Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Day 464: Understanding Self Responsibility as the Power of Self Creation

It's been a long time since my last blog.
I have not gone away or given up or decided I am no longer walking a process of change with Desteni, not at all.

I have been walking some tough points - for me- in my physical life that had to do with my mum, with how to get back in control of my life without her so I could take care of myself, my mind and the things that were too hard to juggle with er in the way as I walked my process.

Basically I had to make a choice, keep my mother in my life, allow her to abuse me so she could feel better about herself or let go, understand that I could not change her life no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many parts of me I was willing to give up to please her, no matter how much I wished that we could heal together - it just did not happen.

The choice became process or relationship with my mother.
I chose process, aka, I chose myself.

This is not to say it is the right choice for everyone, it was the right choice for me.

If you have to spend all of your mental time dealing with someone who is mentally ill and lives to damage you, to put you down, to find reasons why slapping you in the face when you are over 50 is fine or someone that actually enjoys trying to make you dependent on her in every possible way, that struggles with you working toward your sanity because she has given up on hers, you will eventually come to a point where the choice is literally you - or her.

There are many taboos about going No Contact with your parents, I was born in Italy where religion intertwines with family, where the mother is a Virgin Saint that can make no mistakes because she does everything 'for your best interest' and she has what is best for you at heart.

If your mother/father is mentally ill, you will find that this is not actually true.
They live to harm you, not because they are evil, they are just sick.
They live in a Hell of their own creation and will not let you live in peace until you join them - trust me, I tried anything but she was way more creative than me to find new ways to torture me, I always did something wrong, wrong sentence, wrong memory, wrong tone, wrong look, wrong way to look at her or not look at her.

I lived for her approval that never came, I lived to see her healthy, peaceful, happy, so she could validate my existence -apparently- but I had to accept that this was not my responsibility, even when I put on 40 kilos of stress, left my money to her to manage so she would not be fearful of my alleged 'financial mistakes' to come, accepted that I should call her every x days (I always got the x wrong - too early, too late, wrong time), the unconditional love I longed for never came.

My mother is an undiagnosed malignant narcissist, please understand that every single one of us has personality disorders (hence why we are working to release our personalities altogether - ALL of them without exceptions are born of traumas and the inability to find a reason why the world is what it is and why the fuck we are even here in the first place, so we can safely say, every single one of our personality is SICK, evil, prone to damage others, dishonest and blameful).

I am writing another blog just about that, about mental health and why it is so important that we don't discount what is going on behind the scenes in apparently perfect families, where actually abuse is going on that can damage our children (because ALL the children of the world are Our Children - remember 'It Takes a Village') to a point were violence, lashing out at others, repeating the same mistakes, the same patterns imprinted in us by our sick ignorant parents are manifesting the world as it is and I will post the link of my other blog here.

But this will be a different blog, for those that are ready to go further into their Minds, for those that have walked enough process to understand that we need tools to change ourselves, that we need support to walk the least walked path of all, the path of Self Change, in this blog I will show HOW I came to realize what Self Responsibility is and how I overcame the fear of it, a deep rooted fear that self responsibility equaled Self Blame and why I had a deep misdirection about that specific word, that specific action that is required of me to enable myself to change for real.

When I started my process, thanks to Desteni and Bernard Poolman whom did not have an inch of refrain in calling us as humanity EVIL, I joined because I could feel the EVIL in me, I could see that what he said was true, I could see that I/we needed to change our ways and I processed this information in my own way, at my understanding of what Self Responsability meant at the time = Self Blame.

For years I had been really angry at my mother, when I finally had a chance to leave Italy I jumped on it and became a little healthier because I moved in a country where I could not smoke Pot, which had been my crouch for many years (over 13 by then).
The problem with that was that I had used pot to keep suppressed all the bad things that were going around in my head, I was not suicidal or homicidal but I was heavily depressed, completely detached from myself and anyone around me, dissociated from my own feelings and emotions as if they were there just by chance, as if I had not actually built all that shit up by myself because yes, my family life sucked, my mother was crazy and evil BUT I was the one accepting and allowing that shit to affect me, to define me, I was the one indulging in evil words about me, feeling unworthy because I could not get my mother's love no matter what I did, I was the one getting lost in predictions about the ominous future ahead of me because I was apparently a total fuck up - and so, as a fuck up, I did not mind to fuck up my life, I made my mothers words into my life story not because I was lazy to rewrite it - not because I did not want to rewrite it, just because I did not know how to, plus many of my maladaptive personalities found benefits, solace, relief in making my mum responsible for the ills in my life.

So, when I joined Desteni I spent years turning the wheel around ''taking self responsibility aka blame' for every shit I did, thought, said and yet I could not change myself as much as I hoped to, wanted to.

What I DID NOT understand at the time, no matter how clearly it was laid out in the Desteni material, was that I had just changed the target of my Blame, from my mother to me, this increased my stress because fuck, what a piece of shit I was, if I started as a fuck up, I ended up as a super fuck up as my self blame crushed me to a point of wanting to get away from everything and everyone, were everything that was said would always turn for me into self blame.

Last week as I chatted with my buddy, the conversation for me clearly outlined were the problem was, I had misdirected myself from self responsibility into self blame - big time - basically because in my mind the question 'what is self responsibility?' only existed as the polarity of blaming others to blaming myself.

This is how the conversation went

'Ele, you are still blaming your mother - where is your self Responsibility?'

first, I thought I did not - but my buddy is resilient, she said 'yes you are - this is a god ranting and raving for you to see where you are NOT YET taking self responsibility'

If you look at this sentence you can hopefully see how these 2 options only existed in opposition to each other inside of me, you are making your mother responsible for you (Blaming her)
where is your self responsibility (I don't see you blaming yourself)

so I did try to correct my writing into Self Blame haha until I asked the simplest of question

What is Self responsibility - Really?

she said

'Self responsibility is being aware of the point of CREATION of You by You in a specific timeline, the point where YOU created YOU to be who/what you are today.
That point you have to OWN IT, OWN that point of Creation, SEE that as a maladaptive response you created as a coping mechanism to something, at one point in time, You made a decision to be, become something that no longer works for you OR others OR the world, You Did That. 
No One Else.
If you can find your Point of Creation and OWN it - you can CHANGE IT'

(she didn't say this in so many words but I got this so thanks from the bottom of my heart Cerise for walking with me patiently while I banged my head on walls with a bread bag on my head until I got this, grateful from the bottom of my heart!)

Why am I writing this to explain my self realization of the moment?
because I see that many of us are still stuck in this dilemma, self blame vs self responsibility, we become skilled at not showing how we are still playing that game but really we are - this is why if we bring up anything that can support our change that is OUTSIDE what we understand process to be, self flagellation in some form, someone will always say 'where is your self responsibility'' and in that my friend, what we mean is 'I don't see you blaming yourself in self flagellation, this is what we have to do, show the world what pieces of shit we are, so the world can change so I am not changing my diet, doing yoga or whatever could work for me - because that would make me not self responsible aka I would not be suffering enough, it would be too much of an easy way out - I have to pay for my sins til redemption..'

Sadly, that KIND of redemption, never comes and if it doesn't come for ME, for YOU, for US, the world won't have it either.

We'll be locked in Hell together, some blaming others, some blaming ourselves, never becoming the Creators we could have been, never developing the required benevolence that has to start with me because it can't start anywhere else, where I walk myself gently out of my Abusive Mind Patterns and free Me so as a Free person I can support others to support themselves to become Benevolent, compassionate, helpful and not harmful - as I heal me, the world Heals with & as me

So, as part of my assignment, I am going to apply my new understanding of Self Responsibility using self forgiveness as the tool where I forgive myself what I have become in this world, it doesn't matter why or what evil situation prompted/inspired/suggested me to create maladaptive responses, it Matters that I own my choices, my conclusions, my beliefs to the point where I created them, where I created ME, NOT in self blame but in understanding of what this process is, a Process of Creation with self forgiveness as the tool that will delete the maladaptive, misguided, evil response that I have automated - so I can change them.

Self forgiveness is not just a tap we open to  let the shit out, noooo, that's not good enough, helpful but not good enough, it's an exercise in Creation, it's us rewriting the History/Herstory/Mystory that binds me/us into a Story that frees me/us.

Here I will use my mum as an example of my new understanding of the Process of Self Creation - aka Self response-Ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was the Creator of me because she used to say "I made you - I can Unmake You" and she meant she would beat me til there was no more 'me', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was sick and used fear to bend me and crush me to her will and desires and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and conclude 'I am not the creator of me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my mother was the creator of me, she was responsible for how I came out, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was the sum of my decisions, conclusions,  beliefs and acceptances that created me as I am today and therefore I can Uncreate what I Miscreated that is not working for me or for everyone else and the world - as a mirror of myself - and Create what I see would be best for me and contribute best to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask for support earlier about my misalignment of the word 'self responsibility', believing that redefining the word as 'the ability to respond' would sort the polarity that the word expressed for me, as me,  and for dwelling on the time 'I have lost' trying to work this out and all the years I lost/wasted of self forgiveness that I used as a tap to relief myself, as a switch I applied as the Mind from blame to self blame, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I walked my process at the best of my abilities and that now that I have really comprehended what is required of me, what is available to me, I can change direction and work in a different way to find the points of Creation of everything I see is misaligned in me - so I can change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my process as 'a waste of time' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I perfectly built this process for myself, to show myself that I had a huge misalignment in me, as the word Self Responsibility, a misalignment that finally made me see, realize and understand how and why Bernard was so focused on us redefining the words we live, because if we don't, if we don't clear the words we live as us from their polarity, we may end up where I ended, applying the wrong path as the meaning of the word that was supposed to lay a clear path in front of me for me to walk and so within this, I forgive myself the ability to see more clearly when and how I am entering a polarized word, so I can redefine it - and if not able, ask help to redefine it so I can lay out clear paths for me to walk my process of Self Correction/Self Creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility of becoming a Creator because I always judged myself as a fuck up and to fear that I was not up to the task of gifting myself the responsibility for this Creation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am starting as a Baby Creator, starting with Me and I am not asked to fix the world out there but just that I fix Me, forgive to me everything I believed I was not able to do, I was limited to tackle while I eradicate in me the Evil that reverberates into the world, regardless of how it got there, when it got there or who created the circumstances for it to be there - so the world as my mirror can change with and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was a Creator bigger than me, with more power and hence more responsibility for this Creation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding  that we are all Equally responsible as in Equally Capable to do better than what was done, to amend the stories that are running the show, our own stories, to put an end to the abuses, to the self abuses, so we can move on and create something different than what is here that is not working in an inclusive, compassionate and just way - for every living being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a pattern of 'a need for validation' as a response to my mother gaslighting, hoping, wishing someone would step in and say 'yes, that was abusive, yes, she said/did that, yes, you are not imagining things' and within this for invalidating myself thinking what I felt, saw, heard had to be double confirmed, for believing that I was not good enough to trust myself to see abuse for what it is, when I was receiving it or when inevitably, I did it to others, just like my mother - and within this I forgive myself for the abusive personalities I created that harmed myself and others - equally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to validate what I went through and even though I see the benefits for a child to be validated to see that not 'everything is in their mind and they are not necessarily making things up just because their parents say so' - validation became a point that delayed my process of self correction because validation had to come from the outside, I had to look for people who were aware of the kind of patterns I lived with in my relationship with my mother and so- validation became a 2 edged sword, I had to wait til someone said 'yes, you experienced this, yes it's true, yes there are Holy Mothers who do this to their children' - and yet I could have skipped this step if I had understood that I could jump straight to self responsibility as THAT POINT where I created me as automated maladaptive patterns and responses to my environment and correct myself so I would no longer 'feel the need' to blame my mother, myself  or anyone else for what/who I had become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed me to see, realize and understand, that I was offered tools by Desteni to shortcut the long road back to sanity, instead I lived the polarity of my own words, I had to live the misalignment until I got it, until I can say, hei fuck, I got this now, I couldn't get the full advantage of the shortcut Bernard worked so hard to lay out for me and us all, but I got there, now I can see, I am no longer blinded by the polarity of my own mind and words and within this I forgive myself for trying to measure in time the process I have walked as I see realize and understand that time is not an issue, walking the wrong way - not an issue, it's just important that each one of us walks out of their own minds applying any and every tool available - at their own pace, making their own mistakes, for which I am grateful as they may help someone else in the same situation to unravel some of the difficulties they may have encountered in their Process of Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe tat the EVIL Bernard talked about, was just what we do to others and to the world, discounting what we do to ourselves, how we sentence ourselves to live a life that is less than everything we could be or do just because we don't know how, or are not willing or fear to look at HOW WE CREATED ourselves as self abuse, reflecting the abusive ways we deal with ourselves onto others and then onto the world, as we leak out the invisible reality of who and what we have become while the world, kindly, supportively, shows us what is going on, asks us that we stop, because no one can grant us the forgiveness that we are hoping to receive from the outside, from our mothers, fathers -here or in Heaven- because that would mean we are not up to speed with Creation, we cant be trusted to be self responsible/empowered enough to Create benevolently - if we can't even start with ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to tackle process from the outside in - instead than delving from the inside out, because somewhere, somewhen I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was irrelevant as I spent my life listening to my mother's problems/feelings/emotions/desires/needs, leaving little to no space for me, to understand my needs, my emotions, my feelings so I could correct what was not serving me and others equally, for-giving to me everything I need, releasing what were never my desires but system implanted needs on an imaginary way to happiness that only fueled the consumption of this world, of other living beings and of myself, consumed by trying to get from the outside world what I believed I was not able to give myself and did not give myself through self for-giveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if it was my duty to cater to my mother's needs, desires and the regulation of her internal reality and emotional life until I made myself co-dependent and I made it other people's duty to cater to my needs and the regulation of my internal reality and emotional life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was sick and she misdirected her responsibility for her life on me and I became sick, misdirecting the response-ability of my life on others and that I could not learn to find the points of creations of me in me from someone who was not able to do this for herself and within this, I release my mum from the responsibility of me because I have learnt to give myself what I need, because I am walking a path of forgiveness that is available to all of us so we can become whole again and then create a world that is inclusive of all its parts as we become inclusive of all our parts that we embrace and to which we for-give what they did not have/thought they did not have/believed they did not have, that birthed them out of lack, into lack, creating a world of lack where there is not enough for everyone, even tough there is plenty for all of us and it will become available as we start for-giving the lack in and as ourselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create coping mechanisms to survive my family abuse that turned into abusive personalities, I forgive myself that I didn't give myself the time to see where, how and when I created me as self abuse so I could correct myself, move on, free myself and my position within the world in and as it, so we can create the new, the neverbeenherebefore, the world we wish to see that reflects our wholeness, our self respect and the dignity that we can only grant to all living beings - after we grant it to ourselves trough the gift of Self For-Giveness

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Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Day 463: The Alchemy of Change

I want to write about this experience I have had for a few years now, which has to do with the experience I go through when I discover 'something new' about the world - which is usually bad/sad/horrible - and I end up feeling crushed by it.

This experience has been with me for almost 6 years now and I have only recently realized that I have an attachment to feeling bad, mainly because I worked hard to only 'feel good' for almost 10 years of my life, when I joined the 'Think Positive' Movement in all its fringes and prophets, it's like I have to now 'pay this price', like if Getting Real should be about really Feeling Bad about the State of Things, The State of the World, the State of Myself when I look at how many programs I still run on that are not best for myself or All Life.

Some days I feel so bad that I get nauseous and then it seems like I can't identify in that moment what the cause is for that ill-being, when in fact it's just a long standing accumulation of disappointments, like I had appointed myself to see the world in a certain way until I woke up and the crash was so big that I didn't really know how to handle it or basically, how to change my rosy theresareasonforeverything world view to WTF!

So I can see that there was a sort of fall from Grace that I haven't really addresses specifically enough to grant myself permission to go on and live, because there's no choice really, here I am and I can drag my feet through this Life as a demented Shocked Zombie or stand up, dust off the disappointment, the shock, the sadness, the guilt and shame and keep walking a path of personal correction as my contribution to the Change that I want for myself and the rest of Existence.

So I am going to walk backward to the first point of shock that I haven't released, realized - to let go of all the energy I have accumulated on top of it afterward and consequentially all the moments that I saw I could break through but did not because 'it was just all too much'.

So, the first point of shock was when I discovered that there were Cancer cures available in this world and people didn't know about them.
I remember a feeling of devastation as I spent time with healers that told me things about people with cancers that were gone through fasting or through other alternative cheap modalities that were derided in the mainstream medical establishment.

I guess this first fall from Grace was because I had not yet come to understand the economics engines of this world and what they were geared for, take the medical establishment which was obviously engineered to create patients and not recovered ex-patients and how far they would go to ensure their supply of sick people would never end.
This seemed particularly EVIL to me because I had attached to the Medical Profession - guys with White Coats who spent years getting an Education to Save Lives - a positive connotation, so here I can see how the pattern plays out of having extreme difficulties in switching gear and accept that what I thought and believed to be Good - was in fact not so.

As well I can see a tendency of me as The Mind to just want to have clear labels to live by, like in Disney Cartoons, where the Bad Guys are clearly Bad and the Good ones clearly good and not feel  forced to live into these grey dimensions of 'sometimes they are good, sometimes not - some of them are good - but not all of them'.

From there it was a slippery slope down, to the point that one day I sat on my computer and googled this question 'who knows we are in Hell?'
That would be about when I met Desteni and The Portal.

At the time I bombarded myself with tons of other information about the world and the nature of the world as a reflection of ourselves, I didn't have the same experience as some others walking my same Path of Correction, I felt bad almost throughout All of the Videos I watched, I could never see the silver lining in any of the information shared, not because there wasn't, just because it wasn't The Silver Lining I Wanted.

I wanted a solution for sure, I just didn't want THAT Solution, I didn't want all the responsibility On Me, come on, being responsible in every moment of Breath for my thoughts, words and deeds? Seemed fucking delirious at the time - I could barely NOT Act on my Thoughts at that stage, which in my opinion made me better that those that did, I was one step ahead of the Game, I was good because I could have a really nasty thought and not act on it, not speak it, suppress it with pot, sex, food, anything would be better than Act on it - good enough for me.

Unfortunately what I came to understand was that, aware or not, everything I had created, participated in, accepted and allowed for myself and others in this world, had become ME, maybe this was really the most shocking thing of them all.

So, basically, I joined this Process of Correction out of Guilt and Shame and walked it anyway, carrying/dragging myself through these negative emotions and suppression, so today, I am not here to judge myself or to say I was not honest with my process because I see that I did a hell of a job carrying/dragging myself through it despite all of these negative emotions, which were not my motivators because the motivation was my understanding that Yes, I have done that, been that, I can see in me everything that is Not working in the world, I can see how my existence either becomes a testimony for a new way of Living and a New World for All or I will be part of the Problem.
And So I walked this process regardless of how I felt about it, about me, about the world.

It took me several years to really start having a glimpse of what Process is, first because this word is quite charged for me and I never took the time to clear it
Process - like  trial in Italian - Processo
Process as processed things - like Food - not good

instead of Process as something in the Process of being turned inside out, to give birth to something new, a real Alchemy of Matter, an Alchemy of moving what really Matters into a Living Expression, processing one self from serfdom and automation to a Living and Breathing Being - forgifting myself everything that I was not given, born with, engineered for.

So, time to transform Process as Penance, to a Living Expression of Myself as a decision I make, not because I am unworthy to live the way I am but because there's so much more to me that I can express in this Life, if I dare to take the steps to address what I don't like/approve of me into what I decide I want to be beyond my current, perceived, limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I fell from Grace when I faced this world for the first time, real-eyesing what we were dealing with, inside and out of ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into Fear when it came to me having to For-give myself, instead of leaving the task to an unknown invisible entity like the Universe or a Supreme Being, because I wasn't sure I would be up to the task to give to myself as I would have liked to receive, not seeing realizing and understanding that no one else can for-give to me what I can see I can become as my utmost potential - but myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride myself about the belief I held that things were quite simple 'either black or white' accepting only the 'greys' I had already fathomed in the blackandwhite equation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that Life is not about opening up to the limited 'greys' we have already equated but it's about expanding beyond black/white and grays to include everything that exists, from the small to the big until I can stand equal to all of existence without shame or guilt for what we have collectively created and conveniently disowned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that no one can possibly be responsible for themselves in every moment of breath, simply because I reaped the benefits of my automated irresponsible existence til then and I didn't want to have to make the effort of being aware of myself at all times and about how I was creating my thoughts, words and deeds while I blamed the Creator that created us, instead of seeing that this process was a chance for me to make myself better than the Creator of me did - as the Creator of myself - as I accept responsibility for myself and everything that exists - equal and one-  to redesign me into the best possible version of myself and in so doing contribute to the creation of the best possible piece of this world that I can be, changing the world - as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since we were in Hell already, I could only live the rest of my life as a sad, hopeless, crushed existence that has become aware of its hellish condition, instead of fully comprehend that this process was a Gift, was the forgiftness that we were graced with as a way out of what we have been - on the road to our utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this moment of Grace was not 'given to me' as an undeserving being, but it is for me to give to myself, to give myself Worth as Life - to stop the cycles of shame and guilt that lay deep down each one of us for creating such a world that doesn't honour Life - and so ourselves as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of Grief for who I have been, what I thought, said and done to myself and people around me as I accepted my automated life of reactions vs embracing my response ability to Not React but make decisions in every moment, that would be solutions for myself and others, to create a Life of Harmony inside and outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to under-stand the information I gathered about existence and how it all came about, because I accepted and allowed myself to be sucked into an existential fear that everything was too big, too screwed up, too far gone for anyone to be able to address a credible change in any way, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the information we received were meant to empower us to stop this specific design, to realize that whatever has happened is now past and while not gone, we have tools now to address our lives from beginning to end, correcting, realigning and becoming expressions of what the world we would like to live in would be - so I walk this process of moulding myself into what I could have been and what I can still be as I stop giving in to my Mind that wants to decide for me, as me, who I should be in every moment as reaction vs  self expression, deciding the best outcome for all in every moment of choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be put off by the word 'Process' as processed meat, processed food, as Trial,  as pro-cess - aka toward/supporting the toilet lol, instead of seeing Process for what it is, an alchemical process of transformation of Matters, of Matter, of what Matters, from inconsequential to willingly, aware-ly consequential, where my actions, words and thoughts exists in alignment, where I have nothing to hide, regret or be ashamed of because I work to exist as the best possible version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a step back from my process as I felt the information I was receiving, the points we were opening up, the paths we walked to make our changes real - were the problem and the source of how I felt, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that nothing happens inside of me that I have not created and that in taking response-ability for my Creations, I get the access key to change the relationships I have formed with things, people, events and memories in my Life - and that in truth - there's no Power Greater than the one found within Self Responsibility and the Ability Each One of Us can Gift to ourselves - to Change.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Day 462: When in doubt - Apologize

I want to share something I have learned through trial and err to snap myself out of an energetic possession in a moment of conflict with someone.

I will bring up an example of a situation that went on with my mum a few days ago, I told someone I would give them the TV we had at home because I got a new smart TV with my phone contract for a small monthly fee.
This has to do with my 'Generous Character' something I will be taking on next because it's an Automated part of myself that I wish to release so I can live my Giving as a form of Self Expression and not as a Compulsion.

The TV I now have at home belongs to my mum, for some reasons, because it's now in my home, it felt like it was 'mine', so I could give it away if I wanted to, without asking if she minded.

When I told her she became very angry and told me that this was not Mine to Give, so I went through these emotions as a consequence of realizing that this was in fact true

I felt wrong/wronged 
I felt ashamed that I didn't consider the fact that it was not my TV to give away
I felt righteous because 'Giving is always a good thing'
I called my mother 'Selfish' because she already has 2 TVs at home and so 'Not Giving Willingly and Happily' this one - made her Selfish

That's when she almost blew a fuse.

That was the moment as well when I saw I had a choice, I could keep building up bullshit on why I was right (I tried the 'it's in my house so must be mine to give away if I want' - that's about where I drew the line) or I could stop on my track, take a deep breath, look at what I was doing, assess the way ahead to step out of this emotional possession - which I knew very well where it would lead - and in so doing stopping any undesirable consequence for myself and my mum.

I found that Apologizing in the midst of an energetic possession is like a Spell Breaker, because, the whole point of the bullshit build up is because I don't want to Apologize and Be Wrong about something, instead I found that what I resisted the most held a very important key for me to free myself.

Apologizing is like stepping onto a neutral plateau where I no longer feel the need or drive to create more crap to not apologize for something I have done that didn't consider all parts involved, in this case I didn't consider that my mum had a special attachment to this TV because she got it at a bargain price and put it in my grandma's home when that place became her own, I didn't consider that since it was hers, she could have decided to give it away to someone else, or not give it away at all- none of her reasons were for me to judge anyway but just to consider that this is where she stood at the moment with regards to that specific thing.

So sharing this very useful tool

when you see something escalating emotionally with someone, no matter what your good reasons are for taking a specific stand - start with the apology, it works wonders and you will be giving yourself the gift of integrity - as you no longer accept and allow your Mind (as your ideas, beliefs, past experiences, pre-programming) to decide who you are and who you want to be in any moment of your Life.

For further tools and support to create the best version of yourself, for yourself and all Life, One and Equal, check out Desteni here

Monday, April 4, 2016

Day 460: The Manipulative Power of Wounds

Woundology (a term created by Carolyn Miss ) is about using the wounds -- the hurts, the traumas, the unfortunate events, the slings and arrows of life in general --  in order for the wounded person to manipulate others, elicit sympathy or compassion, to gain a measure of power and/or authority, and/or to claim allowance for their disagreeable actions.  It is a specialized form of Scapegoatology, in which the world, Fates, outrageous fortune, and most everyone else are blamed for what the woundee has experienced.  Woundology is about claiming compensation for the woundee’s problems by others acquiescing to their demands and arguments, allowing the woundee to have their way, extending sympathy in most every form, and forgiving the woundee’s failings and faults.  

I have been teaching my mum about process and as I go and I force myself to render 'what process is' in my mothertongue (Italian), new dimension of 'Process' are opening up for myself as well.

At the moment I have been my mum's buddy it was a very cool exercise because I walked with her things that are coming up through the process of using Homeopathy to heal some terrible pains she has at nighttime that she described as 'angry dogs tearing away at my flesh' - and I want to underline that my mum, like myself , or viceversa - lol-, is a big suppressor of emotions because we believe somewhere that is 'unbecoming' to bring up negative stuff and play the victim. Not that we haven't plenty indulged in the victim personality, we just always saw it as most appropriate to do it in the secrecy of our own mind.

What has come up though, as I read her writing, is a sort of anticipation of a specific event that happened between us and for which it seems she has not done enough 'penance'.

Things that highlighted the need for me to bring this point up that took place in the past week

'someone' said to me 'I forgive but don't forget' - mirroring myself
the desire to bring up this even with someone to share it in a context that could 'justify' my past trespassing with him - as in 'you don't know what I went through'
the fact that the event is still loaded with emotions because when I bring it up, I want to cry
the delusion of not finding it in my mother's writing, like a gaping wound that she should bring up because was so fundamental and she should not get off that easy for it
the fact that one point contained in this event came up recently with a friend and I felt 'she should not have chosen him over me'

So, I will use the tools I have learnt from #Desteni to release myself and my mum from this past memory once and for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this specific memory of an event that took place between me and my mum in which I judged that she only acted in her own self interest not putting me ahead of her wants/needs because a good mum should have done that and not choose a lousy man over me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum for what she did in a way that only highlighted Her wrongdoing without considering that there were many other things happening between us that may have pushed her to decide to simply take a break from our relationship  that did not necessarily had to do with her 'choosing someone over me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished by my interpretation of an event as my mum 'choosing a lousy man over me' and for then projecting this disappointment onto other situation where I had the perception that someone 'chose a (lousy) man over me'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed that this specific event did not come up in her writing because I labelled it as a 'fundamental life changing event' between us while she skips and hops over it so she won't have to face what she did that was unacceptable in my perception

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this event that I labelled as 'life changing' between us, not wanting to see, realize and understand that if it was so life changing and not in a way that benefited any of us, it was my responsibility to revisit it to empty it of it emotional content so that it would not stand between me and her and the path we are walking to change ourselves to realign to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this past event because I saw that I could always use it as my wild card to explain to people why I allowed myself to be a total ass in certain situation because I had been 'wounded' beyond repair and therefore I was entitled to live a wounded life and not change myself from the 'wounded' character, to a healthy forgiving being that would work to reach her utmost potential

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not sorting this out sooner but for waiting for the wake up call of the 'angry dogs that could be eating at my flesh' soon enough, if I don't work to let go this point of suppressed anger, like my mum didn't work to let go of her anger toward her mum - until now

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I had allowed myself to embody this memory to such an extent that I became it and it became me, and in doing so I held on to a self inflicted wound for over 20 years just because it was too precious to let it go as it allowed me to feel in credit toward my mum and keep her indebted to me - for life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish to keep my mum indebted to me because I felt indebted to her for all the sacrifices she made for me as I grew up for which I gave her no recognition and that made me hostile to her because I didn't want to live indebted to someone, just to end up doing the same thing to her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fell indebted to my mum and as such to feel inferior because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that those who carry the debts are inferior and those that carry the credit are superior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the instrumental use I was making of this memory so I could profit from it, profit from my mum and her guilt, profit from the pity I could elicit in those I would choose to share this memory with, actively participating in woundology for profit while blaming my mum all this time for what 'she did'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I feared letting go of this negative memory because I perceived that I would lose my advantage with my mum and go back to feeling inferior, while if I held on to this memory and my credit and made it larger every time I revisited the memory I could prevent myself from feeling indebted, I could be debt free, I could be the creditor, effectively the winner at the game of winner/losers, debtors/creditor, instead of redefining my relationship with my mum beyond debts and credits as one of support for each other and for all life, one and equal

Redefining the word Mother/Mamma

This word is defined in Italian as a 'symbol of sacrifice, love, worry
Exclamation of anxiety, fear, worry
Someone who takes care of someone else being their guide

Lacking definition from our Italian dictionary - oddly enough

someone who gave birth to someone

What is a mother?
it's a being, just like me, who either gave birth or cares for someone like if she did

When and if I should see myself desiring to bring up again the event that took place between me and my mum in which I made her indebted to me, I stop, breathe, look at WHY I would like to trade this past perceived wound with someone, be it a desire for intimacy or a desire to be excused for something I have done and instead of using this as a trade off, I address the underlying point directly if not in the specific moment, soon after as I have realigned myself to express what it is I really would like to express myself as in the moment

I commit myself to disengage from this past event and to release my mum from the perceived debt she had with me for life because I want to live debt free, I want to create a debt free world and I cannot have what I am not willing to give to others, as one, as equal, as Life

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Day 455: Anger Management - Using Anger to 'sort things out'

Last night at 1.30 am my car switched her engine off and left me stranded with another 3 friends in the car and a total of 3 dogs.

I was aware that at some levels I felt ashamed with my friends because when I was a kid my mum always had shitty cars that gave us all sorts of troubles, cars I had to push to kick start in front of everyone watching me and I connected shitty cars to being poor and hence something to be ashamed about. Funny how being poor in our society doesn't seem to be bad enough, we managed to attach blame to being poor - hence the shame most poor people live with -day in and day out.

While I sough for a solution, I remembered I had an insurance that would cover road assistance for break downs but I could not find the card with their number, so I looked on Internet, found their 24 hrs toll free number and called.

I told the operator I was insured with Unipol Sai, I offered to give my policy number but he said he didn't need it and I though - wow, we have become so efficient with all this technology, I was feeling sorry for my friends as well who had things to do early this morning but waited with me for 1 hour until the car was towed away and we could call a taxi to go home.

So I kind of bottled up some emotions about it and then this morning a gingerly guy called me to tell me I had called the wrong number last night and I would be charged for the assistance, the more he tried to explain how 'I' made the mistake, the more I saw myself 'losing it'.

First thing I was really pissed off about was that he insisted that 'I called the wrong number' as in wanting to shift the responsibility on me about them not telling me 'you called the wrong number' right away, which seemed to be the normal obvious thing that should happen in such cases - how do I know the number is wrong if the guy knows what my policy covers, doesn't ask for the number and says I am covered for towing the car away? Bloody mind reading?

I was positive I was NOT going to pay for this mistake, but I got angry anyway, like being angry would add weight to our verbal transaction because the one angry is usually right and the one not angry -wrong.

I am aware that this is a cultural glitch in my make up and I will now write out this episode to release all the charges I have accumulated inside me and to bring this idea that 'getting angry will sort things out' to a closure as this belief is not best for me nor for anyone else involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my car broke down, to feel ashamed toward my friends fearing that I would look like a 'loser', someone who doesn't have everything together and for going back in the same emotional state I felt while I was a kid and my mother had all those shitty cars that I had to push to kick-start when I was nicely dressed up- specifically to escape the impression that we were poor, by comparison to my grandparents, something I felt ashamed and inferior about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that poor people must be ashamed of their poverty as a testimony of a life of fuck ups, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that many people that can't get to the end of the month in this world have made all the best possible choices Available to Them, because choices are for the chosen Rich Ones and the less money one has, the less choices

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my mum as a loser as I grew up because she could not afford a car that would always start without fail and for blaming her for how I experienced myself when I had to run after the car to kick start it, blaming her for  feeling diminished, exposed and not good enough to have a good car instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these emotions were the result of how I copied the perception of my grandparents about my mother, who wanted to blame her for being an underachiever so they could avoid feeling guilty for never helping her out in the first place - no matter the fact that my mum worked like a dog and raised a child all by herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that blaming the poor, shaming them and belittling their whole existence is what we all still collectively do to not have to take responsibility for the system of inequality that we have created, where some drive million dollar cars while others get all the crap left overs be that about cars, homes, food, water and quality of air and life and within this I forgive myself for participating in the system of inequality perceiving myself both as a poor with all the negative emotions that go with it and a rich with all the positive feelings that go with it, instead of stopping and considering that we could all get off this energetic wheel by creating a system that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when this morning the guy called me trying to push the blame for the fuck up on me, to go livid and tell him that it was worrisome how they were even trying to do that, considering that if someone calls me in the middle of the night to have their car towed away and I am not their insurer I would say 'wrong number' while not considering all the time I have done the exact same thing, refining this art to a T in away that I still apply to my current job, where I immediately look for how I can make another responsible for a company fuck up so we don't have to be blamed about it - and in that case I look at it as a 'skill'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become skillful in the art of blaming others for my fuck ups, always seeking for ways to not take responsibility for who I am and what I have become and to consider that 'an art, a quality, something to be praised for, especially in the workplace' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that taking responsibility will have to start at my own individual level and weave out in everything I touch and do, for me to be a contributor to change in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get angry I have more leverage, more chances to get things to work my way, that pushing back someone who is being abusive with anger is justified and not equally abusive and within this for fearing that unless I get 'really angry' I won't be able to deliver home what I see as the natural outcome solution where a mistake has been made and it's clear where the responsibility lies, be that with myself or others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get really angry as a joining in into my cultural heritage, where Italians are perceived to be short fused, hot blooded, fiery and for attaching a positive feeling to all these aspects as in belonging to a specific group, excusing therefore myself for not changing because 'that's the way we are', like I can't do anything about it when in fact I can do something about it, like change and stop justifying why this is the best way to operate just because it worked all my life, although I know I have not yet explored alternatives to this behavior that may deliver the same result without my participation in energetic play outs for which, by the way, I have to always end up apologizing instead of avoiding them in the first place, no matter how justified my participation in anger may seem in a specific moment

When and as I see myself triggered into believing something is taking place for which I perceive have been wronged, duped, tricked, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that my usual response to these triggers in the past has been anger, breathe and see how can I deliver the point of my own rights in a non confrontational manner that can bring about a solution, that doesn't need to be energy driven

When and as I see myself thinking 'this anger is plenty justified', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that there is no good reason for needing anger to explain myself or to prove that on an agreement/contractual point I am right, even if and when I become aware that the other person is attempting to blame me for something that it's entirely their responsibility such in the case that took place last night

When and as I see myself wanting to 'give them a piece of my mind', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that mostly there is nothing in my mind worth sharing in a moment where I am on the brink to be overcharged with an energetic possession and that I could explain myself more clearly when not possessed by energetic reactions that drive automated behaviors in me, that don't allow me to see clearly what is going on and what position I must take to direct a point to a solution

When and as I see myself thinking 'see, it worked because I got angry', I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that most times what I had to say just worked because it made sense, because there was a logical approach to it and a fair understanding of the situation and its implication and that the anger point is really just redundant, unnecessary and not at all what sorts things out but something I end up having to apologize for - meaning, was not the right thing to do in any case, in the first place

I commit myself to sort out this point of 'Anger Management' as in using Anger to manage things

I commit myself to remind myself that I have clearly seen into this point and written out this script I can fall back on to direct myself the next time I see myself tempted to use this approach to sort things out

I commit myself to giving up my energetic experiences for the self interest of a short lived high - in favour of a life of substance that works for myself and for all existence, Equal and One

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Day 454: Releasing The Perception of a Suffocating Mother

I have been aware that I need to work on this point for some time, quite unfortunately I am aware that I still tend to learn through consequences or to wait for consequences to make it clear that if I delay more on a point I will timeloop and have to live it again.

This is the case with this perception that I have about my mother, the key work here is 'suffocating/suffocation', this word is so much a key to the way I perceive her that some of my friends are able to pick it up within me as if this is what my mother does - for real-, instead  that that word existing in and as my own experience of my mother, a version of my mother I have created that may even have little or nothing to do with her - we'll see.

So, this perception of being utterly suffocated by this woman goes back a long time, my mother believed in keeping a tight leash on me as I grew up, looking back frankly, quite appropriately, because I grew up in the Bronx of Milan, where drug dealing was the norm and a tiny fruit stall in the square in front of my house, used as a cover up for some illicit affairs, was regularly set on fire by rival gangs.
Let's say it was not the best environment to let a child loose.

My mum was not deeply religious either, as some Italians are, this as well contributed to her perception that she had to do most of the work other mothers leave up to God, so she was fiercely protective of me and she rathered be the one to know where I was at all times than spend a prayer to trust me in the mighty hands of the Divine.

All of these things and many of her energetic outbursts contributed to me associating what I felt when around her to Her personally, never seeing, realizing or understanding that I was the one making associations, defining moments and her within them, moments when I felt uneasy or tense or utterly scared or angry as her doing and not my doing, shifting the responsibility for what happened inside of me onto her - to the point where every emotion that came up within me as a result of interacting with her - I blamed it on her.

So, the relationship with my mother has been characterized by these main character play outs - the victim, the rebel, the rightful, the scorned and of course, last but not least - the suffocated one.

I will now apply one of the tools I have learned walking with Desteni to release the layered energy build ups in relation to this point and what is around it.
By the way I want to  share that since I have been walking with Desteni and have consistently applied the tools, specifically about the relationship with my mother, I have been able to change many of our dynamics, just 2 days ago, when she went beserk over something, I was able to not allow this to blow into a full possession on my side and even though she went into the same blameful dynamic of making me responsible for how she felt over something I said, I did not fuel the progression because I was not as charged as I used to be toward her, which gave me the advantage of holding a space for her to let loose without me loosing myself within in or taking what she was saying personally, so these tools WORK - this is a proven fact.

Self forgiveness is not a magic wand, I know because it didn't make my mother disappear -hehe- what it did for me was giving me space, so instead of living in a convoluted cloud of emotions and feelings and thoughts, I built up space inside of myself and yes, sometimes I fell and still fall and let a fuck off run loose, but then I pick myself up, reassess the point, see why I reacted, where I am still emotional, what I can correct to become more stable and stop blaming others for how I experience myself.

Regarding my mother for example I realized that when 'I loose it' she has nothing to do with it, she is just role playing and every role needs an antagonist. It is when I stopped being the antagonist that I started to create opportunities for change for her as well. Not that this matters because I can't be responsible for her change, or anyone else for that matter, but it shows that what we do affects others, and if we don't stop our role playing, our polarity swinging, our energy building, we'll keep going the same direction we have gone so far, into the hellish existences we have created for each other and have justified because 'she/he did that first/said that first/thought that first and told me to go fuck myself first' and in that we miss the basic point of our collective change -
forgiving means letting go of our idea of a valid retribution/restitution - there won't be any, if we held on to that we would be stuck into these cycles of ex I stance forever more instead of gifting to ourselves and each other the gift to break free, because we never considered before that we may deserve better than what we have created so far and as we do we'll see that everyone else does as well, this is why we have started a movement for-giving to each other the chance to start anew to create ourselves and our futures as something we can be proud of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my emotional world to my mother and to believe she was the one generating emotions inside of me - instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I was the one IN CHARGE, creating all sorts of energies as a consequences of the thoughts I accepted and allowed inside myself about her, her words and her actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and say out loud that my mother is a 'suffocating woman' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was associating my feeling of 'being suffocated' by all the energies that I created and juggled inside myself to her, because she happened to be around at the same time when and while I was creating these experiencing in and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was angry at my mother for the way I felt when I allowed myself to be triggered into an emotional reaction by some words she spoke or things she did that I took personally instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mother was unable to manage her emotional world and that she was just overflowing what she could no longer contain and that was not personal or meant to harm me but was her pressure valve going off with those closest to her as that's where she felt safest to let loose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by my mother as if she was the abuser and I was the abused, when in fact I have equally abused both myself by participating in emotional possessions and her by copying the same pressure cooker valve system and within this for believing that it was ok to blame her for what I felt and experienced just because she blamed me for what she felt and experienced

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to rebel to her authority to the point that I run away from home when I was 17 just to get away from all the crap and commotion that was going on in my home and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I was reacting to the belief that she was the cause of my own experiences of myself and what I was rebelling against instead of seeing the real cause of my own experience of myself which was me as the Mind and all the conflicting thoughts and beliefs I was trying to manage at the same time that were generating extensive friction and uneasiness inside of me for which my mother had no response-ability at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my  mother for throwing away 20 + years of my life smoking pot because 'if she had not been the asshole that she was' I would never have resorted to 'self medicating' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I conveniently blamed my mother for how I experienced myself because blaming her gave me carte blanche to be a total ass and to reject any responsibility for myself because 'there was this obsessive woman' doing all the work anyway - which meant I was not required to and I could just cruise away as a free spirit and never be the lame woman I came to believe she was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to criticize my mother as I grew up because I wanted reasons that showed I was right and she was wrong and that the physical repulsion I have developed for her was in fact justified by the very long list of things I accumulated against her - like the terrible shoes she wore even being born in Italy -forgodssake-, the fact that she mismatched the colours that she wore, the fact that she wouldn't wear make up to look good to the point that in my eyes she became this dysmorphic creature born in a family of good looking people, which meant she must have been really evil at heart because beauty=good and she had none of it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I was ashamed of my mother because 'she didn't look good' and because I took on from my grandmother this value of being beautiful and groomed and listened to all the criticism my grandma made about my mother, about the way she looked, about the way she thought, about the men she chose that would never stick around long enough to prove she was worthy of a relationship and within this I forgive myself for the shame and the anger I felt when I sat down while my grandmother spoke about my mother in ways that hurt me but kept quiet because I hoped to be in her good books when she would die and leave her money to me and not to such an undeserving woman as my mother was in her eyes, until she was that in my eyes as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and untrustworthy for not standing up for my mum when my grandmother and my grandfather spoke about her like she was just a ball of untamed emotions without seeing realizing and understanding that they too were into the blame game and that my grandmother wanted no responsbility for my mother's feelings of not having been wanted when she abandoned her as a child and so she worked hard to make my mother guilty and undeserving so she could feel better about what she did and within this for allowing myself to copy this behavior of making others guilty for my own feelings and emotions and then trying to belittle them to prove that it was always them at fault and not me in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my mother was not a good mother and that was the reason why I turned out the way I did and for telling her when I gave up pot that I had been addicted for a long time, just so she would know that everything she said and did to me didn't go without consequences, justifying this disclosure as 'explaining myself' so she would stop to take some things personally while in the background I run my little extortion racket where I knew she would move into guilt and I would have my own little revenge while she took on the blame for my own existence so that I could keep on living irresponsibly and not feeling bad about it - because it was her fault if I resorted to pot to manage my own experience of myself - self created - inward generated and outward projected and blamed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel constricted by my mother, strangulated, suffocated, believing she was the one doing this to me, instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that I was a victim of my own mind let loose and never directed and that I used pot to find some breath in between emotional possessions and that I felt ashamed of this vice that I then glorified into a lifestyle and a choice and this made it even more important and vital for me to blame my mother because I was looking for ways to get rid of the shame of my existence and as she blamed her mother and my grandmother blamed her daughter, it seemed a fit choice for me to join in the blame game and blame them both and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the blame game and in construct of superiority and inferiority to try and justify why I was not responsible for the choices I had made and who I had become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I had created an 'Inner Mother' using bits and pieces of the most unpleasant memories that I stored about my relationship with my mother and that I have used this inner Mother as a stick to beat myself up with and a measure to check any of my decision against and that the friction I caused inside myself by living 24/7 with this Inner Mother I myself created, I then blamed it onto my real mother, making her responsible of the inner turmoils I lived relative to the inner dialogues I had between myself and my self created Inner Mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I was always the one and only using the rod on myself that I blamed my mother for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my inner mother may say about some decisions I want to make, in fact about any decision I want to make, because, as I realized as a child that I had no power to make my mother happy consistently, I created an internal mother I tried to please at all times, not seeing realizing and understanding that it would be impossible for me to please a character I have created within me using the worst pieces of my relationship with my mother and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I created this Inner Mother to support my ideas and beliefs about my real mother as being 'bad' as I could bend my own created mother character to take the most despicable stands in my life and then believe that is what my mother would do, given a chance, when in fact I have proved over and over again to myself that the only reason my mother still surprises me is because she refuses to match my own Cruella De Ville fantasy character and she has proved to be way more reasonable than the character I created and kept alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up memories between my real interactions with my mother and my imaginary interactions with the self created mother inside of me until I can always prove that I am right, that I have a point and within this for not giving myself the opportunity to get to know my mother for real, giving her a chance to step out of my imagination to become a physical living being, not giving to her what I am seeking for myself, to stop being puppeettered by myself and others so I can start becoming a real flesh human being and within this I forgive myself for not having given what I want for myself, a life, life as a breathing living being - to my mother and to myself, equal and one

I commit myself to, if and when  a feeling of suffocation, being suffocated, constricted, oppressed comes up in my solar plexus, to stop, breathe, see what it is that has moved energies within me, take responsibility for it and release it through self forgiveness without blaming it on anyone else and in the specific, without blaming it on my mother

I commit myself to release the Inner Mother I have created within and as myself by letting go all of the unpleasant memories that I have stored to design this character in a Cruella De Ville-ish way to prove that I was always right and my mother always wrong - which allowed me to justify my emotional upheavels for which I now commit myself to become response-able and direct them to a correction

I commit myself to, if and when a point of friction comes up between me and my mother, to stop myself from going and playing it out in my mind first to check what my internal fictional Mother would say or do in an attempt to not be surprised and to be in control of my emotions and feelings outcomes, instead I can stop, breathe and communicate with my mother in the real physical world what it is that bothers me and how can we find together a solution that works for both

I commit myself to, if and when my mother should go off the rocket to stop and breathe, to not pick and choose what I will store of what she says to later use against her but to understand it's just an energetic blow up that I don't need to take personally and that doesn't define me in any way - so that I can be a safe space for her to let loose when she can't contain her energetic build up anymore - without being affected by it in any way

I commit myself to for-give to myself and my mother a chance at starting a real relationship based on communication in the present moment about present things and to always seek solutions and not friction in our interaction, fixing this one relationship for good for myself and all of existence, equal and one