I have been very tired lately - very tired.
The little time I spare here and there I want to spend it 'for me' possibly on the couch resting, which means doing nothing that has to do with this journey.
At some level I am aware that all excuses I come up with are just crap but I am very good at telling myself I 'deserve' some time 'for me' - whatever that means since when I do take this 'me time' I just waste it, anything will do, even watching a show on TV that is designed for the brain damaged people we have become.
Writing doesn't even come close to the top 10 things I would rather do in those moments of deflation, so in this blog I am redefining writing to realign it in my mind to a moment that is in fact 'me time', a moment in which I take care of myself and what goes on in my mind to release myself from those clutches and crutches that pain me on many levels and that I 'hope' they may go away with a nap or with some brain dumbing activity that I tell myself I am 'entitled to'.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive and then define writing as a burden, a drag, something I must do and hence activating within me the desire to not do it' so I can rebel and show 'who is in charge'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are more enjoyable things I could do with the little time I have left than writing and hence those are the things I should be doing, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I am facing a wall due to my own definitions of what writing is and why I am writing in the first place and that I can correct my stance by redefining everything I do until I place myself again in the position of writing comfortably to support myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe 'I have a right to do something else' whatever that else is - without seeing realizing and understanding I am specifically avoiding sitting down and writing because it seems there is too much to write about and to unravel and I can't possibly ever find all that time in my lifetime
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give a negative label to everything that I do during the day, from working to cleaning to organizing my life and hence, when I am done and I take stock of how many 'negative experiences' I have already walked in a day I can't find it within me to sit down and face another 'negative' thing such as writing and so I seek a 'positive thing' like spending some time 'wasting my time' on meaningless TV shows because I feel I am entitled to, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just living out my life according to how I have labeled everything within a polarity system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cleaning my home and getting organized as 'negative' and as a burden because in doing so I am always pestering my partner to 'share the burden' even when it is not logical or practical that he should be the one helping me out when I have all this time that I just mismanage because I fear that managing my time tightly will make me feel imprisoned, caged and make me desire to rebel and give it all up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define everything I do as negative so that I am entitled to be helped out by my partner because I have had such a hard day and within this for pushing this request for help even during days when he goes out for real physical work while I stay comfortably at home building up reasons about why I am entitled to be helped out because of all the 'hard work and negative stuff ' I have done during the day
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that things and activities exist in a polarity of positive and negative in my mind because I have defined them so and for no other reason and that since I was the one defining them, I can redefine them beyond any polarity so it won't matter whatever I do at any time and I will be able to do whatever needs to be done outside of an accountancy sheet that measures my debts and credits toward my time
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself 'I have no time' and for accepting and allowing myself to feel so tired at all times to prove that I do need time off from something instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am in truth seeking time off from myself and this is just never going to happen
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too tired even for sex which proves I am really tired and need some rest
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that sitting down and writing myself out is an option I can decide to take up or not, instead of setting a rule for myself that I will sit down and write no matter what, because I have seen, realized and understood what an amazing support writing is for me and that I can always find the time to write a SF blog even if I don't have the time to write a LIG blog that may demand more time or research on my side
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I live a privileged life even within this temporary money restriction that doesn't allow me to move as freely as I would like but I have a home, food on the table, a caring partner and there is nothing wrong or negative in my life unless I insist on making it so to justify why I am so tired and why I need to rest and not participate in this journey with my group as consistently as I am able to
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I face a wall I should be glad as it means I have come to the end of a layer and I now have to push beyond the next layer of lies and excuses to keep moving and that facing a wall is in no way a sign of failure or of ineffectiveness but of steady walking that I cannot accept to stop just because I have bought into the definition of 'facing a wall' as something final, when in fact facing a wall means there is a wall somewhere in my mind and I just need to walk through it to the other side by applying myself with consistency
When and as I see myself defining my day as 'negative' in an attempt to pile up brownie points for my deliberate 'can't participate - can't write - have done enough negative stuff for today' I stop, breathe, redefine in the moment what I am doing beyond polarity so as to not allow myself as the Mind to pile up 'valid excuses ' why I am entitled to not support myself through writing
When and as I see myself about to nag my partner about what he did not share with me that I have defined as negative and needs to be done, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing negative or positive about cleaning my home, organizing my meals, working meeting people and that I am only attempting to place the negative label on those tasks to be entitled to be helped out by my partner when he comes home and hence I push to breathe myself back here and stop
When and as I see myself desiring to blame my partner for not helping me out enough and then feel stupid when he tells me he is glad to go to work so he can finally rest there, I stop, breathe, do not even try to blame him for being honest about how he feels about my making up tons of tasks in the house to keep both of us busy, instead I look at where and how I can simplify some of the things that I believe 'must be done' everyday so we create some quality time to spend together that doesn't involve 'being busy doing something'
When and as I see myself wanting or about to buy into the 'I'm so tired' excuse, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have been much more effective in my life at other times when I did not have a choice of being ineffective and organize my day in a way where I can get everything done and have some time to spare to do things that I have now left behind to prove 'I'm too busy' even to write
When and as I see myself wanting to take a nap because I am too tired, I stop, breathe, investigate if this tiredness is physical and if so see how I can support my body better to overcome this tiredness and if it is not physical I breathe myself back here and push myself to do what needs to be done
I commit myself to walk across this perception of a wall that I am facing to realign myself and my living to what is best for me as what is best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One