Day 24 Rotten Fruits - Fat or Skinny as a Value System Part 2

Last night I have listened to Anu's interview about the Human Picture, which ties in nicely with this point of appearance and how I got to value/devalue myself based on the way 'I look'.

"I Look" in Italian within this specific context is translated with "I seem", which is interesting, because my own Idea of me had little to nothing to do with 'looking' but more with 'seeming', I seemed Fat in my own eyes, the eyes I used to look at myself through my own Mind, based on the feedback and ideas of others about how a body should look/seem to be considered Fine.

I disliked pictures of me, as I never knew if the one taking them would 'see' me as I hoped to be seen, as in a way of looking Fine, or if they would disregard the fact that in a certain pose I looked Fat and I should have posed in another more slimming way, to immortalize myself at 'My Best' being there the chance that I could in fact be at My Worse within the polarity of my Mind and what is acceptable and not acceptable.

So I will now apply Self Forgiveness for this long standing pattern about Body Shape and acceptability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when I heard the word 'Fat" referred to me for the first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devalued and diminished when I heard the word Fat referred to me for the first time and for feeling such an intense surge of emotion of sorrow and shame that I had to cry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as 'different from other kids' since I have accepted and allowed the label Fat as me as something demeaning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take personally this idea of the school doctor regarding how a body should look like to be fine, and made it mine and then tried to live aligning to his picture and society's picture of the perfect body Shape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for believing I was Fat and and for feeling ashamed about believing I was Fat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate a negative charge to the word 'fat' according to how I have used it to make myself feel and believe I was less than others who I did not associate to the word 'Fat' and were therefore more than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the word Fat associated to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I had put on weight as a layering of suppressions regarding what was going on in my family and my own participation within and as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my family because everybody was overweight and I believed it was their fault that they had passed this pattern on to me, instead of seeing it was a point of Standing up in Self responsibility for what I accepted and allowed in and as myself as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be thin to have more value in separation from myself as Self Worth and Self Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable about eating most of my life as I connected Food not to a Life support , but to something to fear because I was scared I would take on the binging route and would not be able to stop when sitting down and eating as food was my first suppression tool of choice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself through and with Food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Food as a reward for my 'good behaviour' and as something soothing for my emotional turmoils instead od standing up in Self responsibility for what was going on inside of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to binge and throw up and for keeping all this life and food patterns hidden from others because of shame and fear of their judgement, instead of seeing I only and always feared my own judgement of myself as a picture-not-perfect image

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my food patterns and for feeling the shame of my own judgements as someone out of control and a slob

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself and my own life of suppression and or using  food cover ups as the lid that kept everything suppressed in layers of fat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as Self Expression and for blaming it on Food and the way I looked, believing that if I were thin I would not be suppressing myself, instead of realizing I was fat because I was suppressing myself into layers of judgements, ideas and beliefs and not viceversa

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend that I did not care about weight issues while I allowed myself to abuse myself with thoughts, emotions and feelings about food all day, being food and issues of fat and thin what most circulated and pre-occupied me as the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self expression to an image of myself that had to fit into certain parameters BEFORE I would alow myself to live as Self Expression Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt the first time my grandmother shouted 'hold in your stomach !' and for taking this point personally instead of seeing she feared the judgement of others about me as Fat that would reflect on Her as a poor caretaker and for this fear of dis-pleasing my grandmother I gave up breathing properly and myself as Breath as my concern to hold my stomach in became greater than my willingness to Breathe and Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge fat people as slobs and out of control as this was my own judgement of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was excessive and out of control and there was nothing I could do about it as all of my family displayed these traits, failing to see the excesses came from the shared patterns of my family regarding weight and a loss of self worth that I just took on and shared, and the excesses and loss of control were just the pattern of suppression that I failed to recognize as such within my family and myself equal and one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my family for passing on this 'invisible dis-ease' to me instead of seeing they did not know how not to, as they were the very dis-ease they passed on to me and I was always and only angry at myself for accepting and allowing myself to live one and equal to their patterns of suppression and behaviour

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my family for what I saw as a damaging life they imposed onto me instead of seeing I blamed them because I did not want to face my own responsibility in and as my participation and acceptance of patterns of suppression and their apparent 'solution' as in using food as a lid to keep everything down

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the pattern of Fat as a way to keep men away, that played out clearly within the women of my family as we were all unable to refuse a man's compliment and display of interest that would lead to a relationship, no matter if we wanted one or not or if we liked the man or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for worth and value in relationships to ptove to myself that I was not unworthy due to my patterns of thoughts, emotions and feelings and my weight issues instead of stopping the separation from me Here as Breath as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this pattern of diminishment of myself related to 'how I looked and fit in' all of my life as I did not know how to stand up and correct myself and feared talking about it to people who seemed out of control like me, which was mostly everyone, one way or another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my past as Fat, when for 3 years of my life I was very heavy and I did not want anyone to know about it because people around me may fear I could be fat again, like my mates, instead of seeing it was always me fearing to be fat again and having to go through the same self abuse I put myself through when I was fat and ugly, according to my own judgement of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as an image and a picture instead of accepting myself as Life Here in every moment of Breath, even though my body is Here in self forgiveness showing me how it is done to start anew in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body through food, thoughts, feelings and emotions about food all my life because I did not believe I deserved to let go of what I took on as the sins of the father as it seemed disloyal to walk away from family patterns and teachings, no matter how damaging they were

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my family as abnormal because I felt abnormal and looked for someone else to blame about what was going on in and as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when my mum sent me to a Weight Management Facility in summer to get a hold of my weight problem because I felt Fat and believed I had to be corrected to become acceptable, instead of seeing my mum was offering a solution she did not have personally, as she walked the same 'image problems and perceptions', to something she had realized had become a problem for me and was leading to extensive suppression in me and my desire to no longer socialize as I felt I did not fit in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy to find people who were way Fatter than me inside this Weight Management Hospital so I could feel good about myself being the skinniest of them all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel better when skinny than when fat and for judging myself as more 'valuable' as skinny than as fat, instead of realizing it was just a picture presentation of myself I was giving in to, as the way I liked others to see me as slim, to which I gave more value than me as Self, living Here in and as simplicity in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my picture presentation and my image of myself has more worth and value than me and for believing the Image Presentation of myself or others to be Real, instead of seeing it is this desire to uphold the Image Presentation of myself and others that prevents me from seeing Life Here in everybody, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the judgement of others of me as Fat, instead of seeing it was always and only my own judgement that I feared and I wished to hide and suppress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'weight myself down' with thoughts and imaginary issues about weight and my worth within the weight system, where I gave myself more value the thinner I was and less value the Fatter I was inside an idiotic mind game of value of myself as a picture while I wasted my Breaths of Life lost in my mind of Polarity regarding weight issues

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself as being able to address this point of weight management as me being stable to the point that I moved to Thailand feeling safer there where there were weight management facilities where I could fast and do colonics, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could never get over this point and I may just as well find ways to manage the consequences of my self abuse, instead of standing up in self honesty regarding why I kept abusing myself, take responsibility, realize that as I created this behavioral pattern there must be ways I could change it, and walk the correction to stop the Self Abuse, for myself as existence, equal and one.

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into weight/fat thoughts about myself or others, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am not a Picture nor are others and I refuse to value a picture world above Life

When and as I see myself worrying about the way I look, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the way I look is the way I seem to myself in any given moment and I stop looking at myself in self hatred and self judgement for my looks and the way I fit into an imaginary picture world of my own creation

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into suppression of myself that might move me into using food as the lid to keep everything down, I stop, breathe, check that I a clear and express myself in the out breath, because as I learn to express and no longer suppress I will stop looking for tools to suppress myself in and as, like food or substances

I commit myself to nurture my body with food and with the same respect I want to see manifested in the outer world of which I am a Creator, Equal and One

I commit myself to investigate and find ways to support my body and to eradicate all the thoughts feelings and emotions that I have stored and with which I have burdened myself in and as the physical, so I can start to walk the same life of dignity I want for everybody else as it is What is best for All Life, Equal and One.