Day 262: Anna Karenina's Loves and how to Stop.

How did I change through this process?

This topic is one in which I see both my change and my resistance.

The change took the form of being able to see what is really here, the resistances takes the form of wanting to brush what is really here under the carpet so I can hold on, one last time, to the potential for love.

The point that I wrote myself out so much in the past months has made this idea of love so watered down that it slips through my fingers even when I attempt to hold on to it against my best interest and so it has become a double battle, one with myself to let go and one with myself as I judge myself for how poorly I have managed to hold on to it, how I fucked up my chance to have the romance, even just by sms or in my Mind, but no, I had to sleepwalk at times and write too much, exposing too much how I have changed, not nurturing the lie that I could with a bit of effort step back into 'who I was' so we could have the 'who we were' for a time, just once more.

Today I hence deleted the Facebook friendship and the skype contact, the two places I have identified as having done the most damage to 'my image' having exposed too much first about my change and then about what I would really like, such as a connection, something real, a man to chat to self honesty, a real friend.

I know this was not about sex, not because I don't want a lover, I just don't want it now because I See that unless I walk myself into my physical sexual expression first, I'll end up role playing again in bed and that will stand in the way of my process of getting to know myself beyond the imaginary sexual hang ups I gave into throughout my life, plus he was not the most adventurous lover so the attraction is not a sexual desire, which in fact is one of the point that is pushing me away from this 'potential relationship', it was more the milking of the 'good feelings' of love and desire to be together, be desired by someone as a partner, looking for the value of me into a relationship with someone else, something I have repeatedly looped into in my life and I am not going to time loop again.

As a nice reminder of this 'need' to be desired, today I watched a documentary called 'The bodies of women', a story of women on our national Italian TV, not the after midnight shows for adults, no, these are the lunch shows, the Sunday afternoon shows, the every moment show, where women are depicted as objects to be desired, but not pushed into those roles, nono, they walk into them eagerly, competing with each other for the sexiest shots, youngest takes, best breasts, pubic areas exposures and it made me very sad. Today for the first time I saw why I would shave my hair even if I won't because I need to look 'presentable' to make a living and no hair in Italy is just pushing the envelope too much, being too 'weird' and I am not yet established enough to set my own rules and have a safe income, but, even the fact that I considered what I would discover about myself by shaving my hair was a step ahead from not even considering it, seeing that as women we are the ones who have the responsibility to do our part to step out of this 'meat market' game, if we don't walk away from the belief that the most interesting thing we have is the hole between our legs we are fucked, literally, and not in the fun way either, in the demeaning bashing that is pushing us to line up to be 'the chosen ones' waging war on each other and secretly hating the men we make responsible for what we are in fact doing to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to encourage the idea of romance of my ex by sending him messages and well written stories to show him that I have become literate in his language and that we could now, finally, have good communication, when in fact the only point that worked in our relationship when I was 17 and then 23 was the lack of communication

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope to receive messages by sms that would 'warm up my days and my heart' when in fact I was seeking just for an excuse to go on a rampage of 'positive energy' that had nothing to do with the other being but just with myself and my desire for an ego boost

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in reminiscing about our past as something of value, conveniently forgetting that once I said No to marriage and once he said No to marriage and that we were in fact both clear at different times that we were just consumed by an illusion in and as the Mind with no Physical real connection having ever taken place between us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret the things I wrote as I saw that I did not play the game successfully to keep him hooked because that would have made me feel too guilty, but I pussyfooted with the keeping him hooked and then I judged myself because I should have either gone all the way and hook him back or just leave him alone instead of living the middle path which is just another way to not face my own guilt nor the responsibility for what I do and how I act

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live all my life on the middle track so I would never expose myself too much, manipulating for what I wanted instead of establishing a clear communication in which I could say what it was that I wanted and desired and not pretend I was above it all, detached and never wanting anything in fear that I could be told NO and would have to face the point of rejection

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I did say I was not interested because we are on two separate paths and I don't want to go back to faking just for the sake of some positive experience, that I would not be liked, desired and that I would lose my chance for added value that I could get by having a man in my life interested in me, even if this relationship was imaginary and had nothing based in the physical reality that I could really live and experience as myself as support in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary idea and ideals of perfect relationships in my Mind based on movies, fairy tales, pictures and images that I then tried to live out in the physical reality, only to be always disappointed because reality was never a match to my perfect imagination and fairy tale designed situation, words or sexual experiences and within this for trying and mold my partners to fit into my imaginary ideas of perfect relationships so I could feel 'happy and fulfilled' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized this was going nowhere, to stubbornly hold on to it as the Imaginary Perfect relationship in my Mind, because I fear having to start from scratch and so I rather pick up a man from the past, dust him out a bit, give him an imaginary make over and try again, hoping that he will know me by now, even though I myself know I am not the same woman and that this would mean to have to step back to who I was to give him/them a chance to pretend to still know me and for holding on even when I saw there was no way I was going back to please a man this time, even though I pretended I would, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I was at a time loop intersection, at a point I have already lived a few times of giving up my life that is now beginning to work again for a delusion of the mind only to have to start over again and again when I would fall back on the planet, to not immediately come clean and let the other person know that there is no way in hell I am going to do this again and since he is not in a position to drop everything either given his commitments we should have just let it go but  did not because I did not want to let go of the hope for some' residual good feeling' that I may lose out on if I did and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he stopped calling, instead of seeing the wisdom that he matured equal to me that this can't be working and accept that he took the step I didn't want to take, even though I believed he should have told me -even in the face that I didn't...-to feel abandoned and rejected and that he was just screwing with me so he could write some more freaking songs about me instead of talking to me and for blaming him for doing what I didn't have the courage to do using the excuse that he should have done it my way -which in fact was no way-, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized he may never be calling back, to delete his face book page as friend and participate in the backchat 'he will wonder now why I deleted his contact and maybe ask his cousin and he will ask me and I will say 'because he is screwing with me' and have my little revenge to make him feel bad as I felt bad, and for accepting and allowing myself to justify why it is my right to spite someone because I made up imaginary feelings of being HURT I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delete the Skype contact because I fear that I may have one of my crazy Anna Karenina moments and write something I regret and within this accept and allow that I am not in charge of what I do because I leave it all to my sub-normal personalities and Characters to step in and drive the show, and for accepting my weakness instead of standing up in and as self responsibility to live as the Directive principle of me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself to, when I watched the Italian documentary about the Bodies of Women, to feel sad and ashamed for what we have accepted and allowed as we believed that our worth is only in the desire we can manufacture in a man and that our education or ability to live effectively in the world amounts to nothing until we have someone wanting to fuck us, which is the result of what we accepted and allowed ourselves to believe about our value as something separate that we have to achieve, that we have to work for, that we have to collect points that ensure that our survival within the system is guaranteed, and for feeling disgusted at us as women and what we have become I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this is one reason why I cannot let go of the Beauty construct or the desire to make up, because I fear the perception of my loss of value in my own eyes, the diminishment of myself from a sexually desirable object to nothing and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I am fuckable and judged by males as such, I am worthless and unable to compete and as such to survive in this male dominated patriarchal world, and for participating in this gender delusion and power struggle, I forgive myself

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Day 228: Gang Rapes and Violence, how is it working for you?

It's not working for me.

Last night I read the article about what is going on in Delhi and the demonstrations that have taken to the streets, I breathed through reading it but I could feel the Rage, I'm sick and tired of this world of violence and I am especially reactive to blatant acts of abuse against women, I have been beaten once in my life and all the beliefs I had about standing up and giving him some, pow pow, a good uppercut, kick in the balls etc, flew out of the window at the first slap he gave me which made me fly over the bed and in a moment I realized how much bullshit we hold in our minds about reality and who we are, would be in a situation we have never faced, gotta live it to know it.

I should be equally outraged for all violence and learn to breathe through it all because we have a lot coming still before we can put some common sense in out little heads that this is no way to live, but violence against women and Rapes still hits a chord, it's the point that we are not a match in strength, I know for a fact, that makes me angry and brings up the same anger I felt for myself when I got beaten up, as if it was my fault that I did not see it coming and how I let myself down, not being the hero I imagined I was and would be.

So thoughts of how to harm those people came up, they must PAY, we don't have an Equal Money System for reeducation yet, an Eye for an Eye seemed to work quite fine within my mind last night, get them, hang them, obliterate them, whatever, just delete them from existence. Make an example out of them.

I woke up this morning and the Delhi incident was still in my Mind, so here I am writing about it to clear some of the fog and the suppressed and poorly disguised rage.

I have been to India a few years ago on a trip to an Ayurvedic centre, down in the southern province of Kerala, I was told to bring conservative clothes, and in my mind I chose the most conservative clothes I had, jeans and tee shirts, no skirts or sleeveless tops, but on my arrival I was told that 'I couldn't go out dressed that way', because it was not about how much skin you show, it's the shape, the shape is enough to arouse men, the resort owners assigned me a bodyguard to walk to the shops after my first outing on a bike turned out to be quite a stressful experience as men surrounded me in flocks and asked 'Please, what's your name?' in a choir of indistinguishable scary voices and I feared for my safety.

In 2 days I already hated being there, I was told I could not rent a car and drive around -Lady, you are not in London-, that I would have to have a driver AND a chaperon to guarantee for MY behaviour, the chaperon to guarantee I was not fucking the driver at any time, it was for my own reputation -please understand-.

I adapted and wore the traditional Indian attire of trousers and a long dress on top, long sleeved, I only took baths in the resort in a one piece white swimming suit, we were on the border of a lake so dirty that my swimming suit was never white again but a hue of slimy grey, who knows what they threw in the lake, who cared as well, in a country where the levels of poverty are so high it's hard to not notice.

The Patriarch of the place where I staid was a Muslim gentleman, his granddaughter asked me to teach her to swim and I said fine, but the grandfather said "ONLY in her dress", she would never be allowed in a swimming suit, I declined the teaching as I told him no one can learn to swim in a lake where the water is 'heavier' than sea water and doesn't help buoyancy in a long dress that when wet would weight more than her body weight, to which he replied that then it was a no go, no decent Indian woman would wear a swimming suit, this was the reason why there was no Indian Female Olympic teams, until that day I never noticed.

I am Italian, no one is possibly more famous than Italian men for bothering women, but it was not even close to what I experienced in India, the ganging up was especially unsettling, on my arrival the son of the patriarch as he walked me into my room and put my bags down, closed the door and pushed me against the wall and tried to kiss me, it took me a moment to realize What he was trying to do my mind lacked any reference to such behaviour and I could not read his intentions until I was against the wall and had to fight him off, I told him I would tell his Father and he better never come close to me again, his reply was to not act so 'innocent', that he lived in Dubai for 2 years and watched lots of 'Blue Movies' and he KNEW, for a FACT, that THIS was what Western women wanted, ALL OF THEM.

I am not sure if there is something going on between the culture of suppression/repression and those sexual assaults in India, what I know is that the whole culture is geared toward teaching women to Not Get Raped, as IF, as IF it was in their hands, because any excuse would do, 'you looked at me, you had your hair down, your ankle was showing,' basically quite plainly 'you wanted it'.

As I come myself from a culture of repression in which men's behavior is mostly justified, a blatant example was in 2008 when a 15 years old girl was gang raped by 8 boys, ranging from 15 to 23 years of age, in a village and the major put up the money for the boys' defense until Italy's women took to the streets and forced him to withdraw his offer under public outrage. But the interviews that followed to the elder women of the village talked about how this girl 'deserved it' how she was not a good girl because she had already had sex prior to this incident -whore- that was consensual though did not make a difference, she had already been 'used', was not 'new' so to speak, and yet the women of the village stood up for the boys, all coming from good families, those things could happen to anybody, good boys overall, really,  gentlemen rapists.

The country divided on the issue which ended in no accountability for the boys, the village reaching out to them offering jobs and support, and the girl shunned and forgotten for having brought shame to the village, dirty clothes should be washed at home, how did she dare go public and turn this into a national case?

It was obviously her fault, she should have kept her mouth shut, where is HER decency?

This just to say that India has just been brought to the limelight in the wake of the last recent event, as women felt a line had been crossed when a woman who had to be operated and her intestines had to be removed due to the ferocious attack and penetration with rods, should not go unpunished.

I am enraged, as a woman and as a member of this society, where sex has turned into just another weapon to harm, diminish, overpower, humiliate each other and it is not about sex anymore because it's all a gender Mind Game that we are playing for an apparent supremacy, looking at who can do the most harm and get away with it and we go back to what we teach to women, to not get raped, to not expose themselves to this risk, to keep their place, cover up, walk unattractively possibly loop sided, cover the hairs, the ankles, the arms, do what you have to do to not arouse men, even though nobody knows for certain how THAT happens since any man has its own kinks, as no one wants to take responsibility for what goes on in our individual minds that justify such acts, that justify the gentlemen rapists who had the misfortune to find themselves in such situations and not ask ourselves why and how we breed these people and then defend them because if we didn't we'd have to ask ourselves tough questions about what are we doing, how are we educating children and young boys to hatred, because Rape is an act of hatred and not a sexual act, and we must stop excusing our hatred and our desire to harm each other, take a good hard look at what we have become and STOP.

This world is not working, it will continue this way unless the whole system changes, women have done  enough being victims, when I read that women in Delhi celebrated their being recognized as Victims I wondered if we even understand what that means, as while we win our right to our own victim-hood we accept that this will go on, as Victims need Abusers to exist, instead of standing up to no longer be victims, choosing a system that supports Life and that it will make sure everyone will be reeducated into supporting each other to crate a New World, where violence ends for good and that will only be possible within a system of accountability, which is not Capitalism as the abdication of our self responsibility, but a system of Equals standing as self responsibility for what goes on inside of us that spills over in our World and in tragedies such as this.

So, to the Women of this world, stand up, we are victims of our own acceptances and allowances, we don't have to live this way, asking 'off with their heads' after crimes have been committed is too late, no one will give the intestines back to the last girl that was attacked, some consequences are irreversible and we have to live with them until we say til here no further and stand for a Global Change.

And to the men of this World, the rapists, the gentlemen rapists, the rapist in denial, the women beaters, the ones who think to throw acid on women's faces or have already done so, pull yourselves together, this is no way to live, no one can have self respect that harms others because we are One and what we do to another we do to ourselves, it's time to STOP, get help, support yourself to stop the Self Hatred, the Hatred, we Can Change one breath at the time.

Prevention is the Best Cure, check out Equal Money for a world of Equals to put an end to all violence and all crimes of Hatred once and for all so we may create a world that works for All and manifest Heaven on earth for everyone, instead of this sorry excuse for an existence we have to endure each and every day. 

SAY STOP by casting your Vote for Life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the Delhi incident as if it was more or less important than any of the violence that goes on every day in the world, just because I am a woman

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel righteously outraged and for indulging in the desire to harm the perpetrators just as much as the harm they have inflicted on this girl whose intestines had to be removed as a consequence of their gang raping her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for when I did not stand up for myself, victimizing myself into a position of worthlessness for not having been able to defend myself and for harboring hatred for men who harm women because we are not even in strength and they abuse the physical advantage that they have and for this hatred I held on to, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that violent men are a product of our violent society and that we are walking the consequences of what we sowed and that the whole world will have to change for us to realign to Oneness and Equality and what is best for all and all hatred be forsaken as we learn to forgive ourselves and each other for what we have done against Life in our pursuit of self interest and self gratification, no matter what

I commit myself to, when I read news about violence against women, to stop and breathe, do not participate in reactions that underline our victimization but to learn to stand as a stable point in and as Breathe as Change will only come for All as we move beyond reactions through forgiveness of our past, our own and and each other's abuses, to create a world that works for All and supports Life and all Living beings in all its forms.

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Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar

Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.

So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.

My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.

A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.

The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.

This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'

I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions

I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination. 

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Day 130: For-Giving the (Self) Molestation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I could not express myself as sexuality as a Child, I hoped and desired that men would come along who seemed to have the key to my sexuality as 'men were in charge of sex' according to the images of sex I saw and imprinted myself with, so I could experience myself sexually with them, through them, without having to carry the guilt and shame for giving in to sex to satisfy my curiosity, and for then suppressing this desire because the desire to experience myself sexually was 'bad", ending up turning these desires into suppressed and hidden thoughts, images and memories that were charged with self judgement, shame and guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful within the desire to experience myself sexually as a child because I accepted and allowed myself o be imprinted with my mother's view on sex and how it was that sex is done with a man, which then created the thought and desire, 'bring a man here then'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to interact with an 'unknown' man would give birth to molestation as I made myself the target for 'unknown men' to approach me as the answer to my suppressed thoughts of which I was not aware of consciously where they were themselves drawn to me as a match to me and my secret hidden thoughts/desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was 'bad' for holding such secret desires, without being able to see realize or understand HOW those desires were formed through suppression, I deserved all the molestation that I got

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to molest myself with pictures and images of sex that I would look for and file within and as me to prove to myself that 'others did it' and I was not so bad after all, without seeing realizing and understanding that those pictures through which I would experience myself in shame and guilt would build up and turn into self molestation of myself as my Mind and give birth to the molested Character who in turn would attract Molesters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex in my early years of sexual expression to shame and guilt which made me enraged which in turn sought for targets which became men as The Molesters, for which I ended up perceiving I felt a deep hatred that I pushed down and hid as I did not want to be bad for hating someone and not 'forgiving' the weaknesses of men because 'all men are like that, they just want to get in your pants', while in fact I didn't and just accumulated hatred and contempt for their inability to keep their hands to themselves not seeing or realizing the part that I played in our interactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I had so much hatred for men and the continuous consistent abuse that I perceived they were inflicting on me when I walked down the streets as a Child, or when I ate a banana, or when I was just on a bus going to school, in a movie theatre watching a movie, within a friend's circle when suddenly one would behave in a way that I perceived as a trespassing, and for looking at them as Inferior Creature who were led by their Dicks, without seeing realizing and understanding that if they are led by their dicks, they must be led TO something/someone who matched their desires, and that it was me leading them on because a Victim must have an Abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self hatred, for having given up Life for The Mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, onto men, making them responsible and blaming them for everything that went on within me as self Abuse, so I would not have to be responsible of how I experienced myself and stand to correct myself to stop the experience of me as bad, shameful, guilty, regarding sexuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and angry when my mum said 'there must be something wrong with you if it keeps happening to you' as I took that as a judgement as a reflection of my own self judgement regarding myself and my hidden sexuality, missing out on the opportunity to in fact NOT take it personally which would have allowed me to see that there was something wrong with me in fact and that was what I had stored in me as me and then went and lived out in the Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to speak up, in fear of losing the privilege of being liked and desired by men who represented the key and the door to my sexuality and so never wanting to close any door, just in case, just wording excuses such as, you are like a brother ' there is nothing wrong with you, it's me' and the list goes on, without seeing realizing and understanding that to NOT be Self Honest and tell myself What is the Freaking Pay back of all this Molestation, which of course was the point of being desired, an Ogre would do, I ended up blaming myself even when I had been trying to be as clear as possible, within the limitation of seductress character that I secretly played at all times around men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the con-clusion, that since it did not seem possible to have men keep their hands to themselves, their nasty comments, wolf whistles and generally any demeaning act they could come up with, I should capitalize on it and get on the command deck, where I would stir and move the manipulation of the Dickheads into the Direction that best served me as in, if you can't beat them, manipulate them and get something out for yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such a world as 'normality' even when as a kid the suppressed sexual tension between all interactions physically scared me as I could see it weaved into every and any conversation, topic, attitude and yet no one else seemed to notice that there were 2 things leading the world and none of them were in the Hands of Women as Money and Sex, and I concluded we better get smart about it and in fact turn things around, either through Money to be able to stop the sexual favours we engage in at all times, given or promised or paraded and not delivered, or through Sex to get to the Money, because this world is a freaking fearful place to be without Money and Women were left with sex to get to the upper crust where the Money is, and so be it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce my sexual expression to a stock market, in which I was always trading something as it was driven into me that men wanted this thing I had to offer MORE than we did, or they would not offer to buy it, which tilted the market value of sex in my favour as the seller and that I should take full advantage of my position of being the owner of a stock which was so sought after and for which men were willing to give in, either the dough or something I could trade for a better, safer future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that we were built this way as sex and as the way we would interact with each other, but we do not have to accept this as who we are, we can stop and stand and say, I no longer trade for sex or money as a first individual step that we take to Change the World as Ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that, due to the extent of self judgement, shame and blame that I held toward myself when I saw that I crossed the line from Perceived Abused to Abuser, anything that came from men seemed in some way legitimized, not for the How I Carry Myself Without as in the excuse that I am not Making Up, wearing Heels or behaving in a seductive way, but for how I carry myself within, as the Abused Abuser, having molested myself to no end with sexuality issues stemming from suppression and judgement and so I have turned myself into a Light House for Molesters and Abusers as they see Me as I see/experience Me and then they see themselves as authorized to step into their Abuser Role as I move back into the Abused/Molested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, due to the way I perceived myself and my hidden secret participation in the Molester and Molested Game, I had no right to speak up and say NO, turning myself into the door mat of the Abusers Molesters as I ended up believing it was always my fault and that if I had not done this or that, said this or that, until it became a habit to look for what I did wrong while the Molester got away without notice, instead of standing up and voicing 'this is NOT what I want' because this issue has two sides, yet this is no Justification or a clean bill for Men who molest Children, as we are all the products of a very disturbed society and we have to STOP on both sides of the Coin and while I stop my participation as the Abused/Abuser I will voice what is acceptable and what is Not in My world and the world I want to live in as A World that is Best for All


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man stands in self justification for molesting a Child by saying things like 'You Crazy Bitch' or 'You are Dreaming' or "I don't know what you are talking about', it is not for me to feel ashamed as if I were all these things he said and if I don't know what I am talking about to the point that I no longer talk at all, because heavy breathing on your neck, a hard dick against your ass and fondling your behind or doctors who are supposed to look at your foot and pull down your panties, do not need to be told what they are doing, as THEY KNOW what they are doing, which is abusing their position of power either as an Adult vs a Child or as a Representative of some Organization/Institution such as the Medical/Educational/Religious and that standing up and saying NO I do not accept this is important for me and them too to realize that whatever fantasy they are playing out, it's just that, Their fantasy, which has nothing to do with the physical reality and as we all come to terms with the fact that we are psychopaths within our own Minds abusing each other we can stop and stand to change the world for Life and what is best for All

I commit myself to speak up against Abuses as I correct myself as the Self Abuser I have become so that Inward and Outward the World can Change, which is what we are doing with the proposal of an Equal Money System, in which all Mental Illnesses and dis-eases will be addresses and supported for correction so everyone can be equally supported to live behind their life of Abuse for LIFE to build a World where we are in fact proud to live and not ashamed and terrified for what we have created that we now have to walk as a ConSequence into Self Correction

I commit myself to delete my past as it comes up in pictures/thoughts and memories as I see realize and understand that the Past is Over and that I can only change My Past by not repeating it into time/stupidity loops to show myself that I saw where and how I was participating within a specific point and that I took responsibility for it, so as to not leave behind myself a trail of distorted/diseased relationships as the ones I made up in my mind based on abuse as the abused/abuser and One + One as we correct ourselves it will reflect into our World outside and what becomes possible as we walk away from our limitations, one + one.

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• Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.
• Day 131: Forgiveness and True Activism
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Day 36: Desire as Value

This picture represents my idea of Desire, she plays the reluctant part, he plays dominant, He Is The Man, He Will Bend Her to His Will.

In one month I will meet the ex lover/potential employer, of these 2 definitions I am sure about the first one only as he has in fact been my ex one night lover and I have no clue if we will ever work together, as far as projects go, the more info he send, the more I don't believe he has been looking for me for work at all but he is just building the needed web to allow me to fall into it without too much guilt or regret, as he is married with 4 children.

He will be coming on a Saturday, I offered to have lunch as to keep 'the night' as far away as possible from both our minds, but he said we should have dinner, this worried me because he is not from my city and he will need a place to sleep, so I asked should I book an hotel or is he already organized but he did not reply.

At the time we had our night together, he was very persistent and a great strategist, I see the strategy pattern again, he is planning to stay for the week end in fact, in my bed, which is both flattering and scary because I have not had sex since I started to walk with Desteni, but I can't see clearly if I stopped due to my judgements of what I had reduced sex to, mind trips into fantasies and pictures and porn behaviour, or if I stopped just because I became so depressed due to my overload of information and slow application of them into a process of Life that I couldn't care less about jumping in and out of beds without any moral boundary.

Have I turned sex into a morality point? Would I say NO to this man because he is married with 4 children even though I know he would never leave his wife and I don't see this as my commitment but his that should be kept and I am just the sidekick of a professional cheater that I won't change even if I say NO to him, or do I want to say NO because I see there will be con-sequences to this and they may not be what is best for me/all at the moment, which is to have a clear cut business relationship that is on solid ground and not built for the purpose of fucking me as I had in the past with another business partner, who set up a company with me just so he could officially display my name in his phone without fear of being caught by his  wife. The business never worked out and after one year I was tired of being tied to him into a pretense relationship that he wanted to believe was something meaningful and was thinking to introduce me to his children to explain to them 'the way things are'. 

Things are NOT that way, unless we make them so, lives of cheating and lies that we then need to justify and cover up creating alter Egos, as if one Ego was not enough to deal with.

I have chatted about this point last night with a Desteni friend, what I saw in our chat is the following:

what I liked about this man was his persistence, in fact it had NOTHING to do with him as I judged him poorly educated, a boring conversationalist and slightly shorter than me, which is a turn off in my mind as men must be taller, it's plain clear in all fairy tales, men are bigger, it's crucial for the protection factor of the weakling woman, so persistence was irresistible, it gave me value, I believed he wanted ME and only ME making ME more important and desirable than other women.

My friend told me that I may have just been a fantasy in his head, 'the office woman', plus men are after the ones who are not too easy to get, because they too derive value from the prize of having gotten what is not given away to everybody or just anybody.

So basically, we both play a pathetic value game, each part hoping to get the worth they do not perceive they have from the other one, we live a life of dis-honesty in which we syphon each other's energy to boost ourselves into bigger energy being, creating bigger emotional bodies to live out, bigger personalities, bigger mindfucks.

Yet I saw this point as bothering me, while I chatted with my friend I saw  I don't fear him at all, I fear me, I fear that he will have me at the first touch of my hands, that the touch of our bodies will activate my body memories and I will move into desire and then I will spend the evening into suppression, pretending I don't want it and I don't care for it, while in fact I want it so much I have already started to think about it and how he has been one of the few men in my life I have not regretted having sex  with, already One Month before we may (or may not) see each other and face each other after 5 years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bother myself with thoughts about what it will be in one month and for projecting myself into a potential situation of discomfort that it may not even happen and within this I forgive myself that I am trying to 'guess and assume' what is in the mind of a man I have not seen for 5 years, just because his desiring me or my assumption of him desiring me makes me feel good about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life is about me feeling good about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse men for the purpose of feeling good about myself, not caring about them at all if not about how much they wanted and desired me because I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by how desirable/fuckable I am to a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'desire' as a moment of coercion in which a man dominates and I just give in as this is the way sexuality plays out in my mind as both of us living out the roles we were designed for in which men dominates and women just comply

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that a man dominates and takes over a sexual situation as that displays his desire for me and I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by how desired I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having had stories with married men as being disloyal to the women world in which I have separated myself from men, into women vs men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own desire and how I see myself moving into being 'turned on' without ever noticing, that being 'turned on' makes me nothing more than a blender or a vacuum cleaner who can be turned ON at whim, instead than a self directive being that stands as the decisions I make about what is best for me and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value men that can turn me on, just because they fit the image of sex and sexuality I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with, without realizing that I have lived as a sex machine and not as a Human Being and I have lived sex as a ritualized expression and not sex as Self as Self Expression Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sexuality as dirty and demeaning without realizing only my mind could accept and allow to turn sexuality into something dirty and demeaning because I accepted and allowed the idea that Virgin Martyrs were better than women who fucked and were not into martyrdom, because that is what the Church told us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick up all the sexual teaching and innuendos of the Catholics as the 'Original  Sin' being sex or 'Eve's problem and Sin' being sex, and not having sex before marriage as it was good only inside marriage and for such acceptance and allowance of these idiotic teachings having turned my mind into a sex warmonger that I have to fight to survive for the demeaning self judgements of myself that I bestowed upon myself every time I had sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex and what I will think about myself afterward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self judgement of myself as sex, because I wished I was over my Catholic upbringing in fear I would unleash the hate I felt for them when I blamed them as the point in which my sexuality got fucked up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the Catholics for what they teach about Sex and Sexuality, instead of seeing we are all brainwashed into miserable belief systems and ideas used to control ourselves and each other to never allow self expression or our getting in touch with the physical and in truth I have always and only hated me for accepting and allowing myself to take on board such bullshit even when my body showed me reluctance to the sex constrains of me as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my Mind rule my life and my body, stealing Life Essence from myself and others for the purpose of living and existing as a Mind System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and my sexuality because desire is a powerful force I have never controlled instead of seeing that desire is of the mind, in and as separation of me from me for an experience, stemming from my dissatisfaction of myself and my ideas and beliefs that I am not enough and that I need experiences to give meaning to my life and to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe experiences are what defines me and what gives purpose to my life, instead of seeing that experiences are of the mind and that me as the physical do not need any 'experience' to be alive but only the Mind as it separates and clones itself into experiences and relationships designed to not allow me to be Here in and as Breath as Self Expression

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the Desire to be Desired, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I no longer accept to define myself according to my desirability or to make a point of value of and for myself the 'being desired' by a man, I am Self value and Self Worth Here in Breath, when and as I stop the separation of me as self from everything that exists

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear that Desire may take over, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I am walking as the Directive Principle of my Life and I no longer accept to be moved like a Puppet by energies fluctuations and Imprinting of  and as the Mind, and Breathe through the Point of Desire as Energy until it dissipates and I stand Here stable in and as Breath as Life, One and Equal

I commit myself to clear the point of Desire and the Desire to be Desired from myself as The Mind and as the physical, until I can see Desire or the Desire to be Desired no longer move me but I moving My Self as the Self Directive Principle of my Life