Day 111: How Much do You Love Me/Fear Me, Dear?

When I was a kid my relatives used to ask me this question :

HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME? - 

'ME' was always replaced by a function, a role such as 'MUM/GRANDMA' or a NAME, this question was always spoken at the third person as it would be suitable to Royals (fuckups, in this case).

When I look at myself experiencing this question I can clearly see the FEAR, I see my FEAR that I would pick the wrong answer as the Implied/Required AMOUNT of LOVE to show as a testimony of the tie, the bond of the FamiLie That keeps us bound together, within the pretense that, at least within the Family, we are SAFE, all is good, we don't have to FEAR each other.

My replies were always SAFE describing a HUGE QUANTITY of LOVE, "I love you to Infinity, to Eternity, like the World, like the Universe"- that's how much I FEAR you as well, as I see my thoughts and calculations about this simple answer and so I imagine you are thinking and calculating too but I am too young, I lack Data, cannot compute the dangers YOU could expose me to in detail, so I FEAR you like The World, the Universe, to Infinity while we lie to each other to stop the Fear, to pretend that all is FINE, that we had no reason to FEAR to start with, REJOICE, LOVE is HERE.

I FEARED my mother all the time, I feared she would leave me somewhere and not pick me up and I would not survive, when I was a kid and they taught me where I lived in case I got lost and noone would care for me I lived in FEAR that I would forget my name and where I lived and that I would be left alone in this Fearful world, I feared new things/new people because they would bring up the FEAR of not knowing how to relate, how to behave, if I had the right character set in place for the required interactions. What if they did NOT Love 'Me'? Who will take care of Me if they don't Love me, aren't only the ones that Love Us the ones supposed to care and feed us and clothe us? Who will I 'Belong' to when the Ones that LOVE 'ME' and to whom I 'Belong' won't be not around, whose responsibility am I if not the one of those that claim to LOVE me? Stick to them Ele, give them what they want, LOVE Them, whatever that means.

I Feared to be asked HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME, and that I would know that whatever I said I knew I was lying, I feared my lies as a kid, the lies that I said to guarantee that I would be kept and fed as I had no tools to evaluate WHAT would happen to me if I said 'I don't love you', I don't even understand what this loving business is all about short from the fact that I am supposed to feel good because you feel good when I say 'I Love you like the World, the Universe, to Infinity...and MORE' and watch You Adult giggle, relieved for a moment from your Fears, of this world, of this existence, of ME, the FEAR that you too could be left out there in the Truth of The World with NO MONEY in your pocket and then you would face how far the Love you are piling up as a blanket against the Cold of Fear would take you.

I feared being told 'I Love you' too as I KNEW that there is always a REASON for such empty statement, as its hooks are clear and visible and that the bashing starts with the loving, where I was held Hostage or as I Hold Another hostage of a 'good' feeling and an obligation now that I spoke the spell 'I Love you', come on lay down your arms, look at me, I'm not a menace, I love YOU, even when you don't DESERVE IT, -parents tell us this, they have all twists and turns around the loving concept-, I Love You EVEN NOW, EVEN IF YOU 'DON'T DESERVE IT, I LOVE you because you are MY Kid, it's my obligation/duty/job to Love YOU NO Matter WHAT. No MATTER What.

And that would be about the only honest thing we say about Love, 'No Matter Wha't, because Love doesn't MATTER, it's an idea, it's a belief, an OPINION that we pass on to Each Other, to hide the dis-ease of FEAR that we then call LOVE to ensure FEARS are never spoken about out loud because as Adults we have not yet found ways out of them, but we have the LOVE to trade, the Jack of All Trades, when FEAR comes up, trump the Love Card, it's a winning move, everyone freezes, everyone rolls over and takes whatever follows in the Love footsteps, SPELL IT RIGHT, L O V E, and then look innocent, as it takes a lot of guts to keep the LOVE lie going, looking INNOCENT AND MEEK is KEY, or I/You will Remember the Truth of the Lie and run away from LOVE as much as I/You run from my/Your FEARS.

Self forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Desteni

Equal Money System - To STOP all Fears

Day 22: Rotten Fruits - Sugar Granny and Sugar GrandDad

One way I was aware things were not right within my family were secrets. Secrets become burdens, I was burdened as a child, I was keeping everyone's secrets, the small and the big ones, I was always asked 'don't tell.....', and I wouldn't tell.

One thing I was not supposed to tell, was the amount of sugar I had access to when staying at my grandparents, we would go shopping at the supermarket and I would have free reign to fill the cart with ALL the candies and sweets I wanted, this way after lunch or dinner, I would sit quietly on the couch going through my packs of candies while my grandparents watched what they liked on TV, I would be excluded from having a say on what I would have liked to do or watched on TV because I had already been given a treat, the sugar, and I wanted ongoing access to this treat, funny I just misspelled the word treat as threat, they are just one 'H' away, when I look at the H it looks like a stair, and it looks like a bond of two 'I" joined together yet kept at a lenght, so a threat is a treat that threatens the Ego, while the treat is a treat that soothes the Ego, it only lacks the conflicting Egos, the 'I's as they have found one common ground, a compromise, a way of treating each other, a Treaty in the shared Mind Conflicts, A Treat.

So, what is the threat behind the treat ?

The treat is the undeclared threat about what not to do, you shouldn't be asking anything, you should be compliant, pleasing, in your place, appreciative of the Egos of the owners of the House and grateful, you should be keeping the secrets of what goes on inside this particular household, do not tell another that gossips is going on about them, sugar is to shut our mouth, to give us the sweetness that is taken away in the trade for sugar, the loss of Self, of the pieces we trade in suppression that leave us bitter and angry and then the sugar comes in as a compensation.

I took to the sugar extensively, I asked my mum today and she told me, we never had much sugar at home, so my sugar Highs happened mostly out of Home, with the money my other grandfather gave me and I could hide because they were 'a secret between me and him', childhoods are spoilt either by money or sugar or both as a reward system, I would see the sugar point mostly as the rubber tape on my mouth, this is the image that comes up, and while I stuffed myself with sugar, my family's secret rotted and festered inside of me and I rotted and festered with them in my own self judgement of my disloyalty and corruption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade sugar for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bribed by sugar as a treat so as to never become a threat to the family fake balance made of lies and personality play outs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep secrets suppressed about what was going on and the comments made for which I did not stand up in exchange for sugar and treats

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe life was bitter and I had to sweeten it with sugar and treats

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel dirty and heavy due to the secrets I agreed to carry to not upset anyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade my self honesty for candies and for a reward system that started with sweetening my perceived bitterness of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask my grandparents to stop the gossiping that weighted on me because I feared I would no longer have access to their treats and their love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sugar and food to loving instead of seeing the bribery and manipulation of the reward system that I have lived one and equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be accepted and for this desire accepting to give myself up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that as long as I had enough everything was fine with my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare the sweetness of sugar to other foods and for preferring sugar to other more nutritional foods that were supportive for my body because I was after a high

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get high on sugar trying to leave behind the conflicts of me as the Mind that made me feel Low

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of Highs and Lows, fearing the Lows while wishing for the Highs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept Life as simplicity here in and as Breath because I was always looking for the next fix to feel High

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Sugar until my body gave in under the Abuse and manifested brain problems in the form of  inflammation of the cortex for which I had to take pharmacological tablets for a year or more (while I still ate sugar in hiding)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body with sugar until I had my appendix removed due to inflammation of my guts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself unconditionally and being in a constant state of anger and disapproval of myself that  I wished to sweeten up with all the sugar I could get my hands on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not control myself with sugar because I liked the way it made me feel as a compensation for a life of misery that I myself created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to binge on sugar no matter what my body tried to tell me in oh so many ways about how I as the body felt when I introduced excessive amounts of sugar in my system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because I was unable to control myself regarding my use of sugar , even when I felt sick and sickened by it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat sugar in secret in fear I would not be allowed to eat such large amounts and I would have to get to feel lousy as a result of not having access to such extensive amounts of sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt when the school doctor told me I was fat and asked my mum when did I start to get fat, because I felt ugly for being fat and I stuffed myself with sugar to forget about what I felt when he said 'you are Fat'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fat and for vomiting after I overloaded with sugar in certain occasion in fear of the manifested consequences of my sugar addiction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my eating disorders on my family instead of seeing it was not the eating disorders of my family eating me away but the mental and emotional patterns they have passed on and that I have accepted and allowed as me, as who I am, that led me to the same behaviours of suppression through food and sweets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my secret eating disorders that I did not want to disclose to anyone, not even with my friends who came and told me They had eating disorders, a point I dismissed for them as 'you are just having a good time' , because I feared having to look at the truth of my own eating disorders and why I was suppressing myself with food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food and sugar as a buffer between me and men because I did not want to have to face being attractive and what I would do with that power with the kind of mindset I lived one and equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting a job, because a job will get me slim again and then I will have to face this point of suppression about men and Relationships that I was not ready to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a relationship and for suppressing this desire with food because I no longer think I am worthy of one and  do anything to prove i am not starting with making myself unattractive (which is a point of worthiness) through food and sweets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that attractiveness, meaning my ability to lure men into a sexual and emotional  trap, makes me worthy, instead of accepting me as Self Worth Here in Every Moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress me as Life with Food and Sugar, forbidding my self expression as I accepted the suppression pattern as a child when I accepted my first sugar bribe in exchange for me as Life Here in and as Breath

When and as I see myself desiring food as a way to escape or to suppress something I feel or think about, I stop, look in self honesty at what am I trying to suppress and address it self honestly in writing and self forgiveness and correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to justify why it would be Ok for me to eat when I am in fact not hungry, I stop, look at what pattern I am trying or planning to try to stuff down with food, sit down, write it out and if I cannot, I speak it out loud until I start to clearly see what bothers me in self honesty so I can address it when I can in writing, apply self forgiveness and correct myself

I commit myself to find ways to support my body with food as what is best for both, Mind and Body, as the Mind is not my enemy and the Body is my Support and together we can work and stand for What is Best for me, meaning in giving myself the support I would like to receive, and What is Best for All

I commit myself to investigate all my Food Patterns until I can stand clear about Food as me as Support, and no longer separate myself from Food as Support, making of Food an Enemy or a Partner in crime against me as the Body

I commit myself to no longer make anyone else responsible for the way I eat and support myself and to Stand in and as Unconditional Support of myself and others Equal and One for What is best for All.