Day 28: Hosting Friends and Hang Ups

This is actually a real picture of me and a friend I had in Hong Kong, a good friend.

I mean good friend still in the sense of the ones 'that make you feel good', I was a 'feel good friend ' too, most of the time, I treasured the idea that having a Relationship, being friends with someone, is All about "Feeling Good" with Them, I have spent a Life investing in Good/Bad Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions, which means I have actually wasted my Life up to now and invested in what was not Real.

Feelings and Emotions are not Real, hence I was not Real, nor was anyone else involved with me in the same Investment Plan.

In this picture of myself I see the sadness of my eyes, it was a usual Sunday Brunch in HK, lots of drinking and lots of feeling good, meaning, lots of Self abuse through and through , to the Physical through alchol and to the Physical through the Mind as Feelings and Emotions.

Since I came back to Italy I have had some friends visiting, it was clear that they id not come to visit me but just because it was a place to stay, I happened to be here.

Tomorrow another friend is coming, she is coming specifically to visit me, she is not happening here nor will I, it's meant as a visit, which is the first novelty in my hosting, the first two were males, she will be the first girlfriend I host.

It's been a different to host males and females friends in my mind, when I had males as guests, I worried less, I feared less their judgements about how I keep the house, how I cook and how I organize things.

Tomorrow my first female friend comes, I have been anxious about getting organized, looking around for things to do with her, wanting to give her the 'perfect experience' of Italy, which is quite hard since I'm not even having it myself.

I have changed, and I fear I may not be able to relate or that I will fall back into patterns of behavior and personalities to be able to relate.

This is another point between hosting my male friends to whom I felt no need to relate, how could we ? I have never 'related' to a man even when I had male friends, understanding that they are just 'different', I have a belief that men are 'less demanding' based on assumptions in my mind, ideas and memories of having almost never heard men complain and criticize others as much as women, but since I joined Desteni I have realized there is no difference in fact, we all share a Secret Mind, they are just less outspoken about it, maybe they even fear the judgement of their own criticising and complaining, while women got over that as the pressure cooker that is the Mind became simply uncontainable. It was actually a relief to find out men were not better or worse than women are, we are just all equally fucked in and as the Mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire friends like I used to have to share feelings and emotions as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having friends from the past visiting because I don't know if I will be tempted to walk backward or if I will be able to stand in and as the Change I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that without feelings and emotions I won't be able to enjoy myself even though I have seen that emotions and feelings as reactions were never real enjoyment but an energy game we all play and participate in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that men are easier than women, better than women until they are worse than women, instead of seeing we are Equals as Life and temporarily just in 2 different physical expressions of gender

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot nor I need to relate to a man, because they are different, instead of seeing we are Equals and possibly share the same issues from two different sides, which doesn't make them different at all, but equally fucked up in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious about hosting a friend in fear of her judgement that I don't do everything perfectly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do everything perfectly as a way to give value and worth to myself because I have separated myself from My Self as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can and must acquire Worth for myself because I am not good enough without Externally Granted Worthiness and within this I forgive myself for believing I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to prove something to somebody in my life to uphold an image of myself of the past that I no longer fit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that we may have little to say to each other just because I relate my emotional participation in and as life to communicating instead of seeing that real communication can only happen when thoughts, emotions and feelings are not involved so that the moment can truly be a moment of Self Expression here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my past participation with friends as a reactive machine, in it for my fixes of energy and not to really be and share myself with another human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past participation with friends as BAD, due to the extende of energy maniuplation that was involved as I lived in and as the Mind and not Here in and as the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I no longer know who I am because I am shedding personalities and I lack the scripts to behave in my 'usual ways' instead of seeing that today for example a friend came to visit and we had the best chat we had in many years because I was self honest and that led her to be self honest as well and we both benefited equally from the exchange, beyond energy games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without emotions and feelings my life is empty and not Real, when I can see clearly from the picture I posted that my life was empty and not real before, because I was never real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my expression to a roller coaster of emotions and feelings that run me and my words and my life, instead of standing up for myself in Self Expression to stop the bullshit called friendship limited to energy plays to uphold ideas and beliefs about our treasured personalities as Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I miss interactions with friends as the ones I had, when it is clear to me now that I have never in fact had a real interaction with anyone because to have real interactions I should have been real, and I was not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise myself for all the fakeness and bullshit I have participated in as personalities of myself as the Mind preventing myself from living and experiencing myself beyond the limiting world of emotions and feelings as energy fixes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the dis-honesty of friendship allowing myself to live a world of gossips in my secret mind about them, proving to myself and then believing that I could not be trusted which led me to not trust anyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and for believing I was not trustworthy, while I see that when I am out of the Mind I can actually move effectively to learn to trust myself Breath by Breath to build myself into a real Human Being, stopping my Pinocchio Puppet Life, where the strings that moved me were self disegned thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have embedded into my body and that ended up creating and manifesting network of systems that Moved Me instead of Me Moving Myself as the Self Directive principle of Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others as friends, by making them special to guarantee that I could have easier access to the energy fixes I craved and needed, as me, as the Mind, as Ego, instead of making the whole world my friend and a friendly place for myself and the generations to come so we may All experience Life on Earth in Oneness and Equality and stop our existence of separation in and as the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into making someone 'special', I stop, breathe, remind myself that 'special' is a way of separating the special ones from the non special, while everyone in this world is Self and worthy of Life as me in Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself move or about to move into any kind of reaction and about to speak to a friend from such reactive place, I stop, Breathe, bring myself back Here, check that I am not reacting before I express myself and only then I allow myself to speak

When and as I see myself move into Anxiety or about to move into anxiety because I have a friend visiting, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that is the anxiety of my fear of my own judgements of me as a Hostess, as I would like to be seen as perfect and faultless, I stop, remind myself that I open my home asking and expecting nothing in return, as this is what I would like to receive and I have made the decision to give as I would like to receive and so in no expectations or desires to be fulfilled, there can be no points of conflict within or without.

I commit myself to learn effective and self honest communication by breathing always before I speak, abandoning all scripts, beliefs and ideas and memories of what a friendship should be or look like, so I may see all as equals to me and deserving of what I would like to receive, self honest relationships that are not Mind and Energy based but based on the foundation of Life as Breath and What is best for All that I myself start by giving unconditionally to others.