Day 424: Self Judgement as Elitist Self Interest

Post 423 walked privately

Yesterday I listened to an interview of the Series 'The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination', it was no. 12 called 'Where does Self judgement come from?' and it was a great Knock on the Head for me because it framed one of my relationship problems which I will uravel just now and made Self Judgement look and sound very unglamorous and totally phony.

I had already seen by myself the point in the past of 'not forgiving myself for something -because at least I don't forgive myself' which shows the extent of theMentia the Mind is willing to go to to protect self interest as energetic sources, but I had missed out on this one completely, of how Self Judgement seems to be fair game for the same reasons as in 'I am not forgiving myself -at least I was wrong but I am righteous', duh, so 'At least I criticize myself first, I don't have to wait for others to do it for me, this shows I am aware of my mistakes, hence I am good'.

The interview mentioned as well how this creates problems in relationships because I end up 'too busy judging myself and I don't have time for a relationship', to which I could add that since one fills up quite fast with self judgement, then it gets shared with another, projected outside, and so the unhappy stance I had with myself becomes the unhappy stance I have with another until I lose interest overwhelmed by guilt and blame.

So, here goes my self forgiveness because I can snap out of it, it's just a matter of being more aware of when I automatically move into self judgement to stop the automation because this is a side I have opened up recently of self responsibility for myself as I tried to clear the words 'taking self responsibility' to explain it to another in Italian, it means to ready oneself to step out of a specific automated mode to be finally response-able for the same event taking place in the future as one commits to not let the automatic response move faster than one's awareness but to create a gap when one can step in, in self awareness, as self awareness, to make another choice instead, a new choice, never tried before choice that considers what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the righteousness I sought through 'judging myself' is just an energetic pay back to balance out what I believed I said, thought or did wrong, instead of stepping up to the task of correcting myself beyond any useless judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I judge myself first, when others will judge me I won't have to feel the reaction to being judged instead of seeing realizing and understanding, there has always and only been me judging myself in ways that could have an impact on myself and my physical body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself  to judge myself endlessly so I could believe I was a good person because at least I judged myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy and paste this behavior from my mother who was always judging herself and while I judged her for judging herself, I judged myself and within this for judging my mother for her patterns of behavior without seeing, realizing and understanding we are all copy and paste of someone who has walked before us and many don't yet have the tools to correct themselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when seeing others who did not judge themselves thinking 'wow, you can't even see what you are doing' and wishing they judged themselves as harshly as I judged myself so I could share the burden of this pattern and keep believing that those that are righteous but wrong will at least 'judge themselves harshly' as if that could bring about any solution instead of stopping my desire to judge myself and the desire that others judge themselves equally, so we can move on beyond judgements to correct ourselves and realign to a world that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this pattern of self judgement was always in the way of me having a functional relationship because I would build up self judgement picking up on 'imaginary cues' coming from my partner, ending up blaming them for all the self judgement I was experiencing inside myself instead of taking self responsability as in deciding I was going to stop that pattern that I had automated in and as me and create a new behavior that was conducive to solutions vs flagellation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my own self judgement weighted me down as I lined up all the good reasons I had accumulated historically to judge myself and kept them handy to dust up and use when I felt the need to punish myself for who I believed I had been in thoughts, words and deeds

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I stuck to some of my 'negative' energetic rides because I felt less guilty than if I had held on to the positive ones, so I could justify myself that I was not doing it on purpose because 'who wants to feel bad', when in fact it is to see that the addiction is to 'feeling' as in generating an energetic experience and it makes no difference which side of the polarity I ride and within this for accepting and allowing myself to harm myself by accumulating self judgement that inevitably ended up in desire for self punishment through overeating, lack of exercise and a general zombification of myself which I no longer accept to participate in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that many of my self punishing behaviors stemmed from this practice of 'self judgement' and lack of self acceptance and that I would use self punishment to square the books instead of correcting myself so that I would no longer have to face the dis-appointment of myself as directive principle of my internal and external world

When and as I see myself about to judge myself, desiring to judge myself, looking for ammos I can use to blackmail myself into self judgement, I stop, breathe, bring up to mind the interview I heard deeply and tell myself that I am aware of what I'm trying to do and that I have committed to no longer allow myself to exist as self judgement, breathe, stabilize myself and keep walking

I commit myself to apply myself until this pattern is completely resolved within me and to refuse to engage self judgement as a way to generate energy and feel 'alive'

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that self judgement is self abuse and that I cannot participate in self abuse while wanting the abuse of this world to end and within this I commit myself to keep correcting myself from self judgement to self forgiveness in the moment and the application of self correction to become part of the solution and stop existing as part of the problem

Related articles

• Day 356 & 357 Self-Change through SELF-JUDGEMENT or through a simply DECISION?
• Day 148: Stopping Self Judgement by Comparison
• 196. The Elitist Evil behind Relationships
• Day 391: Me as the World Systems - The Judicial System
• Reactions as a window of Opportunity for self Intimacy - Day 310

Day 391: Me as the World Systems - The Judicial System

I have had an interesting conversation recently about how Islam views Jail as an inhumane solution.

Apparently giving a man 'Life' in jail is unthinkable within Islamic paradigm, that would mean that the man has no chance for redemption plus, given that jail is not a redemption centre and in no ways support anyone to correct themselves - why are we jailing people at all?

In some systems Jail is a Business, so the answer there is quite easy, we jail people for profit, we profit on the miss-takes of others and for that we hold them nailed to their history for Life and call them criminals.
We have created judicial systems that are so inhumane that we make nailing Jesus to the cross look lame.

According to Islamic understanding, under Sharia Law, no one can punish a man that steals for hunger or to feed his family or because he has no way to make a living because he stands as the proof that the system failed, in the Islamic scenario, the system that asks people to give back 10% of their earnings to the less fortunate. as something compulsory.

As I was listening to this person sharing I realized how many ideas I hold in my mind that are screwed about almost everything, I am not an advocate for any religion, far from it, but I don't mind someone having spelt out right that Inequality is Wrong, that not taking care of the less fortunate is inhumane, that holding anyone forever guilty for what they did that was not in alignment to what would have been best for themselves and everybody, is unacceptable.

In our group we remind each other to look at everything, keep what is good and discard the rest. Well then, I want to keep this with me, the understanding that we can have our chance for redemption only if we give it to others unconditionally and no one in this world is beyond the need for redemption, look at what we participated in, what a shame.

On a personal level, the prelude to this exchange was me sharing something that happened in the past between me and my mum, which as I went about telling, it made me cry, showing there is still a point of charge, a point in which I invested blame and judgement (isn't that what 'charging' someone is all about?) but as I talked this person replied to me that 'we were both the result of the faulty lives we lived' and on the word 'faulty' I felt no blame, no judgement but the quiet understanding that we live in a faulty world, playing out the faulty characters that we have become to the detriment of ourselves and others.

It is essential to remove all 'charges' from our lives, our memories are stored ad-hoc through our personalities eyes, emotional highs and lows and are generally manipulated to make up the story we want to paint, to make sure everyone gets it that, in My Imaginary Court of Law, I was right, that I am right even now as I keep holding the other wrong in my mind and turn him/her into a criminal, someone who committed the crime to step over one of my fail safe mechanism, making them pay for life for a crime they, either did not even commit, or committed in unawareness within circumstances I could never fully understand and making sure they are branded as a danger to me because I was unwilling to see my part in the whole play and share the responsibility and, within that, become the solution to end all judgements and release all from this hellish existence.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I would have been better than my mother if the same circumstances were given to me to live out - without seeing, realizing and understanding that if I had been in the same circumstances, with the same past and the same programs running in my mind, I would have been her -and I would have very possibly behaved in the same way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such thing as Justice in a world where we don't mind to let 2.5 billions of us go hungry because we have invented reasons called Economics or Politics that make it legal and explain why it should be so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regard the Law as a system where there is Equality such as in The Law is Equal for everyone, when in fact the Law is NOT Equal for everyone at all, it is more Equal for those with More Money and I don't need to look at the world systems to know that because I can see within myself that my Law doesn't apply to everyone Equally but according to gender, money, what I can profit from and the story I want to paint, making it an absolute unreliable tool to solve disputes that each one of us should start solving within ourselves instead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have a Justice system when in fact we have barely been able to create a retaliation System because we have never managed to overcome our spiteful nature and we took it all the way into our Judicial system as who we are

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Justice equals Retribution, without seeing, realizing and understanding that through this very word we have put a $price$ as a compensation to our abnormal behaviors instead of working to correct our ab-normality in realignment to a system that works for ourselves and everyone else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge things I know nothing about, like the Islamic religion, just because I have come to a final verdict about Islam that I have absorbed through the media and my own catholic culture that fought to place itself firmly into our minds and hearts, discarding everything else without consideration - without seeing, realizing and understanding that one reason why the Islamic religion is damned, doomed and demonized is because it firmly affirms the principle of Equality and of Equal Rights of all living being and that I should never make assumptions that then turn into judgements based on my limited understanding of a topic, place or person

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to express my nasty, hateful comments and judgements about this religion out loud to spite another without seeing realizing and understanding that within judgement I am Judgemental, no matter how many good reasons I believe I have for my stand and how rightful I can picture myself out to be about something

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use a judgement I made on something about my mum's past to make myself look like the victim of the situation and to explain why sometimes I behave the way I do, without seeing, realizing and understanding that while what she did may explain how I developed a specific trait or habit of behavior, judging and blaming her for me not changing what I realized doesn't work for me and everyone around me -is not acceptable

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when my partner did not take the bait of my judgement of my mother as the reason for my behavior and instead replied that 'we were both the result of faulty lives', not letting me get away with my own responsibility for me having to change my behavior no matter how good I have become in telling 'that storyì and refine that judgement and make it look like, at the final verdict, I am right and she is wrong because what she did is every bit culturally unacceptable and therefore the perfect excuse for me not having to change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this specific memory of my mum asking me to move out of her house in my teenage years, believing that she preferred to hold on to a man that was a molester than working out things with me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is my very limited interpretation of the events that unfolded in that circumstance and that if I wanted I could always have broadened my understanding of that particular moment in mine and my mother's life but I did not do it because I saw the chance for retribution and I did not want to miss out on it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that jailing people for life for 'terrible crimes' is the right thing to do, when in fact yesterday as I listened to my partner in a state of withhold judgement of any sort, I could see the amazing common sense of what he shared and how small our system of justice suddenly looked that doesn't take into account the well being of the one that has committed the crime because he has been judged guilty and as such - deserving to suffer instead of being helped and supported to see where his actions harmed himself and others and helped to correct himself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all judgement is Self Judgement as we exist as One, made of the same substance, lost in separation, and everything I do to another I am doing to MySelf  and within this for having judged myself as unredemable because of what I lived and participated in and as

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to  not see, realize and understand the pettiness of our 'justice system' that has written useless laws to make sure to protect our imaginary 'private properties' that go as far as our 'images' and avatars, pictures without any substance, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, we have created the Justice system one and equal to who we are, creatures born in an unsupportive system, hell bent to survive at any cost, creating copies of ourselves in our image and likeness out in the world systems to reflect back to us the real substance of everything we are participating in and to show us how much we need to correct ourselves to correct the system outside, one and equal

When and as I see myself wanting to, tempted to, desiring to share or replay the history between myself and my mother to make sure I get the upper hand in the PR number I am about to lay out, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am about to play out the role of the plaintiff in my imaginary court of justice according to how I have learnt justice should be applied, as in crucifying people to their mistakes for life, instead I do not allow myself to participate in this pattern, watch the thoughts, emotions and feelings reactions I get when I prevent myself from stepping into the pattern and commit myself to write out the final deletion of all of them until I can stand stable whenever I rethink about my past

When and as I see myself perceiving that my mum has no right to say, do or participate with me in a way that I find challenging because she has a pending Life sentence to live out, I stop, breathe, look at what made me feel challenged to the point of desiring to hold her accountable for life and use this avenue of disclosure to work on defusing whatever it is that came up for me that needs to be redirected to a solution

When and as I see myself making a judgement or wanting to make a judgement about someone without having taken into consideration all points within their life, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is no way for me yet to be able to see the sum of what this person has learnt, lived and walked to make any sort of assessment about their life, instead I work on learning to listen without judgement to anyone I share my life with, momentarily or in a more steady way

When and as I see myself judging myself or about to judge myself, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that self judgement is my way to in fact NOT change, which is how we created a system where people are judged and do not change, instead I suspend all judgement, I do not allow myself to move into any judgement constructs while I assess in Breath a particular point or situation and look for a solution to correct myself and the possible outcome of what I believe I have Miss-taken-ly done

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that true Justice would be to not accept anything less than what we could be and of what we could give to each other to create a world that works for all and to extend this understanding in all areas of my life until I no longer exist in and as judgement but as a point of support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

Day 389: Me as The World System - The Debt System

Day 389: Me as the World Systems - The Debt System

Day 389: Me as the World Systems - The Debt System - See more at: http://adirectorjourneystolife.blogspot.com/2014/03/day-389-me-as-world-systems-debt-system.html#sthash.vrwzo5ok.dpuf

Day 389: Me as the World Systems - The Debt System - See more at: http://adirectorjourneystolife.blogspot.com/2014/03/day-389-me-as-world-systems-debt-system.html#sthash.vrwzo5ok.dpuf

Day 371: Do I 'Mind'? Yes, unfortunately 'I Still Do Mind'...

I have been off my Mind Blogs for sometime now, mainly because I have not made the effort to overcome what was going on in my private life to find the Time to go back to self support as writing.

It would seem quite idiotic to not do the one thing that could effectively support me through this time of transition, but hei, this is the nature of me as The Mind, all about survival and no brains at all, no brains of the kind that helps to sort things out, this is why we remind to each other to go back to writing, when we don't we risk to be sucked back into Mind games, we risk self diminishment, self judgement, we risk to participate in meaningless tirades about who we have been, what we have done and everything we have participated in that we are not so proud of after all, instead of taking the time to just delete and move on, using the tools I have learnt with Desteni.

So, in this first blog returning from the Depth of Minding my own businesses, I will start with clearing the perception of myself as someone who shouldn't be entitled to write at all, because I have married many different causes before and I have seen me, as the Mind, using this specific point to belittle myself, to make sure that I won't have the balls to stand up because I shouldn't, because I have been a spokeperson for too many theories and belief system that I should have the decency to just shut up.

Instead, I won't. I will never shut up again, I have had many lives, none of which worth of any note because they were all targeting one point, my self fool-fillment and not seeking solutions to realign myself so that I can be one point that starts to broadcast Me as the World I want to live in.

Here is my self forgiveness on this specific point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to intimidate myself and bully myself about having lost the right to self expression due to the many causes and belief system I have been a spoke person for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could lose credibility if I stood up for Change because of my past and the past lives I have lived as a tarot reader, crystal healer, positive thinker and Abraham Hicks supporter, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that what I participated in doesn't define me unless I accept myself to be defined by it as who I am vs realizing that what I participated in was a quest to seek the truth about this creation and why I am here and in no way diminishes my ability to stand up and say I got it all wrong and I am now ready to realign and walk a process of real self change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to speak up, write blogs and share my new stance about existence and my role within it, I would be ridiculed and be told 'give it up already' instead of seeing realizing and understanding I have always feared my own self judgement about what I participated in for self aggrandizement and not the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing the name of my ex pop up on Skype, go into an anxiety about 'what if he reads what I write and then goes on to tell others that I am now involved with this 'new cult' and that I haven't changed because I am still at it, talking about ways to change myself when everyone knows that 'people don't change''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think and speak the words 'People dont/never change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in my 'ex husband' opinion of me as more valuable than what I am doing to change myself and for accepting and allowing myself to freeze at the idea of him rolling his eyes in contempt about the fact that what I am doing is 'unscientific, not proven to work and is just an idea in my head - not unlike the many others I pursued before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out in my mind the distress I would feel if such an event would take place instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my own self indulged creation coming to bite me back and that I can correct this imagination point by deleting it and no longer allowing myself to participate within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared at the idea that I have compromised my ability to share with others in common sense because I have participated in a lot of activities that lacked common sensical investigation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am walking the consequences of my unaware participation in reality and that I can correct this point by standing unwavering accumulating common sensical points until common sense is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of participation in writing due to what was going on in my private life, as adjusting to a relationship that turned out to be way more demanding than I first 'thought' when I did not evaluate all the points I would have to be involved with to support this person, until he can speak Italian properly and move independently without my help

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and filled with resentment because I accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship choice based on a nice solid ass, which is not much of a point one can base a relationship on, and for then facing the fact that I can't walk away as I have always done blaming him for not being able to keep up the pace of words with me, because I knew this point would need time and for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated at the amount of time this process is taking instead of seeing and realizing that learning a language is a time based process as one accumulates words and understanding and that it was my own ass-based assumptions that made it into something else before I entered the relationship, so I would not have to consider the time point which would have been a minus while I was wanting to collect only pluses to go and live out this relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and then bully others because I did not take the time to unbully myself in writing to avoid passing on my self abuse in the form of abuse to others

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up points about my past participation as a way from preventing myself from writing out my mind and what is going on within me, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is just a form of self sabotage and that I have the choice to not participate and move to writing myself out instead

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear the judgement of others about my current participation -yet again- within a cult-ish group, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing cult-ish about Desteni but the label someone attached to it as a form of prevention from having to face ourselves as The Mind and keep on walking my process in self support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my partner because he doesn't master words at the speed I do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there are many other ways in which he is supporting me and that I am singling out this point of words as an excuse to bully him and belittle him when I accept and allow myself to bully and belittle myself, so I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, do not accept to speak words in reaction that are not supportive and are creating consequences in mine and his life and instead offer the support required to him to be able to master this language in the time it will take - that cannot be set by my ideas or opinions about it in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to blame him for my lack of participation within process, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this is in fact self Dis'One-est as it has never been his fault if I faded away but my own responsibility to not give in to the Mind in self doubt and self judgement until I had to push to stand up again and keep walking

I commit to no longer suppress what is going on within me to the point of accumulation but instead to support myself through writings, SF and SCA until I can stand stable to keep walking my process with my group as the seed of the Humanity that will come, One and Equal, until it's done

Related articles

• 289: 'Be Positive' says the Distraction
• 276: Pimples, Projections and Perceptions
• 295: The Hidden Ego

Day 216: The Gangster's Moll Character - Self Correction

This is a follow up to my yesterday's post 'The Gangster's Moll'.

I will walk the Fear, Thought, Imagination, Backchat/internal conversation/ Reactions (Emotions/Feelings)/ Physical Behaviour and Consequences of this Character I have created

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment when I was growing up and to separate myself from it within my mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear boys that gathered together in a pack because I had experienced that when boys were in a group, they were worse than when they were alone and you never knew what was coming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to be less than boys as a result of a 'I show you mine if you show me yours moment' when I was laughed at and was not shown theirs and that left me feeling duped, stupid and inferior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if anything I desired, such as physical contact with boys, should happen, they would tell and I would have to be ashamed of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my own desires for boys and the physical contact with them due to how that contact/touch made me feel and fearing I was not allowed to feel the thrill of the touch of another because that made me "bad"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'bad' for enjoying the touch of another in the physical and for separating myself into suppressed desires in fear of my own judgement

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the boys in a group within an underlining desire that they would gather and take me, so if they did touch me I could skip the shame as it was their responsibility and fault and I had just been overpowered to do what they 'ordered' me to do

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that boys were dangerous in a pack and for filing memories with a danger label just so I could cover up my own desires to spend time with them and exploring each other physically

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a whole imaginary world around boys being BAD and dangerous, as I projected outside of myself my own self judgements of myself as being 'bad and dangerous'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, due to the imaginary world of projections I created around boys and how they were to blame for what I experienced and the desires I suppressed to spend time with them without being scolded or called a whore, to create an experience within myself of Fearing Men, when in fact what I always feared was just myself and my own self judgements

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to internalize comments about women and what a 'good woman is all about' which did not include mingling with men even though I enjoyed the presence of men around me, which led me to always be suspicious and on the defensive when I found myself around them, fearing my own reactions I believed I had no control over

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I wanted to be 'a good woman' whatever that meant, because I thought that good women had more value in the eyes of society than bad women, when in fact within this division and labeling there was just a game of blame and judgement going on, within which all women hid their own desires for the company of men but due to their own self judgement they refrained from doing what they really wanted and spent time pointing fingers at those who were more free and went for the experiences they wanted to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I didn't like men and their behaviour, simply because men were out to get what they really wanted, which was sex, which was what I also wanted but I couldn't allow myself to say so because if I did I would be a 'bad woman' and I feared I would no longer like myself then

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I kept this charade up to hide my own desires, create internal conversations to justify my view regarding the 'badness of men and their dangerous behaviour', to the point that I created fears within me regarding the men world as a result of my own dishonesty and then, as a result to the rising fears, I had to seek protection for myself against Them, and that led me to creating a Character seeking protection that developed into the full blown 'Gangster's Moll'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions of inferiority toward men as, while I was obsessed with them and their presence and I perceived myself changing around men, they seemed more relaxed as they went for what they wanted, or tried to and if they did not get it, they would leave it and go to play football, while I would be left behind within my obsessions and no one to blame them on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in feelings of superiority as I played my Character of the woman in need of protection, as by that stage I had gotten all clues in place about how the game was played, which was to NOT give in to what I wanted and boys wanted ,which was the physical contact, but to keep them hanging, for as long as it took until the game turned into an obsession for them too, so at least while none of us had what we wanted, we both shared the shitty state of unfulfilled obsession and I was the one in charge of the game, which made me feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished when around a man because I would immediately move into evaluating him as a potential sex partner, checking if it was in any way possible that with some pleats here and there, sex could happen and within this for never giving myself a chance to get to know somebody and who they were as I allowed my desires to take over while I allowed myself to go on a merry go round in my Mind instead of being here in and as breath, sharing space with another being as one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of Men, change as I busied myself trying to embody the perfect woman they had in their mind, so I could get their attention and once I had that, move into a position of superiority by playing the game of not giving in to the desires I myself put in their mind so I could feel strong and in charge for the sake of my Ego

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of men, as a result of my thoughts and backchat, feel excited, wondering which kind of feelings I could milk out for myself that would make me feel good about myself, without regard for the other being and what it would take for them to get off the imaginary creation I set up for them to engage in their mind for my own benefit and satisfaction

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a consequence of my projected fears and desires, create a Character as the 'Gangster's Moll' in which all my dreams came together, as  I would get to have the attention and recognition I craved in exchange for playing the 'Moll', the Doll, the Babe, the Baby, abdicating the responsibility of myself to another, my expression to another in exchange for a positive feedback that would make me feel valued and appreciated, instead of seeing where and how I had separated myself from Self Value and Self appreciation and correcting that point as me, so I could stand on my own two feet as a self responsible human being

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a consequence to living these suppressed desires into a Character that was in fact allowed to have them and live them, separate myself from myself into a play, into a shadow of who I was and wanted to be but did not accept in the face of my self judgements and the fear of the judgements of others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create for myself the consequence of needing protection as that was what I craved as a result of accepting that I was powerless in the face of my desires for men, and then blamed these desires on them until I feared them and from this fear I birthed the need for protection, which seems like a convoluted loop but as I write it it makes much sense, and for living a life in which I projected my need of protection as a consequence of my separation from myself, I forgive myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself desiring to move into 'protection mode', to stop and breathe, see which desires I am not willing to take responsibility for and breathe through them until I release myself so to not walk into this Character of the 'helpless woman in need of protection'

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself blasted into the past, where the easiest thing to do would be to revert back to Characters that I created and I am familiar with, to stop and breathe, as I see realize and understand, I don't need anyone's protection, I need to stand in self honesty regarding what goes on inside of me so I can face it and own it as me and if it is not aligned with what is best for all, correct myself to bring myself back into alignment as I stand by my decision that whatever I desire, want or believe I need that is not what is best for me and best for all, must go, as I change myself to change this world to a place where my desires don't come before the needs of all and my needs don't come after the desires of none.

Day 201: When I feel Stupid is Your Fault

Today first day back at the GYM. The gym consultant gave me a possible schedule of classes I could join and told me that today I could start with the 'Dance Fit' Class, she said it was easy enough to restart a fitness program. Reluctantly I went it.

The teacher started by saying that the choreography of the day was difficult, at which I approached her to tell her 'it's my first time should I give up? Is it going to be too difficult?' and she said 'I don't know, TRY!'.

This comment already moved some backchat, what do you mean you don't know, why don't you check in your head if the choreography you set up is for the Bolshoi Ballet or for American Idol and then come back to me with a specific answer?

The truth is I wanted out and she did not give me a reason to walk out, to quit, her fault.

So here starts the dance routine, she said 'we'll do Jennifer Lopez today'. Panic.

Breathe.

The room was full of mirrors like Versailles, amazingly it didn't reflect to me the Hippo in Tutu from Fantasia that my mind makes me out to be since I am out of shape, many women were not looking like Jennifer Lopez either, so my comparison with venom did not kick in in full power, yet as I stepped on like a retard with the on time crowd during the 45 minutes routine, I could only clumsily follow, I felt Stoopid, And stoopid multiplied to infinity in the endless play of the mirrors. 45 minutes of agony reflected back one million times.

While I was at it, I watched the backchat starting, I wanted to blame the teacher, silly fool, for not telling me HOW complicated it was, for not sparing me from feelingl stoopid, not wanting to take responsibility about the fact that it is my own doing, that I am the one that defined what looks fine and what doesn't and now I am just walking into the scenery i designed for myself.

Of course A conversation was going on in my mind as I became aware of my desire to blame the teacher, 'I'm not going to do that' I said to myself firmly playing out the feedback I was supposed to give to the consultant and yet, at the end of the lesson when I met the consultant I had to say that I didn't like the class, that the choreography was too difficult and the teacher 'not so nice' and I hoped she had not highlighted for me other classes with this teacher, instead of just saying I was too out of shape to follow the steps, there was nothing wrong with the class.

So defeated on so many levels, including my commitment to NOT do that thing I do of blaming others, I left the gym, only to stop at the bakery where I met my student, the one that just tries to survive and get the grade that will allow her to pass the year, had a 20 minutes conversation during which she found a million ways to expose why the teachers are stupid and unreasonable and why since she is specifically asked to do more than the meagre exercises she is supposed to do for homework, she can't be blamed for her failures. Heat went up to my ears. I concluded by saying 'come back to me when you want to learn, I can't FORCE this language on you and just so you know, you are fighting for your own limitations'

I huffed and puffed my way back home, of course wanting to blame her now for how far I am into irritation mode. When I got home I asked myself what was so irritating about this little girl trying to survive the system and voila', my own play in front of my eyes, she is trying to blame her teachers for how she feels about herself, stoopid and with no chance at ever grasping what the hell school is all about.

Welcome to the land of Blame, we "the Adults" are holding that candle up for you.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to keep up with the rest of the class at the GYM, because I was new there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fel uncomfortable whenever there is something new to do, in case I don't look my best

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a best and a worse to me, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am those characters that I have created and that I now play out and I judge myself for my performances within my role playing, instead of stopping the role playing so there is just 1 of me to deal with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike looking at myself in the mirrors in case they reflect back my own judgement of myself and when they didn't for wondering why I spend so much time in my mind when the reality I push myself to face never seems as bad as what goes on in the secrecy of my trials in my Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to the fact that I felt stoopid for moving out of time, look for faults in the teacher and in the class so I could feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the patience to learn something new because I have developed the habit to judge myself before I even try, instead of suspending all judgements and just do whatever it is I set myself out to do and correct myself along the way as I learn a new skill

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find solace in the fact that many women were out of shape because I did compare myself to them as a habit and then decided 'I was not so bad after all', instead of stopping comparison altogether and not using comparison as a way to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I stopped and had a chat with S., to allow irritation to mount as she looked for endless justifications of why she had a reason to flunk her tests because the teacher used vocabulary 'she is not expected to know' when in my mind I was telling myself that after 13 years of English we should have a fairly extensive vocabulary, so within both the irritation at the system and at the product of the system as S., I wanted to blame her for blaming her teacher in this endless blame game, instead of being me starting to take responsibility for how I feel so others can see the example of what becoming self responsible is all about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, since I gave in to the irritation that arose from the point of seeing someone else do what I had just done, as in blaming another for the way I felt, lose touch with reality and make myself useless as I was no longer Here and so I missed out on an opportunity to stand as a direction for this kid because I was too engulfed in an energy surge and I had to leave and for giving in to an energetic possession I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'I hope they fail her' which would make me right about the point that she has not been applying herself as she should have done, instead of seeing and realizing we have collectively already failed her, as we taught the children that they have to compete for best marks/grades and not that they are at school to learn something and in so doing we created these little monsters as mini me/us that now play out the Blame game and the It's not my responsibility game to remind us that this is what we are still doing all the time and that we have nothing of value to say until what we say is lived and then shared as the living word and not another dead advise from the deadbeats we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become

When and as I see myself moving into a negative emotion/experience of myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I give in then I will seek some ways to swing back into the positive feeling/experience of myself instead of standing stable in and as breath without giving in to myself as The Mind

When and as I see myself moving to blame/attempting to blame or already blaming something/somebody outside of myself for the way I have been experiencing myself, I stop, breathe, tell myself that this is not what I want to live and be one and equal to, instead I take responsibility for how I feel at any moment so I can see where my experiences originated from and release myself from them

I commit myself to stop this blaming game, to stop existing as blame and self judgement that then turns into blame and to find out consistently in self honesty where and how I am still participating in this movement, so I can stop myself and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 170: The (De)Grading of Children - Teacher Character
• Day 57: Fear - of not being in control
• Day 29. The Citizen
• The Poison within Irritation and Anger - Day 217
• Day 220: Determining Intelligence in a World of Idiocy
• Day 192: Social Engineering - PHD for Sale!!! Got Money?

Day 185: My Name as a Trigger of Fear

This is a continuation to my previous Post
Don't Call My name In Vain - Link at the Bottom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, record inside myself my name associated with Fear when a certain tone, tonality was applied to it, and for then accept and allow myself to move into automatic Fear whenever someone would use the same tone, tonality, as in stressing the 'o' in the middle of my name and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had accepted and allowed myself to turn my name into a Fear Trigger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, fear that my name would be called out by authority figures, having associated the fear I felt when my name was called in a certain way by authority figures and the power that I believed they held over me and that they would exercise by first calling my name out and then, once I would be in the grips of fear, administer their authoritarian behavior which left me feeling diminished and powerless because they held the power to call my name out and activate the experience of fear within me, and within this I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that any internal experience of myself is self created and has nothing to do with any one 'outside' of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as diminished when authority figure or adults (which were authority figure when I was a kid) would call my name out as I moved into the negative anticipations of the events to come, having associated my name being called out with emphasis on the middle 'o' as the warning of troubles to come that I would not be able to escape

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my name to the fear of people finding out that there were 2 'o's inside of it, a sign of masculinity that could not be hidden to anyone who came like me from a gender based language and for feeling I had to make up for that lack of femininity in my name, with an extra feminine personality so as to never have my femininity doubted due to my name containing two masculine vowels

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear short hair and bald heads because there is just so much masculinity I can pull out without being defined a 'male' and that was invested into my name into a delicate balancing act that would not allow for any other 'male' behavior such as short hair or bald heads and for defining myself as a female within the required parameters of this society I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people mentioned my name with a specific stress on the 'o' vowels, they meant that I was not feminine, that there was something faulty and wrong with me because as a female I should have had a name with feminine vowels and so every time my name was spoken with emphasis on the 'o's I would feel mocked and move into defense mode as I had to defend my femininity against my name, which by the way, every time I moved into this state of tension, thoughts about my mother and what the fuck she was thinking would come up and I would blame her for the experience of myself within my name and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my name spoken with a certain tone/intonation as a threat and for moving automatically into a defensive stance instead of seeing and realizing I had accepted and allowed myself to associate my name to specific tones/intonations that I would then take as an attack and to which I responded as an attack in retaliation for what I experienced inside myself that was just self created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the desire that friends and family would cut my name short, to cut away the shameful part of it, so I wouldn't have to face this automatic response that I held within me, as me, as fear about my name where I perceived the 'o's were spoken as a weapon used against my femininity that would put me into a situation of distancing myself from others that insisted in speaking or writing my full name instead of one of my nicknames, with which I was comfortable in and as, and for participating in the emotion of shame in connection to my name I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions connected to my name and for failing to see that all reactions I experienced in connection to my name where in fact self created and could be self corrected through a process of writing in which I decide that I cannot be defined by my name, that it is just a name for practical living purposes on this planet and nothing more/nothing less

I commit myself to, when and as my name is spoken in full, to stop and breathe, make sure I am or have not moved into fear as an automated reaction to a tone or tonality and I commit myself to bring myself back into the physical through breathing to dispel any reaction, should they occur, before I respond in any way whatsover

I commit myself to, when and as I hear my name spoken with emphasis on the 'o', to stop, breathe, realize that if a reaction comes up that makes me feel threatened for my femininity, it just means I need to further investigate this point until no reaction as fear of not being feminine comes up in relation to my name

I commit myself to, when and as I hear or see my whole name in writing, breathe, so I won't move into an automatic reaction of distancing myself and clamping up as I perceive the other being approaching me within a frame of intentional doing on purpose what I dislike, such as using my full name, instead I remind myself that it is my responsibility to clear all energetic attachments to my name so no reaction will be triggered ever again when my name is spoken or written out in full

I commit myself to welcome the speaking and writing of my full name to check if and where there are still reactions of fear or automated behavior that I can self correct so I can stand stable and not access my Name Character in self defense and retaliation

I commit myself to accept the simplicity of the point that a name is just a name, that doesn't make me less or more than anyone else, but a practical way to be able to communicate with others and operate within this physical reality.

Related articles

• Day 184: Don't Call My Name In Vain
• Day 137 Moving Through Fear
• Day 82 - Fear of Authority
• Day 188 Reactions in fear of being judged as unworthy.
• 2012 How Deep is your Low? The Bitter ends of a merry-go-round lifestyle