Day 43: Resistance to Losing Weight and 'Being Attractive'

I have been engrossed in Process for the past few months, which is one of my excuses for not caring or taking care of my body, even though Process is all about being One with the Physical, I have deliberately avoided that, telling myself that when I clear some of the Fog in which I have been lost for a lifetime, everything 'will sort itself out'.

Everything includes the fact that I have putting on weight as a result of what I can clearly see is lack of care for myself, overeating and no exercise.

It is like I wanted to use the weight as some Destonian Women have shaved their hair, missing the point completely due to my judgement of shaving head and being bold as Ugly and therefore not willing to shave my hair in fear that I don't live in a supportive place for such bold actions and I will be marginalized from the system, I have put on weight to 'uglify' myself and make myself not attractive, the same way I see and judge bold women as NOT attractive, One and Equal ah ah, in my own self accepted judgements and beliefs.

Here is another point that emerged clearly through chats with a friend, I FEAR being attractive, as I believe I have always attracted men doing just about nothing, while not wanting to see how my very existence was all about attracting men and being seductive as a value point.

Everything I do, from how I walk to how I move my hands is about seduction, so fearing that I won't be able to change myself on that specific point and that I may in fact NOT want to change myself on that point because I fed off my capacity to attract most of my life, I put on weight, as the safety lever on the generator, I have switched myself off and out the attraction game, subjecting my physical body to abuse first physical through overeating and eating food I was well aware it was not supportive, and then through mental abuse, by being disgusted with myself for being fat.

I am fat, it's not like a mind projection of anorexic people, I have put on easily 2 stones which translates in over 3 dress sizes and confined myself to track suits and pajamas wanting to ignore this physical point of me, overlooking the whys I have come to this decision and why not instead face the point of 'being attractive' as a new fear point I have developed since I am walking process.

Which is not a new fear point, it's just the polarity of the fear point of not being attractive that all my life led me to jump through fire loops to MAKE myself attractive in fear that if I were not able to attract men, I was in fact not valuable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge bold women as ugly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I may be required to shave to show my commitment to Life when in fact this point has been discussed several times with regard to do what you can, practically, in terms of walking in and as the system and was never forced or asked to by anybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed to judge bold women as ugly and for suppressing this judgement in and as myself in fear of having to face my own shame and guilt for making such judgements about a group of women who is standing in and as an example of a world that is best for All, where they gave up their perceived beauty and ability to seduce to stand for Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for having thought that 'bold women' are ugly and for suppressing this guilt in and as me for not having to face my own judgements of others as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being 'ugly' according to my own judgements and perception of what beauty is within a system that I have accepted and allowed to teach me about Beauty that translates in things to do that cost money and things to buy that cost money, to keep up with the Beauty requirements of the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body because I am not willing to tackle this point within and as me as the Mind to release myself from my ideas of attractiveness and value so I may start to lose the weight I have put on as a safety belt and a chastity belt to keep myself 'on track' because I don't trust myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going for job interviews within a country that values Beauty and attractiveness as Value points and for accepting and allowing myself to accept the trickling down of the beauty and value system of attractiveness on me and for having lived it as me , one and equal, believing I was this  'need and desire' to attract and that without my attractiveness feedback I could never and would never be able to establish my value on the money/sex/value market of this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a system in which women are valued for their ability to attract because Sex was an integral part of the design and I failed to see that there was something not working in the way we were pulled and repulsed by each other within the physical appearance point and I refused to see that I was just living out programs of my own creation, in and through which I accepted myself as an object, to which men had to be attracted to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be objectified and to objectify myself and for selling myself out in looking/feeding on positive feedback from men, that I lured and engaged with any possible mean from Stares/Looks to walking, to the way I move my hands, to provoke a reaction in them on which I could feed to give myself a sense of value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot be trusted and for accepting and allowing that 'the seductress' is who I am and have become, and therefore I punish myself and bring myself down into a space where I can do no harm because I fear what I will go back to do in engaging men in every possible way if I go back to being "attractive"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/be attractive, instead of facing the point that I played the seduction game to attract to the point of having it become me as who I am and that I was not Naturally Attractive, pretending that seducing was just natural to me as being a real Woman/Female, instead of seeing there was nothing natural in everything that I have built up myself to be but extensive manipulation of myself and others to believe that I was natural a real Woman/Female and not acting sluttish, because that would have taken value from me instead of giving it to me as a real Woman/Female able to seduce and attract

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a seductress in fear that I was ugly and not up to par with the beautiful women of the world and so I used seduction as a way to affirm my power over men, because this is what beauty is for, so as I was not among the most beautiful I had to make up in ability to seduce and attract, which is a skill I lived one and equal as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to my ability to seduce and attract and for believing this is who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define real Women/Females those that could give a hard on to a man when walking by, because such is the power of the feminine world, that we play out in looking for value, looking for a man who goes into his mind and into the desire to fuck us/me so that I can feed off the energy of having made him a slave in his mind to me for the desire that he now has and that I can play upon, leaving to him the belief that it is own doing the trying to seduce me, when in fact I lived to seduce as this was what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in the search of the value and worth of me in separation from Self as Self Worth and Self Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated and diminished if a man did not respond with interest that I could identify as desire when he met me, while I pretended I did not care about being attractive while being able to attract was all I groomed myself to be able to do, in the subtlest of ways, manipulating my way into men's minds until I was the winner in the game of seduction having already made them mine, making sure I could fuck anyone I wanted, just because I was special and more than other women, failing to see that both sexes are playing the exact same game of value and that men have exactly the same thoughts and are exactly in the same way trying to affirm inside their mind if our meeting could in fact turn into sex and their own satisfaction, like I played the game for my own satisfaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the seductress game even with men I would have never gone to bed with, because it was just an Energy Fix and I did not care about how they lived the moment of being hyped and then dumped because I was always subtle enough in the way I moved that I could deny having participated in any energy game and blame on them that it was all in their mind and their own imagination and how could they ever think they could have a woman like me, really - was the unspoken point between us- 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men for my own energy games and for feeding on and off them in search for value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face this point of attractiveness and seduction as a way of life  because until I keep the weight on I feel safe, that I won't have to ask myself and see myself why do I behave, say and do the things I do and so I won't have to face myself with who I have become within this point of wanting to attract men as a value system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly compare all women I meet to our ability to pull men to establish if I am the winner or the loser in my own mind competition, where if there is another woman that is more attractive than me I will play the intelligent one, trying to make them lose stupid because I have build a vast arsenal of seduction tools and I can move at ease between my seductive personalities, adapting myself to the task at hand until I find a point in which I can break through and have my victory over other women and get the value I seek for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my world and the world outside of me into a competition for attractiveness in which I desire to come out the winner because when I lose I allow and accept myself to feel and believe I am diminished, instead of seeing we are all diminished into the competition game because there will always be a loser and until I/We stop there is no way to build a world of Equals because competition breeds Inequality and feeds on Inequality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world of Inequality as long as I could be the winner inside my secret mind games and have someone else be the loser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in comparison and competition with other women instead of stopping myself and my own separation in and as The Mind, which breeds all sort of sicknesses and jealousies and the world we live in within and without

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support all comparison and competitions in which I was sure to win and for not supporting comparisons and competitions in which I feared to lose, proving to myself that I supported comparison and competition only for the purpose to win and take something from others that I forced into a competition in my mind because I saw already from the start all their point of weaknesses I could go for so I could come out the winner and make them the losers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear competition with other women when I was in a Relationship, in fear my partners may be more attracted to another woman than me and that within this I would lose ground and value for myself and I would resort to all sort of nastiness to put them back into a place of losers so I could secure for myself my position in my relationship as the winner, in fear I would lose my men to a 'better woman' than me

When and as I see myself eating or about to eat not because I am hungry, but because I am putting a lid on all the feelings and emotions I have not yet dealt with effectively, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that food is a source of nourishment for my physical body and that I must use it in support of myself and not in and as punishment and for the purpose of fattening up to remove myself from the competition game, because that game must stop within me in and as the Mind and not by using my body to separate myself from the 'potential game' and cut me out of the competition/ comparison/ attractiveness game

When and as I see myself judging myself as disgusting for being fat and at the same time feeling pleased that I don't have to look at the point of 'being attractive/seducing' I stop, breathe, remind myself that this is a point I have to face and that allowing my body to revert to its comfortable weight is an act of sanity and that I owe my body my respect and not subject it to my fears and make it the scapegoat for what I am not willing to face as a point I need to change about myself

When and as I see myself fearing to go out because I am not attractive, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that self acceptance is about accepting myself as I am now, and that only in the unconditional self acceptance of me I can stand as the consequence of my behaviour and walk the consequences back to feeling comfortable and healthy within my body, stopping the abuses of me in and as the mind regarding what I will have to face, as I can see I am building self trust through self honesty and when I will be 'system attractive' again that is the place where I will be able to self correct, seeing the layers of my own deception and how I have designed myself to interact with men and seduction, so I can stop myself and stand in and as self correction

When and as I see myself not accepting myself because I have lost much of my source value as in being able to seduce and attract, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am not the value of how many men I can pull or of what feedback do I get when I go out from men staring at me, I remind myself that I have become a seductress because I mistook my value as Self as Self Worth and Self Value with the System Value and I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only live in and as separation always seeking for the Value I abdicated in my acceptance and allowed separation from myself as Life as Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my seduction games and to face my point of seduction/seductress in the physical, so I may stop my participation in and as an Energy system that feeds off men and the competition between women for the ability to seduce, I commit myself to show myself that I exist as Breath, as Life, One and Equal and not as an Energy Generator/ Consumer that lives in and self interest from one fix to the next