Day 34: When Love and Light Fail

I have been to Venice with a friend, yesterday when we were about to miss the train she said that she would ‘make the train late’ since she has already been able to change weather and weather patterns, 'heal people' and generally ‘have her way by using this Love and Light ‘ideas’ and Be Lie fs, systems.

Instead we missed the train, she said that the timing was too short for the Light to step in and do the Miracle/Work, she is into the triple numbers as well as a proof of her 'alignment to source'.

It was a walk into memory lane for me, I have done all of the above, alignment of numbers inclusive, my favourite was 111 just because Abraham talked about it and I loved Abraham Teachings, they made Me Feel So Good, I have also extensively pestered my ex husband about the Light and the Love that could 'change the world' telling him he just lacked the Faith, even mocked Him as a man with no BeLief in anything, a shallow creature that could not see beyond his nose, while I could, as I was better than Him, I could see beyond my nose even when my nose grew longer, like Pinocchio’s, for all the bullshit I spread about things I knew fuck all about, pretty much like anyone else since they are invisible, relying on ‘feelings’ which are just biochemical reactions of my de-mented brain to accuse and crucify others for not seeing ‘The Light’, not wanting to accept that “Money is the Light of God on Earth”, that only Money gives or takes Life as a form of given or withheld support in this world that we have collectivey created and manifested into existence through our acceptances and allowances and our direct participation in it as it.

Yet, no matter how clear it all is once we wake up, we must WANT to wake up, because the Dream is Self Built and Only Each One of us Individually can Awaken from the Sleeping Beautiness that we use as the lid for this existence of Abuse, to be able to BeLieve that we are in fact good while we zoom in our Minds and shoot light and love darts/rays to all of Humanity to uplift them to other dimension, deluding ourselves that we have done enough, that we are good enough, while we can watch them starve and have no access to clean water or a roof over their head, justifying this existence as an illusion in the face of the people that suffer that cross our paths daily, but we are too blinded by the Light to see them, notice them, extend to them what in Truth we know is The Solution to Human Suffering which is Equal Access to the Resources of the Earth, giving to each Human Being the chance we would want to have, a dignified life for All, and no longer justifying why I can change weather patterns (which I practiced as well in the past) but not care for my neighbours enough to stand up for and as a solution for All as One and Equal, in fear of losing the image and idea of myself, which was never real to start with.

I would have stood up for the Light just a few years ago, yet last night we proved that the Light can let you down in any moment, that the Light is in fact NOT the giver of Life on this planet at the Moment, as that would  be Money;  if we were left with only the Love and the Light and no cash or credit cards we would have slept outside in the freezing night of Venice, freezing wind blowing, humidity into the bones, no food, no shelter, no mercy, left to experience what we bestow on others who are far and remote and from which we escape into and as our Minds, anything will do, from meditation to chanting, to giving a few pennies to uplift ourselves from Guilt, whatever it takes for the next 'feel good' experience, energy fix, while Life is wasted through each and every wasted Breath of ours.

The ‘healers of the love and light’ will have a harder time than I did to let delusions go and land back on the planet, the Light is their Employer, it’s the hand that feeds them while they busy themselves pretending to be unconcerned with money, above it, having been granted special Status by the Light itself, but living as Fear, with many rituals to live by to make sure that the granted 'specialness' lasts, that the Voices in the Head as Guidance won't leave them to the harsh truth of this reality, having to always make sure to check the right side of the earth axes to be on the right side of the polarity equation, willing to do anything to guarantee their own survival, whatever it takes, jump three times around a pole, hold the lucky flower, the lucky stone/crystal, the lucky perspective and the BeLief that everything is fine, because if and when we stop, the visible world looks just as it is, a place full of fears, our very own, that we are in fact in no way in control, being the controlled ones through an infinite numbers of rules and loops we have set up for ourselves to live by and through to guarantee our safe delivery from Evil and the truth of the world, which is not Love and Light/Energy, but a shithole of suffering that we live in fear may reach us too and drag us down into the Planet where we will no longer be able to escape, delivered into what we have been trying to escape since Birth we would have to face what we have created through our abdication of Life, and the fear that Love and Light may not be real is just too big, until they both Fail Us, when the Love and the Light 'belief system' collapsed for me, the fall from my Self Imagined Grace was hard to swallow.

I did want to heal, to the contrary of what many healers told me as a justification about why nothing worked to uplift me from my existential misery, it was not a lesson, it was not that I was not ready, not willing, not good enough, aligned enough, believed enough in the healing or the Light that failed me, there was only one point that was never discussed in fear it would make the healers useless, obsolete, and in the worst cases, just frauds, and that was instead the key to my problem, it was me not accepting that I was in fact the one that would have to do the work to put myself back together and no one else would ever be able to Self Realize Me on my behalf.

Dropping the Light Idea and Belief System was not easy for me, yet as one that lives with numbers and statistics accumulating in my head, even without an active participation, when I looked at the Light Performance Balance Sheet the success rate was equivalent to what I would have obtained rubbing the Rabbit Foot, to saying 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' as Mary Poppins did or to praying, chanting, dropping a coin in the Wish Fountain, and for a long time I would try and count only the successes, quickly and deliberately attempting to delete All failures or to find good excuses, blaming my Light or Law of Attractions Failures on others, who did not BeLieve in it enough to make it happen so I could still BeLieve that it worked for me and that was the only thing that counted, basically honestly, fuck everyone else.

We have just changed the Power Source/God/Divine/Universe/Emperor clothes, but we have not given up our  need for it, yet if we want this world to change, we better get back at the Helm, because the Light just sucks as a reliable provider of goodness for everyone equally and  the Love is even worse, with the Love Idea and BeLief we deceive and abuse, let’s give them  up for good to build a world that is Best for All and to grant to everyone what we would like to receive, if I were hungry I would not want a chanting session, or a guided visualization or a lift to the 4^th dimension, I would want food and practical help Here, where I live and where I would hope to see everyone landing soon so we may sort out this planet and make it work for Everyone to stop all Abuses against Life in all its expressions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is possible for me to upset someone else instead of seeing it is their own doing as it is my doing whatever happens inside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I create an upset in someone I have to pay for it and I associate paying for it to paying with money to uplift myself out of the feelings I have accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be the cause of someone’s being upset instead of seeing it must be their own doing and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must pay other’s upsets I have caused and for accepting that some ‘faults’ can be levered with money which turned me into a generous personality to build credits in case I fuck up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that any fuck up can be settled by Money and for desiring Money as a Fuck Up insurance because I did not trust myself due to my own judgements of myself and others one and equal as untrustworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others based on my/their past behaviours condemning myself and others to live into this looping past due to my inability to stop the judgement of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the White Light and Energy constructs as a way to not have to take responsibility for my Life and deciding who I want to be and what I want to do, but hoping and trusting that someone else will make decisions for me and then show me the way through ‘signs’ of any kind I could make up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice that by ritualizing myself into things to do in specific ways I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorders and the need to control everything and everyone grew in fear I may no be able to ‘make everything work’ and look successful with and as my alignment with the light

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and say ‘give me a sign/dammi un segno’ as a way to be guided and led on ‘the right path’ which now seems almost ridiculous to write as the right path has always been my preprogrammed path for which I would be re-warded with good feelings instead than bad emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the benevolence of the white light, even though the sign that at the least it was ‘an elitist’ club to belong to that was NOT providing for everyone equally but I did not care, because I was "in" and the rest of the world could fuck itself while I enjoyed my specialness and uniqueness as a white light puppet/muppet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that someone bigger than me could protect me because I feared this existence and this world, one and equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the Light and Love and the bullshit I believed to ‘make myself feel better’ to walk alone and as ALLONE out of the Mind and the bullshit I believed to ‘make myself feel better’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the white light/god construct as a way to feel better about this reality that I judged as unfit for life and yet I did not stand up as the solution that would benefit All Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my Light Failures and for mocking my ex husband as a non believer because he lacked the Faith to believe in the invisible that I could not see but I could swear existed because ' felt it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those that would not play with my delusions of Light and Love, because they had awakened to the truth of this world, as negative and party poopers, like my ex husband who wanted to watch the news and be informed about what was going on in the world, because I believed and told myself that they did not want to allow me to feel good about myself which was my birthright that I would pursue even if it meant switching off deliberately from reality so I could create an alternative one in my mind that I liked better and in which I felt more comfortable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel comfortable about this world in separation from my own creation that I judge as evil and in which I do not wanted to live or participate with, instead of realizing I was always and only blaming and judging myself without seeing that blaming and judging will only further separate me from the reality I exist as and will prevent me from acknowledging this world as me and stand up to change me as the world, one and equal, to manifest Heaven on Earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for what I tried to impose on my ex husband as a way to think and live by, hoping that if I could recruit people into my delusions they would grow stronger and I would have more back up for my belief system that lacked substance or common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the world as my creation in fear that I would have to take responsibility for it all and that I was too insignificant to be able to change anything, starting with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify and support my friend's delusions so they would support mine and we could all live happily in our make belief worlds while half of the world could not even have access to regular meals

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not standing up as the solution but for hiding into mind constructs of my own creations that I had to make more and more convoluted to be able to BeLieve them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dissatisfied with Reality to the point that I did not want to live into it longer than necessary, which was the time I was engaged in working or my jobs, spending the rest of my time off in my mind creations in which I pictured a world that made sense because this one didn't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this world and for believing I better believe in something that could shield me and protect me because I didn't trust myself enough to walk alone in and as this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to see that it is Money that decides who lives and who dies, because if I did I would have to face that I too had no other God but Money and that everything I did, how I lived and the choices I had access to were all because of the Money I had and never thanks to the white light or love, as I feared looking at reality and facing the point that I had turned into a Money Whore, just like everyone else, where whatever we do, think and live is possible only due to Money and what Money can do for us, and that everything else I told myself to  show I was above and beyond was just a lie, a story I told myself to 'feel good' about myself because looking at myself as a Money Whore makes me feel bad and I want to be more than those who are blatantly and obviously living with Money in their every thought and word, without seeing they are just more honest than me, by speaking their very Fears of survival through their Money talk and focus out loud, instead of suppressing and hiding it not to have to face the point that we are All equally fucked within this system and we better stand up and change it to benefit Everyone Equally so we too, money or not as our starting point, may start to live Self Honestly and Dignity as ourselves and stop all Money Value games to bring Heaven on Earth for ourselves and everyone Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was better than others who displayed obviously their Money interest instead of suppressing and hiding it in the good taste and deception we have all learnt as the acceptable way to relate to Money so we may continue to pretend that it is not important and the very root cause of everything we can or cannot do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself and be angry at myself because of my participation in and as the Money system that I tried to suppress and deny in fear of my own judgement of myself as a Money whore and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or others as money whores for whatever they did to get the money they needed to survive and I stop any and all judgements of myself and others relative to Money so I can stand in and as self correction as the Money solution as Life support Equal and One for everyone

When and as I see myself longing or about to long for an external higher help to get me out of the manifested con-sequences of my existence, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that there is no Higher Power above me, that I am All There Is and I have to keep walking to accumulate Self trust as me within Self Honesty and Self Corrective Application

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into Money judgements of myself and others, I stop, Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, until I see that I no longer stand in judgement as I remind myself that we need a system change and that judging others or myself for our Money stand at the moment is not only irrelevant but it's separation, and that I am already walking in and as the correction and that I no longer want to participate in judgements for the world as it is but just change myself as the world to bring Heaven to Earth for everyone Equally giving as I would like to receive Equal Access to Life to All, with no strings attached

I commit myself to implement a new system of support for All equal and One,  to end all abuses against Life, to stop our abdication of ourselves as Life to the current Money system of Fear and survival so we may live the abundance that is Here for everyone if we live in and as the principle of 'Give as you would like to receive', I commit myself to give as I would like to receive to All Equally and to expose the abuses of the current system until we may come to see the need for a change of the system as us, from a system of self interest to a system that considers All Equally and All Life Equally Valuable and Equally Worthy to bring Heaven on Earth for All, Equal and One.