I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use suppression to sweep what I perceive as negative emotions/negative experience/negative perceptions of myself under a rug, separating myself from the moment in which I could instead stand up within myself and address it to a solution
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept to deal with suppressed points only when the experience becomes too uncomfortable to handle as in physical pain and within this for feeling angry and living one and equal to the anger I feel when physical pain manifests in my body as a result of my own participation in suppression and my wanting to separate from parts of myself I don't want to deal with
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at what comes up within me because I fear my own judgement of not walking process effectively, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it is in the suppression that I become ineffective and not in the unconditional acceptance of what comes up within me so I can change it and change my relatonship to it once and for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress thoughts and beliefs about myself which are not supportive such as 'I am not good enough' or 'nobody loves me' because I feared dealing with the experience they bring up inside of me that can go to anything from self loathing to bulimia and within this for not supporting myself to delete the thoughts and beliefs I have participated in because I believe they were really who I am and I was one and equal to them
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I can't still be dealing with this' attempting to put a time frame on my process and how I 'should have walked it', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one determining how I walk it and what I can take on and it is a matter of pushing my perception of the 'I can't deal with this' moments in my day until I can deal with them all equally
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated when someone tells me that 'I just have to bring it back to myself' or that 'I have not yet taken responsibility for something', blaming them for the irritation I feel instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that moment irritated at myself because the process I am to walk is clear and hearing what I have to do when I know what I have to do makes me irritated with myself for having dealt with something in suppression instead than dealing with something as the self directive principle of myself to change the relationship I had created in the past to a thought to defuse the thought of any emotional content, to empty the tought of the parts of myself I had invested into it and deleting the thought once and for all
I forgive myself that I acceptedand allowed myself to deal with relationship issues through supression because I thought 'I am not going to walk this AGAIN', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if I am walking it again, I have just timelooped into the same experience because I had not directed it from the past into the present into a solution, where I rewrote the script for myself to make sure I did not have to deal with the same stuff again but sort it out in writing and self forgiveness to prevent myself from having to live it out again in the physical to prompt myself into a correction of course
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to embrace suppression as an effective tool for dealing with my stuff as I proved through my living, my choices of drugs and mind altering substances, always in the direction of suppression, in fear that I could become like my mother and over express, over analize, becoming overwhelmingly emotional instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mum could not deal with her emotions because she didn't have the tools I have and that analizing or expressing what is really going on within me doesn't mean I will walk her same path but that I give myself a chance to not become emotional as I sort out my issues one by one at the source through directing them to a solution beyond polarity
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind rides because I never knew where I would end up instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the purpose of this process is to map my mind so as to always know where I will end if I take a specific ride, because I have identified the signs clearly and within this for accepting and allowing myself to make myself less than my mind in fear that I could not control my way through it instead of seeing realizing and understanding it is just a process of patience to come to know myself inside and out until the mind mapping will be complete and I will be able to navigate it fearlessly at any given time
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress extensive anger for the creators of this existence because it seemed unbecoming to feel such rage at every new discovery of what else they did to make sure we never got out of this maze, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have equally participated in this mess by accepting and allowing myself to engage in this creation and that the rage I feel is a projection of blame for everything that doesn't work inside of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it doesn't matter what has been and who did what, but only the solutions we can find out of this to return life to the physical and recreate what it should always have been in self responsibility, honoring ourselves and each other equally to create a world we ca be proud of
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that suppression is just a time delay mechanism I have set in place, where I allow things to fester to a point where I can't let them go anymore and that I would make my life so much easier if I addressed each point that comes up in the moment to prevent accumulation and the sense of uselessness I had to face in the past when things to deal with seemed to have become too much, too many, to be spread in too many directions while I could have handled them much more easily if I had dealt with them all, one by one, as they came up
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the word 'responsibility' as in 'fault' and for having associated the word 'responsibility' with 'fault', so that when anyone brings up the point of 'it's your responsibility' I react as if I have been blamed, as if I have done something wrong, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what they mean to underline is the opportunity, is the fact that I have the response-ability to deal with the specific point that came up and see how I can find the solution within it that works for myself and others equally and walk the point to a solution
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energies in my solar plexus and in my body to a point that it almost felt normal to live with such 'charge' and within this for accepting and allowing myself to turn my body into an energetic facility where I keep manufacturing energy from friction and internal conflicts ending up believing that once I am charged, I have to suppress or I could blow up like my mother used to do and within this for living in fear of this charged body and the pains that manifest within and as it because I took pain as consequence as fault as something to blame myself for, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding pain as a point of support, to show myself which systems I can address next and to test if I have addressed that specific system to a solution as I defuse the pain with self forgiveness and the applications of the tools I have learnt
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical pains as a sign that I am not walking my process effectively , which leads to my desire for suppression because I don't see any other way out of it, instead of asking for support from others who can see more than what I can see at the moment to address those pains and walk myself out of them
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear some of the inexplicable pains I feel in my body for which I lack a frame of reference, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can work to develop a frame of reference to map out my pains the same way I am doing for my mind as I have seen, realized and understood that most fears come from not knowing what is going on within and without me and within this for having supressed myself from searching for physical solutions because I judged seeking physical solutions as a sign of having failed in my process or I would not need a physical solution in the first place
When and as I see myself suppressing, about to suppress, wanting to suppress a thought or an emotion or an experience that I have judged as 'negative', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am facing my own self created definition of a thought/emotion or experience and that I need to stop, redefine my experience in the moment by looking at it, unraveling its content and then forgiving it, committing to live new statements and definitions of and as myself that are supportive and not damaging/unsupportive
When and as I see myself attempting to suppress a moment I am sharing with another because I am aware I am reacting, I stop, breathe, tell myself and if possible the other that I have to get back to them on that specific point, commit to not suppress myself but to sort myself out and readdress the point when I am no longer reactive
When and as I see myself about to wave something away, I flag the moment to become aware that I am wanting/trying to suppress something I have judged as 'inappropriate/negative' make myself aware about the point I am wanting or desiring to suppress away and deal with it in writing using the tools I have learnt to support myself into a solution
I commit myself to walk the path that is required to teach myself to stop suppressing myself, to see the points coming up, to breathe instead of suppressing and to change the points of suppressions or attempts to suppress into points of self support and self intimacy and unconditional self acceptance of myself and the process I am walking out of myself as the Mind into Awareness, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One
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