Day 266: Anxiety - Byproduct of Expecting the Worse

Anxiety plagued my family.

All of us apparently resolved it in 'their own way' which is of course the same way, just through different means: food, alcohol or pot - or fighting with each other, as a release outlet.

For a few days I did not hear from my mother, this in itself for me is an anxiety trigger because when I was a kid I would be kept deliberately in this 'suspended animated' state to build up anxiety until I apologized either for something I did or for something someone imagined I did.

If I go back to those moments I can still find that specific anger and hatred that I felt as a result of either the confinement and ostracizing or my own admissions of failure to just keep the peace, find the peace in the family again.

So, yesterday I took the excuse of Valentine's day to call my mother and 'check her mood' to see if I was supposed to move into the anxiety state further or if I could release myself from it.

Within this particular relationship I have not deeply resolved the hatred, it's there, I can still blame my mum for holding me prisoner of her moods, when in fact I just feel hatred for myself and for never having stepped out of this self created control as 'the mood of another' in relation to myself or how I imagine it related to myself.

So as I watched myself yesterday I saw how this experience of myself has steps and they are

anxiety

suppression

pretending I am not suppressing it

distracting myself -this in the past would be the moment of smoking pot-

back to anxiety

into my mind to seek solutions to see how I can tackle whatever reason my mother has to hold me accountable for her mood

deliberately not noticing how I hold her accountable for my mood of anxiety

lookig at all sides of the problem through my Imagination to establish what is it that someone will say so I can prepare my defence and not be taken by surprise

build myself up into a state

hatred

self hatred

bigger hatred directed outward because I hate myself and this is someone else doing, why did they start this bullshit at all?

suppression

denial

distraction -now manifested with calling a friend and downplaying the event as 'silly' as me 'above it'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of constant anxiety when something seems 'wrong' with my mother



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of moments in which I perceived an injustice was done to me that I took personally and not as the symptom of a problem with someone else when I was a kid, for which I accepted the blame and then felt hatred and believed that hatred to be real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for the hatred I believed I felt for my mother as I blamed her for the experience of anxiety within me, without seeing realizing and understanding that this experience was the sum of my energetic participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions that I believed to be me as I took on my family patterns of how to respond to external prompting and accepted and allowed myself to be triggered onto an emotional roller coaster as it was expected of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to feel bad when my mother went into one of her moods, because when I didn't and laughed about it, the punishment either physical or emotional would be harsher and I feared having to face punishment more than inflicting self harm on myself as a way to show that I understood my wrong doing and that I had to repent through feeling bad, anxious and disconnected from the family

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my mother because I interpreted her behavior as cruel and deliberate instead of seeing and realizing she was not in control of herself and she was passing on what she herself had been subjected to within my family that she blamed for her experience of anxiety and of herself, just as I did once I started to grow up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into 'expecting the worse' as a way to be prepared, ready, to know how I was supposed to respond not to be caught by surprise as I experienced 'surprise' as a moment of vulnerability in which it was easier for me to feel destabilized and for developing a desire to always control every possible outcome so I could control how I reacted and perceived myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the anxiety raised, look for ways to suppress it and then deny it because I no longer have what I associated to be 'my anxiety solving tools' such as pot and hence I now fear anxiety even more than before and instead of writing myself out to address this anxiety and my fear of anxiety I have sought new ways to suppress it and belittle it by talking to a friend in an attempt to deny and diminish the experience I am living as myself and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worse and all possible outcomes in terms of words, tracing back every word I spoke, everything I did that could justify a possible attack from another for which I must ready myself,as a consequence of believing that, since those things happened in my family, they will happen always, everywhere and I must be ready at all time, ending up living in a constant fight or flight response mode

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the topic of anxiety for me is too big to address and to allow myself to stop writing and get distracted by something else, instead of pushing through what is it that I experience in detail, so I can see how this way of living has become me, how my chest is always constricted, how I always hold my breath unless I come back to the physical and I don't want to live this way anymore and for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of anxiety as who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe everyone experiences anxiety just because it was the trademark of my family and I saw my mother on medications for it, instead of seeing and realizing that while behavioral information are passed on from generation to generation, I had to accept and allow myself to believe that this was who I am to activate the whole program of anxiety as who I am and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anxiety is who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I perceive myself escalating into anxiety due to a standstill with my mother, to move into blame and rage, believing it's all her fault 'if I turned out this way' because if she was not so fucked up I wouldn't be either, instead of seeing and realizing that it is in this blame that I give up my power to change, because if it is her fault, then there is nothing 'I' Can do while if it is my response -ability I can change, no matter what programming was passed on to me I can decide to no longer subject myself to it through breathing and consistently bringing myself back here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was nothing I could do and for fearing that what my mother was as an anxiety machine I was destined to become and for the fear I lived believing there was no escape for me from madness and instability, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it was my duty as a 'loving daughter' to worry about my mother's moods, as she did about her mother's moods, always weighting words for their potential of disapproval, instead of seeing and realizing that this was part of the preprogramming families inprint on their children to make sure they will follow in their footsteps, using Love as the propeller that justifies abuse and designs how children will handle and deal with the abuse to make the family always right, never questioned so we learn how to then step into the system with the same defied attitude and just accept everything as 'the way things are''

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could never change this point of anxiety, because it is just the way things are, it is who I am, failing to see that my acceptance and allowance of myself 'just the way I am' is the same acceptance of this system just the way it is, which is in fact unacceptable and so is accepting to live a life of anxiety as a way to always expect the worse and for living always expecting the worse and preparing for 'imaginary battles', I forgive myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself starting to constrict in the chest, to stop and breathe, check where is my anxiety and how did I activate it and then walk backward out of it breath by breath

I commit myself to investigate this point of anxiety until I no longer live anxiety one and equal to me, as I consistently do not accept anxiety as who I am a the way things are

I commit myself to not fear letting go of anxiety as if I was losing something just because I lives AS anxiety most of my life and instead breathe myself back to life, one breathe at the time until I am consistently here, stable in and as breath

Related articles

• Day 256: The Experience of Others -My Responsibility?
• Day 259: Families, the System Bodyguards
• Unconditional Giving and Receiving or a Control System? (Part 2) - Day 270

Day 249: From MentaLot to Camelot - Schizophrenic Humanity

Have been experiencing anxiety anticipating the lady I saw everyday for massage and what she would come up with as her mind circles aimlessly looking for things to worry about, complain about and be unhappy about.

She would be the opposition to the 'Feel Good Movement' her life is all about feeling bad and she is basically a suppressed raging schizophrenic -on medication.

So working for a couple of hours everyday on her was an interesting window into human mind and what goes on there when unchecked and undirected -scary shit to say the least.

It doesn't matter what we think we are, there is the unfortunate Truth of Who and What we have become that needs addressing, our seemingly 'good intentions' are mere investments, our desire to take others down so we get to feel better about ourselves takes many ways, shapes and forms but is undeniably there and our ability to switch personalities is our biggest weapon, we move from one to another until we find the one that has the highest consent, approval and agreement.

We fear externalizing the conflict we feel inside, we are schizophrenic who just manage better than those on medication, we are just more skilled in the personality switch, this is why we are stuck on this planet together, the ones on medication and the ones who are not, like me.

I spent 2 days with my mum which started with conflict, first the resentment of my perception that she comes and goes as she pleases because this is 'her house' and I have no saying or freedom about it, then there was the point of having a Political disagreement about who to vote next, when I felt irritated and anxious when she told me the one I want to vote is crazy -because he screams that we can't go on this way and it's time to change and put new people in parliament - which gave birth to the backchat 'you don't know shit and you deserve this fucking government we have that steals from your pocket and keeps reshuffling the same thieves over and over- and then the point of walking home with one of my students and I can't even hear what he is saying because I am sifting through his words looking for my positive feedback, the point that I'm the best teacher, which he had said at my first lesson and I had magnanimously dismissed by saying 'no, all teacher are good' but secretly gloated for my winner position after just one lesson, proving that I still spend most of my time in the Menta-Lot of my Mind, where there is no round table where everyone sits with Equal Value and Equal Rights because I am too busy winning or seeking approval for myself.

Will walk in the next posts each point in detail, because Camelot and the round table will have to be established first within and as me, where the Value of All is returned to Equality and the Rights of All to the Equal Rights of what I would like for myself.

Join us at Desteni to walk out of the MentaLot we live in and as, as The Mind, to allow a world of Equals to manifest as Our Creation, mirroring the return to Oneness of Each Self on Earth from the fragmented existence we ended up living and believing to be 'what Life is All about'.

Related articles

• Day 196: Italy - The Evil Society of Inequality
• Day 248: Moving Beyond Duality - Imagination vs Reality - Fear vs Desteni
• Day 249: Learned Helplessness Character: The Power to not Give a Shit
• Poverty due to Humans' Ignorance Will End in an Equal Money Capitalism - Day 282
• Day 259: Give Happiness, Get Happiness
• Day 282: Can Human Nature Change?

Day 197: Evil in Childhood - Under-Standing Money

Much of the current system and its rules has been taught to us. Deliberately.

We were not born with the understanding of how things worked, so we can say that the limitations we carry that had us believe that this system is what we have to accept (and allow) came from our FamiLies.

When I was a kid as I said before, I had access to Money that I could keep all to myself, since I did not have to 'declare' it, I did not have to share it either, in fact I had the excuse that since I was asked by my grandparents to 'not tell' I shouldn't or I would be a traitor.

When I looked into how I started to understand Money, a memory popped up of once when I was given Money to go and buy something and then by mistake I threw away a banknote of 10.000 Liras, the equivalent of 5 euros today. Over forty years ago it was a relevant sum.

My mum was very upset when I got home, she asked me to please remember where I had lost it, even though I could somehow recall making a ball with it with other papers and just throwing it away, which I couldn't bring myself to say, instead I said I lost it because if I said 'I believe I threw it away' I didn't know what I would have had to face. 

She asked me to go out and walk my path backward and look for it, money doesn't grow on trees, and to hope noone found it before me.

I remember walking out of our home and going on this errand in a frenzy and in a state of utter anxiety, I was very upset for disappointing my mum too and I feared that if I would not find this money something would change forever in my home. I had no clue where I could have possibly thrown it away -if I had done that-, so I replayed in my mind everything I did, including the trashcans where I may have put it with other papers. 

I don't even remember if I found it or not, it would be more likely Not than yes as I have not registered a change in this event but the basic raw anxiety that went with it..

When my mum talked about Money it was always in the contest of making me aware of its value 'you know how much that costs?' 'you know how much I spent for this/that ?' and the message, always loaded with FEAR, was that I should learn to respect Money, not just as a tool for exchange, but as something limited in its very nature and its access, a reality that families like mine, with a single working parent, would have to face.

On the other extreme of my family there were my grandparents, the ones who had a nice home and a wealthy lifestyle that included travelling. My grandmother was a big spender and a big tipper, she enjoyed the gratefulness and the respect she could buy with tipping, the title of 'generosity' which was only for herself and could only be given by strangers, maids, taxi drivers, the caretaker. Once when my mum asked her a loan, she said NO. My mother gratefulness was not valuable enough.

So I under-stood Money as way of/to life more than a mean for exchange, money was clearly a power tool, it was desired, desirable and who held it got respect. Who didn't had to suck it up.

Two days ago I was supposed to go to the bank to deposit some cash, I had taken the money with me inside an envelope in my gym bag, when I arrived home, in a rush, I attached the gym bag to a chair in the kitchen and threw my jacket over it and forgot about it.

Yesterday when I got up and remembered I had been unable to deposit that money the day before, I looked for my Gym bag and couldn't find it. After looking in all the obvious places and not finding it I immediately went into a state of anxiety at the thought I had lost that Money and I would not be in a position to make it up again and then went into a backward trip in my mind trying to trace my steps and whereabouts to pinpoint where I could have possibly lost it, thinking how stupid I was for going around with cash in an envelope inside a gym bag, remembering all the things I lost in my life when I was a pot smoker and always living on a cloud.

I con-vinced myself I had lost the bag and then another image came up of 'how would I tell my mother', as if this was any of her business, but it seems to be because the little money I have left in the bank she gave it to me, so it's like a loan, and not mine, it seems money is never ours unless we earned it, which is one of the reasons why as I exist within this belief I stand as well in the way of an Equal Money System, because I myself don't believe anyone is entitled to money they have not earned, funny because if this was true, what about the Elite that has never done a day of work? They seem entitled to it, I believed they were.

Many things to realign to get out of the way and stand one and equal to the Money System as myself to redirect it as me to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Money has to be respected because money holds the power of granting peace of mind or hell in its absence to anyone a will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into experiences of anxiety and fear and for existing as an experience of anxiety and fear related to Money since I was a kid because my mum feared and had anxiety over money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am separate from money and the money system when in fact everything exists made out of the same substance whatever form it took in this physical life experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself differently when I have money and when I don't have money all the way through experiencing myself differently even when I just 'think or believe' that I don't have money vs having money, such as I experienced yesterday when for 5 minutes I believed I had lost the money I was supposed to deposit at the bank

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to both having money, in fear of losing it, and not having money in fear of survival, polarizing both my experiences of myself within and as money and causing separation through my experience between money as me and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and think 'I am stupid' because I believed I had lost the money I was supposed to deposit and I immediately moved into scanning memories of the past of when I had previously judged myself as lightheaded and dumb for losing things due to the fact of not being here but away on mind trips, that I used to disconnect from the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what would happen to me if I had lost that money and to feel the dread of the loss of an amount I was counting on because I have accepted and allowed myself to move out of the world system and the money making machine and within this I forgive myself that I have been so angry at myself for the wrong money choices I made and money I wasted that I could now have used to support myself in a more dignified way and to support what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the moment in which 'I would have to tell my mum' sending myself on a time machine, back to Kid-dom and that moment in which I lost money and then I had to face the consequence of the damage I perceived I did to my family in my irresponsibility of not giving money Enough Importance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to how I have defined the moment I am living in relation to money as 'hopeless', imagine all the negative consequences of losing money as something irreplaceable in my current situation, scaring myself to the point that my body tightened up and I felt a ball of anxiety in my chest and heat and tightening and panic and for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a physical consequence and discomfort to myself as my physical body I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money cannot be owned unless it is earned, and since the money I have has been given to me by my mum, I live in a state of mental debt due to Money, accepting and allowing myself to feel indebted to my mum, to feel that the money I have is not mine, that my life that I have is owned and tied into money and the money system in separation of myself and that now it belongs to my creditor as my mother and within this I forgive myself for holding such belief that stands in the way of a world where no one will have to earn a living, or owe their living to someone else, because we are alive and the living is granted and the money system will have to realign to this truth of Equality and Oneness and a granted life to all as I realign to my own right to life beyond having to buy out or owe this right to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the political scene, giving up on it many years ago within the belief that nothing changes, nothing can be changed, when in fact the change can take place within a system as a mirror when the parts reflecting in it change and realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened by lack of money, by not having yet found a way to support myself consistently within this system, by believing that there is no support in this system, when system support starts with me supporting myself to move out of the Mind consistently, refusing to participate in the creation of further separation of myself with everything that exists and so

I commit myself to support myself to stop my existence as Standing-Under Money as the Ruler of this existence and to step by step, breath by breath, equalize myself to this system, Money and Existence as the Directive principle of how things must change and become in realignment to Oneness and Equality for a world that is Best for All

Related articles

• 209. Successful Living = Capitalist Brainwash
• Day 75 - The Ultimate Root of All Evil - FamiLIES

Day 165: Deleting the Dopey Bride in Me

This Blog is Private

It is posted on the Desteni Forums on the thread Eleonora's Journey to Life

Day 132 - For-Giving the Desteni Character

Fear

Thought

Imagination

Backchat

Reactions

Physical

Consequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Desteni Message, because this message implies Self responsibility and I fear having to become Self responsible for myself and the World, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to superimpose my previous knowledge and information about Doomsday, Reward and Punishment, onto the Desteni information within an attempt to decode what the message was about, in fear that I would not be able to understand it, unless I interpreted it through everything I knew and believed to be The Truth prior to joining Desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dropping my knowledge and information and stand in and as Breath to HERE/HEAR the Desteni message because I believed that unless I decoded it through prior knowledge and information, I could not understand it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death and the Afterlife and for believing that since there has been a change in the Hierarchy of Heaven, I better side up with the ones who hold the key to the New AfterLife System so I would, as Marlen said, get VIP tickets for the AfterLife

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk this process for one year in utter Fear and Petrification because that was preferable to having to deal with this fear that I have of still existing after death and having to spend time with myself through eternity as a stranger that I fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that, if I would stop and get rid of this Fear, I would just say goodbye to Process because it's fear that has kept me moving and I have not yet established myself to move as a self directive principle in any way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't get off Process because I have nowhere to go but Here, which is a place I am not yet experiencing in and as Breath but in and as Fear and thus, unpleasant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own definition of Process as a boring place where people are doing nothing else but forgiving themselves for their imaginary faults, as I still relate forgiveness to wrongdoings because I was born a Catholic and I have allowed and accepted myself to carry the shame and guilt loaded point of forgiveness as I under-stood it as a kid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am still missing the forgiving point as I don't stand Equal to my Forgiveness yet but under-stand my Forgiveness and while I have experienced energetic release I still have to drag myself everyday through this process due to my own definition of Forgiveness and 'Process'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand One and Equal to For-Giveness as Me giving back to me, as in Earthing the energies that I invested into Characters that I played throughout my Life, to give back, to for-give, the resources that I have taken in this journey of Lies in Self Interest for the purpose of experiencing myself as energy instead of being Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that Breath is not enough, that there should be something more, better, more exciting, failing to see that I have just bought into 'ideas' that were sold to us about Life and what Life should be vs what Life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear that if I did not join Process something terrible would happen to me, proving that I have joined this Process in and as Fear and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't even know what I am doing or attempting to do with and through this process because I have taken process to be a Task, and as a Task is lacking 'directions', instead than a Change that I have to become to reflect my Self Correction as Oneness and Equality for What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I skip one day of writing something bad will happen to me, instead of seeing Writing as the Self Support that I give to myself every day to not accumulate backchat that then holds me into an ever tighter grip the day after

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't make it because I have too many years of Fake Life under my belt and that I may not have the stamina to walk backward to undo all my participation in this Lifetime in and as Energy, instead of seeing and realizing this is just another Character because once I am clear that there is nowhere to go but ahead this can only be the Self Sabotage Character that I try to play so I can justify why I don't want to walk to give up all of myself and for this I forgive myself

Thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about process and to tell myself that this is alright 'because I'm just thinking about process' even though I am clear on the point that I won't be able to get out of this mess Inward and Outward through Thinking, no matter how worthy of being thought my thoughts are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not a robot, because I dislike the idea of being a Robot as I feel diminished every time I associate myself with the word 'Robot', as I have associated Robots with Non Life while I believed to be alive and I do not want to face the point that I am not alive yet and I won't be until I am the willing Prey of the Mind/Consciousness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the word 'destonian' is stupid, as it is so obvious there should have been an 'e' there as Destenian, just because I dislike 'O's in the middle of name, having my name 2 'O's which I have associated with Masculine as all Italian masculine singular words end in 'O' and so I resented for many years my name with 2 masculine vowels when I am a woman and should have been given the 'a' and 'e' and then for creating this disliking for 'O's in the centre of names which is one of the reason why I think that I dislike this name

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, due to my own definition of the word Destonian as separation since not everyone is a Destonian while I am just starting to grasp that we are equal and then I have to deal with a new label and I think this is irritating and Elitist and I don't want to be a part of that, maybe if they were Destenians who knows, I wouldn't have had such a mind tantrum but for now I think I don't want to be a part of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when I get on the Forum and see the thread Ask a Destonian, that they are asking someone else, and not me, as that label doesn't identify me and so when I read the Forum I read it to see the answers of Destonians, never to reply as I think I am not one of 'these' and so it doesn't apply to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think up a new definition of myself and other Destonians as Desteni People, as I think and believe I don't like this name to use even for other Destonians, as it looks silly and sounds silly with the 'O', which seems to be a big deal only when I think about it as I see now that I write that it is not important how others see me as a Destonian with an 'O' or with an 'e' since it is about the message and not about Desteni at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I fear what others think of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'this name looks silly, sounds silly' when I read the name Destonian for the first time and forever after and within this I forgive myself for judging words and names as silly just because of my personal preference and likes/dislikes of a vowel over another in this particular example as I see realize and understand that it has nothing to do with this name but everything to do with me and how I experienced myself stuck with 2 'O's in my name being born a woman in a gender sensitive country, perceiving myself as diminished as a woman and pushed through the thin line of maledom just by 2 simple meaningless circles

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'enough already with this depressing Consciousness talk', let's talk about something else, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that we cannot talk about something else until Consciousness is All We Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there must be some shortcuts out of this, what the fuck, 7 years to nothingness, plus 7 years to rewrite ourselves as Oneness and Equality plus another 7 years for the Equal Money System to become manifested, while I am in a rush to get to Life, even though I don't even know what that means, I just want this to be over as all Tasks have a dead line and this seems way too long

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about this process in terms of Time, as that there is a specific Time that must go by and that it takes Time which then leads me to feel impatient, because I don't have Time, Time is Money, I want to use my Time doing something else, instead of realizing I am doing Time as I write, because Earth is The Correction Facility of the Universe for those that abused Life for Self Interest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'come on people, can we spend 28 years doing THIS', as in Process, as in Self forgiving our very Life as we live it, instead of seeing and realizing we are keeping forgiving ourselves because we are not stopping the abuse yet and we'll have to do that until we in fact STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'isn't this a bit far fetched that we should be doing this and tell others we are changing the world, where no evidence of this change is manifested outward in fact?" instead of seeing and realizing that this is the Question to ask myself as we won't see any change until We Change, which means, I/We have Not Changed yet At All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is No way that I can explain Self Forgiveness in Italian bypassing the Atonement, Shame and Guilt that results from speaking and hearing this word, instead of seeing and realizing that it is me still reacting to this word in Italian as something that is connected to guilt and shame and atonement, and that for-giving ourselves will be loaded with shame and guilt until we do not have a Secret Agenda for-giving, such as Atonement for 'feeling good' purposes, but we will unconditionally For-give ourselves as the New System that we are Creating and manifesting One and Equal to Us to For-Give everyone One and Equal, which will manifest a system of For-Giveness such as the Equal Money System

Imagination

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Imagine how shameful it would be if we won't make it and I will have to stand facing my delusion of Our Ability to Change the System, instead of realizing that this shows me that I still fear and see the System as something separate from me and because I cannot see how such a small group of people can impact the external system as a separate system I move into the paranoid state that I may be delusional and that I may have boarded just about another train to Nothingness, where the group may be disbanded in a few years and just say 'sorry we were too ambitious and did not see clearly our limitations' and I will be left with nowhere to go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the worst, as a habit that I took on when I decided that imagining the best leads always to disappointments, and so in fear of being disappointed I imagine the worst and fill my Time with 'what ifs'' that show me that I'm just undertaking an impossible task and I have moved from the Love and Light delusion to the Desteni delusion

Backchat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchats regarding process and the interviews I listen to, in which I try to make up opinions about what is being said that I can turn into my advantage as knowledge and information, instead of just stopping consistently my participation in backchat as part of My Commitment to Life and to Changing Myself to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my backchat about how I will never stick to anything for 7 years and why am I even trying, because the longest thing I stuck to was my marriage and that was a lot of grief and I can't see myself going through so much grief again for 7 long years

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my backchat about what can I expect out of this process, as the milder version of 'What's in it for me' in which I look for something, anything that could motivate me for such a length of time as the carrot to dangle in front of myself and within this accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not and will not be able to be the directive principle of me motivating myself without the need or desire for Energetic feedback, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the backchat that asks what can we do to make money as a group, without seeing and realizing that I am still backchatting myself with the purpose to self sabotage myself, because I know I cannot see solutions for money making as a group as I approach this point as a business and look then for business ventures that I have not been able to find yet, as every business venture related to this group would mean our self compromise while we are standing not in judgement of self compromise, as we are all compromised by our daily acceptance and allowance of this Economics system of Inequality, but as a point of no compromise for the lure of Money as Energy, which means it will take time to build a solid money base that is not Energy generated but labor generated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some backchats are in fact coming as 'ideas' to provide solutions, while in fact I have not yet had any solutions from any backchat but just troubles that I then had to live out and walk as consequences of dis-connected and dis-eased Mind's backchat designs

Reactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear when I have to explain the process of Self Forgiveness as I fear that do not have the right words to say what I want to say about it and then I end up saying something I did not mean to say just because I have not yet taken the time to look into all aspects of this Self Forgiveness for myself so I can align my words to me as process and not fear having to talk about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as anxiety every time a new tasks comes up to do in the mailing list or in the LF, as I immediately project myself into a Time Frame and how much Time it will take to get something done and then I feel anxiety and the desire to just walk away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with impatience when faced with something new to be done because I see that I don't even have enough Time to do what I have on my plate and how can I possibly take on anything else, instead of seeing noone is asked to do more than they can in self honesty, considering their life and what they have to attend to as well as a priority to build a stable life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt if and when I do not do everything that I have decided I must do everyday to be effective within process and then when I do not I react feeling like a failure because I could/should have done more but I did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt if and when I judge myself for not having done enough because I have associated process with Schindler's List and US as The Saving the World A-Team, and so every minute wasted is another Life that could have been saved from the Holocaust of the Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that I am creating such pressure for myself that I have turned this process into Agony and my walk into the Passion of Christ, where if possible I experience myself worse than before starting Process which could be a sign that I am doing something wrong, such as Not Stopping my participation in and as the Mind for One

Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a physical tightening in the solar plexus every time something about process comes up, as I have built so much bullshit about it that I dread even the word as the trial I put myself through every day, which is so far away from Self Forgiveness I should have got the hint and corrected myself and my approach to process, as just a system that has been written to support us with guidelines about How to Walk effectively Out of The Mind and into the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the Physical to such an extent that I seldom get what my body is going through as I lose myself into the Mind "Thinking" about what my body is going through, instead of being Here with and as my Body so I can get the straight no bullshit feedback as I walk my process as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can think about the physical and become aware through my mind about what the physical is trying to tell me, instead of moving myself back into the Physical in and as Breath and as One and Equal check what is going on as helpful Substantial feedback

Consequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live one year with a knot into my stomach as the consequence of how and why I started this process, failing to see that it is the physical that has already been paying the consequences so far, and that stopping myself as The Mind must mean that The Physical no longer suffers and that if and when I have a physical discomfort as a consequence of something I myself have set in motion, I must Stop, Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, until I, as One with the Physical, can assess which con-sequence I am walking, so I can stop creating it as this is what this process is about, it is the stopping of Consequences, as we stop the past to stop creating the future and ourselves into a Time Loop of Consequences that we can instead STOP creating as we see and investigate the origin and starting point and stand in and as The Correction that will stop the creation of Consequences we have existed in and as so far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overlook the Consequences that I am walking as I believe that if I look away they will go away, as I see realize and understand they are not going away because I am not stopping my participation in those things that are in fact creating those consequences as a result of my fears and separation and that I have to commit myself to stand consistently, slowing myself down to stop, to make sure I don't miss out on the point of what it is that we are doing, as stopping our existence in and as The Mind of Polarity/Duality as only the stepping out of our Polarity and Duality Worlds will allow us to find ourselves at the same starting point, Here, in and as The Physical, where Oneness and Equality already exists, in and as Breath, waiting for us to catch up.

Self Commitments to Follow tomorrow 

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Day 29: Desteni Process, What the FAQ !

Today I have experienced discomfort and resistance about talking about Desteni and process, it was a cool point because it came up recently with my mum discovering my blog and me feeling I have to 'explain myself' and to give justifications and 'my side of the story'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to justify myself about what I a doing with Desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to choose my words to express myself so people won't be or feel challenged within and as their belief system, as if the uncomfortable feelings of others were my problem or if what I assume about the uncomfortable feelings of others was real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others don't get the Desteni message because it's to convenient for them not to, instead of stopping my judgements about why they don't get it as any point of judgement is a point of self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not being able to get everything Desteni talks about because I enjoyed the delusion of myself as 'intelligent and clever above average' and now that some things fly over my head I feel inadequate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inadequate because I don't get all of the Desteni message, like Heaven's Blogs, because I do not allow myself to get it, in fear that I may not be able to handle the responsibility of Creation in and such detail

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inadequate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel mocked and for feeling resentment when my friends and my mother repeat 'I forgive myself' as if it was a moment of brainwashing of myself repeating Monkey statement, because I have been unable to explain the nature of Self forgiveness as a moment of self honesty and self responsibility where the blame on others for what I feel and think is projected outside of me, in and as separation from and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this 'self forgiveness' statement, due to the attachments I have placed on forgiveness as atonement that is still there and still reeks of humiliation and kneeling down, no matter what I have done until now to reconcile myself with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ridicule self forgiveness as that is like ridiculing the act of giving myself back to myself which is in fact the least ridiculous thing I have done in my life if I consider what I have been involved in, from Energy to LOA to Matrix Energetics and anything I could find to not stand up as a self responsible human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ridiculous and for fearing being ridiculous

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as ridiculous instead of seeing I was projecting outside of me in separation from me my own fear of being ridiculous

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into tension regarding sharing Desteni and having to face my own reactions about my Fears on this topic, I stop, Breathe, remind myself of Marduks' chat about process, I see that each is walking process from wherever they are and only people who resonate with my words will come around to my words, but everyone will ultimately see the point/need for self change in self honesty and will work towards this self change each one at the best of their understanding

When and as I see myself about to judge myself as ineffective in speaking what I understood about Desteni, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that it is not my job to explain Desteni to others  because when I was looking for answers I recognised the answer and some may and some may not and each one will move at their own pace into self correction toward Oneness and Equality

I commit myself to walk my path of self correction and stand as an example of what Real Benevolence and What is Best for All really is, to give as I would like to receive, so that I will no longer need to explain process but me as process will become the living words that speak what this process is all about, and the difference between what is Consciousness and What is Life, One and Equal with everything that exists.

Day 28: Hosting Friends and Hang Ups

This is actually a real picture of me and a friend I had in Hong Kong, a good friend.

I mean good friend still in the sense of the ones 'that make you feel good', I was a 'feel good friend ' too, most of the time, I treasured the idea that having a Relationship, being friends with someone, is All about "Feeling Good" with Them, I have spent a Life investing in Good/Bad Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions, which means I have actually wasted my Life up to now and invested in what was not Real.

Feelings and Emotions are not Real, hence I was not Real, nor was anyone else involved with me in the same Investment Plan.

In this picture of myself I see the sadness of my eyes, it was a usual Sunday Brunch in HK, lots of drinking and lots of feeling good, meaning, lots of Self abuse through and through , to the Physical through alchol and to the Physical through the Mind as Feelings and Emotions.

Since I came back to Italy I have had some friends visiting, it was clear that they id not come to visit me but just because it was a place to stay, I happened to be here.

Tomorrow another friend is coming, she is coming specifically to visit me, she is not happening here nor will I, it's meant as a visit, which is the first novelty in my hosting, the first two were males, she will be the first girlfriend I host.

It's been a different to host males and females friends in my mind, when I had males as guests, I worried less, I feared less their judgements about how I keep the house, how I cook and how I organize things.

Tomorrow my first female friend comes, I have been anxious about getting organized, looking around for things to do with her, wanting to give her the 'perfect experience' of Italy, which is quite hard since I'm not even having it myself.

I have changed, and I fear I may not be able to relate or that I will fall back into patterns of behavior and personalities to be able to relate.

This is another point between hosting my male friends to whom I felt no need to relate, how could we ? I have never 'related' to a man even when I had male friends, understanding that they are just 'different', I have a belief that men are 'less demanding' based on assumptions in my mind, ideas and memories of having almost never heard men complain and criticize others as much as women, but since I joined Desteni I have realized there is no difference in fact, we all share a Secret Mind, they are just less outspoken about it, maybe they even fear the judgement of their own criticising and complaining, while women got over that as the pressure cooker that is the Mind became simply uncontainable. It was actually a relief to find out men were not better or worse than women are, we are just all equally fucked in and as the Mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire friends like I used to have to share feelings and emotions as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having friends from the past visiting because I don't know if I will be tempted to walk backward or if I will be able to stand in and as the Change I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that without feelings and emotions I won't be able to enjoy myself even though I have seen that emotions and feelings as reactions were never real enjoyment but an energy game we all play and participate in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that men are easier than women, better than women until they are worse than women, instead of seeing we are Equals as Life and temporarily just in 2 different physical expressions of gender

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot nor I need to relate to a man, because they are different, instead of seeing we are Equals and possibly share the same issues from two different sides, which doesn't make them different at all, but equally fucked up in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious about hosting a friend in fear of her judgement that I don't do everything perfectly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do everything perfectly as a way to give value and worth to myself because I have separated myself from My Self as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can and must acquire Worth for myself because I am not good enough without Externally Granted Worthiness and within this I forgive myself for believing I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to prove something to somebody in my life to uphold an image of myself of the past that I no longer fit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that we may have little to say to each other just because I relate my emotional participation in and as life to communicating instead of seeing that real communication can only happen when thoughts, emotions and feelings are not involved so that the moment can truly be a moment of Self Expression here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my past participation with friends as a reactive machine, in it for my fixes of energy and not to really be and share myself with another human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past participation with friends as BAD, due to the extende of energy maniuplation that was involved as I lived in and as the Mind and not Here in and as the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I no longer know who I am because I am shedding personalities and I lack the scripts to behave in my 'usual ways' instead of seeing that today for example a friend came to visit and we had the best chat we had in many years because I was self honest and that led her to be self honest as well and we both benefited equally from the exchange, beyond energy games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without emotions and feelings my life is empty and not Real, when I can see clearly from the picture I posted that my life was empty and not real before, because I was never real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my expression to a roller coaster of emotions and feelings that run me and my words and my life, instead of standing up for myself in Self Expression to stop the bullshit called friendship limited to energy plays to uphold ideas and beliefs about our treasured personalities as Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I miss interactions with friends as the ones I had, when it is clear to me now that I have never in fact had a real interaction with anyone because to have real interactions I should have been real, and I was not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise myself for all the fakeness and bullshit I have participated in as personalities of myself as the Mind preventing myself from living and experiencing myself beyond the limiting world of emotions and feelings as energy fixes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the dis-honesty of friendship allowing myself to live a world of gossips in my secret mind about them, proving to myself and then believing that I could not be trusted which led me to not trust anyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and for believing I was not trustworthy, while I see that when I am out of the Mind I can actually move effectively to learn to trust myself Breath by Breath to build myself into a real Human Being, stopping my Pinocchio Puppet Life, where the strings that moved me were self disegned thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have embedded into my body and that ended up creating and manifesting network of systems that Moved Me instead of Me Moving Myself as the Self Directive principle of Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others as friends, by making them special to guarantee that I could have easier access to the energy fixes I craved and needed, as me, as the Mind, as Ego, instead of making the whole world my friend and a friendly place for myself and the generations to come so we may All experience Life on Earth in Oneness and Equality and stop our existence of separation in and as the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into making someone 'special', I stop, breathe, remind myself that 'special' is a way of separating the special ones from the non special, while everyone in this world is Self and worthy of Life as me in Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself move or about to move into any kind of reaction and about to speak to a friend from such reactive place, I stop, Breathe, bring myself back Here, check that I am not reacting before I express myself and only then I allow myself to speak

When and as I see myself move into Anxiety or about to move into anxiety because I have a friend visiting, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that is the anxiety of my fear of my own judgements of me as a Hostess, as I would like to be seen as perfect and faultless, I stop, remind myself that I open my home asking and expecting nothing in return, as this is what I would like to receive and I have made the decision to give as I would like to receive and so in no expectations or desires to be fulfilled, there can be no points of conflict within or without.

I commit myself to learn effective and self honest communication by breathing always before I speak, abandoning all scripts, beliefs and ideas and memories of what a friendship should be or look like, so I may see all as equals to me and deserving of what I would like to receive, self honest relationships that are not Mind and Energy based but based on the foundation of Life as Breath and What is best for All that I myself start by giving unconditionally to others.