Day 436: Suppressing In Fear of Expressing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use suppression to sweep what I perceive as negative emotions/negative experience/negative perceptions of myself under a rug, separating myself from the moment in which I could instead stand up within myself and address it to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept to deal with suppressed points only when the experience becomes too uncomfortable to handle as in physical pain and within this for feeling angry and living one and equal to the anger I feel when physical pain manifests in my body as a result of my own participation in suppression and my wanting to separate from parts of myself I don't want to deal with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at what comes up within me because I fear my own judgement of not walking process effectively, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that it is in the suppression that I become ineffective and not in the unconditional acceptance of what comes up within me so I can change it and change my relatonship to it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress thoughts and beliefs about myself which are not supportive such as 'I am not good enough' or 'nobody loves me' because I feared dealing with the experience they bring up inside of me that can go to anything from self loathing to bulimia and within this for not supporting myself to delete the thoughts and beliefs I have participated in because I believe they were really who I am and I was one and equal to them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I can't still be dealing with this' attempting to put a time frame on my process and how I 'should have walked it', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one determining how I walk it and what I can take on and it is a matter of pushing my perception of the 'I can't deal with this' moments in my day until I can deal with them all equally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated when someone tells me that 'I just have to bring it back to myself' or that 'I have not yet taken responsibility for something', blaming them for the irritation I feel instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in that moment irritated at myself because the process I am to walk is clear and hearing what I have to do when I know what I have to do makes me irritated with myself for having dealt with something in suppression instead than dealing with something as the self directive principle of myself to change the relationship I had created in the past to a thought to defuse the thought of any emotional content, to empty the tought of the parts of myself I had invested into it and deleting the thought once and for all

I forgive myself that I acceptedand allowed myself to deal with relationship issues through supression because I thought 'I am not going to walk this AGAIN', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if I am walking it again, I have just timelooped into the same experience because I had not directed it from the past into the present into a solution, where I rewrote the script for myself to make sure I did not have to deal with the same stuff again but sort it out in writing and self forgiveness to prevent myself from having to live it out again in the physical to prompt myself into a correction of course

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to embrace suppression as an effective tool for dealing with my stuff as I proved through my living, my choices of drugs and mind altering substances, always in the direction of suppression, in fear that I could become like my mother and over express, over analize, becoming overwhelmingly emotional instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my mum could not deal with her emotions because she didn't have the tools I have and that analizing or expressing what is really going on within me doesn't mean I will walk her same path but that I give myself a chance to not become emotional as I sort out my issues one by one at the source through directing them to a solution beyond polarity

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind rides because I never knew where I would end up instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the purpose of this process is to map my mind so as to always know where I will end if I take a specific ride, because I have identified the signs clearly and within this for accepting and allowing myself to make myself less than my mind in fear that I could not control my way through it instead of seeing realizing and understanding it is just a process of patience to come to know myself inside and out until the mind mapping will be complete and I will be able to navigate it fearlessly at any given time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress extensive anger for the creators of this existence because it seemed unbecoming to feel such rage at every new discovery of what else they did to make sure we never got out of this maze, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have equally participated in this mess by accepting and allowing myself to engage in this creation and that the rage I feel is a projection of blame for everything that doesn't work inside of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it doesn't matter what has been and who did what, but only the solutions we can find out of this to return life to the physical and recreate what it should always have been in self responsibility, honoring ourselves and each other equally to create a world we ca be proud of

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that suppression is just a time delay mechanism I have set in place, where I allow things to fester to a point where I can't let them go anymore and that I would make my life so much easier if I addressed each point that comes up in the moment to prevent accumulation and the sense of uselessness I had to face in the past when things to deal with seemed to have become too much, too many, to be spread in too many directions while I could have handled them much more easily if I had dealt with them all, one by one, as they came up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the word 'responsibility' as in 'fault' and for having associated the word 'responsibility' with 'fault', so that when anyone brings up the point of 'it's your responsibility' I react as if I have been blamed, as if I have done something wrong, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what they mean to underline is the opportunity, is the fact that I have the response-ability to deal with the specific point that came up and see how I can find the solution within it that works for myself and others equally and walk the point to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energies in my solar plexus and in my body to a point that it almost felt normal to live with such 'charge' and within this for accepting and allowing myself to turn my body into an energetic facility where I keep manufacturing energy from friction and internal conflicts ending up believing that once I am charged, I have to suppress or I could blow up like my mother used to do and within this for living in fear of this charged body and the pains that manifest within and as it because I took pain as consequence as fault as something to blame myself for, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding pain as a point of support, to show myself which systems I can address next and to test if I have addressed that specific system to a solution as I defuse the pain with self forgiveness and the applications of the tools I have learnt

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my physical pains as a sign that I am not walking my process effectively , which leads to my desire for suppression because I don't see any other way out of it, instead of asking for support from others who can see more than what I can see at the moment to address those pains and walk myself out of them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear some of the inexplicable pains I feel in my body for which I lack a frame of reference, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can work to develop a frame of reference to map out my pains the same way I am doing for my mind as I have seen, realized and understood that most fears come from not knowing what is going on within and without me and within this for having supressed myself from searching for physical solutions because I judged seeking physical solutions as a sign of having failed in my process or I would not need a physical solution in the first place

When and as I see myself suppressing, about to suppress, wanting to suppress a thought or an emotion or an experience that I have judged as 'negative', I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am facing my own self created definition of a thought/emotion or experience and that I need to stop, redefine my experience in the moment by looking at it, unraveling its content and then forgiving it, committing to live new statements and definitions of and as myself that are supportive and not damaging/unsupportive

When and as I see myself attempting to suppress a moment I am sharing with another because I am aware I am reacting, I stop, breathe, tell myself and if possible the other that I have to get back to them on that specific point, commit to not suppress myself but to sort myself out and readdress the point when I am no longer reactive

When and as I see myself about to wave something away, I flag the moment to become aware that I am wanting/trying to suppress something I have judged as 'inappropriate/negative' make myself aware about the point I am wanting or desiring to suppress away and deal with it in writing using the tools I have learnt to support myself into a solution

I commit myself to walk the path that is required to teach myself to stop suppressing myself, to see the points coming up, to breathe instead of suppressing and to change the points of suppressions or attempts to suppress into points of self support  and self intimacy and unconditional self acceptance of myself and the process I am walking out of myself as the Mind into Awareness, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One

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Day 435: Deleting the 'Mean' from the 'Meaning of Consequence'

This is a follow up to my Post The Meaning in Consequence - link at the bottom.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live consequences as punishment, as required atonement, as someone else's idea of what I had to endure for what I had done, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that consequence just means an accumulation of a series of events that lead to a specific result

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create consequences for others when I believed they were getting out of a situation without 'footing the bill', because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that consequence meant a debt that was created and had to be repaid by myself or another, either through negative emotions or by public exposure

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did not put someone through their 'consequences' they would never 'learn' what they did and within this for filing a memory of my step grandmother rubbing the face of her puppies in their pee, so they would learn through 'consequences' that they should not pee around the house again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, think and plot about how I could create consequences for my little cousin who I perceived was loved and always considered, while I perceived myself to not have part in the same experience in my home, by throwing his toys down the balcony and then blaming him so he may have 'to face consequences' as punishment, like I did all the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'he/she/they should not get away with this so lightly' and for wishing the punishment of people that I perceived had done something wrong, instead of questioning why we were trapped in a cycle of punishments for our miss-takes vs creating support to correct ourselves

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges as a way to bring about 'punishment' as 'consequence' for people I interacted with that I perceived did something wrong,  because I feared that if I didn't they would walk all over me and they would not respect me as someone they shouldn't be messing with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recreate the same pattern over and over again, without questioning it, with my mum because I made her the cause of this pattern in my mind and within this made her the one that should take back what she dished out to me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, no parents is born with a manual and they will repeat the mistakes of those that went before them until someone breaks the chain and stops the patterns in their tracks

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and live one and equal to that anger when I saw someone unwilling to live through the consequences I felt entitled to dish out for them, because it seemed unfair to me that I walked through consequences as punishment, as the guillotine, self inflicted by myself every time I made a mistake, using negative emotions as a form of punishment and leverage of my mistakes and within this for wanting others to do the same, to not skip gingerly the step of discomfort to move on to a solution without the 'atoning part' as in 'punishment' and within this for binding myself and others to punishment instead of the required support to see and correct our mistakes, without using negative emotions or positive feelings to move out of them but simply assessing reality, the potential damage and the correction required to be implemented in the moment to allow everyone, included myself to correct ourselves and move on

When and as I see myself about to judge someone/something so I can assess if what is happening is right or wrong according to my own ideas/beliefs/expectations or moral stance, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have no clue about what another is going through and why they are taking a specific stance and if I still see they made a miss-take, I check to make sure I am not reactive or embodying a specific personality and then, only then, if I can, move to assist another as myself in and as support

When and as I see myself about to engage the 'consequence construct', I stop, breathe, see in myself how I have scripted out my Sf and correction, look for points I may have missed if I feel the grip of the construct still has a hold on me and continue to investigate it and purify it until I stand absolute as support and not as a vigilante of my own and other people's actions

When and as I see myself projecting on another possible motives for their actions, I stop, breathe, take the projection back to myself and correct myself in the moment to not use another to take a distance from my own responsibility for the patterns I need to address and change within myself

I commit myself to design myself as a pillar of support, to delete all previous attachments I had to the word consequence as ideas, beliefs and memories and to walk myself into and as a punishment free-supportive stance for myself and all of existence Equal and One

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Day 430: The MEANing in ConSequence

(Missing blog  429 walked privately for now.)

I have already attempted this redefinition, recently though I found myself in a position where I saw clearly that I still have definitions attached to this word that do not mean what the word itself means and I act them out, which is unacceptable and not who I want to be.

Here is the dictionary definition of this word

1. a result or effect of some previous occurrence

2. an unpleasant result (esp in the phrase take the consequences)

3. (Logic) significance or importance: it's of no consequence; a man of consequence.

4. (Logic) logic

 a. a conclusion reached by reasoning

b. the conclusion of an argument

c. the relations between the conclusion and the premises of a valid argument

5. the relation between an effect and its cause

6. in consequence as a result

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

---

con•se•quence (ˈkɒn sɪˌkwɛns, -kwəns)

n.

1. the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier.

2. the conclusion reached by a line of reasoning; inference.

3. importance or significance: a matter of no consequence.

4. importance in rank or position; distinction: a man of consequence.

_______________________

When I looked this word up on the dictionary I was very surprised to not find its 'negative meaning' and wondered where did I get that, how did I place a negative charge on this word, so I looked it up in Italian and I found it has additional meanings where it is explicitly said 'effects, direct or indirect, usually of a negative nature' as in repercussions or negative result of something.

'Effetto diretto o indiretto, spesso negativo, di una situazione, vista come causa sicura o possibile: questo guaio è la c. della tua leggerezza; se la sono cavata senza gravi conseguenze'

I found out as well that we lack the last meaning of this word, we cannot say 'a man of consequence' because that wouldn't mean anything in Italian and that if I clean this word out of all the rubbish, it just means effect as in cause and effect, meaning what comes after a cause in a logical sequence of events.

My relatives always used the word Consequence to mean 'something negative will follow if you do this, you can't even imagine what's in store for you if you do this - meaning, what we will do to you', they used it as a threat, a warning, on occasion, when playing nice, a veiled way to say that something would be coming out of my actions and would not be good and mainly it would be coming FROM them.

When I was in SA and one day Leila read out loud an article on parenting about how parents were abusing this word to 'train their children through punishments they had replaced consequences with and how this screwed up in the child the whole concept of what a 'consequence' is' - I had a blip moment and could not compute.

I asked her to please give me an example and she did, she read the article that said 'you can tell your children that if they write on the wall there will not be chocolate cake', and I went, yes, wouldn't that be a consequence, like if you do this - that will happen?' and she said NO, the consequence is that the wall will be dirty and you will either have to live with it or clean it.

At the time this was a revelation in logic for me, a revolution in fact which left me quite pissed off as I pondered how many times I had been punished with the whimsical fantasies of my educators rather than shown what consequences really are, supported to see what I would have to face if I took a specific action and asked if I was willing to live out the 'obvious outsome', the con-sequence (which taking con as the Latin prefix meaning 'together with' it would mean the 'string of events' leading up to a specific result) and how I had attached a truckload of negative value to this word.

So, in a discussion with my buddy, what I saw is that I still live out this definition, that I believe that consequences are la -re -mise-en-place of someone who has gone off line, who has wandered out of a construct without permission and needs to be put back where they are supposed to be, put back in 'their place', obviously this treatment includes myself.

The way I have played out my consequences so far is by subjecting myself to self judgement as I have already written or to negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, self blame, something to remind myself that I was wrong, that I SHOULDN'T have done a specific thing and of course, as I do it to myself, I do it to others as well, when I reach a specific point of reaction something snaps into 'that's it, they should have seen it coming' meaning it's 'Their consequence, they created it for themselves' when in fact it is not, it is my punishment, consequence doesn't mean that if I am called names I have carte blanche to retaliate as a consequence, no, it means the other person will have to face their own self created consequences, their Dis-h-Onesty, where at a fork (H) they chose the Mind over Life and in the process they disempowered themselves a little further - and isn't that 'enough'- and should not be anything coming through a vigilante stance on my side as a punishment, where did I get this from, what kind of support would that be?

So, in my next blog I will redefine this word to something that works for myself and others because this way it's not working, this is how I have justified all the self abuse and the abuse of others as a consequence, which was a sequence yes, of my own participation in and as the mind and the living out of this word I have myself accepted and allowed to come to life in very specific ways, but it was a con as well, the con in the idea that as I have had to take con-sequences from others who themselves miss-understood this word, I could now apply to others the same punishing principle in the same way, when in fact this is not how and what this process is all about, acceptance of things as they have always been, nono, this process is about changing what I have been and done that was not aligned to the kind of world I would like to live in, even when I realize I don't yet know how to walk out of this word and my perception and embodiment of it but I will work it out as I go, as I rewrite it to break it down and turn it into a functional self supportive/supportive word for myself and all, Equal and One.

more to come  

 

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Day 426: Is this a Man's World?

OK, so this point came up as I exchanged email with my closest male friend who still lives abroad, a point about relationships with married men and how women always seem to get the short end of the stick and I realized I have a cultural, deep seated resentment toward men, really old stuff that goes back to grandma's comments and to watching my mother lock herself in the bedroom on Sundays to wail, because her relationship was not working out.

This led me to not want to become 'that kind of woman', the victim, the abused, I would have much rathered be the abuser if I had to pick one side but to be the abuser and walk away 'being right' mountains of blame toward med had to be built and kept in place.

This is a new point that opened up for me as well in my comprehension of process about what memories really are and how comes we have always some handy to justify ourselves and our behaviours with and the nasty suspicion that it's not memories that created our characters, but that we chose the memories to support the characters we decided to embody, either out of fear or self interest or both.

This would explain the memories that we seek to justify some points about ourselves, including the hidden blame we can always project on our family line for who we have become - like 'I am a bitch because mum and dad', because sister and brother, because my husband etc. vs I'm a bitch, period. How can I change?

So, as I wrote to my friend, women hate men because..., I pretty much laid out for myself the list I will be self forgiving here below to let go these excuses I held on to, to authorize myself to abuse men as a prevention tactic, as a gender retaliation, ending up turning good men into a shadow of their former self so I could prove, beyond any reasonable doubt, that I was always right from the start and that the easy-peasy lives they enjoyed in my eyes were not deserved but just a revolting repeating gender oriented favorable happenstance.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the decision that I would never be abused by men, like I perceived my mother to be, without seeing, realizing and understanding that in my decision to not be this, I automatically embraced its polarity to be 'that' instead and I moved on the polarity stick from the abused to the abuser

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that men were never the cause of my mother instability but she was the cause herself and hence the blame I laid on men regarding my mother's mental health was misplaced and then justified into existence to support the righteousness of my 'men abuser' character

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I feared being like my mother, as in subject to the storms of emotions and feelings that relationships with men generated within her and that due to this fear I created a distance that was impossible to close by any man I came in contact with, because I feared that letting anyone too close would mean I would lose control of my emotions and feelings and within this for believing that I could ever lose control of myself because I was subjected to another gender for my unpredictable and unavoidable reactions instead of realizing I always had a choice

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to justify this resentment toward men by seeking out singularities such as rapes, or betrayals or dishonesty of some men to then stretch these behaviors over the whole gender to the point that, when good men came into my life, I lived to find in which box of misbehavior I could place them - because they were surely mis-behaving I just needed a little time to pile up the right evidence about it, even if that meant fabricating some

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I did not trust men was because I did not trust myself that I could control myself, my thoughts, emotions and feelings and within this for blaming them in advance in case I failed to stick to the behavior/principles I would have liked to walk as myself but did not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, say and write that women hate men because of the rapes, because of the inferior position they hold in society, because of the shit jobs they have to do, the gross jokes they have to endure, the lesser pay, the ideals they will never be able to embody like the Magdalen or the Virgin mother, between which we swing like puppets trying to fit some ideal unreachable roles designed to keep us in a position of inferiority and subordination without seeing, realizing and understanding that men were born in this world just like us while the abuse was already going on and some did not have the guts to go against the flow and be pariahed by other males who embraced their 'superior' role

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe 'it's a man's world' and within this for feeling jealous for not holding the same potential for power, envious for starting disadvantaged and within this for accepting and allowing myself to accept my powerlessness and inferior position in society just by believing this construct and validating it with my emotional experience without seeing, realizing and understanding that parts of me were invested in the very construct I loved to hate

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world was created with 'men on top' as it is proven by all the phallic symbols as freaking obelisks pestering our planet and that they too walked into this world with roles to fill that were designed to make them feel inadequate one way or another because this world is designed to make sure many fail so some can have it all beyond any gender based considerations

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much friction I held on to inside myself with regard to this topic which would become obvious during the ladies nights in which we spent all our time belittling men because we knew/feared they would get together and belittle us, call us whores and bitches and we wanted to play their same game, seeking the equality we aspired to in the abuse and making sure we would never be less abusive than they were so at least, somewhere, we were equal

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent men in general for my unwanted pregnancies because it did not seem fair that we shared one deed but I would be the only one left with the consequences and within this for wanting to blame them so I did not have to blame myself for not taking precautions because if they did not think about it, did not do it, neither was I required to as a matter of 'justice'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and my body while seeking to be an equal to men in engaging in demeaning one night stands that would end up with me being the one playing the game of 'I won't call you anymore' or 'you were so irrelevant' trying to make myself feel better as I pretended to be able to play the same mind games, no matter how much they hurt me and another equally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up anger toward men as I grew up and watched our comic movies in which women were always represented as pretty and dumb, half naked, around men who told them 'double entendre' jokes they were too stupid to get and within this to extend to all the Italian men a contempt that existed in and as me, assuming they were all the same, before I even came to know them in person to assess in reality who and what they were all about

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not acknowledge that there are men in this world who are ashamed of what goes on with the extensive debasing of women because those men did not fit the profile of the men I loved to hate and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that despising men was a woman's duty because we had to side with each other making the crime against one or some, the crimes of all that we could use to hold men in contempt and as an excuse to abuse them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, when I was in Asia and watched men moving away from their Caucasian wives to marry Asian women, it was not because they were weak or idiots but because they were tired and could no longer put up with the never ending fight that western women waged against them as a way to get even, not seeing, realizing and understanding that even Feminism was a Consumer prop that we have blindly ridden because, as expected, it justified the hatred already existing within us that we never questioned or sought to stop

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that all men are guilty until they prove their innocence, a condition I would not want to live out for myself and within this for subjecting another to what I would not like for myself in the name of gender grudges and righteous retaliation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question my stance against men because it had become natural to me and specifically for not taking note even when it was obvious that there was a manipulative retaliation going on within my relationships, because I managed to keep the relationships with my male friends unaffected by these behaviors to prove I didn't hold anything against men per se but my grudges were specific and justified, when in fact I did

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be at war with half of the population of the planet, always assuming that they only wanted sex and using sex to manipulate them and their behavior and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that women wanted sex as much as men but we rather blamed them for the desires we did not want to own up to, in fear of the labels we have associated with sexual desire and the honest expression of it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges against men for my own desires which I projected on them so I would not have to take responsibility for myself, my thoughts and my own actions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear relationships in case they would bring up my automated men bashing behaviors and within this for not addressing this point before but instead making another victim on the way in the hope to not have to confront myself and how I have lived and justified my behavior toward men

When and as I see myself having a reaction to a man during a conversation or an email exchange, I stop, breathe, look for what triggered that reaction within me, seek the point where I felt diminished, discounted, belittled and apply self forgiveness on the point to stop blaming another gender for my own self created experience of  and as myself

When and as I see myself wanting to reply spitefully, ironically or sarcastically to a man, all signs that I am reacting to our interaction, I stop, breathe, look for the points that I am using to try and allow myself to be rightful about what I was intending to do and in one breath, refuse to accept to play my own self programmed role as a men basher

When and as I see myself thinking or about to think in judgement about what I perceive as a hateful comment a man made about a woman/women for the right retaliatory answer, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am not aware of what is going on in this man's world or mind and that I cannot assess clearly yet if my perception is even valid, so I stop, breathe, commit myself to investigate my perceptions to defuse any and every reactions I find in them and to walk my correction about men until I can stand with them as an Equal

I commit myself to no longer BeLieve that men have it easier than we do and when they obviously do, to see, realize and understand that being a man, a woman, part of the Elite or of the poor was just part of this Life roulette we have accepted and allowed into existence, and as I seek my own forgiveness for the part I have played, so I have to give it unconditionally to others until we can all stop playing our pre-programed roles and step up to becoming Life Expressions, Equal and One

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• 7 Year Journey To Life Process

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