Day 177: Sobbing My Way Through Divorce

 

From: Creation's Journey to Life 

"Inevitably, obviously, as it is indicted so clearly through Multiple Relationship Breakdowns: you’ll find that your Design was Inefficient. So - you’ll get to a Point were the person for instance, that you now have Created a Relationship with, which you have “fallen in love” with according to your Desired Design of the Character you want to be in this world, the role you want to play, and who you want in your life to role play with you: do not fulfill the Total Desire that you have. And So - you end up moving from love to despising the person, you move to hate, and you go and you remove yourself from that relationship. And that’s the worst thing, because that is why it is called ‘deworst’ sorry, divorce."

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Published on the Desteni Forums under the thread Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 176: We are Separated Finally...

This Post is Private.

Published on the Desteni Forums under the thread Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 38: You Only Live Once

Today my ex Lover Never to Be My Employer contacted me for the feedback on what he has sent me to evaluate.

Since he set the date for our meeting my mind has been pre-occupied with it, many thoughts, one point  I saw is that I had not been clear in my communication, I have hinted that he would have to stay in a hotel by asking if he had one already booked, have hinted that it should be a lunch and not a dinner and hinted that we could NOT talk about that One Night, but today I saw everything was hanging there and I see that I have decided, already 5 years ago that it had to be an indulgence of one night because the persistence had built up to a point of no return, but I would not indulge in the 'relationship' with a married man. he would have been the 3rd of my life, the 2 that went before him had been a disaster, no matter what I tried to not be involved I ended up sucked in and then I ended up being the only one to suffer.

From each of these relationships I got worse, the first I left it in a breath and never looked back, the second i left it and never looked back but every time he came to HK he would get drunk and then pester me all the time after dinner or in the middle of the night about the point that 'we needed to talk about the company we shared', possibly in his bedroom, it never happened after I decided to stop but it left a wake of bitterness on both sides.

Funny, because I did not even want him or the one before to leave their wives, so the bitterness was not that I did not get them, a point that would have terrified me, just the point that again I had myself all involved in emotions and feelings and feeling part of a secret game that I did not like.

Actually there was a 4th as well, we shared a week while on holiday, this one wanted to leave his girlfriend with whom he had 2 kids, a detail that had gone unspoken out of forgetfulness when we started to see each other. This one I heroically put back on a plane to go back to his family life, and then regretted it.

So, the 4th one in chronological order was the result of a pattern, by then I was sure I did not enjoy the romance with the married men, it made me feel dirty and part of a plot against women which I disliked, as I said to myself, just One Night, and I will let him go, which I did.

Which I didn't as well, because I have been all over the place for a week now.

So today I gave myself courage to be clear about where I stand, to stop this tension, so I told him his project is not ready to be taken to China and that he should not come to Milan at all and we should not meet for dinner, since we have no business to talk about.

I said as well that we are obviously a dangerous match, making obvious to myself that I do not trust myself to stand through this decision after a year of no sex, that he would have me at 'Hello' and being confused about why I would NOT want this while I want it so much, asking myself if I have moved into morality and self judgement or if I have just moved into wanting to walk what is best for all, which cannot be a night of sex with a married man with 4 kids that could maybe in the future as well have a job opportunity for me, that could not play out if I screw it up for lust only, not considering the con-sequences for myself and everybody else involved, no matter if I know them or not.

So when I finally did bring up the point, the damn broke loose and he said 'why do you say that' and I said 'because we have a history and I don't want to repeat it and I have enjoyed you as a man, one of the few I have not regretted :)' and then he said 'me too, as a woman, I have a wonderful memory of Us, and then he said 'There is only One Life Ele, we must live It'. This made me cry.

The reason for the tears was that I felt I am not living, that I am not taking this one opportunity for a Great Energy Fix to boost up my Ego and therefore, I am Not Alive and I felt as well that something of me died, that I am not the same Woman anymore and that maybe I had more Fear than it was necessary, because I would have stood, I am already standing and why do I sell myself so short about being able to Live By Principle and not by Energy, just because I have been an Energy/Feeling Junkie and I fear I won't give up that without putting up a fight.

Yet, there was no Fight, only a little Tantrum as I stepped on my Old self which lived only as Thoughts/Feelings and Emotions and not as Principle and What is Best for All.

Do we only Live Once ? Then we better make this One Life count.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself with fear and anxiety about the point that I may have let myself down on my decision to not engage this Great Lover, just Once More

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the loss of who I have been as if something of me died because I did not say 'yes  fuck it, we only live once'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions for the married men I met in my life, because I knew that if I participated in Feelings and Emotions I would be screwed yet I did participate and just suppressed them into and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up Feelings and Emotions for married men so I would not have to face the point that I felt guilty for engaging married men considering this is not what I would have wanted done onto me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty abut my relationships with married men an for thinking 'I am not the married one' as if it was never my responsibility to make decisions that keep all parties involved into consideration, but I just had to consider myself and what was best for me as an Ego personality and everyone else, just screw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that there is a right and wrong regarding Relationships with married men, instead of seeing it is not a morality point or a point of self righteousness that I need to live out but just to be self honest about why I want what I want, and in this case, why I want to use another and fuck up mine and their life just for a night that will make me feel 'good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I can only 'feel good about myself' through energy fixes and that 'feeing good about myself' defines me as who I am instead of seeing this only defines me as 'feelings and emotions' and a slave to conciousness, I am not a slave to consciousness as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as Self Honesty in my life but to make up ideas and stories and justifications about why I did what I did and why it was Ok even though I saw clearly that others struggled with emotions and feelings about sex and sexuality we shared briefly and that walking away after having engaged them was not necessarily what is best for all but just what was best for me so I would not have to walk through the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage married men on a 'love vibe' even for one night, because I needed that Love vibe to not feel slutty and I did not care that the next day they may be confused and feel awkward about it as long as I got what I needed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself 'You only live Once, better enjoy it' because  within this sentence I accepted and allowed myself to exist as someone that did not care about consequences believing that once I am done with all my One Life fuck ups, that is it, and someone else may have to tackle the wake of disasters I have left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a right and wrong to live by because then every time I lived on the wrong side of my self designed morality code, I felt diminished and guilty, instead of seeing I need no morality to live by, because in self honesty I can assess in every moment whatever it is that is in front of me and make a decision for what is best for all and best for me and then just walk my decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to do what is best for all and for fearing that I would let myself down just because I have occasional mind tantrums and a few tears, that I can see are tears of self manipulation to con-vince me that in fact 'I Only Live Once' and so what is it to me to bite that Apple, yet I have memories of the last forbidden fruit we ate as women that did not turn out so well after all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embody the seductress and the snake of existence, where in my sexual innuendos and mind games I willfully created storms in the mind of men I engaged for the sole purpose to boost my Ego careless of the wake of instability that I left behind me or of the desires that I played out in ways for which I could not be blamed, walking the tightrope of femininity and seduction just enough to never make my games too obvious or the point that I was fucking with the mind of men too evident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my duty as a woman and an admirable skill to be able to fuck with the mind of a man and then just walk away not talking responsibility for how I had worked them up just to walk away and be the winner in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget one man from this list, because this proves how men for me have just been games I played and how I have never really cared about what they faced after a night of infidelity, from the first timer to the serial cheater

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tease men into a position of desire just to gain energy in the males vs females mind games, careless about how they felt for desiring another woman when married and for putting pictures in their mind using words to link them to me and keep them within my power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy having power over men about the mind and sexuality game and for letting them believe 'they were on top' because grandma taught me that we must wear the crown but not let them know we do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over men to reestablish a sense of justice in this unfair men's world in which unless we are devious and cunning, we'll be run over and eaten alive by men and then soon be forgotten

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be unforgettable to men because by imprinting myself in their minds I made them my slaves to balance the point that I felt I was born in a world where women are slaves to men 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate men because I felt and believed and desired to be their slave and made them responsible for what was going on inside of me that I could not explain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men because We are Slaves to Men by Birth, instead of seeing, we are both slaves to Consciousness, equally  self designed to harm each other and that whatever blame we place on each other will just close the cage we live in a little tighter, instead we both have to stand, take self responsibility for how and why we participate in games that make us foes instead of being Equals as Life, walking together a path of Self Support as Life as One and Equal and walk to become the partners we wished we had to each other, so that all wars between genders may stop 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated men when in fact I have always and only hated myself for who I became, what  said and thought around men and for believing that hate/hatred is real and who I am in relation to men and relationships

When and as I see myself about to approach a man as a personality, as something I like to pretend to be and not who I am here stable as Breath and I see that I am moving into a reaction of any kind, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if and when I am reactive I am in and as The Mind, so I breathe to clear myself before I speak or move or do anything that is involved with engaging men in any environment

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument with a man because that would make me more than him, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I have approached this point is because I have moved into a point of inferiority and so I stop, look at the inferiority point I have accessed, delete the energy charge through SF spoken quietly inside of me before I speak or do anything, to make sure I am not into and as a point of inferiority or I will attack to show myself that I am not less but I am in fact More

I commit myself to dissect my mind in relation to men and my relationships with them  to see where has the friction with men started in my world and why I have repeated patterns of relationship failures with men both in my private life and at work, so I may undo the original patterning, release myself and others from my patterned behaviour and rewrite myself in and as self correction into What is Best for All as Life and What is Best for Me, One and Equal

Day 15: Sex as a Value System

I have a poor history of relationships, I had poor examples as well while I was growing up, so I could never record and file an acceptable way to experience myself within relationships as fulfilling.

My grandmother had been married twice, the first time she divorced she said it was because 'they were so different' and they were, putting together the unbiased info of their relationships, my grandfather liked sex, but was probably not skilled at it nor he was into self expression as NO Catholics could do sexual Self Expression being sexuality something to suppress, and my grandmother loved Money and a Status, nothing my grandfather could offer.

The urban legend around them has two sides, one side, my grandmother's side tells the story that she was abandoned during the war with a small daughter and that my grandfather would send his military wage while abroad, to his mother, so when he returned from the front, she told him to fuck off back to his mother, then, she said, years later she met my step grandfather.

My grandfather spoke little about her, but even after 30 years, he still hated her quietly, as the offence she cast on him by leaving him, HE, a good looking man with a sure job within the system, even though not a glamorous one, was impossible to overcome. One funny anecdote is that many 30 years after she left him, he met her by chance at my mum's office but did not recognize her and believed her to be my mum's friend and he was absolutely nice to her, leaving the 3 of us, grandma, mother and myself, totally blown away, until we realized he had not seen who she was, it was a politeness addressed to a mistaken identity.

My grandmother was very beautiful, movie star like beautiful, which was one reason why she thought she could do better than my grandfather, meaning, her beauty on the Money Market or on the Potential Money market was worth more than her first marriage out of need, to which she agreed only to find a place to live for herself and her mother, my great grandmother, just before the II World War.

She passed on to me this belief, that I could have any man I wanted, a belief I actually went and tested out and found to be quite true, which just meant, any men would respond to my making a move or opening the door to make a move, but later I discovered that this would have been the same for every woman in Italy as the men are raised to never 'reject' a woman in fear of not 'being man enough' so I just played a part and they responded with their own preprogramming, this was no point of value for any of us even though we both mistook it for one, the men feeling valued by the openings, the women feeling valued by the acceptance and the men's desire.

Recently I have seen a very sad Italian comical movie titled, "You cannot judge me' in which a woman whose husband dies is forced to become an Escort, this is the new politically correct name for prostitutes, as they Escort a man, to his bed, but sounds better, the whole movie is all about the point of us accepting that hard times require hard measures, and selling out to prostitution cannot be judged as bad (which we all agree about, how can we judge what we have to do to survive, who knows what each one of us would do with a small child and the fear to go to prison ?), but this movie is tragic because what they meant is we have to support this idiotic economic system that makes us sell out into prostitution to pay our debts, that is in fact honourable, paying your debts at all COSTS, questioning the system is DIS-honourable and NOT allowed, so just go out and find 'creative' ways to make money as the system is fixed and unchangeable, you instead have still room for self diminishment and creative sell outs. 

What are we accepting and allowing ourselves to become to NOT question this system and ourselves as the bricks that keep this system together ?

In the movie a photographer tells her 'you have a cunt, but don't deserve it', meaning you have no clue on how to capitalize on it, this was a clue point for laughter, it saddened me greatly, that this is what we have become, cunts for sale, as in the Italian language we built up to that, calling women 'beautiful cunt' or any other name that suggests 'cunt' in a more politically correct way, has become acceptable and desirable as the truth of what we are, walking cunts waiting to be picked up and prized at the Sex market that existence has become, having accepted and agreed on a world that runs on sex and Money.

In the same movie there is another tragic joke, when she is told to advertise having a cup D of breast, and she objected having just a cup 'A' and the photographer told her 'Dear, it's just to lure them into your home, then once they are there and aroused they would fuck even a sink' to which she replied 'this is really flattering', yet this is a point we all know, we all abuse, we move and breathe sex and we hold on to not give it too soon, as that would bring on inflation as for everything that is pushed on the market not having waited for the height of the hype, so we hype ourselves up, through make up and clothes and high heels and sexy stockings, our lives are built and geared up to advertise what we will later deliver, once we get the man to jump into enough fire loops to show his devotion because as my grandmother used to say 'If he loves you, he will wait', as a sign of respect, to show that he is not just a dog, beating his hard on down with a newspaper when no one is watching due to the arousal we are raised to stimulate.

A life of simulation and stimulation.

So sex was something that was distorted in my mind as a power tool, it seems that what we had between our legs was the focal point of our existence, when all else would fail we were taught there is an intrinsic value to us, our sexuality, we can always sell out, without seeing we sell out by moving, speaking, building up the electrical charge that we will shape into a wooden club we'll use to beat the men on the head, just until the roles are reversed, immediately after sex, then they become the powerful ones, they got the prize and now we have nothing left to give away, we are left with the memory of the power we held until we gave in and now they hold the power of deciding  when and if they will fuck us again, this is how we build up the numbers with men, we end up to have xx men, yeah, a double digit number, because something weird happens after sex takes place and many potential relationships turn out to be just what they were, a ride, to which we both wanted to give a glamour cover as Love or Potential Relationships, while aware that very possibly, once consumed, the programs that make men disgusted with women would kick in, and the shame the women feel for having given in too soon or having 'given in' at all just to face now the men's refusal and disgust would make any attempt to a relationship impossible and we just have to resort to moving on until we find the next pray to repeat the sex dance again until one day we just STOP and look at what is really going on to stop repeating the patterns of Sex as Self Abuse instead of Sex as Self Expression within Agreements of Self Support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my worth lies in my sexuality and how well I play the sexual card

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to measure my value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into desire as a way to find value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear intimacy and to offer sex instead of intimacy because I was not even intimate with myself and had no clue about how to correct that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire intimacy as something that my partner would and should give me instead of realizing I cannot have what I don't give so I have to start with self intimacy to buil relationships of intimacy with another One and Equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman's purpose and reason to exist is to be desired by a man and then have a relationship and ultimately to be married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold sex as self expression as a way to manipulate emotions and feelings of the men who desired to experience it with me until the moment was 'right', meaning hyped enough for maximum energy build up and release

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the men's disgust after sex because I could see it was a recurrent pattern but not to what it was linked or how I caused it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the cause of the men's disgust instead of realizing that it was not their preprogrammed disgust that bothered me but that I took it on and lived it one and equal to me as self disgust for my own participation in and as the sex system of manipulation and abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to not show I enjoyed sex in fear of activating the 'disgust' programming in men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe we held the power between our legs and that through that we could always get our way instead of learning to build an honest communication based on self honesty and self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being called 'a beautiful cunt' was something to aspire to as a way of gaining value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to expose this sex point because it's private and shameful to share all the stuff that went on in my secret mind about sex because I fear the judgement of others and my own self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame and guilt for the sexual experiences I had because I felt I was never real but a carbon copy image of the porn images I saw and I believed I had to play out to gain value as a sexual object

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed to just walk by men in the streets because I assumed they were always thinking about sex and fucking and I did not want them to think those thoughts about me when I did not agree to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as the only power we have as women because by accepting and allowing this belief I agreed to a world where women are selling themselves as their only and last resort for survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self expression as sexuality because I did not have a map of how that should happen and I did not understand self expression having always and only lived in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad to see how far we have gone in our gap between men and women and for being aware that I have fully participated by holding on to secret thoughts and beliefs such as this that I am now willing to expose so we may all see we share the same sick mind and we need correction to be able to build agreements instead of the sick model of relationships in which we praise secrets and manipulation as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was sick in my head regarding sex and sexuality instead of seeing, something wrong is going on in this reality and we need to question because I'm sick and not raping people and some that are further down the line from me are doing just that, so , really, what is going on in and as our minds that needs to be addressed and self corrected for and as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a sick sexuality inside within a closed system that showed a sick sexuality outside that has been getting worse since I can remember with more abuses and violence and the demeaning of women having reached unprecedented levels, there may be a connection between our minds and our world inside and the world outside Equal and One and we may have to stop and address what goes on inside of us to purify what goes on outside of us and to create a world that is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the arousal of men as a point of self empowerment in the game of winners and losers as I get to be the winner when a man gets a hard on and he gets to be the loser for having been unable to control himself and his own mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see men as weak because with a hard on you could lead them anywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sex as Self Abuse in and as the Mind  instead of expressing Self as Self Expression One and Equal to my physical body

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my sexual personalities for the purpose of manipulation, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to call flirty what is abuse and manipulation and breathe myself out of the temptation to engage automatically one of my personalities just to go on a ride into Self Abuse taking others with me along the way

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self judgement about my sexual life, or the desire to judge others about their sexual life, I stop, breathe, remind myself we are all preprogrammed sex slaves and stop my participation in any form of judgements in separation of me from Self as Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself desiring or about to engage the desire to move into sexual behaviour, covert or not, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical, remind myself that sexuality that happens in my head is NOT real and that I want to learn to express my sexuality in and as the physical as Self Expression and that every time I engage in Sex in and as the Mind I move myself away from self expression Here in every moment of Breath and I no longer want to do this

I commit myself to disengage myself from sexuality as a way of communicating with males  and as a way to gain value for myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as Self Value and Self Worth and that when I see an emotion or a feeling arise due to sexual remarks or sexual innuendos I stop, breathe and disengage as accepting value through energetic movements is a moment of separation and self deception in which I move away from Self Value in favor of the Mind Illusory value and from Life in favour of the Energy show that I have decided to give up as and for Life and What is Best for All.