Day 405: The Perception of a Worth-Less Life and Regrets

Some days I feel this gloominess about living a life that makes no sense - for sure in my mind I must be comparing it with 'a life that makes sense' and finding that I am way short from that.

A life that makes sense in this system is a life where I can feel free to move as I please, make plans, have choices and not just have enough to barely survive on every month, so this perception is surely Money related, it's the feeling of being paralyzed and frozen in a time warp where I can only live out the consequences of my poor choices, for many of which I live in a state of regret.

This was clear to me yesterday when I saw a post from a far away friend that brought up, again, the life I used to live with this life that I perceive as worthless, which in money terms it is, it is worth-less, I have less money circulating and hence much of my time, reasoning, conversations are about money. I put a price on everything I do or don't do, this of course leaves me with a sense of worth-less-ness and all because of money. Sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that our worth is money defined and for rejoicing in the perception of a 'worthy' life when I had a lot of money, creating for myself the future perception of a worthless life to live out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being responsible about my life means living in the regret of the poor choices I have made because this is how 'I face consequences', creating regret to prove to myself I would not make the same choices again, if I had the chance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of this regret because if I did I would be irresponsible and when my mother would bring up 'en passant' the poor choices I have made when I had money, I would have to feel irritated instead of agreeing through keeping alive the regret for what I have done with money when I had it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that living in regret shows that I have changed, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that changing would mean let go of my past so I can create something new, that cannot come through regret

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value myself and others based on the money they can turn over, having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are intelligent and educated you will make money in the system, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is not always so and that I made the decision to walk out of the system to prove the point that I could manifest money out of thin air and, when I could not, I felt cheated and stupid for ever having believed such nonsense as the Law of Attraction

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be moved by anything that brings up images, memories, thoughts, emotions and feelings about the life I used to live as I immediately compare it with the life I live now, until I feel worth-less and unhappy about myself and my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I made decisions based on what I understood at the time when I walked away from the system and that I have to stop the self judgements, blame and self hatred for what I have done and the self judgement of having been a dope because unless I let go I can not free myself to start living this life I live now, while I wait and hope to get back to the life I used to live back then

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Money is what gives worth to life, without seeing realizing and understanding that if I don't correct this stance within me I am one point of support for this system that puts money before Life, because I myself put money before Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up about having given up the opportunity of a lifetime to follow some crap belief system and within this I forgive myself for not having taken the time to let go of this point not even when I saw that money had become an obsession in my mind due to how I had linked mine and others' worth to money and then attempting to get back my worth and my life's worth through money without succeding at it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry about money all the time because worry is one way I have understood as 'caring about something or somebody' and if I worry about it all the time I prove that I am concerned about being now responsible and caring about my financial situation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that an obsession about money is the result of the relationship I have created to it, having attached my worth and my life's worth to this 'idea' and that I can correct this relationship to free myself regardless of how much money I have at all times

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel concerned about my relationship and the point that my partner has not been able to contribute equally due to the financial situation of my country and of many people around the world and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am applying to my partner as a measure of his 'value/worth' the number as money that he is able to turn around in a month, diminishing him as a being through the eyes of my money personality and within this for always putting a price tag on everything I do for him, with him feeling that I am building up credits for which 'he will have to do something' to get even

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in myself because I have written about the money point within my relationship and for expecting that I would just magically change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the money personality is one of our main personality system and I will have to walk these changes into the physical, until I become the script I have written out for myself regarding this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less worthy since my friendship with my 'best friend' ended due to how I mishandled a situation between the two of us and due to having invested some of my 'worth' into the reflection of myself within our relationship, when this relationship ended I felt less, less worthy, less protected from what could happen to me, less sheltered by hers and her husband wealth and within this for feeling like a 'loser' because of what I lost when this relationship came to an end

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my friendship with my 'ex best friend' was based on projecting back to each other exactly the personalities we wished to be known as and that what I lost with the end of our relationship is a 'perception of myself', a mask of myself, a cover up and the possibility to hide the truth of myself behind the image of me that I could see through the eyes of another, a favour I dutifully returned making our friendship never true, never real but just an engagement of personality systems that could not last beyond the threat of having to give up our self created images for one another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss my ex best friend and her presence in my life, without seeing, realizing and understanding that what I miss is that feedback that stated that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was just an original, peculiar person and not the mind system I feared I was and did not know how to change into something real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I always wanted 'a best friend' in my life in the hope that I could trust someone because I did not trust myself and that what I really miss is an intimate relationship of acceptance with myself, where I can accept who I have become as I walk to change what I can see needs to be corrected and realigned to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, equal and one

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not take full responsibility for why this relationship ended, attempting to make my friend the reason and the one to blame instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the reason why I found it impossible to keep that friendship going when she became close to my ex husband was that I feared what my ex husband would expose about me things that I did not share with her because those 'events' in my relationship did not match the personality system through which we operated and that I was the first one getting close to her husband and doing to her what I feared she may do to me and within this for trying to blame her for what she said about what she learned about me instead of using that moment as an opportunity to walk beyond my personality system and become more intimate with her and with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to forgive myself regarding my ex best friend because when I don't forgive myself I am 'principled' and better than those that do forgive themselves and within this for withholding this forgiveness as a way to feel good about what I have done instead of letting go of the need to feel good about something I feel ashamed about so I can deal with the shame and get over it once and for all

When and as I see myself wanting to entertain some memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions in relation to my 'past life', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to participate because I am aware that it's just an attempt to self sabotage myself into a state of worthlessness, instead I busy myself physically and breathe myself back to stability

When and as I see myself wanting to put a price on something, wanting to talk about money when it's not contextual to the moment I am living I stop, breathe and let go of the perceived 'need to put a price on everything

When and as I see myself looking back with regret at my relationship with my ex best friend, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I can't change what I have done but I can change who I am and what I stand for and as, to no longer create such consequences in my life such as shame and regret

I commit myself to bring back the pieces of worth that I have invested outside of myself and to return worth to myself as Life and not as Money or my ability to spend or my ability to have a best friend as I see, realize and understand that my worth is in me as Life and I can bring back all my divested worth until I can stand one and equal to the word Worth Equal and One with My self

Related articles

• 259: Forgiving the Search for Self Worth
• Day 373: Letting Hong Kong go
• Day 104: Cheap/Worthy Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment
• 256: My Self Worth
• Day 170: The (De)Grading of Children - Teacher Character

Day 402: Redefining Writing - From Burden to Self Support

I have been very tired lately - very tired.

The little time I spare here and there I want to spend it 'for me' possibly on the couch resting, which means doing nothing that has to do with this journey.

At some level I am aware that all excuses I come up with are just crap but I am very good at telling myself I 'deserve' some time 'for me' - whatever that means since when I do take this 'me time' I just waste it, anything will do, even watching a show on TV that is designed for the brain damaged people we have become.

Writing doesn't even come close to the top 10 things I would rather do in those moments of deflation, so in this blog I am redefining writing to realign it in my mind to a moment that is in fact 'me time', a moment in which I take care of myself and what goes on in my mind to release myself from those clutches and crutches that pain me on many levels and that I 'hope' they may go away with a nap or with some brain dumbing activity that I tell myself I am 'entitled to'.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive and then define writing as a burden, a drag, something I must do and hence activating within me the desire to not do it' so I can rebel and show 'who is in charge'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are more enjoyable things I could do with the little time I have left than writing and hence those are the things I should be doing, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I am facing a wall due to my own definitions of what writing is and why I am writing in the first place and that I can correct my stance by redefining everything I do until I place myself again in the position of writing comfortably to support myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe 'I have a right to do something else' whatever that else is - without seeing realizing and understanding I am specifically avoiding sitting down and writing because it seems there is too much to write about and to unravel and I can't possibly ever find all that time in my lifetime

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give a negative label to everything that I do during the day, from working to cleaning to organizing my life and hence, when I am done and I take stock of how many 'negative experiences' I have already walked in a day I can't find it within me to sit down and face another 'negative' thing such as writing and so I seek a 'positive thing' like spending some time 'wasting my time' on meaningless TV shows because I feel I am entitled to, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just living out my life according to how I have labeled everything within a polarity system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cleaning my home and getting organized as 'negative' and as a burden because in doing so I am always pestering my partner to 'share the burden' even when it is not logical or practical that he should be the one helping me out when I have all this time that I just mismanage because I fear that managing my time tightly will make me feel imprisoned, caged and make me desire to rebel and give it all up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define everything I do as negative so that I am entitled to be helped out by my partner because I have had such a hard day and within this for pushing this request for help even during days when he goes out for real physical work while I stay comfortably at home building up reasons about why I am entitled to be helped out because of all the 'hard work and negative stuff ' I have done during the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that things and activities exist in a polarity of positive and negative in my mind because I have defined them so and for no other reason and that since I was the one defining them, I can redefine them beyond any polarity so it won't matter whatever I do at any time and I will be able to do whatever needs to be done outside of an accountancy sheet that measures my debts and credits toward my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself 'I have no time' and for accepting and allowing myself to feel so tired at all times to prove that I do need time off from something instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am in truth seeking time off from myself and this is just never going to happen

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too tired even for sex which proves I am really tired and need some rest

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that sitting down and writing myself out is an option I can decide to take up or not, instead of setting a rule for myself that I will sit down and write no matter what, because I have seen, realized and understood what an amazing support writing is for me and that I can always find the time to write a SF blog even if I don't have the time to write a LIG blog that may demand more time or research on my side

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I live a privileged life even within this temporary money restriction that doesn't allow me to move as freely as I would like but I have a home, food on the table, a caring partner and there is nothing wrong or negative in my life unless I insist on making it so to justify why I am so tired and why I need to rest and not participate in this journey with my group as consistently as I am able to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I face a wall I should be glad as it means I have come to the end of a layer and I now have to push beyond the next layer of lies and excuses to keep moving and that facing a wall is in no way a sign of failure or of ineffectiveness but of steady walking that I cannot accept to stop just because I have bought into the definition of 'facing a wall' as something final, when in fact facing a wall means there is a wall somewhere in my mind and I just need to walk through it to the other side by applying myself with consistency

When and as I see myself defining my day as 'negative' in an attempt to pile up brownie points for my deliberate 'can't participate - can't write - have done enough negative stuff for today' I stop, breathe, redefine in the moment what I am doing beyond polarity so as to not allow myself as the Mind to pile up 'valid excuses ' why I am entitled to not support myself through writing

When and as I see myself about to nag my partner about what he did not share with me that I have defined as negative and needs to be done, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing negative or positive about cleaning my home, organizing my meals, working meeting people and that I am only attempting to place the negative label on those tasks to be entitled to be helped out by my partner when he comes home and hence I push to breathe myself back here and stop

When and as I see myself desiring to blame my partner for not helping me out enough and then feel stupid when he tells me he is glad to go to work so he can finally rest there, I stop, breathe, do not even try to blame him for being honest about how he feels about my making up tons of tasks in the house to keep both of us busy, instead I look at where and how I can simplify some of the things that I believe 'must be done' everyday so we create some quality time to spend together that doesn't involve 'being busy doing something'

When and as I see myself wanting or about to buy into the 'I'm so tired' excuse, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have been much more effective in my life at other times when I did not have a choice of being ineffective and organize my day in a way where I can get everything done and have some time to spare to do things that I have now left behind to prove 'I'm too busy' even to write

When and as I see myself wanting to take a nap because I am too tired, I stop, breathe, investigate if this tiredness is physical and if so see how I can support my body better to overcome this tiredness and if it is not physical I breathe myself back here and push myself to do what needs to be done

I commit myself to walk across this perception of a wall that I am facing to realign myself and my living to what is best for me as what is best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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• 316: Rebelling Against my Own Creation
• Day 180 - Redefining Discipline
• Day 100: Stop The Fear
• 289: 'Be Positive' says the Distraction
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• 256: My Self Worth

Day 400: Relationship Support - Go away Fatso

I had a conversation with my mother about why I want to lose weight and some interesting things emerged, which are tied in to why I have not lost weight yet.

So, against all odds - again comes this point of self judgement regarding my weight- I became interested in a man who was also interested in me, against all odds is because I have been overweight since I came back to Italy and hence I have lost 'value' in my own eyes due to being fat vs fit.

As the relationship developed and I discovered I really liked this man, a process that goes against any logical explanation started, which was that I put on more weight vs losing it.

Prompted by my mother questions about my weight gain and why I was stuck into not losing it, this is what emerged

how do I know if he really loves me if I get fit?

what will happen when I will 'gain value' through losing weight to my relationship?

will I still be interested or will I start to move 'on the market' because I believe I could have more/better than the man I have now?

is the value of the man I have now only in the fact that he accepts me as fat vs fit?

am I using all of the above as an excuse to not change my eating patterns?

what does all this say about me and my dishonesty in my relationship?

Of course this has had a lot of backlash, things that I suppress and then I blame him for like the fact that I don't feel attractive and then project this on him or the fact that if he searches for me for sex I find it demeaning and devaluing it to him, meaning he is less interesting to me because he is interested in me as a fat lady although I could not stand it if he made any comment about it in any way.
Quite a conundrum that I want to unravel with self forgiveness now and self corrective application to stop my fears and projections stemming from the first point of self judgement as fat is ugly and unworthy so, what is a man doing with me now? What are his REAL motives to be with me?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being fat or fat people as ugly and unattractive

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate being fat with being a slob, for associating being fat as something that is socially unacceptable because I held on to memories of when I was a child and I started to overeat to suppress stuff that was going on in my home, linking food to comfort and a sense of consolation instead of seeing, realizing and understanding we have created a society that paints specific images of women and what body shapes are ok and what not because we are dysfunctional and have become more invested in pictures than in substance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to those images of what would have been acceptable and for setting in my mind standards against which every time I departed the standard I felt diminished and devalued, not seeing, realizing and understanding I was the one accepting those body image standards in the first place as 'the way I should look' and then attempted to align to those expectations to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being fat is just a matter of lack of self discipline and restraint when in fact there are many things at play in weight fluctuation that I have never considered before or cared to consider before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner may make a comment out loud about me being fat and unattractive and within this fear from feeling resistance at the idea of being intimate

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself and the consequences I have created for myself as in this weight gain, which made me resist looking at the point and trying to deflect the blame of how I feel about it on my partner

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to go on the scale because I preferred to believe I did not gain so much weight and for feeling a sinking sensation when I did go on the scale and saw the weight I reached and had to face the reality of where I am at and embrace it before I can change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist losing weight because I have judged the idea of being slim as in being attractive and since I embarked on this journey to life I have placed a judgement on being attractive or wanting to be attractive and therefore I created an internal conflict between what I really wanted and what I pushed myself into, until I felt uncomfortable in my own skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being 'attractive' as in slim as a point of vanity, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I can redefine the word slender without emotional attachments and accept that my body built is slender and I don't have to make anything more of it than just embrace the design of my body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to participate in the common lie that I don't care about all the weight I have put on because I would like to be that kind of person that did not care, when I care on multiple levels some of which are health connected and some of which are system connected and I can correct my stance about my misalignments instead of trying to pretend to be ok with something I am not ok with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be ok with who I have become due to my weight gain because I believe that in the process of gaining weight I have lost value, which is the value I had deliberately placed on being slender and fit without seeing, realizing and understanding that whenever I place the value of me outside of myself into an idea or a belief I will have to soon or later face that point of divestment until I can return to myself what I have misplaced in an attempt to seek more value for myself believing I don't have value and have to work to 'gain value' one way or another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I refused to embrace myself as I am I was making a statement that I was sooner or later going to address this point, when in fact not embracing myself as who I am separated myself from myself and made it impossible for me to direct this point to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by stressing about my weight and then suppressing the truth of how much I disliked this new body I felt alien to, I only prolonged the moment in which I would be able to stand and do something about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose weight I will have to face my mind construct that states that ' no man is good enough for me because I could have whoever I want' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that this is an extra reason why I should deliberately go to the place where I know this construct activates, while I script another behavior for myself so I can face this point in the physical and solve it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts, fears, beliefs and opinions about my weight gain instead of looking at the practical solution of addressing this point and solving it so I can stop this constant preoccupation that I spend much time to suppress and pretend it's not there at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my partner to project on him my own insecurities, self judgements and fears and for secretly blaming him for what I did not want to take responsibility for because I did not want to look into this point in all its aspects and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question my partner's motives to be with me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was projecting on him my own self judgements about my weight and being fat while reducing him to someone with 'ulterior motives' because I judged myself as 'not looking good enough' to be in a relationship with an attractive man that is younger than me

When and as I see myself worrying about my weight, about to worry about my weight, starting to think about my weight, I stop, breathe, remind myself that this point is directed as I saw that the solution is to lose the weight and face my fears as I get to my comfortable weight and as I am on my way there and that I don't need to keep piling up weight in order to value my partner for accepting me 'the way I am'

When and as I see myself fearing that I might not be losing weight fast enough now that I have realized this point of self sabotage, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am not racing to lose weight but returning my body to a place where I feel comfortable and where my movements are in no way impaired or made difficult by the weight gain and that there is no specific weight I need to reach and I may or may not enter again in the clothes I used to wear and that shouldn't be a concern at all, when I will feel comfortable in my movement if I cannot fit my old clothes I will address that point then

When and as I see myself projecting myself forward into the future in fear of what I will do when the construct 'no man is good enough for me' activates, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have the time to work on that point before the point comes and to work out a script I can anchor myself to, so I will not be swayed into an alternate reality of the mind forgetting I have a man I have committed to and with whom I am building an agreement for the first time in my life

I commit myself to walk through all the layers in my mind in relation to food and weight to sort out my self judgements, beliefs and ideas until I can live comfortably in my body in and as it.

Related articles

• Day 45 - Never Skinny Enough, Never Curvy Enough
• Day 101: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Character
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Day 398: Relationship Paranoia - Ending the Spite

Continuing to dissect the Spiteful Character following my previous posts on the topic

The Normalization of Spite and Malice

Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning - links at the bottom

For what concerns how I lived Spite within my intimate relationship I can see that it started with the education I received from my grandmother on the topic of 'Men' and specifically about how, since men are dumb and basically dick-driven, women should always have the upper hand either through manipulation or spite.

Spite was the 'when all else failed' tool that women should apply to basically manoeuvre men back to their place, which was next to them in a sort of submissive fear driven way.

Of course such education came with the specific points a woman should exert her spite through, such as jealousy, I definitely see jealousy was the number 1 tool my grandmother and her generation of apparently submissive women would use to square the books, it is quite sad to see how we developed beliefs about each others, gender wise and relationship in general and easy to see why and how for many years in my life I never felt honest within a relationship and ended up blaming that perceived dishonesty on my partners and then how I would feel entitled to spite them to prove they were in fact the dishonest ones from the start.

Of course we can call all of the above a form of paranoia, it all starts with recurring thoughts about something I blame on another for which I seek a sort of revenge or pay back so I can apparently 'stop feeling the way I feel or stop experiencing myself in a specific way' for which -apparently- another is responsible - hence how the delusion of 'getting even' is just in fact very odd, it never worked and never will, those layers infact just keep accumulating in other imaginary credits for which the paranoia and then blame and then spite build up, some silly games we have been playing out there, time to stop.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question my grandmother teachings about life, men and relationship because they came from someone who would start the indoctrination session with the sentence 'you Know that I love you so much' and within this for failing to see that this is the passcode parents and relatives use to inhibit our firewalls and offload their crappy beliefs in a safe, unchecked and unprotected environment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the words 'I love you so much' to a way to enter the mind of another in a devious way where I could then try and have them believe that what I was about to say or do made sense because 'I loved them so much'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word 'love' as a pass into someone's mind where my real motives and drives would possibly go unnoticed, without seeing realizing and understanding that I was in the process of manipulating them for my own benefit and my own desired outcomes

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I did not get what I wanted, that I never asked for but tried to have through manipulation, to move into spite to get even at another for not delivering to me what I had originally set out to achieve without asking as to not create an open 'credit' if the other would concede to me what I really wanted and had asked for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my ex husband because he could see through all my mind games but instead of approaching me with the pass code 'you know I love you so much' to set my mind at ease, he would spell it out clearly to me that he was seeing what I was up to and then once I felt caught I would deny and move into the spiteful character to prove that I was not at all plotting and planning behind his back and that was why I was now entitled to my little payback having been off-ended unjustly

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of seeking solutions for my behavior, create stories and excuses about the other being wrong in the first place which would justify why I had a right to my spiteful stance and within this I forgive myself for not liking myself and separating myself into internal wars and conflicts about my behaviour that I wished to deny instead of taking responsibility for it and changing myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my behavior because I could not find effective tools to change without seeing realizing and understanding that I had missed out on the point that we play out the faulty character-istics we take on from our family and environment without questioning their validity and for not seeing realizing and understanding that we are copycatting each other in endless cycles of abusive behaviors because we have not found ways to correct ourselves yet

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a spiteful comment or moment comes up in my mind within my current relationship, to brush it off and tell myself I have changed because I don't act on it, mostly, anymore, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the popping up of those spiteful moments underlines that I have lived spite as who I am and I have to take back those moments and correct them to sort out the origin point of spite so that I can stand one and equal inside and out and no longer participate in spite as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use spiteful words and stances in my intimate relationships with the aim of diminishing another in my mind to prove that I was right from the get go and I had nothing to do with the devious behavior that some of them might suggest I was busy with and for using spite as the ultimate proof that I was in fact innocent -or I would not become spiteful as a consequence of what someone falsely said to me about me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify spite as 'so they would know what they put me through' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that no one has ever put me through anything because no one can make me feel or think something without my active participation or acceptance and allowance and that the lame excuse of having others 'feel what I felt' was never valid nor real but just an excuse to move into spite and feel righteous about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents and relatives when they were spiteful to me and their excuse of why they were being spiteful as in a lesson they were trying to teach me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no way anyone can learn anything through spite and that the 'teaching a lesson' is just another name for spite once it's charged with a spiteful stance and hence spite was always a tool that we have used to abuse ourselves and others no matter what label to justify it we placed on it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that through spite I have diminished myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my substance in spite as an attempt to not take responsibility for what was going on within me for which nobody was ever responsible but myself and for which I alone held the keys to change once I could take responsibility for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use jealousy to spite a man within a relationship, trying to make them feel jealous because my grandmother had said that if a man really loves you he will become jealous instead of seeing realizing and understanding that women in my society used jealousy to spite their men having understood that jealousy is a mind construct they could play to make another fearful and unsafe and within this for having desired to make a man fearful and unbalanced in spite of the fact that,once a man was fearful and unbalanced I would no longer see him as a man and would desire to trash him for good for his apparent weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by playing the spiteful character within my intimate relationships I have always and only spited myself and that if I want all abuse to end in this world, the point of spite and self spite must be corrected within me for good until I can stand stable and see clearly that I no longer participate in spite, no matter how small or big my spiteful stance might seem or how I try to downplay it by comparison to what I have been as in the full blown spiteful character

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spite within my personal relationship, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am about to walk a construct of the mind unless I stop and make another choice and so I breathe, keep myself stable until the enticing moment of spite wears out without my participation in anyway shape or form

When and as I see myself that I have already walked into the construct because some spiteful comment or stance is coming up within me that I see I desire to brush off, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that the mind is like an auction house putting an item up for me to buy it and participate in an energy construct that will turn me into a reactive being vs a self directed being and that I can say NO, breathe myself back to stability and will myself to choose to not participate

When and as I see myself I have fallen into the spiteful character because I had my guard down or because I feel entitled to that one tiny moment of secret spite, I stop, breathe, remind myself how I have walked in writing why I no longer want to participate and stick to my decision by forgiving myself immediately and correcting myself to not participate

When and as I see myself wanting to play the jealousy card because 'it's fun' apparently, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am just attempting to label spite with another name, remind myself that whatever the label I am attempting to move into a spiteful stance and will myself not to by directing myself to breathe instead until I can stand stable and see the desire to make someone jealous fade as I do not allow myself to participate within it

I commit myself to stop being spiteful in my personal relationships

I commit myself to investigate when and why I am triggered into a moment of desire to be spiteful to see what I need to correct for which I am still blaming another

I commit myself to not repeat the patterns of behavior of those that came before me and created this world that I see needs to change and for which I want to stand as one piece that changes back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
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desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.

 

Related articles

• Day 394: The Normalization of Spite and Malice
• Day 396: Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning
• Day 387: Relationships Paranoia - Criticism - How to Handle It
• Spite Is Good. Spite Works
• Day 520: Why Are we Here on Earth? - Role of Death - Part 7
• 8 houses that spite built
• Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia

Day 396: Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning

This is a follow up to my post
The Normalization of Spite and Malice

So, as I listened to the Eqafe interviews about Spite that advised to look for the time when we actually kick started this construct and how this was related to a moment in time with our parents, who might have opposed us for our greater good, while we perceived ourselves attacked as 'a personality system' and instead of pushing to move beyond our preprogrammed path, we moved into Spite as the revenge mechanism for a perceived attack one of the fail safe mechanism to safeguard ourselves as the Mind and its preprogramming.

I have very clear memories of how I dealt with my mum in Spite as I was growing up, precisely within this dynamic, which is why the Eqafe interviews are awesome, to say the least.

As I wrote before in previous posts, I lived a schizophrenic economic reality, with my wealthy grandparents -by comparison to where I lived everyday - and life in what we would call 'the projects' if we were in the USA, or council estate in the UK, where crime and violence was rife and chances for people to get out of there were pretty slim.

My mother was an educated woman, she wanted for me a better life than the one she was building for us working like a dog and bringing home extra work to do even in the evenings to make sure we would have more than enough to live comfortably, so she naturally pushed for the best education she could give me.

Here 2 events stick out in my mind of how my internal revolt against her started, one was when she screamed at me for the first time out of school and I got shit scared and felt a wave of pure hatred for her as a result of how I experienced myself in fear and humiliation, which of course called for revenge, another time that pops up is my teachers saying that I could have done more at school, praising my intelligence and condemning my lack of motivation - which was not a lack of motivation but my own way of getting back to my mother for what I perceived as her own wrongdoings, because at the time I did not have the tools to understand that those experiences within me were created by myself and no one else.

So I will start with these 2 points and see where we go from here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect a specific moment of fear that I felt as a kid, due to my mum raising her voice for the first time about some school assignments and to blame her for how vulnerable and shit scared I felt and within this for having made her the source and reason of my fear, the culprit of all that I experienced in that one moment which I was unable to define but in which I felt threatened, only to end up igniting the desire to seek revenge and make her pay for what I perceived she did to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that things could have never been the same 'after what she had done to me' meaning my experience of myself as threatened through which I concluded this was a woman I could never trust because look what she was capable of doing to me  and within that to desire to pay her back with the same currency, making her feel bad, scared, hopeless just like she had done to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek the one point my mum was always pushing me about, which was education, to use it against her, convincing myself that I could upset her if I did not do well  in school, creating for myself a non achiever personality where I would make sure to do just enough to pass but never more, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that we had colluded on a point that was pushing me beyond my preprogramming, which was for me to never achieve anything, because this world was designed not for everyone to have the same choices and opportunities but for some to be left behind - or to be moved to leave themselves behind so they could form the base of the pyramid for others to step on all the way to the top

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my experience of myself in HK in a position of leadership caused me so much stress because I has stretched myself way beyond my preprogramming without letting go of the personality of underachiever which gave me the experience of always be thorn in two and never be safe and sound within the job I had built for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make Asia a special place in my mind due to how I felt myself expanding there, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I expanded because I removed myself from the place where I wanted to be less than I could be to spite my mother, making sure to create for her an endless loop of guilt for how I turned out way below her expectations based on my undeniable potential

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that, when I was spiteful in my mind toward my mother, I was in fact justified because of what she did that made me what I was, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no one could ever make me but myself through my choices, acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to make my mum wrong so I could invalidate her and her stance of always preaching education and within this for developing a rebellious personality in spite, just to annoy her and to prove to her that I would never bend to her wishes for me to have a better life than the one she managed for herself, proving to myself that I have always and only spited myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why I expanded myself and my education when I moved to Asia was because I was away from the nefarious influence of my mother, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was due to me having made her into a nefarious character so I could hold on to my preprograming as intended, that I experienced her as limiting and as a pain in the ass, failing to see that it was never about what she stood for but what I stood against that defined our relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mum for how I experienced myself the first time she raised her voice and for having held on tenaciously to the memory of that moment as a moment that defined me and my life, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that memories are the blocks through which consciousness creates itself and that it is not optional to let them go but mandatory, to be able to change a pattern for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of my mother's perceived wrongdoings because then I could justify why I was spiteful to her and within this for feeling regret yesterday when she said that she experienced a rush of memories of things gone bad between her and myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that her memories are her responsibility and I cannot sort them out for her or redefine her relationship to them in her place but I can stand as a point of support to help her let them go within what she understands that is required of her to be able to bury the past

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish that I had a different history with my mum, making my history with my mum a moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me and our relationship, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am the one that can redefine our relationship, no matter what happened in the past in recurring loops before I became aware of how I could walk a point into correction for myself and all of existence equal and one

When and as I see myself going into my mind or about to go into my mind in spite about my mum, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have walked this point in writing and look for the script that I am about to lay out on what to do should this moments come up again, until I can stand stable through them and no longer participate within this design of Spite

When and as I see myself wanting to blame my mum for how I experience myself or reacting at how I am experiencing myself after an interaction with my mum, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I accept to not sort out this point immediately reactions will turn into anger and then anger into blame until I will be into a full fledged possession from which I will be unable to stop and assess what is really going on with me, instead I take responsibility immediately for how I feel or what I have accepted myself to participate in within thought, release it through self forgiveness either within or our loud if the situation allows it and breathe myself back to stability

When and as I see myself thinking that I am entitled to a little spite in comparison to 'what she did, said or what I believe she thought', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to walk that pattern anymore, see, realize and understand that I may have to practice my non participation because so far I have only practiced my participation in and as spite and keep applying myself until not participating in Spite becomes one and equal to who I am

I commit myself to stop the existence of myself as the mind within spite within the relationship with my mum, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

Related articles

• Day 313: MEAN-ing-FULL Relationships
• Day 394: The Normalization of Spite and Malice
• Day 387: Relationships Paranoia - Criticism - How to Handle It
• Day 401: The Clever 'Let John do it' Solution to Disagreeable Problems

Day 394: The Normalization of Spite and Malice

I have now listened to the last two interviews about Spite because I want the whole context as I prepare to write to unravel this point.

As it was spelt out quite rightly in the interviews, most of us have gone beyond the phase to be obviously spiteful compared to our teenage years, this should come as a relief - or a worry, depending on how we look at it.

In my experience I still experience Spite internally, less  now with my mother than I used to, more in my personal relationship and occasionally, when given the chance, just about with anybody.

Why I see that it should 'worry' me more or in better words, give me more reasons to ponder about this point, is that I have considered myself a 'grown up' for not being openly spiteful anymore, instead of seeing I have just gone underground with it and justified it as 'not harming anyone' and basically 'my right', others should be lucky to have met me in the post openly spiteful phase plus, in this world, we can  take a breath of Relief since Spite has just become Normal - some of the articles linked at the bottom can prove it.

I have in my own way 'normalized' Spite, I know because I heard my mother 2 days ago saying just that after she put  down one of her ex friends calling her 'a pathetic shrunk up raisin who has no joy in her life', and then she added, at least I am honest about what I think plus it's normal to have those kinds of thoughts when you have issues with someone, at which point an alarm bell went off.

I could almost immediately recognize this pattern within myself without resistance, including the delusion of being honest for speaking my mind, boy have I done damages with that, when in fact the speaking or writing our minds out, given the content of them nowadays, should be a personal process and should be followed by a commitment to correction or, not shared at all in the clear understanding that we don't need anymore ranting and raving in a world of ranting and raving with no solutions, we need solutions, we need to bring points to a place where there is equally no more harm done to ourselves and others.

Plus, if this 'hint' was not enough to see I have to take on this point about which I had quite a realization when I listened to the interview, I can always watch my World Screen, the High Definition place where I project what I have to correct within me and SPITE is high on the list these days.

Want a confirmation: Putin ousted from the G8, the big dicks club of the World according to their economical weight on the playfield but I will be telling more on my Economics and Social Issues Blog in my next post.

When I believe that Spite is my Birthright just because everyone does it, there is something wrong with me and with this world equally, the fact that we externalized the internal workings of our minds on screens in Hollywood through the Ally Mc Beal series, to name just one,  in which everyone could recognize themselves and take a sight of relief that we finally outed the cat from the bag and shared that we are in no way equalized inside and out and are, to say the least and until we correct ourselves, very untrustworthy human beings, should be a point of concern and not a point of relief, unless we intended to normalize what we are up to in our secret minds and make it OK, versus working to change it once and for all.

It doesn't matter that no one knows what is going on inside of me, that it is secret, the same right to secrecy we advocate in the outside world because more often than not we are involved in things that if they should be know, would bring the carefully crafted house of cards of our 'good loooking' personalities come crashing down, there is no place we can hide ourselves from ourselves.

So, in my next posts I will open up SPITE as a construct and its relationship for me that I could hear clearly in the interviews and that starts with some emotional reaction for which I have not taken responsibility which leads to rage that I then blame on someone and make them guilty for and then how, in spite, I go on a commentary in my secret mind,  about what I can do to show them/make them feel the same way, belittle, ostracize whatever it will take to even out the score I am the only one responsible for creating in the first place. Quite Insane to say the least.

So, for more on Spite and how to give it up for good, I will do some blogs applying self forgiveness on memories of constructs I have taken on and what I have done in the name of Spite, always ending up just spiting myself at the end.

Related articles

• Day 515: Why Are we Here on Earth? Free Will and Spitefulness - Part 2
• Day 520: Why Are we Here on Earth? - Role of Death - Part 7
• Day 183 - Spite the Spite
• Day 391: Me as the World Systems - The Judicial System
• Spite Houses: 12 Structures Built Just to Annoy People
• Psychologists are finally taking a long, hard look at spite
• 8 houses that spite built