Day 348: Bernard Poolman Died so that All May Live

I am currently staying at the Desteni farm.

Yesterday morning at 8 am we had an extraordinary meeting, it was extra-ordinary because we don't gather on Sunday mornings usually and then it was extraordinary because once we met we were told by Cerise that her Dad, The Devil, had died overnight.

I experienced a state of shock so vast that I could not contain my tears and just cried and cried while listening to how this happened. There was no WHY though, no one had a why for this death, yes, his body was under a lot of stress due to the position he had taken upon himself in service of Life, but then again, how can Life Die, what does it mean when Life Dies while there is no other Life yet that can take over?

The people who have been hit the worse of course are his closest family and the people who had the privilege to share the space and time during which he lived and walked at the farm as a Living Example of what it means to exist and breathe a principled Life beyond personal interest.

I have been with Desteni for almost 3 years now and have been on the farm for over a month, 40 days to the Death of Bernard, that is for sure a milestone and a day that will be hard to forget as everyone came together in grieving, telling stories, holding together a group that has to walk the same principle but that may have -although unwillingly or unawarily- piggybacked on Life itself one way or another, safe and sound about the fact that the Ultimate Point of reference as Bernard lived among us, that he would be there to sort out our petty life commitment that seem to need constant direction because we are unable to even walk the simplest things we have committed to walk, always looking for ways out, for shortcuts, to engage solely in tasks that will expose us as valuable members of a community where we have invested time and therefore value.

What distinguishes the people who are walking process in awareness from those who are not it's either that those who are not do not know about the process and the tools of Desteni or they have just found ways to justify WHY they are not required to change, while within our group we have taken the first step, we have admitted that we need to change, we are aware that we need to change which means that we are even the more responsible for walking this process consistently, to make sure that those that didn't find the tools yet, can find us.

I have met Bernard in person and spent time with him for over a month, too little,  wish I had more time with him so he could tell me again and again that he was just 'Normal' and that it was 'I' who was abnormal, convinced that there was any value to the commentary that runs in my head oftentimes, he told me 'get rid of the good commentary as well, it's just a waste of time', and it's easy to see how we have gladly embraced the tools to get rid of what was not working for us, but not to get rid of what is apparently working, because, obviously, it's working, isn't it?

At the beginning of my walk with Desteni, the language that was repeated again and again, scared me, never when it came from Bernard though, because his words 'Lived', they were 'lived', when he would talk about 'what is best for all' he meant it, he had moved beyond preferences and likes and dislikes, I never once heard anything he said as either empty or as preaching, his words were who he was, this is why I was soo many times hit by the substance of his words to the points of tears, the words of one who has put himself as Life into them are powerful, they are Alive and they will live as a substantial legacy of what has to be done.

The other day Bernard was explaining a bit of Homeopathy and he said 'Likes cures Likes, simple, isn't it - so Like what you DisLike' - a bit like the post he wrote a few days ago when he stated that we are our own Weather station where our weather systems are managed by external inputs such as 'whether is this or that' and can cause internal storms or sunny days, which brings back the point of a computer program, the famous code line 'if this than that' and how simple equations have become the starting point of every one of our moves, we are whether systems and we are ruled by the if this than that equations we ourselves set up a long time ago or that we accepted others to set up long time ago For Us.

Bernard was a Big Man, his presence was hard to match, it didn't matter how many times he told us he was our Equal, I am sure most of us didn't feel Equal at all and so Bernard died, removed himself from the equation, deliberately, specifically, as everything he did, to create the vacuum that nature abhors so much, because every vacuum must be filled, and he trained people to stand up and fill the Space he left.

What does it mean to Stand Up, for real?  Here we could have the 'police manual' version of the answer 'to protect and serve' and we have plenty words to define this imaginary 'standing up' in a Four Musketeer fashion 'one for all and all for one' sort of way - and we should refrain from doing so, specifically in the wake of Bernard's passing, where many who may have been walking silently or that kept to themselves may be looking for directions and to join as a way to find the stability they found when they knew Bernard was around.

Standing up means to stop the Mind, to stop believing whatever your mind throws at you, to slow down, find the origin of everything that created 'me' so that 'we' may correct our existences at the very origin, re- parent ourselves into self honest human beings, check every point we face, self correct, see where I am, I am Here and point by point integrate our self into a grid of integridy, a grid we have self created, self designed, where each point we rewrote is standing considering all points of the equation, where my 'I' is used to see and check as the 'Eye' of the Needle, the Eye that sees the Needs of All and is not deaf or dumb or uncaring but Stands instead as a Point of Self Correction, as a point of Self Creation of a World that Works for All.

So, as a group, we no longer have the luxury of engaging the Mind because Bernard will not be around to help  to sort ourselves out, this is the vacuum we fill, the vacuum of what we have not yet created, the grid of integridy, no longer a faulty operating system, but a net-work of support for us and the World that interacts with us beyond the Mind and we don't have the luxury to mourn him beyond what our physical has the need to process and as well we don't have the luxury to not mourn him because we have made up some funny ideas about what process is because then we didn't get it, process is to self honest live the moment in breath, anything else is dishonest, is an opinion, an idea about, such as in this case would be about Destonian mourning, it's not reality based, it's not Real.

And on a last note, we remind ourselves that we are working to stop the existence of a polarity based world, where many lose so that few can win, where Rights and Wrongs are dictated and reflected by how much Money One Has, to either write the Laws, to uphold them or to evade them and within this we redefine our ideas about Morality as well, as a word that was specifically designed to keep the sheeples within the lines of accepted nonthreatening behavior, Morality is dishonest in a world where not everyone has Equal access to it, Morality is a luxury and as such unacceptable in an immoral world, we have work to do, a lot of work, up there those lost in the Mind don't have the tools and maybe the will to self correct, we owe it to Existence to Stand beyond anything that would prevent this message to spread, many of us will soon be involved with the Educational side of our Project, How Far are We willing to go to get this done?

Because the Mind will not stop in front of anything, we as The Mind won't stop our self interested existence because that is The Nature of Ourselves as The Mind, we have to re-parent our Minds into an existence of Harmony, into Equality and Oneness with the Physical and take on those who are too lost to even consider the common sense of a Solution that would work for all.

We have the tools, we have our points to walk, we have each other, do we have what it takes to bring about this change?

Bernard did, he took the Miss-Fits of society and created a group to stand beyond all Whethers and he would not stop, he would not be stopped by anything, he was willing to go the whole way, he gave up his Life so that All May be Life.

Now each one has got to ask themselves the question, can I stand, can I Self Honestly say I can stand or should I remove myself from this group, from the Time I am taking away from others that may make it because they will be more disciplined than what I am willing to be - and what does it mean to stand?

It's not the Destonian logo that shows anyone's stand, or the 'LIKE' on Facebook or sharing Bernard's words, nor the many years of involvement or the many blogs- if anything this should be a measure of ineffectiveness if after So many years one has not managed to change oneself?- but what are we willing to give up for Life.

Can we give up the Porn, the abuse, the self abuse, our self judgement, the judgement of others, our wavering walk, our desires to walk away from our commitments, our excuses to why we don't have time to participate, to self correct, to do our assignments, can we give up our preferences, likes and dislikes, can we stop the bullshit, our pettiness, so that nothing stands in the way of us making a clear decision that is always best for all, can we give up this Life for the life of All, what are WE willing to give up for Life?

Here stood and lived a man who gave it All up for Life, our Life, every Living Being's Life, we better match such a commitment with our own, Bernard did not die in Vain, he won't even have a funeral, or a gravestone to be reminded by, his ashes will be scattered back to the Earth, let's not allow ourselves to make him die invain.

Let's make ourselves Matter as we Stand up for Life - because if we don't, if we can't give up the Illusion for Life, really, we don't matter at all.

Related articles

• Day 327: I think, therefore I am Not Here yet.
• Day 335: The Joy and Freedom of Hating Desteni
• Day 458: Facts and Feelings: How to Stop and Prevent Brainwashing
• Day 324: Desteni Witness - The 'Scam' and Secret of Self Forgiveness

Day 144: Deleting the Hatchet Consultant/Director

Deleting:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that wants to get rid of inept people at work because they stand in the way of the Company performance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people as The Money System, as in profitable or not profitable and for desiring to trash all the non profitable ones

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the value of a being at work is related to how he performs and that when he under-performs or when I have an opinion about his/her lazy attitude they should be trashed because they are of no use to the system as efficient cogs in the machine, instead of seeing that we All have Equal value as Life and no one should be trashed out of their lifeline because they have not aligned to 'system requirements'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people must perform 'well' at work to be of any value because the ones that did not were discarded and I feared being discarded and trashed and experiencing myself as devalued

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some people who are incompetent and arrogant should just be kicked out of a company, instead of seeing and realizing they have become arrogant because they are incompetent and they fear to lose their jobs and their right to live as a job within this system means the ability to make money and buy one's place within the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being labeled as arrogant and incompetent, especially if the two are paired together

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up my mind about people and how they work and once I have made up my mind about their ineptitude I just look for proofs that they are inept beyond repair and they have to be disposed, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a good manager gets rid of the dead weight inside a company to gain the respect of other employees who are carrying some of the dead weight's workload

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't care to be hated at work, when in fact I desire to be loved and one way I go about it is to trash and throw out of the company the people that I see have become a source of discontent, because it would require more time for me to help and support them to correct themselves within a working environment for which I perceive I am responsible and because I believe that people 'just don't change'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, once I step into the Hatchet Consultant Character, just no longer see any common sense, such as, can this guy/lady make a living out of here or should we keep him/her because he can't make a living and help and support him/her to find a way to give his best even within a tedious routine oriented environment, because this is what we are working with at the moment and unless he/she aligns with it he/she will have to leave, if not through me, through someone above me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated once I have made up my mind as the Hatchet Character about somebody and the time for 'off with the head' has come, if someone at the last moment steps in in their defence, and to perceive this movement as a betrayal as in something personal against me and my authority "what do you mean, I am doing this FOR YOU as well, why are YOU doing this to me?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uneasy about thinking to throw someone out of the company and for seeing that I could just step into my Hatchet Director Character where all guilt goes away, because I am just doing my job and there is nobody that can save such a dumbass from himself/herself if at his/her age he has not yet understood how to toe the line and carry his share of the shitload

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the ones that resist leaving the company once I have decided they should no longer be there, because come on, you know what YOU are doing, and NOT doing that is creating this situation, so why are you resisting the inevitable, instead of just packing your things and leaving and maybe start afresh in a new job, ah yes, you are resisting because this job is your only chance to live, too bad, you created this for yourself, move along, we have work to do here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that once I have identified someone to be hatched when I move into a company, that they too should agree with me, making my job less unpleasant, because I don't like getting rid of people who need a job to live and who have a family, and so I have to force myself to not think about these points or the difficulties he/she may encounter once out of the company, because I am just doing my job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Hatchet Consultant Character, as I saw that people's jobs were not guaranteed and there was nothing safe in this world, and it was better to cross the line and move among the ones that do the Hatching than be among the ones Hatched, so basically I created this Character out of Fear of one day losing my job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by the Hatchet Character, in which times I cannot hear any reason or have no Self Will to stop myself to consider the other person because I have launched myself into a mission, Hatching, and whatever follows afterward is of no relevance to me because I have made up my mind, meaning I am in full possession as the Hatchet Consultant/Director

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, if I do the Hatching of the dead weights once I step into the Company, I will get respect and will promote a fearful situation where people will fear to lose their job around me if they under-perform or are just lazy bums and everything will run more smoothly for everybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that promoting Fear among the People who need a job to 'make a living' is an act of cruelty and that if I am in a position of leadership I should promote a Fear Free environment as what is best for All, as in no one is left behind as the assurance that everyone's job is in fact guaranteed, and help and support the ones who are slower or less efficient to catch up so that they won't lose their jobs by my hand or by someone above me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having respect in the workplace is important and that whatever I need to do to get that respect is acceptable, because one needs "respect" to manage other people and since 'respect' is a working tool I am justified in what I have to do to get unconditional respect as a tool to operate smoothly within the company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Respect is best and most easily obtained through Fear, because my mother used Fear to get my respect and I actually did not respected her but hated her quietly and suppressed everything inside pretending respect to stay out of trouble

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat my family's behaviour and opinions and delusions about 'respect' and how to get it and for dreading not having it from the people I was supposed to manage, because how can I manage without respect?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that we need 'respect' for management, which basically is an admission of inferiority that I try to balance out while I stand in the company hierarchy as above/superior and so demanding by the Right of the Hierarchy to be respected as More and Above and not One and Equal to all the workers within the company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that leadership means being MORE and Above others, because one leads from the front and who is in front is first, the winner and the others are just the losers who have to tag along on the road that I design for them to walk on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people as more or less according to how much money they make and what position they cover within a company's hierarchical chart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see everyone as an Equal because I bought into the idea that some people are more important than others within a company according to how much money they make and the position they cover, because we are not all born equals and we are not equals anywhere and a Boss is more than an employee, it's obvious or he/she would not be The Boss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell my staff 'don't call me Boss' playing out a fake Equality which was clearly never there, because the Hatchet Character believes she has the right of life and death over people and their jobs and their right to 'make a living/surviving in the system'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly enjoy when my staff called me Boss and to enjoy as well telling them to not call me Boss as an Act of Grandeur, as I gave up -apparently-my right to superiority and power for fake Equality as a point of Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of losing a job, since I was once fired when I was 17 and run away to Ireland and they offered me a job in a Fish and Chips shop, and I stole chocolate because I believed they paid me shit and I was entitled to at least have access to the chocolate bars as a compensation, and when it fell from my pockets as I was going out and I faced that moment of utter shame, I decided I was never going to feel that way again and I would do anything in my power to grow to the other side of the power line to never ever be in a position to be laid off and experience myself the same way again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I suppressed this memory as far as possible to never relive the shame and guilt I felt, not remember or see that whenever I would do this to another I would in fact subject them to the same guilt and shame, and yet I did not care because the point was always that I should never experience myself that way, the others, if by their age have not managed to catch up and work out the system, they could fuck off

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live one and equal to the shame and guilt of that moment in which I was found out for stealing chocolate bars, not because I stole, but because I became exposed and could not deny that I did steal the chocolate bars or explain why I got to the point of feeling entitled because I was overworked and paid peanuts in a shitty job and so I was left with my shame and guilt I chocked back all the way until I got back home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up stories about why I was right and they were wrong to lay me off, because they should have seen that I deserved more money or chocolate bars in the lieu of money, instead they kept pulling the rope until it broke, instead of owning up to the fact that I should have asked for what I thought I deserved and not bottle up just to come to a point of entitlement in my own mind in which there was no reasonable doubt that I in fact was not stealing but squaring the books, except when the owner of the fish and chip shop looked at the fallen chocolate bars and then at me like 'what the fuck were you thinking?'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when something proves me wrong, I have to make up a story to prove me right, instead of seeing and realizing how it was that I drove myself to the point of entitlement, which is a pattern I have lived out again and again that even though I did not play out in the same way, left me feeling the same, frustrated, overworked and underpaid, until I would leave my jobs , no mater what they offered me to stay because I always took the point that 'they did not give me what I deserved' as Their fault and Not my responsibility to state my price clearly and not rely on others to read my Mind or to guesstimate what value I have in Mind that would make me feel justly paid, that I don't wish to communicate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do to others what I did not enjoy done onto me, stepping into a company just to revamp it and redesigning logistics and responsibilities and within this believing that it was my duty to get rid of the dead weight, while I kept playing out the reversal of my moment of shame and guilt, trying to get even with the world so I would no longer be the only one carrying such shame and guilt, all done through a Character, the Hatchet, because if I would stop and see the consequences into other people lives I would have made different decisions both about the words I spoke and about the stand I took to reduce the useless and inept staff

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I did showed my strength as a woman, that they should not fuck with us since we had more balls than all the men within a company that wanted, wished some staff fired but did not have the balls to do it, but I did, failing to see that maybe the men for whom their identity is so invested in their careers, just did not want to do to others what was unbearable for them which made me in fact the only one wanting people out of companies into the street, so I could even out the book from when I perceived myself as bad, to now perceiving myself as good as in having the kind of power that makes or break someone's present and future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry my Hatching deeds or prospect Hatching deeds as a badge of honour that proved I was one not to fuck with at work, instead of seeing and realizing I had just slipped into Corporatism and Capitalism up to my neck, believing and accepting that Money is more important and above Life, because around me my Life was never respected, but when I had money in my pocket All games changed and so Money was obviously More Powerful/Important than Life, because without Money you die, oops, even without Life you Die, in fact when you no longer have a physical body that is when you are really dead and Gone, I just did not see it that way at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some people that I have pushed out of a company or just compensated and asked them to leave, just asked for it, deserved it, just because they were slow and did not get how it is to become efficient in the system so your job is secured, and for never developing the mercy to see that in a system where Job=Money and Money=Life, it would have been my responsibility to stand in and as support instead of in and as the hand that severed their lifeline to the system

I commit myself to delete the Hatchet Consultant Character because it doesn't support Life or What is best for All

I commit myself to, if I should ever cover such a position of Power again, investigate all ways through which I can support and help someone to grow enough to hold his place effectively within the system, not by doing their jobs and creating credits for myself inside of me, but by helping them to see how we work on timelines and priorities regarding production and organization, to share my knowledge regarding office efficiency without reserve and unconditionally until the other person can walk the point effectively by themselves

I commit myself to support All Life, within and without the working environment, by walking my Path of Self Correction to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to, if I should see that this Character still exists and My Mind offers me to step into it in full gear, to stop, Breathe, remind myself that as this Character I have nothing of value or worth to share or give or Breathe into existence, so I keep my mouth shut and Breathe myself back into the Physical and I commit myself to not speak until I am sure I have no reactions or links to this Character and if need be, to reopen this File until this Character is forever deleted, for myself as Life and All of Existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• Day 142: I'll name My Price All Right!
• Day 143: The Hatchet Consultant - Off with the Head !
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 149: ACCUMULATION SECRETS of WEALTH
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF
• Day 92: I Have to take care of MY People
• Day 139: The Rapture and True Activism
• Day 93: Grey Populations and Hopes for Peace in Old Age going Dark

Day 138: I am NOT a Dirty Lousy Kid, I am ALL The Dirty Lousy Children of The World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I feared other children while I always only feared the experience of me when around strangers and people for which I had not yet developed a fitting Character/personality to interact through and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear interacting with other kids that I did not know because I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to them and feared to be a loser by comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into the winner/loser construct as a kid, in which I desired to win by comparison, because losing felt awful and I feared my own acceptance and allowance of the definition of me as a 'loser' and the emotions and feelings to match I would have to live with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself yesterday, when listening to a father telling me that his son at 4 years old told him 'he was a loser' to react with a feeling of dismay and the thought that we are fucked, if at 4 years old now we are already self defined as 'losers' by and through our life experiences that are becoming more and more competitive as the system assures that only a few get through the net of becoming well adjusted and provided for, while the rest of the world, by their own acceptance and allowance through comparison and competition, defined themselves as 'worthy and deserving' to starve, just as planned

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that what I reacted to was the memory of me judging and defining myself as a 'dirty lousy kid' and as such as a loser compared to the kids that did not happen to have lice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the words dirty and lousy to the Rom kids who lived in caravans with their families and were always pointed at as 'the dirty lousy kids' we should fear and as such when I defined myself as a dirty lousy kid, I started to fear myself even further

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the thoughts that came up inside of me toward other kids when I felt cornered into a situation of shame that I could not deny or brush off, such as having found myself standing in the courtyard with a group of others 'dirty lousy kids', some of which were obviously visually dirty and lousy, but by association through lice I became 'dirty and lousy' too, and then I moved into blame seeking for faults in both the 'lousy dirty kids' for 'infecting me' and the 'non lousy dirty kids' attempting to even out my perception of me, which was self created and had no connection to reality at all, and for this I forgive myself, as lice is not the kids "fault" since thay are not taught about it until they get infected by it, but of a faulty system that doesn't care for Life enough to make sure that the sleeping quarters of kids that are ammassed to slip in unsanitary conditions due to Money/budget restrictions, are kept clean and lice free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was more worthy that the Rom's dirty lousy kids because we had a roof over our head, and within this point starting my association with the Money System as a value/Worth system, seeing the ones who had less as the 'dirty lousy' people of existence which we were supposed to fear, because anyone having less would be desiring to have more and within a finite resource system they were a threat to me and my security and therefore to be feared and confined within their poverty, away from the possibility of taking from me what was mine by birthright

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my own participation within the polarities of existence, of good and bad, right and wrong, positive and negative, supports this system as is, because there cannot be positive without the negative, or right without the wrong or good without bad, and that seeking the positive polarity of every experience of Life through the Money System, means someone will be left out in the cold and No solution will ever be possible until we give up our right for the good, the right and the positive of existence, to equalize ourselves to everything that exits as in our equalization polarities will cease to exist and we will from there be able to create and manifest what is best for All Life always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was that moment of utter shame and disgust for myself when they found out I had lice and had to be confined until the cutting of the hair, as something that I perceived as a sacrifice of a part of me, a piece of me, had to be performed to be readmitted into the group, and then my amputated parts had to be burtn in public for everyone to see, that I had given up my dirtiness and lousiness to belong again and would they please take me back into the group, which was my secret desire that I did not manifest or spoke about as I assumed they had rejected me and would not admit me back having taken this episode as a pint of diminishment of myself and very 'Personal', instead I rejected them and isolated myself as I lived fearing facing their rejection now that I had been exposed as dirty and lousy too

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself in fear of rejection and having to face the experience of shame in relation to rejection, which are both self created within my sick mind, the potential rejection and the shame and yet I lived a life of isolation to not face this point for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the group approval is what makes Life worthy, and since I missed out on the Group approval anticipating their potential rejection, I was not worthy, same as the Rom Dirty Lousy kids, who were not worthy to come to our same schools because sometimes they wore no shoes and this was unacceptable as they did not comply to the demands of the system, failing to see that the system is demanding that we have money to comply to Rules and regulation to be considered acceptable, worthy and welcomed into the group and yet when Money is Not given to All Equally it is through this system of Inequality that we are creating the dirty lousy kids of the World and noone can stand above them since they are our very creation and the manifestation of abuse in every way and form won't stop, until WE STOP.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself in shame, wishing to be someone else, one of the kids who had not been found to be dirty and have lice, wishing to separate myself from myself, not wanting to be there to face that moment of utter shame without support, failing to see that I was looking for my own support that I did not yet know how to give to myself, because as kids we are not taught about the physical and breathing, but live within a system that passes on to kids the mental infirmity of its dwellers as fears as memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions, until kids are crippled and little copies of their parents and unable to support themselves just like the grown ups aren't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was angry at my mother for failing me, for allowing me to get lice by sending me to this fucking summer camps full of dirty and lousy kids to whom I wanted no association with whatsoever as I blamed them to be the source of my shame as I failed to see that only I could generate thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself that culminated in how I experienced myself and that blaming others for how I experienced myself, so I could , hopefully, shift the whole experience of me onto them was not the solution and that I would trap myself in feelings of hopelessness and uselessness until I stood up to own back the experiences of myself as Me and apply Self Correction to STP the experience of me as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at me everytime I experienced shame and believed to be that shame as Who I Am and for projecting my anger onto others trying to make them responsible for how I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make others responsible for the experience of me, for what I accept and allow within myself within the desire to Not Take responsibility for Myself as that seemed impossible since I was blamed by other adults about the way they felt and so I joined into the game, like we all do, as we fail to STOP and OWN UP to our own experiences, stopping the blame and the self blame to just see what is in fact going on and where has this originated from, so within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application I can stop these experiences of me, to stop the past from manifesting inward and outward into this world that is mirroring back what we have accepted and allowed and ultimately BeLieved ourselves and the world to be, until it was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to own someone who would take care of me, for me, such as a boyfriend, a husband and when all else failed, employees, a maid, someone I could pay to do the dirty job of taking care of me, so I would not have to and I could cruise through Life just making money, making Money the objective of my existence to buy myself out of my Self responsibility as THIS is what we are currently using Money for, as our responsibilities are clearly shifted to the Miserable and the Poor who do not have access to the Money system as WE KEEP THEM THERE, as The slaves that will attend to our desire for the right, the positive and the good, living out the polarity we don't wish to live, exactly as Heaven did, leaving Humanity in the Hell of their own Creation, as above so below

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how my participation in and as 'benevolence' was always just a cover up, for my selfish desires to have it good for myself, uncaring about the rest of the World because the rest of the World is Not my responsibility, failing to see that I am a piece of the World manifested and I am Here and as such it must be my responsibility to STOP the existence of me as The Mind and return to the Physical in and as Breath, where Equality and Oneness already exists to show us what are we supposed to aim for, as a system of Equals, Equally supporting Each Other to walk out of the Mind, to restore dignity to Existence and Life as One Breathing Organism, united, indivisible, understanding that doing what is Best for All is best for Me, because any Lousy Dirty Kids in existence is ME and I can never be more than the lowest manifested part of this existence, until I STOP and stand for Life Equal and One.

I commit myself to investigate where and when I see that I separate myself from a physical manifestation within existence, to look for the source of my separation within my Mind, so I can Self Correct myself until I no longer exist in Fear as Separation from the Whole

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing memories of the past of my Life experience to determine who and what I am and what I can or cannot do as I walk to deconstruct myself all the way to nothingness because it's only on a clean slate that we will be able to rewrite a world as us that is Best for All in Equality and Oneness

I commit myself to stand for the kids of this existence every time I see an opportunity to interact with them to STOP myself as the indoctrination of New Life into a system of Abuse as Self Abuse, made of judgements, ideas and opinions that we keep passing on regardless of the fact that we are living the physical evidence that our knowledge and information is in fact flawed, or it would NOT have created a flawed world such as the One we live in

I commit myself to support myself as the physical, to keep stopping myself from going into the Mind, understanding that I am walking a process in which I have to be patient with myself and that I can see I have gained more space for myself as Breath during the day as I write myself out of all the bullshit of my existence that I believed to be 'Life" and that I must not allow discouragement as it took me a long time to automate myself into ready personalities and Characters that I can just step into so as to not have to in fact assess my participation in each and every moment of Breath, but I see that this awareness of ourselves in and as Breath is what is required for Change, as Change won't happen in and as The Mind, since the Mind is what we are living out into this utter disgrace, and to STOP the Mind we won't be able to THINK about how to STOP IT, but we will have to walk away from it, Breath by Breath as we correct ourselves on the Way Out, to bring about a World that is Best for All in Equality and Oneness in the Physical as Breath.

I committ myself to support myself to Change to stop my participation in and as the Mind, so that as I stand as the Self Correction of the inequality I have become, to allow another brick of the system to move back into and as the support of a New System that will support All Life Equally, as the Equal Money System, and to give up what I Self Honestly don't need to support this Change with Money, as I see, realize and understand that it would be foolish to believe that we can Change a Money System without Money or to not recognize that Money is the way through which we are voting this World in place, by our very own decision, acceptance and allowance of letting the System be ruled by a Free Market Economy, deciding that nothing but our desires should be shaping the World, and yet we fail to see that moving only towards our desires is leaving someone without their needs fulfilled as they starve homeless to bring into the World other Dirty Lousy Kids they cannot care for, for which we are All Responsible and One and Equal to, as we have to remind ourselves that since we are ONE, the Delusion that the lowest parts of Creation are separate from Us, it's just that, an Utter Ridiculous Delusion of Our Sick Divisive Mind.

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Day 120: I am Awake - Not A Wake

When and as I see myself desiring to take a nap, to oversleep, to just close my eyes and not be Here, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I can only be Awake or A Wake, waiting for My Death as The Solution instead of seeing and realizing that I am The Solution when I am Awake and Not A Wake

I commit myself to not give in to the desire to sleep when I am not in fact physically tired as I change my routine to sleep my 6 hours every night and stop indulging in sleep as a reward that only keeps me looping into the Mind as the "Wake me up when it's All Over Character”

When and as I see myself trying to stay in my zombie sleepy state going to the toilet so I can return to bed telling myself I was half asleep, I stop, Breathe, tell myself that if I am half asleep I must be half awake as well and stand as the directive principle to get going without indulging in sleep that I do not need

I commit myself to sleep six hours per night and then get up and get moving as the directive principle of me and not as a Mind System that has to wait to move until the Mind says go, I commit myself to not be dependent on my mind when sleep is involved but to check if I am physically tired or if I am just looking for a Mind Break to not be Here and face a point, a moment that needs my attention so I can see who I am within that moment and how I wrote myself to be that 'Who I am' within that moment to Self Correct to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

When and as I see myself coming up with excuses about why I 'deserve ' to rest, as if rest was not a physical moment of rest but something I have earned after doing something else that I myself judged as cumbersome, I stop, Breathe, look at what I have defined as cumbersome so I can remove that judgement through Self Forgiveness as I realize it is me defining everything in my life within polarities and I see it as an opportunity to find a point of judgment and definition to release myself from it

I commit myself to stop the judgments and definitions of my activities and the division in easy and cumbersome, fun and boring, exciting and a drag, as those definitions invite/push me within the 'Wake Me up when It's All Over' Character as I desire to reward myself for something I myself judged as cumbersome, boring, a drag, or whatever other negative charged definition I have placed on a task that I then desire to balance out with the positively charged 'napping time', and within this I forgive myself for charging the ‘napping time’ positively and remove that charge for good as I define napping time as NT necessary, not positive or negative, unless required by my body.

When and as I see myself coming up with excuses and justifications about why a nap is actually due, I stop, Breathe, see that it's another of one of my clever mindfuck with which I hope to find the right excuse to drift away, to not be Here and so stopping dreading to Be Here as the polarity of the ex positively charged napping time is rewarded and within this I forgive myself for having labeled, defined, thought of, spoken of, being Here as being Aware as something I do not like to do from which I found thousands of escaping routes, just because being Here was not providing the Energetic fix I have grown accustomed to and defined Life, instead I see and realize that I am just getting used to myself as Self expression that is not motivated or pushed around by Energy and that there is nothing More of Me and Nothing More of Here to look for, because Me Here in and as Breath is All There IS.

I commit myself to embrace myself and my self expression as being Here in and as Breath outside of Energetic movements and push overs so I can come to know myself and who I am as Self Expression as Life, for What is Best for All for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One 

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Day 105: Parenting/Patterning - Just One Cross of Separation

P A R E N T I N G

P A T E R N I N G

with one 'T' left over . The Tau, as it's named in the Greek Alphabet, or the Cross.

In Italy we are familiar with this symbol, it is the Cross chosen by saint Francis of Assisi, the monk that started the Franciscan order of renunciation, renouncing possessions, any possessions to go back to Jesus Teachings of Equality and Oneness.

So we could say that the Tau is The Choice, the Choice to Pattern our Children as Ourselves, regardless of how poorly we can in self honesty see we came out, or renouncing that Choice, giving up our Possessions as Parents to allow Life to live, to stop the Patterning of Life into infinity, creating the same broken patterns of Characters Interpretation from one generation to the next.

Two days ago I was sitting with my mum, as I said she is now 'fearing' my going away, she is aware of this fear, yet what she was 'jocking about' is that when I will be far away again, nobody will help me clean the oven burnt peppers like she was doing.   Imagine that.. and tremble :)

It was a weird moment because I saw both, the potential to laugh, which I took regardless of what she was really saying, or the potential to depattern myself from what she has passed on to me, as a joke or as something serious, menacing, the Fear of Aloneness, that she herself lives and that she can do nothing about, according to her, but pass on to me. 

In fact in her mind, she means and has always meant well, Her Intent was Good, to prepare me for the ugliness of the world, for everything I will have to face, the untrustworthy Humanity, the sadness, the pain an the abuse and the Aloneness, that Hole that sucks All of us in, for which no one has found resolution if not to warn the new ones coming into the World, beware my Child, Aloneness will haunt you until you Die.

So, FamiLies, hold their children not through Love, but through Fear, the most 'successful' relationships are the ones in which the children are so fucked up by fears that they don't go away from their parents, in Italy we have a phenomenon called "Mammismo", meaning Mama's Boys, we blame the Boys for not having made the jump out of the nest, but where lies the accountability of Parents, of their Patterning Fears into their children, so BIG and scary that staying close to them remains the Only Choice, The Cross, The Choice, The Cross, how many choices are we making as Free Human Beings ?

If All Our Choices are still driven by fears, how can we stand up for one another if Survival of the Fittest has been driven into the Flesh of each Child as The Cross to Bear, that Equality is just no longer considered as Equality implies that everyone gets to survive, that we give up the Winner/Loser Game for What is Best for All, why are parents passing on their diseases to their Children and call their dis-eases LOVE ?

Why are Parents not seeing that in order to Change this World and allow each One to face the Only Choice there is, Life or Illusion, they have to rid themselves of their dis-eased Minds of Patterns so as to NOT pass them on, because what we call genetics is in fact just the shuffling around of what WAS into what IS, to never allow what IS to just BE, but tampering with every new Life that comes to this planet to cripple them in our own image and likeness, until they too participate as we do in this system without asking too many questions or having the 'preposterous' idea that things CAN CHANGE, because we'll teach YOU, THEY CAN'T, STOP THIS NONSENSE DEAR.

Today I have listened to 2 Eqafe Interviews, One was called "Compromising Dreams for Money", in this interview someone who belonged to an Elite family shares how his Life Path was predesigned for him to follow into the footsteps of the ones that came before. he had the privilege of Money, meaning he did not have to fear for his survival every day of his Life, yet he could not just live his Expression or what he would have liked to be and express because 'there was a Life ready for him to be lived out', footsteps had been left for him to walk into, there was no Choice, just THAT Choice his family had designed for him. In our 'Money smaller' lives, we have all gone through the same points, the difference between me and him is that he knew he loved to paint, I don't know what I love to do, I love organizing, is this Me or a Pattern I live out ? A Parent I live out ? Because when I look at my mum she loves organizing too, she gets great satisfaction from organizing, me I just do it, enjoy the feeling of 'task completed' but was this my dream, my self expression ?

Hardly, the oldest memory I have of expressing what I would have loved to do was to be a veterinary, then since I did not enjoy schooling and my family could not support me until I was old at University I had to find something else I 'enjoyed' within the Money bracket in which we were confined by the World System. My mum said I would have to work to live, she did, my grandma did, she told me that unless I was born lucky into a rich family I would have to work to live, to pay to live. She never actually questioned if it is normal to PAY for YOUR LIFE, BUT she passed on the knowledge, this is what we do, within our Caste we work for a living, please get it and tag along.

The second interview I listened to was How Addiction to Suffering and Pain Killed Me, this too is a pattern I have lived, not dead yet, but the pattern of suffering and pain existed within my family, in my teenage years I would almost look for it, as a way to feel alive, because for certain having been patterned into a Caste that has to PAY to stay alive is not something to look forward to for the rest of your Life and slipping into self Pity and Victimization as a Family Pattern is a cool choice, if the Pattern has been passed on and provided by Loving Family members as the best 'thrills' I can get for FREE.

So, really, where is the LOVE, why do we keep kidding ourselves instead of just looking at Reality in the Face, moving out from the polarity of good and bad, accept to see the World AS IT IS, so we can stop and Change ourselves to realign to the Only Choice we Have ever Had, Will I live for me in my Alone-ness or for ALL in my ALL-Oneness  to guarantee that I start to be the Creator of new patterns that will leave footsteps in which future generations can step into, until this Horror Show that we have put on comes to an end and Heaven will be manifested on Earth, as Life Equal and One for everybody and All of Existence.

Join the Journey to Life, De-pattern/De-parent Yourself to birth yourself as Life and to leave behind a better world than the One we found.