Day 88: The Rejected Character Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment

Follow up From Yesterday's Post

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character

My mum saying she did not love me at first sight

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of my mum saying that she did not love me at first sight, allowing myself to feel diminished comparing myself to the children that I heard were loved at first sight, and within this sadness and diminishment I created enough energy to embody the Character as me, the Rejected as me, failing to see I was walking into a family Character and that I wanted to believe I was rejected so I would have a point of friction with my mother through which I could generate energy for myself as the Mind and that with time I have manipulated this memory, to make it more than just a point my mother shared to express herself about her not having immediately engaged 'The Mother' Character, yet I took it personally and turned myself into the experience of 'Rejection' that I created again and again to point out to myself that this was what I was accepting and allowing in and as myself and yet I missed the point and lived out my rejections in Full Character and for this I FORGIVE MYSELF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having Character was a good thing, that showed the determination of someone and how specific they were about Who They Were, failing to see it was just the expression of how well One pretended to be a specific Character everyone had subscribed to and approved of  and that 'having Character' didn't mean to Be Real

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of me of my mum saying that she had not loved me at first sight, that I have used to abuse myself within and as The Creation of the Rejected Character, so I could start Building some Characters into my Characters file to define myself by, so I could participate in this Character play with others in which I would uphold and confirm their Characters as long as they did the same for me and my Character and I commit myself to stop living a life of Characters to return Here in and as Breath to birth myself as Life in the Physical

My mum standing up for other kids against me

I forgive myself for, after having filed and imprinted the memory of myself as 'rejected' walking through life attempting to validate this memory as me seeking for experiences that I could manipulate into an idea of rejection so I would bring back the Rejected within me and feel victimised by external events and people and that I deserved better than the family I had, so I dreamed about Mary Poppins and when she would be flying to My Home, since it was clear (as I convinced myself) that I was an abused child that someone should take care of me, creating the premises for the Character of 'Someone Must Take care of me/Someone Must Save Me' that led to my Desire to believe in a saviour, in a God that was more powerful than Me to come and Save me, failing to see myself as the Creator of my experiences and the Characters I played out

I commit myself to delete this memory of me and let it go for good as I see and realize memories are not me as who I really am, but foundation blocks of Characters that I embody through memories that keep me in the past that I now let go, the Past is Over

My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to file a memory of my mum standing up for her boyfriend instead than for me, when I can clearly recall beyond my own memory manipulation that both myself and her boyfriend competed for the attention and support of my mother, me as the Character of the beloved daughter and he as the Partner, pulling her every one way just to prove who among us was the most important, picking hideous points in opposition to each other to force my mother to make choices to confirm Who was most important between the two of us, proving that we never become adult as this was happening Equally between a child and an adult stuck into a child behaviour of tantrums for attention and validation as I myself am today, and for this I forgive myself and commit myself to stopping my energy tantrums.

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mother standing up for her boyfriend only , when I can in fact remember that she tried to do a balancing act, but I only filed what I wanted to remember to validate my own Character of the Rejected One as the Victim of the situation so I could go into self pity and feel sorry for myself, creating imaginary energy credits for which I was owed something and within this setting up my own Energy investments, like equity funds, to be paid up later down the line by my debtors and for this I forgive myself and commit myself to stop my imaginary energy investments to bring myself back Here in and as Breath

My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with the image of my mum not talking to me for days, which I then played out in bits and pieces into my relationship as I saw within this Character of Her a point of Self Righteousness I wanted for myself as that seemed to accumulate energy credits quite fast within the energy banking system and for this I forgive myself for having embodied Self Righteousness as me to accumulate Energy Credits for myself on my Imaginary Energy Stock Exchange.

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mother not talking to me for days, seeing and realizing I have always and only filed what I wanted ,and seen what I wanted to be able to support and manage my own Characters and my existence as a Character within an Energy play

My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with this memory of my mum telling me 'go think about it' as a memory that proved that I was in fact 'rejected' in and at the moment she would say this, piling up moments such as this to confirm and validate the existence of myself as 'the Rejected' so I could justify my own reactions, emotions and feelings toward my mum that I wanted to hold on to, because they generated the friction I needed to exist as energy, proving I was never standing as the Solution as Breath but equally participating within the friction of our relationship and for this I forgive myself

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my mum telling me to 'go think about it' as I see she did what she believed was right and we just moved along and passed on the damaged Characters of ourselves to each other in a sting of delusions and stupidity loops, forgetting that everything that is Here is Self as Me and instead keeping on the facade of being many with many Opinions and Characters to satisfy to be able to infact always live in a state of constant friction to generate the energy that kept the show alive, instead of stepping off the stage to start to Breathe to realize I am Here, I Breathe

My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file and imprint myself with the memory of my grandfather not talking to me because I ran away from Home and did not tell him or he would have stood in the way of my desire to just leave it all behind, and since he felt rejected as in not informed and not important he went on and played out the 'rejected one' that gets back through rejection as I myself did in my Life, pretending to not care when I believed and perceived I was, had been rejected or I was about to or in the vicinity of the possibility of being rejected and within this I forgive myself for playing the Rejected that Rejects Character as a pay back and squaring of the books of rejection, while I blamed others for what and how I experienced myself within my Rejection, never owning up to the point that whatever I experience within me as me is my responsibility and I can Stop it and correct it as myself through self honesty and self responsibility

I commit myself to let go and delete this memory of my grandfather who I perceived  rejected me for having been rejected and to see and realize that we have passed onto each other our diseased Characters and Role Playing of the Mind and that it is time to let go of the Past that if we carry will just loop us as Characters into the same life experiences, as Characters have a limited ability to create within Energy Plays, while stopping All Characters to become Equal to All Characters of the World will put an end to this game and bring us back Home to Equality and Oneness Here in and as Breath for Life and All of existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out again and again the Rejected Character, feeling and believing myself to be real as the Rejected Character when

when my boyfriend told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend

when my lover told me he was going back to his wife

when M. told me he was going back to his girlfriend and 2 children

when I Feared that my ex husband that regretted to have married me and wished he could reject me :) and when within this I forgive myself the fear of being rejected

when My ex husband did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage

when My ex husband told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself

when My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize  told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BeLieve that those situation were a proof that I was in fact rejected and they would not/could not be disputed, while I argued with myself for my own limitations as the 'Rejected Character', looking and making up clues in other people's behaviors in support of my Character which was a Family heirloom and should not be given away or disposed of easily, because it came with a Life of memories of its own to which I just added my load to give it More Life and make me into this Character, trapping myself into rejections timeloops until I stood up to see, the only one rejecting me was myself as I never embraced myself unconditionally but lived in and as the judgement of me as the Rejected/Rejectable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for perceiving I had been rejected and then  shame because it must have been my fault since people do not go rejecting people around over nothing, failing to see, I was just 'in Character' always looking for people breaking points so I could finally be 'rejected' when they had enough, so I could fulfill myself in and as the Rejected, which then became one of the foundations for my Rebel Character ad on and on from one delusional Character to the next

I commit myself to stop all self abuse related to my ideas and beliefs of rejections, seeing realizing and understanding that "I', as I stand in and as Breath, don't have ideas or opinions, they belong to my Characters and that when I am debating regarding ideas and opinions I am NOT Here, I am in Character proving that I exist since I have all these things to show for my existence as ideas, beliefs and opinions so I must be Real, instead of seeing it is BECAUSE I am NOT real that I have piled up this arsenal of memories, ideas and opinions to make 'me' up and then 'live me out' as I literally consume myself as I try to Breathe in between all this stage fights among Characters looking for their own 'Air Time' while I suffocate myself as I don't see that sharing Air Time with Characters leaves me Breathless, thus NOT HERE and that I must be the One getting AIR TIME, ALL OF IT, for myself as the Physical to stop my existence of self abuse as Energy and within this, I commit myself to Breath as Life for myself and What is Best for ALL as existence, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think within my Secret Mind:

Fuck off, I don't need YOU I will show YOU ,You will see, You will regret it, You will miss me , You will never see me again, You'll never have another woman like me 

and for speaking the words : That's It, I'm tired of this shit, I don't have to take this shit, I don't give a shit, See if I care, I won't look back, You will never see me again, 

as I showed my fake indifference while inside I was full of reactions for my own perception of having been 'rejected or being about or in the vicinity of being rejected, suppressing my reactions so I could look careless and cool while I readied myself to leave, taking my things, packing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and suppress the fear of being rejected and the embarrassment at believing I could be or had been rejected as this would lead me to anger and then Self Pity for having been 'wronged' because how could anyone dare to reject me as I tried to make myself feel superior while I felt inferior, because the one who is rejected is less than the one that rejects and for then turning into a rejector, in fact rejecting everything and everyone before they could reject or think about , rejecting me which would put me again through this emotional sequence, failing to see it was never THEM abusing me but always ME abusing myself in and as the Character of Rejection, a bastard heartless Role that I commit myself to leave behind for good.

When and as I see myself engaging or about to engage in thoughts that I have now laid out as belonging identifying and defining this Rejected Character, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am NOT this Character and I bring myself back Here in and as Breath, not giving in to the obvious power play that this Character offers me as the temptation of the Energy Game, but breathing myself back to Stability, supporting myself with The 4 Count Breath to no longer participate in and as the Character of The Rejected/Rejector

 I commit myself to stop playing the Rejected Character, I am NOT The Rejected Character nor any of the other Character I play that I commit myself to delete One by One until nothing of Me as Illusion and Deception Remains, for myself and what is best for All as Life as existence, Equal and One

Day 32: Men at Work

A friend of mine wrote to me to let me know that he gave my Skype contact to an ex Client we used to work with, who is looking for someone to help them set up business in China.

This is not just any ex Client, this is one of my 'one night stand' raising from the grave where I had buried him thinking there would never be a follow up, a return, a reminder or a con-sequence I would have to face about Him and what happened between us.

My HK friend knew about it, so his message started with "I hope I didn't do something Stupid by giving him my full recommendation that he should have you for the China business', funny because when this ex Client/Lover yesterday sent me a skype invite I wondered if he had raised from the grave by himself or if he had been raised, like Lazarus, to live again in my Mind both as Guilt and as Desire.

Because the sex had been bloody good and quite unforgettable, even though I had been clear both with myself and him that it would be a 'one time only' and it was, the day before he left Hong Kong to return to his wife and 4 children. I never encouraged his follow up calls and in fact there was never any follow up.

The 'One Night' happened after a week of being pursued relentlessly at work and out, he would call me at home, plus he was disarming, he was honest about wanting to spend time with me, REALLY wanting it, I had tried to divert him on my staff as I felt I was in no position to enjoy a fling with a customer due to my position of responsibility, but as the day went by and his focus never swayed on any other woman, I felt the 'value of him wanting ME' exclusively, as if I were ABOVE the other women in the office, and this was simply irresistible.

When it happened I wanted to share it with my male friend (the one who has now given him my Skype contact) and as I approached my speech about wanting to lay the cards on the table, I started to say how this Client had relentlessly pursued me for a week, to give myself a sense of value and explain why I ultimately gave in, then, as I was about to tell him we spent the night together before taking him to the airport, my friend said "I know, he is a maniac, he would fuck a Chair'. I froze, the extension of my loss of worth in this one sentence is indescribable.

It took me another 2 months to come clean, I then had to add the point of his comment as the reason why I could not tell him the first time, being that there were no secrets between us and I did not want to have troubles turn up at work, I wanted my friend in, to share the guilt of my own self judgement of myself.

He sat there looking for words to mend his first comment, to make me 'feel good' about myself, realizing that the loss of worth was a now clear point he wished he had not participated in.

I made myself scarce to any personal phone call or any business deal and always had my staff follow up, yet the feeling of having crossed a line in what I judged was 'the proper behaviour' stayed, but I swept it under the carpet and believed I had let it go.

He looked for me before I read my friend's message, so my first reaction was personal, about ME, about him wanting to get in touch with ME, if I see how much I need a job at the moment, the fact that I had a moment of feeling sorry to learn that he looked for me for work it's simply schizophrenic and idiotic, yet a whole reaction started that went from how could we possibly work together to my anxiety about how much I should ask as a compensation, all the lines were blurred, since I have not cleared that point of judgement the job opportunity seems more like asking for a sex compensation, because of course, my mind went to 'how can we travel together to China and not have sex, who am I joking ?' and so sex became a link to the job, my possibility to walk back into the business world and do what I am good at, just because of one point that I have never faced and is now compromising me, not because of what I will or not do, but what I fear I may or may not do, and for what I judge I have already done, in that moment when I walked away from myself to embrace my unworthiness both as a professional and as a woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'give in' to sex because a man courts me relentlessly and I believe I get worth and value by being pursued as his only object of desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as something 'I give in to' because I can only give in if I am not an Equal to a Man and I accept and allow myself to believe that he wants it more than me because he is a Man and I am a Woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Men and Women do not equally desire sex because I see men as 'different' from women, instead of as Equal in the desires in and of the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to be exclusively desired by a man gives me worth/value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'diverting him' onto my staff was OK, because I lay on top of the food chain and I was therefore unapproachable but my staff who was less worthy, as the money we received at the end of the month proved, could give in if they wanted and it would be 'a lesser sin' than if I did because they were less than me and 'worth' less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own and others' worth on my and their money making capacity and ability as a way to gain value and worth for myself instead of seeing everyone Equal as Life and just playing different parts in the Money game until an Equal Money System will in fact reestablish Equal Worth and Value for everyone beyond any reasonable doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I had sex with a man I wanted to have sex with because I was not willing to face the con-sequence of my own self judgement and loss of worth as a professional player in the business world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as having done something 'wrong' both as a woman and as a professional

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when my friend said 'he would fuck a Chair' because I believe I must be more than a chair and in fact I must be more than any other woman to him/anyone before I allow myself to experience sex in fear of my own self judgement of myself as a 'loose woman'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own desire for a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at men if and when I desire them because I believe I am putting myself into a situation I will for sure regret afterward if I give in, having always been the hardest judge of myself and of my sexuality used as a worth/value seeking experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for having sex with married men, because they are 'taken' meaning owned by other women and since they do not 'belong to me' I should not trespass that line

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my job as a woman to say NO to married men because I have to stand up for all the women in the world in an act of self righteousness which is just self dishonesty, because I seek self righteousness to be more and better than other women who fuck married men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire married men as the uncomplicated alternative to a relationship because I am not willing to put in the time and the effort it takes to work out my hang ups so I can stand up for a relationship of Self Support as Life with another Human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as worthless because of what others say that I take personally and then use to diminish myself into nothingness and unworthiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel agitated when He first contacted me because I went into a future projection of how things will turn out and I was already in the sack without even having given myself a chance to see if this is what is Best for All at the moment, me fucking up my life again, or if what is best for All would be me standing in and as Self responsibility to get back to the business world doing what I am good at so I can get back my place in the system and walk my process of self correction in and as the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I see him again I will have sex with him because I won't be able to put what is best for all in front of my suppressed desire for 'great sex' which was never Real because I have only had mind sex so far and have never been sex as self expression as me in the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when my friend wrote 'but this time please E. get them to pay you right' because I read in this that I have undervalued myself when we worked together and I accepted as I always do to be paid less than a man in my position and then blaming the men around me for earning more when they just 'asked for more' not sharing my same issues of lack of worth in and as a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link my friend comment to me having sex with this client and the sentence 'get paid more' as a point of whorehood of myself because sex was involved in my relationship with this man and now there may be money involved and sex + money equals whore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a whore when sex did not happen in my life within the parameters of what I have set for myself as wrong or right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hinder my sexual expression in fear of my own harsh self judgements that I ended up projecting outside on other women just because I did not want to own them and resolve them in and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worth less because I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want 'to forget' my past miss takes because I can't face my own self judgement of myself and I don't want to for-give myself who and what I believe I have been and done so I can be released into a life that is no longer my own personal scripted Fibonacci spiral of fuck ups but something new that I will have to live in and as Self Directive Principle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety at the thought 'we'll have to talk this time if I want that job' because I fear how he will approach me since sex has happened once between us and it was GREAT and I fear he won't allow me to ever forget it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe he doesn't want me to forget that we had sex and it was great because I hold on to this point as a point of self worth and I AM the ONE not wiling to let it go and start from scratch even though it was now 5 years ago and he has obviously got on with his life while I am sitting here still writing about it in regret and self reproach

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold on to a point of great sex as a measure of my value as a woman as a sex object gaining her value from a sex performance to prove I am in fact worthy because I can give pleasure to a man, instead of seeing I have reduced myself to nothingness through my investment in images and ideas of myself and what a woman is supposed to be and be able to do to have value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself into future projections about my future job, of which I know nothing if not what I can imagine and fuck up with in my head, instead of breathing myself through the point when we will in fact talk and I will hear what he has to say and in that moment I will be able to reply or to ask to have a little time before I can come back with a proposal to his request

When and as I see myself projecting myself into future projections of possible potential outcomes, I stop, Breathe, remind myself future projections have always been a delusions of my mind and then I have made myself unhappy about reality because it wouldn't match what I had conjured up, instead of seeing, I can be Here in breath and address each point of me as self correction as they come up

When and as I see myself fearing or about to move into fear about what will come out of this specific situation, I stop, Breathe, remind myself fear is not Real and I can face anything through my commitment of Walking my Path back to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving into the past as a way to diminish myself as a woman and as a human being, I stop, Breathe, remind myself only the Mind can be diminished and I want to stop the diminishment of myself and All Life One and Equal so that we May All Stand up in Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my fear mongering of myself as the Mind to myself as The Physical because I see this makes me ineffective and this is not What is Best for All or What is Best for Me as Life, I commit myself to walk back into the System and become a Self Honest participant that uses communication and the principle of 'give as you would like to receive' so that the New World we want to see can start with me as Self Correction for myself as Life in Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All