A Director's Journey to Life: Day 426: Is this a Man's World?

OK, so this point came up as I exchanged email with my closest male friend who still lives abroad, a point about relationships with married men and how women always seem to get the short end of the stick and I realized I have a cultural, deep seated resentment toward men, really old stuff that goes back to grandma's comments and to watching my mother lock herself in the bedroom on Sundays to wail, because her relationship was not working out.

This led me to not want to become 'that kind of woman', the victim, the abused, I would have much rathered be the abuser if I had to pick one side but to be the abuser and walk away 'being right' mountains of blame toward med had to be built and kept in place.

This is a new point that opened up for me as well in my comprehension of process about what memories really are and how comes we have always some handy to justify ourselves and our behaviours with and the nasty suspicion that it's not memories that created our characters, but that we chose the memories to support the characters we decided to embody, either out of fear or self interest or both.

This would explain the memories that we seek to justify some points about ourselves, including the hidden blame we can always project on our family line for who we have become - like 'I am a bitch because mum and dad', because sister and brother, because my husband etc. vs I'm a bitch, period. How can I change?

So, as I wrote to my friend, women hate men because..., I pretty much laid out for myself the list I will be self forgiving here below to let go these excuses I held on to, to authorize myself to abuse men as a prevention tactic, as a gender retaliation, ending up turning good men into a shadow of their former self so I could prove, beyond any reasonable doubt, that I was always right from the start and that the easy-peasy lives they enjoyed in my eyes were not deserved but just a revolting repeating gender oriented favorable happenstance.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the decision that I would never be abused by men, like I perceived my mother to be, without seeing, realizing and understanding that in my decision to not be this, I automatically embraced its polarity to be 'that' instead and I moved on the polarity stick from the abused to the abuser

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that men were never the cause of my mother instability but she was the cause herself and hence the blame I laid on men regarding my mother's mental health was misplaced and then justified into existence to support the righteousness of my 'men abuser' character

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I feared being like my mother, as in subject to the storms of emotions and feelings that relationships with men generated within her and that due to this fear I created a distance that was impossible to close by any man I came in contact with, because I feared that letting anyone too close would mean I would lose control of my emotions and feelings and within this for believing that I could ever lose control of myself because I was subjected to another gender for my unpredictable and unavoidable reactions instead of realizing I always had a choice

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for reasons to justify this resentment toward men by seeking out singularities such as rapes, or betrayals or dishonesty of some men to then stretch these behaviors over the whole gender to the point that, when good men came into my life, I lived to find in which box of misbehavior I could place them - because they were surely mis-behaving I just needed a little time to pile up the right evidence about it, even if that meant fabricating some

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I did not trust men was because I did not trust myself that I could control myself, my thoughts, emotions and feelings and within this for blaming them in advance in case I failed to stick to the behavior/principles I would have liked to walk as myself but did not

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, say and write that women hate men because of the rapes, because of the inferior position they hold in society, because of the shit jobs they have to do, the gross jokes they have to endure, the lesser pay, the ideals they will never be able to embody like the Magdalen or the Virgin mother, between which we swing like puppets trying to fit some ideal unreachable roles designed to keep us in a position of inferiority and subordination without seeing, realizing and understanding that men were born in this world just like us while the abuse was already going on and some did not have the guts to go against the flow and be pariahed by other males who embraced their 'superior' role

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe 'it's a man's world' and within this for feeling jealous for not holding the same potential for power, envious for starting disadvantaged and within this for accepting and allowing myself to accept my powerlessness and inferior position in society just by believing this construct and validating it with my emotional experience without seeing, realizing and understanding that parts of me were invested in the very construct I loved to hate

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world was created with 'men on top' as it is proven by all the phallic symbols as freaking obelisks pestering our planet and that they too walked into this world with roles to fill that were designed to make them feel inadequate one way or another because this world is designed to make sure many fail so some can have it all beyond any gender based considerations

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much friction I held on to inside myself with regard to this topic which would become obvious during the ladies nights in which we spent all our time belittling men because we knew/feared they would get together and belittle us, call us whores and bitches and we wanted to play their same game, seeking the equality we aspired to in the abuse and making sure we would never be less abusive than they were so at least, somewhere, we were equal

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent men in general for my unwanted pregnancies because it did not seem fair that we shared one deed but I would be the only one left with the consequences and within this for wanting to blame them so I did not have to blame myself for not taking precautions because if they did not think about it, did not do it, neither was I required to as a matter of 'justice'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and my body while seeking to be an equal to men in engaging in demeaning one night stands that would end up with me being the one playing the game of 'I won't call you anymore' or 'you were so irrelevant' trying to make myself feel better as I pretended to be able to play the same mind games, no matter how much they hurt me and another equally

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up anger toward men as I grew up and watched our comic movies in which women were always represented as pretty and dumb, half naked, around men who told them 'double entendre' jokes they were too stupid to get and within this to extend to all the Italian men a contempt that existed in and as me, assuming they were all the same, before I even came to know them in person to assess in reality who and what they were all about

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not acknowledge that there are men in this world who are ashamed of what goes on with the extensive debasing of women because those men did not fit the profile of the men I loved to hate and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that despising men was a woman's duty because we had to side with each other making the crime against one or some, the crimes of all that we could use to hold men in contempt and as an excuse to abuse them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, when I was in Asia and watched men moving away from their Caucasian wives to marry Asian women, it was not because they were weak or idiots but because they were tired and could no longer put up with the never ending fight that western women waged against them as a way to get even, not seeing, realizing and understanding that even Feminism was a Consumer prop that we have blindly ridden because, as expected, it justified the hatred already existing within us that we never questioned or sought to stop

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that all men are guilty until they prove their innocence, a condition I would not want to live out for myself and within this for subjecting another to what I would not like for myself in the name of gender grudges and righteous retaliation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question my stance against men because it had become natural to me and specifically for not taking note even when it was obvious that there was a manipulative retaliation going on within my relationships, because I managed to keep the relationships with my male friends unaffected by these behaviors to prove I didn't hold anything against men per se but my grudges were specific and justified, when in fact I did

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be at war with half of the population of the planet, always assuming that they only wanted sex and using sex to manipulate them and their behavior and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that women wanted sex as much as men but we rather blamed them for the desires we did not want to own up to, in fear of the labels we have associated with sexual desire and the honest expression of it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges against men for my own desires which I projected on them so I would not have to take responsibility for myself, my thoughts and my own actions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear relationships in case they would bring up my automated men bashing behaviors and within this for not addressing this point before but instead making another victim on the way in the hope to not have to confront myself and how I have lived and justified my behavior toward men

When and as I see myself having a reaction to a man during a conversation or an email exchange, I stop, breathe, look for what triggered that reaction within me, seek the point where I felt diminished, discounted, belittled and apply self forgiveness on the point to stop blaming another gender for my own self created experience of and as myself

When and as I see myself wanting to reply spitefully, ironically or sarcastically to a man, all signs that I am reacting to our interaction, I stop, breathe, look for the points that I am using to try and allow myself to be rightful about what I was intending to do and in one breath, refuse to accept to play my own self programmed role as a men basher

When and as I see myself thinking or about to think in judgement about what I perceive as a hateful comment a man made about a woman/women for the right retaliatory answer, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am not aware of what is going on in this man's world or mind and that I cannot assess clearly yet if my perception is even valid, so I stop, breathe, commit myself to investigate my perceptions to defuse any and every reactions I find in them and to walk my correction about men until I can stand with them as an Equal

I commit myself to no longer BeLieve that men have it easier than we do and when they obviously do, to see, realize and understand that being a man, a woman, part of the Elite or of the poor was just part of this Life roulette we have accepted and allowed into existence, and as I seek my own forgiveness for the part I have played, so I have to give it unconditionally to others until we can all stop playing our pre-programed roles and step up to becoming Life Expressions, Equal and One