I was born in a working family, my
father left home when I was 3, he said he would go and buy cigarettes
and never came back. I have no memories of him leaving us, except the
justifications I had to make at the Catholic school where I quite early
took a stand for my mum when I perceived they looked down at me, and
therefore us, for not having a father. When I was 6 she met another man,
a gambler, she believed she was worth led because she came with a
daughter and so asked him to only contribute to the household for the
food costs, she told herself that it was because she did not want him to
interfere with my education but I can dissect her patterns being mine
as well and these were the real reasons,
first,
she feared of asking too much, like Equality in the relationships,
where both partners share an Equal financial burden because her value
was diminished by having been 'the woman of another man before', the
nuns told me that love (meaning sex) is like a lemon and every time you
squeeze it there is less and less juice to give. This is actually an
underlying belief in our culture, I have heard many men, even friends,
say, "I don't like second hand goods:, so my mum was a second hand woman
in her own eyes and worth less than a first hand.
Second,
she wanted to feel fair and just, by taking the burden of me on herself
since I was a burden and the result of a mistake in judgement, and not
inflict this on others who were innocent of the crime of poor judgement
and inability to keep a man.
Third,
he was handsome, intelligent and educated, someone she wanted to keep
and so she would twist and turn to keep this one and not have him leave
like the first one.
Fourth, having a
man again contributed to her sense of worth, as a woman with a man is
worth more than a woman without a man, as the one without a man must
have something wrong with her or she would have a man, pretty faultless
cultural logic.
When L. joined my
family we lived in a government housing, that was vacated when my
grandmother moved upper class, in a new apartment that she bought with
her second husband.
The apartment was
small, overlooking the church, I had my own room and my mum slept in
the dining room where there was a sleeping couch that would come down at
nighttime.
We overlooked the church
football field, another trick of the church to get the kids to actually
attend indoctrination, tit for tat, you'll learn about Jesus and the
Wrath of God and we let you play football.
Within
the government housing we were the most well off family, plus my mum
could play the piano, which had been part of the enforced education of
my grandmother who was born poor but ambitious and wished to give to my
mother the education of the rich people, because it's the education that
gave women who were not born rich, more chances to get the good party
everyone is after, so on with the elitist required education of piano
playing. As a result of the enforcement my mum played but did not enjoy
it until later in life, when we lived in this apartment I remember her
playing the piano many times on Sundays or when I was taking a bath, I
enjoyed that, not the music particularly, but the piano playing as a
sign of wealth, or the perceived wealth in a housing estate where every
evening people would be heard screaming and threatening each other at
dinner time. Music in my home was a sign of education and superiority.
From there we moved to another
government housing estate closed by, when we arrived there, with the
piano, we became the stars of the estate, 4 of the 8 boys in the
courtyard would be flirting with me at all times, each in their own
disturbed way, to get my attentions, as I was the new comer and all the
excitement of the ones that had lived there for long had already
evaporated.
The most common ways that showed a
boy had an interest in you went from calling you names and making fun of
you in front of others (this was a dead giveaway) to threatening you
physically. One of the boys in the courtyard would hit me at any chance
he had, my mum never intervened as she believed everyone has to learn to
fence for themselves in this life, she stepped in only when he once hit
me in the face. I remember walking to his mum's home with my mum, and
my mum showed his mum my face as the line she was drawing, to which she
replied 'you know, he does this because he REALLY likes her', my mum
said she did not care and the next time he would touch me in any way she
would report him to the police.
AT 12 my breast started to grow,
they nicknamed me 'Dairy Farm', I felt very offended by these comments
and tried to hide my growing breast in any possible way, until it
stopped growing, I stopped at a B cup I guess out of the fear of what I
would have to hear if I grew breasts beyond the C cup. My best
girlfriend in the courtyard had an E cup on a much smaller frame than
mine, she ended up walking curved trying to not show her breasts, which
was impossible, the jokes about her cannot be repeated, she lived as the
shame of breast most of her life and ended up with back problems
considering a breast reduction she never got around to, due to the cost
of the elective surgery.
Puberty was just hell.
When
I had my period the first time, my mother called my relatives to inform
them, it was an event (?), I was the only daughter and granddaughter
and it seemed this was an information that marked something, a right of
passage, from a child to a Miss, I could not yet understand what was
supposed to change for me within this point if not my now ability to
procreate, which put the fear of God in me as I was told I now had to
be 'more careful' but not HOW I was supposed to be more careful in
detail.
I remember a pair of white
doll shoes from my first communion that I wore for a few years after,
unil they fit, my pictures of that time showed me not being comfortable
with myself or my body, I grew very tall very fast in a country of short
people and I disliked being taller than boys as all the pictures of
perfect couples or famous lovers showed the man was taller and bigger,
instead I wore a size 9 of shoes and my hands and fingers were longer
than most of the men I compared them with. I did not like to be big, I
would have liked to be small and petite in frame to not be standing out
as I was by the age of 13, my mum often told me the fairy tale of the
ugly duckling that was in truth a Swan, I waited to become that Swan and
to feel like that Swan, I waited for my self worth to kick in based on
images and expectations of how I shoud turn out being born out of 2 tall
good looking people. The Swan feeling never came true.
In the second apartment where we had
moved, there was an extra room, we exchanged with an old couple that no
longer wished to walk up the 4 flights of stairs and got our smaller
apartment on the first floor, we were further away from the Church, we
could still hear the bells but they were no long the oppressive time
marking presence in our face they were in our first apartment.
The
area were we lived was poor, I lived a schizofrenic life in more than
one way within this rough neighborhood, day time I went to the nuns
private school, they taught us about being good and nice to our parents
and all the good crap, when I got out of school I faced the rough
neighborhood in which I feared to even go out of the courtyard, which
was a cement square with a green patch at the centre, few trees and the
altar to mother Mary with little lights that would be turned on in the
evening.
We were not allowed to step
on the grass, we could sit on the cement border of the grassy square
within a square but not walk on it or touch the trees (2) or the altar
of Mother Mary.
All the apartments
had a balcony that looked into the courtyard, so at any given time, some
of our parents would be there looking down at us and what we were
doing.
Outside of this courtyard
there was the real world, not the nuns or my mother's Pollyanna
imaginary place, but the world of survivors, my mum had her bike stolen
over 20 times, she would just go and buy another used one at the market
where they sold the stolen bikes, she did not even get too angry about
it, except maybe a couple of times on 20 bikes, she saw the
Inequality of this world
and counted stealing as what some just have to do to live and some, on
the luckier end of the Spectrum, just had to endure, it could be worse,
we could be the one having to steal to survive.
My mum did not like to live, she
found the world a place of too much suffering, she did not have the
comfort of religion because as a separated woman living in sin with
another man, it had been made clear to her that she was not in the
position to take the Holy Communion and she stopped going to Church. She
did not push me to go too much either, even though parents in Italy had
given to the Church the authority to teach
Good from Evil
and hoped the church would carry more credibility than they did
themselves and be more succesful in this endevour. My mum thought she
could teach me good and evil herself and pretty much reduced it to
Jesus's teaching to "not do to another what you don't want done to you".
This was on the good days of the teachings, on the days she was
Possessed and
came up with paranoid stories about what I had done wrong or intended
to do while pretending to do something else, all fabrications of her own
mind that upset her greatly, Jesus was overlooked in favour of her need
to offload all the frustrations of her life. This is why as well
possibly she hated me so much when I said I no longer wanted to live
with her, as that moment marked the manifested consequences of our
relationships of violence and abuse, and once we are faced with
consequences we are no longer able to overlook how we have participated
in a relationship, I know because this is how I felt when my husband no
longer wanted me back, manifested consequences just suck yet they are
the only way, it seems, we can come to terms with our participation in
and as this system of abuse and stop.
I
feared my neighbourhood extensively, people were getting shot
regularly, beaten to the point of having to go to the hospital, domestic
violence toward children and spouses was the order of the day and we
did not have the priviledge to live in a community like my
grandmother's, with glass gates and a lift that took each one in their
own apartments were abuses happened secretly, no, our lives were the
lives of a courtyard, everyone knew everything of everyone else, so
The Family Abuses
went with the shame of knowing that everyone knew, that things could
not be kept hidden, when there were fights in my home, my mum used to
say "Ush, or people will think we don't get along.." this used to turn
into a comical moment for me, a moment in which I would laugh
wholeheartedly and increase the beatings as my mum felt mocked and it
was NOT the right moment, but to me it just seemed too funny to pass,
meaning there had been screaming and crying and shouting but it was only
when she was coming out of a moment of possession that she would think
and worry about 'what others would think', because did it matter others
thought we were not getting along ? Didn't it matter that we were in
fact NOT getting along ? Does the thinking of others about our lives
make it more real, the knowing of others of what we do not want them to
know, does it make things more real, do we fear exposure to others or to
ourselves, in fear that if others know, the games are up, there is
nothing that can be hidden anymore, we are fucked into having to face
reality for what it is and has become, a mess we need to stop and self
correct because it is what We think that is killing us, what others
think is killing them, so each one of us has to do the stopping of their
own participation in and as the Mind of
Thoughts , Emotions and Feelings and
Energy games to rewrite ourselves and the World One and Equal into What is Best for All.
Will continue on my neighbourhood tomorrow
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than
others who had a father because having a father was a requirement for
being worthy and I believed I was not worthy or my father would not have
left me/us
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless
because my father left us/me, instead of seeing I felt worthless in
separation from myself Here in Breath, as Self Worth
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to believe I was a burden because my mum told me I was
an unexpected pregnancy and that when she believed she was pregnant
again she vowed her diamond to the Virgin Mary asking to be graced and
NOT have another child, as I was more than enough
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to feel sad thinking "I was not wanted by my mum and I
am worth less than all the other wanted children in the world"
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to believe I was worth less than the 'wanted children of
the world' and for wishing to have ben wanted as a way to perceive a
worth I believed I did not have, having separated myself from Breath Here and myself as Self Worth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of where I grew up
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more
than the people in our Government Housing and for priding myself that my
mum could play the piano as a way to define myself as more than the
others living in the same place who did not have mothers who could play
the piano
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women
with children are worth less than women without children when looking
for a relationship, because they are second hand women
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there can
be second hand women or second hand citizens instead of seeing All as
Life One and Equal
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sex/relationships is like a
lemon that the more is squeezed the less is left of love to give because
within this belief I associated love and sex and I associated women who
had multiple men with desert zone that had been squeezed out of any
juice and had nothing left to give
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman with a man is worth more than a woman without a man
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a
separated/divorced woman is worth less than a woman who has not
separated or divorced because the one that did not, shows she was able to
'keep a man'
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "keeping a man: is a
sign of worth and that women who kept a man are more worthy than women
who did not
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to live
somewhere else that was more 'respectable' because I accepted and
allowed myself to believe that respect is something that comes from my
living situation meaning that the ones that have poor living conditions
do not deserve the same respect as the one living in rich conditions and
within this I failed to see there is only Self respect and the rest is a
delusion of and as separation from me Here in Self Honesty as Self
Respect
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I
was receiving a superior education, in terms of cost of my private
schooling, I was worth more than the kids who did not receive a private
education
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more
worthy than the kids of my courtyard because I feared having to face the
same poverty and the same choices they made in order to survive
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the
friends from my private schooling to my home and showing them the
neighbourhood in which I lived
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my
mother for not providing better living conditions for us even though I
could see she worked like a dog and did everything possible to make our
home nice and comfortable and that the problem lied within this system of
Inequality I had accepted and allowed as' the way things are'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for projecting my
Anger onto
my mum for our living conditions, which I saw as unfit for us, instead
of seeing those living conditions were unfit for everyone and it was
not about desiring to make something out of myself to escape the misery I
had walked on the side, but to stand up for a World that is Best for
All so that noone should have to live and experience themselves in such
conditions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as the Shame of my
Relationship with
my mum that did not match the stories of happy families the nuns were
telling us, even though I could see that noone was having those
imaginary happy families lives and so I should have seen the lie of this
whole system of abuse instead of trying to replicate imaginary
standards of relationships later in life to prove to myself my worth and
that I could infact fit into the ideal human being image of myself I
was told I should shoot for, the perfect consumer within a world where
only what you own and have access to through Money, defines you
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others
people thought and how they judged me when my mother would scream at me,
because I believed they would think I was worthless or my mother would
not be shouting and screaming but she would be quietly loving and accepting me
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to live a secret life of dis-order to hide what was
going on inside of me because it seemed I was the only one (apart from
my mum) unable to cope and for desiring to take others down with me by
making nasty comments about them in my secret mind or to others
to prove that they too had a shitty life they were hiding and noone was
in fact better than me, to stop myself from feeling worse than them
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to participate in and as family dramas believing those
dramas to be me and who I really am and for accepting and allowing
myself to carry the
Memories on in time as a justification of my limitations and why I turned out the way I did
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to blame my mum for what went on inside of me instead of
standing up and taking self responsibility to change myself and
stopping myself from existing as a Mind Consciousness System instead of
existing as
Life Here in every moment of Breath
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because
of my desires to be more, that I compared to my mother's quiet acceptance
of her condition, because I saw myself as ambitious and saw my mother as
generous in her acceptance of her placement within the world systems
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that
wanting a better living condition is bad because I should have accepted
my system placement instead I see wanting better living condition is
what everyone should want and stand up for, for everyone One and Equal
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ditch some of my
boyfriends because they coud not guarantee to me that they shared my
same drive to get out of misery because like my mum they had accepted
their world placement and were just trying to make it work
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had
to look out for myself because I accepted and allowed what I learnt in
my neighbourhhood, that you cannot trust anyone and unless you take your
education where it's worth something you'll end up the underdog of the
underdogs due to your education that they see as a threath to their
living conditions
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear educated
people as a threath to my living ability because if they knew more than
me in a world where you either have money or education, then my survival
was not assured
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my survival
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some
deserve an education because they are bright and some do not, instead of
seeing that it is our environment that shapes our ability to learn and
that we need an environment of support for everyone so our learning
ability will no longer be impaired by our living conditions or our fear
of survival
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust anyone
because I did not trust myself that I could stand up and do the right
thing as What is Best for All, having become aware that everything I do
is always motivated by self interest and my fear of survival
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe
that relationships between men and women are based either on mocking or
shoving each other around with words or through violence because this
was the model I grew up with
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by
the nickname 'Dairy farm' as if I had done something 'wrong' by growing
breast as that meant entering
The Sexual Arena with men and being
expected to start a further separation to prevent accidents like
undesired pregnancies
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to believe 'periods' are something to celebrate as our
ability to give birth to some one else that ends trapped into this
system of abuse, because we have accepted and allowed ourselves to see
the value of pro-creation without investigating who and what are we
pro-creating for
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to fear pregnancy and pregnant women as they were the
statement that sex happened and they fucked up and I had a physical
revulsion for them until I was in my late 30s
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to fear children because I have never believed in their
innocence due to my recalling my childhood and my own manipulations and
deceptions to get what I wanted so I feared manifesting for children the
same disgust I felt for myself as a child for having given in to the
required behavious and programmed reactions instead of living in and as
Breath Here in every moment
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my childhood
and myself as a child not giving myself the benefit of the doubt that I
may infact be preprogrammed to behave and think in a certain way and
that I could correct myself if I could find the tools to do so
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to abandon myself as a child because of the hatred that I
felt for myself for my own betrayal of Self as Life
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to not embrace myself unconditionaly as a child and for
blaming my mum for not doing for me what I was not willing to do for myself, I now walk to
embrace myself unconditionally as a child and as an adult
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mum
was less worthy than other mums who only had one husband, just because
she believed it and I took on her beliefs about herself
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was a
whore because my mum called me so instead of seeing she believed this
about herself and projected it on me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suffer because
my mum was not well
and I struggled with all the stuff that was going on in our home, until
I hated myself for what I put up with in terms of my participation in
the patterns of suffering and self abuse
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mum who
hoped and tried to keep our troubles secret when I also always wanted to
keep my troubles and the truth about myself secret so I would not have
to fear the judgement of others, which was always only my own judgement
of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement and for judging myself and others one and equal
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to
fit into a model of beauty and acceptability that I believed and married
into about how I was supposed to look, what size of breasts I should
have and when, and that my period had to be celebrated, even though all
these were nothing but signs and symptoms of an enslavement I was giving
into willingly, in fear of not fitting in and not being able to be
accepted and liked and be able to survive
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the underdogs
movies, because this is how I saw my life and I rooted for the ones who
made it out of the shithole we are born into, instead of seeing that
common sense would be that noone should be born into a shithole or have
to endure a life of fear just so we may one day switch from underdogss
to wealth, leaving all the underdogs behind because we accept and
believe this is a dog eat dog world
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this is
a dog eat dog world and that I must get on with getting how the
underdogs move up into the world because in this I have accepted that I
have to do anything and everything to get myself out and make myself
fine and leave everyone behind, the ascension principle
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that
everyone has the life they deserve when I finally made it out of the
underdog world, as a way to justify why I now had what half of the world
had no access to and why I had come to accept the world as it is,
simply because it worked for me
When
and as I see myself enjoying or moving into satisfaction about an
underdog who made it out of the shithole, I stop, Breathe, remind mysef
that when I allow myself to feel good about one who makes it while
billions don't, I am supporting this system of abuse, instead I now use the
underdogs stories to flag myself points to which I have not yet equalized
myself as I see the fear of living the underdog life that makes me
desire to get out of it at any cost
When
and as I see myself fearing or about to move into fear regarding going
back to the Underdog world, I stop, Breathe, remind myself there are no
Underdogs but a world of Equals in the making and that I am applying
myself to self correct all the judgements that keep me separated from
this reality as me, so I may become Equal to this reality and when I
correct myself this reality shifts into correction One and Equal to me
I
commit myself to stop dividing the world in underdogs and wealthy,
losers and winners and stop my participation in the comparison system
that decides who is who according to a Money/Value system that I wish to
change into
What is Best for All,
to return to everyone Equally their right to Life and to guarantee that
noone is left behind within the New world we are building through and
as the Change of Ourselves as the World, Equal and One.
