Day 371: Do I 'Mind'? Yes, unfortunately 'I Still Do Mind'...

I have been off my Mind Blogs for sometime now, mainly because I have not made the effort to overcome what was going on in my private life to find the Time to go back to self support as writing.

It would seem quite idiotic to not do the one thing that could effectively support me through this time of transition, but hei, this is the nature of me as The Mind, all about survival and no brains at all, no brains of the kind that helps to sort things out, this is why we remind to each other to go back to writing, when we don't we risk to be sucked back into Mind games, we risk self diminishment, self judgement, we risk to participate in meaningless tirades about who we have been, what we have done and everything we have participated in that we are not so proud of after all, instead of taking the time to just delete and move on, using the tools I have learnt with Desteni.

So, in this first blog returning from the Depth of Minding my own businesses, I will start with clearing the perception of myself as someone who shouldn't be entitled to write at all, because I have married many different causes before and I have seen me, as the Mind, using this specific point to belittle myself, to make sure that I won't have the balls to stand up because I shouldn't, because I have been a spokeperson for too many theories and belief system that I should have the decency to just shut up.

Instead, I won't. I will never shut up again, I have had many lives, none of which worth of any note because they were all targeting one point, my self fool-fillment and not seeking solutions to realign myself so that I can be one point that starts to broadcast Me as the World I want to live in.

Here is my self forgiveness on this specific point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to intimidate myself and bully myself about having lost the right to self expression due to the many causes and belief system I have been a spoke person for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could lose credibility if I stood up for Change because of my past and the past lives I have lived as a tarot reader, crystal healer, positive thinker and Abraham Hicks supporter, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that what I participated in doesn't define me unless I accept myself to be defined by it as who I am vs realizing that what I participated in was a quest to seek the truth about this creation and why I am here and in no way diminishes my ability to stand up and say I got it all wrong and I am now ready to realign and walk a process of real self change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to speak up, write blogs and share my new stance about existence and my role within it, I would be ridiculed and be told 'give it up already' instead of seeing realizing and understanding I have always feared my own self judgement about what I participated in for self aggrandizement and not the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing the name of my ex pop up on Skype, go into an anxiety about 'what if he reads what I write and then goes on to tell others that I am now involved with this 'new cult' and that I haven't changed because I am still at it, talking about ways to change myself when everyone knows that 'people don't change''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think and speak the words 'People dont/never change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in my 'ex husband' opinion of me as more valuable than what I am doing to change myself and for accepting and allowing myself to freeze at the idea of him rolling his eyes in contempt about the fact that what I am doing is 'unscientific, not proven to work and is just an idea in my head - not unlike the many others I pursued before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out in my mind the distress I would feel if such an event would take place instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my own self indulged creation coming to bite me back and that I can correct this imagination point by deleting it and no longer allowing myself to participate within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared at the idea that I have compromised my ability to share with others in common sense because I have participated in a lot of activities that lacked common sensical investigation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am walking the consequences of my unaware participation in reality and that I can correct this point by standing unwavering accumulating common sensical points until common sense is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of participation in writing due to what was going on in my private life, as adjusting to a relationship that turned out to be way more demanding than I first 'thought' when I did not evaluate all the points I would have to be involved with to support this person, until he can speak Italian properly and move independently without my help

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and filled with resentment because I accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship choice based on a nice solid ass, which is not much of a point one can base a relationship on, and for then facing the fact that I can't walk away as I have always done blaming him for not being able to keep up the pace of words with me, because I knew this point would need time and for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated at the amount of time this process is taking instead of seeing and realizing that learning a language is a time based process as one accumulates words and understanding and that it was my own ass-based assumptions that made it into something else before I entered the relationship, so I would not have to consider the time point which would have been a minus while I was wanting to collect only pluses to go and live out this relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and then bully others because I did not take the time to unbully myself in writing to avoid passing on my self abuse in the form of abuse to others

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up points about my past participation as a way from preventing myself from writing out my mind and what is going on within me, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is just a form of self sabotage and that I have the choice to not participate and move to writing myself out instead

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear the judgement of others about my current participation -yet again- within a cult-ish group, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing cult-ish about Desteni but the label someone attached to it as a form of prevention from having to face ourselves as The Mind and keep on walking my process in self support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my partner because he doesn't master words at the speed I do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there are many other ways in which he is supporting me and that I am singling out this point of words as an excuse to bully him and belittle him when I accept and allow myself to bully and belittle myself, so I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, do not accept to speak words in reaction that are not supportive and are creating consequences in mine and his life and instead offer the support required to him to be able to master this language in the time it will take - that cannot be set by my ideas or opinions about it in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to blame him for my lack of participation within process, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this is in fact self Dis'One-est as it has never been his fault if I faded away but my own responsibility to not give in to the Mind in self doubt and self judgement until I had to push to stand up again and keep walking

I commit to no longer suppress what is going on within me to the point of accumulation but instead to support myself through writings, SF and SCA until I can stand stable to keep walking my process with my group as the seed of the Humanity that will come, One and Equal, until it's done

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• 276: Pimples, Projections and Perceptions
• 295: The Hidden Ego

Day 326: Who says that 'What is Best for All' is Best for ME?

It is sad to realize how this simple sentence, which happens to be at the core of every religion and philosophy in the world, is feared and taken for a coercive statements that means people will no longer be FREE to do as they like, should a world that considers all parts of the Whole Equally ever come about.

Unfortunately, or maybe appropriately, the answer to 'What is Best for All' cannot be given, it has to be Self Realized because 'I' have to first understand What is Best for Me in relation to All the Players within an Equation, where I have considered All parts Equally and guess what, what is Best for All in one occasion may not be Best for All in another, within the same point, this is why Religions do not have any Solution to offer, there isn't a fixed Best for All if not the point of Giving to All what I would like for myself and Not do to another what I would not like to be done to me, no other 'rule' is required to expand into and as this understanding, if my children are hungry and I can't get a job and this system doesn't support me, it is my duty to feed them one way or another, that would make stealing OK, a duty in fact, because Life is more important that the delusion that some can own Vital Earth Resources and cut others off from them as Their Right, so in this case, blindly following a religion (and incidentally, who could be stealing if not the poor from the rich, who says that religions weren't the Rich Guidelines to their own safety and that they were the writers of all Commandments for their own protection and justification?) would not allow me to do What is Best for All at All Times, fake morality would stand in the way of my clarity.

The answer to What is Best for All is held within each one of us as a Point of Awareness, flip flopping through Life won't have us aware enough to consider All Points at All Times and We won't be Able to do What is Best for All, ever, if I, Self is not included in the Equation, because this Equation is Not What is Best for All -bar Me, it's Best for All, which has to include Me or the Equation is incomplete, it's Dis-h-One-est, because I am missing from the One that has to make the decision of What is Best for All.

So, to start appreciating What is Best for All, we can consider what and how we would benefit most from within a moment if we were in another shoes, cross referencing it with Self and then, in a Self Honest moment of Breath, just do it, it doesn't require rocket science to work it out, just Self Trust that I am able and walking to learn to consider Others as Myself and to Give to All What is Best.

So, when we react to this simple sentence 'What is Best for All', there may be some points to consider:

Point One, I don't know What is best for Me - in self honesty I can say that I have been rather busy with self Abuse for most of my life, if you are busy abusing yourself that point needs correction before you can grasp what is Best for All, how could you if you have not yet taught yourself what is Best for You?
No one that stands as Self Abuse can do what is Best for All, because they themselves are missing from the Equation required to work out What is Best for All, and in such cases, we may have the manifestation of the Do Gooder Character as an attempt to compensate for all the things we have not done in consideration of Others as Self, but that it's just a Lie, and we can assess our Self Abuse without external intervention, most of it happens in Our Secret Minds -only to overflow later in the physical-, where we run ourselves to the ground to make sure we won't be able to stand and do What is Best for All, not even by chance

Point Two, is if we are Abusers, many claim their right to Freedom in ways that can be described odd to use a vast understatement, our right to Porn, even if this means supporting a whole industry of Abuse and Slavery is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to alcohol and drugs is not a Human right, it's Self Abuse, our right to Anonymity so we can slander and engage in libelous activities on the web and get away with it, it's not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to have sex with Animals who don't have a say in it, it's not a Human right, it's an Abuse, our right to Abuse Animals and the World for Profit is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, our right to invade other countries for their resources so we can keep up our lifestyle is not a Human Right, it's an Abuse, so you see, when we get down to the nitty gritty of why people oppose What is Best for All and lay it out in the open, it doesn't look so good, and yet we went so far as creating a whole new vocabulary to explain why we are in fact entitled to do what we do and defined our Criminal Activities as Human Rights, so while we stood united to claim our Rights to Abuse, we got Abused, we rolled over while Real Human Rights were eroded under our very eyes but we were too busy proving that we had the Freedom of Speech that entitled us to Abuse or the Freedom of Choice so I can hold on to porn and alcohol and drugs, no matter the consequences, the Freedom to 'defend our Borders' -abroad-  to justify our right to go to war against others and while we took away the Right of other living beings, go figure, our Real Human Rights were taken away too.

One could say not surprisingly, because we have not shown to be Humans as in HumanKind but rather Human as in ViciousHumans and so we lost the right to Live because we moved Life way down the list of relevant things in the world as we busied ourselves with all forms of abuse we could conceive, meanwhile we got so far removed from our Humanity that at the sound of the words 'What is Best for All', we react, we don't want What is Best for All if that means the end of our right to Abuse, because....well, because we are TheMented as in living up in our isolated little Kingdoms of Our Minds, where we can pretend to be a self sustainable island, missing out on the obvious, undeniable interconnectedness of All Things, which give us life -while we don't, we take it from others so we can turn it into Money and hopefully end our existential fears within the Illusion that we'll be able to buy our Piece/Peace of Mind.

So, please consider, What is Best for All includes YOU, we want a good Life for everyone, free education, free health care, free housing, a share of the world resources for All, we want to support each other, all living beings and the world as One, how is that not good for You? What kind of freedom are you after that such a world would not provide: Freedom from Debt Slavery, from Education Slavery, Freedom from Fear of Each other, of not having enough to live or of not having a place where to live, freedom from the fear for the future of your children, freedom from stress, from anxiety, from most of the Evil of this world -just by agreeing to give to each other what we would want for ourselves.

So, if and when you should see yourself react to these words, just ask yourself, what is it that you fear giving up, is it the porn, alcohol and drugs, anonymity, fucking animals, really, what is it that stands in the way of Your Self Realization of what will be possible when we realign in Oneness and Equality to What is Best for All and then see if you can find it in your heart to stop the Abuse and the Self Abuse -for Life.

We are making it our business to learn to do What is Best for All -for Life, what kind of busy-ness are you investing yourself into and -is it worth Your Life -or Not?

Get support to break Free from Abuse, no one has to live this way, together we can create a world that works for All and bring Heaven to Earth for All, why the Hell are we waiting for?

Basic Income Guaranteed - to take the first steps into a world of Support

Equal Money - for when we'll be BIG Enough to comprehend a New World Paradime

Desteni I Process - to support your walk out of Abuse and Self Abuse, back to Life.

Related articles

• Day 315: How many Human Rights Can You Afford?
• 206: Do we Care About those that Go Without their Basic Human Rights? Or Just Ourselves?
• Day 433: The BIG Question
• Day 229: Can Equality only be Achieved through Inequality? | Equality and Human Rights - Part 7
• Day 323: IMAGINE a World that Works for All....
• Day 417: Basic Income and Nationalized Resources

Day 323: IMAGINE a World that Works for All....

There are so many things that are not working in this world that can go back to one single point: our unwillingness to give to Each Other what we would like for ourselves.

Today I am writing about this point so I can see for myself the WHY, because apparently there is no common sensically WHY to not doing the One Thing that would bring to the world everything we say we want: Peace, Harmony, Brotherhood, the possibility to trust each other unconditionally, love as a living expression of who we are, we could be living in Heaven for real if we gave to all living beings, the Earth included, the same consideration we want and desire for ourselves.

In a way it seems too easy to beat the drum of greed and self interest, honestly, where is the self interest in creating a world such as this, even the rich don't have it good because as they cleverly go about to pass Laws that allow them to pollute and destroy, Here they are, sharing the same broken planet, they just have more money to move from one apparent consequence-free-space to another but that's about it, I don't believe anyone is truly happy on this Earth at the moment, this is why we created Positivity, Love and Light and Positive Thinking, isn't it?

What was the big selling point of Positivity if we were not living crappy realities inside ourselves at all times, who would go and buy the energetic experience of 'feeling better' if they were not feeling BAD before?

So why don't we talk about HOW BAD we feel most of the time for this Creation we have manifested and brought about, that leaves out of the game 1/3 of the population that can't raise their head above the poverty line to take a breath, to have one moment in their Life where this exercise in futility, that we call existence, could make sense beyond having to survive just another day.

So, today I want to look at one point that I see connected to this and that I know many may unconsciously or subconsciously share, which hit home once when I saw a video called 'God Loves Self Abuse' and that was brought home again when, during my explanation of Equal Money as a different way to conceive the world and ourselves to a friend, he told me 'we'll have to see if we can believe that we deserve it'.

So, there goes the Truth, we believe we don't deserve anything better than what we have got, maybe this is why we indulge in Self Abuse, that's a path we can walk to infinity (although I am under the impression we can't go much further), the point of Self Abuse is everywhere, we have a whole world where people fight for their right to Self Abuse, be that through alcohol, drugs or porn, none of these things are supportive in any way to either the Human Body or Mind, but we fight nail and tooth to prevent someone regulating our self abuse (and not for a world that works for all), obviously we have not yet got enough or we have come to believe that we will never be able to move beyond our weaknesses and addictions  and therefore, we want the world to stand as the pusher, as the provider of the tools that we choose with which we can abuse ourselves, believing that this is as good as it gets and since we are wasted as Humanity, we can waste away without regrets.

So as this point that this could be as good as it gets, resonates through me, that we may NOT be deserving of a better world, it may be possible that millions out there share the same inability to let go of what they have done and who they have been and stand within the resignation that we the Creator of such a world, should endure it all the way to its destruction.

Maybe then, one point that we need to dig out, each one for ourselves, specifically those claiming Spirituality and their desire for a better world, would be 'can we move past our self hatred for what is best for All?' Can we stop the righteousness of seeking the punishment we believe we deserve for what we have done, can we forgive ourselves and our Creation at large, so that we can re-create ourselves and the kind of world which would give us everything we say we seek, including the respect for our participation no longer in a Game of (Self) Destruction and Death but in the Business of Life, where we all become shareholders of an Idea that has not yet come to be, just because we could not overcome the self disgust for what we have done when we sold out Life for Money and in our denial come back again and again to pretend to be alive and live on as memories of those that came before us.

So, let's redefine Earth as this planet we created as a Correctional Facility, we are all InMates, we are Here to experience on our skin what happens when we DO NOT apply the principle of considering Everything that exists as Equally valuable as ourselves, it's a huge responsibility to consider all parts of the system to work in harmony and have everything they need to thrive, this is why the call is for all of us, if each one stands as one point of Absolute Consideration for the Whole, then we'll have Heaven on Earth, so then the ultimate question is, is Self Responsibility really worse than Hell?

What about trying it out, we did Hell, look how it turned out, we could do Heaven for a change and see how we like it and if we don't, no worries, we have the blueprints for Hell, Hell is where 'I' do only what is best for me in separation from the Whole as One, the Micro and the Macro are showing us the workings of self interest in separation, look at the Corporations, Governments, check out all the systems that have abandoned the principle of What is Best for All and see what came out of it, then let's bring this back to each one of us, where am I behaving like a ruthless Corporation so that I can Profit from others and see how can I correct myself, where are my secret agendas, secret governments, secret desires and how can I let them go, how can I integrate the principle of 'Give as you would like to receive' in everything I do, how can I make this principle practical, liveable, something I can apply in every area of my Life?

Do I need the 10 commandments to tell me what not to do, do I need Ramadan to remind myself what I should be doing or not doing, do I need my mother, the Law, the traffic warden or can I stand and see by myself in every moment what needs to be done because I can include all points involved into consideration and then walk the solution that includes me as All/The Whole?

This is for us to decide, if we can stand and we can prove that we stand as a Principle and not as a Prop, the jail gates will unlock and we may share the bounty of this creation beyond anything we have ever imagined, Life is wasting while we wait, so let's not waste our Breaths and Time with Self Hatred, yes we fucked up royally, this is undeniable, can we stop, can we correct it, can we fix it?

Then let's do so, because self hatred is the most insidious of all self interest as we bask in the idea of being punished has having 'done enough', look I was wrong AND Punished, have done my part thankyouverymuch, when in fact Standing Punished is Just Another Game to avoid our responsibility, what if we stood Corrected instead?

Find support to walk your self correction and stop the Self Hatred and Self Punishment Here

A better world starts with a Basic Income Guaranteed, because no one should go hungry, thirsty, homeless, desperate, without support, it is our response-ability to take care of each other and All Living Beings, because I can only get what I am willing to give and Love will begin with the practical giving of Love to All as the upliftment of All Existence from Misery, at last.

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Day 93: The Addict Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as The 'Addict' Character, failing to see that anything I define myself as, I become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the reason why I defined myself as The Addict Character was that so I could go on smoking pot whenever I wanted or relapse whenever I wanted because as an Addict it was beyond my control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I finally moved myself from the 'I like this lifestyle' Character to the I am an "Addict' Character, I was being honest as I was admitting my inability to step out of the Smoking Pot Character, instead of realizing I was just giving myself 'carte blanche' to go on smoking and fucking up my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the only reason why I may want to leave the door ajar into my I am an Addict Character, is because I have a secret plan to relapse, when and if I get a chance, because I believed that I cannot throw away 30 years of 'my History' as the definition of who I chose to be for 30 years, no matter how shitty that Character was to embody, it's still 'part of me' and I resist parting from it and within this I forgive myself for resisting parting from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately manipulate my memories of me as The Addict Character, leaving out all the unpleasant bits and the ginormous consequences I lived out so I could continue playing the demented Addict, instead of filing the real story of what playing this Character has costed me because I am too ashamed of looking back and seeing the amount of self abuse I have inflicted on myself and others playing this Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for having embodied the Addict Character and the 'I like this Lifestyle' Character and for the abuse I have inflicted on myself and others within the self interest of wanting to have the Addict experience, no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to The Addict Character as a way to remind myself that I became an Addict because there were troubles at home, so I could hold on to my Abused Child Character and maintain the friction with my family going to generate Energy for myself and believe that I was right and justified in my life choice as an Addict, justifying my life of self abuse and of abuse of others by blaming my childhood as the cause of my suppressions and then justifying the self medication I took as Pot, because I had to create a dis-ease in my mind to justify why I needed to self medicate, instead of stepping out of both the Character of the Abused Child and the Self Medicating Addict Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am defined by the shame of my Life of Self Abuse and that at the most I can suppress it and keep it at bay by no longer smoking, even though I left the door to go back to my Character ajar, because One never knows, while I know at all times what I am doing and why and it is just a Matter of becoming Self Honest to step out of this Character for Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking a joint is an option I don't want to dismiss for good, because what if one day 'I'm just feeling too compressed and suppressed and I have given up my 'medicine for good' and what could be my saving grace I won't have access to, instead of seeing that Pot was never my saving grace but my living disgrace as I pushed myself lower and lower in the pit of self pity and addiction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going back to work because, having left the door of Pot smoking ajar, in case of stress, and having connected work to stress within my mind as something that will come up for sure, once I will move into the belief that I am too stressed out, from that plateau I will automatically seek for my 'I am too stressed out' medicine, instead of realizing that I was too stressed out in the Past because I did not have the tools of writing myself out and stopping my own self abuse through thoughts/feelings and emotions, but now The Past is Over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of this Character, because I have embodied it for so long that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it was me, as Who I Really Am, and not just a Character that I played out as a way to not take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dupe myself with the stories about my bravery to admit that, yes I was in fact An Addict, failing to see I was not being brave, I was just laying out my justifications of why I would never give it up so I could smoke to my heart content having admitted that, yes I am flawed and I don't give a fuck about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was/am flawed and there is nothing I can do about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that as I wished to not have responsibility for my actions, at the same time I abdicated my power to change, because power is where self responsibility is, and that if in the past I doubted myself to be able to change is because I had not in fact taken self responsibility, but admitted my powerlessness through the acceptance of the Character I Am an 'Addict' and lived it out as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to images of people smoking a joint, the blue Rizla pack and logo, movies in which the pot smokers seem happy and relaxed, posts on Facebook about getting high, and for then suppressing all the reactions because I don't want to face the point of looking at them, seeing that is all Fear and investigating, what am I afraid of, just to see that I fear the door ajar that I left behind me as my future opportunity to step back in Character as The Addict and do myself in for good this time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself on the Pot Point, because of all the times that I told myself - and others- that I was going to quit and then I didn't, instead of seeing I failed because I planned to fail through leaving the door ajar back to the Addict Character, which is the reason for the fears I have felt and suppressed now, and that I can decide to just shut that door for good and move on, because I Am the One that Decides

I commit myself to stop any judgement I have about Pot, as my enemy, and accept that chances to go back to smoking Pot are everywhere and I cannot avoid seeing when a Pot deal is taking place because I have trained myself for it, but I can commit myself to closing the Addict Door for good as that will make anything I see irrelevant as I have made my Decision as the Self Directive principle of me to never return to that Character, the Past is Over

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself react or about to react and be tempted to either look away from the points I have identified as my triggers, such as the Rizla blue pack, the Rizla logo, the image of a joint or of grass, happy potheads in movies and in other circumstances, to simply remind myself that I no longer want to embody The Addict Character, Breathe, bring myself back Here and stand as The Self Directive principle of Myself until any urge or desire to suppress is gone as I have breathed myself through and out of my reactions

I commit myself to stop the nostalgic bullshit of Times Gone By, as they were never good times as they are portrayed by my mind when The Addict file comes to my attention in pictures flashes to activate me as The Addict, and that I am still walking the consequences of having embodied this Character for far too long to the detriment of my health and my life while I did everything possible to not be Here and face myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I commit myself to stop all judgement of me as The Addict Character, as I see realize and understand that any judgement is a point of separation, a point that I do not want to own of my Life and take responsibility for, yet it is me and I forgive myself for the Life I lived as an Addict and for believing The Addict Character to be me as Who I Really Am

I commit myself to shut the door to the Addict Character for good as I see realize and understand that what I feared was my Lack of a Decision that I could walk, never turning back, and so I stand here committed to myself and my decision to never engaging The Abusive Addict Character Again, for myself as What  is Best for All, as Life and All of Existence Equal and One

Day 61: My Experience with Violence, I am not Violence

My experience with Violence started when I was a kid.

When I started to disagree on what my mother set as The Rules for My behaviour, slaps started to fly.

I have the physical memory of what being slapped felt like as a child, once she slapped me so hard I felt electricity run on one side of my mouth and had the slap feeling on my face imprinted there for hours afterward, I hated to be touched when she was enraged, pushed around and even more being slapped.

I found slaps in the face humiliating and unjust, there was a huge sense of injustice rising inside of me because I could not slap her back, the first time I did when I was 17 all hell broke loose, as this was a cultural taboo, every one was expected to take them and to never return them.

I remember as well what kinds of thoughts I would immediately move to when I felt physically violated, they went from rage to murderous and the feelings matched from anger to hatred.

All of this stuff I suppressed it because I did not know what to do with it and because it was immoral and bad to have certain thoughts and feelings against one's parents, so I added the self judgement on top of the pile of shit. By the time I was 17 and I smoked my first joint that was it, I had found my Nirvana, I would just no longer think about this stuff and felt peace and love for all the world, or so I thought until I discovered that it was like the bathtub plug, every time I pulled the plug all the stuff I had suppressed came back on the surface, every time I gave up Pot my first three days off were hell and spent in tears, I learnt later from other addicts that they all went through the same experience, so Pot is just like Antidepressants, when you give them up you'll face it all, the idea that stuff had magically gone away was just a delusion.

When Violence at home began, I started to hate all Authority Figures as well and became defiant to all of them, from police, to teachers, judges, anyone in the 'authority category' I would just patronize them, or so I pretended.

Of course within this defiant personality I had all sorts of ideas of what I would have done if I had ever met a violent man in my life, I would have jumped up, hit him with an uppercut, cut his balls off and  flushed them in the toilet, I was the Brave Brigade until the day I met One Violent Man.

This was actually the point in my life when I eased out on judging others, I had all sorts of ideas on abortions and the women who undergo them, until I had 2, and all sorts of ideas on women that allow men to beat them up, until I got beaten up.

I don't suggest getting the hang of it this way, it's painful and scarring,  I should have just given up all judgements on anyone and on myself too, they are really ridiculous and usually just the result of my demented imagination that played out righteousness and personalities to just be better than others, so I would not have to feel so lousy by comparison.

When I was 23 I met a guy, he was my colleague, he flirted with me endlessly at work but I had a boyfriend, I didn't want  to cheat, I was NOT a Cheater, for that I waited to be married, so I left my perfectly nice and kind boyfriend to embark on the whirlwind romance that this other guy had to offer. Of course I moved into the relationship with plenty of guilt, I basically threw out my boyfriend of 3 years from home finding something to fault him about and then even refused to have proper communication with him to support him to find a good reason for the break up, I simply couldn't, because there was none, I just fancied the other guy more.

There was something 'dangerous' about him, he was very fit, in great shape, and he was considered our new star employee, another genius like me, but he was recognized as such by his wage, so I thought I could vicariously enjoy some of his stardom and that he was a more suitable match for me.

He took me to meet his family,  when I looked back the signs of something off were all there, the mother and his father looked at me with a mixture of pity and gratefulness, strange because this guy was an obvious good catch. One day he told me that he had slapped a woman, I told him 'you must have had your good reasons', I wanted to look cool and non impressionable and fearless, like whatever, as long as it was not me. On another occasion we were sitting having a sandwich and I physically felt his rage, and even told him, I feel so much rage in you, where do you play this rage out and he said 'at the gym'.

One morning he pushed me around because of something I said and I rolled over the couch, he was soo apologetic, he said sometimes he did not realize his strenght. All the signs were there, yet I could not ditch him after I had left my perfectly good boyfriend for him, had to try and make it work.

Slowly I realized he had infiltrated my life, he kind of moved in without ever talking about it, he wanted immediately a tight relationship, almost obsessive, would call me  continuously at work when we were already no longer working together, every evening we were supposed to be together, plus sex was lousy, for some strange reason sex was the least intimate part of our relationship, in sex he really moved away, like I became a thing and no longer a person.

Two months later I asked him to leave, I told him I did not want this relationship and I was about to list the whys and I started with 'you are crazy' which triggered something and he slapped me and I flew across the bed. I felt the humiliation rise, I started to say I would report me if he touched me again, but by then I saw the demonic look in his eyes, just a moment too late, he dragged me to the kitchen threw me on the floor, pulled me by my hair against the wall and started to kick me in my chest and in my head while he held me by the hair, I had the experience of moving out of fear into pure survival, I was not physically afraid, I was just trying to cover my face and while he kicked me and said not to worry because he knew how not to leave any marks he told me that 'it's easy to take it on the weakest one, isn't it ?" Which given the situation was odd to say the least. But it wasn't if one sees that he was in playback mode, playing out the assault at his father over and over again. When he thought he did enough damage, he stood up to leave, of course  could not let him go just like that, after such an immense Ego bruising, so I stood up and said 'men that beat women are just deepshits', he put down his bag, came back pulled me by my feet to make me fall again and then sat on my chest chocking me, while he asked me to 'say I was sorry'. That is when I felt fear again, I flashed ahead to my corpse in the living room and my mother being told I was dead and all the grief this would cause and no one ever knowing what happened to me. so I tried to say Sorry, but I couldn't because he was chocking me so hard that I could not breathe, but finally he let go just enough for me to breathe and speak the 'I'm sorry' words and I did. Then he got up took his bag and left.

The next day I went to work, put on my normal work face and pretended nothing happened but one of my close friend from the HR came  to my office and standing on top of me saw my hair were not right, chunks were missing and when she asked about it I told her the story, she said nothing, went to her room and called him, he was at home, he was too sick to go to work and she told me that if anything else happened to me she would make sure he would never work again in whole Italy. This is how we settle stuff in Italy, from one threath to another, the bigger we grow in power, the more we grow in association, we end up in the family, the Cosa Nostra, the Mafia Clan.

He had some friends left at my office, he scratched his face and then invited them for drinks and told them that WE had a fight and that I beat him up, when I spoke to one of the 2 friends he was close to, he did not believe me, they introduced him to another woman,  he sent that one to the hospital.

Two days after he beat me I thought about reporting him, he told me he had a pile of reports for abuses 'up to here', so not believing in the justice system of my country, I called his father and asked him to call me back when he could talk. The father listened to me and then confessed that he was an habitual offender but they could no longer force him into treatment because he was of age, past 18 and therefore they could no longer interfere,  he said as well that if it was any consolation, he beat only the ones he really loved, funny because this happened to me as well when I was a child and I had a vicious admirer in the courtyard. Actually no, it was of absolutely no consolation.

For 2 weeks afterward I crawled against walls when going home  in fear he would be waiting for me somewhere, one interesting point of this experience is that the physical pain was almost immediately forgotten, It was the fucking "I'm sorry' that didn't go down at all, I saw myself as a coward pitiful woman that was not willing to die for her pride, how ridiculous is that, yet this was The Point of scarring of the whole experience, two weeks later the fear of him waiting for me vanished too, until he called me one Saturday to ask me out again, I remember fearing that he was somewhere close and going to lock my door, I told him 'you know you are sick right ?' and he said 'yes, would you help me ?' and I said "I can't, I don't know how to help you plus I don't trust you. Would  you meet you again after what happened  And he said 'before or after buying a Kalashnikov?' and I said 'so you gave yourself the answer because I am not buying a gun to feel safe to meet you again, but I wish you all the best and do look for help'.

Two months ago, my same friend that told him she would make sure he would never find a job again told me, 'you now CP, he is in jail in California'. She said it was on national TV, she did not know why.

I knew why, I went on the web and researched the trial transcripts, assault, rape, kidnapping, vicious beatings. In the trial transcripts they interviewed another girlfriend, she said he was violent with her every time he drank, he chocked her, set her clothes on fire and many other things.

The one that brought him  down said many things in which I could read the evolution of him as the mind in a very logical thread, he did it for sure, was jailed for 8 years, but never admitted to doing it, not even to have his time reduced, the shame of the labels was worse  than jail term, now he is again on National TV debating his innocence, I see him, I know he did it, we started out the same, violence at home, when I slapped my mother back he broke his father arm, I had just me to protect, he had his 2 younger brothers too, when he drunk all the suppressed rage the sense of injustice, the violence and the humiliation he never dealt with rose up, and Mr. Jekyll would turn into Mr. Hide, it could have been me, he is Me, the Violence and the rage  just never attended to because I knew that being a woman would never lead me there, I would stop at self abuse and some verbal abuse, but it was just the lucky gender roulette and not by any chance me being better than him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the rage and violence that I felt when my mother hit me and I could not hit her back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the hatred that I felt for my mother when she hit me and that I desired her to die, when in fact I hated myself for my own self abuse and I desired to  die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to suppress the sense of extensive injustice at being physically violated, because it is normal and legit that an authority figure can do what they want because they had power over me because I was small and she was big, instead of seeing I was being System Indoctrinated to obedience through violence in this sick system of abuse that we have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad and disgusting for entertaining negative emotions toward my mother that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe Had Authority Over Me, instead of seeing it was me giving my authority away because I connected my mother to survival and I did not know what else to do or where to go to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because if my mother hit me and slapped me around I must have deserved it and if I deserved it I must have been worthless and unlovable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my mother job to love me when she couldn't even love herself, instead of seeing it was my job and my responsibility to love me and be there for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desert myself because I was such a BAD child that even my mother didn't love me and so I shouldn't love or care for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT care for myself and love myself when my mother had stated through the violence used to rule me that I was not to be cared for or loved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother believed that I was unlovable and bad just because she couldn't control herself and what was going on inside of her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a victim of my mother's outburst and  for emboding the victim construct as the result of my accepted and allowed beliefe in me as a victim

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear physical violence and the feeling of having been violated every time she either pushed me around or hit me in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my life and my survival as a child because I did not know how far my mother would go and how to toe the line to prevent these outbursts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to normalize physical violence inside of me by disconnecting myself more and more from my body in fear of the physical pain I would have to endure if I was one and equal to my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that passion, love and violence are one and the same and for associating rough sex with passion/love and therefore with violence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage a man who was OBVIOUSLY rage-full because I missed all the signs and instead saw a familiarity between him and myself failing to see that what we had in common was years of bottled up rage and humiliation that we had covered up with 'nice personalities that toed the line in appearance'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited by his dangerous personality missing the danger part of dangerous because I have accepted and allowed myself to feel electrified by violence and for missing out the signals that what was electrifying about him was his suppressed violence, same as in my mother and myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the  signs of his worried family when they met me, because I wanted to live dangerously this relationship with him because he made me feel valued through his obsession and desire to spend all the time with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge battered women as stupid whimps and imagine what I would have done in their place, not having a clue what is it like to be thrown against a wall yet imagining myself to be better than other women until I found myself in the same situation and took a good beating just like they did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for myself the first time he pushed me around, because I had the experience to know that violence escalates but because I felt guilty over how I had dumped my boyfriend for him parts of me believed I deserved everything that was coming for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hear him when he told me he had slapped a woman and for saying 'you must have had your good reasons' because he was trying to have an honest communication but I was too busy playing out the cool cookie to pay any attention to someone that was as sick as me and that as me was desperately trying to suppress it and not show it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are 'good reasons' for violence and that sometime when 'one is needed it should be given', because I have internalized this talk from my mother justifying why she would use violence against me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move out of my body when he hit me to a degree that I realized the damage and the fear I felt only when my hair fell off in chunks because I feared for my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying in a beating and being chicked to death and having my corpse discovered in my apartment and the grief that it would cause my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mother's potential grief as the excuse to allow myself to say 'I am sorry'' instead of seeing that it was the common sense thing to do given the situation and that I did not have to feel guilty and a coward for doing what I had to do to save my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for saying 'I'm sorry' because even in that moment I wanted to keep up the apperance of the strong resiliant woman above living and I hated to say an "i'm sorry" in exchange for my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my personalities are more valuable than my Life and that I should die defending them as to say that my Mind is more important than My Life and I should die defending it, which is NOT the case

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see in this man a clear mirror of myself as a result of violence and suppressed thoughts and emotions as a child and that while I did not support myself to stop my self abuse he did not stop himself and his self abuse escalated all the way to damaging acts of violence to which I have not given in just because I suppressed myself more efficiently than him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame him  for what happened between us, instead of seeing what happened as the manifested consequences of my self abuse and my self judgement of myself as worthless and unlovable and as a victim that did not stand as the Authority Figure in and as myself and someone else around me always did in my place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate all authority figures because I blamed them for taking my power away and for having power over me, instead of seeing that it was me giving my power away believing that I was helpless and unable to stand for and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions with food because tonight when  I discovered he is actually out of jail and watched his interviews on you tube I went into  an unreasonable fear and saw myself desire to eat, simply because I could not drink or smoke pot, and so I saw clearly my pattern of suppression play out that I did not stop, because I stuffed myself before sitting down and writing all of this out, instead of sitting down and writing myself out instead of accepting to suppress myself in any way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger and rage and then desire for revenge when I discovered he was out of jail after just 8 years (sic) proclaiming his innocence when I know from the transcript that he did it because the patterns were the same as what he did to me just way worse and that I wanted to see him crucified and not excused and have everyone believing he is innocent when he is a repeat offender and a pathological liar, just like me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be wiling to forgive myself for this rage and violence I have lived one and equal to and for projecting on him my own desire to crucify myself instead of stopping all self abuse and standing in  and as the correction that is required by me to own all of me in self responsibility and keep walking my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  withhold my self forgiveness and to project on others One and Equal to me the withholding of my forgiveness, even when I can clearly see the absolute mirror of myself even to the point that I too would lie about such crimes in fear of those labels and the judgements of others I should live with, reminding me I am a violent rapist and an abuser of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgement of others and of myself about what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through and as The Mind, as an Abuser of Life, of myself and others one and equal, in search for blood, revenge, squaring books of debts and credits, so I can live that one insignificant point of righteousness and for a moment stop seeing myself as such a fuck up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a fuck up, everyone fucked up here according to our placement and life experience, so the sooner all judgements stop, the sooner we can start to heal and put all our pieces back together in alignment with Oneness and equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I should reach out to him and introduce him to Desteni because he is a computer programmer and he would get what this is all about, and I can see the next one he will kill her, but then I went into fear of the consequences I may have to face, that the next one could be me, and made myself confused about what would be the best way to support him, if any

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to save another that I did not support when I had a chance, believing that it is my responsibility to save others, instead of seeing I couldn't even if I wanted to because this is a process each one of us has to board on their own self will, but I can keep breathing and see if I find a way to let him have this material reconciling this point with what is best for me and best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in such a world where violence against children is accepted and supported and where Children Have No Consideration or guidance about how to develop into effective human beings and we turn out into monster, exponentially worse than our parents and the lineage we come from, as we keep compounding and diminishing ourselves into nothingness searching for Life in separation from ourselves as Life, here in every moment of Breath.

I commit myself to erase my existence of violence, of justifications of violence, of memories of violence and imprints of violence as I no longer support or justify violence as me, as past, present or future, or any self abuse that is rooted in violence and judgements of myself and others as violence.

I commit myself to stop the violence of me as The World, One and Equal by clearing myself of any reaction toward violence, walking my self correction of and as a violence free world into existence as Me, as Life, One and Equal.

Day 39: The Courage to Live

Yesterday Creation's Journey to Life Blog was about 'The Courage to Live'.

As it has happened to me in the past weeks, some of  'Creation's Blogs' build up like Opera inside of me, to an escalating point, and like the Opera, they always lead to tears.

Mostly they show me where and how I have not been on this planet at all, how I have managed to 'walk like an Egyptian' through existence, turning both cheeks whenever necessary because I lacked 'the Courage to Live'.

I am not faulting myself or others for this, we had no examples of what 'living' meant for real and how we could work toward that, yet, the simple realization that I have lacked the courage to Live and that I have used the word Courage in separation from me to express ludicrous Acts of Evil, like Courageous Acts of Wars or martyrdom or being eaten by lions as Courage, brought me to tears.

Yet with a bit of common sense I could have seen that the Courage to do as you are told, like going to war or being eaten by lions for an ideal that was never ours but implanted is not Courage but submission, martyrdom is just another act of submission to the religious system, self flagellation is an act of submission and fear, mostly all the acts of Courage I have valued and connected to the word 'Courage' were in facts acts of Fear, as martyrs saw their sacrifice as a chance to get good grades and into Heaven in Fear of the Afterlife, and acts like self flagellation were the self punishment to get ahead of the game in fear of Hell, being eaten by lions, well, this was in fact not a choice since it seems that after the Romans we have not kept up the practice to show our Courage, so going into an Arena to be eaten by lions was like war, something we were told we had to do, it was that or death, stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Yet, the biggest Courage I have had to summon in my life was to stand up in and as self correction in and as the Mind, when I realized I was in fact a living example of Self Abuse, and as I had already worked out that We are the Creator of Our Own reality, I had to wonder, where was my Self Abuse going if not into the manifestations of the Abuses of the World ?

How is it possible to BeLieve that we create the good only, just because We Want It ? Then WHO is creating the ugliness of the world ? This is a point worth investigating, because it's not What We Do that determines who we are, it's Who We Are that determines What We Do.

"I commit myself to be Courageous in challenging with Common Sense every point where abuse of Life has become the justified way of Life of the human race.

I commit myself to the Courage to Live.'

These were the sentences that yesterday drove me to tears, the first one because I realized how little common sense I have applied in my Life regarding the point of questioning the Abuses of this world and how much I did to not want to look at what was going on, and the second for it's simplicity, a commitment to the Courage to Live, that is no small feat since I realized that I am not Alive Yet and I never was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it takes courage to die, when in fact it takes courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Living and for hiding in and as The Mind throughout my life without ever giving myself a chance to experience Life in the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Courage is shown in the face of Fear, which disqualifies me from having ever been courageous having always Feared living and not having stood up for and as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Brave Ones are the ones that dare to do what I don't dare to do, like dying, because I feared dying and no longer existing and yet I feared living and having to make the Decision of Who I Am and Who I Want to Be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave back doors for myself from which I believe I may one day escape Process instead of seeing I have stood up for Life and there is no going back and leaving backdoors only shows my half assed commitment because I have never committed full heartedly to anything because I lacked the Courage to do so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that going to the Army and to War, dying for God and What You Believe in, and displaying a carelessness for Life vs ideas, opinions and beliefs was an act of Courage instead of seeing, it takes Courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sleeping my afternoons away or not engaging fully in Life is a treat, instead of seeing this is my way of showing that I rather not be Here and face myself full time until I can stand up and Live but fade away into spaces of oblivion that I use to re-ward myself for having done something that I am supposed to do like writing my daily Blog

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress judgements about myself that led me to laziness instead of looking for the starting point of my judgements so I may release them and become more effective at my daily participation of myself in and self correction to stand up as Life for Life, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life as who I am and what I have become, because it looks like such a monumental task to deconstruct myself as the busy bee that I have been into building up all my honey cells in which I could imprison myself so I would not have to stand up and commit myself to the Courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for how I have lived and what I have become in relation to my carelessness for a world of suffering, a world that is me as All There Is and my Creation as the suppression of everything of me I have separated myself from, instead of for-giving myself step by step to release myself and others from my participation in and as The Mind which is a monstrosity of backchats and polarities that I have allowed myself to accumulate to the point that I believe I lack the courage to face it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Living is a burden and that I wished to not be alive because I never understood what was the purpose of this mockery of life we call existence until I met Desteni and then it took me months to build up the courage to create enough capacity inside of me to be able to grasp how it is that we exist as we exist and what is required from each one of us to be done to change ourselves and the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don't have the courage to read Heaven's Blogs because I feel so disheartened by both the amount of information and the implications of what this existence really means and what we have done through eons of time to build up this shithole called existence in which we now find ourselves as the Manifested Consequence of our separation from Life, Oneness and Equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may lack the Courage to look at reality and what we have created without wanting to just kill myself and be done with it all because it's too big and convoluted and how are we gonna get out of this is still unknown to me, instead of seeing I have had other points I lacked the capacity to take on board at the beginning, like Veno's Structural Resonance explanation, but now that I am on lesson 10 of my DIP and I went back to the Resonance Information, I am not as scared and I have in fact created capacity inside of me through Self Forgiveness to be able to see and take on more responsibility for Creation and my part in it, so I have to accept it's a process, and processes don't have quantum leaps, unless they are delusions of the Mind, as this process has to be walked backward in time, until I will see how I have created myself into this point of extensive all encompassing separation and one point of separation at the time I am able to Self Correct through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective application while I keep walking to Birth myself as Life into the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life to the point that  created fake personalities to pretend to live and never be bothered by the question 'is this Life' because my personalities were created around the ideas and beliefs I made up about what living is and my acceptance and allowance that I better accept things as they are and make the most of it or I would just destroy myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that when I feared destroying myself I feared the end of the existence of me as the Mind Consciousness System to which I gave up my power to be the Self Directive Principle of my Life because I embraced the idea that I had a path laid out for me, which was nothing else than my preprogrammed life in which I walked into without asking questions, given that my preprogrammed life was not as bad as the life of some others on the planet and I could 'live' with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel victimized by this Creation when I saw the extent to which this Mind enslavement has taken us and theTraps we have walked into that I have accepted and allowed to define WHO I AM, instead of seeing I was always the only one brutalizing myself through my own participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions, the trinity of Creation of the delusions of my Mind that I then walked into physical reality, desiring to blame my life and what I accepted and allowed myself to become on others so I would not have to take self responsibility and stand up to as Life to start to Live and not to think and imagine I was living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not Brave/Courageous, because I would have NEVER died for God, instead of seeing that one point as a moment of Sanity in my Life in which I saw through the deception of existence and I rathered Live than Die for an Imaginary Heaven Abiding Hateful Spiteful Merciless Creator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my courage by my willingness to die for some 'cause' meaning be-cause someone said it would be a good idea, going to war, being a martyr or being eaten by lions, instead of realizing that Courage is not in the willingness to die but in the Self Will to Live, to stand up and stop my own existence as a robotic preprogrammed unit of self destruction and destruction, accepting that I do have the power to change and that since I have just lived out programs, that I have written myself through my acceptances and allowances of my de-finitions of ME, about who I was, it will be a matter of deleting these programs through self-forgiveness and rewriting me, having the Courage to rewrite myself on the nothingness I am aiming for so that I can become Self Honesty and build myself as Self Trust and Self Worth and become the foundation in and as the new world that I wish to be and be a part of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what B. writes, because we started with a 7 year project, that became 14 and now we are at 28 years to change the world, and I fear if I keep reading we'll get to 56 and then 112 as it seems to go up exponentially and I fear I may not have the courage to participate in a project that is like planting a Date Tree for which who plants it will never see the bearing of the fruits, instead of seeing I don't need the courage to project myself to the end of this project, but just the Courage to stand up Daily, like they say at the AA meetings, because I am an energy junkie in recovery, one day at the time will do, one step at the time will do, One Breath at the time will build up Breaths that I have spent and invested in Life and Breaths count and if they won't count for me they will count for those that come after me, as me, One and Equal, to no longer have to live in and as a Debt System, but be liberated and have a chance to be born free in a world of support for All, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I may lack the Courage to Live, because I never lived and I am not even sure if I need Courage to Live or I need courage to stop pretending to be Alive according to my idea and beliefs and opinions of what being alive is, so I can Live

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of living and desire to just sleep as a treat, in which I accept and allow myself to believe that sleeping is in fact better than living because I am NOT Here, and I don't have to face the truckload of shit I have accumulated and called my Human Experience because I fear the judgement of how much I have to clear due to my own self judgement of how much I have fucked up, so I stop myself from judging my fuck ups as more than others, in a slimy attempt to find worth and moreness in the negative side, having failed at the positive side, and accept that we are in fact All Equally fucked in and as the Mind, no one is special even in the fuckedupness, so I can see and realize that my walk is no different from the walk of others out of a Human Experience as a system of abuse and I no longer want to live in and as that, and that Courage is in Breathing, Here, and so I bring myself back  HERE consistently, I will myself back here as the Self Directive Principle of me and no longer as a Puppet of Energy and the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into autopilot of the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions, I stop,  Breathe, remind myself, autopilot is a design of Fear, and fear doesn't make good designs nor designs that are based on What is Best for All or what is Best for me and that I have decided to stop my abdication of Self Responsibility to Autopilot and get back at the helm of my life and that I have to accept that sometime I may catch myself already into autopilot but the Breathing will disengage me and bring me back Here to live as the Self Directive Principle of my Life, where I can embrace myself wherever I am and stand up in and as Courage to start living and standing in and as Life, Equal and One.

I commit myself to be Courageous in challenging with Common Sense every point where abuse of Life has become the justified way of Life of the human race.

I commit myself to the Courage to Live.'