Day 400: Relationship Support - Go away Fatso

I had a conversation with my mother about why I want to lose weight and some interesting things emerged, which are tied in to why I have not lost weight yet.

So, against all odds - again comes this point of self judgement regarding my weight- I became interested in a man who was also interested in me, against all odds is because I have been overweight since I came back to Italy and hence I have lost 'value' in my own eyes due to being fat vs fit.

As the relationship developed and I discovered I really liked this man, a process that goes against any logical explanation started, which was that I put on more weight vs losing it.

Prompted by my mother questions about my weight gain and why I was stuck into not losing it, this is what emerged

how do I know if he really loves me if I get fit?

what will happen when I will 'gain value' through losing weight to my relationship?

will I still be interested or will I start to move 'on the market' because I believe I could have more/better than the man I have now?

is the value of the man I have now only in the fact that he accepts me as fat vs fit?

am I using all of the above as an excuse to not change my eating patterns?

what does all this say about me and my dishonesty in my relationship?

Of course this has had a lot of backlash, things that I suppress and then I blame him for like the fact that I don't feel attractive and then project this on him or the fact that if he searches for me for sex I find it demeaning and devaluing it to him, meaning he is less interesting to me because he is interested in me as a fat lady although I could not stand it if he made any comment about it in any way.
Quite a conundrum that I want to unravel with self forgiveness now and self corrective application to stop my fears and projections stemming from the first point of self judgement as fat is ugly and unworthy so, what is a man doing with me now? What are his REAL motives to be with me?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being fat or fat people as ugly and unattractive

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate being fat with being a slob, for associating being fat as something that is socially unacceptable because I held on to memories of when I was a child and I started to overeat to suppress stuff that was going on in my home, linking food to comfort and a sense of consolation instead of seeing, realizing and understanding we have created a society that paints specific images of women and what body shapes are ok and what not because we are dysfunctional and have become more invested in pictures than in substance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to those images of what would have been acceptable and for setting in my mind standards against which every time I departed the standard I felt diminished and devalued, not seeing, realizing and understanding I was the one accepting those body image standards in the first place as 'the way I should look' and then attempted to align to those expectations to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being fat is just a matter of lack of self discipline and restraint when in fact there are many things at play in weight fluctuation that I have never considered before or cared to consider before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner may make a comment out loud about me being fat and unattractive and within this fear from feeling resistance at the idea of being intimate

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself and the consequences I have created for myself as in this weight gain, which made me resist looking at the point and trying to deflect the blame of how I feel about it on my partner

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to go on the scale because I preferred to believe I did not gain so much weight and for feeling a sinking sensation when I did go on the scale and saw the weight I reached and had to face the reality of where I am at and embrace it before I can change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist losing weight because I have judged the idea of being slim as in being attractive and since I embarked on this journey to life I have placed a judgement on being attractive or wanting to be attractive and therefore I created an internal conflict between what I really wanted and what I pushed myself into, until I felt uncomfortable in my own skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being 'attractive' as in slim as a point of vanity, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I can redefine the word slender without emotional attachments and accept that my body built is slender and I don't have to make anything more of it than just embrace the design of my body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to participate in the common lie that I don't care about all the weight I have put on because I would like to be that kind of person that did not care, when I care on multiple levels some of which are health connected and some of which are system connected and I can correct my stance about my misalignments instead of trying to pretend to be ok with something I am not ok with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be ok with who I have become due to my weight gain because I believe that in the process of gaining weight I have lost value, which is the value I had deliberately placed on being slender and fit without seeing, realizing and understanding that whenever I place the value of me outside of myself into an idea or a belief I will have to soon or later face that point of divestment until I can return to myself what I have misplaced in an attempt to seek more value for myself believing I don't have value and have to work to 'gain value' one way or another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I refused to embrace myself as I am I was making a statement that I was sooner or later going to address this point, when in fact not embracing myself as who I am separated myself from myself and made it impossible for me to direct this point to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by stressing about my weight and then suppressing the truth of how much I disliked this new body I felt alien to, I only prolonged the moment in which I would be able to stand and do something about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose weight I will have to face my mind construct that states that ' no man is good enough for me because I could have whoever I want' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that this is an extra reason why I should deliberately go to the place where I know this construct activates, while I script another behavior for myself so I can face this point in the physical and solve it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts, fears, beliefs and opinions about my weight gain instead of looking at the practical solution of addressing this point and solving it so I can stop this constant preoccupation that I spend much time to suppress and pretend it's not there at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my partner to project on him my own insecurities, self judgements and fears and for secretly blaming him for what I did not want to take responsibility for because I did not want to look into this point in all its aspects and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question my partner's motives to be with me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was projecting on him my own self judgements about my weight and being fat while reducing him to someone with 'ulterior motives' because I judged myself as 'not looking good enough' to be in a relationship with an attractive man that is younger than me

When and as I see myself worrying about my weight, about to worry about my weight, starting to think about my weight, I stop, breathe, remind myself that this point is directed as I saw that the solution is to lose the weight and face my fears as I get to my comfortable weight and as I am on my way there and that I don't need to keep piling up weight in order to value my partner for accepting me 'the way I am'

When and as I see myself fearing that I might not be losing weight fast enough now that I have realized this point of self sabotage, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am not racing to lose weight but returning my body to a place where I feel comfortable and where my movements are in no way impaired or made difficult by the weight gain and that there is no specific weight I need to reach and I may or may not enter again in the clothes I used to wear and that shouldn't be a concern at all, when I will feel comfortable in my movement if I cannot fit my old clothes I will address that point then

When and as I see myself projecting myself forward into the future in fear of what I will do when the construct 'no man is good enough for me' activates, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have the time to work on that point before the point comes and to work out a script I can anchor myself to, so I will not be swayed into an alternate reality of the mind forgetting I have a man I have committed to and with whom I am building an agreement for the first time in my life

I commit myself to walk through all the layers in my mind in relation to food and weight to sort out my self judgements, beliefs and ideas until I can live comfortably in my body in and as it.

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