Day 407: The Downside of Be-living the 'Nobody Wants Me' Character

This is a Follow up to my post 'Owner of a Broken Heart'

So, digging up the origin of this point within me.

Something happened between me and my mum as I grew up, actually 2 things happened that played out this character first on her side and then on my side once I internalized it completely as 'Me'.

The first event was when I asked to go and live with my father because my mum was crazy and I could not take her blow ups any longer. A quiet, unspoken rage on her side followed that time, she called it hatred but that was just for maximum effect, it did not matter that my father said 'No, thanks', by then her 'Rejected Character' had kicked in and a vicious period of a few years followed as she tried to prove to me in every possible way that it was She who rejected me and not the other way around. She was quite convincing too.

At the height of this period she met a man who made a pass on me and I tried to keep at bay and not disclose this to my mum to not bring further grief in her life until he did it again and then I went into an aggressive 'stay away from me' stance which my mum mistook for 'jealousy' (?) and me not wanting her to enjoy her life and which culminated in her asking me to leave home. I won't go into the whole story but it's sufficient to remember that by that time she knew he was a molester and a bastard through and through, still she asked ME to leave, this activated the 'Nobody wants me Character' in me, as me and solidified it in place to the point that I always question men who have a relationship with me about the 'why' they stick around', because, obviously, if 'nobody wants me' what are they doing there?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not See, realize and understand that, as I was afraid to become a copy of my mother and her unpredictable patterns and I tried to resist through rational thinking  I was in fact already busy imprinting myself with the exact same patterns and just looking for ways to cover them up and pretend they were not there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that we carry patterns of memories, emotions and feelings and traumas from one generation to the next and that it will take our active directive principle to stop ourselves from existing that way by deleting them through self forgiveness and rewriting scripts for ourselves that are more supportive to ourselves and everyone else that walks their life with us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize  and understand that the point, the question 'what are you doing here?', had nothing to do with the other person but was about a pattern of myself I was revealing to myself and that I should have addressed it within myself even if the other person ended up justifying my question as something that existed 'within him as well'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the point of 'nobody wants me' was relative to others without seeing realizing and understanding that this point that I have internalized I then played out on myself, rejecting myself through judgements, separating myself into emotional reactions for which I blamed others instead of addressing the point of learning to want myself, accept myself unconditionally, beyond self judgement so that I would not need another to 'want me' because I had bridged the need to be wanted through the unconditional acceptance of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of things that happened with my mother and that I used to consolidate the 'Nobody wants me ' personality, without seeing realizing and understanding that it was because this character already existed within me that I sought points to validate it and make it real and that what I have miss-filed within the interpretation of the actions of my mother was functional to playing out a character that I failed to identify and release instead of validating it through distorted instrumental self interpreted memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to get really close to someone, really intimate and allow myself to create a functional agreement because I held on to the idea that in truth 'nobody wants me', having frozen in time an idea that if even my mother did not want me then 'nobody wants me' and within this for approaching every partner within suspicion wondering 'what do they really want' and looking for reasons in my mind that make them stay with me until I make these reasons and doubts so real that they end up participating and believing it was their own creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enter a relationship 'hoping' that this time things would be different, even though I was aware that I had not walked myself out of the constructs of the mind through the application of the deletion modality of patterns as 'self forgiveness' and within this 'hope', for giving away my directive principle to something external, to another, 'hoping' they would be the ones doing the fixing of this 'broken heart' instead of standing as the directive principle of myself to work at repairing what is not best for me and hence not best for all involved

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as blame for my mother and for this pattern that I was aware she carried as she kept talking about when her mother abandoned her or did not want her and for realizing too late into the pattern that no matter how much I disliked listening to her and her rantings about it, I had already internalized this pattern and the irritation I felt was always toward myself and my own programming which I was afraid to take responsibility for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt when my partner said 'which story?' in a tone I interpreted as mocking, as to say there was never a story between us through which I ended up feeling duped and used and doubting the process I am walking because maybe if I had not self forgiven myself so much I would have been more aware of my reactions and I could have listened to them as a warning sign, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it was because I suppressed my reactions and did not address them in full that I ended up feeling used and abused, which I was, but by myself and not by another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress points I wanted to come clean about because I held on to the pattern that since 'nobody wants me' already, I better not rock the boat, hope things will work out if I don't go into some other of my fragmented self and play out something even more unpleasant than this aloof character living on the sidewalk of this relationship and within this for fearing to rock the boat, not of my relationship but of my own mind, fearing that if I looked at everything that was in there about this relationship I would have to face the fact that I had made a mistake of judgement to start with because I was not ready to walk with another as I was barely learning to walk with myself and finding my own stability

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try and please another while suppressing reactions while doing so because I was afraid he would leave and then I would have to face the fact that 'nobody wants me', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could have always worked on this point without waiting to face it in the physical and that I have created this break up in many ways when I look at this relationship in self honesty, so that I could remove myself from this relationship and go back to working on myself, something I believed I was not effectively doing while being in a relationship with someone who was not walking his own process of self correction

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up this character to victimize and bully myself, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am working with a generational pattern and that I have deconstructed its origin and reason for being and that I always have a choice to engage or not what my mind offers as patterns of behavior

When and as I see myself looking back searching for reasons to blame another for this break up, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that what is best for all is not necessarily having a long lasting relationship but it can be meeting someone, uncover some patterns to be released and when no one is any longer benefiting from what they can discover through one another, move on without holding another responsible in any way, shape or form

When and as I see myself wondering why 'I am not sad' abut this break up and then go about wanting to dust up this 'nobody wants me' character, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it may take some consistency in releasing this pattern completely because it is a generational pattern that I have accepted and allowed to play out and have created emotional ties to for quite some time but this in no ways means that I cannot release myself from it for good with consistent application

When and as I see myself approaching the 'nobody wants me' character in my mind, I stop, breathe, look for what I am wanting to not accept myself for, investigate the point, release myself from self judgement until I stand in unconditional acceptance of myself over what was bothering me and move on

I commit myself to stop my dependency on others for acceptance and to keep applying myself to stand as Self Acceptance while I walk my corrective application for myself and all of existence Equal and One

DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
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“What could have been, what has been, what can be, what will be, what shall be – all is unimportant. What is Here is all that any being ever has.” Bernard Poolman

Related articles

• Day 405: The Perception of a Worth-Less Life and Regrets
• Day 356 & 357 Self-Change through SELF-JUDGEMENT or through a simply DECISION?
• Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I've Done.
• day 507: self-judgement
• Why No One Can Validate Your Value But You: DAY 288
• Day 127: 'It's got nothing to do with me' Character
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 242: Anger at My Ex's Family: Part 2
• Who Will I Be if I Stop Living to Please? DAY 92
• Post 91: The Memory Dealer - Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

Day 326: Who says that 'What is Best for All' is Best for ME?

It is sad to realize how this simple sentence, which happens to be at the core of every religion and philosophy in the world, is feared and taken for a coercive statements that means people will no longer be FREE to do as they like, should a world that considers all parts of the Whole Equally ever come about.

Unfortunately, or maybe appropriately, the answer to 'What is Best for All' cannot be given, it has to be Self Realized because 'I' have to first understand What is Best for Me in relation to All the Players within an Equation, where I have considered All parts Equally and guess what, what is Best for All in one occasion may not be Best for All in another, within the same point, this is why Religions do not have any Solution to offer, there isn't a fixed Best for All if not the point of Giving to All what I would like for myself and Not do to another what I would not like to be done to me, no other 'rule' is required to expand into and as this understanding, if my children are hungry and I can't get a job and this system doesn't support me, it is my duty to feed them one way or another, that would make stealing OK, a duty in fact, because Life is more important that the delusion that some can own Vital Earth Resources and cut others off from them as Their Right, so in this case, blindly following a religion (and incidentally, who could be stealing if not the poor from the rich, who says that religions weren't the Rich Guidelines to their own safety and that they were the writers of all Commandments for their own protection and justification?) would not allow me to do What is Best for All at All Times, fake morality would stand in the way of my clarity.

The answer to What is Best for All is held within each one of us as a Point of Awareness, flip flopping through Life won't have us aware enough to consider All Points at All Times and We won't be Able to do What is Best for All, ever, if I, Self is not included in the Equation, because this Equation is Not What is Best for All -bar Me, it's Best for All, which has to include Me or the Equation is incomplete, it's Dis-h-One-est, because I am missing from the One that has to make the decision of What is Best for All.

So, to start appreciating What is Best for All, we can consider what and how we would benefit most from within a moment if we were in another shoes, cross referencing it with Self and then, in a Self Honest moment of Breath, just do it, it doesn't require rocket science to work it out, just Self Trust that I am able and walking to learn to consider Others as Myself and to Give to All What is Best.

So, when we react to this simple sentence 'What is Best for All', there may be some points to consider:

Point One, I don't know What is best for Me - in self honesty I can say that I have been rather busy with self Abuse for most of my life, if you are busy abusing yourself that point needs correction before you can grasp what is Best for All, how could you if you have not yet taught yourself what is Best for You?
No one that stands as Self Abuse can do what is Best for All, because they themselves are missing from the Equation required to work out What is Best for All, and in such cases, we may have the manifestation of the Do Gooder Character as an attempt to compensate for all the things we have not done in consideration of Others as Self, but that it's just a Lie, and we can assess our Self Abuse without external intervention, most of it happens in Our Secret Minds -only to overflow later in the physical-, where we run ourselves to the ground to make sure we won't be able to stand and do What is Best for All, not even by chance

Point Two, is if we are Abusers, many claim their right to Freedom in ways that can be described odd to use a vast understatement, our right to Porn, even if this means supporting a whole industry of Abuse and Slavery is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to alcohol and drugs is not a Human right, it's Self Abuse, our right to Anonymity so we can slander and engage in libelous activities on the web and get away with it, it's not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to have sex with Animals who don't have a say in it, it's not a Human right, it's an Abuse, our right to Abuse Animals and the World for Profit is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to invade other countries for their resources so we can keep up our lifestyle is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, so you see, when we get down to the nitty gritty of why people oppose What is Best for All and lay it out in the open, it doesn't look so good, and yet we went so far as creating a whole new vocabulary to explain why we are in fact entitled to do what we do and defined our Criminal Activities as Human Rights, so while we stood united to claim our Rights to Abuse, we got Abused, we rolled over while Real Human Rights were eroded under our very eyes but we were too busy proving that we had the Freedom of Speech that entitled us to Abuse or the Freedom of Choice so I can hold on to porn and alcohol and drugs, no matter the consequences, the Freedom to 'defend our Borders' -abroad-  to justify our right to go to war against others and while we took away the Right of other living beings, go figure, our Real Human Rights were taken away too.

One could say not surprisingly, because we have not shown to be Humans as in HumanKind but rather Human as in ViciousHumans and so we lost the right to Live because we moved Life way down the list of relevant things in the world as we busied ourselves with all forms of abuse we could conceive, meanwhile we got so far removed from our Humanity that at the sound of the words 'What is Best for All', we react, we don't want What is Best for All if that means the end of our right to Abuse, because....well, because we are TheMented as in living up in our isolated little Kingdoms of Our Minds, where we can pretend to be a self sustainable island, missing out on the obvious, undeniable interconnectedness of All Things, which give us life -while we don't, we take it from others so we can turn it into Money and hopefully end our existential fears within the Illusion that we'll be able to buy our Piece/Peace of Mind.

So, please consider, What is Best for All includes YOU, we want a good Life for everyone, free education, free health care, free housing, a share of the world resources for All, we want to support each other, all living beings and the world as One, how is that not good for You? What kind of freedom are you after that such a world would not provide: Freedom from Debt Slavery, from Education Slavery, Freedom from Fear of Each other, of not having enough to live or of not having a place where to live, freedom from the fear for the future of your children, freedom from stress, from anxiety, from most of the Evil of this world -just by agreeing to give to each other what we would want for ourselves.

So, if and when you should see yourself react to these words, just ask yourself, what is it that you fear giving up, is it the porn, alcohol and drugs, anonymity, fucking animals, really, what is it that stands in the way of Your Self Realization of what will be possible when we realign in Oneness and Equality to What is Best for All and then see if you can find it in your heart to stop the Abuse and the Self Abuse -for Life.

We are making it our business to learn to do What is Best for All -for Life, what kind of busy-ness are you investing yourself into and -is it worth Your Life -or Not?

Get support to break Free from Abuse, no one has to live this way, together we can create a world that works for All and bring Heaven to Earth for All, why the Hell are we waiting for?

Basic Income Guaranteed - to take the first steps into a world of Support

Equal Money - for when we'll be BIG Enough to comprehend a New World Paradime

Desteni I Process - to support your walk out of Abuse and Self Abuse, back to Life.

Related articles

• Day 315: How many Human Rights Can You Afford?
• 206: Do we Care About those that Go Without their Basic Human Rights? Or Just Ourselves?
• Day 433: The BIG Question
• Day 229: Can Equality only be Achieved through Inequality? | Equality and Human Rights - Part 7
• Day 323: IMAGINE a World that Works for All....
• Day 417: Basic Income and Nationalized Resources

Day 303: Death Becomes Me

Last night I listened to Sunette's interview called 'Death and Life'.

There were so many good points to look at about Death and how we have created a world full of it, funny, as a consequence of our fear of the responsibility of Living for real we embraced Death more willingly than we embraced Life.

As I looked back at the past week and my interactions, there were so many talks about death, almost none about Life, we have given Life up to Money without and the Mind within and Death ended up being so much more entertaining, so much more something to look forward to than living or at least, as we are clueless about how to go about living, we transit the Planet in a Haze waiting for our AfterLife, no longer making big plans like the Pharaohs for the trip and the goodies we wish to take with us, possibly due to Austerity, but still hoping to be able to plan for a peaceful Death, as if, one like the one a lady told me I would have, meant as a gift I guess, good karma to wish a peaceful death on someone, she said that being a sensitive she could see both me and my mum will 'go' in our sleep, no diseases and no traumatic Deaths to be scared about, surely something she wishes for herself but believes won't be able to get, she has by now accepted herself as already dis-eased and with a foot in the grave.

My mum one week ago said that she went to visit my grandparents for a small chat and to change the flowers on display, she meant at the cemetery, those are by far the least controversial visits she had with them, finally she is the only one talking with no rebuttals or things said in return that could trigger some wild automated response. 

We ended up having our best relationships with the Dead ones while we forgo our responsibility to fix the ones we have with those who are alive, how amazing of us.

Today on the news the story of a woman condemned to 12 months community service for unlawfully preventing the burial of a child that was born still born for having been kicked in the belly by her partner while she was expecting, we condemn the disrespect for Death, what about the disrespect of Life, how did THAT become Normal? Are we aware that we have created a world where Death has more value than life? Are we aware that there is something disturbing in making Laws to protect the right of the Dead and not the ones of the Living? Given that we only operate in Self Interest at the moment, are we Dead or Alive?

Solving the Death point, our fear of Death -and our fear of life-, changing our Investment Plans from Death to Life would be one of the ways we can reestablish a chance to live, not being so worried about something we cannot plan or orchestrate or, for once, manipulate, would not only bring us back Here but would allow us to have a chance at working out how to live and self express, because honestly I am just realizing how I don't have a clue about it and how much I will have to dig still to start to see a sliver of Life in me as I write out the kind of Life I want to be in consideration of the whole, something I have realized I am alien to, and  I work at how to build good relationship with people while they are still alive and how to change while I can do so for sure, because honestly no one knows what is waiting on the other side, Heaven above and Hell below seems a bit far fetched, living the Hope that magically by leaving behind the body we'll rid ourselves of all the crap we have participated in/with would mean that we are innocent and the body is guilty, the body is the carrier of the crappy life and experiences while we are all spiritual beings just momentarily trapped within it.

Yet what Breathes and is in fact alive is The Body, The Physical, when we'll move onto the Afterife what we'll leave behind is Life, an oxymoron to even have to say it, but as we became used to living words with other mean-ings, the original meaning of words just went lost, we guesstimated afterlife to mean 'afterthislife' where another, better one is waiting for us for the moment we'll finally will be saying our farewells to our shriveled up raisins like empty 'evil' bodies.

Do we bellieve our bodies are just our place of residence? Our flesh is who we are, if the house, The Temple where we live has become all dirty and mouldy why not consider cleaning it up, why not clean up our acts, redefine the starting points that move us to action or inaction, why not redefine this hellish existence of Death into one of Life, where we can all thrive, expand and share a dignified worthwhile existence.

Life is not what we manage to own or put our hands on, it's not our possessions, Life is Self Expression within self Responsibility, we can't have the Life cake and eat it by not taking responsibility for ourselves and everything we are connected to, we don't live on an island alone unless we live in our minds, so it is time to learn what Self Expression as Life means, and this will happen only by deleting what self Expression is NOT until we come to a blank slate and from there redesign who we decide ourselves to be vs what we were designed to be.

A process to undo what we have done so far that hasn't worked for ourselves or the Whole as One is available at Desteni.org, Death became us, we have the choice to stick to it or work to get our lives back and learn to live for the very first time as Self honest, self responsible Human beings that consider themselves as part of an organic Whole that can thrive with each one's ego-less participation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to glorify Death as a teenager by saying and writing that 'Death is paid with Life'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated with death and the AfterLife vs participating in Life Here as an intrinsec piece of the puzzle that must stand in and as self responsibility for myself and all of existence as One

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear Death and dying in a violent death when I have no direct information about how the death experience is and therefore everything I think about it is just an assumption with no foundation in reality and I will have to live to see it through when the time comes, which is something I have no control over in any way and is therefore time to let go all and every worry about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the AfterLife was more important than Life, because within this belief I accepted and allowed a World of Death to exist as I glorified what may come vs what is Here where I can infact learn to live and experience mySelf through this opportunity to do so and within this for accepting and allowing myself  to waste my Life in the pursuit of a worthy ticket into the AfterLife, disregarding what is Here that is not yet living in Oneness and Equality the dignity that we could grant to each other by standing as One beyond our Egos for what is Best for All and All of existence as One.

Related articles

• Day 288 - Religion and Death
• Day 291 - I Really Am Going to Die
• Day 292 - Specific Fears of Death/Dying
• Death Research - Day 350
• Day 339: Why Do You Not Question the Authority of God? (Part 3)
• Who (or What) determines/defines Life? - Part Two: DAY 358

Day 93: The Addict Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as The 'Addict' Character, failing to see that anything I define myself as, I become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the reason why I defined myself as The Addict Character was that so I could go on smoking pot whenever I wanted or relapse whenever I wanted because as an Addict it was beyond my control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I finally moved myself from the 'I like this lifestyle' Character to the I am an "Addict' Character, I was being honest as I was admitting my inability to step out of the Smoking Pot Character, instead of realizing I was just giving myself 'carte blanche' to go on smoking and fucking up my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the only reason why I may want to leave the door ajar into my I am an Addict Character, is because I have a secret plan to relapse, when and if I get a chance, because I believed that I cannot throw away 30 years of 'my History' as the definition of who I chose to be for 30 years, no matter how shitty that Character was to embody, it's still 'part of me' and I resist parting from it and within this I forgive myself for resisting parting from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately manipulate my memories of me as The Addict Character, leaving out all the unpleasant bits and the ginormous consequences I lived out so I could continue playing the demented Addict, instead of filing the real story of what playing this Character has costed me because I am too ashamed of looking back and seeing the amount of self abuse I have inflicted on myself and others playing this Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for having embodied the Addict Character and the 'I like this Lifestyle' Character and for the abuse I have inflicted on myself and others within the self interest of wanting to have the Addict experience, no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to The Addict Character as a way to remind myself that I became an Addict because there were troubles at home, so I could hold on to my Abused Child Character and maintain the friction with my family going to generate Energy for myself and believe that I was right and justified in my life choice as an Addict, justifying my life of self abuse and of abuse of others by blaming my childhood as the cause of my suppressions and then justifying the self medication I took as Pot, because I had to create a dis-ease in my mind to justify why I needed to self medicate, instead of stepping out of both the Character of the Abused Child and the Self Medicating Addict Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am defined by the shame of my Life of Self Abuse and that at the most I can suppress it and keep it at bay by no longer smoking, even though I left the door to go back to my Character ajar, because One never knows, while I know at all times what I am doing and why and it is just a Matter of becoming Self Honest to step out of this Character for Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking a joint is an option I don't want to dismiss for good, because what if one day 'I'm just feeling too compressed and suppressed and I have given up my 'medicine for good' and what could be my saving grace I won't have access to, instead of seeing that Pot was never my saving grace but my living disgrace as I pushed myself lower and lower in the pit of self pity and addiction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going back to work because, having left the door of Pot smoking ajar, in case of stress, and having connected work to stress within my mind as something that will come up for sure, once I will move into the belief that I am too stressed out, from that plateau I will automatically seek for my 'I am too stressed out' medicine, instead of realizing that I was too stressed out in the Past because I did not have the tools of writing myself out and stopping my own self abuse through thoughts/feelings and emotions, but now The Past is Over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of this Character, because I have embodied it for so long that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it was me, as Who I Really Am, and not just a Character that I played out as a way to not take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dupe myself with the stories about my bravery to admit that, yes I was in fact An Addict, failing to see I was not being brave, I was just laying out my justifications of why I would never give it up so I could smoke to my heart content having admitted that, yes I am flawed and I don't give a fuck about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was/am flawed and there is nothing I can do about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that as I wished to not have responsibility for my actions, at the same time I abdicated my power to change, because power is where self responsibility is, and that if in the past I doubted myself to be able to change is because I had not in fact taken self responsibility, but admitted my powerlessness through the acceptance of the Character I Am an 'Addict' and lived it out as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to images of people smoking a joint, the blue Rizla pack and logo, movies in which the pot smokers seem happy and relaxed, posts on Facebook about getting high, and for then suppressing all the reactions because I don't want to face the point of looking at them, seeing that is all Fear and investigating, what am I afraid of, just to see that I fear the door ajar that I left behind me as my future opportunity to step back in Character as The Addict and do myself in for good this time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself on the Pot Point, because of all the times that I told myself - and others- that I was going to quit and then I didn't, instead of seeing I failed because I planned to fail through leaving the door ajar back to the Addict Character, which is the reason for the fears I have felt and suppressed now, and that I can decide to just shut that door for good and move on, because I Am the One that Decides

I commit myself to stop any judgement I have about Pot, as my enemy, and accept that chances to go back to smoking Pot are everywhere and I cannot avoid seeing when a Pot deal is taking place because I have trained myself for it, but I can commit myself to closing the Addict Door for good as that will make anything I see irrelevant as I have made my Decision as the Self Directive principle of me to never return to that Character, the Past is Over

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself react or about to react and be tempted to either look away from the points I have identified as my triggers, such as the Rizla blue pack, the Rizla logo, the image of a joint or of grass, happy potheads in movies and in other circumstances, to simply remind myself that I no longer want to embody The Addict Character, Breathe, bring myself back Here and stand as The Self Directive principle of Myself until any urge or desire to suppress is gone as I have breathed myself through and out of my reactions

I commit myself to stop the nostalgic bullshit of Times Gone By, as they were never good times as they are portrayed by my mind when The Addict file comes to my attention in pictures flashes to activate me as The Addict, and that I am still walking the consequences of having embodied this Character for far too long to the detriment of my health and my life while I did everything possible to not be Here and face myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I commit myself to stop all judgement of me as The Addict Character, as I see realize and understand that any judgement is a point of separation, a point that I do not want to own of my Life and take responsibility for, yet it is me and I forgive myself for the Life I lived as an Addict and for believing The Addict Character to be me as Who I Really Am

I commit myself to shut the door to the Addict Character for good as I see realize and understand that what I feared was my Lack of a Decision that I could walk, never turning back, and so I stand here committed to myself and my decision to never engaging The Abusive Addict Character Again, for myself as What  is Best for All, as Life and All of Existence Equal and One

Day 58: I am not my Dreams

“I am not my memories. I am my dreams.” ~ Terry Hostetler

In my previous Post I have looked at Memories as One point of this Statement, I am not My Memories, meaning I am not My Past.

So while there is one point of agreement with the above sentence, I am not My Dreams either.

First, let's look at why I Dream. 

The starting point of dreaming is that what I live and who I am, is not enough, if it were, I would not need to do the Dreaming.

Dreaming is a future projection of a possible outcome, it's a moment in which I am not Here, I am There, projected in a Life that is better than the Life I live, more satisfying, more successful, richer, fuller, better.

Within all these statements what I am saying is that Life and Myself are in fact Not Enough, I need more to be more, the simplicity of my being Here in and as Breath doesn't satisfy my fantasies, who and what I have come to believe I should be and should have, to have a Life, while I am in fact Not Living.

Within dreaming I am stating that I will be satisfied only when I will get or be what I dream about, so not only I project myself into future outcomes, I am accepting that life without those fulfilled dreams, basically, just sucks, I suck as a Life that doesn't fit my own accepted and allowed expectation of what a 'good life' should be.

So Dreaming is the acceptance and allowance of a life that sucks within the Hope that it may get better, that if I focus hard enough on my Dreams, I'll get there, be that, have that, and I will finally be Happy.

Dreams are therefore the delusion of our eternal search for happiness, having failed to realize that happiness is a feeling, a product of the polarities of the Mind, and that if I board the swing, I'll be Happy and Sad and Happy and Sad, because I have to balance out whatever it is that I accept and allow myself  to live One and Equal to, so if I accept and allow myself to believe that I am my emotions and feelings, then I am and I board the swing, which is not Real, it is The Dream on both sides as the Past and the Future, a diversion from Here, a moment in which I am asleep, because without being asleep I can't Dream.

As far as swings go, I have not been much of a Dreamer, more than in Dreams I have indulged in Hopes, Hoping that things would get better, hoping that someone somewhere would come and sort it all out, hoping that life one day would make sense, because a life stuck between the Past as Memories and Dreams as the Future is not a Life, it's an Energy rehearsal, where we go on stage and pretend to be whoever we need to be to fit a specific outcome, looking for the good feelings of life while fearing the bad emotions of life, life as in 'experience' and while we swing for the joys of Energy, we forget to be Here and what Life is, Here as Breath, with no Past and no Future to look forward to, because I am enough and Life is Enough and the value I have been seeking has always been Here in and as Breath, where Life is enough because the Value of Life is Life itself, and all searches end, returning the end to the beginning and the Value where it was always supposed to be, on Life Here in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Dream about a better Life because I did not like the Life I lived and believed I could change it through hoping for a better life or dreaming about it, without realizing it was up to me to stop my existence in and as Energy and start Living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Dreams and Hopes as a way to not be Here facing myself and what I accepted and allowed myself to live One and Equal to so I could stand in Self Honesty and Self Responsibility to forgive myself and walk the self correction of myself as Life as What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with desires and images that turned into dreams about what a perfect Life was about, without realizing I was accepting and allowing myself to turn myself into a Consumer of Life for the purpose of boarding the energy swing that I believed was what being alive was and meant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that if Dreams were the way to create a reality and that they were the blueprint of what is to come that I was laying out, than the starving people would be fed because for sure they dream about eating every day, even though their dreams are not coming true

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with songs and movies about dreaming and hoping and the power of dreaming and hoping and what it can do to change lives, even though I lived in a physical existence that was proof that not all dreams are coming true for everybody and thus dreaming was NOT a solution that is real or that can help to create What is Best for All

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'dream' with a positive feeling, because in the dreaming I get to be asleep and I don't have to face reality and what are the manifested consequences of a creation in which I have allowed myself to participate and the outflows of my existence as Energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage 'dreaming in others' saying between the lines that all our lives suck and we have a right to dream/fall asleep so we don't have to live or watch what this reality has become  through our acceptances and allowances and our self interested participation 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to dream as a way to not be Here because I believed I was not enough and Life was not enough and I'd rather be away in my Past, Hopes and Dreams than be Here anytime

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be More because I believed who I was as Life was not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that any desire I held in my life was a search for a value that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I did not have and I had to search for outside of myself, in something that would give me a good feeling and through the feeling good I would know that I had found something of value, instead of seeing I was chasing dragons while I was giving up my Value as Life Here as Breath in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more through Dreams and Hopes in fear of being Less, engaging in the Games of Comparison and competition as a way to Give myself Value as Energy as feeling good as a proof that I was in fact Alive and on the right path, accepting and allowing myself to be led by Energy, a Blind leading a Blind through Life as experiences instead of Life here in every moment of Breath

I commit myself to stop all dreaming and Hopes that take me away from Here and Life in and as every moment of Breath and to look into the nature of my dreams and hopes to see where I am not satisfied with my Life and how, so I can deconstruct these points of Desires and beliefs about who and what I should be and have to be Alive, until nothing remains but me as Life Here, in every moment of Breath for what is best for Me and What is Best for All, One and Equal.

Day 38: You Only Live Once

Today my ex Lover Never to Be My Employer contacted me for the feedback on what he has sent me to evaluate.

Since he set the date for our meeting my mind has been pre-occupied with it, many thoughts, one point  I saw is that I had not been clear in my communication, I have hinted that he would have to stay in a hotel by asking if he had one already booked, have hinted that it should be a lunch and not a dinner and hinted that we could NOT talk about that One Night, but today I saw everything was hanging there and I see that I have decided, already 5 years ago that it had to be an indulgence of one night because the persistence had built up to a point of no return, but I would not indulge in the 'relationship' with a married man. he would have been the 3rd of my life, the 2 that went before him had been a disaster, no matter what I tried to not be involved I ended up sucked in and then I ended up being the only one to suffer.

From each of these relationships I got worse, the first I left it in a breath and never looked back, the second i left it and never looked back but every time he came to HK he would get drunk and then pester me all the time after dinner or in the middle of the night about the point that 'we needed to talk about the company we shared', possibly in his bedroom, it never happened after I decided to stop but it left a wake of bitterness on both sides.

Funny, because I did not even want him or the one before to leave their wives, so the bitterness was not that I did not get them, a point that would have terrified me, just the point that again I had myself all involved in emotions and feelings and feeling part of a secret game that I did not like.

Actually there was a 4th as well, we shared a week while on holiday, this one wanted to leave his girlfriend with whom he had 2 kids, a detail that had gone unspoken out of forgetfulness when we started to see each other. This one I heroically put back on a plane to go back to his family life, and then regretted it.

So, the 4th one in chronological order was the result of a pattern, by then I was sure I did not enjoy the romance with the married men, it made me feel dirty and part of a plot against women which I disliked, as I said to myself, just One Night, and I will let him go, which I did.

Which I didn't as well, because I have been all over the place for a week now.

So today I gave myself courage to be clear about where I stand, to stop this tension, so I told him his project is not ready to be taken to China and that he should not come to Milan at all and we should not meet for dinner, since we have no business to talk about.

I said as well that we are obviously a dangerous match, making obvious to myself that I do not trust myself to stand through this decision after a year of no sex, that he would have me at 'Hello' and being confused about why I would NOT want this while I want it so much, asking myself if I have moved into morality and self judgement or if I have just moved into wanting to walk what is best for all, which cannot be a night of sex with a married man with 4 kids that could maybe in the future as well have a job opportunity for me, that could not play out if I screw it up for lust only, not considering the con-sequences for myself and everybody else involved, no matter if I know them or not.

So when I finally did bring up the point, the damn broke loose and he said 'why do you say that' and I said 'because we have a history and I don't want to repeat it and I have enjoyed you as a man, one of the few I have not regretted :)' and then he said 'me too, as a woman, I have a wonderful memory of Us, and then he said 'There is only One Life Ele, we must live It'. This made me cry.

The reason for the tears was that I felt I am not living, that I am not taking this one opportunity for a Great Energy Fix to boost up my Ego and therefore, I am Not Alive and I felt as well that something of me died, that I am not the same Woman anymore and that maybe I had more Fear than it was necessary, because I would have stood, I am already standing and why do I sell myself so short about being able to Live By Principle and not by Energy, just because I have been an Energy/Feeling Junkie and I fear I won't give up that without putting up a fight.

Yet, there was no Fight, only a little Tantrum as I stepped on my Old self which lived only as Thoughts/Feelings and Emotions and not as Principle and What is Best for All.

Do we only Live Once ? Then we better make this One Life count.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself with fear and anxiety about the point that I may have let myself down on my decision to not engage this Great Lover, just Once More

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the loss of who I have been as if something of me died because I did not say 'yes  fuck it, we only live once'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions for the married men I met in my life, because I knew that if I participated in Feelings and Emotions I would be screwed yet I did participate and just suppressed them into and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up Feelings and Emotions for married men so I would not have to face the point that I felt guilty for engaging married men considering this is not what I would have wanted done onto me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty abut my relationships with married men an for thinking 'I am not the married one' as if it was never my responsibility to make decisions that keep all parties involved into consideration, but I just had to consider myself and what was best for me as an Ego personality and everyone else, just screw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that there is a right and wrong regarding Relationships with married men, instead of seeing it is not a morality point or a point of self righteousness that I need to live out but just to be self honest about why I want what I want, and in this case, why I want to use another and fuck up mine and their life just for a night that will make me feel 'good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I can only 'feel good about myself' through energy fixes and that 'feeing good about myself' defines me as who I am instead of seeing this only defines me as 'feelings and emotions' and a slave to conciousness, I am not a slave to consciousness as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as Self Honesty in my life but to make up ideas and stories and justifications about why I did what I did and why it was Ok even though I saw clearly that others struggled with emotions and feelings about sex and sexuality we shared briefly and that walking away after having engaged them was not necessarily what is best for all but just what was best for me so I would not have to walk through the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage married men on a 'love vibe' even for one night, because I needed that Love vibe to not feel slutty and I did not care that the next day they may be confused and feel awkward about it as long as I got what I needed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself 'You only live Once, better enjoy it' because  within this sentence I accepted and allowed myself to exist as someone that did not care about consequences believing that once I am done with all my One Life fuck ups, that is it, and someone else may have to tackle the wake of disasters I have left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a right and wrong to live by because then every time I lived on the wrong side of my self designed morality code, I felt diminished and guilty, instead of seeing I need no morality to live by, because in self honesty I can assess in every moment whatever it is that is in front of me and make a decision for what is best for all and best for me and then just walk my decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to do what is best for all and for fearing that I would let myself down just because I have occasional mind tantrums and a few tears, that I can see are tears of self manipulation to con-vince me that in fact 'I Only Live Once' and so what is it to me to bite that Apple, yet I have memories of the last forbidden fruit we ate as women that did not turn out so well after all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embody the seductress and the snake of existence, where in my sexual innuendos and mind games I willfully created storms in the mind of men I engaged for the sole purpose to boost my Ego careless of the wake of instability that I left behind me or of the desires that I played out in ways for which I could not be blamed, walking the tightrope of femininity and seduction just enough to never make my games too obvious or the point that I was fucking with the mind of men too evident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my duty as a woman and an admirable skill to be able to fuck with the mind of a man and then just walk away not talking responsibility for how I had worked them up just to walk away and be the winner in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget one man from this list, because this proves how men for me have just been games I played and how I have never really cared about what they faced after a night of infidelity, from the first timer to the serial cheater

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tease men into a position of desire just to gain energy in the males vs females mind games, careless about how they felt for desiring another woman when married and for putting pictures in their mind using words to link them to me and keep them within my power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy having power over men about the mind and sexuality game and for letting them believe 'they were on top' because grandma taught me that we must wear the crown but not let them know we do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over men to reestablish a sense of justice in this unfair men's world in which unless we are devious and cunning, we'll be run over and eaten alive by men and then soon be forgotten

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be unforgettable to men because by imprinting myself in their minds I made them my slaves to balance the point that I felt I was born in a world where women are slaves to men 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate men because I felt and believed and desired to be their slave and made them responsible for what was going on inside of me that I could not explain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men because We are Slaves to Men by Birth, instead of seeing, we are both slaves to Consciousness, equally  self designed to harm each other and that whatever blame we place on each other will just close the cage we live in a little tighter, instead we both have to stand, take self responsibility for how and why we participate in games that make us foes instead of being Equals as Life, walking together a path of Self Support as Life as One and Equal and walk to become the partners we wished we had to each other, so that all wars between genders may stop 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated men when in fact I have always and only hated myself for who I became, what  said and thought around men and for believing that hate/hatred is real and who I am in relation to men and relationships

When and as I see myself about to approach a man as a personality, as something I like to pretend to be and not who I am here stable as Breath and I see that I am moving into a reaction of any kind, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if and when I am reactive I am in and as The Mind, so I breathe to clear myself before I speak or move or do anything that is involved with engaging men in any environment

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument with a man because that would make me more than him, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I have approached this point is because I have moved into a point of inferiority and so I stop, look at the inferiority point I have accessed, delete the energy charge through SF spoken quietly inside of me before I speak or do anything, to make sure I am not into and as a point of inferiority or I will attack to show myself that I am not less but I am in fact More

I commit myself to dissect my mind in relation to men and my relationships with them  to see where has the friction with men started in my world and why I have repeated patterns of relationship failures with men both in my private life and at work, so I may undo the original patterning, release myself and others from my patterned behaviour and rewrite myself in and as self correction into What is Best for All as Life and What is Best for Me, One and Equal

Day 8: The Ex that was never X

This morning I knew I wanted to write on a specific point that came up when I went to the gym yesterday, which is my connection to the word 'wet' :), even though this connection opened up the whole sex system and I was reticent to write about it in 'public', I found out as well how many topics I have to write about, seemingly innocent points that come up during the day, like 'I hate Jews" out of any apparent context or my connection or even conscious awareness of the point, to Hong Kong that I have not yet cleared in writing, especially my relationship with Michele my friend, so I'm making a list here to go back to each one of these, but when I read the mail this morning an urgent point opened up.

My ex husband sent me an email, to ask me about my travel agent in Thailand, this annoyed me greatly, because something happened on which I had built an extensive, although suppressed back chat, 10 days ago and I did not address it, instead I brushed it under the carpet believing that since we are not in contact regularly, it would go away.

The point was that 10 days ago I started to feel guilty about NOT telling him that we, as permanent residents of Hong Kong had the right to apply for a tax refund of 600 Euros, yes, Hong Kong is so rich that is giving tax money back to their citizens as a balance sheet surplus, money that they could use to improve the lives of those who are really poor in the city, like the Filipino maids, and who are a great asset to this city in which nothing could move without the Filipino workforce that amount to 300000 people, but they never had the chance to apply for permanent residenceship as they are not considered Equal worthy citizens even after  20 years of residence in the city.

Anyway, WE, the white Caucasians and a few wealthy Indians, have this right either by birth, nationality or Money when both the previous are missing, applying is very easy as everything is in Hong Kong, since the city focuses on the happiness and on the easing out the lives of the Money makers of the world that decide to take up residence there, I just had to go on my bank website and fill out a form, easy peasy, 4 weeks later I got the money credited on my account.

My ex husband has never been good with these things, he finds everything that needs reading of a bureaucratic nature tedious and he gives up before even trying, so at first I had quite some spitefulness going  on, like fuck it, why is it my responsibility to let him know, isn't he big enough to handle his own stuff, in the mixture there some resentment as well for our life together and for one particular incident I see now I should write about and I will. Anyway, these thoughts kept churning until one morning I decided to just write him a note to explain about the refund and how to do it, inclusive of links, I wrote him an email and sent him a msg on Facebook too. No Reply.

This was 2 weeks ago, so when I received his message today, I felt angry, in fact I still feel angry, because he always contacts me when he needs information, like I'm the yellow pages of his life and then he closes his messages with sentences that make me want to smack him, this one closed with 'I will see you, sometime, somewhere, somehow'.

So I replied with all the information required and just a note to say 'how is it possible to contact you unless by replying to one of your messages ?', this line was loaded, interesting because it is not at all in appearance but the most fascinating thing is that he replied with one line that said, in child transliteration in Italian 'I got scolfed'. He got the unspoken/unwritten load.

So, what are the points of all this irritation that I can address ?

First the point of my irrelevance in his life, it's obvious, I hate to be irrelevant in his life because if I still play the reaction game with him, he is not yet obviously irrelevant in mine.

Second, the point that he contacts me only when he needs something which makes me feel used but I still comply because I don't want to tell him to fuck off because this would make me doubt about my 'goodness' as a person, which is odd since I have already admitted to my non benevolence so it must be something else, yes, I fear his judgement, meaning I fear my judgement as having lost my aplomb, having fallen to the "fuck you" point so I swallow the 'fuck you' and load an innocent sentence with the same 'fuck you' charge, which he gets in full.

Third, I dislike reading between the lines that he is happy with another woman, in fact happier than he has ever been with me, because in this I find a point of devaluation as I compare myself to her subconsciously and I come out as a loser.

Fourth, I don't like to not be in control of how this relationship goes, so he can contact me whenever he wants and I cannot, so it's not fair, a point of unfairness for the unbalance of the relationship.

Fifth, I hate to be moved into reactions when interacting with him, so every time i see one of his messages I anticipate it will piss me off, even though, in self honesty, I can see there is no intention of doing so and it is all my unresolved stuff between us that brings up such feelings and emotions.

Sixth I have not let go of the what it could have been and the point of regret, there is a link as well to my being back in Italy, a question he asked and I did not reply to, which was, "Are you happy? are you in Italy to stay ?", because this brings up the point of failure for myself of having returned to Italy after 17 years abroad, having nothing 'to show' for myself, like my life never happened for 17 years, it was an intermission between the life I hated in Italy before and the life I hate in Italy after, it sucks to even write this.

Plus I have a fear of writing this as my husband will for sure be back on FB and email for a while, having been scolfed' and he may get a chance to read it and I will feel exposed and even more of a loser than I feel  when I interact with him.

So off with facing all these points with Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being irrelevant in another's life and in the specific in my ex husband's life because I have defined my relevance by the feed back I get from others/from him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about my irrelevance in my ex husband's life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more relevance on my ex husband than on myself as a feedback regarding my self worth, and for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Worth Here as Self Worth here  and not dependent on anything from the outside and separate from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for 'good' feedback from others regarding my relevance just to feed my Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to prove my relevance as an Ego system instead of accepting my Self Worth as Self Here in breath One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband life is my responsibility because this is how I understood marriage and I have never let go of this responsibility allowing myself to feel guilty if I do not do something for him as it is my responsibility to fill in where he lacks, as in organization and being on top of what goes on around him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband lacked these qualities just because I had them and I wanted to be important and useful in his life until I managed to make him lacking in my eyes so I could be the needed filler

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel used

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others and for feeling guilty regarding using others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to use others to have my desired outcome from my mental projections and fantasies about how my physical experience should be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about using others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself about using others and making of myself a 'bad person'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to tell others to 'fuck off' and in the specific to my ex husband because he doesn't fulfil my idea of how our relationship should be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my 'fuck off' for the desire to look civilized and good and not showing I'm in fact overcome with emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my ex husband judgement of me as a deranged bitch that told him to "fuck off' without any reason

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement of myself as a deranged bitch that tells people to fuck off without any reason

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are good reasons to tell people to fuck off that have to do with my ego and being right while others are wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous that my ex husband as a good life because I associate the words 'good life' with having a successful relationship and since he sounds chirpy in his message I assume he has that and I don't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life with my ex husband's life to make myself a loser according to my ideas and beliefs of what a successful life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as the comparison construct in  which someone has to lose for me to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm not in control of this relationship just because I blame my ex husband for the way I feel every time we get in touch with each other instead of taking self responsibility and accepting that what goes on inside of me has nothing to do with him but is the result of my suppressed back chat that I am not willing to face to stop it and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in this relationship because I don' t like what it brings up in me instead of seeing it as an opportunity to face myself, stop, breathe and self correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what has never been between myself and my ex husband  even though it should be clear that if it has never been the point of regret is a fantasy I made up together with what could have been but never was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories regarding my relationship with my ex husband so as to remember some  rare good times as a way to push myself into make belief regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories to highlight the bad times with my ex husband when I try to resolve the make belief point of regret by showing myself there is nothing to regret, instead of breathing, standing up to correct the delusional point of regret until I no longer exist one and equal to regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a failure because I am back in Italy without accepting it was my choice and Italy did not 'happen to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face my responsibility of in fact being back in Italy and having to do something here in regard to my participation in and as the system because I fear that if I do I close my door to leaving this country that I believe I hate as I hate my life in Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hate Italy and my life when in truth i have always only hated myself and my participation in and as this system of abuse in which I was never better or worse but Equal in the fuck up and now Equal in a process of Self Correction in which I am no longer alone as a random unit of self destruction but One and Equal through the process I walk with others to correct myself as the self abuse of thoughts, emotions and feelings I participated in and beLIEved to be me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into irritation regarding a message from my EX, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is only Self here and whatever he brings up inside of me is an inside job and as such it is my responsibility to fix it and release the bottled up energy that the irritation is pointing at, standing in self honesty and self correction until no reactions move when I interact with him

When and as I see myself reacting or about to react to anything I read into one of My ex husband's messages, I stop, breath, remind myself anything I read that is not there is a fantasy in my mind and a result of accumulated back chat, I look at it in self honesty, write myself out and apply self forgiveness until there is no longer a reaction inside of me regarding to what he writes

When and as I see myself fearing a message from my ex husband I have not yet read, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is nothing I fear in this world but me and what goes on inside of me and that in self honesty and self corrective application I can correct my past until nothing of who I was remains and on the blank slate of my Ego I can rewrite a world that is best for All

I commit myself to investigate every reaction that comes up inside of me, look at the root cause and how I have created it through a self judgement that I have not yet forgiven and to forgive myself until I am no longer a reactive being that contributes to what we have become as the Mind Consciousness System in and as separation from myself and All There Is, but a Self Directive One that can stand One and Equal for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal