Day 168: Born Corrupted - Character

So, something opened up and I need to address this point by taking a break from my Marriage Walk.

The point of Money.

We are probably not aware about How deep the Money Rabitt Hole goes, we don't want to be aware because if we did we would have to turn back a few steps and swallow some of the words we have spoken about others and this system regarding the unimportant role Money plays in everyone's, everyday life and our own corruption and corruptibility.

So, within 48 hours I have been offered Money twice, once from a guy I don't know and once from my ex husband to start a project for which he would take a share if I accepted.

What I have noticed in both instances has been the anticipation when the words 'I can give you Money' were spoken in two different contest, something similar to the Pavlov effect and the salivation, I went into salivation. Not only, I had a shift, I actually saw myself morph into the 'Corruptible' Character, which is a canny persona that comes with a calculator and a whole truckload of well rehearsed excuses on how from there onward, it is imperative to weight my words on the Money scale before expressing myself and How I am going to present whatever it is that could bring me money in the best possible light, it's just 'Normal', it's the way we do things, what's wrong with that? I became 'nicer' after both offered/promised me money, but wouldn't that too be normal, I mean they were so nice, kind, considerate (wink wink), I am going to return the favor and be nice, agreeing with what they say, turn down the 'standing firm' a notch, will make them feel good about themselves, I KNOW how to play this game, TRUST ME.

The result was that I then felt shame and guilt, at first I thought it was because I had a secret desire in both cases that you never know, something was there for me to grab, but this is not the point of shame and guilt, that was because I morphed and left the building, leaving the stage to my Corruptible Character and so I experienced myself as having given up on me for Money, for the rush and that moment of projections and fantasies in which I saw myself all settled and buckled up, having my nest to feel safe and not have to live in constant worry which I have to say, it's just another habit because at the moment I do have enough to survive, I don't yet have enough to repay my debts or start a business, yes if I had that money it would be better, but I can build up to earning again, I just have to shake off this loser suite and get moving. So the shame for shifting and leaving myself behind, the guilt because this would be the easy route out, the Money route, the Energy route, when I get that positive 'all is well' feeling that can only be determined by Money, or so I accepted and allowed myself to believe, because I had it, lived it and there is nothing so far that has kept me safe and warm like a Money blanket that guarantees that I have enough for my future.

Interesting that when I had the Money I would preach that Money is NOT necessary, you need LOVE (pfff) and good thoughts and then the Money comes to you, the Universe is always looking after us, in total denial that without Money I would not have been able to lead the life I led, not even close, and that preaching that Money is NOT important and we can do without it in THIS World, is just our attempt to disengage from Money and Materialism but guess what, here we are, smack in the Middle of it, As it.

So, basically, what I want to say to myself is 'fuck off' for all the beliefs I held in disconnection from reality regarding Money, but I want to extend the same 'fuck off' to all the others, who insist on denying that whatever they are living is Thanks to Money, if they have a roof over their head, food on the table, access to internet (some claim to not pay that, they must own the communication company or have bought a satellite or whatever they did originally to Not pay it, and it involved Money), access to a computer, to an education, to healthcare, to transport and to the privately owned world resources, this unfortunately in many countries includes water, YOU NEED MONEY and that denying this is just a way to separate ourselves into 'I'm above it all, I left it all behind' and yet we leave the whole world behind with that, it's not that unplugging from the system makes the system deflate or shows the way to others, NO, because the unplugged ones have the resources to unplug from the system -yes that are bought with Money- and so while preaching that Life with No Money is possible and denying the point of Money in the world because we can convince people that 'they don't need it', 'come on, it's just a tool for evaluation, what? They won't give you food and water? Tell them, money is NOT important, it's not REAL, you can live without, try harder, you haven't put your all into it, it's clear, look at me I live without, don't I? yes of course I own my house, my land, my well, my solar panels, my satellite, my computer, but so what? YOU don't Need these things!!!!!!!!! '

'Don't be swayed by the Money delusion, the point is that we were born in a world where resources are owned, this is the truth. Money is not the problem, beLIEve me, what? You say they don't give you access to the water system, there is the SEA it's free for ALL, get one of these desalinating implants, you just have to invest once, oh don't tell me this Money story again, keep Gd in your heart, this life it's a test, we are just moving through, we are insignificant, Heaven is waiting, and for the money, if you insist, a bank will lend it to you, try the microcredit, they lend to anyone, or loan sharks, they too don't need your credit rate, after that you will see, you have access to water, OK you live far from the SEA, what about the sewage system, now there are chemicals you can put in ANY water and it's drinkable again, yes they cost money but not too much, come on, don't focus on the money all the time, there is plenty of bridges offering FREE accommodation from harsh weather, you can knit for yourself some jumpers and blankets with grass, it's free, knitting classes are free, or get down to some charity, rich people change their clothes at every season, even more, every MONTH, some will only wear something once, you get virtually NEW stuff if you go to the Salvation Army places, you'll find something that fits, if you live in the city get a list of the shelters, I mean there is SO MUCH you can do without Money, BE CRE-A-TIVE, this is my tip'

And for the other side that has intellectualized why they have a right to their Money because they worked hard for it, I just want to say NO YOU DIDNT, 'WE DIDN'T', the people I talk to are/were all white collars, we spent at best long hours at well light up air-conditioned/heated offices for which we were royally rewarded, we had an expense account, paid accommodation and transport, so just to be particular, working hard is what they do in China a menial, killer job that repeats into infinity, standing for hours until the veins in the legs pop and your feet swell to elephant size, being timed for how fast and how many pieces you can do in 1 hour, or, hard working is in a mine, in the dark with little air for most of your life for a tuppence, or nothing at all as in the case of slaves and /or children that just get food and a place to sleep, and when you go on strike they shoot your friends and then incriminate you for disturbance of public order as it just happened in South Africa, or prostitution with men you would never want to have sex with, that beat you up, pay you extra money for a condom free fuck, that you can't refuse because you have the rent to pay, your children school, you can't read or write and will never have access to the Money system unless you allow it to fuck you, literally, so, the jobs that should be paid the most are the ones WE wouldn't want to do, instead this world is upside down, it rewards the ability to learn skills to fuck with each other, to move imaginary assets called MONEY around the world on the Money grapevine, to falsify accountancy books to pay less taxes,  -that will be paid by the ones at the bottom of the pyramid, that's WHY they are there at all-, have what we call in Italy 'Creative Accountancy' -which is LEGAL- to show less profit to the workers to reduce their meagre wages, open off shore companies to make Money disappear like Houdini, and yet we justify WHY some have a right to a better life than others and why 'Making Money is our Duty' embracing the ideal of the trickle down effect that doesn't trickle anywhere because as one goes up, everything does too, desires, costs of living, costs of maintaining an expensive Persona to show off that we made it, we have arrived. And when all else fails, there is God, thanks GOD for God, because unless we gave him the responsibility and the 'carte blanche' to manage the resources on Earth within such Inequality Models, what would we do, should we take responsibility for what is Here, how would we ever manage to see in common sense how to create a world that works for everybody, to no longer allow ourselves to dismiss the fact that 30000 kids dying of starvation/malnutrition a day is NOT normal even if they are Not Our Kids, and that 2.5 billion people that have no access to sanitation is 1/3 of the Planet and not a random anomaly and that violence, wars and everything else that is out-flowing from a system of Inequality and injustice could be stopped, corrected, if we stopped believing to be entitled to a better life than others, because Money buys us choices and those with No Money have No Choices, we took all the best Choices for ourselves and left them out in the cold.

So, whatever is your No Money or Pro Money (for yourself alone) Stance -because God gave it to You, because you worked hard for it, because you deserve it, because you have to think for yourself first-, because Equal Money is not scientifically proven to work and because we are Not Equals and some are really Worth more than Others -like me-, will you please just FUCK OFF?

Tomorrow I will walk my SF on my Corruptible Character to delete it once and for all so that, when next time someone offers me money to shut me up, the same way I have used Money in my life to shut someone up,  knowing that Money does that to People as the Money/Pavlov effect is automatically activated, because Money has become Who We Are,  and there is nothing we would not say or do to access a slice for ourselves, until we STOP, and that the system is designed in such a way to reward the most the jobs in which one should have the most to say about this system and its injustice and immorality (as one becomes privy to the deepest ugliness of the underbelly of this world, and his stand as a point of self correction would be even more demanded), to ensure that the desire for Equality and Justice doesn't arise, as it is suppressed with Money,  loads of it, as a guarantee of the upholding of  the lies of the Money System,  next time I will notice myself attempting to move and shift into the Corruptible Character, I will, STOP, breathe and will not hide myself, desert myself, deny myself the right to speak in common sense what I can see clearly, and as my canny Character takes out the calculator and looks for support within other Characters/Players to prove and justify that I am doing the Right Thing, 'I will share the Money this time, listen to meeee', and yet I myself alone can see in self honesty that I am moving through an energetic experience and I can never be self honest when I am allowing myself to be ruled by Energy as Self Interest and will swiftly move into the 'what's in it for me' Character, the partner in crime of the Canny One, Instead I will breathe myself back here and reply when I am no longer energetically moved so I will be able to see clearly what I am wanting to do and WHY, address the point, release myself, break this shackles to keep walking my correction as one piece of the puzzle of the One that returns in alignment with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion
• Day 170: Letting go of Little Miss Money Bags
• The Indefensible World of Equal Money
• DAY 177: After Death Communication - Part 26

Day 143: The Hatchet Consultant - Off with the Head !

Today I was asked to give an opinion on a business as a Consultant to see if an idea about an upcoming business was worth to be set up or should be abandoned. I was not asked by the Managing Director but by one of the partners who is a friend, so I gave the Consultancy for Free, this giving FREE services and work, in this case a Consultation, seems to be multifaceted in how I experience myself, if I had charged him I would not even have noticed my behaviour since I WAS PAID to behave as The Consultant and it was my Duty to be as blunt and honest as possible.

I have written a whole other post before this, which went nowhere because I was on the wrong route to be able to see what has really happened that left me with a feeling of having done 'something wrong', judgement of disloyalty and a general sense of bitterness in which I saw myself really attempting to justify why I was RIGHT to say what I did say, because I was The Business Consultant, and yet the Money Transaction to Pay and Seal me into that role that had not taken place left everything sort of hanging in the air and myself unable to wear my Business Consultant Suit in full without any external distraction.

So in summary, I was told about this new business yesterday by the Managing Director, a few things did not add up, like what would be His role, because I was under the impression that he was not a Real Businessman, he fitted better the 'Bullshitter Character' with which I am extensively familiar having played that Character way more convincingly than him many many times, but I have spent many years with real Businessmen and they have certain common characteristics, all of which he was lacking. Plus I felt that I was again dragged into one of the Italian Style business 'Practices', where everything and nothing is said, because as one of my last Italian Boss told me once when I said 'the guidelines are not clearly laid out and there is mch space for confusion and overlapping, so you must set clear guidelines to replace this ambiguity' to which he replied 'We love ambiguity Eleonora'! and that was the day I sent it my resignation letter from Hong Kong because I saw him as simply insane.

So here I was again walking the 'ambiguity line', I have done plenty of ambiguity myself, it's cultural, the language we speak doesn't support straight to the point talking or writing, which is why every time we translate from English to Italian we end up with a much longer text, as many more words are needed to lock a concept into an unmovable place and position that cannot be twisted and turned around, but ambiguity works well only when I am the one using it to allow myself many open unspoken options and I am correcting myself about this to become more direct and just more self honest about my communication which is why now I am annoyed by ambiguity even more than before, as before the point was, don't fuck with me, and now the point has moved to 'I am not fucking with you, why do you want to fuck with me, why aren't YOU walking your process of self Correction (Bastard- this is usually implied as a point of displeasure when one is NOT doing what I think and believe they should be doing)'. So yesterday I was taken to talk with their financial advisor while I was not even clear about what my role would have been or could have been, no, correct, I was very clear about my role because I wrote the project, but I was not clear about the fact that the guy attempting to clumsily offer me a job was clear about my potential role, or His potential role and expected responsibilities, which was more worrying than him not yet knowing what to do with me.

The presentation went very well and the financial advisor raised some of my same questions about 'His Role', for a few days I had listened to him talking about why he wanted to set up a new Facility Management company, most of it was bullshit, including "I want to give this guys a chance to try out the good things in the world, for example take a week off to go to the Maldives" spoken by a guy who has never been outside of Italy and was impersonating the Great CEO of a minuscule company of 4 people that was underperforming and in terrible financial troubles, that he was willing to leave behind to jump onto a totally new bandwagon that was not contaminated (by Him) and leave behind the troublesome Cleaning Coop that they share among 4 partners, like captain Schettino, the one that left the ship Concordia while it sank, way ahead of the passengers, saying he fell into a saving lifeboat but was going to maneuver and coordinate the life saving operations from the shore.

So a few things that I am seeing now about me as him, is that like him, all my life I have attempted to just move on from that which was not working, I would leave it all behind, jump into the first lifeboat coming my way and attempt to move on and start 'fresh' from an uncontaminated place, haha, obviously seeing this in him irritated me a lot, this point is opening up as I write so until now I was more stuck into the irritation for 'his' seemingly irresponsible behavior, where the fuck are you going Captain Schettino, get the Fuck back on Board !

Plus he lied to me about his past, this I have done too, most people do when they go for job interviews as they try to project a 'higher value' for themselves as they put themselves on Sale on the Job Market.

Lastly there is the point of the abuse, of wanting to do less than others and get more money, this I did not have because I did not have the guts to work less and earn more, unless after so many years, which is not his case, so this would be more of a jealousy point to see someone who actually got more money than others and worked less, my never come true secret dream.

So today when I played back in my mind our conversation of yesterday, I decided I did not want to work with him because 'he just doesn't have a fucking clue'.

I have had this a lot when looking at people in business, a long time ago I held socialists ideals, until I started to make money and realized I could make more than others and then socialism and ideals went out of the window as I followed my path of privilege justifying myself that I did better, held more knowledge and knew how about business management and operation than others and just allowed myself to embrace the system, why not, it worked for me.

Later today I had a long unexpected conversation with the Partner of the Managing Director, a friend as I said, who was obviously eager to wash all the company's dirty laundry and let go some steam with me to ask me what I though about the MD ideas to set up a new business and that is when I told him I was not so keen to participate and today I told him I did not want to go into a partnership with him, this I told straight to the face of the MD and that caused some havoc, the consequences of which I will have to walk as I reasses WHY I had to say this in front of their Financial Advisor if not to get a weight off my shoulders and be 'honest' about it. My 2 previous business partnership did not go well, funnily I had the exact same problem I COULD have had this time, a lazy 'havenofuckingclue' partner to carry on my shoulders so I just would not feel too lonely and would not have to FEAR having to move through the Business World as a Single Woman, a bit like marriage but I have this limitation not so much in walking life alone but walking businesses alone.

As he exposed the company's problems it was obvious that he had already seen that wayyy too Many things were 'business wrong', some inexcusably so, such as their cash flow problems and lack of new customers, some were blatantly abusive such as working less than all others pretending to be working from home, using company assets privately, like credit card and company car that he has never once used for the company,  while inflating his ridiculously minuscule workload to have everyone believe 'he is a busy man', which is something I have done not in the same scenario, but inflating the perception that I did 'hard work', that I did, because as I said I felt guilty to be paid for doing something I enjoyed doing so I said it was 'hard work and not enjoyable', just to justify my wage as we all work doing what we hate 'in theory'.

There is a ruthlessness in me when it comes to business, I was as far as one could be from walking a process of Equality because as I saw that I had advantages over others in the business world I embraced meritocracy wholeheartedly, I just simply Deserved more, as I slaved more than others, took on more responsibility and basically somersaulted my way to the office everyday to make sure I kept this advantage, making myself precious everywhere I went and moved within the business world, out of the utter Fear of not being able to Survive in the system. Obviously this reinforced the idea that others deserved less because they were not willing to do what I was willing to do to keep my advantage.

So, after I listened to all the miseries and the lack of commitment of this MD, plus the fact that I see HIM as responsible for either driving the company to this place or/and not driving the company OUT of this place of misery and debt , I had not even one doubt and proceeded to spew my verdict
"T H R O W   H I M   O U T"

It is hard to own up to the fact that I did feel guilty afterward, but only afterward, so I can delude myself that I am basically 'a good person', I would kick someone out of their job even in a world where a job means the ability to LIVE, this guy has a family, a wife and kid, he is an inept, who will give him a job? I offered to help them out for free, but that would mean having to CHANGE, because until a NEW Monetary System is in place we have to work with THIS system, and this system doesn't allow for such management in a world of ruthless competition, they will have to make practical corrections to the way they are working, not necessarily working more, but working better, because there is a better in the business world, which is having no debts, a good pool of customers that feed you and are happy with what you do and reducing unnecessary costs. We have to give up something for a living now, some have to give up their Life as this system is not built to provide for the Needs of All Equally, especially we have to see that until a system for-giving is in place, we live inside an un-for-giving one, and that surviving is what we are condemning ourselves to until We stand For Change.

Tomorrow I will walk my Self Forgiveness for my Hatchet Consultant Character that doesn't bat an eyelid at the idea to putting someone in the street, even if this means he won't survive, because get it, when all is said and done, Business is Business. 

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• Day 143: Free Stuff! And True Activism
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Day 94: The Fearful Business Woman

Since I have considered selling this house, new business opportunity have come up for me to evaluate and consider.

Interesting because I don't have yet the Money in my pocket, yet the idea that I can soon or later get this money opens up a new world of choices.

Which is a point to consider when we insist that we live in a world of Free Choice without wanting to consider or admit that free Choice is related to how much Money one has in his/her pocket to buy The Choices they wish to participate in.

In this instance I saw that there is a Character that I have played in my Life relative to business, and that is The Fearful Business Woman, of course like all my Characters this one has a Cover Up too, which is the one that I have used to move within the business world, which is the Fear-less business woman, yet what I did with my fears I have just hid them and suppressed them and ended up living out my Fears within employments where I did not want to take the lead because the Fear that something might go had the best of me.

Instead I blamed men for having the positions of responsibility that went with the Money, even though when in my last job the day before I left the owner called me and told me he would double my already generous wage and give me full benefits I said NO, proud to be eating bread and pride, while I covered up the point that I did not want to step up to 'such a wage' because if I did, what if something went wrong under my watch ?

These days I have been looking into a project in Shanghai, a lady that went there since '98 brought to me a project to view and evaluate, I wrote out the feasibility study and realized all the points she had missed out and I had to discard the idea of cooperating in a partnership.

Which is one of the point of my Fearful Business woman character, I am always seeking for a partner in business, I fear taking the quantum leap into business by myself even though I know that I know what to do and how to do it, yet, the fear of being Alone in a business venture, with no one to share the Blame with if things go wrong is a point I have never faced and so I kept myself stuck into looking for partnerships that show me that I can do the job, STOP IT, just get on with it and when I write or research or put down projects, this Character is never there, it is within the backchat that arise when I put down the pen of me as practical physical application that I torment myself with doubts and remarks about 'who do you think you are' and 'if it was such a good idea someone else would have done it already', basically I trash myself around until I tremble at the idea of taking a road that I have clearly laid out for myself and that I know I could easily take all the way into a successful business venture...but what if I cant ?

Today as I walked I saw as well that it has to do with how I have lived my life, the 'Going with the Flow' Character vs the "I am the One Who decides", I am not yet familiar with Decisions vs Flows, I stand on the bridge of life living for me or me living, standing making a decision and then live it out beyond My Fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can do what I know I can do because I am a woman and women who are good business people are very rare and why should I be one of them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to all the people that tell me that business is difficult and complicated when I have been part of a few start ups and saw that there is nothing difficult or complicated but it requires the consistency of applying oneself into well laid out directions and keep moving and that these things are said to discourage people from moving into the Money System where there isn't enough for everybody and everyone fears everyone entering the Money game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that men are always in positions of responsibility/in charge so I then had to live out this belief and be the one not in charge because I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need a Master in formal education to carry out a business successfully even though most of my successful bosses showed me that this is not true, but I discounted this point and justified it with the fact that for me it was different, because they were men and I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman must be twice as good and work twice as hard as a man, failing to see that holding such believes would only spur Competition within me to show the men that I was twice as good and worked twice as hard, while they left the office at 5 pm and I hated them for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated the men who were above me that got away with half of my workload, without seeing and realizing I was the one who said that I should be twice as good equaling work twice as hard and I was just living out my own accepted and allowed script and belief

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for working twice as hard for half of the wage of men who were on top of me without having my own 'merits' which were to work twice as hard for half the pay

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated men in business instead of seeing and realizing I hated myself because I secretly coveted having the position on top but I was too scared to go and get it, so I made up stories about the point that it was impossible for me to get it because, let's face it' I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving into the business world by myself because I am a woman and I believed it would be best for me to have a partner, even though my grandma who was a head accountant always said that the only successful partnerships she saw were in odd number and below 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of when I failed a business when I was 21 with my best male friend that led me to lose the friendship for a few years, have to pay taxes for 2 years after closing down the company and to have to go to work as a governess in the house of rich people because I had a mortgage to repay and my mum thought that was my best option

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when I failed at a business at 21 to believe that since I was 'not good or had shown that I did not have it in me to make sound decisions for myself' that I should go back to being told what to do by my mum because she showed that she survived in the system longer than me, which proved 'she knew what she was doing and was in charge'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because I worked at cleaning houses for 1 year to pay back my mortgage and keep my mother happy until I got tired, dismissed myself, disappeared and went below radar to not have to listen to my mother's nagging, put an ad in the newspaper and was offered 3 jobs just because I stood up, made a decision and went and lived it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when money was involved and some or all of it came from my mum I would have to give up all my rights, included a right to a dignified life, not seeing and realizing that I played out within the family system what the money system plays out in the macro, where everyone is supposed to give up their rights to a dignified life just because of Money, and within this I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed this 'rule' within the micro family system of my life that then played out in the macro system within the world systems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come back to Italy and revert back into a belief of my incompetence because my mum flashes to me the memory of when I was 21 and I failed in a business endeavour, blaming her for the flashing instead of taking responsibility for myself and for the memory of me that we share, clean up the memory as a 'failed business woman' and move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mum to remind me of when I failed at a business venture at 21 as a way to keep myself locked into a sense of powerlessness and failure, so I won't have to venture out in the world and finally do what I enjoy doing, which is the set up and organization of a successful business, which I have done through the years in my life abroad, but away from my mother's eyes who never got a chance to upgrade her picture of me as a 'failed business woman' that I still conveniently use so as to not have to venture out into the world by myself, make decisions and make things happen

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I prefer to have someone above me to tell me what to do, so they have all the business risks, while I get the risk free life, without seeing and realizing that there are risks only when I move with the flow of which I am in fact not in control or in charge because I have not ever directed the flow, nor it is possible to, as the flow is taking the lead from my Mind who has shown to not be stable or sound in any way,  and that I should step out of the flow of and as the Mind and stand as the directive principle of myself to make myself effective in the business world because this is what I am good at, so I can get back into the system and start making money for myself and What is Best for All that I can support more effectively when making money than when I struggle with doubts and fears about myself and my future which keep me paralyzed and not living the life I want to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to pick and choose a business that is not abusive, which is just not possible within this system and is one of the point that I have used to not do anything at all while I waited for the perfect business opportunity to turn up, such as a humanitarian job or a no profit organization, failing to see that it is my judgement that I have expressed or thought about when I woke up and met Desteni and misunderstood much of the message as stop all abuses as if it was something that I could stop by stopping my participation in and as the system that we have become, failing to see that this is impossible at the moment and that I have to do what I have to do to make the money we need to bring this change about and that anything that stands between myself and doing what is best for all out of morality issues or my own judgements, ideas and opinions, I will weed it out until I stand stable and move effectively within this system of abuse from the inside to change the system as myself and What is best for All and stop all abuses for good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have 'morality issues' and judgements about some jobs versus others, and for judging my idea about wines because I have realized that alcohol is not supportive to the body and so instead of standing as myself doing what is best for me as the body and what is best for all within the system, while I accept that for now people do drink wine and it is not for me to judge but to see which opportunities are available and where I can move effectively and then move, I have used a point of morality and allowed it to stand in the way between me and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I move into the wine business I am bad, because alcohol is bad and it should be banned, yet at the moment within this system of abuse alcohol is part of the play and I either play where I see opportunities to play or I can be self righteous and ineffective, so what is it going to be ? I decide to be effective as it is not to judge any part of the system but to change myself as the system and then the system overall until everything is aligned to what is best for all and if by then we decide to ban alcohol it will be banned but everyone will have their livelihood secured, including the people in the alcohol business at the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my fear behind my self righteous stand about what to do with my life, instead of saying, yes i have a fear of fucking up, so I can then remind myself that fear is NOT real and that I either believe it and succumb to it or I move through the fear once I have done my research and found my niche and then stand through my decision until I am effective about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'if it was such a good idea someone else would have done it' just because I heard this sentence many times, yet it's proven that people who actually went and did things that were already in the air and talked about have just moved effectively through their fears until they did what they set themselves out to do, without listening to the fears of others that then become my/their fears, because we can see we live in a frightened world, and the blind cannot lead anyone out of the Mind of Fear into the safety of the Physical Here but it is a journey each one of us will have to walk by ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when the question 'who do you think you are?' pops up, I have to find a good reply to define me, which is in fact what limits me into just one expression of myself to which I crucify myself through the desire of overcoming my fear of not knowing Who I am, instead of just seeing, I am the One who decides and keep moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am arrogant and feel uncomfortable when I say or think "I am the One WHO decides' because the backchat start from there to show myself ALL the times in which I decided a good 'fuck all', or so it seems, while I can see I have decided it all through my acceptances and allowances, and that once I see this point clearly and see that I am responsible for everything that I lived throughout my life, then I am in fact the One Who decides, as I have seen that I was always the One who Decided, I just have to stop believing that life 'happened to me' and see that I happened to live, not consciously but still I was the One Who decided, even when I decided I was the One who would Fail and fuck it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of my life, when I did not understand or saw how my life was happening to me and within this powerlessness having accepted and allowed myself to believe what Forrest Gump said that "Life is like a box of Chocolate and You never know what you are gonna get' because this quote and similar highlight the point that we are in fact NOT in power and that at best we have to learn to accept what we are going to get, instead of seeing and realizing we got what we put in and created ourselves either through acceptances and allowances or by direct participation, yet we were always the Ones that decided

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was NOT the One who decided, so I would NOT have to take responsibility for my Life, failing to see that it is only through self responsibility that we realize we were always the Ones that decided and then we can live in alignment with I am the One Who decides as self responsible aware Human beings


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the One Who decides and for believing this fear to be real and who I really am, failing to see I am not my fears, unless I decide I am, because I am the One who decides and I decide to no longer live in and as Fear, Fear is NOT who I am


I commit myself to stop living the Character of the Fearful Business Woman and instead evaluate all points of a business, see the pros and cons of each possibility and niche, make a decision and walk my decision to completion


I commit myself to stop believing that once a failure always a failure, because I held myself hostage with a picture of myself failing at 21 and then having to go as a cleaner to keep up the gynormous mortage my mum suggested I signed, to give less interest to the banks' even though my mortage was 60% of my wage and with my mortage I signed up and away a potential for a life of misery and sacriices according to what my mum believe was 'the best thing to do'


I commit myself to stop allowing other people's opinion to affect me and my business plans /project, as I remind myself that every Opinion belongs to a Character, so I can either make up an Opinion to explain myself, which I commit myself to no longer do,while I commit myself to just walk myself into the script that I carefully lay out for myself and What is best for All


I commit myself to stop believing that a man has more chances in the business world, because this is just an Opinion and has no real relevance in the business world I have been a part of where many capable women are in charge of large businesses and nobody seems to mind their gender (except me when I am in Character and I want to give 'my Opinion')


I commit myself to place myself effectively within the World System, to ensure that I can at the best of my ability provide for myself and What is best for All, as I see realize and understand that I can play the role of the bread winner and that if I do not I am just giving up on myself and What is best for All and I commit myself to NOT DO THIS, to not give up on myself as What is best for ALL, but to keep walking my projects into completion to make money and contribute effectively to The Equal Money System project


I commit myself to breathe through My Fears of not being effective, as I see, realize and understand that I have always been effective when I have set myself to be effective and that the backchat and comments is something I can breathe through, until I stand stable in and as the decisions I make for myself and What is Best for All