Day 39: The Courage to Live

Yesterday Creation's Journey to Life Blog was about 'The Courage to Live'.

As it has happened to me in the past weeks, some of  'Creation's Blogs' build up like Opera inside of me, to an escalating point, and like the Opera, they always lead to tears.

Mostly they show me where and how I have not been on this planet at all, how I have managed to 'walk like an Egyptian' through existence, turning both cheeks whenever necessary because I lacked 'the Courage to Live'.

I am not faulting myself or others for this, we had no examples of what 'living' meant for real and how we could work toward that, yet, the simple realization that I have lacked the courage to Live and that I have used the word Courage in separation from me to express ludicrous Acts of Evil, like Courageous Acts of Wars or martyrdom or being eaten by lions as Courage, brought me to tears.

Yet with a bit of common sense I could have seen that the Courage to do as you are told, like going to war or being eaten by lions for an ideal that was never ours but implanted is not Courage but submission, martyrdom is just another act of submission to the religious system, self flagellation is an act of submission and fear, mostly all the acts of Courage I have valued and connected to the word 'Courage' were in facts acts of Fear, as martyrs saw their sacrifice as a chance to get good grades and into Heaven in Fear of the Afterlife, and acts like self flagellation were the self punishment to get ahead of the game in fear of Hell, being eaten by lions, well, this was in fact not a choice since it seems that after the Romans we have not kept up the practice to show our Courage, so going into an Arena to be eaten by lions was like war, something we were told we had to do, it was that or death, stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Yet, the biggest Courage I have had to summon in my life was to stand up in and as self correction in and as the Mind, when I realized I was in fact a living example of Self Abuse, and as I had already worked out that We are the Creator of Our Own reality, I had to wonder, where was my Self Abuse going if not into the manifestations of the Abuses of the World ?

How is it possible to BeLieve that we create the good only, just because We Want It ? Then WHO is creating the ugliness of the world ? This is a point worth investigating, because it's not What We Do that determines who we are, it's Who We Are that determines What We Do.

"I commit myself to be Courageous in challenging with Common Sense every point where abuse of Life has become the justified way of Life of the human race.

I commit myself to the Courage to Live.'

These were the sentences that yesterday drove me to tears, the first one because I realized how little common sense I have applied in my Life regarding the point of questioning the Abuses of this world and how much I did to not want to look at what was going on, and the second for it's simplicity, a commitment to the Courage to Live, that is no small feat since I realized that I am not Alive Yet and I never was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it takes courage to die, when in fact it takes courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Living and for hiding in and as The Mind throughout my life without ever giving myself a chance to experience Life in the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Courage is shown in the face of Fear, which disqualifies me from having ever been courageous having always Feared living and not having stood up for and as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Brave Ones are the ones that dare to do what I don't dare to do, like dying, because I feared dying and no longer existing and yet I feared living and having to make the Decision of Who I Am and Who I Want to Be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave back doors for myself from which I believe I may one day escape Process instead of seeing I have stood up for Life and there is no going back and leaving backdoors only shows my half assed commitment because I have never committed full heartedly to anything because I lacked the Courage to do so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that going to the Army and to War, dying for God and What You Believe in, and displaying a carelessness for Life vs ideas, opinions and beliefs was an act of Courage instead of seeing, it takes Courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sleeping my afternoons away or not engaging fully in Life is a treat, instead of seeing this is my way of showing that I rather not be Here and face myself full time until I can stand up and Live but fade away into spaces of oblivion that I use to re-ward myself for having done something that I am supposed to do like writing my daily Blog

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress judgements about myself that led me to laziness instead of looking for the starting point of my judgements so I may release them and become more effective at my daily participation of myself in and self correction to stand up as Life for Life, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life as who I am and what I have become, because it looks like such a monumental task to deconstruct myself as the busy bee that I have been into building up all my honey cells in which I could imprison myself so I would not have to stand up and commit myself to the Courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for how I have lived and what I have become in relation to my carelessness for a world of suffering, a world that is me as All There Is and my Creation as the suppression of everything of me I have separated myself from, instead of for-giving myself step by step to release myself and others from my participation in and as The Mind which is a monstrosity of backchats and polarities that I have allowed myself to accumulate to the point that I believe I lack the courage to face it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Living is a burden and that I wished to not be alive because I never understood what was the purpose of this mockery of life we call existence until I met Desteni and then it took me months to build up the courage to create enough capacity inside of me to be able to grasp how it is that we exist as we exist and what is required from each one of us to be done to change ourselves and the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don't have the courage to read Heaven's Blogs because I feel so disheartened by both the amount of information and the implications of what this existence really means and what we have done through eons of time to build up this shithole called existence in which we now find ourselves as the Manifested Consequence of our separation from Life, Oneness and Equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may lack the Courage to look at reality and what we have created without wanting to just kill myself and be done with it all because it's too big and convoluted and how are we gonna get out of this is still unknown to me, instead of seeing I have had other points I lacked the capacity to take on board at the beginning, like Veno's Structural Resonance explanation, but now that I am on lesson 10 of my DIP and I went back to the Resonance Information, I am not as scared and I have in fact created capacity inside of me through Self Forgiveness to be able to see and take on more responsibility for Creation and my part in it, so I have to accept it's a process, and processes don't have quantum leaps, unless they are delusions of the Mind, as this process has to be walked backward in time, until I will see how I have created myself into this point of extensive all encompassing separation and one point of separation at the time I am able to Self Correct through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective application while I keep walking to Birth myself as Life into the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life to the point that  created fake personalities to pretend to live and never be bothered by the question 'is this Life' because my personalities were created around the ideas and beliefs I made up about what living is and my acceptance and allowance that I better accept things as they are and make the most of it or I would just destroy myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that when I feared destroying myself I feared the end of the existence of me as the Mind Consciousness System to which I gave up my power to be the Self Directive Principle of my Life because I embraced the idea that I had a path laid out for me, which was nothing else than my preprogrammed life in which I walked into without asking questions, given that my preprogrammed life was not as bad as the life of some others on the planet and I could 'live' with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel victimized by this Creation when I saw the extent to which this Mind enslavement has taken us and theTraps we have walked into that I have accepted and allowed to define WHO I AM, instead of seeing I was always the only one brutalizing myself through my own participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions, the trinity of Creation of the delusions of my Mind that I then walked into physical reality, desiring to blame my life and what I accepted and allowed myself to become on others so I would not have to take self responsibility and stand up to as Life to start to Live and not to think and imagine I was living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not Brave/Courageous, because I would have NEVER died for God, instead of seeing that one point as a moment of Sanity in my Life in which I saw through the deception of existence and I rathered Live than Die for an Imaginary Heaven Abiding Hateful Spiteful Merciless Creator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my courage by my willingness to die for some 'cause' meaning be-cause someone said it would be a good idea, going to war, being a martyr or being eaten by lions, instead of realizing that Courage is not in the willingness to die but in the Self Will to Live, to stand up and stop my own existence as a robotic preprogrammed unit of self destruction and destruction, accepting that I do have the power to change and that since I have just lived out programs, that I have written myself through my acceptances and allowances of my de-finitions of ME, about who I was, it will be a matter of deleting these programs through self-forgiveness and rewriting me, having the Courage to rewrite myself on the nothingness I am aiming for so that I can become Self Honesty and build myself as Self Trust and Self Worth and become the foundation in and as the new world that I wish to be and be a part of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what B. writes, because we started with a 7 year project, that became 14 and now we are at 28 years to change the world, and I fear if I keep reading we'll get to 56 and then 112 as it seems to go up exponentially and I fear I may not have the courage to participate in a project that is like planting a Date Tree for which who plants it will never see the bearing of the fruits, instead of seeing I don't need the courage to project myself to the end of this project, but just the Courage to stand up Daily, like they say at the AA meetings, because I am an energy junkie in recovery, one day at the time will do, one step at the time will do, One Breath at the time will build up Breaths that I have spent and invested in Life and Breaths count and if they won't count for me they will count for those that come after me, as me, One and Equal, to no longer have to live in and as a Debt System, but be liberated and have a chance to be born free in a world of support for All, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I may lack the Courage to Live, because I never lived and I am not even sure if I need Courage to Live or I need courage to stop pretending to be Alive according to my idea and beliefs and opinions of what being alive is, so I can Live

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of living and desire to just sleep as a treat, in which I accept and allow myself to believe that sleeping is in fact better than living because I am NOT Here, and I don't have to face the truckload of shit I have accumulated and called my Human Experience because I fear the judgement of how much I have to clear due to my own self judgement of how much I have fucked up, so I stop myself from judging my fuck ups as more than others, in a slimy attempt to find worth and moreness in the negative side, having failed at the positive side, and accept that we are in fact All Equally fucked in and as the Mind, no one is special even in the fuckedupness, so I can see and realize that my walk is no different from the walk of others out of a Human Experience as a system of abuse and I no longer want to live in and as that, and that Courage is in Breathing, Here, and so I bring myself back  HERE consistently, I will myself back here as the Self Directive Principle of me and no longer as a Puppet of Energy and the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into autopilot of the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions, I stop,  Breathe, remind myself, autopilot is a design of Fear, and fear doesn't make good designs nor designs that are based on What is Best for All or what is Best for me and that I have decided to stop my abdication of Self Responsibility to Autopilot and get back at the helm of my life and that I have to accept that sometime I may catch myself already into autopilot but the Breathing will disengage me and bring me back Here to live as the Self Directive Principle of my Life, where I can embrace myself wherever I am and stand up in and as Courage to start living and standing in and as Life, Equal and One.

I commit myself to be Courageous in challenging with Common Sense every point where abuse of Life has become the justified way of Life of the human race.

I commit myself to the Courage to Live.'