Today I faced, yet again, the issue of being Absolutely Right.
Since I joined
Desteni, today something came up with a friend that in the past I would have rejoiced about, an opportunity to take on a crusade because it was obvious, I was totally, absolutely, undeniably right.
Which was of course the reason why I moved into Anger.
Yet, when I looked at the whole story a few points emerged, first this is a friend that recently came to visit me and for which I wrote a dis-honest blog called
Friends as Self Abuse.
I say it was dishonest because I did kinda try to take back the blame, but then I didn't, because, just like this point, I could PROVE I was right, absolutely.
When I chatted with my buddy that walks with me through the
DesteniIProcess, and brought up this point, she told me to write it out because I was still 'blaming my friend' and that was a sign I had not taken full responsibility for what went on between us.
It turned out to be a 9 page issue, but I saw the end of it as I moved from 'I'll never invite her back' to actually feeling ashamed and then standing up from this Shame to just see this is Who I am in the Process of correcting Myself.
Yet the issue that I have not been self honest to write THAT post and publish it and missed out on an opportunity to support myself AND my friend Equal and One to see what this process is about, haunted me a little.
Today this friend sent me back something she held for me, which I originally told her she could keep, a zapper, so even the fact that she sent it back I could have seen it as something nice she did for me, instead I focused on the points that she sent my old straps and not the new straps I left behind, and too few of my cards (I had over 30 and she sent me 4, this cards costed 10 euro each more or less), in this point I felt the abuse and moved into anger.
Yet when I talked this out with myself and saw that I felt the rightful anger based on a judgement based on my assumption that she may be angry at me because of the post I wrote that I knew she would read, I saw that I was in fact angry at myself for not having corrected that point, even when I saw it clearly and owned up to it, I did not want to publish it because I was ashamed.
In the moment I saw this, my anger stopped and I stopped being the rightful person I have been forever giving up my desire to take on the pen, as my weapon, and set the record straight, because if I should have taken on the pen, it should have been just for this purpose, to correct myself when I am Right, because there is no Right or Wrong, but our play outs in and as
The Mind in the Blaming Game of avoiding Self responsibility. So, the next time I am Right, I remind myself, correct Me when I am Right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have been right in my Life instead of seeing Right is just a polarized expression of me in my attempt of making someone Wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume things about my friend who sent me back something just so I could experience that I was now right because I have written out my self responsibility about our meeting but had not posted it to correct the previous stance I have taken regarding the time we spent together, instead I let my old stance linger so I could still have her believe I was right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was angry at her, instead of seeing I was angry at myself for not having corrected this point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be right so someone else gets to be wrong and gets the Blame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as wrong and myself as right so I can believe I am more than them in my righteous stance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire 'to set the record straight' with others so they too can see I am right and they are wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one is either right or wrong, instead of realizing that once I am self responsible for myself there is no right and wrong but common sense that all can see and share, or not, but it's not personal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for 'who is responsible' as a way of life, so the Blame can be placed on someone that is possibly not me because I fear being blamed and feeling diminished by other people's judgement that I am the one who is wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong because being right has more value than being wrong and I have been seeking for value al of my life in separation from me as self value and self trust in self responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful because I did not post my correction to my original post so I could still enjoy a point of blaming someone else for what happened between me and them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having written out a post in which I did not take full responsibility, instead of seeing I have made my correction with myself and just did not post it, so I will attach my corrective post to this one to stand by what I have seen and realized about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not post the correction post withholding a chance for self support and a chance to support my friend, Equal and One, in showing what this process is really about instead of taking long and convoluted loops tryint to explain Desteni and what it is that we are doing in fear that she would mock me and diminish me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be diminished by another instead of seeing that all diminishments are self diminishments due to my own judgements of myself as competing for the 'right' or 'wrong' title in this competitive world, One and Equal as me, of Blame allocation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being mocked for applying self forgiveness because I have not yet found the right words to express the self forgiveness point, instead of seeing I can just be the self forgiveness of myself and others and stand as
The Process I am living as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others in my quest for the allocation of Blame in fear of being blamed, without seeing I am and have always been the one to blame myself instead of seeing a miss-take and standing up in and as self correction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and others for the reactions that I have experienced, instead of being self responsible for every reaction that happens in and as me stopping all projections and blame on myself and others
When and as I see myself about to move or moving into the 'I am Right' Stance, I remind myself that when I am Right, I am not Left, which means I am into a polarity position, I Stop, Breathe, remind myself I no longer wish to live in and as
polarities of the Mind and that I am bringing myself back to the Physical, breath by Breath, to stop all frictions and competitions within myself
When and as I see myself attempting to prove that on some points I am objectively, absolutely right, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no objectivity in and as the Mind but my own self interest trying to play out to make someone else wrong to allocate the Blame that I fear will fall on me, instead I stop my participation in and as the Blame Game and when I see a Miss-Take, I stop, Breathe, Self correct and keep walking
I commit myself to stop my participation in the Right and Wrong Game of polarity, reminding myself noone needs to be wrong unless I need to be right and that every time I believe 'I am Right', I have to correct myself to stop my participation in and as polarity and realign to
What is best for All in Oneness and Equality
Corrective Post
M.’s
Visit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to judge my friend as stingy because she came empty handed and I
understood that she was sending the cellulite cream FOR ME, while she planned
to send it from an Italian manufacturer to my home FOR HER, so I assumed she
had a present for me and when she had nothing for me, I felt she did not care
because I have accepted and allowed myself to associate to be cared for with
‘being given something’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to believe that when people care ‘they must give me something’ because
when I care I give them something to show that I care, having accepted and
allowed myself to believe that caring is about what I give that has a
material/money value and within this I forgive myself that I have reduced my
relationships to a mere exchange of goods and favors, anything that I can
quantify and use on my value system scale to gain value from a person or an
experience, a value I have given up in separation from myself as self
worth/self value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to feel diminished because she said she expected my grandma’s had a
‘house’ because I always talked about a house and she never realized that I
meant a home and not necessarily a building as in house and I felt that I did
not meet her expectations in terms of the wealth I was supposed to display and
that she expected due to my calling my grandma’s apartment a house and not an
apartment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to tell her how much this apartment is worth with the purpose to get
back some of the value I lost when I perceived and believed that she was
disappointed not to find as she said ‘an Italian house like in the movies, with
a garden outside where people sit and drink a glass of wine’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to feel a loss of value when she said that the bed in the guest room is
small, which it is, and she is tall and I perceived that she was disappointed
because she is used to a more spaceful bed in her home in Thailand
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to see and judge her as an ungrateful bitch, because of all the stuff
that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within my secret
mind, instead of seeing I was just judging myself as an ungrateful bitch for
the times in which I have belittled people on purpose and I was projecting this
point I have not forgiven to myself about myself onto her
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to not allow her to pay for dinner because I was into a ‘compensating
mode’ and I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all compensation
takes place through money, which I have used extensively in my life to gain an
advantage on others, pretending to be generous while I was just creating a
credit, mafia style, that soon or later would either have to be repaid or would
establish me as superiority because those who have credits are superior and
more ‘valuable’ than those that have debts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to create ‘imaginary credits’ with people through action of obvious
manipulation, as a way to have the upper hand within my relationships,
establishing credits that some time would not be repaid and for which at times
there was not gratefulness leaving me feel frustrated because my plan had
backfired into me having just paid up against nothing and feeling I had been
taken for a ride, when in fact it was my original intent to take others on a
ride and have them ‘pay for it’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to feel angry when we went to the market because I wanted to show her
that I am not attached to money, yet I resented that she did not insist more to
pay, even though she wanted to pay but I said NO because I wanted to look good
and generous and show her, how generosity is done and make her feel bad about
herself because I was playing into the inferiority/superiority complex and I
felt inferior so I would have to use money to make myself feel superior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to use Money as a way to gain an advantage on others, disguising this
point as a generosity I did not have because I have never given
unconditionally, but always using a ledger on which I marked what was owed to
me and what was given by me so that I could feel more and superior to my friends
who had not worked out how to use money as a leverage in Human Interactions
that would indebt others to me and make me feel more and superior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to feel inferior to M
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to dislike and feel uncomfortable and fake when I said or others said
about me that I was generous, because I have never given anything for free and
so I hated myself for this undeserved label of generosity I worked so hard to
get but I knew it was never real, because my giving was always conditional and
with a specific/ clear purpose in mind that I could reclaim my debt in the
future and my circle of creditors was like a circle of subjects, subjected to
my credits and their own debts to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to project on my friend my irritation at myself because M. seemed to be
resilient to the idea of credits and debts and she was not willing to be my
subject and let me play the game of the giver even when she would take what I
gave, but without hooking herself into the debt system of my creation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to be irritated because she used my home as if it was her home, even
though I invited her here but as my family used to do, I never really meant it,
so her visit was already a surprise and the fact that she did not feel shy to
move around freely, instead of making me glad because I was finally able to let
someone live in an expectation free place around me, I hated the familiarity
with which she moved, as if this house was her house and not mine, because I
projected on her my inability to move freely as a guest in my friends’ homes as
a matter of education and politeness, instead of seeing I do not move freely
because I am afraid of stepping into the credit /debt system of someone else
and of creating credits I may not be willing to repay and so I tip toe my way
around life in the homes where I have been as a guest, in a fake submissive way
for the sole purpose of not engaging the debt/credits system that since I hold
in place inside myself, I assume everyone does
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to be angry at M. because she asked me to plan every day in detail,
without realizing that when I have been on holiday for short periods of time in
a foreign country, I have done the same and there was nothing unnatural about what
she asked but my judgment of it as inappropriateness, because I hated this form
of control and having my day planned simply because I was the one that should
have done the planning so I could have everything under control and not her
doing the planning so she could have everything under control and I lost the
total control of the situation in my perception
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to desire to be in control of external situations because I feared I was
not in control of my internal situations and I would have to plan my days in
detail so I would know ahead of time which people and situations I would find
and adjust myself into the appropriate personality accordingly so I wouldn’t
have to surprise myself with some ‘off the bat’ behavior stemming from some of
my personalities getting on stage when it was not their time to show up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to live a life through personalities and mind games, because I never
trusted my Self and my ability to Self Express Here in a moment of Breath
within Self Honesty in and as Self Responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to be annoyed with M because she is slim and I am now fat and I had to justify my fatness in so
many ways and hint to the point that I will lose this weight because I judged myself as having lost value
from thin to fat in her eyes and I wanted to gain value again by projecting
myself back into thin, where there is more value than into the fat image of
myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to blame M for how I felt because I feel fat and ugly compared to when I
was in Thailand and I was fit and tanned and looked better than her and now in
my secret mind comparisons I looked worse than her because I am fat and I
believed that this was her judgment of me instead of seeing this was my own
judgment of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to judge myself because I am fat and because I have decided that I have lost value in my
own eyes since I have put on weight and now I dislike the skinny ones because
when I see them I don’t stop myself from comparing myself and since I feel
inferior than I have to work and find points in which I feel superior in this
idiotic balancing act stemming from comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to not stop the comparison between me and other women as if I were not
in the driver’s seat, believing that I cannot stop myself when in fact I CAN
STOP myself through breathing, writing, applying self forgiveness and
corrective application
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to compare my body to the body of other women so I can assess if I am
more or less than them and establish my value in and as the value system of
this world, in and as the money/value system of this world has having a higher
or lower market value on the fuck market/money market of this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to be irritated because she did not rinse the bathtub and I had to rinse
it in her place, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that
this is an act of lack of respect and I want to be respected as a personality
that commands respect and not the maid that cleans after others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear telling my guests that they have to clean after themselves and
that I am happy to provide a room for their stay but not the cleaning service
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear communicating to another clearly what I want in terms of how we
should share the space in fear they would judge me as tightassed and not easy
going as I would like to be seen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear judging myself as tightassed in fear I won’t be able to play out
the accommodating easy going personality that I like to portray for myself
which stands in the way of me communicating clearly what I think would be
appropriate when people share a space
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear asking for what I want because by fearing asking I don’t ask and
then I blame others for not having read my mind and having failed to meet my
expectations that I have not expressed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to confuse myself between having expectation about others and just
asking to comply to common sense living arrangements so both our lives can be
easier and more enjoyable and no one has to pick up after another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear speaking the common sense of a living arrangement for fear of
not being liked by the other person and in fear of losing value points compared
to doing everything for them just to end up resenting it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to believe that my value and worth is determined by how much I do for
others, because at home my value with my family grew the more I did things FOR
them and I have associated doing things for others as ‘showing care’ even
though I resent it because I feel being taken advantage of even though it’s all
my own doing within my mind for failing to communicate clearly a practical
living arrangement that would work for what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to picture myself speaking up and explaining what is it that I would
want when sharing space with another as being ridiculous making a fuss over
nothing because I resented the authority in my life of people laying out rules
even when the rules where what was best for all because I just wanted to do it
and have it my way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to desire to have it my way regardless of what would be practical and
best for all in any living situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to resent what I do for others out of my own inability to communicate
clearly a practical living arrangement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to feel shame when my grandmother called me back in the bathroom one
morning to show me what I had left in the bathtub and told me that we cannot do
that, it’s disgusting and one has to clean after oneself or one is an animal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
to doubt my memories as I cannot remember properly if it was done to me or to
my grandfather and I lived it by association fearing that it could ever happen
to me to be called an animal in a demeaning way, taking away value from me as a
human because animals are less than humans and if and when I do not clean after
myself I am less than human
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to believe that an animal is less than a human
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to believe I am one and equal with the shame I felt regarding not
cleaning properly after myself and then having to feel less than human, just
because my grandma said I should, instead of seeing I am not the shame of the
remarks of my grandparents meant to manipulate me into a specific behavior for
their own lack of proper communication that ended up being based on shame,
hints, sarcasm and irony to deliver a point, instead of communicating a point
to another human being without trying to manipulate the other into feelings and
emotions to maneuver their behavior and manipulate it into a specific outcome
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to successfully learn and integrate a distorted idea of communication
based on shame, hints, sarcasm and irony and for believing that this is the way
to communicate to another human being, instead of questioning why I had to do
to another what I had not liked and did not want done unto me but just
integrating and passing on the sickness of mis-communication among Human Beings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to do to others what I myself did not want done to me, but I embraced as
a way of life to manipulate and maneuver people to specific outcomes without
proper communication on and of a point that I wanted to ask for as a practical
living arrangement because I allowed myself to never develop acceptable
communication skills in which both are standing as equals, honored and
respected in and within the communication of and as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to separate myself into ideas of value that are job/task related and so
in some tasks/jobs I lose value, like cleaning after my friend and then I feel
irritated and blame it on her, looking for reasons to show that I am in fact
right because objectively she should have rinsed the bathtub after having taken
a bath and so I look for points that are popular and widely supported on which
I can offload my blame for what I feel and what has been going on inside of me
within the construct of inferiority and superiority but I have to watch out
because I am system smart and I will try to fuck with myself in new yet
unexplored ways, even though I can see in self honesty that a part of me owned
up to it almost immediately after M left and that I have not pretended with Linds
that I was right but just said that I wanted to be right and I have to watch
out for this point and flag it, because wanting to be right is ingrained in me
, has become me and I have to start by keeping reminding myself that EVERY
SINGLE MOVEMENT THAT HAPPENS INSIDE OF ME IS MY RESPONSBILITY and write this,
until my body gets the new point and I release the old point of me ‘wanting to
be always right’ out of my system to stand no longer in self interest but for
What is Best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to be annoyed with M when we went to Venice, because I didn’t particularly
want to go, so I had a credit for going, plus when we missed the train I felt
guilty because we left too late indulging in a glass of wine to pass time while
we could have made our way to the ferry in time and take the train on time and
so I felt responsible and when M was disappointed that we missed the train I
believed she blamed me and then I blamed her for blaming me, instead of
stopping and looking at what I was doing regardless to what she was doing
because I was aware that I was NOT fine yet I wouldn’t stop because I wanted
her to feel guilty for my perception of her blaming me and so I turned into a
bitch, but a clever one, that would make jokes to underline how inflexible she
is and how SHE would not let it go while all the time I felt I was inflexible
and would not let it go or whatever mood she was in I would have been able to
stand stable and not move in a swing of emotions ranging from anger to blame
and back to anger because of the way I wanted to believe SHE was making me
feel, instead of taking responsibility for myself and stopping and breathing
myself back Here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to not be clear about not wanting to go to Venice because I had told her
that I ‘would take her here and there’ if she came to visit me, but I did not
mean it as it was just something to make me feel good about myself about what
kind of host I would have been if she did in fact come and so when she came I
felt I had to stick to my word, even though I was not looking forward to going
to Venice because it’s a long train trip, but I did not want to communicate
this in fear that she would judge me for not sticking to my word of taking her
to Venice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to not express myself and suppress my wanting to stay at home while she could have gone to
Venice by herself in fear of letting her down and in fear of the judgment of
myself as someone who says things I do not follow up with as a way of life and
having to face the point that I need to learn a different way to communicate
with others where what I say I mean it and I am willing to do and to stick to
it and where I am not sure I can always say I am not sure and we can see when
the point is there, so I can learn to express myself self honestly and not
blame others for my dishonest communication, because I can see I have not yet
learnt to communicate self honestly but just through personalities of how I
wish to be seen in fear that I am not enough and I have to be someone else
I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear
speaking up for rocking the boat because I have associated communication of
what is going on inside others, my mother in the specific, as something that
would always make me feel uneasy and I decided that speaking up what is really
going on it’s unwise as it may make others feel uneasy, instead of seeing this
was due to my own blaming my mother about the way I felt when she spoke up and
that if I hold on to this belief I will never communicate effectively because I
believe I am responsible for how others experience themselves around me,
instead of seeing I AM RESPONSIBLE for how I perceive myself and what goes on
inside of me and others are responsible for how they perceive themselves and
goes on inside of them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to not express the point that I thought and perceived that she was
blaming me, because if I had expressed that it may have assisted both of us and
stop the backchat, yet I feared bringing it out in the open in case she said
‘yes I blame you’ and then I would feel angry because I saw that we should
share responsibility being two adults taking a trip together and not me being
the tour guide
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to make up stories in my mind about what ‘she would have said’ if I
asked ‘are you blaming me because I have this perception at the moment that
could be just my mindfuck but it’s worth talking about it’ so she would have a
chance too to see what was going on inside of her and inside of me and we could
have supported each other in stopping and moving on so we could have enjoyed
the rest of our time instead of dwelling in a pool of blame we were mirroring
to each other back and forth, as she blamed me (maybe) for what happened while
I blamed her surely for my thoughts that she was blaming me and that that was
unfair
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to use joking as a way to hint to others the points I do not feel
comfortable about, instead of speaking the points up and not using joking as a
way to cover up what is really going on inside of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to hate my ex husband because he was French and he used sarcasm to
convey what was going on with him instead of speaking up clearly while all the
time I was just angry and hating myself for not having found ways to
communicate clearly with others, because my grandmother taught me that ‘joking
about a point you want to say but don’t say’ it’s called diplomacy and this is
a highly valued quality I should aim for and I did aim for it and became it,
accepting and allowing myself to believe that if you call someone stupid having
them be happy about it, you have accomplished your effective diplomatic
communication, instead of seeing this teaching as just a point of mindfuck and
manipulation I took on while I searched for ways to be more valuable and more
acceptable in fear that I was worthless and unacceptable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to desire being accepted by others instead of seeing I was always and
only wanting to be accepted by myself and within this I forgive myself for NOT
accepting myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to feel angry and blameful toward M while I was angry at myself because
I could see I was participating in emotions and feelings as self abuse and
blaming her for it and I would not stop
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to go into backchats about the point that I paid for the hotel because I
believed it was my duty to pay because it was me making the mistake of
miscalculating the time it would take to get back to the station and since I
made a mistake I could not expect to share the loss with her, yet I resented it
because I felt I was always the one paying, even if it was all my own doing and
she even offered to pay, but I was buying my superiority with money and I would
not let her and then blamed her because I don’t have a job and I should not
have been spending money for a night in Venice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to blame M. for not being more sensitive to the point that I am not earning
when in fact it was me all the time not allowing her to pay so I could be more
than her money wise because I felt less than her due to my weight issue and my
perception that I have lost my ability to attract as a value point and I had to
compensate with money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to want to go to an expensive place in Venice just to show her I’m not
attached to Money because I ended up judging myself for my money backchat and
so I believed had to make up for that, splurging
money I don’t have at the moment, just to make a point with myself and with
her, that for me it’s never about money when in fact at the moment money is one
of my major backchat that I don’t want to own up to as I will have to take
practical steps to just move myself and put myself back into a money making
position and face the system again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to write a post about “Friends as Self Abuse’ and post it, in which I
pretended to take responsibility while I just mirrored everything I believed
she did to me an forgave myself for it, because I know she reads my post and I
wanted to show her my superiority of forgiving her as the mirror image of
myself, and have her know how much I disliked her staying with me, so I used
self forgiveness to just underline points about her, missing out on a chance to
write self honestly about what went on inside of me and stand as a real example
of what this process is all about
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to judge myself as an asshole and an abuser, instead of being patient
with myself, realizing I am a patient of a mental institution called Earth and
so patience is required for me to sort myself out and I forgive myself for
being harsh on myself in judging myself when and as I see what I have really
been up to, instead of seeing it as points that need to be corrected, that I am
correcting by taking responsibility, stopping the blame and standing up in and
self correction to stop myself from existing as I have done in the past, I am
not my past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to judge myself for wanting to have the last word, even if that shall be
the written word but it will get there and do the damage I planned in my secret
mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to be ashamed of myself for this episode with M, in which the more I
wrote the more I realized I am a mental case, and who isn’t, that lives on
autopilot, within my secret mind and unwilling to take responsibility for
myself and what I have become because I can always find a way to blame it on
others, so I stop my existence as a mental case as I dismantle who and what I
have become to correct myself and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and
What is best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to believe I could have never invited M back, while even half way
through this script I saw that I could and that the only thing preventing me
was my own shame of what went on inside of me that I did not take
responsibility for, instead while I wrote and let it all out and my mind
disease became more clear, I moved into guilt first and then into shame and
realized this is how I have spent my whole life, blaming others and making up
convoluted stories to cover up what was really going on inside of me so I would
not have to take responsibility for myself, my thoughts, words and deeds and
stand as the change I want to see in the world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to feel guilty and ashamed about M’s visit, I see and realize that I
have designed myself into this convoluted self interested sick being and it
will take me some time to unlayer myself and see the depth of my sickness, own
up to it and stand in and as change, for myself as Life and What is best for
All, One and equal.
When and as I see myself having difficulties
in communicating a point or trying to communicate a point to a friend or
family, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is nothing to fear and that
fear is not real, and look at the point I am trying to communicate practically
to see if what I want to say or ask is in fact what is best for all and then I
simply speak it without attaching judgments or expectations to the outcome if
not my clear communication of myself with another being
When and as I see myself judging or about to
judge me in my mind for what I am about to communicate which drives me into the
fear of communicating and prevents me from communicating effectively, I stop,
breathe, remind myself that judgments of myself and others are NOT what is best
for all and that I no longer want to participate in judgments as separation of
myself from existence, so I stop, breathe, and then speak the common sense
practical point I see as me
When and as I see myself moving or about to
move into making a joke or being ‘funny’ to deliver a point that I have not
communicated in fear of being disliked or not being accepted I stop, breathe,
remind myself that I only need the acceptance of me and the unconditional
acceptance of me and that if I speak self honestly I build self trust and that in trusting me to
not using manipulation and deceit to get my way I can start to trust others as
well, One and Equal to me and I can trust that whatever happens I can stand in
self honesty and self trust and be Here for and as myself
When and as I see myself desiring to not
express what I see as a common sense practical solution, I stop, breathe, remind
myself others are not mind readers and I have been down this road MANY times
before, where I end up blaming others for not having read my mind effectively
instead I speak my mind so I won’t accumulate back chat about a point, always
considering the other person as me, as Life and making sure I am in fact asking
or laying out a practical solution for sharing space and that I am not coming
from self interest considering only me but all party involved to benefit
equally from the equation
When and as I see myself attempting to care
for others or show them I care through doing things for them or using money, I
stop, breathe, remind myself this is not what caring is about but standing as
Equals, not playing credit and debts game in which I accumulate credits toward
someone that I then wish and desire they pay up, so I stop my participation in
the accumulation of credits by being Equals and not participating in Mind games
and ledgers that I keep to keep score of what is owed to me for what I do,
which must be unconditional the moment I do and have no strings attached
When and as I see myself moving or about to
move into a backchat about a friend, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I have
enough backchats to clear for this lifetime and I do not need to add any other
layer of bullshit to who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become,
I breathe, breathe, breathe, count my breaths, remind myself I no longer want
to participate in the dishonesty of making up comments and opinions in my
secret mind about some being I am communicating with and that I want to rewrite
myself into someone who honors and respects life and backchats are not honorable
and are self dishonest while I want to build a self honest world as a
reflection of myself in which I can trust myself and others and for this I have
to give up my backchats, I will myself to self direct myself to stop so I may
get to know other beings and learn what self honest communication is all about
and stand stable as an example of what this world could be if we could all give
up the dis-ease of the Mind for Life, One and Equal
