Day 19: The Reward World of the Underdogs

Yesterday I watched the documentary The Trap,

The point that stood out for me was the point of "Humans cannot trust each other", it tied in nicely with something I wrote yesterday and a few days ago and a movie I watched recently called 'The Keeper".

In my neighborhood people were mainly poor and lacked an education and their parents lacked the perspective that an education is of any importance at all, since Life is just about getting what you need and want, everybody is dishonest in some ways and 'You can't trust anybody".

Since violence was the accepted way of settling disputes, starting at Home, it was who was willing to be the most violent and most ruthless that would get the prize, the prize could be drugs or money or both.

Many parents had given up on the idea of a dignified Life and would make do with anything just to survive.

One of my girlfriend's mother would take Money from 'older men' she spent time with, she was not a prostitute on the streets or an escort, she had a job and a 'regular' life' and had this extra income on the side as my girlfriend told me nonchalantly, and when I was 26 and I had a boyfriend that was 52 she asked me why didn't I take money from him (he was a fit 52 years old, good looking and broke, so I am in no way stating I would not have and I was better than her mum, I just did not have the need to have to think this one out) like her mum was doing, because men are supposed to help us, basically accepting to reduce our lives to an exchange system of values, not different from the stock market, where beauty, education and everything we 'owned' and believe to be, could be traded for 'points' and then the points could be traded for money.

My mum paid me to change the closets between summer and winter, I still remember the first time she offered money to me to do something I would have done for free, because rewards are not only Money based, they are emotionally based as well, if we do something 'good' and 'right' at home, parents will make us feel good about ourselves.

Of The Trap  Documentary I liked the part when Lang discovered that it was the secret games happening at home that could lead one to mental problems, those secret games are the Energy games, the feelings and emotions we trade on the Stock Market of Life.

In the movie 'The Keeper', a sergeant of the American police, kidnaps a stripper, and locks her into a cage in his basement for reeducation, applying his father educational system, the Points system, which was the absolute carbon copy of the Reward System, every action, word, attitude, behaviour was valued on the Reward System board based on Points, and in the movie he states it out clearly 'I did not do that because I'm a good person, I did it for the Points', in the movie the point of The Points was exaggerated and given a life of its own that the child had breathed into and as Life and as Himself, the sins of the fathers living on.

Underdogs have a Points system too, they are promised a reward for accepting their underdog lives, religion is one of the underdogs points system, we are told that even if we have nothing 'as points' to exchange, no beauty, no culture, no education, we have Hope, Hope is a reward system, you can at least Hope to be rewarded, to make it across the line between the "Have it All" and the "Have Nothing At All" (if not here in the Afterlife, hope goes on after Death), this is the Underdog Urban Legend, 'even you can make it to the reward' of feeling good and having a safe life, just keep trying, do whatever you need to do, some make it, look, here comes another Underdog story, and with this pacifier even the Underdogs don't want a system change, because they may make it after all, they might collect enough Points to trade for a decent life, they have worked out how the system works and they are saving Points, sometimes they collect the Fear of others, that too can be traded for something that gives them Points, like sex or money.

My neighborhood was a reward system based on the Poor's perception of what a reward is, having no access to the good feelings that are generated by feeling safe, loved and having money, the good side of the polarity of life and living mainly in and as the negative emotional polarity of existence, getting the money or the drugs to even out and balance the emotional lives of horrors they lived at home was not a desire, it was a need.

 

We live in a society that creates People with Mental Problems, and then we put Shame on the Mental Problems that are  guaranteed just by being born in this world.

Are the mental health professional sane ? Unlikely, how could they be ?
In the documentary (the Trap) a renowned Psychiatrist admitted himself to a Mental Institution when he discovered he heard voices in his head and realized, he had created those voices that were now talking to him and the stories he had made up to sustain them were no longer working.
He could no longer pretend All was fine Within His World.

We need to create a world where we teach each other about a Value System that is NOT based on emotions and feelings and rewards, but on Life values and What is Best for All, we need to step out of the delusion of Polarity to allow a different world to manifest, we need to trust that another Humanity is possible, that we can trust each other if each one of us can trust Himself/Herself, so we start to change ourselves to prove to ourselves that if I can Change, the World can Change, One and Equal to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spoilt by a reward system from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to believe that living is about being re-warded for living and not just about Life itself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade on the Reward System market who I Am in exchange for what I was supposed to be to have rewards

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not enough and I needed Points to make myself valuable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others just to be good enough to be rewarded within the world reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mental illnesses and being a mental case when I realized the world is insane and we are all mental cases

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire rewards for everything I do, think, say because I have accepted Life as a reward system and I have not yet stopped consistently my participation in and as a reward system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because I don't feel happy anymore when there's the sunshine as in energetic happy and I am at a loss about how to move myself if not through an energy motivation/reward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to motivate myself through energy and intuition to move instead of being the directive principle of my life making decisions based on what is best for All and then walking my decisions Breath by Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and thus fear that if I don't feel energetic movements within me to motivate and lead me I am not alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am Energy and not Life and for accepting and allowing myself to built myself as a network of energetic relationships to pretend I am alive when I buzz in and out of energetic movements, giving up the stability of me existing Here in every moment of Breath as Life without any movement or reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call people who were not as reactive as me 'emotionally impaired' instead of seeing I was the one impaired by emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have emotionally impaired myself due to my extensive participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade Life for Energy and for abusing myself in the process up to physical abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cringe every time someone told me of how they managed to get a child to do something through a reward, because I have not forgiven myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of rewards from childhood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself so much into the reward system that I have been unable to support others one and equal in not passing on to children this disease even though I could see that it was a key point in our problem but not how far the rabbit hole went

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that a Life of rewards is acceptable and that rewards define who I am as the points in the movie "The Keeper"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/need to be rewarded as a way to define myself and see if I am doing well or poorly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself to be and become a reward system for others as well, applying the same principle of the reward game to my energetic interaction where I would reward the worthy with 'good feelings' and the unworthy with 'bad feelings' based on their alignment to my desires and expectations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad every time my mother wants to give me something as I have always seen and still do the movements behind the giving because they are my same movements of reward and manipulation for which I For-give myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to aspire to some 'normality' that I could not define because normality is rewarded and ab-normality as I felt within all these energetic movements is punished with the label 'mental case/nutcase' and sent to a mental institution or put on medication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may have my mum's mental problems growing older and for fear of growing older and having to face mental instability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mental state we share in this world is 'normal' and we have to work to accept it, instead of seeing there is something clearly wrong here because I feared investigating reality and discovering it's all a big fat lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and the  people in my neighborhood for what each one of us did to get to the reward board that then we passed on as a life system, some through the education of their children and some like me through their working endeavours

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the reward disease into the working place marrying reward models as a way to have people work because I did not trust anyone would do anything for free just for what is best for all, because I would not

When and as I see myself desiring a reward to define myself I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I am seeking a reward I am not Here in Breath where Life One and Equal is the Reward in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring to manipulate others into an emotional/feeling reward system I stop, breathe, remind myself that I am just pushing them on one or the other side of the reward polarity and I am feeding an addiction, instead I look for the right words to express my new stance on reward and why I no longer participate in and if required

When and as I see myself demonizing rewards, like the points I get for shopping that give me money discounts, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the points are not the problem, it is who I am within the reward system when and as I believe myself to be One and Equal to the value points I collect and move myself up and down on my own self designed and self assigned Reward Board within emotions and feelings to match my value/points imaginary board,  and that I am walking to become stable Here in every moment of Breath out of the Polarity game in and as Life One and Equal in and as What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my life as a Spoilt Child of the Reward System, to no longer use for myself or others Rewards as a motivation to stand, move and do what needs to be done and What is best for All, as Life, as One and Equal.