Day 118: Wake Me Up When it's All Over - Character

Hypnos and Thanatos, Sleep and His Half-Brother Death, an 1874 painting by John William Waterhouse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I have always had an odd relationship with sleep, as a kid I really disliked sleeping, especially the moment before 'falling' asleep as that is how it felt to me, a fall, like being sucked into a twirling bottomless black hole.

I tried to explain to my family why I did not like to sleep and the falling in the black hole moment but they told me it was just my imagination and that I should close my eyes and just 'sleep'.

I remember seeking ways for safety on my bed, moving against the wall with my back, curling up in a fetal position and hanging onto the blankets, hoping that if I were to fall into the bottomless spinning black hole, I would be able to hang on to something and 'climb back' out.

Kindergarten and summer camps at the time were agony, they forced us to sleep in the afternoons, not for our own good, as they said, but for the good of the adults that planned their breaks around our unnecessary, unrequired  'sleeping time', I would be forced to comply and would lay on the floor mattresses for the afternoon waiting for the 'sleeping time ' to be over.

When I stayed at my grandparents they would sleep in the afternoon, they would ask me to lie down and sleep, as if this was what adults do, take a rest, a nap, a break within a day that nobody enjoyed but just walked through as the zombies we have become. I did, for the sake of being on their good books.

When I grew up I would postpone my sleeping time in the evening as much as I could, would find millions of things to do that had to be done before I took to the bed, which drove my mum crazy, I would not sleep more than 6 hours per night except for some nights that my mum called catch up nights in which I went into long sleeps to 'pile up sleeping hours' - this is what she said I did.

I didn't like dreaming either, I was not in control of dreaming and my dreams were weird, lucid dreaming was better, I could direct it, move things and people around in my mind and wouldn't get to feel so hopeless and powerless as when I slept. Waking up was not much better either, I didn't know if I disliked more the falling asleep or the waking up, they were both frightening and disappointing.

When I started to smoke Pot I loved that I would NOT fall asleep, I sorted of drifted into sleep, fainted into sleep, fading out of the day, the waking up still sucked, but one side was fixed, the falling asleep was better, painless, unnoticeable.

On my way to becoming used to Pot, I passed out many times, passing out was NOT nice, those were the only times when the black hole of my childhood came back to suck me in, in time I managed to master the 'what to do as I pass out' just like I did as a kid, do not resist the black hole, there is nothing to fear about it, you'll be here again as soon as dawn comes, it's a promise AND a threat.....

Many many times I have had the hidden and suppressed desire to NOT wake up anymore, I tried to cross all sorts of lines as in mixing alcohol and pot, which would make me very sick with a painful anxiety filled passing out, but of this moment what I remember best is my disappointment at waking up, yet again, sick, hangover-ed and seeing that I lived groundhog Day, day in and day out, no escape, what would it take me to never wake up again ? Could I ever NOT wake up again ?

Everybody said how dying in your sleep is the best death, funny how we promote things we have not tried personally and no one has personally related, with absolute Faith, Die in Your Sleep, it's the Best Death, the Best deal, you won't even notice, so I think this is what I tried unsuccessfully for many long years.

Even now some days I feel this pull to sleep, to close my eyes and stop all stimulus, all thoughts, worries, projections, judgements, I desire to STOP the experience of Me, and so I close my eyes and drift off and sometime when I wake up to go to pee I purposefully walk zombified to the toilet to NOT wake myself up, so I can return to the slumber as I have accepted within a Character that I still embody as Real, that there is nothing worth living for and still carry this thought as a memory and as a Character inside of me as Me and occasionally when the desire to not be Here to face myself comes up, I pull out this Character from the sleeve and step into it to just go away, for some time, maybe forever, can I please just wake up when It's All Over, Please, Pretty Please ?

Self forgiveness and Self corrective Statements to correct myself and delete this Character once and for All soon to follow

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Day 48: I Have a Dream

I have had a few interesting dreams since I have started to walk my process of Self Correction. One thing I have seen is that I have moved from horror dreams to 'dreamy dreams', possibly as I have decided that I would rather face the horrors of me when awake than when sleeping.

When I was a kid I hated to go to sleep, once in the bed and about to sleep I had a feeling of being sucked into a black spiral and of falling, which led me to develop the habit of sleeping against the wall, it was the same as being drunk and it would happen only when I closed my eyes in that moment just before 'falling asleep', the falling was actually real.

When I smoked pot I used to move from awake to fainting into sleep, so I skipped that moment for which I still held fears, even though 'the falling into nothingness' seemed to fade as I grew up.

Last night I had a few dreams, I always hoped to be able to go 'back' into a dream, when I get up to pee at night I hope to go to the toilet in a zombie state, trying to not wake up too much just 'hoping' I may get back to where I was just before waking up, specifically if the dream was 'good'. I never managed this, once a dream stops, the mind moves on to the next storyline.

The one that I remembered this morning was me meeting a guy, we were in Asia, I assumed at one point that we were in Thailand, there was great chemistry between us, there were hints and words to show me how happy he had been to meet me, he was a successful artist -I think- I remember clearly evaluating him and checking if he would have stood as a 'valuable 'option for myself, he did. We met his ex wife and 2 kids, surprisingly his 2 kids were monkeys or monkey like, this can be due to a comment I once heard from a German guy in Thailand that said, the Thais were Monkeys and I felt particularly offended because he had married 2 Thai Women and had kids and I could not reconcile his stance inside me.

In the dream I remember wanting to show him how good I was with his monkey kids and how much they loved me, just to impress him.

I don't recall the sex, only the anticipation and him asking me 'do you want me to take you now ?' in a sort of annoyed way, probably because I showed my impatience for sex and implying I should reply NO because giving in too easily and NOT allowing this build up would have made me cheap in his eyes.

The clue of the dream was a feeling of how far I have been willing to go in my life to 'be liked by a man' and to be able to believe that I was 'valuable', something I have criticised about my mother and I have lived out with a different twist, not like her, showing she did not feel she was valuable as this was evident to me, but pretending that I believed I was worthy and valuable and a 'real prize', just to in fact be nothing more than the carbon copy of my mother and all the women of my family who would have given up everything for a man just to be loved and cherished, a job none of us was willing to do for ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love myself and for not being here for myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sleeping as a child and the moment I would spiral out into nothingness to the point that I had to hold the bed to not perceive myself as disappearing into the void, fearing I may never return

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the void of sleep

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to oversleep as a way to not be Here but lost somewhere in my imaginary world, without having to feel responsible or guilty for my participation in alternate realities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as alternate realities instead of pushing myself to be Here in Breath from which I do not desire to run away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to run away from me as The Mind, looking for an imaginary solace in my sleep

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if and when I am loved by a man I am more worthy than when I am not because my own love and my own being here for myself are not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak for desiring a relationship with a man and for suppressing this desire denying that I desired a man that loved and cherished me while I did not love/cherished myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or other women for desiring a relationship because I disliked how my mum became inside a relationship giving up all of herself to be loved and cherished by a man, instead of seeing I disliked myself because I knew I desired a relationship and that I would do the same

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and relationships because I blamed them for who and what I accepted and allowed as myself within a relationship to be accepted and loved instead of seeing I feared myself and what I was willing to do to get that love and acknowledgement from a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be swept off my feet instead of seeing that when I am swept off my feet I am not grounded and I separate myself from Self Here while I dis-earth myself for positive feedback and love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dis-earth myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent hearing racist comments about Asian people instead of seeing I held my own racist comments and just did not express them in fear that I would be judged/would judge myself as being a racist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some races are more worthy than others based on an imaginary value that I have accepted and allowed as me as the definition of all of us within a monetary/value system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a man that makes me look good in front of others, that gives me face and gives me a good image, not realizing I have chased imaginary ideas and beliefs regarding what can give me value and worth in separation from myself as life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to envy women who have relationships because they can be loved and cherished instead of seeing I envied the imaginary feelings I would have access to through a relationship that would make me feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel good about myself so I spent my life looking for ways to feel good about myself, instead of questioning the Polarity of this existence as our starting point and looking for ways to step out of any polarity game to bring myself back to earth in and as Breath, as stability of Self as Life, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Relationships and what they do to me instead of seeing that no one has ever done anything to me but me and that I can stop in the moment I stop existing as someone who looks for energy fixes to give myself a high that will unavoidably will be followed by a low

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'dream' about the day when I would meet my soul mate and my life would finally be sorted out instead of seeing I am the one who must sort myself out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sex and my being unable to step out of the mind to experience myself in and as the physical because I fear all the sexual trash I have put in my mind over the years that may condition both how I behave and how I feel within a sexual experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a kind gentleman next to me and for then ask for rough sex as a way to feel intensity and desire that gave me a sense of value, distorting the nature of the men that I chose for their qualities and then wanted to change into something else to satisfy my Mind/Energy desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose men for their potential and never for who they were, and for then trying to change them in the way they looked and behaved so I could feel satisfied that I was mirrored back effectively as someone that understood and bent to the requirement of the system in terms of how to behave and how to dress and how to interact with others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Relationships because I fear I will still manipulate and try to have it my way in my search for value and worth and I won't allow another to just be and self express instead of seeing that i am not my past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not good material for a relationship due to my past behaviours instead of seeing I am not my past unless I accept and allow myself to be defined by it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing I would not do for a man to prove my worth instead of seeing that this belief about myself shows another point of worthlessness of and as me that I have lived throughout my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to worthlessness, seeking value and worth outside of myself while I was unable to see that worth and value of me as Self exist Here in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving into memories or about to move into memories of past relationship and 'good moments within them' as a way to feed my desire for and as relationship, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in memories of who I have been that I have used to define myself and that I wish to STOP my participation in and as the past, in and as memories so I may embrace myself Here from which I can create a different future for myself, Breath by Breath

When and as I see myself suppressing or about to suppress the desire for a relationship that may arise when I meet a man I am physically attracted to, I stop, breathe, remind myself that my next relationship if I should have one cannot be based on the same parameters that I have used to choose in the past because I know where those roads lead, but I will stand for and as Life and walk into an agreement only and if I am ready for it, when and if I am ready for it, choosing what is Best for me and Best for all

When and as I see myself regretting what could have been with my ex husband if I had this understanding of how to manage my thoughts feelings and emotions when I was married, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the past is past, and that the end of my relationship is the consequence I have manifested for me to walk of all my backchats made of fears, judgements, ideas and beliefs, and that there is no point about regretting if not the point of seeing what did not work out and what were the patterns I played out so as to not repeat them again

I commit myself to stop my existence as the desire for relationships, romance, being loved and cherished and I stand to walk myself into and as the unconditional self acceptance of me Here in every moment of Breath, so as to never ask another to do for me what I am not willing to do for myself

I commit myself to stop dreaming and suppressing my desires of and as relationships and love, so that I can stop my existence as the distractions of delusional desires and Start Living