Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character

This is a Follow up to my post 'Owner of a Broken Heart'

So, digging up the origin of this point within me.

Something happened between me and my mum as I grew up, actually 2 things happened that played out this character first on her side and then on my side once I internalized it completely as 'Me'.

The first event was when I asked to go and live with my father because my mum was crazy and I could not take her blow ups any longer. A quiet, unspoken rage on her side followed that time, she called it hatred but that was just for maximum effect, it did not matter that my father said 'No, thanks', by then her 'Rejected Character' had kicked in and a vicious period of a few years followed as she tried to prove to me in every possible way that it was She who rejected me and not the other way around. She was quite convincing too.

At the height of this period she met a man who made a pass on me and I tried to keep at bay and not disclose this to my mum to not bring further grief in her life until he did it again and then I went into an aggressive 'stay away from me' stance which my mum mistook for 'jealousy' (?) and me not wanting her to enjoy her life and which culminated in her asking me to leave home. I won't go into the whole story but it's sufficient to remember that by that time she knew he was a molester and a bastard through and through, still she asked ME to leave, this activated the 'Nobody wants me Character' in me, as me and solidified it in place to the point that I always question men who have a relationship with me about the 'why' they stick around', because, obviously, if 'nobody wants me' what are they doing there?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not See, realize and understand that, as I was afraid to become a copy of my mother and her unpredictable patterns and I tried to resist through rational thinking  I was in fact already busy imprinting myself with the exact same patterns and just looking for ways to cover them up and pretend they were not there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that we carry patterns of memories, emotions and feelings and traumas from one generation to the next and that it will take our active directive principle to stop ourselves from existing that way by deleting them through self forgiveness and rewriting scripts for ourselves that are more supportive to ourselves and everyone else that walks their life with us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize  and understand that the point, the question 'what are you doing here?', had nothing to do with the other person but was about a pattern of myself I was revealing to myself and that I should have addressed it within myself even if the other person ended up justifying my question as something that existed 'within him as well'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the point of 'nobody wants me' was relative to others without seeing realizing and understanding that this point that I have internalized I then played out on myself, rejecting myself through judgements, separating myself into emotional reactions for which I blamed others instead of addressing the point of learning to want myself, accept myself unconditionally, beyond self judgement so that I would not need another to 'want me' because I had bridged the need to be wanted through the unconditional acceptance of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of things that happened with my mother and that I used to consolidate the 'Nobody wants me ' personality, without seeing realizing and understanding that it was because this character already existed within me that I sought points to validate it and make it real and that what I have miss-filed within the interpretation of the actions of my mother was functional to playing out a character that I failed to identify and release instead of validating it through distorted instrumental self interpreted memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to get really close to someone, really intimate and allow myself to create a functional agreement because I held on to the idea that in truth 'nobody wants me', having frozen in time an idea that if even my mother did not want me then 'nobody wants me' and within this for approaching every partner within suspicion wondering 'what do they really want' and looking for reasons in my mind that make them stay with me until I make these reasons and doubts so real that they end up participating and believing it was their own creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enter a relationship 'hoping' that this time things would be different, even though I was aware that I had not walked myself out of the constructs of the mind through the application of the deletion modality of patterns as 'self forgiveness' and within this 'hope', for giving away my directive principle to something external, to another, 'hoping' they would be the ones doing the fixing of this 'broken heart' instead of standing as the directive principle of myself to work at repairing what is not best for me and hence not best for all involved

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as blame for my mother and for this pattern that I was aware she carried as she kept talking about when her mother abandoned her or did not want her and for realizing too late into the pattern that no matter how much I disliked listening to her and her rantings about it, I had already internalized this pattern and the irritation I felt was always toward myself and my own programming which I was afraid to take responsibility for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt when my partner said 'which story?' in a tone I interpreted as mocking, as to say there was never a story between us through which I ended up feeling duped and used and doubting the process I am walking because maybe if I had not self forgiven myself so much I would have been more aware of my reactions and I could have listened to them as a warning sign, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was because I suppressed my reactions and did not address them in full that I ended up feeling used and abused, which I was, but by myself and not by another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress points I wanted to come clean about because I held on to the pattern that since 'nobody wants me' already, I better not rock the boat, hope things will work out if I don't go into some other of my fragmented self and play out something even more unpleasant than this aloof character living on the sidewalk of this relationship and within this for fearing to rock the boat, not of my relationship but of my own mind, fearing that if I looked at everything that was in there about this relationship I would have to face the fact that I had made a mistake of judgement to start with because I was not ready to walk with another as I was barely learning to walk with myself and finding my own stability

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try and please another while suppressing reactions while doing so because I was afraid he would leave and then I would have to face the fact that 'nobody wants me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could have always worked on this point without waiting to face it in the physical and that I have created this break up in many ways when I look at this relationship in self honesty, so that I could remove myself from this relationship and go back to working on myself, something I believed I was not effectively doing while being in a relationship with someone who was not walking his own process of self correction

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up this character to victimize and bully myself, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am working with a generational pattern and that I have deconstructed its origin and reason for being and that I always have a choice to engage or not what my mind offers as patterns of behavior

When and as I see myself looking back searching for reasons to blame another for this break up, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what is best for all is not necessarily having a long lasting relationship but it can be meeting someone, uncover some patterns to be released and when no one is any longer benefiting from what they can discover through one another, move on without holding another responsible in any way, shape or form

When and as I see myself wondering why 'I am not sad' abut this break up and then go about wanting to dust up this 'nobody wants me' character, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it may take some consistency in releasing this pattern completely because it is a generational pattern that I have accepted and allowed to play out and have created emotional ties to for quite some time but this in no ways means that I cannot release myself from it for good with consistent application

When and as I see myself approaching the 'nobody wants me' character in my mind, I stop, breathe, look for what I am wanting to not accept myself for, investigate the point, release myself from self judgement until I stand in unconditional acceptance of myself over what was bothering me and move on

I commit myself to stop my dependency on others for acceptance and to keep applying myself to stand as Self Acceptance while I walk my corrective application for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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“What could have been, what has been, what can be, what will be, what shall be – all is unimportant. What is Here is all that any being ever has.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 406: Owner of a Broken Heart

My boyfriend left last night, it was not as a result of a fight but of a series of events that exposed beyond any resonable doubt, to him as well, that this relationship was based on interest and, de facto, it was a relationship, not an agreement.

Some of the things he said made a lot of sense, like the fact that he doesn't feel equal in his participation and he can't live with this, he said that since the question 'why are you here' on my side was recurrent when we had a fall out he admitted that the question kept coming up because this question existed inside of him as well.

I said that an agreement is a place where both work to make it work, while I was talking I wondered if I was just robotically acting out a speech.

A few things that he said triggered a feeling of being hurt, being offended, one was when he said 'story - which story?' when I was talking about us and then the next was 'are we free now?' and the feeling he couldn't get away fast enough - that triggered a feeling of rejection and of having been used.

This happened Saturday. I spent Sunday on the sidewalk of a pity party, I didnt join it, instead I spent the day watching videos on Mind Control and MK Ultra and Satanists seeking to put my very minor problem into context, I mean there are people that do blood sacrifices and traumatize children to turn them into perfect slaves, hello, talk about mental problems, I have just had a relationship ending.

Plus, I couldn't not notice the feeling of relief, of finally having the bed all to myself, of owning my time again so within one day I was pretty much stable again, I could even look at his side and see how we got here even though I knew that I would have to address those 2 points, the feeling of having been used and the feeling of rejection.

When I felt like crying I saw that the points that would come up were related to self victimization as in 'nobody wants me', this is a residue from something that happened with my mum that created this personality plus its a construct of hers who has lived her life as the Construct of being rejected due to her history with her mum.

When he came back today to talk to my neighbors about a job, I was stable and we could sit down and have a small chat, I was glad about this because the day he left I was possessed by the feeling of 'rejection' and when he said, 'if you need anything call me' to which I replied, 'if you need anything -don't call me' and on top of that I refused to shake hands and I didn't like myself for that.

Another point that came up was how I almost immediately wanted to move into evaluating this break up through my Money Personality to establish the amount of 'my loss' in material terms, proving that I am still run and not yet running/directing myself.

Good opportunity to rewrite the script.

In my next posts I will address these points with SF and SCA to move on and release these emotions and everything that goes with them.

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Day 405: The Perception of a Worth-Less Life and Regrets

Some days I feel this gloominess about living a life that makes no sense - for sure in my mind I must be comparing it with 'a life that makes sense' and finding that I am way short from that.

A life that makes sense in this system is a life where I can feel free to move as I please, make plans, have choices and not just have enough to barely survive on every month, so this perception is surely Money related, it's the feeling of being paralyzed and frozen in a time warp where I can only live out the consequences of my poor choices, for many of which I live in a state of regret.

This was clear to me yesterday when I saw a post from a far away friend that brought up, again, the life I used to live with this life that I perceive as worthless, which in money terms it is, it is worth-less, I have less money circulating and hence much of my time, reasoning, conversations are about money. I put a price on everything I do or don't do, this of course leaves me with a sense of worth-less-ness and all because of money. Sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that our worth is money defined and for rejoicing in the perception of a 'worthy' life when I had a lot of money, creating for myself the future perception of a worthless life to live out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being responsible about my life means living in the regret of the poor choices I have made because this is how 'I face consequences', creating regret to prove to myself I would not make the same choices again, if I had the chance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this regret because if I did I would be irresponsible and when my mother would bring up 'en passant' the poor choices I have made when I had money, I would have to feel irritated instead of agreeing through keeping alive the regret for what I have done with money when I had it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that living in regret shows that I have changed, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that changing would mean let go of my past so I can create something new, that cannot come through regret

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value myself and others based on the money they can turn over, having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are intelligent and educated you will make money in the system, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not always so and that I made the decision to walk out of the system to prove the point that I could manifest money out of thin air and, when I could not, I felt cheated and stupid for ever having believed such nonsense as the Law of Attraction

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be moved by anything that brings up images, memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings about the life I used to live as I immediately compare it with the life I live now, until I feel worth-less and unhappy about myself and my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I made decisions based on what I understood at the time when I walked away from the system and that I have to stop the self judgements, blame and self hatred for what I have done and the self judgement of having been a dope because unless I let go I can not free myself to start living this life I live now, while I wait and hope to get back to the life I used to live back then

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Money is what gives worth to life, without seeing realizing and understanding that if I don't correct this stance within me I am one point of support for this system that puts money before Life, because I myself put money before Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up about having given up the opportunity of a lifetime to follow some crap belief system and within this I forgive myself for not having taken the time to let go of this point not even when I saw that money had become an obsession in my mind due to how I had linked mine and others' worth to money and then attempting to get back my worth and my life's worth through money without succeding at it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about money all the time because worry is one way I have understood as 'caring about something or somebody' and if I worry about it all the time I prove that I am concerned about being now responsible and caring about my financial situation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that an obsession about money is the result of the relationship I have created to it, having attached my worth and my life's worth to this 'idea' and that I can correct this relationship to free myself regardless of how much money I have at all times

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel concerned about my relationship and the point that my partner has not been able to contribute equally due to the financial situation of my country and of many people around the world and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am applying to my partner as a measure of his 'value/worth' the number as money that he is able to turn around in a month, diminishing him as a being through the eyes of my money personality and within this for always putting a price tag on everything I do for him, with him feeling that I am building up credits for which 'he will have to do something' to get even

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in myself because I have written about the money point within my relationship and for expecting that I would just magically change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the money personality is one of our main personality system and I will have to walk these changes into the physical, until I become the script I have written out for myself regarding this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less worthy since my friendship with my 'best friend' ended due to how I mishandled a situation between the two of us and due to having invested some of my 'worth' into the reflection of myself within our relationship, when this relationship ended I felt less, less worthy, less protected from what could happen to me, less sheltered by hers and her husband wealth and within this for feeling like a 'loser' because of what I lost when this relationship came to an end

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my friendship with my 'ex best friend' was based on projecting back to each other exactly the personalities we wished to be known as and that what I lost with the end of our relationship is a 'perception of myself', a mask of myself, a cover up and the possibility to hide the truth of myself behind the image of me that I could see through the eyes of another, a favour I dutifully returned making our friendship never true, never real but just an engagement of personality systems that could not last beyond the threat of having to give up our self created images for one another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss my ex best friend and her presence in my life, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I miss is that feedback that stated that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was just an original, peculiar person and not the mind system I feared I was and did not know how to change into something real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I always wanted 'a best friend' in my life in the hope that I could trust someone because I did not trust myself and that what I really miss is an intimate relationship of acceptance with myself, where I can accept who I have become as I walk to change what I can see needs to be corrected and realigned to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, equal and one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility for why this relationship ended, attempting to make my friend the reason and the one to blame instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the reason why I found it impossible to keep that friendship going when she became close to my ex husband was that I feared what my ex husband would expose about me things that I did not share with her because those 'events' in my relationship did not match the personality system through which we operated and that I was the first one getting close to her husband and doing to her what I feared she may do to me and within this for trying to blame her for what she said about what she learned about me instead of using that moment as an opportunity to walk beyond my personality system and become more intimate with her and with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to forgive myself regarding my ex best friend because when I don't forgive myself I am 'principled' and better than those that do forgive themselves and within this for withholding this forgiveness as a way to feel good about what I have done instead of letting go of the need to feel good about something I feel ashamed about so I can deal with the shame and get over it once and for all

When and as I see myself wanting to entertain some memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions in relation to my 'past life', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to participate because I am aware that it's just an attempt to self sabotage myself into a state of worthlessness, instead I busy myself physically and breathe myself back to stability

When and as I see myself wanting to put a price on something, wanting to talk about money when it's not contextual to the moment I am living I stop, breathe and let go of the perceived 'need to put a price on everything

When and as I see myself looking back with regret at my relationship with my ex best friend, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I can't change what I have done but I can change who I am and what I stand for and as, to no longer create such consequences in my life such as shame and regret

I commit myself to bring back the pieces of worth that I have invested outside of myself and to return worth to myself as Life and not as Money or my ability to spend or my ability to have a best friend as I see, realize and understand that my worth is in me as Life and I can bring back all my divested worth until I can stand one and equal to the word Worth Equal and One with My self

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Day 402: Redefining Writing - From Burden to Self Support

I have been very tired lately - very tired.

The little time I spare here and there I want to spend it 'for me' possibly on the couch resting, which means doing nothing that has to do with this journey.

At some level I am aware that all excuses I come up with are just crap but I am very good at telling myself I 'deserve' some time 'for me' - whatever that means since when I do take this 'me time' I just waste it, anything will do, even watching a show on TV that is designed for the brain damaged people we have become.

Writing doesn't even come close to the top 10 things I would rather do in those moments of deflation, so in this blog I am redefining writing to realign it in my mind to a moment that is in fact 'me time', a moment in which I take care of myself and what goes on in my mind to release myself from those clutches and crutches that pain me on many levels and that I 'hope' they may go away with a nap or with some brain dumbing activity that I tell myself I am 'entitled to'.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive and then define writing as a burden, a drag, something I must do and hence activating within me the desire to not do it' so I can rebel and show 'who is in charge'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are more enjoyable things I could do with the little time I have left than writing and hence those are the things I should be doing, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I am facing a wall due to my own definitions of what writing is and why I am writing in the first place and that I can correct my stance by redefining everything I do until I place myself again in the position of writing comfortably to support myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe 'I have a right to do something else' whatever that else is - without seeing realizing and understanding I am specifically avoiding sitting down and writing because it seems there is too much to write about and to unravel and I can't possibly ever find all that time in my lifetime

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give a negative label to everything that I do during the day, from working to cleaning to organizing my life and hence, when I am done and I take stock of how many 'negative experiences' I have already walked in a day I can't find it within me to sit down and face another 'negative' thing such as writing and so I seek a 'positive thing' like spending some time 'wasting my time' on meaningless TV shows because I feel I am entitled to, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just living out my life according to how I have labeled everything within a polarity system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cleaning my home and getting organized as 'negative' and as a burden because in doing so I am always pestering my partner to 'share the burden' even when it is not logical or practical that he should be the one helping me out when I have all this time that I just mismanage because I fear that managing my time tightly will make me feel imprisoned, caged and make me desire to rebel and give it all up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define everything I do as negative so that I am entitled to be helped out by my partner because I have had such a hard day and within this for pushing this request for help even during days when he goes out for real physical work while I stay comfortably at home building up reasons about why I am entitled to be helped out because of all the 'hard work and negative stuff ' I have done during the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that things and activities exist in a polarity of positive and negative in my mind because I have defined them so and for no other reason and that since I was the one defining them, I can redefine them beyond any polarity so it won't matter whatever I do at any time and I will be able to do whatever needs to be done outside of an accountancy sheet that measures my debts and credits toward my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself 'I have no time' and for accepting and allowing myself to feel so tired at all times to prove that I do need time off from something instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am in truth seeking time off from myself and this is just never going to happen

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too tired even for sex which proves I am really tired and need some rest

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that sitting down and writing myself out is an option I can decide to take up or not, instead of setting a rule for myself that I will sit down and write no matter what, because I have seen, realized and understood what an amazing support writing is for me and that I can always find the time to write a SF blog even if I don't have the time to write a LIG blog that may demand more time or research on my side

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I live a privileged life even within this temporary money restriction that doesn't allow me to move as freely as I would like but I have a home, food on the table, a caring partner and there is nothing wrong or negative in my life unless I insist on making it so to justify why I am so tired and why I need to rest and not participate in this journey with my group as consistently as I am able to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I face a wall I should be glad as it means I have come to the end of a layer and I now have to push beyond the next layer of lies and excuses to keep moving and that facing a wall is in no way a sign of failure or of ineffectiveness but of steady walking that I cannot accept to stop just because I have bought into the definition of 'facing a wall' as something final, when in fact facing a wall means there is a wall somewhere in my mind and I just need to walk through it to the other side by applying myself with consistency

When and as I see myself defining my day as 'negative' in an attempt to pile up brownie points for my deliberate 'can't participate - can't write - have done enough negative stuff for today' I stop, breathe, redefine in the moment what I am doing beyond polarity so as to not allow myself as the Mind to pile up 'valid excuses ' why I am entitled to not support myself through writing

When and as I see myself about to nag my partner about what he did not share with me that I have defined as negative and needs to be done, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing negative or positive about cleaning my home, organizing my meals, working meeting people and that I am only attempting to place the negative label on those tasks to be entitled to be helped out by my partner when he comes home and hence I push to breathe myself back here and stop

When and as I see myself desiring to blame my partner for not helping me out enough and then feel stupid when he tells me he is glad to go to work so he can finally rest there, I stop, breathe, do not even try to blame him for being honest about how he feels about my making up tons of tasks in the house to keep both of us busy, instead I look at where and how I can simplify some of the things that I believe 'must be done' everyday so we create some quality time to spend together that doesn't involve 'being busy doing something'

When and as I see myself wanting or about to buy into the 'I'm so tired' excuse, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have been much more effective in my life at other times when I did not have a choice of being ineffective and organize my day in a way where I can get everything done and have some time to spare to do things that I have now left behind to prove 'I'm too busy' even to write

When and as I see myself wanting to take a nap because I am too tired, I stop, breathe, investigate if this tiredness is physical and if so see how I can support my body better to overcome this tiredness and if it is not physical I breathe myself back here and push myself to do what needs to be done

I commit myself to walk across this perception of a wall that I am facing to realign myself and my living to what is best for me as what is best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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Day 400: Relationship Support - Go away Fatso

I had a conversation with my mother about why I want to lose weight and some interesting things emerged, which are tied in to why I have not lost weight yet.

So, against all odds - again comes this point of self judgement regarding my weight- I became interested in a man who was also interested in me, against all odds is because I have been overweight since I came back to Italy and hence I have lost 'value' in my own eyes due to being fat vs fit.

As the relationship developed and I discovered I really liked this man, a process that goes against any logical explanation started, which was that I put on more weight vs losing it.

Prompted by my mother questions about my weight gain and why I was stuck into not losing it, this is what emerged

how do I know if he really loves me if I get fit?

what will happen when I will 'gain value' through losing weight to my relationship?

will I still be interested or will I start to move 'on the market' because I believe I could have more/better than the man I have now?

is the value of the man I have now only in the fact that he accepts me as fat vs fit?

am I using all of the above as an excuse to not change my eating patterns?

what does all this say about me and my dishonesty in my relationship?

Of course this has had a lot of backlash, things that I suppress and then I blame him for like the fact that I don't feel attractive and then project this on him or the fact that if he searches for me for sex I find it demeaning and devaluing it to him, meaning he is less interesting to me because he is interested in me as a fat lady although I could not stand it if he made any comment about it in any way.
Quite a conundrum that I want to unravel with self forgiveness now and self corrective application to stop my fears and projections stemming from the first point of self judgement as fat is ugly and unworthy so, what is a man doing with me now? What are his REAL motives to be with me?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being fat or fat people as ugly and unattractive

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate being fat with being a slob, for associating being fat as something that is socially unacceptable because I held on to memories of when I was a child and I started to overeat to suppress stuff that was going on in my home, linking food to comfort and a sense of consolation instead of seeing, realizing and understanding we have created a society that paints specific images of women and what body shapes are ok and what not because we are dysfunctional and have become more invested in pictures than in substance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to those images of what would have been acceptable and for setting in my mind standards against which every time I departed the standard I felt diminished and devalued, not seeing, realizing and understanding I was the one accepting those body image standards in the first place as 'the way I should look' and then attempted to align to those expectations to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being fat is just a matter of lack of self discipline and restraint when in fact there are many things at play in weight fluctuation that I have never considered before or cared to consider before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner may make a comment out loud about me being fat and unattractive and within this fear from feeling resistance at the idea of being intimate

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself and the consequences I have created for myself as in this weight gain, which made me resist looking at the point and trying to deflect the blame of how I feel about it on my partner

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to go on the scale because I preferred to believe I did not gain so much weight and for feeling a sinking sensation when I did go on the scale and saw the weight I reached and had to face the reality of where I am at and embrace it before I can change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist losing weight because I have judged the idea of being slim as in being attractive and since I embarked on this journey to life I have placed a judgement on being attractive or wanting to be attractive and therefore I created an internal conflict between what I really wanted and what I pushed myself into, until I felt uncomfortable in my own skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being 'attractive' as in slim as a point of vanity, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I can redefine the word slender without emotional attachments and accept that my body built is slender and I don't have to make anything more of it than just embrace the design of my body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to participate in the common lie that I don't care about all the weight I have put on because I would like to be that kind of person that did not care, when I care on multiple levels some of which are health connected and some of which are system connected and I can correct my stance about my misalignments instead of trying to pretend to be ok with something I am not ok with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be ok with who I have become due to my weight gain because I believe that in the process of gaining weight I have lost value, which is the value I had deliberately placed on being slender and fit without seeing, realizing and understanding that whenever I place the value of me outside of myself into an idea or a belief I will have to soon or later face that point of divestment until I can return to myself what I have misplaced in an attempt to seek more value for myself believing I don't have value and have to work to 'gain value' one way or another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I refused to embrace myself as I am I was making a statement that I was sooner or later going to address this point, when in fact not embracing myself as who I am separated myself from myself and made it impossible for me to direct this point to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by stressing about my weight and then suppressing the truth of how much I disliked this new body I felt alien to, I only prolonged the moment in which I would be able to stand and do something about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose weight I will have to face my mind construct that states that ' no man is good enough for me because I could have whoever I want' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that this is an extra reason why I should deliberately go to the place where I know this construct activates, while I script another behavior for myself so I can face this point in the physical and solve it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts, fears, beliefs and opinions about my weight gain instead of looking at the practical solution of addressing this point and solving it so I can stop this constant preoccupation that I spend much time to suppress and pretend it's not there at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my partner to project on him my own insecurities, self judgements and fears and for secretly blaming him for what I did not want to take responsibility for because I did not want to look into this point in all its aspects and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question my partner's motives to be with me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was projecting on him my own self judgements about my weight and being fat while reducing him to someone with 'ulterior motives' because I judged myself as 'not looking good enough' to be in a relationship with an attractive man that is younger than me

When and as I see myself worrying about my weight, about to worry about my weight, starting to think about my weight, I stop, breathe, remind myself that this point is directed as I saw that the solution is to lose the weight and face my fears as I get to my comfortable weight and as I am on my way there and that I don't need to keep piling up weight in order to value my partner for accepting me 'the way I am'

When and as I see myself fearing that I might not be losing weight fast enough now that I have realized this point of self sabotage, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am not racing to lose weight but returning my body to a place where I feel comfortable and where my movements are in no way impaired or made difficult by the weight gain and that there is no specific weight I need to reach and I may or may not enter again in the clothes I used to wear and that shouldn't be a concern at all, when I will feel comfortable in my movement if I cannot fit my old clothes I will address that point then

When and as I see myself projecting myself forward into the future in fear of what I will do when the construct 'no man is good enough for me' activates, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have the time to work on that point before the point comes and to work out a script I can anchor myself to, so I will not be swayed into an alternate reality of the mind forgetting I have a man I have committed to and with whom I am building an agreement for the first time in my life

I commit myself to walk through all the layers in my mind in relation to food and weight to sort out my self judgements, beliefs and ideas until I can live comfortably in my body in and as it.

Related articles

• Day 45 - Never Skinny Enough, Never Curvy Enough
• Day 101: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Character
• Day 381: Prey to the Food God

Day 398: Relationship Paranoia - Ending the Spite

Continuing to dissect the Spiteful Character following my previous posts on the topic

The Normalization of Spite and Malice

Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning - links at the bottom

For what concerns how I lived Spite within my intimate relationship I can see that it started with the education I received from my grandmother on the topic of 'Men' and specifically about how, since men are dumb and basically dick-driven, women should always have the upper hand either through manipulation or spite.

Spite was the 'when all else failed' tool that women should apply to basically manoeuvre men back to their place, which was next to them in a sort of submissive fear driven way.

Of course such education came with the specific points a woman should exert her spite through, such as jealousy, I definitely see jealousy was the number 1 tool my grandmother and her generation of apparently submissive women would use to square the books, it is quite sad to see how we developed beliefs about each others, gender wise and relationship in general and easy to see why and how for many years in my life I never felt honest within a relationship and ended up blaming that perceived dishonesty on my partners and then how I would feel entitled to spite them to prove they were in fact the dishonest ones from the start.

Of course we can call all of the above a form of paranoia, it all starts with recurring thoughts about something I blame on another for which I seek a sort of revenge or pay back so I can apparently 'stop feeling the way I feel or stop experiencing myself in a specific way' for which -apparently- another is responsible - hence how the delusion of 'getting even' is just in fact very odd, it never worked and never will, those layers infact just keep accumulating in other imaginary credits for which the paranoia and then blame and then spite build up, some silly games we have been playing out there, time to stop.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question my grandmother teachings about life, men and relationship because they came from someone who would start the indoctrination session with the sentence 'you Know that I love you so much' and within this for failing to see that this is the passcode parents and relatives use to inhibit our firewalls and offload their crappy beliefs in a safe, unchecked and unprotected environment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the words 'I love you so much' to a way to enter the mind of another in a devious way where I could then try and have them believe that what I was about to say or do made sense because 'I loved them so much'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word 'love' as a pass into someone's mind where my real motives and drives would possibly go unnoticed, without seeing realizing and understanding that I was in the process of manipulating them for my own benefit and my own desired outcomes

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I did not get what I wanted, that I never asked for but tried to have through manipulation, to move into spite to get even at another for not delivering to me what I had originally set out to achieve without asking as to not create an open 'credit' if the other would concede to me what I really wanted and had asked for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my ex husband because he could see through all my mind games but instead of approaching me with the pass code 'you know I love you so much' to set my mind at ease, he would spell it out clearly to me that he was seeing what I was up to and then once I felt caught I would deny and move into the spiteful character to prove that I was not at all plotting and planning behind his back and that was why I was now entitled to my little payback having been off-ended unjustly

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of seeking solutions for my behavior, create stories and excuses about the other being wrong in the first place which would justify why I had a right to my spiteful stance and within this I forgive myself for not liking myself and separating myself into internal wars and conflicts about my behaviour that I wished to deny instead of taking responsibility for it and changing myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my behavior because I could not find effective tools to change without seeing realizing and understanding that I had missed out on the point that we play out the faulty character-istics we take on from our family and environment without questioning their validity and for not seeing realizing and understanding that we are copycatting each other in endless cycles of abusive behaviors because we have not found ways to correct ourselves yet

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a spiteful comment or moment comes up in my mind within my current relationship, to brush it off and tell myself I have changed because I don't act on it, mostly, anymore, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the popping up of those spiteful moments underlines that I have lived spite as who I am and I have to take back those moments and correct them to sort out the origin point of spite so that I can stand one and equal inside and out and no longer participate in spite as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use spiteful words and stances in my intimate relationships with the aim of diminishing another in my mind to prove that I was right from the get go and I had nothing to do with the devious behavior that some of them might suggest I was busy with and for using spite as the ultimate proof that I was in fact innocent -or I would not become spiteful as a consequence of what someone falsely said to me about me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify spite as 'so they would know what they put me through' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that no one has ever put me through anything because no one can make me feel or think something without my active participation or acceptance and allowance and that the lame excuse of having others 'feel what I felt' was never valid nor real but just an excuse to move into spite and feel righteous about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents and relatives when they were spiteful to me and their excuse of why they were being spiteful as in a lesson they were trying to teach me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no way anyone can learn anything through spite and that the 'teaching a lesson' is just another name for spite once it's charged with a spiteful stance and hence spite was always a tool that we have used to abuse ourselves and others no matter what label to justify it we placed on it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that through spite I have diminished myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my substance in spite as an attempt to not take responsibility for what was going on within me for which nobody was ever responsible but myself and for which I alone held the keys to change once I could take responsibility for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use jealousy to spite a man within a relationship, trying to make them feel jealous because my grandmother had said that if a man really loves you he will become jealous instead of seeing realizing and understanding that women in my society used jealousy to spite their men having understood that jealousy is a mind construct they could play to make another fearful and unsafe and within this for having desired to make a man fearful and unbalanced in spite of the fact that,once a man was fearful and unbalanced I would no longer see him as a man and would desire to trash him for good for his apparent weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by playing the spiteful character within my intimate relationships I have always and only spited myself and that if I want all abuse to end in this world, the point of spite and self spite must be corrected within me for good until I can stand stable and see clearly that I no longer participate in spite, no matter how small or big my spiteful stance might seem or how I try to downplay it by comparison to what I have been as in the full blown spiteful character

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spite within my personal relationship, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am about to walk a construct of the mind unless I stop and make another choice and so I breathe, keep myself stable until the enticing moment of spite wears out without my participation in anyway shape or form

When and as I see myself that I have already walked into the construct because some spiteful comment or stance is coming up within me that I see I desire to brush off, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that the mind is like an auction house putting an item up for me to buy it and participate in an energy construct that will turn me into a reactive being vs a self directed being and that I can say NO, breathe myself back to stability and will myself to choose to not participate

When and as I see myself I have fallen into the spiteful character because I had my guard down or because I feel entitled to that one tiny moment of secret spite, I stop, breathe, remind myself how I have walked in writing why I no longer want to participate and stick to my decision by forgiving myself immediately and correcting myself to not participate

When and as I see myself wanting to play the jealousy card because 'it's fun' apparently, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am just attempting to label spite with another name, remind myself that whatever the label I am attempting to move into a spiteful stance and will myself not to by directing myself to breathe instead until I can stand stable and see the desire to make someone jealous fade as I do not allow myself to participate within it

I commit myself to stop being spiteful in my personal relationships

I commit myself to investigate when and why I am triggered into a moment of desire to be spiteful to see what I need to correct for which I am still blaming another

I commit myself to not repeat the patterns of behavior of those that came before me and created this world that I see needs to change and for which I want to stand as one piece that changes back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

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Related articles

• Day 394: The Normalization of Spite and Malice
• Day 396: Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning
• Day 387: Relationships Paranoia - Criticism - How to Handle It
• Spite Is Good. Spite Works
• Day 520: Why Are we Here on Earth? - Role of Death - Part 7
• 8 houses that spite built
• Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia