Thursday, May 3, 2012

Day 20: A Future of Fear

When I looked for a picture to represent what I am going through I found this one with the caption 'Why people love being scared' ? Which is for sure a pertinent question with what has been going on inside of me.
I can see a few points all interlinked

  • I fear knowing my future or my responsibilities, the ones I seemed to have agreed to and I don't know about
  • I am having troubles with the posts "Heaven's Creation" and the interviews about the Money System (Soul of Money) as when I read them I want to skip along and I can't read them out loud because I feel I'm just as delusional as when I believed in LOA, how can I take responsibility for what I cannot remember I have done or for what I cannot see linked to me yet ?
  • moved into paranoia when listened to Joao interview from which I immediately took out what could burden me and used it to burden myself

Then I spoke to my Buddy and the issue started to become clearer

  • when I went to check on Veno's Resonance articles regarding a pain I have had in my back recently, I finally saw it clearly, I have huge resistance to dig into reality in all its aspects, I fear it and as well I find it horrific, I fear facing my own anger and resentment for what is going on, for where we find ourselves, for the others in the Group who don't have it, who seem to have accepted the horror movie we are living as Mind Consciousness System with flair, they seem to have said, Ah, OK, we have been put into an Enslavement Design, that's fine, please supply the map to get out. What about having been into this shit hole for eons to allow Heaven to go on undisturbed, what do we do with that, we sit and listen to Anu and feel grateful for the keys to get out, where is the rightful Anger and indignation ?

I fear digging into the rabbit hole in fear of facing my anger, which I have just realized is huge, I have suppressed it all, the shock, the anger, the wanting to scream and kick something, yet I see that this very participation is the root of my Anxiety, part of what is not allowing me to relax and just walk, it is the fear of facing the anger of me, the anger at me for finding myself into this situation, for having weaved a lethal web around myself and others just for the pleasure to participate in high and lows of a demented games of value, I feel Insignificant and I wonder how will I get out of all of this, of this feeling of not even existing.
Yet I see I have taken process into my dreams, I do self Forgiveness in my dreams so I know I am in no way walking away from process, but I am angry, at me as process, because if I did not fuck up I wouldn't be in process at all, I would be Self Expressing and not playing Sherlock Holmes into my Life of which a lot of memories are blurred and I fear I can't find the way out of this maze.
I reread my writings and I can see, I'm fucking with myself, in my fear of not facing my anger I am preventing myself from expanding, from having more capacity as I keep myself pre-occupied and in-capacitated with the Past and the Future and I'm not Here, in the only place where my power to change myself and the world to what is best for All is Real as only Here I exist, out of the Mind, in my walk in and as Life, giving as I would like to receive Life to Myself and All existence, One and Equal.

So I start with for-giving Anu, and the other races involved in this and the silly Atlanteans who believed they had to be led by something in separation of themselves/ourselves, and I see that this is what created this mess, the separation and the lack of self direction, so I stop participating in my mind regarding the Past that is not real, and the Past of our creation which is Here to be forgiven so I can move consistently and stop the Anger that I feel for me, for my idiotic desire to have someone else stand up for me, so I can stand up for me and walk, I stop my participation in re-sent-ment, this word yesterday flashed in my head in Italian Ri-Sentimento, meas to feel again and then I saw this point of fuck up, in which I hold myself feeling the same stuff over and over again, which means I must be having the same thoughts swirling and twirling in my head to produce the same Ri-Sentimento and I stop, I see that what I feel for others is my creation, I have been jealous of the other Destonians who have dealt with this point more effectively than me, hence I did not want to look at it and say it, write it, for me to see, where I am stuck in a loop of festering emotions that I use to not allow myself to break free, and I stop, because breaking free from my own limitation is what I have committed to, for myself and All of Existence for and as What is Best for All, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my Anger and Shock for our Creation and for directing it outside of myself as a way of not having to face it in Self Responsibility and see that if All is Equal and One and I am the Created, I am the Creation and the Creator as well and it is only due to my existence of separation that I fail to see clearly the points explained and walked in the Blogs of Heaven's Journey to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear my Future as a way to keep myself enter-tained in and as the Mind because I fear my Past and I don't want to look at it in self Honesty so I can equalize myself to it and let it go through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm unable to see the points explained in heaven's Blogs because they are unrelated to me instead of seeing I fear to face my past in fear of the common sense I may see as the outflowing consequences I have to walk ahead of me to break free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Fear as a way to keep myself from walking through a point because fear prevents me to see what is laying underneath that needs to be addressed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own Fear which is just the Fear of looking at myself and what I have reduced myself to playing this game of winner and losers hoping to win without realizing that unless we walk in Oneness and Equality we are all losers

I forgive myself for accepting myself to desire to win in fear of losing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take something out of context with the purpose of finding an ammunition to shoot myself with, instead of applying myself in breath while I approach interviews and vlogs so I don't have to drag myself through them in my Mind generated Fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I boarded a train to Life and I am hanging from the back of this train running in Full Speed without giving myself credit for having in fact made the decision to board this train as me and not as something that 'happened to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will walk away from this process because I do not allow myself to trust myself that this is a decision I have in fact made and I'm not turning back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing my responsibility as Life to Life in fear I won't be able to stand in and as it and I will fuck up process for everybody else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to know what my responsibility is as a point of specialness that me as Ego can use to boost myself into finding 'purpose to my existence'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the losing of my ability to move myself in and as emotions and feelings because this is what I have been all of my life and now that I have to self direct myself  I feel lost and sometimes not up to the task

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of other Destonians who have not manifested this point but only the Joy of process because I allow myself to feel inadequate just because I was not wiling to look at the point of Blame of my emotions onto Creation, which is still onto myself, so I could release it and move with more ease

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Jealousy about process inside of me due to my own accepted and allowed judgements of how others are walking their process when in fact I know fuck all about how things really are for each one of us and what each one of us is walking to the same shared common goal of Life One and Equal for everyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to stand because I accept and allow myself to live in and as the past of my fuck ups, instead of seeing that each breath I take is an opportunity to start new and it's in THIS very breath that I make new statements and commitments about who I AM and then walk that point into Life as Life as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process unnecessarily difficult for myself when I could have just kept walking and not allow myself to get distracted by my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my insignificance and losing myself while I see I can lose only what was never real and I am as insignificant as I allow myself to be within my mind, while when I bring myself back Here in Breath I am not in the Mind and expanding myself and my capacity with each Breath I take that is not Energy based but Life based

When and as I see myself tormenting myself or about to torment myself about my 'process performance, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no schedule to meet or performance table and that I just need to keep walking, One point at the Time, with no Blame for myself or others, with no Re-sentment for Myself or others, with no Anger for Myself or others, because we must have all participated or we would not be here and as I got myself here now I can get myself out of the here and now of the Mind, into the Here of Life, where Life has always been stable and One, waiting for everyone to come Home.

When and as I see myself looking for points of comparison to see how I am doing, I stop, remind myself of Marduk's interview about Process and walk mine, with no comparison or fear, One and Equal to the process of everyone, yet walking my own road back through my own fuck ups that cannot be measured or compared but just walked backward until all that remain is Here, as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop pretending to be afraid as I know Fear is not real and that I am using it for self manipulation, instead I keep walking, for myself, for existence, until All is Free, One and Equal and Life can be born in and as the Physical.

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