Day 255: Fear & Desire of Attention from Men

A few weeks ago as I was walking to school in my neighborhood I passed by a man and he looked at me straight in the eyes and said 'wow, you are so beautiful', he was on the phone, I was early and he put his call on hold to ask me why he had never seen me before and if I was from the area. Since he was a foreigner close to the school that was still closed I said I was going to school and I asked him if he was going to school too, he said yes and I said 'I'll see you there then' and walked away.

When I met him on my second walking round of the neighborhood while waiting for the school to open he stopped me to ask me more information, my heart jumped in my throat and I didn't know what to say when 'out of character' and ended up saying the stupidest thing which was basically 'look I am the teacher and you are a student so keep your place' to which he looked at me widening his eyes and said 'I didn't say anything offensive, just that you are beautiful' but by then I had picked up speed in my nonsense reply and held my ground with 'whatever, it's a matter of roles', a point I myself couldn't even comment on because I was too ashamed and walked away pretending it didn't even happen.

I reacted with pleasure the first round when everything was 'still under control' and fear on the second meeting, I breathed through them both flagging the point to write about it later and then I didn't.

So far I have not received any attention from my students to trigger this Character into action, but last night during class, I noticed a guy -that a couple of weeks ago kept looking at my ass every time I went to write on the board but it didn't make me react-, his interest became more palpable and he made efforts to follow the lesson without disturbing, out of character for him as he was written on the registry as 'a disturbing element', which he most certainly was as he played with his phone and smsed most of the -past- class.

When I go to school I wear make up, I have not yet overcome completely the habit of believing that I am unpresentable and 'out of order' without it, I just make up my eyes not a theatre kind of make up, just a city kind of make up, as I said 'to be presentable' and a bit less weird than I feel for not being aligned to fashion and what is required of an 'Italian woman in public', make up is taught as part of 'personal hygiene' for the brain damaged women of the West, it seems like we have not washed without it and we would be exposed to the public reproach if we didn't comply.


So last night when he was looking to lock my eyes, I went through the reaction first for having made up and then I skipped the pleasurable part altogether and moved straight into fear when he started to make flirty jokes.

I am not 100% sure of the reason for this fear and if I always had it but did not notice because I used to wear my flirty character and always had a clever come back to put men back in their place or to encourage them elegantly if I was interested, and since I joined Desteni and I set aside all relationships with males, specifically because I was a relationship danger to myself and others, this new fear has emerged.



Last night when I said to my class 'ok I will come 1/2 an hour earlier but don't leave me alone here' everyone said fine, sure while he replied "I would never leave you alone', then in these sequence I felt a feeling of fear the fight to suppress it and hide it and then embarrassment, ending in a total loss of control of my emotional experience.


So, how did last night evolve to that point? I don't know, I was very careful to not give anyone any special attention even when he stood up and came to clean the drawing board for me, I did not look at him in any particular misleading way, but as he turned his back I looked at his body from behind and made a mental assessment, I actually saw myself doing that, which I didn't like, I didn't like the result of the assessment either, which was that he had a cool body and he was doable, so maybe I went into embarrassment due to my own internal backchat about him, having taken his cleaning the board for me personally as an 'act of interest' and then feeling obliged to reciprocate the assessment and check where I stood.


I have found myself in some pretty unpleasant consequences in my life due to how I let slide considering all points of a possible physical interaction with men, some consequences I didn't even face, I left them behind for the men to face, in this case I know I would not want to have a fling with a student, another point is how once a man is interested in me, even when I was not interested to start with, his interest in me makes him immediately interesting. Weird.



So I will walk my self forgiveness for my play out with men considering these 2 events.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react with pleasure and a feeling of being 'more' than before the compliment was Paid when I am told 'you are beautiful, sei bella' spoken by a man


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my reaction in self judgement because I am no longer supposed to react, I am above reacting to the compliment of a man and for feeling disappointed at myself I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel at a loss for words when I could not step into the flirty character because I have always and only interacted with men either through disinterest/dismissing them as not attractive or just plain stupid or flirted and I don't know how to interact with a man without wearing a Character/Personality trusting that I can just Self Express without needing to know 'what would be the appropriate thing to say now that I am walking with Desteni in reply to a compliment' which was what I was trying to assess, because when I check in my mind for this feedback, I have only moved away from some of my usual Characters into the Desteni Character which is not fully automatized and as such I saw realized and understood how I desired to play a Character, just the Right kind of Character and not the ones I have judged as bad and abusive, instead of self Expressing beyond ANY Character in the moment in Self trust in and as Breath


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear compliments from men as I fear that I will react with interest, because this is what I accepted and allowed myself to believe I am supposed to do, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I just accepted the belief of those that came before me about relationships between men and women instead of investigating for myself the reason why I should react in any way when someone pays me a compliment and why immediately my interest for them changes as they fulfilled through complimenting me some imaginary requirement for the 'beginning of a potential relationship, be it sexual or emotional' and for accepting compliments as a trigger to my relationship characters/personalities, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire compliments from men as a form of validation of myself as a woman, because a woman should be beautiful to be a woman at all and for then suppressing this desire because I judged it as inappropriate and based on self interest as I wished to be beautiful even if that meant someone had to be ugly by comparison, and for polarizing myself about desire for beauty and fear of ugliness I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I felt the fear rise the first time I met a student in the street, to, instead of breathing thoroughly through the fear and give myself a chance to see what was underneath, to take a self righteous position all the way into 'the teacher role' so I ended up feeling fearful AND ridiculous as I saw what I was doing to try and put this man into a position of inferiority as I feared his compliment may harm me in some ways as in trigger some character/personalities I am aware I have not taken self directive principle over, and for judging myself as ridiculous and then suppressing this whole incident without releasing myself from it, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to diminish another to diminish my own self created fear, instead of addressing the fear at its roots so I would stop fearing another and triggering the desire to diminish him/her in a futile attempt to diminish my fear


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I first discovered that men saying 'nice things' about me would give me a feeling of value and pride, to believe that my value and pride lay in the words I could elicit from a man due to my appearance and for seeking value and pride through the words of another in separation from myself as self worth and self pride, I forgive myself


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must wear make up to align with the ideal of beauty of my culture, because I fear being ugly and for believing women with no make up are ugly just because I bought into i-deals I was sold and models of beauty to fit consumerism and the purchase of make up products I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when last night I perceived the interest of one of my student that went out of his way to find the right product to clean the whiteboard for me, to then evaluate him on my mental meat market to see if he was usable, and for seeing myself doing that all the way through assessing his body and how he was moving and not stopping myself with breath to not do to another what I don't want to be done to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he made a joke that 'he would never leave me alone' to feel the activation of my relationship Character and the fear coming up with it as I exposed to myself how much I would like to have a relationship, no matter how deep I have buried this desire and denied its existence so I would not have to face the point that I desire to not be alone even though I fear someone coming into my life and the havoc that a relationship would bring to my still fragile stability and my process of self correction and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a friction inside myself between the desire for the attention of men and the fear of the attention from men and what this could lead to, such as a relationship

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame on men and their being around me, my sense of discomfort as fear that I may be triggered into some personalities I have not yet acquired self directive principle over and that I will be just back at square one, disappointed at myself and perceiving I have not changed, while I in fact have changed and I just have to acknowledge I have not yet come to my 'relationships with men' personalities/characters but step by step, breath by breath I will address those as well until I no longer exists as the fear/desire of being complimented by a man and the fear/desire for a relationship to pacify the fear of being alone for good



I commit myself to use those chances I have now that I am returning to the world to interact with others, to see where and how I need to correct myself regarding 'relationships with men' so I can stand stable in and as breath and not allow myself to be swayed by external event on which I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had no control over

I commit myself to no longer believe that I have no control over my relationship with men and to see realize and understand I can stand in and as self responsibility to change those points as they arise one by one, until I learn to express myself naturally without the need to embody relationships characters or personalities

I commit myself to see realize and understand that everything I am doing to change myself is a process of accumulation and each correction I make to move beyond my self interest to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All accumulates in the kind of person I want to be, standing for what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• 109- Stand in the Shoes of another to Make Decisions
• 110- Starting over as Stepping outside the 'Comfort Zone'
• Day 284: Residing in Pompous-City
• Day 231: The Sex Market - Trading in Love & Money
• 111 - For Self Give

Day 98: The Arrogant Character goes Underground as Backchat and Gossip

Having come to the conclusion that Arrogance is NOT Socially rewarded, nor was rewarded within my family unless it was called something else, like 'being the best, the most beautiful, the best dressed, the most stilish' as attributes of value, the Arrogance Character moved underground, and set up shop within The Secret Mind.

This by no means shows that it was gone, it was just hidden, entertained within the secrecy of my own Mind or with 'close' friends, other people who would have Gossips of Value to share, because like in everything there is a market Value to Gossips and Secrets, the more outrageous, the more they wished to stay Secret, the Highest their market Value.

As a result of this another Character developed, which was the 'I share All of Myself Character' which was/is as devious as all the others because by no means everything is shared, as that would put me in an undesired position of vulnerability, but the things to share would be weighted on the 'Secret Market', given a value, and used for exchanges of secrets, hopefully fishing out more interesting secrets than the Ones given up in the Trade.

The amount of backchats and comments that were and still are running in my mind about everybody is quite relevant as the Arrogant Character is always seeking for points of value in another to diminish, to level the playfield so that it would never have to feel 'less than another' while failing to see that it is because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own diminishment relative to experiences and relationships that did not come out 'Picture Perfect' as they have been defined and filed in my Mind as the desirable Standard, that this Character exists in the first place, seeking to be more in fear of being less, desiring to be special in fear of NOT being special, not wanting to be Equal because Equal stands in the way of my specialness, and then where would I get my Value from?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and deny my Arrogant Character, because I did not want to face the shame and the embarrassment I feel for what I get up to when I accept and allow myself to embody this Character, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for embodying my Arrogant Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when someone says 'you are arrogant' feeling as if I have been called out, ineffective in covering up what really goes on in My Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that it is because I fear losing my cover and being exposed that I react and not because of what someone says about me being Arrogant, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called out and exposed as 'Arrogant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disclosing this Character because, if I do, then I have to Change and lose my right to diminish others in my mind and I will then have to face all the points where I have diminished myself, made myself less, put value on things outside of myself searching for value in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Change and the loss of my privilege to secretly gossip about others in my mind and my chance to allow the commentary about everyone I approach to run unchecked, while I pretend it's not happening

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about others as a way to feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gossip and secrets as something that I could trade on the Market of Gossip and Secrets, using them as a currency to gain trust and open doors that I perceived and believed would be otherwise locked unless a trade of secrets and gossip would take place to cement a partnership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some friends are closer than others and with them it's normal and allowed to gossip, because this is what close friends do, to let each other know how special they are to each other, pretending to share everything while the only sharing that takes place is about others and their secrets and what one wants to share to uphold the Character through which the interaction is taking place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that having secrets is weird in the first place, as secrets imply that they must be stored somewhere, away from public eyes, away from my own eyes as well, sometimes, without considering that wherever I stored secrets that I loaded with guilt and shame they would be bound to fester and rot and create a Secret Mind with a life of its own, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge secrets within my secret Mind with guilt and shame and for feeling guilt and shame relative to secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that having secrets that cannot be shared means that we will never be able to trust one another, as each one will be too busy trying to work out what is the other one keeping secret and why, and that to build a different world we will have to give up all our secrets to show each other who we really are and what have accepted and allowed ourselves to become so we can stand in and as Self Correction as the Self Directive principle of Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing this point because what if someone I know will read and judge me and think 'ah, so this is what you have done the whole time, you bitch', failing to see I fear my own judgement of myself and this is why I keep this Character secret just like I keep other Characters secrets because Characters are a sign of Mental disorders I do not want to share with the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I did to others in my secret mind and with friends, they would do to me, accepting and allowing myself to live a life of paranoia, thinking 'what do they think, what will they say' allowing my fear of the judgement of others about my life to run my choices or the choices I pretended to make so I could get a favorable review for my Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why and how I started to run an internal commentary about every person I met or had an exchange with, even though the commentary was offering opinions and thoughts I was not in agreement with or I saw they were not benevolent in nature, yet I allowed and accepted myself to participate in them anyway, blaming the others for the commentary that was obviously born because they were THAT way and not as something born out of my sick mind that needs to be rooted out and rewritten to be realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than people that said 'I can keep a secret,' because I could not as I saw that secrets were currency within my Secret Mind, keys to favors and good feelings to share with others while I exposed friends and family just for the energetic charge that I would get by painting them as the vile and wrong ones while I painted myself as the good and right one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I exposed this point, it would be another layer of known 'communication skills' that I would have to give up and then I would not know what to talk about if not about others and gossips and secrets, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not giving up anything of value and this is not a SKILL but a rotting point within me that I want to let go and change as I realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other people's lives as comparison with mine to see who was living the best life, the most righteous, looking for points in which I could prove their unworthiness to cover up my own feelings of unworthiness and unrighteousness and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was unworthy and wrong/bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that gossiping is normal, that it happens behind all closed doors as I saw my grandparents do it, waiting for 'a friend' to leave their presence and then cutting them down to shreds, deluding myself that I was better than that because I would not so OBVIOUSLY do such a thing, but would go about it in a more refined way, choosing my words carefully as to not be exposed as a gossiper but as a caring worried friend that had their best outcome at heart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my words irresponsibly, carelessly, just for my own energetic rushes that would always leave me with mixed feelings as I failed to realize that every judgement is just Self judgement and that whatever I could see in another I could only see, and assume because it existed in me, as me and I preferred to point it out in them as them than facing Me, standing up in Self responsibility to Change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and events in my mind of facts that happened so I could tell 'my side of the story' which was just that, a story that I made up in alignment with the Characters I tried to protect and defend, whose existence I believed to be my own existence as me, as who I really am and for fearing losing my identity as a personality, a Character that I failed to see was never Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the gossips I spread would come up and that I would have to face my absolute lack of respect for other human beings, One and Equal to me, just to protect my own identity as The Non Gossiper, the One Above Gossiping so I could keep on Gossiping and get away with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my gossiping, the damages I created in other people's lives as in the gossiping I was exposing their Characters that I had sworn to support and uphold through the game of friendship as they swore to support and uphold mine so we could keep on pretending to be separate, and not One and Equal and stand to stop this Self destructive game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't know how to stop the gossiping because I don't know what is the right thing to say to not engage in gossip as a way to get close to someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no right thing to say, unless it is a Character looking for its script that is posing the question, and that when I will be faced with the chance, opportunity, desire to gossip I can stop, breathe and speak in the Here moment according to my Self Directive Principle of no longer participating in Gossiping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn onto the worldwide gossiping scene, through magazine and gossip news, when I tried to kick the habit, moving into gossiping about movie stars and public figures, believing that there is no harm in that since I do not know them and they do not know me, failing to see that it is not about them in any way, or about people that I do not know as in the direct damage I can cause, it is about me and who I accept and allow myself to be within the desire to diminish others and be happy about their failures just so that I can feel better about myself and my poor excuse for a life, as I switch from One Character to another while I fail to be Here in and as Breath and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to be Here in and as Breath and for not consistently remind myself to Breathe and earth myself instead of getting lost in and as The Mind and the Characters I play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself within gossiping, accepting and allowing myself to believe that some gossips are better and less harmful than others, instead of just stopping my internal commentary, breathing, reminding myself every time I see any movement or reaction or judgement about another being that it is Self in front of me and that I no longer allow myself to participate in thinking or speaking or moving in self judgement and externalized self judgement toward another as I stand in Self Correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

Tomorrow will follow with Self Corrective and Self Commitment Statements

Day 87: 'The Rejected' Character

Yesterday I received my first official rejection letter for a job I have applied for.

There could have been many reasons, no longer the age because I have removed the date of birth from my CV, could have been the money I asked, could have been that they had another person that was coming from their specific sector, many many reasons.

Instead I took it personally, I felt 'rejected'.

My mum called today to tell me a story of fights going on with her friends, they were all stories about rejection, how could they not be ?

I failed in the Supporting Character Role and was told to 'go and fuck off', I said 'you too mum'. There was no reactions on my side, just the disappointment that I failed to support the Character just to step into Character at the end, it was a fun relaxed mocking 'fuck off', yet I was back in Character.

The Rejection Character is a second hand Character (maybe a 10000 hand down, still fresh as New), it was passed on to me as a family memory, a memento of a Life that my mum lived as 'The Rejected' by her own mum, and then by her own dad and she ended up living with her grandmother, so To validate this memory and be able to live out this Character I sought my own rejection experiences to charge the memory, validate it and bring this Character alive as me.

I breathed life into it, as the God of my existence.

My first memory of rejection is the story that I was not loved immediately when I was born, this story did not match the story of the loving mothers who would give their life for their children, my mum did not, possibly she suffered post partum depression of which nothing was known at the time, yet, when I heard her the first time share this story with some of her friends I felt a wave of shame, then sadness and I wanted to go to my room and hide to hide the tears, I was not wanted, not loved as soon as she looked into my face, Rejected.

Since this memory was linked to a Character that had to live in and as me as part of my preprogramming, I still remember the memory of that moment, the shame and the anger as well that she would share this with her nothing friends, make them more them me, share this just to entertain them, to show how honest she was about herself, I felt hatred as well for my mum, a rightful hatred.

Interesting because when she would through the years bring up again and again the story of when she was a child and one day she run to her father to show him affection and love and he pushed her away and how much this damaged her, I would think 'Enough already, get over it, you were5 years old, 65 now, we are still talking about it'

Now I see that my irritation was at myself as I knew I myself treasured my own memories of Rejection as the fuel and lifeforce of my 'Rejected Character'.

My mum was always outspoken about her fear to be rejected she would ask 'let me in, I'm not the dog's daughter' when she would catch me and grandma in conversation.

I did not manifest this Character in the same way, my Fear of rejection was too big to be exposed, exposing this point would give others a weapon against me, they could always reject me if they knew what I felt and how damaged I perceived myself at every new rejection incident, so this Character is one of my Secret Characters, never spoken about and when spoken about would be to be denied, I had no fear of rejection, anyone could leave me any time, good riddance to them.

Everytime I would perceive a rejection I would physically tighten up and feel tearful, bringing back to me as me the memory of my First rejection and the emotions and feelings I filed with it.

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character

My mum saying she did not love me at first sight

My mum standing up for other kids against me

My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me

My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days

My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me

My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

One of my boyfriend that told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend

When I was the mistress of a guy and he told me he was going back to his wife

When I had a fling with a guy who forgot to tell me he had two children with a girl and he went back to her after telling me he wanted to be with me

My ex husband that I feared regretted to have married me

My ex husband who did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage

My ex husband who told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself

My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize but she told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I see I have actually fared pretty well in my loopholes of the Rejection Game :)

The Secret Thoughts of this Character

Fuck off
I don't need YOU
I will show YOU
You will see
You will regret it
You will miss me (this now comes up as the most pathetic)
You'll never have another woman like me

The words I would speak while in the Rejection Character

That's It
I'm tired of this shit
I don't have to take this shit
I don't give a shit
See if I care
I won't look back


Facial expression
Indfference

Body stance
Ready to leave
Taking my things, packing up

Emotions & Feelings
Embarrassment, Anger -suppressed-, feelings of inferiority/superiority, Righteousness, Self Pity, Fear


Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements to Follow Tomorrow