Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character

Follow up to the Blog: The Solitude of Prime Numbers (link at the bottom of page)

When I bring this Character Here, images of my mother and myself as a Child pop up.

Fear Dimension

To be put in a boarding house

Fear of Loss

To no longer 'be liked'

To be a burden

What will I do if I can't stay here

Thought dimension:

Picture (could be a composite)

My mother screaming at me and her face going evil, her hands trembling, her eyes changed while she raised her right hand to hit me, me covering my face while she hit me where I did not protect myself with my hands and the contact of her hand with my face, the physical pain and the physical shame (don't know how to express this because I don't remember this as an emotion but as a physical being ashamed for her to hit me that way)

The Backchat dimension

Why is she saying this?

She doesn't love me

If she loved me she would....

She doesn't care about me

As soon as I can I will leave and never look back

You are Evil and Cruel

I hate you

I don't need you

I don't need anybody

I'll show you

You'll see, one day I will just leave with no notice

Imagination Dimension

Me having Money to be able to leave
Me already grown up and living alone

Emotional Reactions

Emotions of Anger/Rage

Overwhelming Sadness, Pain

Suppression of the sadness and rage so as to not give her 'the satisfaction' of having made me suffer like I perceived she wanted to

Removing myself physically from the event fearing I would not be able to suppress with 'dignity'

Physical Reactions

Stomach tightening
Chest tightening
Feeling constricted in breath
Heat in my face and ears

Consequences

Emotional build up

Toxic relationship build up that as it became heavier I no longer knew how to address

Overactive Mind activity

No trust in others as I didn't trust myself for my extensive back chat against my mother even though on the outside I 'looked normal'

Not wanting to get close to anyone for real because if my mother had a desire to hurt and harm me, what about strangers, how could I ever trust anybody for real?

Fear of relationships and commitments

Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be put in a boarding house and for fearing that I wouldn't be able to get over having to separate from my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of my relationship with my mother and for fearing 'losing my mother'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my mother would stop liking me because I could not compute getting so angry at me and the things she said that I took personally, with going back to 'business as usual afterward'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy and paste this aspect of 'letting hell lose' and then pretending that it was all 'business as usual' because I have not taught myself how to resolve and address conflicts and I feared my emotions and my internal experiences that I did not understand how to manage and release

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do to others what was done onto me, even if I know it was not done with the intention to hurt and harm but just as an outflow of emotional/energetic build up, because this is what I have done myself as and when I allowed myself to be possessed by energetic builds up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed and let go of the steering wheel of myself allowing thoughts, backchats, emotions and feelings to drive me instead of me being the self directive principle of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was a burden, because soon or later anyone gets rid of their burdens which ties in with the fear that they would get rid of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own survival because if things had turned too bad I would have had to leave and I did not know where to go and what to do because I was a kid and I had no access to money or my independence or my right to survive and I feared having my life depending on a woman that was not stable and I did not know what would do next as I had not yet worked out all the triggers, until I did and used them in spitefulness and retaliation and for this I forgive myself

- to be continued

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• Day 119: Addiction to Energy
• Character Dimensions - BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
• Day 119: Suppression Character
• Day 110: Control and Self Control Character Self Commitment statements continued...
• Day 190: After Death Communications - Part 39
• Day 192: After Death Communications - Part 41
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Day 132 - For-Giving the Desteni Character

Fear

Thought

Imagination

Backchat

Reactions

Physical

Consequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Desteni Message, because this message implies Self responsibility and I fear having to become Self responsible for myself and the World, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to superimpose my previous knowledge and information about Doomsday, Reward and Punishment, onto the Desteni information within an attempt to decode what the message was about, in fear that I would not be able to understand it, unless I interpreted it through everything I knew and believed to be The Truth prior to joining Desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dropping my knowledge and information and stand in and as Breath to HERE/HEAR the Desteni message because I believed that unless I decoded it through prior knowledge and information, I could not understand it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death and the Afterlife and for believing that since there has been a change in the Hierarchy of Heaven, I better side up with the ones who hold the key to the New AfterLife System so I would, as Marlen said, get VIP tickets for the AfterLife

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk this process for one year in utter Fear and Petrification because that was preferable to having to deal with this fear that I have of still existing after death and having to spend time with myself through eternity as a stranger that I fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that, if I would stop and get rid of this Fear, I would just say goodbye to Process because it's fear that has kept me moving and I have not yet established myself to move as a self directive principle in any way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't get off Process because I have nowhere to go but Here, which is a place I am not yet experiencing in and as Breath but in and as Fear and thus, unpleasant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own definition of Process as a boring place where people are doing nothing else but forgiving themselves for their imaginary faults, as I still relate forgiveness to wrongdoings because I was born a Catholic and I have allowed and accepted myself to carry the shame and guilt loaded point of forgiveness as I under-stood it as a kid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am still missing the forgiving point as I don't stand Equal to my Forgiveness yet but under-stand my Forgiveness and while I have experienced energetic release I still have to drag myself everyday through this process due to my own definition of Forgiveness and 'Process'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand One and Equal to For-Giveness as Me giving back to me, as in Earthing the energies that I invested into Characters that I played throughout my Life, to give back, to for-give, the resources that I have taken in this journey of Lies in Self Interest for the purpose of experiencing myself as energy instead of being Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that Breath is not enough, that there should be something more, better, more exciting, failing to see that I have just bought into 'ideas' that were sold to us about Life and what Life should be vs what Life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear that if I did not join Process something terrible would happen to me, proving that I have joined this Process in and as Fear and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't even know what I am doing or attempting to do with and through this process because I have taken process to be a Task, and as a Task is lacking 'directions', instead than a Change that I have to become to reflect my Self Correction as Oneness and Equality for What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I skip one day of writing something bad will happen to me, instead of seeing Writing as the Self Support that I give to myself every day to not accumulate backchat that then holds me into an ever tighter grip the day after

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't make it because I have too many years of Fake Life under my belt and that I may not have the stamina to walk backward to undo all my participation in this Lifetime in and as Energy, instead of seeing and realizing this is just another Character because once I am clear that there is nowhere to go but ahead this can only be the Self Sabotage Character that I try to play so I can justify why I don't want to walk to give up all of myself and for this I forgive myself

Thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about process and to tell myself that this is alright 'because I'm just thinking about process' even though I am clear on the point that I won't be able to get out of this mess Inward and Outward through Thinking, no matter how worthy of being thought my thoughts are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not a robot, because I dislike the idea of being a Robot as I feel diminished every time I associate myself with the word 'Robot', as I have associated Robots with Non Life while I believed to be alive and I do not want to face the point that I am not alive yet and I won't be until I am the willing Prey of the Mind/Consciousness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the word 'destonian' is stupid, as it is so obvious there should have been an 'e' there as Destenian, just because I dislike 'O's in the middle of name, having my name 2 'O's which I have associated with Masculine as all Italian masculine singular words end in 'O' and so I resented for many years my name with 2 masculine vowels when I am a woman and should have been given the 'a' and 'e' and then for creating this disliking for 'O's in the centre of names which is one of the reason why I think that I dislike this name

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, due to my own definition of the word Destonian as separation since not everyone is a Destonian while I am just starting to grasp that we are equal and then I have to deal with a new label and I think this is irritating and Elitist and I don't want to be a part of that, maybe if they were Destenians who knows, I wouldn't have had such a mind tantrum but for now I think I don't want to be a part of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that when I get on the Forum and see the thread Ask a Destonian, that they are asking someone else, and not me, as that label doesn't identify me and so when I read the Forum I read it to see the answers of Destonians, never to reply as I think I am not one of 'these' and so it doesn't apply to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think up a new definition of myself and other Destonians as Desteni People, as I think and believe I don't like this name to use even for other Destonians, as it looks silly and sounds silly with the 'O', which seems to be a big deal only when I think about it as I see now that I write that it is not important how others see me as a Destonian with an 'O' or with an 'e' since it is about the message and not about Desteni at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I fear what others think of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'this name looks silly, sounds silly' when I read the name Destonian for the first time and forever after and within this I forgive myself for judging words and names as silly just because of my personal preference and likes/dislikes of a vowel over another in this particular example as I see realize and understand that it has nothing to do with this name but everything to do with me and how I experienced myself stuck with 2 'O's in my name being born a woman in a gender sensitive country, perceiving myself as diminished as a woman and pushed through the thin line of maledom just by 2 simple meaningless circles

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'enough already with this depressing Consciousness talk', let's talk about something else, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that we cannot talk about something else until Consciousness is All We Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there must be some shortcuts out of this, what the fuck, 7 years to nothingness, plus 7 years to rewrite ourselves as Oneness and Equality plus another 7 years for the Equal Money System to become manifested, while I am in a rush to get to Life, even though I don't even know what that means, I just want this to be over as all Tasks have a dead line and this seems way too long

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about this process in terms of Time, as that there is a specific Time that must go by and that it takes Time which then leads me to feel impatient, because I don't have Time, Time is Money, I want to use my Time doing something else, instead of realizing I am doing Time as I write, because Earth is The Correction Facility of the Universe for those that abused Life for Self Interest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'come on people, can we spend 28 years doing THIS', as in Process, as in Self forgiving our very Life as we live it, instead of seeing and realizing we are keeping forgiving ourselves because we are not stopping the abuse yet and we'll have to do that until we in fact STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'isn't this a bit far fetched that we should be doing this and tell others we are changing the world, where no evidence of this change is manifested outward in fact?" instead of seeing and realizing that this is the Question to ask myself as we won't see any change until We Change, which means, I/We have Not Changed yet At All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is No way that I can explain Self Forgiveness in Italian bypassing the Atonement, Shame and Guilt that results from speaking and hearing this word, instead of seeing and realizing that it is me still reacting to this word in Italian as something that is connected to guilt and shame and atonement, and that for-giving ourselves will be loaded with shame and guilt until we do not have a Secret Agenda for-giving, such as Atonement for 'feeling good' purposes, but we will unconditionally For-give ourselves as the New System that we are Creating and manifesting One and Equal to Us to For-Give everyone One and Equal, which will manifest a system of For-Giveness such as the Equal Money System

Imagination

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Imagine how shameful it would be if we won't make it and I will have to stand facing my delusion of Our Ability to Change the System, instead of realizing that this shows me that I still fear and see the System as something separate from me and because I cannot see how such a small group of people can impact the external system as a separate system I move into the paranoid state that I may be delusional and that I may have boarded just about another train to Nothingness, where the group may be disbanded in a few years and just say 'sorry we were too ambitious and did not see clearly our limitations' and I will be left with nowhere to go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the worst, as a habit that I took on when I decided that imagining the best leads always to disappointments, and so in fear of being disappointed I imagine the worst and fill my Time with 'what ifs'' that show me that I'm just undertaking an impossible task and I have moved from the Love and Light delusion to the Desteni delusion

Backchat

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchats regarding process and the interviews I listen to, in which I try to make up opinions about what is being said that I can turn into my advantage as knowledge and information, instead of just stopping consistently my participation in backchat as part of My Commitment to Life and to Changing Myself to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my backchat about how I will never stick to anything for 7 years and why am I even trying, because the longest thing I stuck to was my marriage and that was a lot of grief and I can't see myself going through so much grief again for 7 long years

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my backchat about what can I expect out of this process, as the milder version of 'What's in it for me' in which I look for something, anything that could motivate me for such a length of time as the carrot to dangle in front of myself and within this accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not and will not be able to be the directive principle of me motivating myself without the need or desire for Energetic feedback, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the backchat that asks what can we do to make money as a group, without seeing and realizing that I am still backchatting myself with the purpose to self sabotage myself, because I know I cannot see solutions for money making as a group as I approach this point as a business and look then for business ventures that I have not been able to find yet, as every business venture related to this group would mean our self compromise while we are standing not in judgement of self compromise, as we are all compromised by our daily acceptance and allowance of this Economics system of Inequality, but as a point of no compromise for the lure of Money as Energy, which means it will take time to build a solid money base that is not Energy generated but labor generated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some backchats are in fact coming as 'ideas' to provide solutions, while in fact I have not yet had any solutions from any backchat but just troubles that I then had to live out and walk as consequences of dis-connected and dis-eased Mind's backchat designs

Reactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear when I have to explain the process of Self Forgiveness as I fear that do not have the right words to say what I want to say about it and then I end up saying something I did not mean to say just because I have not yet taken the time to look into all aspects of this Self Forgiveness for myself so I can align my words to me as process and not fear having to talk about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as anxiety every time a new tasks comes up to do in the mailing list or in the LF, as I immediately project myself into a Time Frame and how much Time it will take to get something done and then I feel anxiety and the desire to just walk away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with impatience when faced with something new to be done because I see that I don't even have enough Time to do what I have on my plate and how can I possibly take on anything else, instead of seeing noone is asked to do more than they can in self honesty, considering their life and what they have to attend to as well as a priority to build a stable life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt if and when I do not do everything that I have decided I must do everyday to be effective within process and then when I do not I react feeling like a failure because I could/should have done more but I did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in guilt if and when I judge myself for not having done enough because I have associated process with Schindler's List and US as The Saving the World A-Team, and so every minute wasted is another Life that could have been saved from the Holocaust of the Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that I am creating such pressure for myself that I have turned this process into Agony and my walk into the Passion of Christ, where if possible I experience myself worse than before starting Process which could be a sign that I am doing something wrong, such as Not Stopping my participation in and as the Mind for One

Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a physical tightening in the solar plexus every time something about process comes up, as I have built so much bullshit about it that I dread even the word as the trial I put myself through every day, which is so far away from Self Forgiveness I should have got the hint and corrected myself and my approach to process, as just a system that has been written to support us with guidelines about How to Walk effectively Out of The Mind and into the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the Physical to such an extent that I seldom get what my body is going through as I lose myself into the Mind "Thinking" about what my body is going through, instead of being Here with and as my Body so I can get the straight no bullshit feedback as I walk my process as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can think about the physical and become aware through my mind about what the physical is trying to tell me, instead of moving myself back into the Physical in and as Breath and as One and Equal check what is going on as helpful Substantial feedback

Consequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live one year with a knot into my stomach as the consequence of how and why I started this process, failing to see that it is the physical that has already been paying the consequences so far, and that stopping myself as The Mind must mean that The Physical no longer suffers and that if and when I have a physical discomfort as a consequence of something I myself have set in motion, I must Stop, Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, until I, as One with the Physical, can assess which con-sequence I am walking, so I can stop creating it as this is what this process is about, it is the stopping of Consequences, as we stop the past to stop creating the future and ourselves into a Time Loop of Consequences that we can instead STOP creating as we see and investigate the origin and starting point and stand in and as The Correction that will stop the creation of Consequences we have existed in and as so far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overlook the Consequences that I am walking as I believe that if I look away they will go away, as I see realize and understand they are not going away because I am not stopping my participation in those things that are in fact creating those consequences as a result of my fears and separation and that I have to commit myself to stand consistently, slowing myself down to stop, to make sure I don't miss out on the point of what it is that we are doing, as stopping our existence in and as The Mind of Polarity/Duality as only the stepping out of our Polarity and Duality Worlds will allow us to find ourselves at the same starting point, Here, in and as The Physical, where Oneness and Equality already exists, in and as Breath, waiting for us to catch up.

Self Commitments to Follow tomorrow 

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Day 99: Gossip and Back Chat Self Commitment

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the commentary in my head relative to someone I have seen, spoken to, thought about, imagined, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that a commentary in my head is not supportive to others or myself, it's not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All and it is in fact an act of self abuse and abuse, as I participate within judgement, ideas and Opinions that stand in the way of me seeing another as myself, and of stopping the separation of myself from others as an idea I have grown used to, that is not Real

When and as I see myself desiring to comment out loud., wanting to express what is going on in my Secret Mind as a way to prove that I am honest and not hiding stuff, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no way to be honest if my starting point is what has been going on in me as the Mind, that I am just desiring to move into the Gossip Character to offload my backchat and that I do not need to do so in fact, I can instead breathe until the commentary stops, apply SF in my mind if I am in no position to speak it out loud until the energetic desire to participate in gossip, under whatever name I am attempting to give it, has subsided and when I speak I make sure I am clear and only share what concerns me

When and as I see myself desiring to bond, to get close to someone, I remind myself that this is the situation in which I will move into gossiping and 'sharing secrets' and that the desire to get close to someone 'out there' is just a sign that I am not yet close to myself that in fact I desire the self honest relationship with myself that I have denied myself while I busied myself with others and their 'businesses' as a distraction in fear of what I would find if I did take the time to look into myself in self honesty and that I can reassure myself that it is only FEAR and not Real and in fact standing in the way between me and finally getting to know me, getting close to me and stopping the desire to get close to someone else 'out there' 

When and as I see myself getting lost or about to engage the commentary in my head regarding another being, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that there is no honesty in my commentary as it has been built by Characters I have been interpreting that are not Real and have nothing of value to contribute but words to make myself as a Character more than others in fear of feeling less/diminished, instead I look at my desire to engage in this behavior, look for the cause and apply self forgiveness for having accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another, which resulted in my desire to participate in the commentary that I was about to use to prove my superiority and the inferiority of another

When and as I see myself about to compare myself or inside the comparison game already, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that comparison and competition can only happen among Characters that live in Me as The Mind, as a database of experiences, ideas, beliefs and judgements is needed to be able to compare myself, instead I stop my comparison so I won't go into competition and then engage myself as the Gossip Backchat Character in the Hope to level the imaginary field I myself am creating and participating within

I commit myself to stop my existence as The Arrogant Character, to stop my participation in backchat and gossip, inward an outward, as I see realize and understand that every judgement is Self judgement and I no longer want to judge myself or others

I commit myself to consistently stop my backchats about others and when a thought arises that seems innocent, I stop, breathe, forgive my participation in such thought, keep breathing and walking until I accumulate breaths of Self correction to stop the existence of me as the Character of Arrogance, that fears diminishment while it seeks comparison just to win, fearing that the comparison is anyway going on in the minds of others, not seeing realizing and understanding that I only fear Myself as the creator of comparison and that I can stop and within this I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is useless and that it only leads to feelings of inadequacy and diminishment and to abuse as self abuse, and that a habit won't go away just because I wish it away, and so I commit myself to be diligent about keeping up the stopping, not feeding energy to this Character of Arrogance, so I may stand as the Self Directive principle of me as self correction to change myself inward and outward Equal and One

I commit myself to be patient with myself, to not judge myself to avoid denial of my Mind activities in fear of my own self judgement, instead I take myself by hand and commit to just keeping up the stopping, until the backchat and internal gossip about others stops, so I can stand clear and be an example of self honesty for myself, Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

Day 98: The Arrogant Character goes Underground as Backchat and Gossip

Having come to the conclusion that Arrogance is NOT Socially rewarded, nor was rewarded within my family unless it was called something else, like 'being the best, the most beautiful, the best dressed, the most stilish' as attributes of value, the Arrogance Character moved underground, and set up shop within The Secret Mind.

This by no means shows that it was gone, it was just hidden, entertained within the secrecy of my own Mind or with 'close' friends, other people who would have Gossips of Value to share, because like in everything there is a market Value to Gossips and Secrets, the more outrageous, the more they wished to stay Secret, the Highest their market Value.

As a result of this another Character developed, which was the 'I share All of Myself Character' which was/is as devious as all the others because by no means everything is shared, as that would put me in an undesired position of vulnerability, but the things to share would be weighted on the 'Secret Market', given a value, and used for exchanges of secrets, hopefully fishing out more interesting secrets than the Ones given up in the Trade.

The amount of backchats and comments that were and still are running in my mind about everybody is quite relevant as the Arrogant Character is always seeking for points of value in another to diminish, to level the playfield so that it would never have to feel 'less than another' while failing to see that it is because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own diminishment relative to experiences and relationships that did not come out 'Picture Perfect' as they have been defined and filed in my Mind as the desirable Standard, that this Character exists in the first place, seeking to be more in fear of being less, desiring to be special in fear of NOT being special, not wanting to be Equal because Equal stands in the way of my specialness, and then where would I get my Value from?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and deny my Arrogant Character, because I did not want to face the shame and the embarrassment I feel for what I get up to when I accept and allow myself to embody this Character, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for embodying my Arrogant Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when someone says 'you are arrogant' feeling as if I have been called out, ineffective in covering up what really goes on in My Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that it is because I fear losing my cover and being exposed that I react and not because of what someone says about me being Arrogant, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called out and exposed as 'Arrogant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disclosing this Character because, if I do, then I have to Change and lose my right to diminish others in my mind and I will then have to face all the points where I have diminished myself, made myself less, put value on things outside of myself searching for value in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Change and the loss of my privilege to secretly gossip about others in my mind and my chance to allow the commentary about everyone I approach to run unchecked, while I pretend it's not happening

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about others as a way to feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gossip and secrets as something that I could trade on the Market of Gossip and Secrets, using them as a currency to gain trust and open doors that I perceived and believed would be otherwise locked unless a trade of secrets and gossip would take place to cement a partnership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some friends are closer than others and with them it's normal and allowed to gossip, because this is what close friends do, to let each other know how special they are to each other, pretending to share everything while the only sharing that takes place is about others and their secrets and what one wants to share to uphold the Character through which the interaction is taking place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that having secrets is weird in the first place, as secrets imply that they must be stored somewhere, away from public eyes, away from my own eyes as well, sometimes, without considering that wherever I stored secrets that I loaded with guilt and shame they would be bound to fester and rot and create a Secret Mind with a life of its own, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge secrets within my secret Mind with guilt and shame and for feeling guilt and shame relative to secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that having secrets that cannot be shared means that we will never be able to trust one another, as each one will be too busy trying to work out what is the other one keeping secret and why, and that to build a different world we will have to give up all our secrets to show each other who we really are and what have accepted and allowed ourselves to become so we can stand in and as Self Correction as the Self Directive principle of Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing this point because what if someone I know will read and judge me and think 'ah, so this is what you have done the whole time, you bitch', failing to see I fear my own judgement of myself and this is why I keep this Character secret just like I keep other Characters secrets because Characters are a sign of Mental disorders I do not want to share with the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I did to others in my secret mind and with friends, they would do to me, accepting and allowing myself to live a life of paranoia, thinking 'what do they think, what will they say' allowing my fear of the judgement of others about my life to run my choices or the choices I pretended to make so I could get a favorable review for my Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why and how I started to run an internal commentary about every person I met or had an exchange with, even though the commentary was offering opinions and thoughts I was not in agreement with or I saw they were not benevolent in nature, yet I allowed and accepted myself to participate in them anyway, blaming the others for the commentary that was obviously born because they were THAT way and not as something born out of my sick mind that needs to be rooted out and rewritten to be realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than people that said 'I can keep a secret,' because I could not as I saw that secrets were currency within my Secret Mind, keys to favors and good feelings to share with others while I exposed friends and family just for the energetic charge that I would get by painting them as the vile and wrong ones while I painted myself as the good and right one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I exposed this point, it would be another layer of known 'communication skills' that I would have to give up and then I would not know what to talk about if not about others and gossips and secrets, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not giving up anything of value and this is not a SKILL but a rotting point within me that I want to let go and change as I realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other people's lives as comparison with mine to see who was living the best life, the most righteous, looking for points in which I could prove their unworthiness to cover up my own feelings of unworthiness and unrighteousness and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was unworthy and wrong/bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that gossiping is normal, that it happens behind all closed doors as I saw my grandparents do it, waiting for 'a friend' to leave their presence and then cutting them down to shreds, deluding myself that I was better than that because I would not so OBVIOUSLY do such a thing, but would go about it in a more refined way, choosing my words carefully as to not be exposed as a gossiper but as a caring worried friend that had their best outcome at heart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my words irresponsibly, carelessly, just for my own energetic rushes that would always leave me with mixed feelings as I failed to realize that every judgement is just Self judgement and that whatever I could see in another I could only see, and assume because it existed in me, as me and I preferred to point it out in them as them than facing Me, standing up in Self responsibility to Change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and events in my mind of facts that happened so I could tell 'my side of the story' which was just that, a story that I made up in alignment with the Characters I tried to protect and defend, whose existence I believed to be my own existence as me, as who I really am and for fearing losing my identity as a personality, a Character that I failed to see was never Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the gossips I spread would come up and that I would have to face my absolute lack of respect for other human beings, One and Equal to me, just to protect my own identity as The Non Gossiper, the One Above Gossiping so I could keep on Gossiping and get away with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my gossiping, the damages I created in other people's lives as in the gossiping I was exposing their Characters that I had sworn to support and uphold through the game of friendship as they swore to support and uphold mine so we could keep on pretending to be separate, and not One and Equal and stand to stop this Self destructive game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't know how to stop the gossiping because I don't know what is the right thing to say to not engage in gossip as a way to get close to someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no right thing to say, unless it is a Character looking for its script that is posing the question, and that when I will be faced with the chance, opportunity, desire to gossip I can stop, breathe and speak in the Here moment according to my Self Directive Principle of no longer participating in Gossiping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn onto the worldwide gossiping scene, through magazine and gossip news, when I tried to kick the habit, moving into gossiping about movie stars and public figures, believing that there is no harm in that since I do not know them and they do not know me, failing to see that it is not about them in any way, or about people that I do not know as in the direct damage I can cause, it is about me and who I accept and allow myself to be within the desire to diminish others and be happy about their failures just so that I can feel better about myself and my poor excuse for a life, as I switch from One Character to another while I fail to be Here in and as Breath and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to be Here in and as Breath and for not consistently remind myself to Breathe and earth myself instead of getting lost in and as The Mind and the Characters I play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself within gossiping, accepting and allowing myself to believe that some gossips are better and less harmful than others, instead of just stopping my internal commentary, breathing, reminding myself every time I see any movement or reaction or judgement about another being that it is Self in front of me and that I no longer allow myself to participate in thinking or speaking or moving in self judgement and externalized self judgement toward another as I stand in Self Correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

Tomorrow will follow with Self Corrective and Self Commitment Statements