Showing posts with label Comparison. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comparison. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Day 147: I am Not Judging You - Bitch!
Back to the judging board.
Another way I judge myself and others at the same time is comparison, while in Morality I can stand as an absolute point of Self Judgement, when I compare myself to others or something I have to be judging both, myself and the other comparison point.
If I am more the other point must be less, if I am less the other point must be more, if I win the other point is losing, if I am better the other point is worse.
In English this point is clearer than in the Italian language, in Italian I can say best and better and omit 'than what', in this omission the very point of comparison can lay hidden, it just somehow happens to be better (than), best is an absolute and so the point that is better than everything else is as well omitted, this works within the English language as well, You are simply The Best (among them/us All).
The fact that we try to NOT express the comparison and competition point is in itself interesting, we don't want to face what we do continuously in the hope no one will notice we are 'value/worth diggers' and we play down the competition point in case we may lose out and feel diminished/inferior, even when we say it would be best, what we imply is 'better than' for which we keep the hidden list of 'not best' within our Mind so as to Not expose all the points we have already compared this 'best' action/speech/sentence against/to and how our devious Mind truly works, we can 'play innocent' which in itself means we know what we are doing and why we just don't want to expose it.
"Playing innocent" hides a judgement of myself and my self expression, that I have seen and judged what I am NOT going to do or say in the open as 'not innocent', if I were innocent I would not need to 'play innocent' but instead I will 'play innocent' as in 'pretend not to be guilty', so I won't have to face the judgement of me and my self expression.
Another cover up I have used in judgement game is the famous 'I'm not judging you/it-there is no judgement here because I have done it too (and judged myself for it, and still doing the self judgement, so please join in)' when all the words are stringed together to say otherwise, but the 'I'm not judging you/him/she/it/them' it's a declaration of fake fairplay, because I am superfucking judging, I just don't want to be judged for it.
In fact the 'I am not judging sentence' is one of the most cunning, it's like when parents suppress and program children and tell them 'I am doing it for your own good' which leaves the child beaten, angry and feeling guilty, because my gosh, they are doing this for my own good and what do I do "Hate Them', what a freaking Monster!
In the same fashion declaring 'I'm not judging you (Bitch) and then listing the judgements is absolute genius, as I/we can judge/self judge AND get away with it, or pretend to, because I have declared the name of the Game 'Not Judgement' but then I list How and Why I think what YOU DO is not OK, as it is not what I would do, or would like to think it is not what I would do, while fearing my own judgement that I may do just the same or have already done the same and conveniently forgot about it, or pretended to, how could I even tell another what is Ok and what is Not unless I was comparing the point to something that is in fact OK - within the files of my Mind- and then judging that This is Not, while I skip and hop through Life looking for My Value/Worth Pot, could be at the next meeting, around the corner, at the end of the rainbow.
Why do I compete for value in this Game of Life?
Because my Value is by my own acceptance and allowance tied into a system of Value that is external and outside of myself to which I have subscribed, saying yes to the Game and the desire to be More, not just from this lifetime, Nope, just going back eons of time, when I believed that I was NOT in fact enough and There must be more than Me and there must be more than Here
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Self Forgiveness and SC to Follow
Monday, September 10, 2012
Day 141: Name Your Price, Babe
I have been facing this point 3 times in my physical reality in the last 2 months as one of my self created limitations and it has been bothering me extensively.
The point is when I am asked to give a price to a service that I do, be it teaching or massages or applying for a job (which I have one such interview to do tomorrow as I am time looping my points closer to each other until I stand up and correct myself, good planning, you can't keep missing a point if it keeps happening with shorter and shorter space/time in between, there is just so much time one can play dumb)
So tomorrow I face, yet again , the point of having to Name My Price.
As I wrote yesterday, something has to do with the belief that Good people do things For Free, as I wrote prostitution came up as a picture, yes prostitute do not do "things" for free for example and therefore they are BAD (?), but nobody is doing anything for Free at the moment, we just can't, because our lives and survival are tied into this Enslaving Money System and not yet into an Equal Money System, so many times we are left with the choices between want to be 'Good' or want to be Alive? And how do we define 'Good' ? Free=Good ? Cheap = Good?
Another point is that I dislike asking for Money, it seems gross, Money Talk is just not elegant, when one names his/her price their 'Life is read' because I judge others by their Greed and so I am Judged by my greed, which means I always undervalue myself to not be judged as 'greedy' as I fear this judgement and the opinion of others toward me as 'that greedy woman', which could be as well why I played the 'Generous character' in opposition to my fear of my own Greed.
The downside to this Character is that due to the Fear of the Judgement of myself as greedy coupled with the desire to be 'Good", I never asked what I really want, today I got a slap in the face because of that, as my neighbors have been coming to me for massages that I gave for free (so they will see me as "Good') I had then troubles at where do I draw the line, B. Once old me to not sell myself cheap as that is Consumerism, I have sold myself cheap all my life -just to then later resent it and the ones who had not sold themselves as cheap as me-, so today I thought I gave them 5 massages, by now they can see if they benefit or not, I talked to my mum about it and justified myself by saying I have no clue about massages prices in Italy, which is not true because I went for a massage that I had no benefit from and was charged 50 euro - the Asian lady told me it was a special price as she normally charges 75 and sometimes 100-, but having lived a long time in Asia I was not impressed and my body neither, that's when I saw I had more knowledge than her and could actually give effective massages myself especially if this was the best standard available here at the moment.
So I started by giving 3 massages for free to my building caretaker and then his neck was fixed and he did not need to come anymore, I told him my price was 50 but I would do 40 for him and his friends, which again is the usual 'please like me attitude", instead of standing by my decision that what I give is of value because people do feel better than with treatments they have paid thousands of euro for. So he sent me a friend that became a regular, until I told him I am not looking for long term customers, I want people who have a problem get some support and then take back the responsibility of their health, and so he did, and I lost a client. I had mixed feelings about this, as on one side I felt utterly stupid, come on, look at the world system, you give them treatments that fix them, what's wrong with you, why not just do what every body does, tell them they need more, regular massages, one side of me was glad, good Ele, don't be like the world system, they are Evil, you can do better than that.
Back to my neighbours, today I finally got to the Money point, so I had to give them a long story that went 'I paid 50, I charged others 40, give me 30', my mum had called today the health services to know how much they charge, they charge 38 euro if you go to the hospital and 58 euro for private sessions, in my mind 30 was a good compromise. Again the point that I price myself by comparison to others and not by what I see is the worth of the service I give, I live by market rules, competing in my mind to be cheaper and so more convenient than others because for years I have trained myself to see Money Worth/Value get the most/best by paying the least, which made me the perfect client for Outlets.
My lady neighbor looked at me in surprise, my first thought was 'I asked too much', instead she said 'NO Ele, this doesn't seem right to me, it's too little" so I said "alright let's do 35 and if you do a series of massages I can offer 30'.
When she left I saw this point again, really what is it with me and not wanting to ask what I decide is the right compensation for the work I do that I have to be told by a retired pensioner, against her interest, that I'm off my rocker if she felt guilty about it, why do I feel the need to 'compromise' when it comes to Money, am I buying other people's opinion of me as a 'Good Person' with the Money I don't make because I don't ask for it? This pattern has moved all the way throughout my life, at my first job when I asked how much I wanted to make my boss was shocked, it took me 3 years to understand he was shocked because I asked half of what he was willing to give and to get what I should have asked when I had my interview, it took me 3 years as well to reach the max of my resentment as I seem to have delegated the responsibility of my survival to others, hoping that they will do what is best for me instead of what is best for them, even when my first boss told me this clearly, he said 'you watch out for You, I have to watch out for the company, our interests are clashing so why do you expect me to look after your interests and put them before mine?" and wasn't this a logical question? But I never stopped, I did it again and again, had a few break through in Hong Kong until I left because I was paid half of what the guy who came after me was paid, doing double the work, I left even when they told me "we'll give you double", because by that time I was too busy being uppity about it because they 'should have given me what I didn't ask as a recognition of my hard work' and not because they feared me leaving.
Is this how we women are creating the gender Wage gap as we don't want to be seen as Greedy as Men and so de facto, we walk away from our chances for an Equal retribution in shame of asking for it ? What is this shame about?
And here 5 years later back in Italy, I am at it again, back into the self defeating patterns of selling myself cheap while buying the 'I'm Good Label' for myself for Half my freaking wage? Time to STOP
Will investigate this pattern in depth tomorrow within Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Day 43: Resistance to Losing Weight and 'Being Attractive'
I have been engrossed in Process for the past few months, which is one of my excuses for not caring or taking care of my body, even though Process is all about being One with the Physical, I have deliberately avoided that, telling myself that when I clear some of the Fog in which I have been lost for a lifetime, everything 'will sort itself out'.
Everything includes the fact that I have putting on weight as a result of what I can clearly see is lack of care for myself, overeating and no exercise.
It is like I wanted to use the weight as some Destonian Women have shaved their hair, missing the point completely due to my judgement of shaving head and being bold as Ugly and therefore not willing to shave my hair in fear that I don't live in a supportive place for such bold actions and I will be marginalized from the system, I have put on weight to 'uglify' myself and make myself not attractive, the same way I see and judge bold women as NOT attractive, One and Equal ah ah, in my own self accepted judgements and beliefs.
Here is another point that emerged clearly through chats with a friend, I FEAR being attractive, as I believe I have always attracted men doing just about nothing, while not wanting to see how my very existence was all about attracting men and being seductive as a value point.
Everything I do, from how I walk to how I move my hands is about seduction, so fearing that I won't be able to change myself on that specific point and that I may in fact NOT want to change myself on that point because I fed off my capacity to attract most of my life, I put on weight, as the safety lever on the generator, I have switched myself off and out the attraction game, subjecting my physical body to abuse first physical through overeating and eating food I was well aware it was not supportive, and then through mental abuse, by being disgusted with myself for being fat.
I am fat, it's not like a mind projection of anorexic people, I have put on easily 2 stones which translates in over 3 dress sizes and confined myself to track suits and pajamas wanting to ignore this physical point of me, overlooking the whys I have come to this decision and why not instead face the point of 'being attractive' as a new fear point I have developed since I am walking process.
Which is not a new fear point, it's just the polarity of the fear point of not being attractive that all my life led me to jump through fire loops to MAKE myself attractive in fear that if I were not able to attract men, I was in fact not valuable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge bold women as ugly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I may be required to shave to show my commitment to Life when in fact this point has been discussed several times with regard to do what you can, practically, in terms of walking in and as the system and was never forced or asked to by anybody
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed to judge bold women as ugly and for suppressing this judgement in and as myself in fear of having to face my own shame and guilt for making such judgements about a group of women who is standing in and as an example of a world that is best for All, where they gave up their perceived beauty and ability to seduce to stand for Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for having thought that 'bold women' are ugly and for suppressing this guilt in and as me for not having to face my own judgements of others as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being 'ugly' according to my own judgements and perception of what beauty is within a system that I have accepted and allowed to teach me about Beauty that translates in things to do that cost money and things to buy that cost money, to keep up with the Beauty requirements of the world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body because I am not willing to tackle this point within and as me as the Mind to release myself from my ideas of attractiveness and value so I may start to lose the weight I have put on as a safety belt and a chastity belt to keep myself 'on track' because I don't trust myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going for job interviews within a country that values Beauty and attractiveness as Value points and for accepting and allowing myself to accept the trickling down of the beauty and value system of attractiveness on me and for having lived it as me , one and equal, believing I was this 'need and desire' to attract and that without my attractiveness feedback I could never and would never be able to establish my value on the money/sex/value market of this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a system in which women are valued for their ability to attract because Sex was an integral part of the design and I failed to see that there was something not working in the way we were pulled and repulsed by each other within the physical appearance point and I refused to see that I was just living out programs of my own creation, in and through which I accepted myself as an object, to which men had to be attracted to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be objectified and to objectify myself and for selling myself out in looking/feeding on positive feedback from men, that I lured and engaged with any possible mean from Stares/Looks to walking, to the way I move my hands, to provoke a reaction in them on which I could feed to give myself a sense of value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot be trusted and for accepting and allowing that 'the seductress' is who I am and have become, and therefore I punish myself and bring myself down into a space where I can do no harm because I fear what I will go back to do in engaging men in every possible way if I go back to being "attractive"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/be attractive, instead of facing the point that I played the seduction game to attract to the point of having it become me as who I am and that I was not Naturally Attractive, pretending that seducing was just natural to me as being a real Woman/Female, instead of seeing there was nothing natural in everything that I have built up myself to be but extensive manipulation of myself and others to believe that I was natural a real Woman/Female and not acting sluttish, because that would have taken value from me instead of giving it to me as a real Woman/Female able to seduce and attract
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a seductress in fear that I was ugly and not up to par with the beautiful women of the world and so I used seduction as a way to affirm my power over men, because this is what beauty is for, so as I was not among the most beautiful I had to make up in ability to seduce and attract, which is a skill I lived one and equal as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to my ability to seduce and attract and for believing this is who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define real Women/Females those that could give a hard on to a man when walking by, because such is the power of the feminine world, that we play out in looking for value, looking for a man who goes into his mind and into the desire to fuck us/me so that I can feed off the energy of having made him a slave in his mind to me for the desire that he now has and that I can play upon, leaving to him the belief that it is own doing the trying to seduce me, when in fact I lived to seduce as this was what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in the search of the value and worth of me in separation from Self as Self Worth and Self Value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated and diminished if a man did not respond with interest that I could identify as desire when he met me, while I pretended I did not care about being attractive while being able to attract was all I groomed myself to be able to do, in the subtlest of ways, manipulating my way into men's minds until I was the winner in the game of seduction having already made them mine, making sure I could fuck anyone I wanted, just because I was special and more than other women, failing to see that both sexes are playing the exact same game of value and that men have exactly the same thoughts and are exactly in the same way trying to affirm inside their mind if our meeting could in fact turn into sex and their own satisfaction, like I played the game for my own satisfaction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the seductress game even with men I would have never gone to bed with, because it was just an Energy Fix and I did not care about how they lived the moment of being hyped and then dumped because I was always subtle enough in the way I moved that I could deny having participated in any energy game and blame on them that it was all in their mind and their own imagination and how could they ever think they could have a woman like me, really - was the unspoken point between us-
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men for my own energy games and for feeding on and off them in search for value for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face this point of attractiveness and seduction as a way of life because until I keep the weight on I feel safe, that I won't have to ask myself and see myself why do I behave, say and do the things I do and so I won't have to face myself with who I have become within this point of wanting to attract men as a value system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly compare all women I meet to our ability to pull men to establish if I am the winner or the loser in my own mind competition, where if there is another woman that is more attractive than me I will play the intelligent one, trying to make them lose stupid because I have build a vast arsenal of seduction tools and I can move at ease between my seductive personalities, adapting myself to the task at hand until I find a point in which I can break through and have my victory over other women and get the value I seek for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my world and the world outside of me into a competition for attractiveness in which I desire to come out the winner because when I lose I allow and accept myself to feel and believe I am diminished, instead of seeing we are all diminished into the competition game because there will always be a loser and until I/We stop there is no way to build a world of Equals because competition breeds Inequality and feeds on Inequality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world of Inequality as long as I could be the winner inside my secret mind games and have someone else be the loser
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in comparison and competition with other women instead of stopping myself and my own separation in and as The Mind, which breeds all sort of sicknesses and jealousies and the world we live in within and without
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support all comparison and competitions in which I was sure to win and for not supporting comparisons and competitions in which I feared to lose, proving to myself that I supported comparison and competition only for the purpose to win and take something from others that I forced into a competition in my mind because I saw already from the start all their point of weaknesses I could go for so I could come out the winner and make them the losers
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear competition with other women when I was in a Relationship, in fear my partners may be more attracted to another woman than me and that within this I would lose ground and value for myself and I would resort to all sort of nastiness to put them back into a place of losers so I could secure for myself my position in my relationship as the winner, in fear I would lose my men to a 'better woman' than me
When and as I see myself eating or about to eat not because I am hungry, but because I am putting a lid on all the feelings and emotions I have not yet dealt with effectively, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that food is a source of nourishment for my physical body and that I must use it in support of myself and not in and as punishment and for the purpose of fattening up to remove myself from the competition game, because that game must stop within me in and as the Mind and not by using my body to separate myself from the 'potential game' and cut me out of the competition/ comparison/ attractiveness game
When and as I see myself judging myself as disgusting for being fat and at the same time feeling pleased that I don't have to look at the point of 'being attractive/seducing' I stop, breathe, remind myself that this is a point I have to face and that allowing my body to revert to its comfortable weight is an act of sanity and that I owe my body my respect and not subject it to my fears and make it the scapegoat for what I am not willing to face as a point I need to change about myself
When and as I see myself fearing to go out because I am not attractive, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that self acceptance is about accepting myself as I am now, and that only in the unconditional self acceptance of me I can stand as the consequence of my behaviour and walk the consequences back to feeling comfortable and healthy within my body, stopping the abuses of me in and as the mind regarding what I will have to face, as I can see I am building self trust through self honesty and when I will be 'system attractive' again that is the place where I will be able to self correct, seeing the layers of my own deception and how I have designed myself to interact with men and seduction, so I can stop myself and stand in and as self correction
When and as I see myself not accepting myself because I have lost much of my source value as in being able to seduce and attract, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am not the value of how many men I can pull or of what feedback do I get when I go out from men staring at me, I remind myself that I have become a seductress because I mistook my value as Self as Self Worth and Self Value with the System Value and I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only live in and as separation always seeking for the Value I abdicated in my acceptance and allowed separation from myself as Life as Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All
I commit myself to stop my seduction games and to face my point of seduction/seductress in the physical, so I may stop my participation in and as an Energy system that feeds off men and the competition between women for the ability to seduce, I commit myself to show myself that I exist as Breath, as Life, One and Equal and not as an Energy Generator/ Consumer that lives in and self interest from one fix to the next
Friday, May 18, 2012
Day 35: Friends as Self Abuse
My friend left today, the first thing I want to write is I'm GLAD.
During her stay I have realized how friendship is just another value system in which we either project an idea about ourselves and look for an energetic feedback or we look for points to devalue in the other in our mind as to feel better about ourselves.
I have not been very reactive during her stay, but I had backchat, most of it revolving around the world of love and light and how could she be preaching that when she lives as a total self centered universe believing only her life is in fact important, of course it's not about her, she is just a mirror of myself and my own life lived as a self centred egotistical bitch, for whom how I felt was the leading light of my life, looking to feel good in any possible way, through the feedback of others or my own feedback, one thing that bugs me is that I could never really believe myself and so this is a point I project on others, a question I have asked several time to my friend A. here in Italy who has walked this process for some time, on and off, and he told me once 'yes, everyone knows Ele, everyone is aware of their own bullshit, of their not feeling good, of the lies they tell to themselves and others', he told me as well that I have asked this question within different words already several times and he wondered why.
The why is due to the point that I don't want to believe this, because if and when I do, all my world of relationships will crumble in a pile of dust, if I was not real I can live with that, but if everyone else is not real too, what is this Relationships bullshit really all about if not an excuse, a distraction, a point to play with while we pass time, and we pass air, we are farting more than breathing and I don't want to admit to this.
When my friend left I went to the toilet, immediately, I had been constipated for days, so busy holding up my new Desteni image, not wanting to make any faux pas that will lead her to find excuses about the process and what we are doing, so I withheld a few 'fuckoffs' on the way to prove that we are in fact the ones right, if I can take all the abuse with a flair, and THEY, the non Desteni are the ones who are wrong, and once when I saw her poorly hiding her laughing in mockery an at one of my reply to what she asked me about Heaven, as if I'm just too stupid to believe all of this, I did not say anything, how can I ?
It's ultimately all knowledge and information, I have not seen Heaven before nor I saw it disappear, but if I could believe the Catholics first, with their long shot about a virgin giving birth and all their Dogmas, and then I could believe in a Benevolent Universe that allows me to live and lets half of the world struggle in misery as an obvious point of a dysfunctional parenthood, if I accept the Universe or God or the Light as 'Creator', it's obvious nothing can stop me from believing something that makes sense, which is that we are One and Equal, and that the story ultimately doesn't matter, our origins are not the point of our resolution, the resolution is Here and Desteni offers a path to walk, to correct ourselves, to stop being the assholes we have been so far in our secret minds, so that once we stop the bullshit we can recreate ourselves into what is Best for All, because when we look inside in self honesty, is who we are as the egotistical maniac and psychopaths we have become what is best for All ?
Are we using then the Light and the Love to blind others hoping that they will stop at the Love and Light label and not go further into seeing who we are or are we genuine about the Beliefs we decide to hold just because they serve our Life as Self Interest and Abuse of others while we walk the planet never considering anyone else but ourselves.
A. would say 'I told you Ele, we All know what we are doing, really'. Really ? Really Really ??
Then it's time to stop and self correct, so one day we may become the friends we wish to have to All as One and Equal and we will be able to re-create ourselves into What is Best for All.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a 'fuck off' as bad and the pretense of harmony as good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in an attempt to show that now that I am walking a path of self correction, I have become a better Human Being by displaying what I judge as being good vs being bad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my behaviour as good/bad so I move myself through a fake morality maze to comply to my value system and desire to be good instead of being self expression Here in the moment in Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am an Energy Construct and for supporting such existence by my own participation in Energetic Tools instead of living Here as Breath in and as the Physical but existing as a react-or to manufacture my own energy through friction to satisfy my life of self interest validating it with good feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a self centred bitch and for being angry at myself for what I have allowed and accepted myself to become in my quest for value and appreciation, in separation from Self and all of existence as Self Trust as Self Value and Self Worth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes to what I would in self honestly wanted to say NO, because yes makes me look better than saying no in relation to the idea and personality of myself I want to project as easy going and easy to get along with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for abuse when in fact it's always and only been my own self abuse of not standing up for myself in self honesty and drawing the lines of what is acceptable and how one should contribute within a household as an equal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be the one who pays for everything because I have judgements about stingy people who are attached to money and so I don't want to show I am attached to money believing the other one will see when it is their time to step in and pay instead of settling Common Sense rules about Money and how we are going to share the costs of a visit I could not afford in the first place not having a job at the moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ones attached to money as stingy and to believe that the ones attached to money are stingy with their 'loving' as well because love is just like money, a point in and through which I have accepted and allowed myself to see value in and as a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to con-stipate myself with self judgement about how to live practically about someone else and so just in case I play the doormat which should be the most endearing position to get me the approval and love of my friends, no matter the discomfort my body shows me about it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a doormat and for feeling shameful about being a doormat/having been a doormat in my life in my search for approval
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for overtaking instead of seeing it is me overgiving in a compensation act for not being good enough as a friend at the moment because I no longer play the 'makeme feelgood' game and I have to make up for it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that how my friends and family feel around me is my responsibility and that when I don't 'make them feel good' I have to pay for it, in money or negative emotions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I no longer want to host anyone instead of seeing where I can correct myself to have an enjoyable equal experience next time someone comes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to project myself as a Desteni success, meaning someone to emulate because I am working on my fuck ups when others are not and that makes me more than them who are still lost in delusions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the parts of Self still lost in delusions as less than me in separation from me as All There Is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those in Process are more than those of us who are not as a point of Value for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to smack my friend gently when she hid the mocking laughter about Heaven's story and for then looking in the following days for points in our conversations in which I could mock her about in my secret mind or outwardly, to get even
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as Spite and the desire to get even that I play out in my secret mind -and out- and to which I try to not pay attention because I believe I am entitled to some paybacks and I do no harm
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do no harm in my mind, even though I believed a lot of invisible stuff could be life changing in the positive sense, like reiki or energy, but I don't want to face the nasty thoughts, who are made of energy too, and what they do to the collective and what they manifest in and as this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use friends as a form of self abuse and as a point of separation in which I compare myself to see if I am 'better' or 'worse' in any given point that can be physical or mental so I can gain value for myself taking it from them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a dishonorable life in and as the Mind, refusing to face my own dishonesty ad the way I participate in the world because I fear changing and not knowing what I will become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to write out this point because I fear my friend reading this blog and feeling bad about it, instead of realizing, I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions, and thoughts, words and deeds, but I'm in no way powerful enough to make anyone FEEL anything and that everything another feels I cannot be responsible for as I am not the cause of it as they are never the cause of what I think, feel and say
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my personalities as if they were real and something I should just correct instead of something to delete and let go, because they exist as a Mind Construction, in and as Self Interest and Separation and living in and as the Mind will never allow me to change as change will have to come from the nothingness I reach into the Life I rebuild, Equal and One for myself and all of existence Equal and One
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself To Fear Change
When and if another friend will ask me to come over, I will see if it is OK with me and not just say Yes to build on a 'good image' of myself, and if it is OK and I see we can both benefit I will open my home and make my rules clear as to what is required to live together given that the workload doubles and should therefore be shared and if costs are involved I will let them know how we should go about sharing in common sense, so noone of us is abused or unclear about how to move and what is expected and there will be less backchat for both
When and as I see myself tempted to blame a friend for how I ended up feeling 'abused' I remind myself that abuse doesn't exist, but only the self abuse of me as the mind, and so I breathe and stop abusing myself or blaming my self abuse on others when I see myself lost in thoughts, feelings and emotions of and as the Mind
I commit myself to learn to build self honest relationships with other Human beings based on effective communication to Honour myself and others as One and Equal as Life
Monday, May 14, 2012
Day 31: Rooting for Women vs Men - Part 2
This is another picture that sums up why I hate and resent men.
They just have to be Men, women have to do a shitload of other things to be a "Woman', and from this sign is missing a long list of requirements, be a Chef in the kitchen, a whore in bed and be extensively good looking on all occasions, wearing the right outfits and the right attitude at all times, especially the attitude, that counts a lot.
With this in Mind, I set out in the world to 'think like a man', an easy joke pops into my mind, 'that's easyyy, since they don't think most of the time' but after meeting Desteni that could be in fact a point in their favour, they Think less, they seem to be less Mind troubled than women, have less hang ups, oh right, another reason to hate them for.
Interesting to see that whatever I think about men is divided in 'in my favour, as a woman' or 'in their favour as men', the comparison system of winner losers in Full Display.
This point is quite extensive in my Life, as much as I would like to be an Equal and realize this is what I am walking for, I can see I am not even close yet, especially with Men, there are so many things that Proudly separate me from Men, there are so many things I love to Hate about Them, I have spent my Life making them Less than Women, in fear that they would in fact always Be More, in a world designed by Men for Men, what chances do we stand if not the crawling into our roles until we fit the perfect image of a Woman.
But who has designed this Woman Image for me if not Myself, are Men really the ones to Blame or was it always Me, accepting and allowing myself to believe both my inferiority as a species and desiring the superiority of my Gender just to stop the Inferiority feelings, just to equalize myself into this world of Men in a way where I felt I could in fact survive, guaranteeing for myself a chance in the Men's World, willing to do anything I could identify as valuable to square the books, to settle the records straight, to Prove to Them and to Myself that I was not worthless just because I was born a woman, that I was valuable, but valuable was not enough for such an uneven playfield, I had to be More, this is why as women we accept to work more and be paid less, we are lost into proving our Value on the Imaginary Value market of this world, on which we ourselves have placed us as Less, and the strain of keeping up with our own Self Defined Woman's Roles is what we Blame on them, this is where the Hate comes from, the Hate for myself not being enough is projected outward, on Men, the Imaginary cause of what goes on inside of Me when I participate in comparisons and I fear losing the comparison Game, and feeding off that Fear I look at them as the Minions who caused my turmoil, if they did not exist, the world would be a better place, a bit like what the Muslim do, they cover up their women so they won't have to face their desires and thoughts that they have already judged as 'bad, wrong and inappropriate", I am the Muslim Taliban with Men, I want them to cover up, hide, disappear, so I won't have to face what I think, Feel and Perceive about myself in my own Self Judgement of Me as Not The Perfect Woman, I blame them for my beliefs that I am less and less worthy and then My Life with Men turns into a constant continuous suppressed unspoken competition, in which I just live to show them that I am More so I can stop feeling Less.
to be continued
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Monday, May 7, 2012
Day 24 Rotten Fruits - Fat or Skinny as a Value System Part 2
Last night I have listened to Anu's interview about the Human Picture, which ties in nicely with this point of appearance and how I got to value/devalue myself based on the way 'I look'.
"I Look" in Italian within this specific context is translated with "I seem", which is interesting, because my own Idea of me had little to nothing to do with 'looking' but more with 'seeming', I seemed Fat in my own eyes, the eyes I used to look at myself through my own Mind, based on the feedback and ideas of others about how a body should look/seem to be considered Fine.
I disliked pictures of me, as I never knew if the one taking them would 'see' me as I hoped to be seen, as in a way of looking Fine, or if they would disregard the fact that in a certain pose I looked Fat and I should have posed in another more slimming way, to immortalize myself at 'My Best' being there the chance that I could in fact be at My Worse within the polarity of my Mind and what is acceptable and not acceptable.
So I will now apply Self Forgiveness for this long standing pattern about Body Shape and acceptability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when I heard the word 'Fat" referred to me for the first time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devalued and diminished when I heard the word Fat referred to me for the first time and for feeling such an intense surge of emotion of sorrow and shame that I had to cry
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as 'different from other kids' since I have accepted and allowed the label Fat as me as something demeaning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take personally this idea of the school doctor regarding how a body should look like to be fine, and made it mine and then tried to live aligning to his picture and society's picture of the perfect body Shape
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for believing I was Fat and and for feeling ashamed about believing I was Fat
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate a negative charge to the word 'fat' according to how I have used it to make myself feel and believe I was less than others who I did not associate to the word 'Fat' and were therefore more than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the word Fat associated to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I had put on weight as a layering of suppressions regarding what was going on in my family and my own participation within and as me as the Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my family because everybody was overweight and I believed it was their fault that they had passed this pattern on to me, instead of seeing it was a point of Standing up in Self responsibility for what I accepted and allowed in and as myself as the Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be thin to have more value in separation from myself as Self Worth and Self Value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable about eating most of my life as I connected Food not to a Life support , but to something to fear because I was scared I would take on the binging route and would not be able to stop when sitting down and eating as food was my first suppression tool of choice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself through and with Food
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Food as a reward for my 'good behaviour' and as something soothing for my emotional turmoils instead od standing up in Self responsibility for what was going on inside of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to binge and throw up and for keeping all this life and food patterns hidden from others because of shame and fear of their judgement, instead of seeing I only and always feared my own judgement of myself as a picture-not-perfect image
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my food patterns and for feeling the shame of my own judgements as someone out of control and a slob
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself and my own life of suppression and or using food cover ups as the lid that kept everything suppressed in layers of fat
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself as Self Expression and for blaming it on Food and the way I looked, believing that if I were thin I would not be suppressing myself, instead of realizing I was fat because I was suppressing myself into layers of judgements, ideas and beliefs and not viceversa
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend that I did not care about weight issues while I allowed myself to abuse myself with thoughts, emotions and feelings about food all day, being food and issues of fat and thin what most circulated and pre-occupied me as the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self expression to an image of myself that had to fit into certain parameters BEFORE I would alow myself to live as Self Expression Here in and as Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt the first time my grandmother shouted 'hold in your stomach !' and for taking this point personally instead of seeing she feared the judgement of others about me as Fat that would reflect on Her as a poor caretaker and for this fear of dis-pleasing my grandmother I gave up breathing properly and myself as Breath as my concern to hold my stomach in became greater than my willingness to Breathe and Live
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge fat people as slobs and out of control as this was my own judgement of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was excessive and out of control and there was nothing I could do about it as all of my family displayed these traits, failing to see the excesses came from the shared patterns of my family regarding weight and a loss of self worth that I just took on and shared, and the excesses and loss of control were just the pattern of suppression that I failed to recognize as such within my family and myself equal and one
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my family for passing on this 'invisible dis-ease' to me instead of seeing they did not know how not to, as they were the very dis-ease they passed on to me and I was always and only angry at myself for accepting and allowing myself to live one and equal to their patterns of suppression and behaviour
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my family for what I saw as a damaging life they imposed onto me instead of seeing I blamed them because I did not want to face my own responsibility in and as my participation and acceptance of patterns of suppression and their apparent 'solution' as in using food as a lid to keep everything down
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the pattern of Fat as a way to keep men away, that played out clearly within the women of my family as we were all unable to refuse a man's compliment and display of interest that would lead to a relationship, no matter if we wanted one or not or if we liked the man or not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for worth and value in relationships to ptove to myself that I was not unworthy due to my patterns of thoughts, emotions and feelings and my weight issues instead of stopping the separation from me Here as Breath as Self Worth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry this pattern of diminishment of myself related to 'how I looked and fit in' all of my life as I did not know how to stand up and correct myself and feared talking about it to people who seemed out of control like me, which was mostly everyone, one way or another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my past as Fat, when for 3 years of my life I was very heavy and I did not want anyone to know about it because people around me may fear I could be fat again, like my mates, instead of seeing it was always me fearing to be fat again and having to go through the same self abuse I put myself through when I was fat and ugly, according to my own judgement of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as an image and a picture instead of accepting myself as Life Here in every moment of Breath, even though my body is Here in self forgiveness showing me how it is done to start anew in every moment of Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body through food, thoughts, feelings and emotions about food all my life because I did not believe I deserved to let go of what I took on as the sins of the father as it seemed disloyal to walk away from family patterns and teachings, no matter how damaging they were
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my family as abnormal because I felt abnormal and looked for someone else to blame about what was going on in and as me as the Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when my mum sent me to a Weight Management Facility in summer to get a hold of my weight problem because I felt Fat and believed I had to be corrected to become acceptable, instead of seeing my mum was offering a solution she did not have personally, as she walked the same 'image problems and perceptions', to something she had realized had become a problem for me and was leading to extensive suppression in me and my desire to no longer socialize as I felt I did not fit in
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy to find people who were way Fatter than me inside this Weight Management Hospital so I could feel good about myself being the skinniest of them all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel better when skinny than when fat and for judging myself as more 'valuable' as skinny than as fat, instead of realizing it was just a picture presentation of myself I was giving in to, as the way I liked others to see me as slim, to which I gave more value than me as Self, living Here in and as simplicity in every moment of Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my picture presentation and my image of myself has more worth and value than me and for believing the Image Presentation of myself or others to be Real, instead of seeing it is this desire to uphold the Image Presentation of myself and others that prevents me from seeing Life Here in everybody, Equal and One
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the judgement of others of me as Fat, instead of seeing it was always and only my own judgement that I feared and I wished to hide and suppress
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'weight myself down' with thoughts and imaginary issues about weight and my worth within the weight system, where I gave myself more value the thinner I was and less value the Fatter I was inside an idiotic mind game of value of myself as a picture while I wasted my Breaths of Life lost in my mind of Polarity regarding weight issues
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself as being able to address this point of weight management as me being stable to the point that I moved to Thailand feeling safer there where there were weight management facilities where I could fast and do colonics, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could never get over this point and I may just as well find ways to manage the consequences of my self abuse, instead of standing up in self honesty regarding why I kept abusing myself, take responsibility, realize that as I created this behavioral pattern there must be ways I could change it, and walk the correction to stop the Self Abuse, for myself as existence, equal and one.
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into weight/fat thoughts about myself or others, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am not a Picture nor are others and I refuse to value a picture world above Life
When and as I see myself worrying about the way I look, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the way I look is the way I seem to myself in any given moment and I stop looking at myself in self hatred and self judgement for my looks and the way I fit into an imaginary picture world of my own creation
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into suppression of myself that might move me into using food as the lid to keep everything down, I stop, breathe, check that I a clear and express myself in the out breath, because as I learn to express and no longer suppress I will stop looking for tools to suppress myself in and as, like food or substances
I commit myself to nurture my body with food and with the same respect I want to see manifested in the outer world of which I am a Creator, Equal and One
I commit myself to investigate and find ways to support my body and to eradicate all the thoughts feelings and emotions that I have stored and with which I have burdened myself in and as the physical, so I can start to walk the same life of dignity I want for everybody else as it is What is best for All Life, Equal and One.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Day 20: A Future of Fear
When I looked for a picture to represent what I am going through I found this one with the caption 'Why people love being scared' ? Which is for sure a pertinent question with what has been going on inside of me.
I can see a few points all interlinked
- I fear knowing my future or my responsibilities, the ones I seemed to have agreed to and I don't know about
- I am having troubles with the posts "Heaven's Creation" and the interviews about the Money System (Soul of Money) as when I read them I want to skip along and I can't read them out loud because I feel I'm just as delusional as when I believed in LOA, how can I take responsibility for what I cannot remember I have done or for what I cannot see linked to me yet ?
- moved into paranoia when listened to Joao interview from which I immediately took out what could burden me and used it to burden myself
Then I spoke to my Buddy and the issue started to become clearer
- when I went to check on Veno's Resonance articles regarding a pain I have had in my back recently, I finally saw it clearly, I have huge resistance to dig into reality in all its aspects, I fear it and as well I find it horrific, I fear facing my own anger and resentment for what is going on, for where we find ourselves, for the others in the Group who don't have it, who seem to have accepted the horror movie we are living as Mind Consciousness System with flair, they seem to have said, Ah, OK, we have been put into an Enslavement Design, that's fine, please supply the map to get out. What about having been into this shit hole for eons to allow Heaven to go on undisturbed, what do we do with that, we sit and listen to Anu and feel grateful for the keys to get out, where is the rightful Anger and indignation ?
I fear digging into the rabbit hole in fear of facing my anger, which I have just realized is huge, I have suppressed it all, the shock, the anger, the wanting to scream and kick something, yet I see that this very participation is the root of my Anxiety, part of what is not allowing me to relax and just walk, it is the fear of facing the anger of me, the anger at me for finding myself into this situation, for having weaved a lethal web around myself and others just for the pleasure to participate in high and lows of a demented games of value, I feel Insignificant and I wonder how will I get out of all of this, of this feeling of not even existing.
Yet I see I have taken process into my dreams, I do self Forgiveness in my dreams so I know I am in no way walking away from process, but I am angry, at me as process, because if I did not fuck up I wouldn't be in process at all, I would be Self Expressing and not playing Sherlock Holmes into my Life of which a lot of memories are blurred and I fear I can't find the way out of this maze.
I reread my writings and I can see, I'm fucking with myself, in my fear of not facing my anger I am preventing myself from expanding, from having more capacity as I keep myself pre-occupied and in-capacitated with the Past and the Future and I'm not Here, in the only place where my power to change myself and the world to what is best for All is Real as only Here I exist, out of the Mind, in my walk in and as Life, giving as I would like to receive Life to Myself and All existence, One and Equal.
So I start with for-giving Anu, and the other races involved in this and the silly Atlanteans who believed they had to be led by something in separation of themselves/ourselves, and I see that this is what created this mess, the separation and the lack of self direction, so I stop participating in my mind regarding the Past that is not real, and the Past of our creation which is Here to be forgiven so I can move consistently and stop the Anger that I feel for me, for my idiotic desire to have someone else stand up for me, so I can stand up for me and walk, I stop my participation in re-sent-ment, this word yesterday flashed in my head in Italian Ri-Sentimento, meas to feel again and then I saw this point of fuck up, in which I hold myself feeling the same stuff over and over again, which means I must be having the same thoughts swirling and twirling in my head to produce the same Ri-Sentimento and I stop, I see that what I feel for others is my creation, I have been jealous of the other Destonians who have dealt with this point more effectively than me, hence I did not want to look at it and say it, write it, for me to see, where I am stuck in a loop of festering emotions that I use to not allow myself to break free, and I stop, because breaking free from my own limitation is what I have committed to, for myself and All of Existence for and as What is Best for All, Equal and One.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my Anger and Shock for our Creation and for directing it outside of myself as a way of not having to face it in Self Responsibility and see that if All is Equal and One and I am the Created, I am the Creation and the Creator as well and it is only due to my existence of separation that I fail to see clearly the points explained and walked in the Blogs of Heaven's Journey to Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear my Future as a way to keep myself enter-tained in and as the Mind because I fear my Past and I don't want to look at it in self Honesty so I can equalize myself to it and let it go through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm unable to see the points explained in heaven's Blogs because they are unrelated to me instead of seeing I fear to face my past in fear of the common sense I may see as the outflowing consequences I have to walk ahead of me to break free
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Fear as a way to keep myself from walking through a point because fear prevents me to see what is laying underneath that needs to be addressed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own Fear which is just the Fear of looking at myself and what I have reduced myself to playing this game of winner and losers hoping to win without realizing that unless we walk in Oneness and Equality we are all losers
I forgive myself for accepting myself to desire to win in fear of losing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take something out of context with the purpose of finding an ammunition to shoot myself with, instead of applying myself in breath while I approach interviews and vlogs so I don't have to drag myself through them in my Mind generated Fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I boarded a train to Life and I am hanging from the back of this train running in Full Speed without giving myself credit for having in fact made the decision to board this train as me and not as something that 'happened to me'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will walk away from this process because I do not allow myself to trust myself that this is a decision I have in fact made and I'm not turning back
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing my responsibility as Life to Life in fear I won't be able to stand in and as it and I will fuck up process for everybody else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to know what my responsibility is as a point of specialness that me as Ego can use to boost myself into finding 'purpose to my existence'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the losing of my ability to move myself in and as emotions and feelings because this is what I have been all of my life and now that I have to self direct myself I feel lost and sometimes not up to the task
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of other Destonians who have not manifested this point but only the Joy of process because I allow myself to feel inadequate just because I was not wiling to look at the point of Blame of my emotions onto Creation, which is still onto myself, so I could release it and move with more ease
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Jealousy about process inside of me due to my own accepted and allowed judgements of how others are walking their process when in fact I know fuck all about how things really are for each one of us and what each one of us is walking to the same shared common goal of Life One and Equal for everyone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to stand because I accept and allow myself to live in and as the past of my fuck ups, instead of seeing that each breath I take is an opportunity to start new and it's in THIS very breath that I make new statements and commitments about who I AM and then walk that point into Life as Life as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process unnecessarily difficult for myself when I could have just kept walking and not allow myself to get distracted by my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my insignificance and losing myself while I see I can lose only what was never real and I am as insignificant as I allow myself to be within my mind, while when I bring myself back Here in Breath I am not in the Mind and expanding myself and my capacity with each Breath I take that is not Energy based but Life based
When and as I see myself tormenting myself or about to torment myself about my 'process performance, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no schedule to meet or performance table and that I just need to keep walking, One point at the Time, with no Blame for myself or others, with no Re-sentment for Myself or others, with no Anger for Myself or others, because we must have all participated or we would not be here and as I got myself here now I can get myself out of the here and now of the Mind, into the Here of Life, where Life has always been stable and One, waiting for everyone to come Home.
When and as I see myself looking for points of comparison to see how I am doing, I stop, remind myself of Marduk's interview about Process and walk mine, with no comparison or fear, One and Equal to the process of everyone, yet walking my own road back through my own fuck ups that cannot be measured or compared but just walked backward until all that remain is Here, as Life One and Equal
I commit myself to stop pretending to be afraid as I know Fear is not real and that I am using it for self manipulation, instead I keep walking, for myself, for existence, until All is Free, One and Equal and Life can be born in and as the Physical.
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