Friday, March 7, 2014

Day 383: Purging in BED - The Illusion of Control

If you come from a family with eating disorders or from a culture that worships food and has historically considered purging as the way to go to manage excesses, you may, like me, never have considered that there is a point of desire to be in control in 'purging' like there is in anorexia or bulimia that manifests in different ways.

My personal experience with purging is mainly one of relief, I never considered the point of 'control' until I was looking for a picture for this blog and found the one I posted above.

But what was the sense of relief always about? Relief from the physical discomfort, this would be for sure one, but there was a relief as well from the sense of being out of control, overcome by a pattern that is unstoppable, having boarded a train whose destination has to be the toilet bowl, that is the end of the line if you can't get off the train sooner, not even by jumping out of the window.

Today as I listened to one of the amazing Eqafe interviews, specifically the one about Spite, I was overcome with emotion as that interview spelled out the story of my life and my childhood, I will write extensively about it from my next blog, but I saw how this behavior as well ties into it nicely, I took on the excesses of my grandparents to spite my mother, without realizing she had done the same, so I made a copy of the spite system and then activated my own - and then went on to blame others for what I saw as a copycat behavior I assumed I was given and not saw I had taken on partly without awareness and partly deliberately.

So, letting now go of the past shame for this self abuse and the perception that then became a belief that I would never be able to get off my family train, whom I blamed for having made a BED for me to Lie in it, when this in fact was never the case.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as out of control regarding food and for accepting eating disorders as who I am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that food is both a joy and a threat and as such condemn myself to never have a pragmatic relationship to food as just the fuel for my body but allowed myself to base my food choices on emotions, feelings, memories projections and expectations while seeking good positive experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of our delusions regarding matters of the world and the mind within food addictions and for desiring to blame another for my own self accepted and self created patterns, instead of seeking a solution that would end this pattern with me -for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on this pattern because it seemed too extensive, too big, impossible to dismantle, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was facing resistance from my mind that feared to lose one of my major energy and personality construct as the deranged addict to excesses

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the part I played in the creation of this eating disorder as a way to spite my mother, who herself suffered from an eating disorder but did everything in her power to not make me follow in her footsteps including pushing me to do exercise and eat healthily, solutions that just ended up compounding my sense of being abused and violated and reinforced my desire to rebel and spite her back by embracing her eating disorder as my own

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that an eating disorder is nothing more than a dis-order, in which something misaligned in my mind and then was reinforced through justifications and excuses to prove why I was allowed to abuse myself to spite my mother -and make her suffer from guilt and shame in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disheartened as I wrote this within the realization that I played the victim when I was in fact the perpetrator of behaviors I knew would inflict  anguish on my mother to get back at her for pushing me to get the best for myself in this life, which I did not, so I could show her that she had ruined my life and she should be responsible for me forever instead of stopping my self destructive pattern and become a point of stability for myself and others, equal and one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid as I wrote this out because I perceived a momentum of release of energy and patterns that made my heart beat faster fearing that I may not be able to get to the bottom of it and release this system completely in one go, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I'm not in a race and that I can stabilize myself in any point while dismantling a pattern to take it on again when  the point opens up further either through my own investigation or as a consequence of the words I am writing now

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when indulging in binge eating, not stop as soon as I saw I was walking the same pattern over and over again but instead project myself already at the purging point as the solution, as my point of control, reassuring myself that I was in control because there it was, purging as the solution, instead of taking a stand and push against a behavior I had now automated  to its completion to the satisfaction of myself as the mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hang on to fantasies of myself as a balanced woman with a healthy relationship with food because within these fantasies I separated myself from the solution, accepting and allowing myself to believe that the solution was out there somewhere in the future and that it would come naturally to me, instead of actively working toward the solution until the solution was one and equal to who I am as a balanced woman within a pragmatic approach to food as simply nutrition for my body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed regarding my lack of control in relation to this food pattern and to live in fear that I could always be attacked by one of my patterns and then I would have to live it out all the way to the toilet bowl and within this for standing inferior to my mind accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself instead of standing one and equal to myself as the mind and correcting myself and my patterns equal and one to a solution to end all self abuse

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry such a weight on the top of my shoulders made of guilt and shame and regret for what I have become and for what I have participated within and as me, as spite that culminated into self abuse that took the form of a BED instead of releasing myself from my past and releasing all the other people involved with me in keeping this pattern alive by rewriting for myself a script I can live out when and as I activate one of those BED patterns until I come to the total deletion of them once and for all

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into that mental space where I know I exist as a binge eating disorder I stop, breathe, remind myself that I clearly saw the origin of this pattern and therefore I can't fool myself any longer, instead I seek where is the point of anger that made me wish to become spiteful toward another and that I am now attempting to turn on myself,  work on the emotional content to release myself and do not give in to BED as a solution  to suppress my emotions

When and as I see myself become angry at someone for something I perceive they have done, said, not done or not said to me, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I cannot afford to go down that route because I have turned spite into an art form that I yet have to work on to release myself from, instead I take out a piece of paper and make a note of my perceived received wrongdoing to work on it to a solution as soon as I have the opportunity

When and as I see myself in a conversation with my mother reacting to something like I did the other day, I stop, breathe, do not allow that point to fester into anger which will then in turn fester into spite, instead I commit to not engage any thoughts about it but to flag the point so I can work on it when I have the opportunity once the conversation with her is over

I commit myself to no longer use food as a way to spite myself and others

I commit myself to forgive myself and others unconditionally for everything that comes up within me that is related to this specific pattern

I commit myself to let go of food as a positive experience to re balance my perceived negative experiences of and as myself and to work to resolve the negative experiences into a solution that ends my participation within and as them

I commit myself to support my body one and equal with me in relation to food and when I see, sense, perceive that I am about to not stand by my commitment, to not do anything that would compromise me and lead me to walk my previous patterns but to stabilize myself within and as breath until I can further investigate what is going on and bring it to a solution once and for all

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