Day 37: Do Not EVER Trust Men

When I was growing up my grandmother had been very clear talking to me about Men and what they are All About.

She told me that no matter what they said, they just wanted Sex, so it was a pretty easy Game to play, we would have to sit through all the bullshit, the compliments and later, when they did not score immediately, the promises, the stories, until they told us 'what they were willing to do for us'.

This was a theme of Fairy Tales as well, Men had to prove their Worth to a Woman, so Princes would walk for years, slay the Dragons, bring back the witch broom, they had to prove their interest for a woman with impossible tasks that were not taken on by just 'any man', only the special ones would do such things and most of all, They Would Wait.

If they wanted sex immediately they did not care, they would have to build up to sex, get there on their string of lies and the lies had to be backed up by presents, presents showed that a man cared, the more costly the presents the more he cared, because let's face it, they would put the Money where their Mouth was, the Money was The key to assess their Real Interest (funny, another Money word 'Interest-ing).

I have met many players in my life, I preferred the more honest types, the ones that in fact showed you they wanted sex right away, but this came later in life, I was tired of the bullshit, soothsayers were never convincing, except a guy I met, the second last, who built up such a convoluted story that I had to believe it, because I never met anyone like him who would go THAT far just for a fuck, he even told me he wanted a child and to get married and that he was a virgin.

It took me some time to wisen up, mainly because I was lost in my Pot smoking world and because I lacked references to why a man would say he is a virgin when he is not, being virginity something shameful to talk about for an Italian or a Latin man in general, as virginity meant 'nobody wanted you' until the, which brought down someone's value, because women want to have sex with the ones that other women's want, as a cross  checking of value/worth they were about to engage with.

When I think about my relationships with men I see I have been pathetic to say the least, I have never valued a man for who he was as a human being, but just for the value I could get from him, value expressed in either His Value on the Seduction Market Place or His value as Money, Men with Money represented security, a life that was secured and not one that one had to fend for, plus it was the role of a Man to take care of a Woman, Gallantry basically meant Inequality all over but it was an Inequality that worked for me, I got to be the Woman, they would open doors, light my cigarette, move my chair for me to sit down and in all these little gestures I would accumulate value and worth, plus if they had Money that meant I was more worthy, because Men with Money had More Choices than Men without Money, and when they chose Me, by the simple comparison with the Offer they Had Available, I gained worth.

It's weird how I have held such judgement against men all my life and used it to justify my own behaviour of manipulation and games, I mistook relationships for a game, in which someone would win and someone would lose, grandma had told me as well that in a relationship one must be the one running and the other will be the one running after, I was mostly the one running, being run after gave me Value, plus men themselves had told me they liked 'difficult prizes', not the easy ones, grandma had told me that too, she said 'the one you really like will have to wait, for your sexual needs get someone else just as a lover', so a couple of times in my life I had multiple stories going at the same time, but this advice did not work for me, it made me lose value in my own eyes due to my own self judgement of being a two timer and that was not cool.

I have not had many rich men, nor I have profited from rich men, I just didn't get a chance to do so without being able to notice myself doing that, it would have been too much of a sell out for my own judgements of myself and my relationship with Men, but I extensively profited in the Value Game, where I used their interest to give myself Value and I used them extensively, never ever opening up and always ready to move on, because you never know, as anyway I never trusted them for a second about their hidden reasons and motives, grandma had been clear, they ONLY want sex, and I never forgot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was more clever than men because whatever they said I translated it with 'I want to fuck you' and I felt I was ahead of the game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relationships between men and women are just about 'who is ahead of the game' and who is winning or losing the Value Game instead of seeing it as a chance to come to know someone else for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished the times I run and a man did not run after me because 'the running after me' was part of my value system and when they did not I accepted and allowed myself to feel devalued and not worthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to win in this game with Men because than I could prove to myself I was more clever than them and that they couldn't 'fuck around with me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my grandmother teachings of  value and manipulation because she was old and therefore wise, instead of seeing that she was just old and passing on her crippling programs to me so I would become a carbon copy of herself and her manipulation techniques and validate her as an effective player in the Man vs Woman game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relating to others was a game that I had to win to give value to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support and create a system in which both men and women are devalued by their own participation in Games of the Mind, while I was never here to Self Express myself in Self Honesty stopping all games starting with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt and shameful for my behaviour with men and for how I would automatically move into the seducer hard to get personality as a way to validate myself and my existence as a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of virginity as a sign that nobody had yet wanted me enough 'to take me' and therefore I had less value than the women who had already 'been taken'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe lies about someone's virginity because I judged virginity as shameful and so I decided that no one could or would pretend to be 'a virgin' because the loss of value would be too extensive to advertise it and by holding on to this belief and assumption I prevented my self from seeing reality for what it was, that I was simply being lied to and that there may be an ulterior motive that had nothing to do with me or my value that I feared I would lose if I looked at reality for what it was and I admitted to being scammed by a man half my age because he needed a way out of his shitty life due to his birth in a country with no choices or opportunities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up a strong 'you don't fuck with me' front while I suppressed my vulnerability in fear of being hurt or harmed by Men and their games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women were 'better than men' because at least we were looking for 'love' as a feeling good energy movement' while they were looking for sex 'as a feeling good energy movement' making us not different at all, but equal in our slavery to energy as energy beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt men with words of love and feelings I did not feel because I wanted to keep up the facade of being a romantic and passionate woman, while I too, many times, was only looking for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I saw myself moving into manipulation of men through feelings and emotions, and for not stopping because what I got out of it was more important to me than the point that I was harming them deliberately as long as I got my energy fixes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have hurt men not realizing I have only and always hurt and harmed only myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a heartless bitch because I believed I could see what I was doing but they could not, making myself more clever than them in the Value, Winner and Losers Game of Relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always engage with men that were less than what would have been best for me, because the ones that would have been best for me I feared to lose and become dependent on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have manipulated my ex husband all the way into our marriage and for them building on this guilt of my perceived manipulation a rocky marriage that could never work because I did not trust myself for my own self judgement of me as the manipulator and I ended up believing he did not want me and made our life together hell because he had to prove to me in so many ways he did, to stop my fears deriving by my own self judgement of me as having fooled him into our marriage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being wanted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my ex husband's choices, because I liked to think I was more clever than him in this game of manipulation just to give myself value even though it was the value of a better manipulator over a worse manipulator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my ex husband that he wanted to be with me, because I didn't trust any man to want a specific woman but just a hole and a little quiet company and that was about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base a life of relationships with men on the teachings of an old woman, because when I was growing up and feared men I believed I needed guidance to understand how to handle them and how they operate, having separated myself from my own guidance and my own self honesty and self responsibility for myself to be able to walk this life in self expression as self worth as Life One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear Men because I gave them the power to give or take value from me in separation from me as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stupid when I worked out that the Nigerian guy told me he was a virgin because he just wanted to have sex without a condom to make me pregnant, marry me and get a European passport, because I felt used, duped and devalued

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stupid when my friends in HK asked me how could I believe that a Nigerian man of that age was a virgin when everyone seems to know that Nigerians are into scams and abuse of any sorts due to the poverty and lack of opportunities in their country of birth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be informed about what is going on in the world because for a long time I embraced the belief that I only had to follow what made me feel good, and disheartening news and information about the world we live in did not fit my idea of the benevolent world we live in and so I had to create for myself some meetings to face the reality and the truth of this world as a place where many are forced to make all sorts of choices to survive and guarantee their survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devalued when I discovered a man 'wanting something from me' that was beyond what I was willing to give, which was sex and the pretense of a relationship, because I felt I sucked at everything including the manipulation game in which I had been heavily outdone by a boy half my age with a story that if I had heard from the Pied Piper I would not have believed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is more innocence in the younger ones, when I could always see that as Slaves of/as the Mind we are all equally fucked and both gender or age don't make any difference

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I did not give in to Sex to men after I engaged them for some time, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that that was the only point they ever started a relationship with me and soon or later I would have to fulfill the sex promise and the longer time passed the more urgent this fulfilment became as a point of pressure I would put on myself declaring myself as a 'teaser' if I would not deliver sex having accepted and allowed that sex was always the unspoken promise of any relationship between a man and a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of manipulation and value seeking with Men as the opponents and potential Value Givers, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in everyone and stopping myself from doing to others what I did not want done unto me, releasing myself and others Equal and One from the teachings I received about relationship that led me to live out a life of dishonesty in seeking the Value of Me from which I have accepted to separate from as Self as Self Worth/Value as Life, as One and Equal to everything that exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never trust men because I never trusted myself to be self honest and self responsible for my thoughts , words and deeds and so I keep walking this self correction as Self Honesty and self corrective application to build myself as Self trust so that I may trust others One and Equal o the Self trust I build for and as myself to always be able to face anything Here in and as Self Expression in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into manipulative value seeking Games with Men, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate as part of the problem but want to be and become part of the solution of a world of Equals, in which all games of abuse stop so we may come together as One and live a dignified Life as Self as Life, One and Equal

When and as I see myself desiring to have the upper hand with men as a way to validate my existence as the personality of a woman who wins at the game of Seduction and Manipulation, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am in and as the Mind or I would not be seeking value and Worth outside of myself as Self as Life One and Equal and Breathe myself back Here  where all games stop by me being the Directive principle of My Self  for what is best for me and What is Best for All

When and As I see myself looking at men to assess their value on the Value Game, based on Money or how much other women find them attractive to establish how much value I can get for myself if I engage with them, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in assessing people's Value based on beliefs and ideas of separation but I want to learn to see others as me, as Self One and Equal and Give as I would like to Receive in every aspect of my Life

I commit myself to stop my distrust for men based on what I have learnt and used in the Games we play while seeking for Self Value and Self Worth to stand as an Equal in and as Self Trust as Life One and Equal