Day 148: Stopping Self Judgement by Comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others/other things and other circumstances of my Life to work out if I am winning or losing by comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to see my worth and value through Comparison just because I have bought into what this system teaches as comparison for Value, from kindergaden up, and I have learnt to see the value of coming out 'on top'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the tension of competing as a child and for believing later that I did not like to compete, when in truth I did not like to lose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to appear 'innocent' in my comparison and competition, because the I believed the winning is better and more 'elegant when I am not blatantly flaunting what I have that I perceive to be 'more' than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having more than others in terms of anything makes me more than others in Value and Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others because apparently I already concluded I was not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I was not enough/good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as myself for not being innocent in what they do but for hiding a blatant deviousness, such as my own, the judgement of which I projected on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be innocent and for wishing others saw me as innocent because I believed I was not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'play innocent' when I had in mind something that was certainly self motivated and self benefiting that I had judged as not innocent, attempting to not be judged by others as self motivated and devious instead of seeing and realizing I had already judged myself as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my innocence back, even though I have no memories of a time in which I was in fact innocent as in beyond judgement of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own self judgement behind comparison, hoping to come out the winner and that winning could make me feel better regarding a point for which I was judging myself using sentences such as 'at least I', including 'at least I judge myself harshly'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own unresolved self judgement on others and for telling them 'I am not judging you' as an entrance line so I would then have free reign in the damage I was about to do through my words of judgement as self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the sentence 'I am not judging/ not judging you, not judging here' because I projected on these words my own judgements and the deviousness of such sentences for the purpose of not being judged for judging

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judging Feasts with others as Gossip, in which there is a Group Take down of someone so apparently the winning effect as consensus is multiplied and is justified at the same time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge what I think because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my thoughts as good and bad and now I don't want to look/own the bad ones because my own judgement of them makes me feel tense and anxious and brings up resistance in me regarding facing the 'bad' thoughts and taking responsibility for them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that the origin of my desire to smoke pot was not what was happening in the outside world around me, but what was happening in my inside world, in which I constantly judged myself for the Characters I was aware I was playing and that I struggled to keep in line, each one in their place and just coming out when I said it was their appropriate Air Time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't know how to relate to this world unless through comparison and for feeling at 'a loss' when we tried to turn EMS Wiki into pictures because I saw that I was unable to deliver one concept as Best, without the comparison to everything else as Worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a Best and a Worse, because as a kid my grandfather used to say 'it was the best in the shop' which always meant the most expensive, and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Best must Cost The Most and then apply this judgement to people and myself and when I did not manage to get 'My price' in any exchange I had with others, I would end up feeling Cheap and as such not best and by absolute comparison just worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept the point my mum tried to make when I gave up at my scientific studies at 14, by stopping to go to school, that I was competing to be the worse, while I believed she was just lost in her psycho babble with no foundation into reality, when in fact it was true, I had convinced myself that, since I could not be the best I could at least compete to be the worse and still get to win within one of the polarity plays of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter my marriage believing I did not deserve my ex husband because I believed he was better than me and for then spending years trying to take him down to my 'level' of mental depravation so that he would stop being best and could start fitting into this reality as one of us devious and manipulative creature of the world, and for many years later, after our divorce, feel a great sadness as I believed I was seeing in him the aftermath of my negative influence and the consequences of what I did, teaching him that by naming the game, as in 'Overt Manipulation', one was being honest and not hiding anything and that made 'Manipulation' OK

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself regarding my relationship with my ex husband, thinking and believing I married the best man I have met, just to turn him into a shadow of his former self due to my verbal abuse and mental disorders

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to memories that I have clearly manipulated of my 'badness' within my marriage, to prove that I was the worse, when in fact I have discovered that my ex hisband has good memories of us as well, which I did not file because they were not aligned with the Character of the worse I wished to play and beat myself up for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ' created a Monster' as my ex husband after Marriage, as I saw him change into this Manipulative and Judgemental Creature, as the carbon copy of me, as a result I believed, of having spent 7 years with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could undo what I have done to people that I believe I have influenced/hurt/damaged because I believed I had the right to say anything that crossed my mind, never taking responsibility for anything that in fact crossed to see how what I was about to say or express would support another as me, going as far as to think and say that words don't matter, that they are meaningless as I perceived words to be empty and never meaning what they were used for in the context they were use within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my words so much, that both myself and my words became empty of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my past comparing what I have been, done, said to what I see understand and realize now as my responsibility for the part I play within the world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I need to forgive myself for what has been and what I have done and the judgement of me competing to be the one that judges myself most harshly is really stupid and useless and just proves that I am still competing within judgement if not to be the best, to be the worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'no longer innocent' in comparison to an imaginary innocence that no one has ever had on the planet because living within polarity cannot be living within and as 'innocence' and so I have been judging myself comparing myself to an 'idea and ideal' of innocence that I have just made up in my Mind as a way to belittle myself and remind myself how unworthy I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as unworthy, not enough, not good enough, comparing myself to those that I saw and judged as better than me, more innocent than me, instead of seeing and realizing that Equality is the point of seeing our Equal participation in both the roles of victim and abuser and to stop our existence as both to return Here in and as Breath to walk my self correction to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop judging myself as others within comparison, either to come out the best or the worse because all comparisons and competition are a sickness of the Mind and not What is best for All as Oneness and Equality

I commit myself when and as I see myself moving toward comparison/desiring to compare and compete, to stop and Breathe, remind myself that when I am faced with this desire or habit I am still the one that decides if I participate or not and that I have chosen to no longer participate as I stop the existence of me as self Judgement/Judgement by comparison

I commit myself to when I see that I am moving toward speaking, thinking about speaking, wanting and desire to speak the sentences 'I am not judging you, him/her/them/it, here", to stop and breathe before I speak these sentences, as I have seen and realized they are the introductory red carpet to the Judge by Comparison and to breathe myself back Here until I am stable and no longer desiring to participate in judgement/self judgement by comparison

I commit myself to deconstruct my Judge Character consistently as it is a total waste of space and not in alignment to what is Best for All in Oneness and Equality.

 

Related articles

• Day 69: Perceptual Character Self Forgiveness Statements continued...
• Day 85: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 121: The Box: Judgement and Suppression
• Day 145: The Judge - Judging Myself and Others as Characters
• Day 146: Judging Myself, the Hows and Whys - Morality
• Day 147: I am Not Judging You - Bitch!

Day 99: Gossip and Back Chat Self Commitment

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the commentary in my head relative to someone I have seen, spoken to, thought about, imagined, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that a commentary in my head is not supportive to others or myself, it's not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All and it is in fact an act of self abuse and abuse, as I participate within judgement, ideas and Opinions that stand in the way of me seeing another as myself, and of stopping the separation of myself from others as an idea I have grown used to, that is not Real

When and as I see myself desiring to comment out loud., wanting to express what is going on in my Secret Mind as a way to prove that I am honest and not hiding stuff, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no way to be honest if my starting point is what has been going on in me as the Mind, that I am just desiring to move into the Gossip Character to offload my backchat and that I do not need to do so in fact, I can instead breathe until the commentary stops, apply SF in my mind if I am in no position to speak it out loud until the energetic desire to participate in gossip, under whatever name I am attempting to give it, has subsided and when I speak I make sure I am clear and only share what concerns me

When and as I see myself desiring to bond, to get close to someone, I remind myself that this is the situation in which I will move into gossiping and 'sharing secrets' and that the desire to get close to someone 'out there' is just a sign that I am not yet close to myself that in fact I desire the self honest relationship with myself that I have denied myself while I busied myself with others and their 'businesses' as a distraction in fear of what I would find if I did take the time to look into myself in self honesty and that I can reassure myself that it is only FEAR and not Real and in fact standing in the way between me and finally getting to know me, getting close to me and stopping the desire to get close to someone else 'out there' 

When and as I see myself getting lost or about to engage the commentary in my head regarding another being, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that there is no honesty in my commentary as it has been built by Characters I have been interpreting that are not Real and have nothing of value to contribute but words to make myself as a Character more than others in fear of feeling less/diminished, instead I look at my desire to engage in this behavior, look for the cause and apply self forgiveness for having accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another, which resulted in my desire to participate in the commentary that I was about to use to prove my superiority and the inferiority of another

When and as I see myself about to compare myself or inside the comparison game already, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that comparison and competition can only happen among Characters that live in Me as The Mind, as a database of experiences, ideas, beliefs and judgements is needed to be able to compare myself, instead I stop my comparison so I won't go into competition and then engage myself as the Gossip Backchat Character in the Hope to level the imaginary field I myself am creating and participating within

I commit myself to stop my existence as The Arrogant Character, to stop my participation in backchat and gossip, inward an outward, as I see realize and understand that every judgement is Self judgement and I no longer want to judge myself or others

I commit myself to consistently stop my backchats about others and when a thought arises that seems innocent, I stop, breathe, forgive my participation in such thought, keep breathing and walking until I accumulate breaths of Self correction to stop the existence of me as the Character of Arrogance, that fears diminishment while it seeks comparison just to win, fearing that the comparison is anyway going on in the minds of others, not seeing realizing and understanding that I only fear Myself as the creator of comparison and that I can stop and within this I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is useless and that it only leads to feelings of inadequacy and diminishment and to abuse as self abuse, and that a habit won't go away just because I wish it away, and so I commit myself to be diligent about keeping up the stopping, not feeding energy to this Character of Arrogance, so I may stand as the Self Directive principle of me as self correction to change myself inward and outward Equal and One

I commit myself to be patient with myself, to not judge myself to avoid denial of my Mind activities in fear of my own self judgement, instead I take myself by hand and commit to just keeping up the stopping, until the backchat and internal gossip about others stops, so I can stand clear and be an example of self honesty for myself, Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

Day 98: The Arrogant Character goes Underground as Backchat and Gossip

Having come to the conclusion that Arrogance is NOT Socially rewarded, nor was rewarded within my family unless it was called something else, like 'being the best, the most beautiful, the best dressed, the most stilish' as attributes of value, the Arrogance Character moved underground, and set up shop within The Secret Mind.

This by no means shows that it was gone, it was just hidden, entertained within the secrecy of my own Mind or with 'close' friends, other people who would have Gossips of Value to share, because like in everything there is a market Value to Gossips and Secrets, the more outrageous, the more they wished to stay Secret, the Highest their market Value.

As a result of this another Character developed, which was the 'I share All of Myself Character' which was/is as devious as all the others because by no means everything is shared, as that would put me in an undesired position of vulnerability, but the things to share would be weighted on the 'Secret Market', given a value, and used for exchanges of secrets, hopefully fishing out more interesting secrets than the Ones given up in the Trade.

The amount of backchats and comments that were and still are running in my mind about everybody is quite relevant as the Arrogant Character is always seeking for points of value in another to diminish, to level the playfield so that it would never have to feel 'less than another' while failing to see that it is because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own diminishment relative to experiences and relationships that did not come out 'Picture Perfect' as they have been defined and filed in my Mind as the desirable Standard, that this Character exists in the first place, seeking to be more in fear of being less, desiring to be special in fear of NOT being special, not wanting to be Equal because Equal stands in the way of my specialness, and then where would I get my Value from?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and deny my Arrogant Character, because I did not want to face the shame and the embarrassment I feel for what I get up to when I accept and allow myself to embody this Character, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for embodying my Arrogant Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when someone says 'you are arrogant' feeling as if I have been called out, ineffective in covering up what really goes on in My Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that it is because I fear losing my cover and being exposed that I react and not because of what someone says about me being Arrogant, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called out and exposed as 'Arrogant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disclosing this Character because, if I do, then I have to Change and lose my right to diminish others in my mind and I will then have to face all the points where I have diminished myself, made myself less, put value on things outside of myself searching for value in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Change and the loss of my privilege to secretly gossip about others in my mind and my chance to allow the commentary about everyone I approach to run unchecked, while I pretend it's not happening

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about others as a way to feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gossip and secrets as something that I could trade on the Market of Gossip and Secrets, using them as a currency to gain trust and open doors that I perceived and believed would be otherwise locked unless a trade of secrets and gossip would take place to cement a partnership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some friends are closer than others and with them it's normal and allowed to gossip, because this is what close friends do, to let each other know how special they are to each other, pretending to share everything while the only sharing that takes place is about others and their secrets and what one wants to share to uphold the Character through which the interaction is taking place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that having secrets is weird in the first place, as secrets imply that they must be stored somewhere, away from public eyes, away from my own eyes as well, sometimes, without considering that wherever I stored secrets that I loaded with guilt and shame they would be bound to fester and rot and create a Secret Mind with a life of its own, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge secrets within my secret Mind with guilt and shame and for feeling guilt and shame relative to secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that having secrets that cannot be shared means that we will never be able to trust one another, as each one will be too busy trying to work out what is the other one keeping secret and why, and that to build a different world we will have to give up all our secrets to show each other who we really are and what have accepted and allowed ourselves to become so we can stand in and as Self Correction as the Self Directive principle of Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing this point because what if someone I know will read and judge me and think 'ah, so this is what you have done the whole time, you bitch', failing to see I fear my own judgement of myself and this is why I keep this Character secret just like I keep other Characters secrets because Characters are a sign of Mental disorders I do not want to share with the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I did to others in my secret mind and with friends, they would do to me, accepting and allowing myself to live a life of paranoia, thinking 'what do they think, what will they say' allowing my fear of the judgement of others about my life to run my choices or the choices I pretended to make so I could get a favorable review for my Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why and how I started to run an internal commentary about every person I met or had an exchange with, even though the commentary was offering opinions and thoughts I was not in agreement with or I saw they were not benevolent in nature, yet I allowed and accepted myself to participate in them anyway, blaming the others for the commentary that was obviously born because they were THAT way and not as something born out of my sick mind that needs to be rooted out and rewritten to be realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than people that said 'I can keep a secret,' because I could not as I saw that secrets were currency within my Secret Mind, keys to favors and good feelings to share with others while I exposed friends and family just for the energetic charge that I would get by painting them as the vile and wrong ones while I painted myself as the good and right one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I exposed this point, it would be another layer of known 'communication skills' that I would have to give up and then I would not know what to talk about if not about others and gossips and secrets, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not giving up anything of value and this is not a SKILL but a rotting point within me that I want to let go and change as I realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other people's lives as comparison with mine to see who was living the best life, the most righteous, looking for points in which I could prove their unworthiness to cover up my own feelings of unworthiness and unrighteousness and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was unworthy and wrong/bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that gossiping is normal, that it happens behind all closed doors as I saw my grandparents do it, waiting for 'a friend' to leave their presence and then cutting them down to shreds, deluding myself that I was better than that because I would not so OBVIOUSLY do such a thing, but would go about it in a more refined way, choosing my words carefully as to not be exposed as a gossiper but as a caring worried friend that had their best outcome at heart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my words irresponsibly, carelessly, just for my own energetic rushes that would always leave me with mixed feelings as I failed to realize that every judgement is just Self judgement and that whatever I could see in another I could only see, and assume because it existed in me, as me and I preferred to point it out in them as them than facing Me, standing up in Self responsibility to Change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and events in my mind of facts that happened so I could tell 'my side of the story' which was just that, a story that I made up in alignment with the Characters I tried to protect and defend, whose existence I believed to be my own existence as me, as who I really am and for fearing losing my identity as a personality, a Character that I failed to see was never Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the gossips I spread would come up and that I would have to face my absolute lack of respect for other human beings, One and Equal to me, just to protect my own identity as The Non Gossiper, the One Above Gossiping so I could keep on Gossiping and get away with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my gossiping, the damages I created in other people's lives as in the gossiping I was exposing their Characters that I had sworn to support and uphold through the game of friendship as they swore to support and uphold mine so we could keep on pretending to be separate, and not One and Equal and stand to stop this Self destructive game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't know how to stop the gossiping because I don't know what is the right thing to say to not engage in gossip as a way to get close to someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no right thing to say, unless it is a Character looking for its script that is posing the question, and that when I will be faced with the chance, opportunity, desire to gossip I can stop, breathe and speak in the Here moment according to my Self Directive Principle of no longer participating in Gossiping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn onto the worldwide gossiping scene, through magazine and gossip news, when I tried to kick the habit, moving into gossiping about movie stars and public figures, believing that there is no harm in that since I do not know them and they do not know me, failing to see that it is not about them in any way, or about people that I do not know as in the direct damage I can cause, it is about me and who I accept and allow myself to be within the desire to diminish others and be happy about their failures just so that I can feel better about myself and my poor excuse for a life, as I switch from One Character to another while I fail to be Here in and as Breath and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to be Here in and as Breath and for not consistently remind myself to Breathe and earth myself instead of getting lost in and as The Mind and the Characters I play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself within gossiping, accepting and allowing myself to believe that some gossips are better and less harmful than others, instead of just stopping my internal commentary, breathing, reminding myself every time I see any movement or reaction or judgement about another being that it is Self in front of me and that I no longer allow myself to participate in thinking or speaking or moving in self judgement and externalized self judgement toward another as I stand in Self Correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

Tomorrow will follow with Self Corrective and Self Commitment Statements

Day 28: Hosting Friends and Hang Ups

This is actually a real picture of me and a friend I had in Hong Kong, a good friend.

I mean good friend still in the sense of the ones 'that make you feel good', I was a 'feel good friend ' too, most of the time, I treasured the idea that having a Relationship, being friends with someone, is All about "Feeling Good" with Them, I have spent a Life investing in Good/Bad Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions, which means I have actually wasted my Life up to now and invested in what was not Real.

Feelings and Emotions are not Real, hence I was not Real, nor was anyone else involved with me in the same Investment Plan.

In this picture of myself I see the sadness of my eyes, it was a usual Sunday Brunch in HK, lots of drinking and lots of feeling good, meaning, lots of Self abuse through and through , to the Physical through alchol and to the Physical through the Mind as Feelings and Emotions.

Since I came back to Italy I have had some friends visiting, it was clear that they id not come to visit me but just because it was a place to stay, I happened to be here.

Tomorrow another friend is coming, she is coming specifically to visit me, she is not happening here nor will I, it's meant as a visit, which is the first novelty in my hosting, the first two were males, she will be the first girlfriend I host.

It's been a different to host males and females friends in my mind, when I had males as guests, I worried less, I feared less their judgements about how I keep the house, how I cook and how I organize things.

Tomorrow my first female friend comes, I have been anxious about getting organized, looking around for things to do with her, wanting to give her the 'perfect experience' of Italy, which is quite hard since I'm not even having it myself.

I have changed, and I fear I may not be able to relate or that I will fall back into patterns of behavior and personalities to be able to relate.

This is another point between hosting my male friends to whom I felt no need to relate, how could we ? I have never 'related' to a man even when I had male friends, understanding that they are just 'different', I have a belief that men are 'less demanding' based on assumptions in my mind, ideas and memories of having almost never heard men complain and criticize others as much as women, but since I joined Desteni I have realized there is no difference in fact, we all share a Secret Mind, they are just less outspoken about it, maybe they even fear the judgement of their own criticising and complaining, while women got over that as the pressure cooker that is the Mind became simply uncontainable. It was actually a relief to find out men were not better or worse than women are, we are just all equally fucked in and as the Mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire friends like I used to have to share feelings and emotions as a way to feel Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having friends from the past visiting because I don't know if I will be tempted to walk backward or if I will be able to stand in and as the Change I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that without feelings and emotions I won't be able to enjoy myself even though I have seen that emotions and feelings as reactions were never real enjoyment but an energy game we all play and participate in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that men are easier than women, better than women until they are worse than women, instead of seeing we are Equals as Life and temporarily just in 2 different physical expressions of gender

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot nor I need to relate to a man, because they are different, instead of seeing we are Equals and possibly share the same issues from two different sides, which doesn't make them different at all, but equally fucked up in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious about hosting a friend in fear of her judgement that I don't do everything perfectly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do everything perfectly as a way to give value and worth to myself because I have separated myself from My Self as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can and must acquire Worth for myself because I am not good enough without Externally Granted Worthiness and within this I forgive myself for believing I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to prove something to somebody in my life to uphold an image of myself of the past that I no longer fit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that we may have little to say to each other just because I relate my emotional participation in and as life to communicating instead of seeing that real communication can only happen when thoughts, emotions and feelings are not involved so that the moment can truly be a moment of Self Expression here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my past participation with friends as a reactive machine, in it for my fixes of energy and not to really be and share myself with another human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my past participation with friends as BAD, due to the extende of energy maniuplation that was involved as I lived in and as the Mind and not Here in and as the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I no longer know who I am because I am shedding personalities and I lack the scripts to behave in my 'usual ways' instead of seeing that today for example a friend came to visit and we had the best chat we had in many years because I was self honest and that led her to be self honest as well and we both benefited equally from the exchange, beyond energy games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without emotions and feelings my life is empty and not Real, when I can see clearly from the picture I posted that my life was empty and not real before, because I was never real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my expression to a roller coaster of emotions and feelings that run me and my words and my life, instead of standing up for myself in Self Expression to stop the bullshit called friendship limited to energy plays to uphold ideas and beliefs about our treasured personalities as Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I miss interactions with friends as the ones I had, when it is clear to me now that I have never in fact had a real interaction with anyone because to have real interactions I should have been real, and I was not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despise myself for all the fakeness and bullshit I have participated in as personalities of myself as the Mind preventing myself from living and experiencing myself beyond the limiting world of emotions and feelings as energy fixes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the dis-honesty of friendship allowing myself to live a world of gossips in my secret mind about them, proving to myself and then believing that I could not be trusted which led me to not trust anyone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and for believing I was not trustworthy, while I see that when I am out of the Mind I can actually move effectively to learn to trust myself Breath by Breath to build myself into a real Human Being, stopping my Pinocchio Puppet Life, where the strings that moved me were self disegned thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have embedded into my body and that ended up creating and manifesting network of systems that Moved Me instead of Me Moving Myself as the Self Directive principle of Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others as friends, by making them special to guarantee that I could have easier access to the energy fixes I craved and needed, as me, as the Mind, as Ego, instead of making the whole world my friend and a friendly place for myself and the generations to come so we may All experience Life on Earth in Oneness and Equality and stop our existence of separation in and as the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into making someone 'special', I stop, breathe, remind myself that 'special' is a way of separating the special ones from the non special, while everyone in this world is Self and worthy of Life as me in Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself move or about to move into any kind of reaction and about to speak to a friend from such reactive place, I stop, Breathe, bring myself back Here, check that I am not reacting before I express myself and only then I allow myself to speak

When and as I see myself move into Anxiety or about to move into anxiety because I have a friend visiting, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that is the anxiety of my fear of my own judgements of me as a Hostess, as I would like to be seen as perfect and faultless, I stop, remind myself that I open my home asking and expecting nothing in return, as this is what I would like to receive and I have made the decision to give as I would like to receive and so in no expectations or desires to be fulfilled, there can be no points of conflict within or without.

I commit myself to learn effective and self honest communication by breathing always before I speak, abandoning all scripts, beliefs and ideas and memories of what a friendship should be or look like, so I may see all as equals to me and deserving of what I would like to receive, self honest relationships that are not Mind and Energy based but based on the foundation of Life as Breath and What is best for All that I myself start by giving unconditionally to others.

Day 9: Death of a friend

I had 2 experiences in my Life with the Death of a friend, 3 in fact, two were real, and one was not, for the non real one, she did die too, but just in my mind.

I had a dream about her, twice in two days, I had read the Blog on Regret , and how to let it go, or better, how to not let it go until we make sure we clear that point that prompted the regret who is actually always with us reminding us how we live, what goes on in our secret mind, prompting us to stop, while we keep going, muffling it up, putting a cushion on its head to not hear the regretful screams, I did not get it two days ago, I'm on a delayed train, I do get things, just a little slower, they have to sink in when I am not watching to understand the point with my mind, to force it down my throat in the usual act of  forcing what could be seen clearly in awareness effortlessly, I'm still a living fight with myself on my way to correction, so something must have compounded and I dreamed about the non-dead-but-Dead-to-me-One, as a clear point of suppression.

In my dreams, we were still friends, I noticed how I cherished that feeling of 'safety' of a space where I was really wanted around, appreciated, special.

I cannot recall the details but I know it has to do with regret, funny because when I read the regret script and it talked about relationships, it went over my head, my mind said, 'you don't have relationships' which is true as in 'sentimental/ romantic relationships', I don't really consider Friendships as relationships as in the context I have read, due to the way my mind translates the word in Italian, which is related more to sex, more intimate, more exclusive, instead friendships are relationships, and both are just ships one boards to deny the truth that we are alone in this journey, that we have to face the fact that until I can trust me, I will never ever be able to trust anyone, and until I stop to fear me I cant' stop fearing You.

To add some benevolence here I can say I felt less for my friends that died, they died, our friendship never imploded, it did not have time, it was not the same, they did not leave behind a gap of guilt and shame and a sense of loss, they simply died, there is no refusal in death as in life, they did not die to spite me, we spite in life as we move along our ideas of ourselves and do whatever it takes to keep them alive, to keep our sense of worth alive in separation from who we are as Life.

When the friendship with my girlfriend ended, I had a difficult time with myself, one of my primary mind relationships no longer existed and I found it hard to find a balance of me without THIS specific mind relationship that had defined ME for over 10 years, our friendship defined who I was, in her friendship I could reflect my imaginary worth as an Ego, my imaginary goodness and benevolence and she could do the same, then one day the castle of cards imploded and I was alone again, the truth is it ended when she became close to my ex husband, and I moved into jealousy as I feared he would become friend with her as he had not been with me, honest, while our marriage was based on huge dishonesty from both sides, that I shared with my friend, so the fear came as well, that my secrets would be exposed, that what I shared with her in more honesty than I reserved for anyone else, would now be an open book to my ex husband and that he would be able to flip the pages of me, and read what he had never understood and that I failed to express and explain, and this was not OK.

My friendship was based on the containment of secrets, this is why as well when I wrote her a very hurtful letter that I closed with a spiteful line to say 'you see, now I want to harm you as much as you harmed me', which is the epitome of my delusion, in fact she was the cracking point of my delusion, very specific, Because I could not believe anything I wrote to her as I saw all the underline movements of backchat that led me to that point, yet her reply was even more stunning, as I meant I had already done plenty harm with my letter, while she read it as a threat that I would expose HER to her husband. Is this because she did in fact expose me and in our spitefulness and retaliation we believe getting even is an eye for an eye ? an I for an I ? Did she think I would do that because of who I was, or because of who she was ? Or because of who we were ?

In that I saw the point that we are never friends with anyone, we are just the great pretenders and we would do anything we need to do to survive as personalities, an I for an I, there was a purpose to her friendship with my ex husband that did not include me, that made me feel pushed aside because the feeling good of each one of us is what we are really after and not the fluffy goodness we talk about, that one is fake, it's a cut throat world, and it's always been, better you down than me, she did to me what I did to others, including her husband even though i told myself I was more decent, reality is there is no decency in what we do to win a position on the planet as Egos, where if I lose I don't exist and so I win, regardless of how many deaths I live in my wake, so why do we condemn capitalism when capitalism is the Capital I through which we move and face every single thing in our world ?

I stop the Capital I to walk a process that is Best for All, the Capital I will be corrected as Me and as Me the correction will reflect back as the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in and as relationships in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the relationship of and as my mind than to myself and for looking for worth outside of myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless when my friendship with C. ended

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my behaviour due to having allowed a backchat to take the driving seat of my life as me and hurting someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can hurt someone else when I see I can only hurt myself and others can only hurt themselves within the bubble mind reality in which we have separated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I did when I was fueled and motivated by anger that I justified because of something someone did to me instead of taking responsibility for my anger, stop it and stand up to correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire we were still friends with C. because her friendship was a good mirror in my life although a delusional one, but we had managed to walk the tightrope of con-vincing each other we were good people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be good'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I felt after our friendship broke up because I would have to face my own judgement of myself to self forgive it and let it go but I rathered suppress it so I would not have to face myself and stand as the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs, alchol and food to suppress when the back chat and the consequent emotional typhoon became too much to handle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my friend raised a spoiled brat just because I imagined I would have done a better job as a mother, even though I knew I would have fucked up royally as a mother which is the reason why I did not have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friend and what I beLIEved we had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make her suffer in spitefulness because I believed she made me suffer and she had to pay for it, even though I never admitted this was the reason why I wrote such a nasty letter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that spitefulness is normal when we are faced with let downs because I embraced my culture teachings of passion and revenge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Scorpio are revengeful and since I am a Scorpio I must be revengeful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to spitefulness, manifesting spitefulness in and as the world I have created through my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself on this point about my friend, to spite and punish myself for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful for talking about my best friend with other friends after our fight so I could make it clear She drove me to this point and it was her fault and she was the one to blame, while I could see I did not want to take responsibility for what went on between us to stand up and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my friends in HK told me that it was clearly C.'s fault and they always wondered why and how I could stand that she had become close friend with my ex, because I did not stood up for her to say I was the one who encouraged it because I wanted to show that I was worldly and not petty as I really was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as spiteful and petty as bad, instead of seeing that everyone that participates in and as the mind is petty and spiteful and I'm Equal in the fuck up and I'm now equalizing myself to live in and as the correction to walk out of the Mind and birth myself in and as the physical One and Equal as Life

When and as I see myself entertaining my back chat about someone I know, I remind myself that  I no longer participate in gossip, outside with people or inside my mind, as I do what I like to receive and gossiping is not the reflection of the world of support I want to correct myself into and correct the world into One and Equal as me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spitefulness, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to participate in spitefulness of the small or the big kind and breath myself back Here until I no longer think or feel spitefulness for anything or anyone

I commit to eradicate spitefulness from my Life through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application as spitefulness drove this world to this point and spitefulness must end in all its forms to allow a world that is best for all.

I commit to stop my back chat about people in my life through writing and corrective application, until I can stand clear of any spitefulness and manifest this correction in and as the world One and Equal to me.