Day 18: Underdogs and Mind Possessions

I was born in a working family, my father left home when I was 3, he said he would go and buy cigarettes and never came back. I have no memories of him leaving us, except the justifications I had to make at the Catholic school where I quite early took a stand for my mum when I perceived they looked down at me, and therefore us, for not having a father. When I was 6 she met another man, a gambler, she believed she was worth led because she came with a daughter and so asked him to only contribute to the household for the food costs, she told herself that it was because she did not want him to interfere with my education but I can dissect her patterns being mine as well and these were the real reasons, 

first, she feared of asking too much, like Equality in the relationships, where both partners share an Equal financial burden because her value was diminished by having been 'the woman of another man before', the nuns told me that love (meaning sex) is like a lemon and every time you squeeze it there is less and less juice to give. This is actually an underlying belief in our culture, I have heard many men, even friends, say, "I don't like second hand goods:, so my mum was a second hand woman in her own eyes and worth less than a first hand.

Second, she wanted to feel fair and just, by taking the burden of me on herself since I was a burden and the result of a mistake in judgement, and not inflict this on others who were innocent of the crime of poor judgement and inability to keep a man.

Third, he was handsome, intelligent and educated, someone she wanted to keep and so she would twist and turn to keep this one and not have him leave like the first one.

Fourth, having a man again contributed to her sense of worth, as a woman with a man is worth more than a woman without a man, as the one without a man must have something wrong with her or she would have a man, pretty faultless cultural logic.

When L. joined my family we lived in a government housing, that was vacated when my grandmother moved upper class, in a new apartment that she bought with her second husband.

The apartment was small, overlooking the church, I had my own room and my mum slept in the dining room where there was a sleeping couch that would come down at nighttime.

We overlooked the church football field, another trick of the church to get the kids to actually attend indoctrination, tit for tat, you'll learn about Jesus and the Wrath of God and we let you play football.

Within the government housing we were the most well off family, plus my mum could play the piano, which had been part of the enforced education of my grandmother who was born poor but ambitious and wished to give to my mother the education of the rich people, because it's the education that gave women who were not born rich, more chances to get the good party everyone is after, so on with the elitist required education of piano playing. As a result of the enforcement my mum played but did not enjoy it until later in life, when we lived in this apartment I remember her playing the piano many times on Sundays or when I was taking a bath, I enjoyed that, not the music particularly, but the piano playing as a sign of wealth, or the perceived wealth in a housing estate where every evening people would be heard screaming and threatening each other at dinner time. Music in my home was a sign of education and superiority.

From there we moved to another government housing estate closed by, when we arrived there, with the piano, we became the stars of the estate, 4 of the 8 boys in the courtyard would be flirting with me at all times, each in their own disturbed way, to get my attentions, as I was the new comer and all the excitement of the ones that had lived there for long had already evaporated.

The most common ways that showed a boy had an interest in you went from calling you names and making fun of you in front of others (this was a dead giveaway) to threatening you physically. One of the boys in the courtyard would hit me at any chance he had, my mum never intervened as she believed everyone has to learn to fence for themselves in this life, she stepped in only when he once hit me in the face. I remember walking to his mum's home with my mum, and my mum showed his mum my face as the line she was drawing, to which she replied 'you know, he does this because he REALLY likes her', my mum said she did not care and the next time he would touch me in any way she would report him to the police.

AT 12 my breast started to grow, they nicknamed me 'Dairy Farm', I felt very offended by these comments and tried to hide my growing breast in any possible way, until it stopped growing, I stopped at a B cup I guess out of the fear of what I would have to hear if I grew breasts beyond the C cup. My best girlfriend in the courtyard had an E cup on a much smaller frame than mine, she ended up walking curved trying to not show her breasts, which was impossible, the jokes about her cannot be repeated, she lived as the shame of breast most of her life and ended up with back problems considering a breast reduction she never got around to, due to the cost of the elective surgery.

Puberty was just hell.

When I had my period the first time, my mother called my relatives to inform them, it was an event (?), I was the only daughter and granddaughter and it seemed this was an information that marked something, a right of passage, from a child to a Miss, I could not yet understand what was supposed to change for me within this point if not my now ability to procreate, which put the fear of God in me as I was told I now had  to be 'more careful' but not HOW I was supposed to be more careful in detail.

I remember a pair of white doll shoes from my first communion that I wore for a few years after, unil they fit, my pictures of that time showed me not being comfortable with myself or my body, I grew very tall very fast in a country of short people and I disliked being taller than boys as all the pictures of perfect couples or famous lovers showed the man was taller and bigger, instead I wore a size 9 of shoes and my hands and fingers were longer than most of  the men I compared them with. I did not like to be big, I would have liked to be small and petite in frame to not be standing out as I was by the age of 13, my mum often told me the fairy tale of the ugly duckling that was in truth a Swan, I waited to become that Swan and to feel like that Swan, I waited for my self worth to kick in based on images and expectations of how I shoud turn out being born out of 2 tall good looking people. The Swan feeling never came true.

In the second apartment where we had moved, there was an extra room, we exchanged with an old couple that no longer wished to walk up the 4 flights of stairs and got our smaller apartment on the first floor, we were further away from the Church, we could still hear the bells but they were no long the oppressive time marking presence in our face they were in our first apartment.

The area were we lived was poor, I lived a schizofrenic life in more than one way within this rough neighborhood, day time I went to the nuns private school, they taught us about being good and nice to our parents and all the good crap, when I got out of school I faced the rough neighborhood in which I feared to even go out of the courtyard, which was a cement square with a green patch at the centre, few trees and the altar to mother Mary with little lights that would be turned on in the evening.

We were not allowed to step on the grass, we could sit on the cement border of the grassy square within a square but not walk on it or touch the trees (2) or the altar of Mother Mary.

All the apartments had a balcony that looked into the courtyard, so at any given time, some of our parents would be there looking down at us and what we were doing.

Outside of this courtyard there was the real world, not the nuns or my mother's Pollyanna imaginary place, but the world of survivors, my mum had her bike stolen over 20 times, she would just go and buy another used one at the market where they sold the stolen bikes, she did not even get too angry about it, except maybe a couple of times on 20 bikes, she saw the Inequality of this world and counted stealing as what some just have to do to live and some, on the luckier end of the Spectrum, just had to endure, it could be worse, we could be the one having to steal to survive.

My mum did not like to live, she found the world a place of too much suffering, she did not have the comfort of religion because as a separated woman living in sin with another man, it had been made clear to her that she was not in the position to take the Holy Communion and she stopped going to Church. She did not push me to go too much either, even though parents in Italy had given to the Church the authority to teach  Good from Evil and hoped the church would carry more credibility than they did themselves and be more succesful in this endevour. My mum thought she could teach me good and evil herself and pretty much reduced it to Jesus's teaching to "not do to another what you don't want done to you". This was on the good days of the teachings, on the days she was Possessed and came up with paranoid stories about what I had done wrong or intended to do while pretending to do something else, all fabrications of her own mind that upset her greatly, Jesus was overlooked in favour of her need to offload all the frustrations of her life. This is why as well possibly she hated me so much when I said I no longer wanted to live with her, as that moment marked the manifested consequences of our relationships of violence and abuse, and once we are faced with consequences we are no longer able to overlook how we have participated in a relationship, I know because this is how I felt when my husband no longer wanted me back, manifested consequences just suck yet they are the only way, it seems, we can come to terms with our participation in and as this system of abuse and stop.

I feared my neighbourhood extensively, people were getting shot regularly, beaten to the point of having to go to the hospital, domestic violence toward children and spouses was the order of the day and we did not have the priviledge to live in a community like my grandmother's, with glass gates and a lift that took each one in their own apartments were abuses happened secretly, no, our lives were the lives of a courtyard, everyone knew everything of everyone else, so The Family Abuses went with the shame of knowing that everyone knew, that things could not be kept hidden, when there were fights in my home, my mum used to say "Ush, or people will think we don't get along.." this used to turn into a comical moment for me, a moment in which I would laugh wholeheartedly and increase the beatings as my mum felt mocked and it was NOT the right moment, but to me it just seemed too funny to pass, meaning there had been screaming and crying and shouting but it was only when she was coming out of a moment of possession that she would think and worry about 'what others would think', because did it matter others thought we were not getting along ? Didn't it matter that we were in fact NOT getting along ? Does the thinking of others about our lives make it more real, the knowing of others of what we do not want them to know, does it make things more real, do we fear exposure to others or to ourselves, in fear that if others know, the games are up, there is nothing that can be hidden anymore, we are fucked into having to face reality for what it is and has become, a mess we need to stop and self correct because it is what We think that is killing us, what others think is killing them, so each one of us has to do the stopping of their own participation in and as the Mind of Thoughts , Emotions and Feelings and Energy games to rewrite ourselves and the World One and Equal into What is Best for All.

Will continue on my neighbourhood tomorrow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for not having a father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than others who had a father because having a father was a requirement for being worthy and I believed I was not worthy or my father would not have left me/us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless because my father left us/me, instead of seeing I felt worthless in separation from myself Here in Breath, as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a burden because my mum told me I was an unexpected pregnancy and that when she believed she was pregnant again she vowed her diamond to the Virgin Mary asking to be graced and NOT have another child, as I was more  than enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad thinking "I was not wanted by my mum and I am worth less than all the other wanted children in the world"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worth less than the 'wanted children of the world' and for wishing to have ben wanted as a way to perceive a worth I believed I did not have, having separated myself from Breath Here and myself as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of where I grew up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than the people in our Government Housing and for priding myself that my mum could play the piano as a way to define myself as more than the others living in the same place who did not have mothers who could play the piano

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women with children are worth less than women  without children when looking for a relationship, because they are second hand women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there can be second hand women or second hand citizens instead of seeing All as Life One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sex/relationships is like a lemon that the more is squeezed the less is left of love to give because within this belief I associated love and sex and I associated women who had multiple men with desert zone that had been squeezed out of any juice and had nothing left to give

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman with a man is worth more than a woman without a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a separated/divorced woman is worth less than a woman who has not separated or divorced because the one that did not, shows she was able to 'keep a man'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "keeping a man: is a sign of worth and that women who kept a man are more worthy than women who did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to live somewhere else that was more 'respectable' because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that respect is something that comes from my living situation meaning that the ones that have poor living conditions do not deserve the same respect as the one living in rich conditions and within this I failed to see there is only Self respect and the rest is a delusion of and as separation from me Here in Self Honesty as Self Respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was receiving a superior education, in terms of cost of my private schooling, I was worth more than the kids who did not receive a private education

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more worthy than the kids of my courtyard because I feared having to face the same poverty and the same choices they made in order to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the friends from my private schooling to my home and showing them the neighbourhood in which I lived

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for not providing better living conditions for us even though I could see she worked like a dog and did everything possible to make our home nice and comfortable and that the problem lied within this system of Inequality I had accepted and allowed as' the way things are'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for projecting my Anger onto my mum for our living conditions, which I saw as unfit for us, instead of seeing those living conditions were  unfit for everyone and it was not about desiring to make something out of myself to escape the misery I had walked on the side, but to stand up for a World that is Best for All so that noone should have to live and experience themselves in such conditions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as the Shame of my Relationship with my mum that did not match the stories of happy families the nuns were telling us, even though I could see that noone was having those imaginary happy families lives and so I should have seen the lie of this whole system of abuse instead of trying to replicate imaginary standards of relationships later in life to prove to myself my worth and that I could infact fit into the ideal human being image of myself I was told I should shoot for, the perfect consumer within a world where only what you own and have access to through Money, defines you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others people thought and how they judged me when my mother would scream at me, because I believed they would think I was worthless or my mother would not be shouting and screaming but she would be quietly loving and accepting me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a secret life of dis-order to hide what was going on inside of me because it seemed I was the only one (apart from my mum) unable to cope and for desiring to take others down with me by making nasty comments about them in my secret mind or to others to prove that they too had a shitty life they were hiding and noone was in fact better than me, to stop myself from feeling worse than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as family dramas believing those dramas to be me and who I really am and for accepting and allowing myself to carry the Memories on in time as a justification of my limitations and why I turned out the way I did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mum for what went on inside of me instead of standing up and taking self responsibility to change myself and stopping myself from existing as a Mind Consciousness System instead of existing as Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because of my desires to be more, that I compared to my mother's quiet acceptance of her condition, because I saw myself as ambitious and saw my mother as generous in her acceptance of her placement within the world systems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that wanting a better living condition is bad because I should have accepted my system placement instead I see wanting better living condition is what everyone should want and stand up for, for everyone One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ditch some of my boyfriends because they coud not guarantee to me that they shared my same drive to get out of misery because like my mum they had accepted their world placement and were just trying to make it work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to look out for myself because I accepted and allowed what I learnt in my neighbourhhood, that you cannot trust anyone and unless you take your education where it's worth something you'll end up the underdog of the underdogs due to your education that they see as a threath to their living conditions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear educated people as a threath to my living ability because if they knew more than me in a world where you either have money or education, then my survival was not assured

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some deserve an education because they are bright and some do not, instead of seeing that it is our environment that shapes our ability to learn and that we need an environment of support for everyone so our learning ability will no longer be impaired by our living conditions or our fear of survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust anyone because I did not trust myself that I could stand up and do the right thing as What is Best for All, having become aware that everything I do is always motivated by self interest and my fear of survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that relationships between men and women are based either on mocking or shoving each other around with words or through violence  because this was the model I grew up with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the nickname 'Dairy farm' as if I had done something 'wrong' by growing breast as that meant entering The Sexual Arena with men and being expected to start a further separation to prevent accidents like undesired pregnancies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'periods' are something to celebrate as our ability to give birth to some one else that ends trapped into this system of abuse, because we have accepted and allowed ourselves to see the value of pro-creation without investigating who and what are we pro-creating for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pregnancy and pregnant women as they were the statement that sex happened and they fucked up and I had a physical revulsion for them until I was in my late 30s

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear children because I have never believed in their innocence due to my recalling my childhood and my own manipulations and deceptions to get what I wanted so I feared manifesting for children the same disgust I felt for myself as a child for having given in to the required behavious and programmed reactions instead of living in and as Breath Here in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my childhood and myself as a child not giving myself the benefit of the doubt that I may infact be preprogrammed to behave and think in a certain way and that I could correct myself if I could find the tools to do so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself as a child because of the hatred that I felt for myself for my own betrayal of Self as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embrace myself unconditionaly as a child and for blaming my mum for not doing for me what I was not willing to do for myself, I now walk to embrace myself unconditionally as a child and as an adult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mum was less worthy than other mums who only had one husband, just because she believed it and I took on her beliefs about herself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was a whore because my mum called me so instead of seeing she believed this about herself and projected it on me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suffer because my mum was not well and I struggled with all the stuff that was going on in our home, until I hated myself for what I put up with in terms of my participation in the patterns of suffering and self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mum who hoped and tried to keep our troubles secret when I also always wanted to keep my troubles and the truth about myself secret so I would not have to fear the judgement of others, which was always only my own judgement of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement and for judging myself and others one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to fit into a model of beauty and acceptability that I believed and married into about how I was supposed to look, what size of breasts I should have and when, and that my period had to be celebrated, even though all these were nothing but signs and symptoms of an enslavement I was giving into willingly, in fear of not fitting in and not being able to be accepted and liked and be able to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the underdogs movies, because this is how I saw my life and I rooted for the ones who made it out of the shithole we are born into, instead of seeing that common sense would be that noone should be born into a shithole or have to endure a life of fear just so we may one day switch from underdogss to wealth, leaving all the underdogs behind because we accept and believe this is a dog eat dog world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this is a dog eat dog world and that I must get on with getting how the underdogs move up into the world because in this I have accepted that I have to do anything and everything to get myself out and make myself fine and leave everyone behind, the ascension principle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone has the life they deserve when I finally made it out of the underdog world, as a way to justify why I now had what half of the world had no access to and why I had come to accept the world as it is, simply because it worked for me

When and as I see myself enjoying or moving into satisfaction about an underdog who made it out of the shithole, I stop, Breathe, remind mysef that when I allow myself to feel good about one who makes it while billions don't, I am supporting this system of abuse, instead I now use the underdogs stories to flag myself points to which I have not yet equalized myself as I see the fear of living the underdog life that makes me desire to get out of it at any cost

When and as I see myself fearing or about to move into fear regarding going back to the Underdog world, I stop, Breathe, remind myself there are no Underdogs but a world of Equals in the making and that I am applying myself to self correct all the judgements that keep me separated from this reality as me, so I may become Equal to this reality and when I correct myself this reality shifts into correction One and Equal to me

I commit myself to stop dividing the world in underdogs and wealthy, losers and winners and stop my participation in the comparison system that decides who is who according to a Money/Value system that I wish to change into What is Best for All, to return to everyone Equally their right to Life and to guarantee that noone is left behind within the New world we are building through and as the Change of Ourselves as the World, Equal and One.