Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self

This is a follow up to my Post "You are nobody till somebody loves you", I will walk through Self For-Giveness my return to self from my accepted and allowed beliefs, idea, opinions and experiences that I allowed myself to exist within and that shaped me into the woman I have become:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, when asked if I had a sympathy at school, if there was a boy I liked, if I was interested in anyone, to under-stand and to believe that I was supposed to feel sympathy, like or be interest in someone because it seemed to matter more than who I was and that I would gain worth and value for myself only by following that path

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself as a child to look around for that boy that I could feel sympathy for, like, be interested in, not from the perspective of me but to find that one missing piece that I was supposed to bring to the chats with my grandparents so that I could find that missing worth and fill my not enough-ness with the information they seemed to look for when talking to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, since this topic of boys vs girls grew exasperated by the Catholic environment I was raised in, where we were in mixed classes but were discouraged to play together, to create a desire to cross the line over the forbidden side of the courtyard, ending up being punished for being too adventurous, while I now see and realize I was not being adventurous, I was seeking attention and recognition from the boys because I had already internalized this point of worthlessness as a woman without the attention of a man as myself, and so I was not seeking to spend time with boys to get to know them, but for the value of me, the worth of me as I accepted and allowed myself to believe in this cultural and then family imprinting of women as worthless

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a boy was present, immediately move into a state of agitation, anxiety, as I would stand to wait for signs to decode about him being interested in me, in him finding me someone he wished to spend time with, as those signs were already becoming vital to a 'positive experience of myself' as worthy and for mistaking the shame I felt as shame for desiring the attention of boys, instead of seeing and realizing I was feeling the shame of my compromise for value and worth to be given to me as I had separated from myself as Self value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Self Value and Self Worth and for feeling ashamed about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I grew up, encode inside of myself all the crappy Love songs of my culture as guidelines of what to look for as value within a relationship with a man, without realizing the songs were full of expressions of instability and mental problems such as jealousy, possessiveness, ownership, longing and I turned this codes into who I became and then sought to find those things that I told myself were signs of love within the relationships I built up, and when I couldn't I would move on, not questioning my starting point but believing 'the other' had not given to me the 'right signs' of love and as such his love could not be trusted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when listening to a song, always try to fit into it, to see myself within it and the experiences I could have if it was me the main character of the song, the woman longed for, never forgotten, the source of jealousy and possessiveness and how I would 'feel' about it and deciding that it would feel good, set out to seek the same dramas that my culture defined as 'Love' to live in my own life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would feel if it was me the centre of so much attention, discarding along the way potential partners that did not live up to such great loves imprinted in and as my Mind, when in fact I myself did not live up to them but in my picking and choosing I would always seek songs that when men sang where about the longing, the love, the craving and when women sang were always about the sorrow, the intensity, the regret and then I went looking for partners that would resonate within my same cultural imprinting so we could play out those scripts together until they turned to the sorrow, the intensity and the regret of the roles I had chosen and scripted for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with jealousy about a partner, to not take responsibility for what I felt and investigate the point to see that I would feel jealous as a comparison with other women from which I came out short in my own self judgement of myself, and since jealousy for me to feel was not part of my scripts because the men were the ones supposed to play the jealous part, I would find excuses and justifications to just move on, fearing that I would have to go through the jealousy experience again if I stuck with a particular partner and overlooking the point if there was a connection that was worth holding on to and learn to grow together in mutual support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of my unstable behavior with men which I could not figure out if it was because I was too interested or not interested enough, to end up walking away at all times as a result of accumulations of backchats and self dishonesty that I ended up blaming on them and that I allowed to become so overwhelming to the point of just giving up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was important and for feeling dishonest because I could not work out in detail what this feeling of 'love' was all about except translate it into jealousy, possessiveness, ownership instead of standing as a stable point of support next to my partners without seeking the illusory world of emotions and feelings as Proof that 'something was really there' because I was not there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be there for my myself or my partners as I busied myself blaming them for not being there for me, when in fact the point was that I was nowhere to be seen and I never considered building a self honest relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, twice in my life, drop my life and move to another country after a man, creating a credit in my mind for which a payback was due and corrupting my starting point both with myself as I took off without ever considering my own life but just the experience I would gain that would give me having a man next to me to me and equally with them, starting with a debt to be repaid, just like the current Monetary System, where nothing is done for nothing and a payback is always due

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my partners responsible for my life, through the justification that 'I gave up my life for you' so I could go on playing the extra romantic woman in love, while in fact I was just creating excuses to not be responsible for myself and the choices I made

I commit myself to establish a self honest relationship with myself, wherein I stand on my own two feet, no matter where I am or where I decide to move to, and to no longer make others responsible for myself or the experience of myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself trying to take off into some mind delusions about Love and memories and the past, to stop, Breathe, realize that I am not giving up anything of value as my memories are behavioural microchips that lead always in the same place where I have been many times before, to failure , and I no longer want to experience failure in relationships as a definition of who I am

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself move into the desire to compare my relationships as a way to feel safer, to stop and breathe through the fear, as the fear I have is the fear of me and I instead look at what am I fearing so I can release myself from it once and for all

I commit myself to, when and as I speak to a man, a partner or a potential partner to make sure I am not reactive, if I am to Breathe through my reactions before I speak or write and then only express myself so I can stop existing as a tornado of disasters because Prevention is the Best Cure.

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Day 156: Stopping the Good and Bad News of Who I am

When and as I see myself reacting to something I am reading, I stop, breathe, realize that everything that exists is in fact coming from the same substance and what I react to is just a point from which I have separated myself from or wish to separate myself from, instead I see realize and understand that my participation in feelings and emotions is just a point I use to experience myself as energy and so I stop through breathing until I no longer have reactions within me as me

When and as I see myself not wanting to read a news because 'it's just too much', I stop, breathe, see and realize that I am not reading news to participate in negative emotions that prove that I am Good because 'I feel bad' about it, I am reading the news to expand myself to include everything that exists as me, beyond labels of good or bad, beautiful or ugly, right or wrong, and that whatever I see outward that is not in fact supporting Life as what is best for All, I can seek it inside of myself to self correct to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself discounting 'breathing' because I'm too busy holding my breath to get through some of the horror news of our times, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, remind myself that I am moving into an energetic experience that I use to justify why I am breathless, I can instead stop myself and breathe as a self willed act of self support, until I no longer feel friction or separation regarding what I am reading, which is but a consequence of how we created this reality from fear and self interest and why we are standing to correct ourselves

When and as I see myself wanting to 'take a step away from an event' to underline how I could have never done that', about what I am reading and the person who did it to which I feel superior, better then, I stop, breathe, realize that as The Mind I was just luckier to not have the same life experiences and genes that would take on such extremes, but I have gone to extremes in my mind and the fact that I didn't get to play them out doesn't make me better than anyone who did as the pressure valves of existence, just Equal in the Mind fuckupedness that we are standing to self correct, take self responsibility for and leave behind for good

When and as I see myself wanting to judge myself as 'bringer of bad news' meaning something that may make someone sad vs a news that may make someone happy, I see realize and understand that what I am doing is supporting their mind as feelings and emotions, as positivity vs negativity, so I too can get to feel rewarded with a positive experience of myself as being good vs being bad for being the supporter of 'good experiences/feelings' and not the party pooper depressing 'in touch with reality' one

I commit myself to finding the points within me where I have separated reality through morality of good and bad, right and wrong, leading to judgements of what is in separation from myself and to correct myself by deleting my 'stances' as opinions and judgements so that I can walk this creation as one in and as breath and not as a reactive tool of The Mind

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself reaching or about to reach the 'enough already' point, o stand up, breathe, bring myself back to the physical, realize I have gone lost into the Mind or I could not be approaching the 'enough already' point in any give moment and keep breathing until I am back here in and as breath, no longer reacting

I commit myself to stop dividing news into good/positive news and bad/negative news, as this is an energetic classification of how I experience myself when I do read or engage in something and is based on the stored information I live as me which are charged and divided by my own definitions in 'what is good and what is bad which will give me an experience of either positive or negative, both of which are not real and not representing what is in fact here in the Physical as a point that simply needs my self correction about my judgements/opinion/idea/charge, that I need to investigate to equalize myself to

I commit myself to stop judging myself for speaking the common sense of what is best for all, which is not something just grandiose such as feed everyone, but each situation, point, moment as an expression of myself has a 'Best for All' moment, and I commit myself to find it and simply express it as me within the simplicity of Breath as me as self expression.

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Day 154: Don't Make Me Repeat Myself - Character

My mum has been staying for a couple of days, she is 72 but very alert, no Alzheimer or Dementia, which would be points that would allow me to ease off out of this Character that I saw myself step into when I have to 'repeat Myself', because I could use HER Dementia to "Excuse Her" for having me repeating myself over and over.

Basically today I experienced a reaction after the 3rd time she made me repeat something, and I had a quiet backchat going but it still was there, and it went like this "come on, how many times do I have to repeat this, why don't you get it, what's wrong with you, why are you not catching what I said, how many more times do I have to repeat myself?'

I did not voice this out aloud, but my tone changed and so my mum perceived my annoyance and said " if you asked me the same thing for 3 times I would not be impatient like you" to which I had to add 'you don't know that, right? Because I never make you repeat yourself soo many times', because obviously I had to have a come back line to prove I was right in my reaction as impatience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to having to repeat myself because someone did not catch what I meant to say the first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the impatience of others when I asked to repeat something and for disliking the experience of feeling responsible for the impatience of another that I live in fear of asking someone to 'repeat themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within a negative polarity if someone doesn't catch what I said the first time, because if I had communicated effectively they would have, should have, which I perceive and judge as me not being effective at communicating which makes me feel bad about myself and desire to blame it on another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the backchat 'why don't you understand what I said, how many times I have to repeat myself' as the Character 'don't make me repeat myself', instead of just breathing, stopping the backchat and looking at why she did not understand what I said and how could I deliver the information she was seeking in another way until she got it, without having to make a fuss out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is normal to be impatient when I have to repeat myself because grown ups do it to children, they did it to me, and so now that I am a grown up it is my turn to be impatient with those that make me repeat myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for faults in another that asks me to 'repeat myself' because I judge myself as not having been effective, move into the negative experience of myself and then see for the shift through blame to restore myself into the 'positive experience of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ones that don't get an information at the first go as 'slow and stupid' and for judging myself as 'slow and stupid when I have not understood something at the first go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to the ones that have to ask 'sorry, can you repeat', because in that moment I move into comparison and see myself having 'got it at the first go' as better and more than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself when I do not get something at the first go, because I fear others will compare themselves to me and see themselves as superior, while it's me moving into the experience of inferiority in fear of judgement as self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Time is Money and therefore when my Time is consumed by having to repeat myself I move into 'you are costing me' Character as Impatience, in which, since I am the one transferring the information I am the one losing within the transaction because I am both the more knowledgeable and the one 'wasting time' as my time is Not returning to me Money or a positive experience as the positive feedback of succesful transfer of information at the first go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to step into the Impatience Character as I move into and as The Mind, evaluating time as Money as what I am losing within a transaction that is repeating itself for which I do not perceive myself being rewarded for

I forgive myself for accepting and alowing myself to desire to not address all of my reactions because some are small and I can deceive myself that I did not 'really' react, because it did not lead to a blow up, instead of seeing and realizing that I write daily for the purpose of supporting myself to address every and any reaction I have during the day, big or small, until I no longer react to anything in my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that patience is something I can 'lose' as if patience is something that I have as an experience of myself in separation from myself, instead of seeing patience as who I am and living the word patience One and equal to me, within the simplicity of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access this Character 3 times today, because I was not willing to acknowledge my first 'small' reaction and so I have to push myself to repeat and repeat until I get it, which is ironically what I am pissed about with my mum, as I am pissed with myself for 'having made myself repeat myself' because I did not get it the first time and just stopped it with and as Breath until I could apply Sf and write out my self Corrective application

When and as I see myself starting to get annoyed, about to get annoyed, on the step of annoyement for having to 'repeat myself' I stop and breathe, look at WHAT is it that I am repeating about myself that I did not get the first time around, Breathe to stabilize myself and do not allow myself to access the Character 'don't make me repeat myself' in the obnoxious patronizing stance and tone of voice this Character offers, instead I refrain from speaking, until I no longer see the reaction inside of me, to make sure I don't move into automatic Character Play but that I can stabilize myself and express myself outside of any energy movement

I commit myself to stop allowing and accepting myself to become 'annoyed' for repeaing myself as the Character 'don't make me repeat myself', especially with myself, since my mum was just showing me that I was in fact looping the same reaction point over and over, and that when I do catch myself repeating myself into the same reaction that I have NOT addressed and taken responsibility for, I stop, I breathe, bring myself back Here and Correct Myself in the moment so as to not have to board the stupidity loop of repeating myself again and again, until I get it. 

I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and common sense such as giving to another the attention and time required to communicate effectively without moving into energetic experiences as I see this is What is best for me and What is Best for All.

 

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Day 130: For-Giving the (Self) Molestation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I could not express myself as sexuality as a Child, I hoped and desired that men would come along who seemed to have the key to my sexuality as 'men were in charge of sex' according to the images of sex I saw and imprinted myself with, so I could experience myself sexually with them, through them, without having to carry the guilt and shame for giving in to sex to satisfy my curiosity, and for then suppressing this desire because the desire to experience myself sexually was 'bad", ending up turning these desires into suppressed and hidden thoughts, images and memories that were charged with self judgement, shame and guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful within the desire to experience myself sexually as a child because I accepted and allowed myself o be imprinted with my mother's view on sex and how it was that sex is done with a man, which then created the thought and desire, 'bring a man here then'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to interact with an 'unknown' man would give birth to molestation as I made myself the target for 'unknown men' to approach me as the answer to my suppressed thoughts of which I was not aware of consciously where they were themselves drawn to me as a match to me and my secret hidden thoughts/desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was 'bad' for holding such secret desires, without being able to see realize or understand HOW those desires were formed through suppression, I deserved all the molestation that I got

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to molest myself with pictures and images of sex that I would look for and file within and as me to prove to myself that 'others did it' and I was not so bad after all, without seeing realizing and understanding that those pictures through which I would experience myself in shame and guilt would build up and turn into self molestation of myself as my Mind and give birth to the molested Character who in turn would attract Molesters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex in my early years of sexual expression to shame and guilt which made me enraged which in turn sought for targets which became men as The Molesters, for which I ended up perceiving I felt a deep hatred that I pushed down and hid as I did not want to be bad for hating someone and not 'forgiving' the weaknesses of men because 'all men are like that, they just want to get in your pants', while in fact I didn't and just accumulated hatred and contempt for their inability to keep their hands to themselves not seeing or realizing the part that I played in our interactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I had so much hatred for men and the continuous consistent abuse that I perceived they were inflicting on me when I walked down the streets as a Child, or when I ate a banana, or when I was just on a bus going to school, in a movie theatre watching a movie, within a friend's circle when suddenly one would behave in a way that I perceived as a trespassing, and for looking at them as Inferior Creature who were led by their Dicks, without seeing realizing and understanding that if they are led by their dicks, they must be led TO something/someone who matched their desires, and that it was me leading them on because a Victim must have an Abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self hatred, for having given up Life for The Mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, onto men, making them responsible and blaming them for everything that went on within me as self Abuse, so I would not have to be responsible of how I experienced myself and stand to correct myself to stop the experience of me as bad, shameful, guilty, regarding sexuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and angry when my mum said 'there must be something wrong with you if it keeps happening to you' as I took that as a judgement as a reflection of my own self judgement regarding myself and my hidden sexuality, missing out on the opportunity to in fact NOT take it personally which would have allowed me to see that there was something wrong with me in fact and that was what I had stored in me as me and then went and lived out in the Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to speak up, in fear of losing the privilege of being liked and desired by men who represented the key and the door to my sexuality and so never wanting to close any door, just in case, just wording excuses such as, you are like a brother ' there is nothing wrong with you, it's me' and the list goes on, without seeing realizing and understanding that to NOT be Self Honest and tell myself What is the Freaking Pay back of all this Molestation, which of course was the point of being desired, an Ogre would do, I ended up blaming myself even when I had been trying to be as clear as possible, within the limitation of seductress character that I secretly played at all times around men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the con-clusion, that since it did not seem possible to have men keep their hands to themselves, their nasty comments, wolf whistles and generally any demeaning act they could come up with, I should capitalize on it and get on the command deck, where I would stir and move the manipulation of the Dickheads into the Direction that best served me as in, if you can't beat them, manipulate them and get something out for yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such a world as 'normality' even when as a kid the suppressed sexual tension between all interactions physically scared me as I could see it weaved into every and any conversation, topic, attitude and yet no one else seemed to notice that there were 2 things leading the world and none of them were in the Hands of Women as Money and Sex, and I concluded we better get smart about it and in fact turn things around, either through Money to be able to stop the sexual favours we engage in at all times, given or promised or paraded and not delivered, or through Sex to get to the Money, because this world is a freaking fearful place to be without Money and Women were left with sex to get to the upper crust where the Money is, and so be it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce my sexual expression to a stock market, in which I was always trading something as it was driven into me that men wanted this thing I had to offer MORE than we did, or they would not offer to buy it, which tilted the market value of sex in my favour as the seller and that I should take full advantage of my position of being the owner of a stock which was so sought after and for which men were willing to give in, either the dough or something I could trade for a better, safer future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that we were built this way as sex and as the way we would interact with each other, but we do not have to accept this as who we are, we can stop and stand and say, I no longer trade for sex or money as a first individual step that we take to Change the World as Ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that, due to the extent of self judgement, shame and blame that I held toward myself when I saw that I crossed the line from Perceived Abused to Abuser, anything that came from men seemed in some way legitimized, not for the How I Carry Myself Without as in the excuse that I am not Making Up, wearing Heels or behaving in a seductive way, but for how I carry myself within, as the Abused Abuser, having molested myself to no end with sexuality issues stemming from suppression and judgement and so I have turned myself into a Light House for Molesters and Abusers as they see Me as I see/experience Me and then they see themselves as authorized to step into their Abuser Role as I move back into the Abused/Molested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, due to the way I perceived myself and my hidden secret participation in the Molester and Molested Game, I had no right to speak up and say NO, turning myself into the door mat of the Abusers Molesters as I ended up believing it was always my fault and that if I had not done this or that, said this or that, until it became a habit to look for what I did wrong while the Molester got away without notice, instead of standing up and voicing 'this is NOT what I want' because this issue has two sides, yet this is no Justification or a clean bill for Men who molest Children, as we are all the products of a very disturbed society and we have to STOP on both sides of the Coin and while I stop my participation as the Abused/Abuser I will voice what is acceptable and what is Not in My world and the world I want to live in as A World that is Best for All


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man stands in self justification for molesting a Child by saying things like 'You Crazy Bitch' or 'You are Dreaming' or "I don't know what you are talking about', it is not for me to feel ashamed as if I were all these things he said and if I don't know what I am talking about to the point that I no longer talk at all, because heavy breathing on your neck, a hard dick against your ass and fondling your behind or doctors who are supposed to look at your foot and pull down your panties, do not need to be told what they are doing, as THEY KNOW what they are doing, which is abusing their position of power either as an Adult vs a Child or as a Representative of some Organization/Institution such as the Medical/Educational/Religious and that standing up and saying NO I do not accept this is important for me and them too to realize that whatever fantasy they are playing out, it's just that, Their fantasy, which has nothing to do with the physical reality and as we all come to terms with the fact that we are psychopaths within our own Minds abusing each other we can stop and stand to change the world for Life and what is best for All

I commit myself to speak up against Abuses as I correct myself as the Self Abuser I have become so that Inward and Outward the World can Change, which is what we are doing with the proposal of an Equal Money System, in which all Mental Illnesses and dis-eases will be addresses and supported for correction so everyone can be equally supported to live behind their life of Abuse for LIFE to build a World where we are in fact proud to live and not ashamed and terrified for what we have created that we now have to walk as a ConSequence into Self Correction

I commit myself to delete my past as it comes up in pictures/thoughts and memories as I see realize and understand that the Past is Over and that I can only change My Past by not repeating it into time/stupidity loops to show myself that I saw where and how I was participating within a specific point and that I took responsibility for it, so as to not leave behind myself a trail of distorted/diseased relationships as the ones I made up in my mind based on abuse as the abused/abuser and One + One as we correct ourselves it will reflect into our World outside and what becomes possible as we walk away from our limitations, one + one.

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Day 127: The Justifier Character

No One Is to Blame (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today I had an experience  that did not turn out as I expected, with 2 people I know that I advised to do something for their health based on my 'knowledge' of nutrition and natural healing, and the benefits of therapeutic fasting that I had experienced for myself in the past.

One vomited all night last night and the other drove himself to the ER, I guess, since he is anxious and believes to have all sorts of diseases, going through the release of toxins must have seemed like dying to him and this is because I have not taken into account all possible outflows and what was best for them for who they are and what they are living in the moment, as I took pleasure in showing off my knowledge and convinced myself that it would have been good for them and it would have sorted them out, one of this consequences I could fix using a hot stone to help the stomach relax, yet I have no clue about how it will fare in the next few days, the other gentleman I know nothing about yet as he went off radar we could only assume he went to the ER for treatment.

Then I watched myself move through these emotions: guilt, sorrow, self blame but then The Justifier stepped in and I made up in my mind an elaborate story about why I was right and they were wrong because they still trust traditional medicine which has proved to kill more people in a year than anything else and they were sissies for not putting up with a bit of discomfort for their own good, this even though I am not in their body and I cannot effectively measure the level of their discomfort. I had a few more ammunitions too, the fact that they are fearful Italians, that they are men whose tolerance to discomfort is inferior to women and that I won't help anyone else. This of course not as a self realization that I just don't know what I am doing when I distribute advice that has worked for me -and so should work for everybody- but as a spite point that came from fear as well that they may go to the ER and talk about a lunatic that gave them such advice and I would be forever publicly shamed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I establish that I am wrong, that I have done something wrong, first to move into guilt as my own self delivered punishment and atonement, then move into sorrow on the same line and then into Self Blame as the Judge of Myself, without seeing realizing or understanding that when I take this trip, the Terminal ends at The Justifier, as in the moment I experience my own self created Blame, I want to Blame someone else and to be effective I can Only do it through justifying myself making up stories, looking for knowledge and information that I can hold against another so I can move out of my own self created experience of self Blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that when I realize I have done something that did not turn out as expected, I must have set up an expectation for myself such that everything will be all right, hoping I can manipulate other's minds for their own good into believing that everything will be all right, when in fact I am dealing with the physical of other people and I should have clearly communicated the risks of therapeutic fasting as some have a bad reactions when toxins are released, instead I THOUGHT that it would be better for them to not know, so they would not influence their body through their mind, hoping that I could be the one influencing their body through My Mind which is one step away from insane

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'The Mind is everything' as in the past when I studies Healing techniques this was the Mantra, and as I embraced the Mantra of the Power of the Mind over the Body I then held onto this belief, because I have a secret wish to be able to influence the physical through my Mind, even after I have proved to myself beyond any reasonable doubt through Law of Attraction that the Mind has No Power over the Physical or at least not in the sense we have come to believe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a secret desire of the Power of the Mind over the Physical, while believing that I am walking away from the Mind, yet at the first chance I had I promoted through my behaviour the belief that the Mind affects the physical, which it does, but each one's Mind affects their own Physical reality and My mind doesn't affect other Physical reality as I use it in manipulation of other beings, that have put their trust in me, even if that is my secret desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could affect other people's lives in other ways that are not by example, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that everyone is responsible for their own life and while I can offer support I cannot take responsibility for others even when I desire to do so as a way to make myself feel special and more worthy than they are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into the Justifier Character so I would not have to look at How I participated in this event, so I could Blame it on them, stupid fools that believed me or stupid fools that believed Traditional Medicine and this just in fear of my own judgement of myself as a stupid fool

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge them as Sissies, Italian men, just having a lower tolerance to pain and discomfort than women, fearful and for thinking that 'I will never help anyone else' as a point of spite, as I played out my own script of the Justifier and Why I was right and they were WRONG

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad and diminished when I do something that I judge as Wrong, instead of breathing and seeing Ok this is what I have done while I was in Character, how can I fix what I have done, how can I take responsibility for what I have done, so I can do it as my Self Correction in my process of Stepping Out of Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame others as soon as I experience myself within self blame, instead of stopping, breathing, realizing that self blame is not required as I stand and correct myself to no longer offer advice as a way to make myself feel more and superior to others and if I desire to share I can tell others 'this is what I did and it worked for me, but you will have to take responsibility for yourself as I am not the one living in your body'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I took responsibility for an event and its consequences due to my own starting point of not sharing clearly the potential consequences but instead offering to organize this fast for them as a way to make another little extra income for myself and with this having put Money once again above What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a constant state of tension regarding Money and what I will do to survive as nothing has yet given me a steady reliable income and I do not have access to funds until I sell my home and so I believe I am justified to be worried, instead of seeing and realizing that when I worry I am just participating within Me as The Mind, doing what I have programmed myself to do to survive, make money and look for money making opportunities wherever I go and whoever I interact with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand the Role that Money has taken in pour Lives, wherein there is nothing else I think about because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Money is tied into my survival and everyone else's survival, and so we have created a world where when we do not Fear for our survival we are busy making money to survive, never stepping out of the Money roller coaster that has come to define our lives as The reason and Purpose, instead of stopping and seeing that I am working toward a steady income and that before I do something that can put someone else in jeopardy I have to Breathe and remind myself that fear of survival is just another program and that I do not have to accept myself as The fear of Survival that is driving my Life at the moment but I can push myself to breathe more consistently until I disengage from the fear of Survival program for good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself about the choices I have made in my life due to Money, suppressing The truth of How many things I have done just for Money regardless of the consequences that my actions brought upon others around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Blame myself for the choices I made that were Money based in my Life and for suppressing this Blame instead of correcting myself for my own self cast judgement that would lead me to justify myself within The Justifier Character in a never ending loop

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself regarding the point of Money' telling myself that 'everyone is just doing that and that there is no other Way but to align to this system where Money decides who lives and who dies, instead of standing up for a Solution to the World System to guarantee that we will no longer have to experience ourselves between the limited choices of Money/Survival and Fear of death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that Justifies everything I do, looking for faults into others, into others' actions, into other's words, to make sure I never experience myself in a 'negative way' instead of seeing and realizing that I create the How I experience myself and then I create the Justifications to blame others so I can stop experiencing myself in the way I created my experience, instead of stopping the experience of me as thoughts, feelings and emotions and walking consistently to step out of the Mind for good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when the Justifier  steps in, desire to share my justifications with another/others, to make sure they too can justify me for my actions once I find all the right points to blame another about, instead of stopping, breathing, looking at what I am doing and Why and address my own experience of myself as the Creator of my experience and the One that can correct it and stop it once and for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to justify myself in fear that I will lose value points within my relationships with others when I do something that I myself judge as wrong, as in a negative way instead of a miss-take that is not aligned to Life and What is best for All, as I have come to measure myself through other people's approval of me, instead of realizing I am the one that must approve of me at all times as I walk in Self Honesty as The Correction of myself, for myself as Life and What is Best for All

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Day 119: Wake Up, Wake Up, Wake Up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear falling asleep as a Child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dread the moment in which I would close my eyes and experience the freefalling into darkness and nothingness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sleeping in the afternoon is what 'normal people' do to take a rest, instead of seeing and realizing there was an anomaly within the Sleeping World if we wanted to switch off and Not be Here at all times

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not normal because I did not want to sleep in the afternoons as it seemed like wasted time but I compared myself to all other kids who did and accepted and allowed myself to believe my teachers and caretakers without seeing and realizing that just like me when I took care of kids later in life, they wanted time for themselves and to just shut the kids off

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to shut the kids off when I later took care of them as I saw it as my right to do to them what was done to me ‘because I knew better, because I was older’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry as I lied down on the mattresses bottling up feeling of powerlessness for having to switch myself off on command

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel wrong and disturbed for feeling angry and powerless in the face of adults who told me what was best for my body instead of realizing my body knew best than the adults who didn't even know what was best for them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others know what is best for me as my physical body, including doctors, when in fact I am the one that knows best as I am the one who lives with and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint my body with Characters that now speak like my body expressing needs and desires that are Not of my body but of my Mind, and that it will take some time before I can trust my body again to not speak on behalf of my Characters but I will get there walking backward and deleting the information I published into my body that my body has now automated into behaviors, wants and needs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that until my body s no longer contaminated by what I posted into it as the Mind, I will have to rely on my common sense to check out what is supportive and what would be best for my body and that learning to step in as the self directive principle is of paramount importance as my body at the moment is not automated for self support and what is best for all, but for self abuse and self interest, and it will take consistent breathing to return myself in and as the Physical to a point of Mutual Effective Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that adults knew best, as this sickness that is age related as experience I have then passed it on to the younger ones when I was finally older and cold tell them that " I know best what it’s good for you – better than you- because I am older and have more ‘experience’ which just meant already indoctrinated and perceptually damaged' perpetuating the disempowerment and separation of ourselves from and as the physical onto the new generations and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in love with pot as I believed that it was the solution to my dislike and resistence of the falling asleep moment as pot transitioned me from awake to asleep seamlessly through passing out and shutting down the noise in my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love that moment in which I could feel I was about to pass out, accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with that one moment/that one feeling of forced shut down while I made myself powerless to enable myself to shut myself down as The Mind just through my own Self Directive principle of Not participating in and as The Mind and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless when it comes to shutting myself down as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to shut down as a way to Not be Here facing how I was experiencing myself as Fear and judgments of myself as someone who had fucked up beyond redemption and for believing that shutting down, passing out was a blessing instead of seeing and realizing the B-Lessing of myself in every moment in which I did not want to be Here in unconditional Self Support to walk myself out of the Mind as the parasite that stands between me and Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character that seeks those shutting down moments of oblivion that I then manifest through desires, such the desire to sleep, or drink a glass of wine -to make myself sleepy- or anything that will bring me back to that one moment that I filed as 'Bliss' when I smoked Pot for the first times and I saw I could drift away from reality without any effort, I would just have to give up me as Life and that would be it and within this I forgive myself for giving up my Life to the desire to Not have to Take responsibility for myself and All of Existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in extensive self judgments that turned into anxiety and depression that I ended up believing was to be The Experience of me, to which I had to subject myself as I saw no choice, no way out, instead of seeing and realizing I was just lacking the tools to support myself but when I found them I started to walk my self correction and so within this I commit myself to stop the self judgments of me as they are based on memories of Characters and not on myself living and Breathing Here, walking to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of the world and the 'life' we are sold and then have to buy, and for believing I was weird as I could not find a place for myself where I felt honest and real as I switched from Character to Character, no longer knowing who I was, who I am as I gave up my power to Thoughts and their Emotions and Feelings as Energy as Having Value over Life itself, instead of seeing and realizing the value of Life Here in and as every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that this Character will not go away by itself as it is embedded in me as me through my own acceptances and allowances but I have to deliberately STOP myself from giving in, no matter what justifications are offered about WHY it would be great/cool/appropriate to just go and take a nap, when I can see it is My Mind that seeks the shut down and not My Body and so I'm looping, doing to myself what they did to me as a child, shutting myself down so I as the Mind can take a break to recharge and kick in stronger each time I give in and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within looping the abuse of the adults of me as a Child regarding sleep as shutting down

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which we have turned functions of support for the body such as sleep, into tools to just not be Here, justifying with each other WHY it is good to sleep, take sleeping pills, drink, smoke pot, just anything that will allow the switching off into oblivion so we won't have to face this world and what is has become as the manifested consequences of our Fear and Separation, instead of stopping and asking ourselves WHY have we turned everything upside down, why can't we sleep anymore but have to knock ourselves down, WHY we don't register any of the anomalies of this existence in Utter Fear that we will have to stand up and do something about it, because this is NOT the World anyone should come to and it is required for all of us to WAKE UP and stand as the correction and the Change that we wish to see in the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as a reward, accepting and allowing myself to believe that for me to move a reward is required, and since I have turned sleep into a moment of perceived Lack of responsibility, in which once I drift off I can leave this world to those that are awake, then I use it to Re-Ward myself and justify why it makes sense that after 'this and that' I should take my turn to leave the helm and Not be responsible, because hei, I was sleeping, as I fear that any other moment in which I am not in fact asleep there is responsibilities to be taken, things to do that have to be done from which I become exempted the moment I sleep, instead of realizing that my sleep/dreams are becoming worse than my waking time as I get to experience the fear of existence without my ability to stand up and direct the point and so I see and realize that sleep won't be restful until I use it as an escapism and therefore I have to disengage sleep from an idea of escape so I can return myself to be awake when I am awake and rest when I am asleep as a support for my physical body and NOT as a treat to the Mind.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life sucks and then finally, hopefully we Die, seeing the good bit of Life in Death, promoting the philosophical Gnostic bullshit that We Pay for Death with Life, accepting and believing that Life is in fact this shithole of experiences that The Mind offers, on a swing to nothingness from happy to sad, from brave to fearful, from loving to hateful, lost within a Character Play that makes no sense and yet instead of questioning reality we seek Escapes such as Sleeping or the Ultimate One, Death, without seeing realizing and understanding that We Have Been Here before, again and again, accepting beliefs of Imaginary Lessons and Grades to Achieve, instead of stopping and wondering, hei, how comes I have lived this before, same story, same pattern, am I looping, how, Why, Who am I, How can I stop? Seeing and realizing that death is not the solution if we are back Here drained, tired, sick and finally Dead, just to start it all over again, until WE STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace Death as the solution to Life as I died every day a little, always disappointed that I would wake up again and again, no matter what I did to blast myself out of existence, waking up in my own groundhog day just to face the same fears, judgments, emotions and feelings I did not want to participate in but I did not know how to stop, until I did, with the support of Desteni, seeing how it is that all Loops and Loopholes are My Creation, how everything I have ever lived or believed to Live I have created and how only I can undo it, my creation, my Child, correct it to realign it to Oneness and Equality to give up Death for Life once and for All, so I can Here myself and give to myself what I sought outside of myself in separation from myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

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