Day 41: I kill Ants, my Neighbours kill pigeons, the Vatican kills Popes, who is better ?

I watched a documentary yesterday on the History Channel about Pope John Paul I, the Pope that lived only 33 days and whose memory has been quickly swept under the holy carpet in case someone should question how an healthy Man who was relatively young and fit could die suddenly and then be rushed to be embalmed 5 hours after his death.

Not that it makes a difference because Popes cannot be subject to autopsy, this is a clever prevention Law that was set in place long time ago, even before the church had a Pope coming straight from the Borgia lineage that was named Alexander VI, yes we had a Borgia Pope, Alexander VI was widely known as a corrupt and manipulative pope, scheming for his family's benefit. Many claim that the Papacy reached its greatest moral decline of the Renaissance during his pontificate, but it is not true, he just did not have the good taste to keep everything hidden and secret, something they have remedied throughout ages managing to manipulate every record and history book that may have made look bad.

If you have that kind of power on the planet, Temporal and Secular, you need some Insurance policy, some back up in case something goes terribly wrong, like a Pope who may get the unfortunate idea to expose the Masonic connections of the Vatican and do some spring cleaning.

At the time of the death of this Pope Cardinal Marcinkus was head of the Vatican Bank, it is well known that the Vatican Bank has ties with the Mafia and that it is used for the laundering of the Mafia Money and other illegal activities.

When Calvi, who was another banker that mingled with Marcinkus and the Vatican State was found hanging from a London bridge Called the Black Friar bridge, the links to the Vatican and why he had to die were quiet evident, deliberately evident in fact to those who could read the signs, they were a warning to never ever fuck with the Vatican, because they could have you hang from a bridge in London with your pockets full of bricks and have the case dismissed as a suicide

The prosecutor of this case and journalist who followed this track were also found dead.

Vatican Inc. will not be taken down by a stupid Pope who just had some weird ideas of what the purpose of an organization that should stand for the people was, as Marcinkus said, The Vatican doesn't run on 'hail Marys', and in fact, if you check out the wealth of this ridiculously small state that was given absolute power by Mussolini you will see that they not only do not run on Hail Marys, but they are far from trusting this world or this creation and have piled up quite a loot, for rainy days to come.

Yesterday My neighbour, a frail looking lady who goes to Church on Sundays, told me that a pigeon had come into the common landing where we have no plants or anything that could make us territorial, yet he left a small shit on the floor and so she decided to put some bread dipped in chlorine as she remembered a caretakers telling her that this is how he got rid of pigeons. I stood there saying nothing, she and her husband were waiting for my congratulations on a plan well laid out, yet I found this quite revolting, out of the movie 'Arsenic and Old lace', what was it to us this pigeon coming in searching for cover during the 2 days of extensive bad weather we had. When they left I removed the poisonous bread and went back to my apartment, leaving poisonous bread for a pigeon whose only fault was a little shit on the landing seemed a bit of an overkill, the punishment was above and beyond the crime. The clumsy Borgia living next to me will possibly forgive me for interfering.

A week ago, I wanted to write about my relationships to Ants in my kitchen, and how I feel every time I kill one and have to face that I cannot even respect an ant that doesn't shit around, bite or poses any threat to me, my safety or my home, but just comes to see if there is something for her to eat, my building may even have been their home once yet I have not been able to find common sense solutions to my living with other creatures of the world, just because I hold ideas and beliefs of where ants should live and how they should accept their placement in the world, just like me, I have lived a slave life and I take it out on the smaller creatures of the planet, I am a Bully.

So what is the link between me, my pigeon killing neighbours and the Pope killing Vatican ? Apparently none, yet there is a common thread linking all of us, we just do what we have to do to get our way, if I were  my bored neighbours I may see the plotting to poison a pigeon as the highlight of my week and if I were in charge of the finances of an Empire, well, it seems clear that I would do what the Vatican does, would get rid of anyone in my way to get my way, because an ant, a pigeon or a Pope, they all just represent what stands between ourselves and the way we want things to work out, no matter who has to die, we'll get the job done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be revolted by the Vatican and what they have done through History, instead of seeing and facing the fact that if I were them I would have done everything required to have my way and get things done to save myself and my position in the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the Vatican as a bunch of criminals failing to see I am a criminal myself who abuses Life, I just have only access to the small plot in this system, like sterminating ants and not to the big ones like killing Popes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the Vatican for what it represents, failing to see that I can only hate myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest such system of control and abuse in and within my unwillingness of taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for my participation in and as this system of abuse, where I can see myself in and as the Mind go to any necessary lenght to fulfil my desires and experiences, uncaring of the consequences or how my participation may affect others and the world, because I have not been willing to stand in and as Self responsibility for myself as the whole, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have vicious and nasty Thoughts when someone 'fucked with me' likw the vatican does, and for accepting and allowing myself to engage thoughts and desires of spitefulness and revenge that I have lived One and Equal to me in my desire to get even or to inflict the same harm I perceived was inflicted onto me, without considering that Thoughts manifest and that I have infact kept fuck all secret because I can look at the world and what is manifested without to see myself within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in Secret Thoughts of My Secret Mind, creating alternate realities, events and manifested consequences that I then had to live out, failing to see my own creation at work displayed in fron of me for me to walk as manifested consequence and instead of stopping myself I built an existence of denial and separation, trying to separate more and more from the manifested consequences of me as me so I would not have to face me as the Creator of this shithole I have turned my existence into and the world One and Equal to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy when my granddad dog would attack anyone wearing a black robe and therefore all priests in sight, because I saw them as one of the sources of Evil of my country/the world and believed they should be attacked and taken down, when I am in fact the same source of Evil in and as the Mind within a system of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be willing to forgive the Vatican and for feeling irritation every time something related to the Vatican comes up because I don't want to face the same Evil that exists inside of me in smaller scale, just because I have not had access to the bigger scale plays of this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to forgive my Evil existence as a point of self righteousness so I can stand above the Vatican and those who I judge as worse than me and get to feel better about myself than how I would feel if I admitted to my Evil to self forgive it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself so I can stand self righteous and self fucked in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that killing is measured in grades, like ants are less important than pigeons, and pigeons less important than Popes and within this accepting that Life has grades of value, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in every living expression of the Planet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and  believe that they should just place a bomb in that filthy institution that the Vatican is and stands for, without seeing that my desire to place a bomb for the good against evil makes me a murderer not less than the Vatican people because there is no good reason to take someone's life or to suppress any life expression just so I can have my way and id the world of the reflection of the Evil of who I am and have accepted and allowed myself to become so I won' have to face it and stand up in self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel righteous when I felt disgusted with my neighbours for wanting to kill a pigeon when I am an Ant serial killer and it is not the dimension of the life we suppress that defines us but the desire to suppress and the reasons we make up to have it our way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove the poisoned bread my neighbours left for the pigeon so I could judge them as being more scum of the earth than me and I could feel better about myself while I stood in the self righteousness of me 'doing the right thing'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself when I kill ants because I play in my mind a whole story of maybe having killed the parents and now the baby ants may be left orphans and then I imagine is the baby ants coming back to the sink looking for their family, failing to realize I am just using stories to fuck with myself and my mind because feeling good about killing ants makes me believe I am Human and have compassion in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow that anything goes for me to have my way and that if I have to kill so be it, because this makes me no different than the Vatican or my clumsy Borgia neighbours, we just took on the tasks we had within the context we live to express the same absolute point, there is nothing we would not do to have it our way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and exist as a self interest machine, only interested in how I can make things work for me, uncaring of finding ways to live and coexist with others on this planet that is not mine alone but of all living forms that share it, in ways that are Best for All and not just best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project on the Vatican all the Evil of the world in my mind, so I would not have to look at the Evil I myself exist in and as, and change myself so as to no longer live on the Autopilot of my Life of Self Interest, but be the correction of myself that I want to see in this world, where I stand in and as Life, in and as What is best for All, stopping all judgements and ideas of who is better and who is worse in this existence where there are no better or worse but All equally responsible for what is here that needs to be addressed and corrected inside of me so the world may change as a reflection of me and my new stance in and for What is Best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to compare my own Evil to the Evil of others and come out a winner as in less Evil than others which gives me reasons and justifications of why is it not required of me to change, because there is worse out there, instead of seeing we are Equally Worse as each one of us as maxed up Evil within their own sphere of influence and world placement and that my participation in and as the Mind makes me One and Equal to everything that exists all the way to the lowest point of this Creation, until I stand in Self Honesty, and change from the lowest point of me, One and Equal, and return myself to Life as Life for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of a religious institution that embodies our unwillingness to become self responsible for this creation and for abdicating to them my power to stand as the Self Correction this world will manifest once I self Correct, because I rathered blame them for what I have become because of my brainwashing as a child, instead of seeing I accepted and allowed the brainwashing because I rathered be brainwashed into believing that someone else was responsible than stand in Self Honesty and Self responsibility to look at this world mirroring me back to me so I can see how and where and when I abuse myself and I can stop to stop all abuses of this World One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the teaching of me as a sinner, an intrinsically faulty human being as being 'only human' accepting that I would never be able to stand in and as the correction that is required in this world, making myself Equal to everything that exist, to stop the separation of me from existence that I cannot change as me unless I become it first, stopping my judgements, ideas and opinions, the memories and feelings and emotions that I have created and then stored and lived in and as me that prevent me from being Here in every moment of Breath where change as me can be accumulated in time and where I can take back everything that I have created, accepted and allowed to manifest in self interest and separation to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

When and as I see myself trying to make myself MORE than others in my goodness or LESS than others in my Evilness, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that Equality already exists although in a twisted way as the Mind in which we are all Equally fucked and that there is no point to participate any longer in competitions about who has been the Evilest, since we have all done our very best within our participation of acceptances and allowances in and as the Mind, instead I Breathe, remind myself I am stopping my existence of separation and competition in and as the Mind in which I have to prove that I am more, fearing to be less, and bring myself back Here consistently in and as Breath, to stop existing as a Mind Consciousness System and birth myself as Life into the physical

I commit myself to stop judging others, projecting blame on others and instead take responsibility for myself, my thoughts, words, feelings and emotions so I can stand in Self Correction until I am no longer separate but Equal and One to existence as Life to manifest a system that is Best for All as a reflection of myself and my effective Self-Forgiveness for myself and All as One and Equal.