Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Day 288: Looking at Taking Things Personally

Today I spoke to my ex h., he asked if he can stay at my place for Easter because one of his aunts died and he is coming to see the family.

I said 'of curse course, you are always welcome' - and of course I didn't mean it.

I wish I did, I wish I was that kind of woman that would really say 'you are welcome' and mean it, specifically to him because as we say 'much water has gone under the bridge' and yet obviously - not enough.

Anyway, there is a specific reason I am clear about regarding why I felt I was not happy to see him and I may work on it in private, but what I want to write about today is this trigger that still works between us.

It goes like this

he asks for my advice or an idea or what food we should eat - and I make a suggestion, and he then goes on to say 'NO' and explain why my suggestion is wrong.

I had almost forgotten about this because I wrote a lot of SF on my relationship, but today as I did not see the trigger coming s I basked in the delusion that I was done with our misunderstandings, he asked me an idea about a business, I gave one, he proceeded on our usual track to explain why it was NOT a good idea, I explained the whole sides of it, which he proceeded to debate and THEN, an the tenth 'NO' I saw the trigger but it was too late, because I was already reacting with the usual 'why the fuck ask me then - if you have an answer why not go with your answer instead of using me to bounce off how clever you are to see all the whys what I said will not work', this was just backchat, not shared, but from there I saw myself move into the Ironic Character, and I had to repeatedly stop myself and delete all the jokes I wrote because they were not humorous, they were 'gotcha' jokes - my way of evening out the ledger.

When we do "ideas" the trigger is not too strong - I was once given a key about him from a girlfriend that worked with NLP, she told me he is a "faulfinder by profession" and he doesn't mean anything PERSONALLY. So it is about taking something personally again, feeling diminished because my idea and hence myself was not good enough.

It gets worse with restaurants, because I have a belief that if you ask, you must sincerely not know what you want to eat, so why it only becomes clear that you don't want to eat Chinese, Japanese, Turkish, Indian, Italian - just after I say it, this is harder to believe, so I always interpret this point as the 'desire to pick a fight', today we treaded lightly the food point and I was vague because I had seen myself wearing my little fuchsia battle helmet for 'rejected ideas' and I was not stable enough to walk the food trigger.

As well there is a deep seated anger about relationships that is triggered when we talk but it's deep deep, like a blame I don't even want to admit to myself -that it is because of him that the idea of a relationship is now revolting to me, vs taking responsibility for how I end up feeling within a relationship that made me design this revolting point as a screen to cover up the fear that I may be the problem of relationships and that I should no longer chance one, least I have to face this point once more, and so, blaming him it's all too easy, so easy in fact that I deny doing it and then bury the whole story 6 feet under, never deep enough to not fear it may all raise its ugly head again and so the rage that boils up from all of that, the rage is the dragon I have put to guard that secret, the rage is the the lid, so when I see the rage potential I won't go and dig into what is really going on there and how to dig it all out to self correct.

Tomorrow I will look into this point to clear myself and see if for once I can enjoy this visit and the time we have to spend together.

Process Instructions @ Desteni

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