Day 216: The Gangster's Moll Character - Self Correction

This is a follow up to my yesterday's post 'The Gangster's Moll'.

I will walk the Fear, Thought, Imagination, Backchat/internal conversation/ Reactions (Emotions/Feelings)/ Physical Behaviour and Consequences of this Character I have created

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment when I was growing up and to separate myself from it within my mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear boys that gathered together in a pack because I had experienced that when boys were in a group, they were worse than when they were alone and you never knew what was coming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to be less than boys as a result of a 'I show you mine if you show me yours moment' when I was laughed at and was not shown theirs and that left me feeling duped, stupid and inferior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if anything I desired, such as physical contact with boys, should happen, they would tell and I would have to be ashamed of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my own desires for boys and the physical contact with them due to how that contact/touch made me feel and fearing I was not allowed to feel the thrill of the touch of another because that made me "bad"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' for enjoying the touch of another in the physical and for separating myself into suppressed desires in fear of my own judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the boys in a group within an underlining desire that they would gather and take me, so if they did touch me I could skip the shame as it was their responsibility and fault and I had just been overpowered to do what they 'ordered' me to do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that boys were dangerous in a pack and for filing memories with a danger label just so I could cover up my own desires to spend time with them and exploring each other physically

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a whole imaginary world around boys being BAD and dangerous, as I projected outside of myself my own self judgements of myself as being 'bad and dangerous'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, due to the imaginary world of projections I created around boys and how they were to blame for what I experienced and the desires I suppressed to spend time with them without being scolded or called a whore, to create an experience within myself of Fearing Men, when in fact what I always feared was just myself and my own self judgements

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize comments about women and what a 'good woman is all about' which did not include mingling with men even though I enjoyed the presence of men around me, which led me to always be suspicious and on the defensive when I found myself around them, fearing my own reactions I believed I had no control over

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I wanted to be 'a good woman' whatever that meant, because I thought that good women had more value in the eyes of society than bad women, when in fact within this division and labeling there was just a game of blame and judgement going on, within which all women hid their own desires for the company of men but due to their own self judgement they refrained from doing what they really wanted and spent time pointing fingers at those who were more free and went for the experiences they wanted to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I didn't like men and their behaviour, simply because men were out to get what they really wanted, which was sex, which was what I also wanted but I couldn't allow myself to say so because if I did I would be a 'bad woman' and I feared I would no longer like myself then

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I kept this charade up to hide my own desires, create internal conversations to justify my view regarding the 'badness of men and their dangerous behaviour', to the point that I created fears within me regarding the men world as a result of my own dishonesty and then, as a result to the rising fears, I had to seek protection for myself against Them, and that led me to creating a Character seeking protection that developed into the full blown 'Gangster's Moll'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions of inferiority toward men as, while I was obsessed with them and their presence and I perceived myself changing around men, they seemed more relaxed as they went for what they wanted, or tried to and if they did not get it, they would leave it and go to play football, while I would be left behind within my obsessions and no one to blame them on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in feelings of superiority as I played my Character of the woman in need of protection, as by that stage I had gotten all clues in place about how the game was played, which was to NOT give in to what I wanted and boys wanted ,which was the physical contact, but to keep them hanging, for as long as it took until the game turned into an obsession for them too, so at least while none of us had what we wanted, we both shared the shitty state of unfulfilled obsession and I was the one in charge of the game, which made me feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when around a man because I would immediately move into evaluating him as a potential sex partner, checking if it was in any way possible that with some pleats here and there, sex could happen and within this for never giving myself a chance to get to know somebody and who they were as I allowed my desires to take over while I allowed myself to go on a merry go round in my Mind instead of being here in and as breath, sharing space with another being as one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of Men, change as I busied myself trying to embody the perfect woman they had in their mind, so I could get their attention and once I had that, move into a position of superiority by playing the game of not giving in to the desires I myself put in their mind so I could feel strong and in charge for the sake of my Ego

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of men, as a result of my thoughts and backchat, feel excited, wondering which kind of feelings I could milk out for myself that would make me feel good about myself, without regard for the other being and what it would take for them to get off the imaginary creation I set up for them to engage in their mind for my own benefit and satisfaction

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of my projected fears and desires, create a Character as the 'Gangster's Moll' in which all my dreams came together, as  I would get to have the attention and recognition I craved in exchange for playing the 'Moll', the Doll, the Babe, the Baby, abdicating the responsibility of myself to another, my expression to another in exchange for a positive feedback that would make me feel valued and appreciated, instead of seeing where and how I had separated myself from Self Value and Self appreciation and correcting that point as me, so I could stand on my own two feet as a self responsible human being

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence to living these suppressed desires into a Character that was in fact allowed to have them and live them, separate myself from myself into a play, into a shadow of who I was and wanted to be but did not accept in the face of my self judgements and the fear of the judgements of others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create for myself the consequence of needing protection as that was what I craved as a result of accepting that I was powerless in the face of my desires for men, and then blamed these desires on them until I feared them and from this fear I birthed the need for protection, which seems like a convoluted loop but as I write it it makes much sense, and for living a life in which I projected my need of protection as a consequence of my separation from myself, I forgive myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself desiring to move into 'protection mode', to stop and breathe, see which desires I am not willing to take responsibility for and breathe through them until I release myself so to not walk into this Character of the 'helpless woman in need of protection'

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself blasted into the past, where the easiest thing to do would be to revert back to Characters that I created and I am familiar with, to stop and breathe, as I see realize and understand, I don't need anyone's protection, I need to stand in self honesty regarding what goes on inside of me so I can face it and own it as me and if it is not aligned with what is best for all, correct myself to bring myself back into alignment as I stand by my decision that whatever I desire, want or believe I need that is not what is best for me and best for all, must go, as I change myself to change this world to a place where my desires don't come before the needs of all and my needs don't come after the desires of none.

Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar

Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.

So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.

My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.

A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.

The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.

This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'

I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions

I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination. 

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• Day 86: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements continued...
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Day 94: The Fearful Business Woman

Since I have considered selling this house, new business opportunity have come up for me to evaluate and consider.

Interesting because I don't have yet the Money in my pocket, yet the idea that I can soon or later get this money opens up a new world of choices.

Which is a point to consider when we insist that we live in a world of Free Choice without wanting to consider or admit that free Choice is related to how much Money one has in his/her pocket to buy The Choices they wish to participate in.

In this instance I saw that there is a Character that I have played in my Life relative to business, and that is The Fearful Business Woman, of course like all my Characters this one has a Cover Up too, which is the one that I have used to move within the business world, which is the Fear-less business woman, yet what I did with my fears I have just hid them and suppressed them and ended up living out my Fears within employments where I did not want to take the lead because the Fear that something might go had the best of me.

Instead I blamed men for having the positions of responsibility that went with the Money, even though when in my last job the day before I left the owner called me and told me he would double my already generous wage and give me full benefits I said NO, proud to be eating bread and pride, while I covered up the point that I did not want to step up to 'such a wage' because if I did, what if something went wrong under my watch ?

These days I have been looking into a project in Shanghai, a lady that went there since '98 brought to me a project to view and evaluate, I wrote out the feasibility study and realized all the points she had missed out and I had to discard the idea of cooperating in a partnership.

Which is one of the point of my Fearful Business woman character, I am always seeking for a partner in business, I fear taking the quantum leap into business by myself even though I know that I know what to do and how to do it, yet, the fear of being Alone in a business venture, with no one to share the Blame with if things go wrong is a point I have never faced and so I kept myself stuck into looking for partnerships that show me that I can do the job, STOP IT, just get on with it and when I write or research or put down projects, this Character is never there, it is within the backchat that arise when I put down the pen of me as practical physical application that I torment myself with doubts and remarks about 'who do you think you are' and 'if it was such a good idea someone else would have done it already', basically I trash myself around until I tremble at the idea of taking a road that I have clearly laid out for myself and that I know I could easily take all the way into a successful business venture...but what if I cant ?

Today as I walked I saw as well that it has to do with how I have lived my life, the 'Going with the Flow' Character vs the "I am the One Who decides", I am not yet familiar with Decisions vs Flows, I stand on the bridge of life living for me or me living, standing making a decision and then live it out beyond My Fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can do what I know I can do because I am a woman and women who are good business people are very rare and why should I be one of them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to all the people that tell me that business is difficult and complicated when I have been part of a few start ups and saw that there is nothing difficult or complicated but it requires the consistency of applying oneself into well laid out directions and keep moving and that these things are said to discourage people from moving into the Money System where there isn't enough for everybody and everyone fears everyone entering the Money game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that men are always in positions of responsibility/in charge so I then had to live out this belief and be the one not in charge because I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need a Master in formal education to carry out a business successfully even though most of my successful bosses showed me that this is not true, but I discounted this point and justified it with the fact that for me it was different, because they were men and I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman must be twice as good and work twice as hard as a man, failing to see that holding such believes would only spur Competition within me to show the men that I was twice as good and worked twice as hard, while they left the office at 5 pm and I hated them for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated the men who were above me that got away with half of my workload, without seeing and realizing I was the one who said that I should be twice as good equaling work twice as hard and I was just living out my own accepted and allowed script and belief

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for working twice as hard for half of the wage of men who were on top of me without having my own 'merits' which were to work twice as hard for half the pay

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated men in business instead of seeing and realizing I hated myself because I secretly coveted having the position on top but I was too scared to go and get it, so I made up stories about the point that it was impossible for me to get it because, let's face it' I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving into the business world by myself because I am a woman and I believed it would be best for me to have a partner, even though my grandma who was a head accountant always said that the only successful partnerships she saw were in odd number and below 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of when I failed a business when I was 21 with my best male friend that led me to lose the friendship for a few years, have to pay taxes for 2 years after closing down the company and to have to go to work as a governess in the house of rich people because I had a mortgage to repay and my mum thought that was my best option

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when I failed at a business at 21 to believe that since I was 'not good or had shown that I did not have it in me to make sound decisions for myself' that I should go back to being told what to do by my mum because she showed that she survived in the system longer than me, which proved 'she knew what she was doing and was in charge'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because I worked at cleaning houses for 1 year to pay back my mortgage and keep my mother happy until I got tired, dismissed myself, disappeared and went below radar to not have to listen to my mother's nagging, put an ad in the newspaper and was offered 3 jobs just because I stood up, made a decision and went and lived it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when money was involved and some or all of it came from my mum I would have to give up all my rights, included a right to a dignified life, not seeing and realizing that I played out within the family system what the money system plays out in the macro, where everyone is supposed to give up their rights to a dignified life just because of Money, and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed this 'rule' within the micro family system of my life that then played out in the macro system within the world systems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come back to Italy and revert back into a belief of my incompetence because my mum flashes to me the memory of when I was 21 and I failed in a business endeavour, blaming her for the flashing instead of taking responsibility for myself and for the memory of me that we share, clean up the memory as a 'failed business woman' and move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mum to remind me of when I failed at a business venture at 21 as a way to keep myself locked into a sense of powerlessness and failure, so I won't have to venture out in the world and finally do what I enjoy doing, which is the set up and organization of a successful business, which I have done through the years in my life abroad, but away from my mother's eyes who never got a chance to upgrade her picture of me as a 'failed business woman' that I still conveniently use so as to not have to venture out into the world by myself, make decisions and make things happen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I prefer to have someone above me to tell me what to do, so they have all the business risks, while I get the risk free life, without seeing and realizing that there are risks only when I move with the flow of which I am in fact not in control or in charge because I have not ever directed the flow, nor it is possible to, as the flow is taking the lead from my Mind who has shown to not be stable or sound in any way,  and that I should step out of the flow of and as the Mind and stand as the directive principle of myself to make myself effective in the business world because this is what I am good at, so I can get back into the system and start making money for myself and What is Best for All that I can support more effectively when making money than when I struggle with doubts and fears about myself and my future which keep me paralyzed and not living the life I want to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to pick and choose a business that is not abusive, which is just not possible within this system and is one of the point that I have used to not do anything at all while I waited for the perfect business opportunity to turn up, such as a humanitarian job or a no profit organization, failing to see that it is my judgement that I have expressed or thought about when I woke up and met Desteni and misunderstood much of the message as stop all abuses as if it was something that I could stop by stopping my participation in and as the system that we have become, failing to see that this is impossible at the moment and that I have to do what I have to do to make the money we need to bring this change about and that anything that stands between myself and doing what is best for all out of morality issues or my own judgements, ideas and opinions, I will weed it out until I stand stable and move effectively within this system of abuse from the inside to change the system as myself and What is best for All and stop all abuses for good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have 'morality issues' and judgements about some jobs versus others, and for judging my idea about wines because I have realized that alcohol is not supportive to the body and so instead of standing as myself doing what is best for me as the body and what is best for all within the system, while I accept that for now people do drink wine and it is not for me to judge but to see which opportunities are available and where I can move effectively and then move, I have used a point of morality and allowed it to stand in the way between me and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I move into the wine business I am bad, because alcohol is bad and it should be banned, yet at the moment within this system of abuse alcohol is part of the play and I either play where I see opportunities to play or I can be self righteous and ineffective, so what is it going to be ? I decide to be effective as it is not to judge any part of the system but to change myself as the system and then the system overall until everything is aligned to what is best for all and if by then we decide to ban alcohol it will be banned but everyone will have their livelihood secured, including the people in the alcohol business at the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my fear behind my self righteous stand about what to do with my life, instead of saying, yes i have a fear of fucking up, so I can then remind myself that fear is NOT real and that I either believe it and succumb to it or I move through the fear once I have done my research and found my niche and then stand through my decision until I am effective about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'if it was such a good idea someone else would have done it' just because I heard this sentence many times, yet it's proven that people who actually went and did things that were already in the air and talked about have just moved effectively through their fears until they did what they set themselves out to do, without listening to the fears of others that then become my/their fears, because we can see we live in a frightened world, and the blind cannot lead anyone out of the Mind of Fear into the safety of the Physical Here but it is a journey each one of us will have to walk by ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when the question 'who do you think you are?' pops up, I have to find a good reply to define me, which is in fact what limits me into just one expression of myself to which I crucify myself through the desire of overcoming my fear of not knowing Who I am, instead of just seeing, I am the One who decides and keep moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am arrogant and feel uncomfortable when I say or think "I am the One WHO decides' because the backchat start from there to show myself ALL the times in which I decided a good 'fuck all', or so it seems, while I can see I have decided it all through my acceptances and allowances, and that once I see this point clearly and see that I am responsible for everything that I lived throughout my life, then I am in fact the One Who decides, as I have seen that I was always the One who Decided, I just have to stop believing that life 'happened to me' and see that I happened to live, not consciously but still I was the One Who decided, even when I decided I was the One who would Fail and fuck it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of my life, when I did not understand or saw how my life was happening to me and within this powerlessness having accepted and allowed myself to believe what Forrest Gump said that "Life is like a box of Chocolate and You never know what you are gonna get' because this quote and similar highlight the point that we are in fact NOT in power and that at best we have to learn to accept what we are going to get, instead of seeing and realizing we got what we put in and created ourselves either through acceptances and allowances or by direct participation, yet we were always the Ones that decided

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was NOT the One who decided, so I would NOT have to take responsibility for my Life, failing to see that it is only through self responsibility that we realize we were always the Ones that decided and then we can live in alignment with I am the One Who decides as self responsible aware Human beings


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the One Who decides and for believing this fear to be real and who I really am, failing to see I am not my fears, unless I decide I am, because I am the One who decides and I decide to no longer live in and as Fear, Fear is NOT who I am


I commit myself to stop living the Character of the Fearful Business Woman and instead evaluate all points of a business, see the pros and cons of each possibility and niche, make a decision and walk my decision to completion


I commit myself to stop believing that once a failure always a failure, because I held myself hostage with a picture of myself failing at 21 and then having to go as a cleaner to keep up the gynormous mortage my mum suggested I signed, to give less interest to the banks' even though my mortage was 60% of my wage and with my mortage I signed up and away a potential for a life of misery and sacriices according to what my mum believe was 'the best thing to do'


I commit myself to stop allowing other people's opinion to affect me and my business plans /project, as I remind myself that every Opinion belongs to a Character, so I can either make up an Opinion to explain myself, which I commit myself to no longer do,while I commit myself to just walk myself into the script that I carefully lay out for myself and What is best for All


I commit myself to stop believing that a man has more chances in the business world, because this is just an Opinion and has no real relevance in the business world I have been a part of where many capable women are in charge of large businesses and nobody seems to mind their gender (except me when I am in Character and I want to give 'my Opinion')


I commit myself to place myself effectively within the World System, to ensure that I can at the best of my ability provide for myself and What is best for All, as I see realize and understand that I can play the role of the bread winner and that if I do not I am just giving up on myself and What is best for All and I commit myself to NOT DO THIS, to not give up on myself as What is best for ALL, but to keep walking my projects into completion to make money and contribute effectively to The Equal Money System project


I commit myself to breathe through My Fears of not being effective, as I see, realize and understand that I have always been effective when I have set myself to be effective and that the backchat and comments is something I can breathe through, until I stand stable in and as the decisions I make for myself and What is Best for All

Day 52: The Price of Inequality

I have been walking this point of Gender Inequality for some time now because I see it has been one of my favourite friction points that I have used to make myself feel more than men, while all the while fearing to be less, less in everything, included worth, just by birth.

For a couple of days I have been seeing a realization coming up about my beliefs of being a seductress and thus having All The Blame, in what went on between me and men, basically NOT giving them Equal Responsibility for our Relationships.

Funny because while I felt bad about it, I also felt MORE than them, first because I had the power to create such mess All By Myself and then because I was willing to take All The Blame.

What I missed about all this anger that I have carried for so many years against men about Them Always Having It Easy from Cradle to Grave and how we had to fight for Equality, was that this fight was only going on within and as myself, having accepted and allowed the beliefs of my culture about women vs men to become me, imprinting myself with the knowledge of our inferiority in everything from strength to wages (which was the biggest pisser), just to then turn into a Feminist in Garters, to show them who was Boss, through the Game of Sex and Seduction, ironic how I believed I was in charge of THAT at least !

 

The price of this was, that since I had become unwilling to give Men Equality within relationships in my balancing act attempting to not be squashed by the gender stereotype, where I had to be Boss, I ended up not even giving them the Equal responsibility of our mess ups.

You can't have your cake and eat it, want to be Boss ? Then it's all Your Responsibility, or you can become an Equal, and share the power and the responsibility.

It is the same in our world, we either stop to be more than others to become Equals or we have to pay the Price of our Choice, carry it all, the Blame and the Responsibility, instead of standing as Life One and Equal, sharing the World and our responsibility to ourselves and What is best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for our gender inequalities, instead of seeing we are both born out of a system that designed us to play specific gender roles and no one is faulty or blamable but both responsible for standing in and as the Change to equalize ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and their power that I have believed to be greater than the power of women, instead of seeing I am always responsible for the dis-placement of my power outside of myself in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pride in having fucked men around, because I saw this pride trait in men and I associated it with the greater power I believed they had over women, and  copycatted them to be like them, greater than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make men suffer for the faults of all men in the history of mankind and what they did against women, Instead of seeing the point of self responsibility and how since the beginning of time we have given it our power away within and as the 'idea and belief of the Stronger Man'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for all my gender play outs, instead of seeing I have been acting out my predesigned life and the stance I took within the role and design I accepted and allowed myself to play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for the role they played within the world system, instead of seeing both genders as the twisted design born out of separation into inequalities and fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men as my main point of friction, in which I would get a feeling of a high in and when I could 'beat them' within words to make myself feel more while I participated endlessly within the inferiority and superiority construct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that I could never get what I was not willing to give and that not giving men Equal responsibility for our mutual fuck ups was my desire to not recognize their Equality to me and therefore I have never got to experience Equality within my relationship with Men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Blame men for the Inequality I believed existed due to their having been born in a situation/position of privilege, instead of realizing that it was the Equality that I was not willing to share within our responsibility for the way our Relationships turned out that led me to experience Inequality at every level of every relationship with men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my issues of Inequality outside on the easy target of gender, instead of seeing I was living Inequality as me, within me and that I would never be able to experience what I was not giving to myself first as Self as One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see that I could NEVER get what I was not willing to give and for NOT giving what I desired to have to myself and to everyone Equally

I commit myself to walk the giving of everything I perceive I lack to myself first and foremost, to bring myself into Equality and Oneness with myself as Self as One and Equal, Stopping all the Blame for what I am not experiencing on the outside, because anything that I am not yet living or experiencing is because I have not yet given it to myself, as One as Equal, As Life and everything that exists.

Day 44: For-Giving The Seductress in/as Me

I realized that within me be-lieving to be a 'Seductress' there is a point of value and a belief that men are indeed stupid and not Equal, that women can seduce them while they are foolishly following the lead, the hook, instead of recognizing the Equality of the games we play where I enjoy thinking I seduce them as a point of power/worth while they enjoy thinking that they seduced me as a point of power/worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was all my doing what happened between me and men instead of seeing they are equally participating in the seduction game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be willing to carry the fault/blame for myself as a point of value because within that blame/fault I make myself more powerful than men and turn them into fools at my mercy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for the personality play of the seductress because within that blame there was 'my power to seduce', making myself more than men within the seduction game and finding value/worth for myself within being more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see the Equality of the Games we play because then I would have to feel as duped as the super duper I like to believe I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and judge myself as the sole participant of the seduction game, in which I found my power and value, being 'more evil' than men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and the games they play as much as I feared myself and the games I played

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if a man plays his game well I will be duped and won't be able to say NO, because within the games men play there is the game of giving me value and 'making me feel special' since I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm worthless, I fear I cannot resist the value game 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when someone 'makes me feel special' I can't resist their attention as I have accepted and allowed to build myself into a value/worth seeking machine while I separated myself from Self as Self Worth and Self Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men instead of seeing I was fearing myself and what I was willing to do in my search for worth and value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my fear of men, which was the fear of myself,  into a desire to belittle them so I can feel in charge and in control and less vulnerable to the value/worth game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since my worth lies into being attractive for men I have to fear my not being attractive to them and it's better to fatten myself up and put myself aside of the game instead of seeing I am facing the fear of aging and not having the same pulling power and feedback from men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear aging as a point in which I will lose my ability to pull and manipulate men to me, instead of seeing I was never the one who pulled men but I was a loser in the moment I stepped into the worth/value games as seduction, we both play equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'I could have any man I wanted' without realizing that within the current system pretty much any woman can, as SEX is the name of the Game and it's not personal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special, because within that specialness I found my worth and value given that if I am special I am above and beyond other women and I have won the game of comparison and competition for the prize which is sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make SEX into the Price/prize I have to pay for playing the seduction game as a way to give myself worth/value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that SEX is something I have to give in return for the 'devotion' men show to me which is nothing more than their desire to have sex, because Sex was The Design and The Price/prize we were both after

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for the sex I have had as a way to payback and lever the expectations I built in men through my seduction games because I turned seduction into a promise that would have to be paid back when the games I participated in were creating 'too much credits'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the seduction games in which I participated instead of seeing I have designed myself to be seductive as a way to survive within this world in fear that if I couldn't 'promise' sex as a way of life as who I am, my life would not be safe, and I would not have access to the world system in which the name of the game is Sex/Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'the promise of sex' as a compensation for the money I lacked, because since I did not have enough money/debts to consider myself 'safe' in the world I could accumulate sex/debts, without seeing that both money and sex debts are called to be paid back and I ended up feeling and seeing myself as the eternal debtor inside the world system of money/sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in and as the Debt System of this world, hoping to create Credits through my seduction and promises for Sex, instead of seeing I was accumulating debts, through my own Self Judgements and Fears, supporting and allowing the existence of a system of Debts One and Equal to Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and exist as Debt/Debts, I now For-Give my debts and the debts of the Ones around me regarding Sex and the Seduction games I/We played, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of the current Money System of Debts because I myself existed in and as Debt, instead of giving what I would like to receive to myself and others, The For-Giveness of All Debts for a world that is What is Best for me and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the Seductress Personality, I stop, Breathe, look at why I am fearing that moment as a moment that needs my leverage as 'Seduction', Breathe, remind myself that I am Worth as Self Worth Here in Breath and that there is nothing I can gain from playing Energy/power/value games but Debts, because the Energy system is designed in and as a Debt System, and I can only STOP playing or accumulate Debts as there is no way to Win within a system of Debts, so I stop my participation in and as Debt to stop the creation of and as Debts of this world, One and Equal to Me

I commit myself to bring myself back Here with consistency, through Breath, leading myself out of my Mind consistently with patience as my Mind has been my only abode for my whole Life and I see that I fear leaving me as the Mind behind, yet I see that Fear is Not Real and just the way my Mind is resisting to be left behind, so I commit myself to become familiar with Life not in and as The Mind but Here in and as The Physical, where No debts are Created, but Breaths of and as Life are accumulated for myself and all of existence Equal and One

Day 38: You Only Live Once

Today my ex Lover Never to Be My Employer contacted me for the feedback on what he has sent me to evaluate.

Since he set the date for our meeting my mind has been pre-occupied with it, many thoughts, one point  I saw is that I had not been clear in my communication, I have hinted that he would have to stay in a hotel by asking if he had one already booked, have hinted that it should be a lunch and not a dinner and hinted that we could NOT talk about that One Night, but today I saw everything was hanging there and I see that I have decided, already 5 years ago that it had to be an indulgence of one night because the persistence had built up to a point of no return, but I would not indulge in the 'relationship' with a married man. he would have been the 3rd of my life, the 2 that went before him had been a disaster, no matter what I tried to not be involved I ended up sucked in and then I ended up being the only one to suffer.

From each of these relationships I got worse, the first I left it in a breath and never looked back, the second i left it and never looked back but every time he came to HK he would get drunk and then pester me all the time after dinner or in the middle of the night about the point that 'we needed to talk about the company we shared', possibly in his bedroom, it never happened after I decided to stop but it left a wake of bitterness on both sides.

Funny, because I did not even want him or the one before to leave their wives, so the bitterness was not that I did not get them, a point that would have terrified me, just the point that again I had myself all involved in emotions and feelings and feeling part of a secret game that I did not like.

Actually there was a 4th as well, we shared a week while on holiday, this one wanted to leave his girlfriend with whom he had 2 kids, a detail that had gone unspoken out of forgetfulness when we started to see each other. This one I heroically put back on a plane to go back to his family life, and then regretted it.

So, the 4th one in chronological order was the result of a pattern, by then I was sure I did not enjoy the romance with the married men, it made me feel dirty and part of a plot against women which I disliked, as I said to myself, just One Night, and I will let him go, which I did.

Which I didn't as well, because I have been all over the place for a week now.

So today I gave myself courage to be clear about where I stand, to stop this tension, so I told him his project is not ready to be taken to China and that he should not come to Milan at all and we should not meet for dinner, since we have no business to talk about.

I said as well that we are obviously a dangerous match, making obvious to myself that I do not trust myself to stand through this decision after a year of no sex, that he would have me at 'Hello' and being confused about why I would NOT want this while I want it so much, asking myself if I have moved into morality and self judgement or if I have just moved into wanting to walk what is best for all, which cannot be a night of sex with a married man with 4 kids that could maybe in the future as well have a job opportunity for me, that could not play out if I screw it up for lust only, not considering the con-sequences for myself and everybody else involved, no matter if I know them or not.

So when I finally did bring up the point, the damn broke loose and he said 'why do you say that' and I said 'because we have a history and I don't want to repeat it and I have enjoyed you as a man, one of the few I have not regretted :)' and then he said 'me too, as a woman, I have a wonderful memory of Us, and then he said 'There is only One Life Ele, we must live It'. This made me cry.

The reason for the tears was that I felt I am not living, that I am not taking this one opportunity for a Great Energy Fix to boost up my Ego and therefore, I am Not Alive and I felt as well that something of me died, that I am not the same Woman anymore and that maybe I had more Fear than it was necessary, because I would have stood, I am already standing and why do I sell myself so short about being able to Live By Principle and not by Energy, just because I have been an Energy/Feeling Junkie and I fear I won't give up that without putting up a fight.

Yet, there was no Fight, only a little Tantrum as I stepped on my Old self which lived only as Thoughts/Feelings and Emotions and not as Principle and What is Best for All.

Do we only Live Once ? Then we better make this One Life count.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself with fear and anxiety about the point that I may have let myself down on my decision to not engage this Great Lover, just Once More

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the loss of who I have been as if something of me died because I did not say 'yes  fuck it, we only live once'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions for the married men I met in my life, because I knew that if I participated in Feelings and Emotions I would be screwed yet I did participate and just suppressed them into and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up Feelings and Emotions for married men so I would not have to face the point that I felt guilty for engaging married men considering this is not what I would have wanted done onto me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty abut my relationships with married men an for thinking 'I am not the married one' as if it was never my responsibility to make decisions that keep all parties involved into consideration, but I just had to consider myself and what was best for me as an Ego personality and everyone else, just screw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that there is a right and wrong regarding Relationships with married men, instead of seeing it is not a morality point or a point of self righteousness that I need to live out but just to be self honest about why I want what I want, and in this case, why I want to use another and fuck up mine and their life just for a night that will make me feel 'good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I can only 'feel good about myself' through energy fixes and that 'feeing good about myself' defines me as who I am instead of seeing this only defines me as 'feelings and emotions' and a slave to conciousness, I am not a slave to consciousness as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as Self Honesty in my life but to make up ideas and stories and justifications about why I did what I did and why it was Ok even though I saw clearly that others struggled with emotions and feelings about sex and sexuality we shared briefly and that walking away after having engaged them was not necessarily what is best for all but just what was best for me so I would not have to walk through the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage married men on a 'love vibe' even for one night, because I needed that Love vibe to not feel slutty and I did not care that the next day they may be confused and feel awkward about it as long as I got what I needed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself 'You only live Once, better enjoy it' because  within this sentence I accepted and allowed myself to exist as someone that did not care about consequences believing that once I am done with all my One Life fuck ups, that is it, and someone else may have to tackle the wake of disasters I have left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a right and wrong to live by because then every time I lived on the wrong side of my self designed morality code, I felt diminished and guilty, instead of seeing I need no morality to live by, because in self honesty I can assess in every moment whatever it is that is in front of me and make a decision for what is best for all and best for me and then just walk my decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to do what is best for all and for fearing that I would let myself down just because I have occasional mind tantrums and a few tears, that I can see are tears of self manipulation to con-vince me that in fact 'I Only Live Once' and so what is it to me to bite that Apple, yet I have memories of the last forbidden fruit we ate as women that did not turn out so well after all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embody the seductress and the snake of existence, where in my sexual innuendos and mind games I willfully created storms in the mind of men I engaged for the sole purpose to boost my Ego careless of the wake of instability that I left behind me or of the desires that I played out in ways for which I could not be blamed, walking the tightrope of femininity and seduction just enough to never make my games too obvious or the point that I was fucking with the mind of men too evident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my duty as a woman and an admirable skill to be able to fuck with the mind of a man and then just walk away not talking responsibility for how I had worked them up just to walk away and be the winner in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget one man from this list, because this proves how men for me have just been games I played and how I have never really cared about what they faced after a night of infidelity, from the first timer to the serial cheater

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tease men into a position of desire just to gain energy in the males vs females mind games, careless about how they felt for desiring another woman when married and for putting pictures in their mind using words to link them to me and keep them within my power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy having power over men about the mind and sexuality game and for letting them believe 'they were on top' because grandma taught me that we must wear the crown but not let them know we do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over men to reestablish a sense of justice in this unfair men's world in which unless we are devious and cunning, we'll be run over and eaten alive by men and then soon be forgotten

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be unforgettable to men because by imprinting myself in their minds I made them my slaves to balance the point that I felt I was born in a world where women are slaves to men 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate men because I felt and believed and desired to be their slave and made them responsible for what was going on inside of me that I could not explain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men because We are Slaves to Men by Birth, instead of seeing, we are both slaves to Consciousness, equally  self designed to harm each other and that whatever blame we place on each other will just close the cage we live in a little tighter, instead we both have to stand, take self responsibility for how and why we participate in games that make us foes instead of being Equals as Life, walking together a path of Self Support as Life as One and Equal and walk to become the partners we wished we had to each other, so that all wars between genders may stop 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated men when in fact I have always and only hated myself for who I became, what  said and thought around men and for believing that hate/hatred is real and who I am in relation to men and relationships

When and as I see myself about to approach a man as a personality, as something I like to pretend to be and not who I am here stable as Breath and I see that I am moving into a reaction of any kind, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if and when I am reactive I am in and as The Mind, so I breathe to clear myself before I speak or move or do anything that is involved with engaging men in any environment

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument with a man because that would make me more than him, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I have approached this point is because I have moved into a point of inferiority and so I stop, look at the inferiority point I have accessed, delete the energy charge through SF spoken quietly inside of me before I speak or do anything, to make sure I am not into and as a point of inferiority or I will attack to show myself that I am not less but I am in fact More

I commit myself to dissect my mind in relation to men and my relationships with them  to see where has the friction with men started in my world and why I have repeated patterns of relationship failures with men both in my private life and at work, so I may undo the original patterning, release myself and others from my patterned behaviour and rewrite myself in and as self correction into What is Best for All as Life and What is Best for Me, One and Equal

Day 37: Do Not EVER Trust Men

When I was growing up my grandmother had been very clear talking to me about Men and what they are All About.

She told me that no matter what they said, they just wanted Sex, so it was a pretty easy Game to play, we would have to sit through all the bullshit, the compliments and later, when they did not score immediately, the promises, the stories, until they told us 'what they were willing to do for us'.

This was a theme of Fairy Tales as well, Men had to prove their Worth to a Woman, so Princes would walk for years, slay the Dragons, bring back the witch broom, they had to prove their interest for a woman with impossible tasks that were not taken on by just 'any man', only the special ones would do such things and most of all, They Would Wait.

If they wanted sex immediately they did not care, they would have to build up to sex, get there on their string of lies and the lies had to be backed up by presents, presents showed that a man cared, the more costly the presents the more he cared, because let's face it, they would put the Money where their Mouth was, the Money was The key to assess their Real Interest (funny, another Money word 'Interest-ing).

I have met many players in my life, I preferred the more honest types, the ones that in fact showed you they wanted sex right away, but this came later in life, I was tired of the bullshit, soothsayers were never convincing, except a guy I met, the second last, who built up such a convoluted story that I had to believe it, because I never met anyone like him who would go THAT far just for a fuck, he even told me he wanted a child and to get married and that he was a virgin.

It took me some time to wisen up, mainly because I was lost in my Pot smoking world and because I lacked references to why a man would say he is a virgin when he is not, being virginity something shameful to talk about for an Italian or a Latin man in general, as virginity meant 'nobody wanted you' until the, which brought down someone's value, because women want to have sex with the ones that other women's want, as a cross  checking of value/worth they were about to engage with.

When I think about my relationships with men I see I have been pathetic to say the least, I have never valued a man for who he was as a human being, but just for the value I could get from him, value expressed in either His Value on the Seduction Market Place or His value as Money, Men with Money represented security, a life that was secured and not one that one had to fend for, plus it was the role of a Man to take care of a Woman, Gallantry basically meant Inequality all over but it was an Inequality that worked for me, I got to be the Woman, they would open doors, light my cigarette, move my chair for me to sit down and in all these little gestures I would accumulate value and worth, plus if they had Money that meant I was more worthy, because Men with Money had More Choices than Men without Money, and when they chose Me, by the simple comparison with the Offer they Had Available, I gained worth.

It's weird how I have held such judgement against men all my life and used it to justify my own behaviour of manipulation and games, I mistook relationships for a game, in which someone would win and someone would lose, grandma had told me as well that in a relationship one must be the one running and the other will be the one running after, I was mostly the one running, being run after gave me Value, plus men themselves had told me they liked 'difficult prizes', not the easy ones, grandma had told me that too, she said 'the one you really like will have to wait, for your sexual needs get someone else just as a lover', so a couple of times in my life I had multiple stories going at the same time, but this advice did not work for me, it made me lose value in my own eyes due to my own self judgement of being a two timer and that was not cool.

I have not had many rich men, nor I have profited from rich men, I just didn't get a chance to do so without being able to notice myself doing that, it would have been too much of a sell out for my own judgements of myself and my relationship with Men, but I extensively profited in the Value Game, where I used their interest to give myself Value and I used them extensively, never ever opening up and always ready to move on, because you never know, as anyway I never trusted them for a second about their hidden reasons and motives, grandma had been clear, they ONLY want sex, and I never forgot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was more clever than men because whatever they said I translated it with 'I want to fuck you' and I felt I was ahead of the game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relationships between men and women are just about 'who is ahead of the game' and who is winning or losing the Value Game instead of seeing it as a chance to come to know someone else for real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished the times I run and a man did not run after me because 'the running after me' was part of my value system and when they did not I accepted and allowed myself to feel devalued and not worthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to win in this game with Men because than I could prove to myself I was more clever than them and that they couldn't 'fuck around with me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my grandmother teachings of  value and manipulation because she was old and therefore wise, instead of seeing that she was just old and passing on her crippling programs to me so I would become a carbon copy of herself and her manipulation techniques and validate her as an effective player in the Man vs Woman game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relating to others was a game that I had to win to give value to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support and create a system in which both men and women are devalued by their own participation in Games of the Mind, while I was never here to Self Express myself in Self Honesty stopping all games starting with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt and shameful for my behaviour with men and for how I would automatically move into the seducer hard to get personality as a way to validate myself and my existence as a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of virginity as a sign that nobody had yet wanted me enough 'to take me' and therefore I had less value than the women who had already 'been taken'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe lies about someone's virginity because I judged virginity as shameful and so I decided that no one could or would pretend to be 'a virgin' because the loss of value would be too extensive to advertise it and by holding on to this belief and assumption I prevented my self from seeing reality for what it was, that I was simply being lied to and that there may be an ulterior motive that had nothing to do with me or my value that I feared I would lose if I looked at reality for what it was and I admitted to being scammed by a man half my age because he needed a way out of his shitty life due to his birth in a country with no choices or opportunities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up a strong 'you don't fuck with me' front while I suppressed my vulnerability in fear of being hurt or harmed by Men and their games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women were 'better than men' because at least we were looking for 'love' as a feeling good energy movement' while they were looking for sex 'as a feeling good energy movement' making us not different at all, but equal in our slavery to energy as energy beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt men with words of love and feelings I did not feel because I wanted to keep up the facade of being a romantic and passionate woman, while I too, many times, was only looking for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I saw myself moving into manipulation of men through feelings and emotions, and for not stopping because what I got out of it was more important to me than the point that I was harming them deliberately as long as I got my energy fixes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have hurt men not realizing I have only and always hurt and harmed only myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a heartless bitch because I believed I could see what I was doing but they could not, making myself more clever than them in the Value, Winner and Losers Game of Relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always engage with men that were less than what would have been best for me, because the ones that would have been best for me I feared to lose and become dependent on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have manipulated my ex husband all the way into our marriage and for them building on this guilt of my perceived manipulation a rocky marriage that could never work because I did not trust myself for my own self judgement of me as the manipulator and I ended up believing he did not want me and made our life together hell because he had to prove to me in so many ways he did, to stop my fears deriving by my own self judgement of me as having fooled him into our marriage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being wanted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my ex husband's choices, because I liked to think I was more clever than him in this game of manipulation just to give myself value even though it was the value of a better manipulator over a worse manipulator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my ex husband that he wanted to be with me, because I didn't trust any man to want a specific woman but just a hole and a little quiet company and that was about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base a life of relationships with men on the teachings of an old woman, because when I was growing up and feared men I believed I needed guidance to understand how to handle them and how they operate, having separated myself from my own guidance and my own self honesty and self responsibility for myself to be able to walk this life in self expression as self worth as Life One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear Men because I gave them the power to give or take value from me in separation from me as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stupid when I worked out that the Nigerian guy told me he was a virgin because he just wanted to have sex without a condom to make me pregnant, marry me and get a European passport, because I felt used, duped and devalued

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stupid when my friends in HK asked me how could I believe that a Nigerian man of that age was a virgin when everyone seems to know that Nigerians are into scams and abuse of any sorts due to the poverty and lack of opportunities in their country of birth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be informed about what is going on in the world because for a long time I embraced the belief that I only had to follow what made me feel good, and disheartening news and information about the world we live in did not fit my idea of the benevolent world we live in and so I had to create for myself some meetings to face the reality and the truth of this world as a place where many are forced to make all sorts of choices to survive and guarantee their survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devalued when I discovered a man 'wanting something from me' that was beyond what I was willing to give, which was sex and the pretense of a relationship, because I felt I sucked at everything including the manipulation game in which I had been heavily outdone by a boy half my age with a story that if I had heard from the Pied Piper I would not have believed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is more innocence in the younger ones, when I could always see that as Slaves of/as the Mind we are all equally fucked and both gender or age don't make any difference

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I did not give in to Sex to men after I engaged them for some time, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that that was the only point they ever started a relationship with me and soon or later I would have to fulfill the sex promise and the longer time passed the more urgent this fulfilment became as a point of pressure I would put on myself declaring myself as a 'teaser' if I would not deliver sex having accepted and allowed that sex was always the unspoken promise of any relationship between a man and a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of manipulation and value seeking with Men as the opponents and potential Value Givers, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in everyone and stopping myself from doing to others what I did not want done unto me, releasing myself and others Equal and One from the teachings I received about relationship that led me to live out a life of dishonesty in seeking the Value of Me from which I have accepted to separate from as Self as Self Worth/Value as Life, as One and Equal to everything that exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never trust men because I never trusted myself to be self honest and self responsible for my thoughts , words and deeds and so I keep walking this self correction as Self Honesty and self corrective application to build myself as Self trust so that I may trust others One and Equal o the Self trust I build for and as myself to always be able to face anything Here in and as Self Expression in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into manipulative value seeking Games with Men, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate as part of the problem but want to be and become part of the solution of a world of Equals, in which all games of abuse stop so we may come together as One and live a dignified Life as Self as Life, One and Equal

When and as I see myself desiring to have the upper hand with men as a way to validate my existence as the personality of a woman who wins at the game of Seduction and Manipulation, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am in and as the Mind or I would not be seeking value and Worth outside of myself as Self as Life One and Equal and Breathe myself back Here  where all games stop by me being the Directive principle of My Self  for what is best for me and What is Best for All

When and As I see myself looking at men to assess their value on the Value Game, based on Money or how much other women find them attractive to establish how much value I can get for myself if I engage with them, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in assessing people's Value based on beliefs and ideas of separation but I want to learn to see others as me, as Self One and Equal and Give as I would like to Receive in every aspect of my Life

I commit myself to stop my distrust for men based on what I have learnt and used in the Games we play while seeking for Self Value and Self Worth to stand as an Equal in and as Self Trust as Life One and Equal