Post 423 walked privately
Yesterday I listened to an interview of the Series 'The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination', it was no. 12 called 'Where does Self judgement come from?' and it was a great Knock on the Head for me because it framed one of my relationship problems which I will uravel just now and made Self Judgement look and sound very unglamorous and totally phony.
I had already seen by myself the point in the past of 'not forgiving myself for something -because at least I don't forgive myself' which shows the extent of theMentia the Mind is willing to go to to protect self interest as energetic sources, but I had missed out on this one completely, of how Self Judgement seems to be fair game for the same reasons as in 'I am not forgiving myself -at least I was wrong but I am righteous', duh, so 'At least I criticize myself first, I don't have to wait for others to do it for me, this shows I am aware of my mistakes, hence I am good'.
The interview mentioned as well how this creates problems in relationships because I end up 'too busy judging myself and I don't have time for a relationship', to which I could add that since one fills up quite fast with self judgement, then it gets shared with another, projected outside, and so the unhappy stance I had with myself becomes the unhappy stance I have with another until I lose interest overwhelmed by guilt and blame.
So, here goes my self forgiveness because I can snap out of it, it's just a matter of being more aware of when I automatically move into self judgement to stop the automation because this is a side I have opened up recently of self responsibility for myself as I tried to clear the words 'taking self responsibility' to explain it to another in Italian, it means to ready oneself to step out of a specific automated mode to be finally response-able for the same event taking place in the future as one commits to not let the automatic response move faster than one's awareness but to create a gap when one can step in, in self awareness, as self awareness, to make another choice instead, a new choice, never tried before choice that considers what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the righteousness I sought through 'judging myself' is just an energetic pay back to balance out what I believed I said, thought or did wrong, instead of stepping up to the task of correcting myself beyond any useless judgement
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I judge myself first, when others will judge me I won't have to feel the reaction to being judged instead of seeing realizing and understanding, there has always and only been me judging myself in ways that could have an impact on myself and my physical body
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself endlessly so I could believe I was a good person because at least I judged myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy and paste this behavior from my mother who was always judging herself and while I judged her for judging herself, I judged myself and within this for judging my mother for her patterns of behavior without seeing, realizing and understanding we are all copy and paste of someone who has walked before us and many don't yet have the tools to correct themselves
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when seeing others who did not judge themselves thinking 'wow, you can't even see what you are doing' and wishing they judged themselves as harshly as I judged myself so I could share the burden of this pattern and keep believing that those that are righteous but wrong will at least 'judge themselves harshly' as if that could bring about any solution instead of stopping my desire to judge myself and the desire that others judge themselves equally, so we can move on beyond judgements to correct ourselves and realign to a world that works for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this pattern of self judgement was always in the way of me having a functional relationship because I would build up self judgement picking up on 'imaginary cues' coming from my partner, ending up blaming them for all the self judgement I was experiencing inside myself instead of taking self responsability as in deciding I was going to stop that pattern that I had automated in and as me and create a new behavior that was conducive to solutions vs flagellation
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my own self judgement weighted me down as I lined up all the good reasons I had accumulated historically to judge myself and kept them handy to dust up and use when I felt the need to punish myself for who I believed I had been in thoughts, words and deeds
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I stuck to some of my 'negative' energetic rides because I felt less guilty than if I had held on to the positive ones, so I could justify myself that I was not doing it on purpose because 'who wants to feel bad', when in fact it is to see that the addiction is to 'feeling' as in generating an energetic experience and it makes no difference which side of the polarity I ride and within this for accepting and allowing myself to harm myself by accumulating self judgement that inevitably ended up in desire for self punishment through overeating, lack of exercise and a general zombification of myself which I no longer accept to participate in and as
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that many of my self punishing behaviors stemmed from this practice of 'self judgement' and lack of self acceptance and that I would use self punishment to square the books instead of correcting myself so that I would no longer have to face the dis-appointment of myself as directive principle of my internal and external world
When and as I see myself about to judge myself, desiring to judge myself, looking for ammos I can use to blackmail myself into self judgement, I stop, breathe, bring up to mind the interview I heard deeply and tell myself that I am aware of what I'm trying to do and that I have committed to no longer allow myself to exist as self judgement, breathe, stabilize myself and keep walking
I commit myself to apply myself until this pattern is completely resolved within me and to refuse to engage self judgement as a way to generate energy and feel 'alive'
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that self judgement is self abuse and that I cannot participate in self abuse while wanting the abuse of this world to end and within this I commit myself to keep correcting myself from self judgement to self forgiveness in the moment and the application of self correction to become part of the solution and stop existing as part of the problem