Day 430: The MEANing in ConSequence

(Missing blog  429 walked privately for now.)

I have already attempted this redefinition, recently though I found myself in a position where I saw clearly that I still have definitions attached to this word that do not mean what the word itself means and I act them out, which is unacceptable and not who I want to be.

Here is the dictionary definition of this word

1. a result or effect of some previous occurrence

2. an unpleasant result (esp in the phrase take the consequences)

3. (Logic) significance or importance: it's of no consequence; a man of consequence.

4. (Logic) logic

 a. a conclusion reached by reasoning

b. the conclusion of an argument

c. the relations between the conclusion and the premises of a valid argument

5. the relation between an effect and its cause

6. in consequence as a result

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

---

con•se•quence (ˈkɒn sɪˌkwɛns, -kwəns)

n.

1. the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier.

2. the conclusion reached by a line of reasoning; inference.

3. importance or significance: a matter of no consequence.

4. importance in rank or position; distinction: a man of consequence.

_______________________

When I looked this word up on the dictionary I was very surprised to not find its 'negative meaning' and wondered where did I get that, how did I place a negative charge on this word, so I looked it up in Italian and I found it has additional meanings where it is explicitly said 'effects, direct or indirect, usually of a negative nature' as in repercussions or negative result of something.

'Effetto diretto o indiretto, spesso negativo, di una situazione, vista come causa sicura o possibile: questo guaio è la c. della tua leggerezza; se la sono cavata senza gravi conseguenze'

I found out as well that we lack the last meaning of this word, we cannot say 'a man of consequence' because that wouldn't mean anything in Italian and that if I clean this word out of all the rubbish, it just means effect as in cause and effect, meaning what comes after a cause in a logical sequence of events.

My relatives always used the word Consequence to mean 'something negative will follow if you do this, you can't even imagine what's in store for you if you do this - meaning, what we will do to you', they used it as a threat, a warning, on occasion, when playing nice, a veiled way to say that something would be coming out of my actions and would not be good and mainly it would be coming FROM them.

When I was in SA and one day Leila read out loud an article on parenting about how parents were abusing this word to 'train their children through punishments they had replaced consequences with and how this screwed up in the child the whole concept of what a 'consequence' is' - I had a blip moment and could not compute.

I asked her to please give me an example and she did, she read the article that said 'you can tell your children that if they write on the wall there will not be chocolate cake', and I went, yes, wouldn't that be a consequence, like if you do this - that will happen?' and she said NO, the consequence is that the wall will be dirty and you will either have to live with it or clean it.

At the time this was a revelation in logic for me, a revolution in fact which left me quite pissed off as I pondered how many times I had been punished with the whimsical fantasies of my educators rather than shown what consequences really are, supported to see what I would have to face if I took a specific action and asked if I was willing to live out the 'obvious outsome', the con-sequence (which taking con as the Latin prefix meaning 'together with' it would mean the 'string of events' leading up to a specific result) and how I had attached a truckload of negative value to this word.

So, in a discussion with my buddy, what I saw is that I still live out this definition, that I believe that consequences are la -re -mise-en-place of someone who has gone off line, who has wandered out of a construct without permission and needs to be put back where they are supposed to be, put back in 'their place', obviously this treatment includes myself.

The way I have played out my consequences so far is by subjecting myself to self judgement as I have already written or to negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, self blame, something to remind myself that I was wrong, that I SHOULDN'T have done a specific thing and of course, as I do it to myself, I do it to others as well, when I reach a specific point of reaction something snaps into 'that's it, they should have seen it coming' meaning it's 'Their consequence, they created it for themselves' when in fact it is not, it is my punishment, consequence doesn't mean that if I am called names I have carte blanche to retaliate as a consequence, no, it means the other person will have to face their own self created consequences, their Dis-h-Onesty, where at a fork (H) they chose the Mind over Life and in the process they disempowered themselves a little further - and isn't that 'enough'- and should not be anything coming through a vigilante stance on my side as a punishment, where did I get this from, what kind of support would that be?

So, in my next blog I will redefine this word to something that works for myself and others because this way it's not working, this is how I have justified all the self abuse and the abuse of others as a consequence, which was a sequence yes, of my own participation in and as the mind and the living out of this word I have myself accepted and allowed to come to life in very specific ways, but it was a con as well, the con in the idea that as I have had to take con-sequences from others who themselves miss-understood this word, I could now apply to others the same punishing principle in the same way, when in fact this is not how and what this process is all about, acceptance of things as they have always been, nono, this process is about changing what I have been and done that was not aligned to the kind of world I would like to live in, even when I realize I don't yet know how to walk out of this word and my perception and embodiment of it but I will work it out as I go, as I rewrite it to break it down and turn it into a functional self supportive/supportive word for myself and all, Equal and One.

more to come  

 

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Day 255: Fear & Desire of Attention from Men

A few weeks ago as I was walking to school in my neighborhood I passed by a man and he looked at me straight in the eyes and said 'wow, you are so beautiful', he was on the phone, I was early and he put his call on hold to ask me why he had never seen me before and if I was from the area. Since he was a foreigner close to the school that was still closed I said I was going to school and I asked him if he was going to school too, he said yes and I said 'I'll see you there then' and walked away.

When I met him on my second walking round of the neighborhood while waiting for the school to open he stopped me to ask me more information, my heart jumped in my throat and I didn't know what to say when 'out of character' and ended up saying the stupidest thing which was basically 'look I am the teacher and you are a student so keep your place' to which he looked at me widening his eyes and said 'I didn't say anything offensive, just that you are beautiful' but by then I had picked up speed in my nonsense reply and held my ground with 'whatever, it's a matter of roles', a point I myself couldn't even comment on because I was too ashamed and walked away pretending it didn't even happen.

I reacted with pleasure the first round when everything was 'still under control' and fear on the second meeting, I breathed through them both flagging the point to write about it later and then I didn't.

So far I have not received any attention from my students to trigger this Character into action, but last night during class, I noticed a guy -that a couple of weeks ago kept looking at my ass every time I went to write on the board but it didn't make me react-, his interest became more palpable and he made efforts to follow the lesson without disturbing, out of character for him as he was written on the registry as 'a disturbing element', which he most certainly was as he played with his phone and smsed most of the -past- class.

When I go to school I wear make up, I have not yet overcome completely the habit of believing that I am unpresentable and 'out of order' without it, I just make up my eyes not a theatre kind of make up, just a city kind of make up, as I said 'to be presentable' and a bit less weird than I feel for not being aligned to fashion and what is required of an 'Italian woman in public', make up is taught as part of 'personal hygiene' for the brain damaged women of the West, it seems like we have not washed without it and we would be exposed to the public reproach if we didn't comply.


So last night when he was looking to lock my eyes, I went through the reaction first for having made up and then I skipped the pleasurable part altogether and moved straight into fear when he started to make flirty jokes.

I am not 100% sure of the reason for this fear and if I always had it but did not notice because I used to wear my flirty character and always had a clever come back to put men back in their place or to encourage them elegantly if I was interested, and since I joined Desteni and I set aside all relationships with males, specifically because I was a relationship danger to myself and others, this new fear has emerged.



Last night when I said to my class 'ok I will come 1/2 an hour earlier but don't leave me alone here' everyone said fine, sure while he replied "I would never leave you alone', then in these sequence I felt a feeling of fear the fight to suppress it and hide it and then embarrassment, ending in a total loss of control of my emotional experience.


So, how did last night evolve to that point? I don't know, I was very careful to not give anyone any special attention even when he stood up and came to clean the drawing board for me, I did not look at him in any particular misleading way, but as he turned his back I looked at his body from behind and made a mental assessment, I actually saw myself doing that, which I didn't like, I didn't like the result of the assessment either, which was that he had a cool body and he was doable, so maybe I went into embarrassment due to my own internal backchat about him, having taken his cleaning the board for me personally as an 'act of interest' and then feeling obliged to reciprocate the assessment and check where I stood.


I have found myself in some pretty unpleasant consequences in my life due to how I let slide considering all points of a possible physical interaction with men, some consequences I didn't even face, I left them behind for the men to face, in this case I know I would not want to have a fling with a student, another point is how once a man is interested in me, even when I was not interested to start with, his interest in me makes him immediately interesting. Weird.



So I will walk my self forgiveness for my play out with men considering these 2 events.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react with pleasure and a feeling of being 'more' than before the compliment was Paid when I am told 'you are beautiful, sei bella' spoken by a man


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my reaction in self judgement because I am no longer supposed to react, I am above reacting to the compliment of a man and for feeling disappointed at myself I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel at a loss for words when I could not step into the flirty character because I have always and only interacted with men either through disinterest/dismissing them as not attractive or just plain stupid or flirted and I don't know how to interact with a man without wearing a Character/Personality trusting that I can just Self Express without needing to know 'what would be the appropriate thing to say now that I am walking with Desteni in reply to a compliment' which was what I was trying to assess, because when I check in my mind for this feedback, I have only moved away from some of my usual Characters into the Desteni Character which is not fully automatized and as such I saw realized and understood how I desired to play a Character, just the Right kind of Character and not the ones I have judged as bad and abusive, instead of self Expressing beyond ANY Character in the moment in Self trust in and as Breath


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear compliments from men as I fear that I will react with interest, because this is what I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am supposed to do, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I just accepted the belief of those that came before me about relationships between men and women instead of investigating for myself the reason why I should react in any way when someone pays me a compliment and why immediately my interest for them changes as they fulfilled through complimenting me some imaginary requirement for the 'beginning of a potential relationship, be it sexual or emotional' and for accepting compliments as a trigger to my relationship characters/personalities, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire compliments from men as a form of validation of myself as a woman, because a woman should be beautiful to be a woman at all and for then suppressing this desire because I judged it as inappropriate and based on self interest as I wished to be beautiful even if that meant someone had to be ugly by comparison, and for polarizing myself about desire for beauty and fear of ugliness I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the fear rise the first time I met a student in the street, to, instead of breathing thoroughly through the fear and give myself a chance to see what was underneath, to take a self righteous position all the way into 'the teacher role' so I ended up feeling fearful AND ridiculous as I saw what I was doing to try and put this man into a position of inferiority as I feared his compliment may harm me in some ways as in trigger some character/personalities I am aware I have not taken self directive principle over, and for judging myself as ridiculous and then suppressing this whole incident without releasing myself from it, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to diminish another to diminish my own self created fear, instead of addressing the fear at its roots so I would stop fearing another and triggering the desire to diminish him/her in a futile attempt to diminish my fear


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I first discovered that men saying 'nice things' about me would give me a feeling of value and pride, to believe that my value and pride lay in the words I could elicit from a man due to my appearance and for seeking value and pride through the words of another in separation from myself as self worth and self pride, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must wear make up to align with the ideal of beauty of my culture, because I fear being ugly and for believing women with no make up are ugly just because I bought into i-deals I was sold and models of beauty to fit consumerism and the purchase of make up products I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when last night I perceived the interest of one of my student that went out of his way to find the right product to clean the whiteboard for me, to then evaluate him on my mental meat market to see if he was usable, and for seeing myself doing that all the way through assessing his body and how he was moving and not stopping myself with breath to not do to another what I don't want to be done to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he made a joke that 'he would never leave me alone' to feel the activation of my relationship Character and the fear coming up with it as I exposed to myself how much I would like to have a relationship, no matter how deep I have buried this desire and denied its existence so I would not have to face the point that I desire to not be alone even though I fear someone coming into my life and the havoc that a relationship would bring to my still fragile stability and my process of self correction and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a friction inside myself between the desire for the attention of men and the fear of the attention from men and what this could lead to, such as a relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame on men and their being around me, my sense of discomfort as fear that I may be triggered into some personalities I have not yet acquired self directive principle over and that I will be just back at square one, disappointed at myself and perceiving I have not changed, while I in fact have changed and I just have to acknowledge I have not yet come to my 'relationships with men' personalities/characters but step by step, breath by breath I will address those as well until I no longer exists as the fear/desire of being complimented by a man and the fear/desire for a relationship to pacify the fear of being alone for good



I commit myself to use those chances I have now that I am returning to the world to interact with others, to see where and how I need to correct myself regarding 'relationships with men' so I can stand stable in and as breath and not allow myself to be swayed by external event on which I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had no control over

I commit myself to no longer believe that I have no control over my relationship with men and to see realize and understand I can stand in and as self responsibility to change those points as they arise one by one, until I learn to express myself naturally without the need to embody relationships characters or personalities

I commit myself to see realize and understand that everything I am doing to change myself is a process of accumulation and each correction I make to move beyond my self interest to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All accumulates in the kind of person I want to be, standing for what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

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Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self

This is a follow up to my Post "You are nobody till somebody loves you", I will walk through Self For-Giveness my return to self from my accepted and allowed beliefs, idea, opinions and experiences that I allowed myself to exist within and that shaped me into the woman I have become:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, when asked if I had a sympathy at school, if there was a boy I liked, if I was interested in anyone, to under-stand and to believe that I was supposed to feel sympathy, like or be interest in someone because it seemed to matter more than who I was and that I would gain worth and value for myself only by following that path

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself as a child to look around for that boy that I could feel sympathy for, like, be interested in, not from the perspective of me but to find that one missing piece that I was supposed to bring to the chats with my grandparents so that I could find that missing worth and fill my not enough-ness with the information they seemed to look for when talking to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, since this topic of boys vs girls grew exasperated by the Catholic environment I was raised in, where we were in mixed classes but were discouraged to play together, to create a desire to cross the line over the forbidden side of the courtyard, ending up being punished for being too adventurous, while I now see and realize I was not being adventurous, I was seeking attention and recognition from the boys because I had already internalized this point of worthlessness as a woman without the attention of a man as myself, and so I was not seeking to spend time with boys to get to know them, but for the value of me, the worth of me as I accepted and allowed myself to believe in this cultural and then family imprinting of women as worthless

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a boy was present, immediately move into a state of agitation, anxiety, as I would stand to wait for signs to decode about him being interested in me, in him finding me someone he wished to spend time with, as those signs were already becoming vital to a 'positive experience of myself' as worthy and for mistaking the shame I felt as shame for desiring the attention of boys, instead of seeing and realizing I was feeling the shame of my compromise for value and worth to be given to me as I had separated from myself as Self value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Self Value and Self Worth and for feeling ashamed about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I grew up, encode inside of myself all the crappy Love songs of my culture as guidelines of what to look for as value within a relationship with a man, without realizing the songs were full of expressions of instability and mental problems such as jealousy, possessiveness, ownership, longing and I turned this codes into who I became and then sought to find those things that I told myself were signs of love within the relationships I built up, and when I couldn't I would move on, not questioning my starting point but believing 'the other' had not given to me the 'right signs' of love and as such his love could not be trusted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when listening to a song, always try to fit into it, to see myself within it and the experiences I could have if it was me the main character of the song, the woman longed for, never forgotten, the source of jealousy and possessiveness and how I would 'feel' about it and deciding that it would feel good, set out to seek the same dramas that my culture defined as 'Love' to live in my own life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would feel if it was me the centre of so much attention, discarding along the way potential partners that did not live up to such great loves imprinted in and as my Mind, when in fact I myself did not live up to them but in my picking and choosing I would always seek songs that when men sang where about the longing, the love, the craving and when women sang were always about the sorrow, the intensity, the regret and then I went looking for partners that would resonate within my same cultural imprinting so we could play out those scripts together until they turned to the sorrow, the intensity and the regret of the roles I had chosen and scripted for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with jealousy about a partner, to not take responsibility for what I felt and investigate the point to see that I would feel jealous as a comparison with other women from which I came out short in my own self judgement of myself, and since jealousy for me to feel was not part of my scripts because the men were the ones supposed to play the jealous part, I would find excuses and justifications to just move on, fearing that I would have to go through the jealousy experience again if I stuck with a particular partner and overlooking the point if there was a connection that was worth holding on to and learn to grow together in mutual support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of my unstable behavior with men which I could not figure out if it was because I was too interested or not interested enough, to end up walking away at all times as a result of accumulations of backchats and self dishonesty that I ended up blaming on them and that I allowed to become so overwhelming to the point of just giving up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was important and for feeling dishonest because I could not work out in detail what this feeling of 'love' was all about except translate it into jealousy, possessiveness, ownership instead of standing as a stable point of support next to my partners without seeking the illusory world of emotions and feelings as Proof that 'something was really there' because I was not there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be there for my myself or my partners as I busied myself blaming them for not being there for me, when in fact the point was that I was nowhere to be seen and I never considered building a self honest relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, twice in my life, drop my life and move to another country after a man, creating a credit in my mind for which a payback was due and corrupting my starting point both with myself as I took off without ever considering my own life but just the experience I would gain that would give me having a man next to me to me and equally with them, starting with a debt to be repaid, just like the current Monetary System, where nothing is done for nothing and a payback is always due

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my partners responsible for my life, through the justification that 'I gave up my life for you' so I could go on playing the extra romantic woman in love, while in fact I was just creating excuses to not be responsible for myself and the choices I made

I commit myself to establish a self honest relationship with myself, wherein I stand on my own two feet, no matter where I am or where I decide to move to, and to no longer make others responsible for myself or the experience of myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself trying to take off into some mind delusions about Love and memories and the past, to stop, Breathe, realize that I am not giving up anything of value as my memories are behavioural microchips that lead always in the same place where I have been many times before, to failure , and I no longer want to experience failure in relationships as a definition of who I am

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself move into the desire to compare my relationships as a way to feel safer, to stop and breathe through the fear, as the fear I have is the fear of me and I instead look at what am I fearing so I can release myself from it once and for all

I commit myself to, when and as I speak to a man, a partner or a potential partner to make sure I am not reactive, if I am to Breathe through my reactions before I speak or write and then only express myself so I can stop existing as a tornado of disasters because Prevention is the Best Cure.

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Day 198: Evil in Childhood - Hoarding for Value

So, as a consequence of Money and my Under-standing of it as a Child, I learned to monetize everything.

A few days ago at the supermarket a kid was running around his mum pointing out all the offers 'look mum this is only 2.75, muuuumm this is 2.50', seeking for his mother's approval, learning that food has a value, a prize and we have to go for the cheapest one, mum's job is to make ends meet so lives are spent looking for offers, sales, what's cheap this week, what can we afford.

In turn we sustain the 'Economy of Cheap', unaware of the real Costs in terms of Human Lives in the world, because as I tried to explain many times to my idiotic/greedy Italian boss who had set in mind to purchase Metal goods from China at a price lower that the published going rate for Metal, you simply can't. There is a bottom line to cheapness and we have crossed it quite some time ago. When we look for things we don't need at prices that are lower than the cost of the raw material, even if we are ignorant, if we stop to ask some questions we must be able to see that someone must be working 'for free' to manufacture them, just to feed this system that we ourselves have created and become of seeking out bargains, the lower, the lowest price we are willing/able to pay for something and instead of demanding that everything is reconsidered to stop the abusive system we have created, we look for other suppliers, people willing to pay their workers less, give them less benefits, less coverage, less to them so we can have more. But this is digressing from my childhood, so back on track.

When I was a kid I did not take this route, I felt ashamed for my mum always counting money, it was not 'elegant', plus my grandparents who splurged made remarks about people who 'always talk about money' were vulgar, this word in Italian means 'common' in its original root, being common was Not Good, being Above the Common was the desirable condition, so I became the kid that would roll her eyes when questioned about money by my mum and when constantly prodded to realize its value and not the kid like the one above helping out and running from shelf to shelf to contribute to 'money saving' in the understanding of the family situation.

I did that because I could, I lived in between the Third World and the First World, Third Class and First Class, the only thing I had to do was to endure the week, then the weekend would come and I would be lifted out of the Misery of our lives into the riches of my grandparents' boundless lifestyle.

What I did not see at the time, was that my grandparents rich lifestyle and apparent Money 'snobbery' was just another form of Money Fear, they just did not want to talk about it because Italy is Not America, rag to riches stories here underline the RAG and not the Riches, and every Rag-ger wants to forget where they came from, it's important for the Act they are now playing, Old Money and New Money is not the same and doesn't have the Same Value. So everyone likes to forget their roots in favour of the Higher Value they can get for themselves if they can have everyone believe 'they are Old Money' which means REALLY entitled to Wealth and Luxury, they did not have to Earn it, only New Money is Earned, Old Money is given, Old Money it's a State of Mind we all wish to belong to, the certainty that one can NEVER revert back to Not having because there was Never a Not Having apparently within Old Money FamiLies.

So in the attempt to exorcise their fear of Ragging back to where they came from, Money became a Taboo, a thing for the vulgar, the commoners like my mother who did not have a choice but to rag it out because she couldn't work any more than she did, we already lived in the Government Housing, shopped only once a week and had one meager fridge that was plenty for the food we had to put inside, while at my grandparents food was hoarded in 2 fridges, at the time I saw it as a result of the war and having lived hunger, but it was not, it was the pleasure of hoarding what you don't need, they did that with things, plates, glasses, silver, clothes, shoes, jewellery, things that were stored in cabinets and not used, just for the pleasure of hoarding as Value, everything in their house had a mental -and spoken out loud within the family- price tag.

They were worth the sum of their things.

SO naturally, within my possibilities, I became a hoarder too, as a kid I collected water tattoos, I kept them in a pile held by an elastic and showed them to my friends. They were bought at the news stall in small packets of 5, each of my friend could only maybe buy one packet weekly, but me, due to my hidden secret money could buy tens at the time, I would sort out the doubles for exchange and keep the best for myself. Then I would show them to my courtyard friends, I did not use them, I did not like to stick these plasticky things on my skin, I just enjoyed their jealousy and envy, they gave me value, until one day, one of them couldn't contain it anymore the 'negative emotions', broke into my house while we were out and took half of them, my best ones.

I was gutted.

It took some time before she came clean about it and apologized, she even gave me back some of them but they had lost their magic power, they had been contaminated out of my hoarding hands and the 'feeling' I was able to gain from them was forever gone.

The lesson I learned from this as a Child: hoarding must be done in secret to not move too much envy and jealousy -something I have seen later in life is shared by the Chinese Culture for example, not the Italian one- as that leads to consequences such as theft and the 'contamination ' of private property.

Did I question Why I had more rights than other kids to what I had? No. Because it worked for me.

In fact my mum who pushed for me to see the inequality and the point that I had to share was just a loser in my eyes and her behavior was the reason why she had not made it up there where my grandparents were, with 2 fridges and a big house, all her stupid sharing ideas and look where they got her.

And so I made myself into a successful hoarder with a twist, if I lost something or had something stolen I would push to let it go, just so I would not have to re-live the feelings of violation and abuse for having been made to see that Inequality will lead to some not being happy about it that will keep what you lost or steal what you have in an attempt to leverage the play field. because if I did take that into consideration I would have to question if this is a possible way to live, if the thieves are the ones that are committing the crime or if the hoarders are the criminals piling up what they don't need, taking from what should belong to all, just to add value to themselves, a value from which they separated when they bought into the idea that things and money have value and not Life, and by accepting this belief condemned themselves to seek to pile up the value for themselves leaving some out in the cold fending for their lives. Which was what I did.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my value lies in what I have and what I can accumulate as a sign that I am not common and as such not 'vulgar'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define 'vulgarity' as being Money aware, instead of seeing and realizing that vulgar means Common and that not having Money or not having enough is Common and therefore there is a system problem in the way we are managing this world

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I didn't copy my grandparents behavior I would be left with my mother's behavior that led her to a life of financial misery always trying to make ends meet, which was something I feared

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear having to make ends meet and not having enough for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define pleasure through hoarding in the hope to make others jealous and envious because those emotions showed me I had more, was more and therefore worth more than others in my search for value above others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek value for myself above others through hoarding what I did not need

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, collect things that I did not necessarily want or use, such as water tattoos, just because others wanted them and within me having what other wanted I was buying value for myself and leaving them value/worth-less

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a kid, feel resentment for my friend that broke in and came and took from me what was the source of the ill feelings she felt, so she could stop feeling the way she did, which I wished for her to feel, because in her feeling less through jealousy and envy I got to feel more about myself and for wishing others to feel less so I could feel more I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the resentment I felt was for myself, for having created such a situation of inequality, of hoarding beyond my needs something I did not care for, just so someone else could feel bad about it so I could feel good, and for desiring to make others feel bad so I would get to feel good about myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make my grandparents 'more' than my mother in my eyes, just based on what they owned and possessed, instead of seeing and realizing it was because they felt less that they hoarded stuff to feel more about themselves by showing off and making others uncomfortable about what they possessed, that others did not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my attempts to diminish my mother in my eyes and make it her fault that she did not have access to the same things my grandparents had, so I wouldn't have to make it my responsibility to stop the crap of diminishing others through possessions but I could instead join in with my grandparents who had more and with whom I felt less afraid that I could be out in the cold any moment if I did not have Money to take care of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to change my Hoarder Personality into a Discreet Hoarder personality in fear that what I hoarded would be taken from me, instead of stopping the hoarding altogether so that I am one less leech on this planet that goes for what is not needed in a planet where some can't meet their needs so that some can have all their wants fulfilled

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I let go of my ability to accumulate something, which is just food at the moment, then I would be in danger for my life, I would have to fear what would happen to me if I did not have 'more than enough' stored away and I didn't want to face this fear and come to terms with it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my life as my ability to earn and produce money and then spend it on things that I don't need or even want, instead of stopping and realizing that if I am driven by the desire to own things I don't care for, who and what is driving me if not myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have been driven into owning, possessing and hoarding by and through a system that needs my "desires to be more" activated and then maneuvered into an answer that is Money and Stuff that I need Money to access, so that I can become a faithful servant to this system of consumerism, playing my part in the game of purr-chasing substance for my own energetic experiences, instead of stopping my desire for my energetic experiences so that I can no longer be moved or used as a pawn to keep this system in place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the next thing I get will make me happy, even though so far no 'thing' I got has had any lasting 'happy' effect on me, including food

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be run by the fear of not having enough, of not being enough, of the future of what can happen to me within a system that clearly doesn't support anyone that doesn't have money in their pockets, instead of standing for a solution that can in fact stop this fear for all so we may start to rebuild a world that is not driven by desires to be more but by the Equality and Oneness of the Life we all share

I commit myself to stop buying and hoarding what I don't need and this includes food, as I see realize and understand that there is no reason but Fear driving this behavior and my desire to be more, which has now manifested in me being more, fatter in fact, so I can show myself that no one needs more than what is required to live and that pretending to give up hoarding, turning my hoarding to food is not working and is no longer an invisible hoarding and is just a visual reminder of what I have to let go to stop my self created brainwashing and mind control

I commit myself to myself, to support myself unconditionally through this transition from a hoarder to a common sense being, stopping the judgements of myself for what I have done and what I have been, which stand in the way of my change which is best for me and best for all

I commit myself to embrace myself during this transition, giving myself the support I want to see in this world for myself and every living being, Equal and One

I commit myself to support an Equal Money System and to explain to all those ready and willing to hear, why and how we need to change individually to become the bricks that can sustain a New World, where fear will no longer exist for anyone and Life will be born from the physical to reclaim this World once and for all.

Related articles

• Day 197: Evil in Childhood - Under-Standing Money
• Day 90 - Parents Suffocating Life
• Day 189: Social Engineering - The Illusion of Choice
• Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa
• 198: After Death Communication - Part 47
• Day 195: The Evil in Childhood

Day 194: You can always find the Evil behind the Good..& not viceversa

Today I have listened to one of the Amazing Interview by Anu, titled "The Key to Life through Evil", it was a pretty amazing experience.

A few days ago I had listened to the "Force of Good", which was awesome too, but it didn't hit me in the same way, it is possible that I was hit more specifically by "Evil vs Good' just as a build up, because the 'Force of Good' felt disturbing and for sure I split while listening to it -the usual disappearing act-, not because I am not aware of the Evil of reality or of this Creation as Ourselves, just because it felt a bit like the news, too much bad/negative information in one go to process.

I have had very bad back pain for some time now, it is possibly a posture problem, I have added a cushion just because my mother commented that I was not sitting at the right height the last time she saw me, which was true, but it was a height and a stretch my body had adjusted to, and then I had a series of new adjustment pains that took over everywhere, from the back into my shoulder blades and my neck, it got better only when I stopped writing for a while. On the point of pain I need to write out as well, I have developed a personality with a High Pain Threshold, the Brave One -apparently- and take some pleasure in enduring my personal 'hair shirt', the proof of my endurance under the least auspicious of conditions. But this is for another Blog.

The point of today's Blog is the point of Evil, one sentence was particularly poignant in the interview and hit home: "you can always trace Evil back from Good" and interestingly enough, not viceversa.

You can't find anything good in Evil -no, positive thinking delusions and optimism do not apply as we are talking Reality in this instance-, in fact it is even truer that you need Evil for Good to exist.

To feel good, you must do something 'good' for someone who is 'out of luck' or 'feeling bad', there is never an example where Good can exist without Evil/Bad/negative being there first to create the very condition for Good to exist.

After the interview I had my own personal example. I boarded an almost empty bus and sat down, I still have issues with sitting down because my mother would make me stand as a kid because 'I did not need to sit' in case someone who needed the seat more than me, young and vibrant, would board the bus. If I had been allowed to sit, at the view of someone 'less fortunate' in age or physical condition I would have to get up and give my seat, my mum would give hers as well all according to 'who was the least fortunate', if she was, just by the fact of having a kid and possibly being loaded with bags, there would be a mental 'need' contest to assess who had more 'rights' to the seat. So I have 'seating' issues still and when I sit down even in an almost empty bus, I feel slightly guilty.

After a couple of stops a hoard of students boarded the bus, one run to sit in front of me, the bus filled up and all seats were taken, his friends gathered around him and one of them started to talk about his injured leg and how he should sit down as he was still recovering from an operation, his friend was laughing and trying to pretend he was not concerned, listening to his Ipod and looking out of the window.

Of course all my seating issues kicked in, so in my mind I went through the following backchat

• I should stand up and give him my seat - this was followed by another thought that said -you are just feeling guilty- which was true and the point was I would have stood up in guilt

Then I thought,

• if I get up I will be doing it 'to teach his friend a lesson', to show him what HE SHOULD HAVE DONE, that would be nasty

Next thought

• "he is playing the operation story to get a seat'

So I am debating with myself until I find another thought which is 

• 'why isn't his friend getting up to give him His seat?" 

This thought was the one that gave me the most relief, I had CLEARLY assessed that it was Not my responsibility to do something about it. Basically this is what goes on through our Minds on a daily basis, no matter what the subject is, we chat with ourselves until 'we feel better' about something, no matter what that entails, how much we have to 'wrong' and belittle someone else, all is fair and square until it happens in the 'secrecy' of my Mind.

The fact that such backchats has been glamourized by Hollywood in movies or series such as Ally Mc Beal, where everyone finally got to SEE what was going on through someone's mind in FACT and not the outer presentation alone that was offered, it's worrisome, we are making movies about our Mental Sicknesses and attempting to 'normalize them', just because everyone does it, it doesn't make it Normal or any less Nasty or acceptable that we have a whole parade of Personae in our Mind talking to each other, we are just one degree away from Schizophrenia, the Schizophrenics are just unable to manage the secret chit chats 'inside' and they start to externalize them, this would be just about the 1 degree of difference that exists.

The fact that we are now a few steps ahead of our Madness doesn't make us any less mad, the new trend is 'to declare' our thoughts out loud 'I said that to make you feel guilty haha', "I said that to make you feel jealous, to make you suffer, to make you miss me'', 'I know I was manipulating him/her but I did it for his/her own good', we have an infinite list of declaration of apparent 'innocence', we insist though to never question Who we really Are through everything that goes on in Our Minds. Luckily implosion is what lies ahead for All of Us, we'll get to the point of being unable to contain the crap that we circulate back and forth and we'll be forced to face it, it happened to me, if you can hear don't wait, THAT is not the best of experiences and is NOT necessary either.

Back to today's incident, what I showed myself is that whatever choice I believed I had while 'thinking myself out of that situation', such as the ones offered by my backchat, once I start thinking, I Have In Fact NO Choice, because every choice offered is only for Me, this guy wasn't even in my pictured Mind reality, one choice was to do the 'right thing' so I could feel Good about Myself, One choice was to Not do the 'Right Thing' because I saw myself wanting to do that and so I could use that point as my justification to Not Act, Another Choice was to believe he was Lying, which would solve the question right out since he would then be At Fault and the last most relieving thought was 'it's someone else's responsibility to do the 'right thing', all this of course from a starting point of having decided what is the right thing to do as a kid when my mother made me do Her Right Thing so She Could Feel Good about Herself. 

Plus, if I had managed to feel good about myself by standing up, I could have done so only in the face of something bad, in this case 'an injured guy'.

SO, where is the choice between Good and Evil if not A Joke? Within our Minds, there is No Choice, there is Only the Evil Choice of the Self Interest of ourselves or the implanted choice of another in the process of feeling Good about themselves, and why are we seeking to feel Good? If we were honest about our lives, we could say that most of the time we don't feel Good hence we seek the Evil, the Bad, the negative as a stepping stone into 'our imaginary goodness'. Or we seek for it in another, failing to see we are just projecting ourselves in a Mirror, it's never about another, everything that happens in Our Minds is Who we Are.

We have to give up our Minds, our own existence as The Mind, what goes on there is not hidden, it's in full display in this World and obviously nothing to be proud of.

Today one of my friend who is not walking process with Desteni came to a self realization 'We need the Poor people, we need the ones that are one step below us, unluckier, more distraught, because this is HOW we make our own lives bearable'. So in self Honesty each one of us can see the truth of Ourselves and why we need to change, there is No Good to Save, we can safely move on, nothing of Value will be lost and we'll have to lose it all, face the Fear of 'Losing Our Minds' to walk into Life as Life.

So, for those interested in unveiling the truth of this existence, support yourself with the Interviews available at Eqafe, they are Not Uplifting, reality can't be uplifting, this is why we made up so much crap to cover it up, but it is liberating, discovering that you are Not Mad after All but just plain Evil in Disguise is the way to go, Life can be reclaimed by Each One of Us, skip and hop over the Good, that part is Not Real, so we can all get down to the nitty-gritty of our own Evilness and stop this Creation that is manifesting outside the Truth of our Being-ness inside, until we change that, nothing will change, and as everyone can see a Change is required, the sooner we get on with it, the more chances we have to save something of ourselves and of this world with and as us, so we may create a World where Evil no longer exists and Life is Honoured in a World that is Best for All.

Tomorrow I will walk my Self Forgiveness for the Evil as Me. It will sure take some posts to unravel that.

Related articles

• Evil has Become Much Stronger than the Good
• 194. Let the Mask Fall!
• 195. The Righteousness of Evil
• Day 173: The Queen of Spades - Looping Memories as The Shackles Within
• Facing the Evil within - the KEY to Self Awareness - Day 188
• Comparison is a Bitch - Day 212