Day 450: Going Crazy over People Who Are Late

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for going 1 hour late to the appointment I made for him and within this for getting angry at myself for getting angry at him

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in my view I am absolutely right, like this point of lateness, to feel that I am entitled to get angry because it is the other person's wrong that is making me angry because if they had gone/come 'on time' I would not be angry and in this there is the proof that it's all their fault

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to point out how the story unfolded and how I was so clear about 'tell me a time, anytime you want but then stick to it, please' and because of this I was more than entitled to go berserk because I perceived this 'going late' as 'being taken for a ride', as having lost importance, value because I have invested value in the point of 'people being on time to prove that they value me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that any value invested outside of myself makes me fragile, brittle as my value depends on what someone else does and on how they perceive things as important or unimportant and within this for having accepted and allowed myself to invest value in 'being on time' both as me being on time and others being on time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me to 'always be on time' because she had been traumatized by the only delay her father had in her life that turned into tragedy when they received the news he had been found dead with his bicycle in a ditch and within this for imprinting the message 'if you care about me you would never be late' as myself to live out with others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a memory of my grandmother telling me 'if he cares about you he would not have made you wait' at which moment I felt ashamed because I had been kept waiting proving to others that the boy I was seeing did not care about me and within this for accepting and allowing that moment of shame to be tied into people being late as my loss of value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not caring about me because 'they were/are late' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I am just projecting this lack of care I have for myself to sort out this issue of 'caring for myself' onto others and this is one point where I can use this projection effectively because it was done to me by someone who 'loved me' and thus I can do it to others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always like 'being on time' within a feeling of stress in fear that if I let someone down and I am late than they will think 'she doesn't care about me' instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this 'being late' point is my own creation whichever way I play it out and within this for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that don't feel the same stress about 'being on time' because it seems unfair that I should be the only one going through this at both end instead of addressing the 'being on time point ' to its solution within me and not expecting others to live out my same patterns so I can normalize them instead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated last night when I played out this whole scenario again and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that all the thoughts that followed such as 'it's useless, I will never change or enough, I want out of process because it's not working' were all excuses that I used to justify why I was still reacting about a point that I saw clearly some time ago and within this for not supporting myself to sort out the 'being on time' point because too much time had gone by from when I saw this point and hence it would be useless, hopeless, worthless to be addressed in detail because 'I had missed the boat'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put value on time because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'time is money' and within this statement accept all the outflow consequences such as irritation and impatience when someone uses up my time, that I had not set aside to give unconditionally, in exchange for nothing, wasting my time, wasting it because it was in no way monetized and within this for having accepted and allowed my whole life to be monetized for my time instead of questioning this construct that we accept and live out everyday as if it were 'normal' and the 'way things are'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to cut out of my life the people who are never 'on time', seeing them as a waste and within this for valuing more those that can be 'on time' compared to those that can't be on time, instead of simply directing the point in a way that works for all, such as not expecting those that have not sorted out their relationship with time management to be on time and to use that point to define my value or their level of 'caring'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel that if I do not react to those 'abusers' who are always late, who waste my time, who don't respect me or care about me than I am deserving the 'abuse' and as such I must react and tell them off so they know where I stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'not being on time' as abuse and for then reacting to my own definition of 'not being on time' blaming it on another and feeling weak if I didn't stand up for myself in anger instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am the one abusing myself through an energetic reaction and by not be willing to let go of this definition of myself because I believed that 'this is who I am' vs seeing this is who I came to believe I was based on memories and my own self definitions of an external event that I can change by no longer accepting myself to be defined by it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as uncaring and inconsiderate whenever I have been late and for fearing this judgement of myself about myself and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was inconsiderate and uncaring in general by extending this definition of myself to spill over other parts of my life by telling myself 'you don't care about anybody' fuelling this idea about myself through one single point relative to being 'on time' -or else- instead of changing my definition of what 'being on time' means, which is just to - possibly, all things considered - meet at an agreed time and that not doing so doesn't define me, nor others, nor my relationship for the better or worse

When, as and if I see myself becoming irritated about the 'being on time' point, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have walked this point to remove the blame for others about how I feel within it and immediately take responsibility for this point, breathe, stabilize myself, remind myself it's not personal nor it defines me and move on

When and as I see myself wanting to bring up all other times when someone was late, wasted my time, was, in my opinion, uncaring and inconsiderate, to prove my case, I stop, breathe, see what is the negative experience I am accessing and release myself from it through self forgiveness and physical self corrective application by not giving in to it nor normalizing it in any way

I commit myself to stop reacting to people not being 'on time', to not take it personally and to not let such a point define who I am nor my worth and value in any way any more.

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Day 449: Rejecting the Positive while Still Afraid of the Negative

Today reading the writings of a friend I realized this point, I had been told to investigate the 'positive thinking' for myself as I had lived so much this doctrine I had physically become it, but when I met Desteni and I understood Positivity as just one of the polarities we live and play out, I just rejected it, trying to create a buffer between myself and it, basically between me and myself.

Did that work? No

On top of this, having rejected the negative for many years diligently, the fear of the negative staid with and as me, so much so that some days I feel as if I have no place to be, stuck between not wanting to be positive and rejecting negativity without clearing myself from my judgements of what is negative, I end up living in a sliver of existence carved out between the two.

So, here I will share my SF for my participation as the rejection of the positive and the fear of the negative experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in fear the first time someone told me 'positivity and positive thinking, you have become it', because I was aware that I did not understand in full the implications of this statement and hence I did not know how to move with it to correct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject anything that I see as positive, positive thinking, positive projected outcomes believing that if I could distance myself enough from positivity I would have it sorted out, forgetting the point 'you have become it' that I should have dealt with, positivity as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being glad about an outcome or a potential outcome as 'positive' and within this for rejecting the idea of an outcome that may work for myself and others as something not desirable, not to be desired because positive instead of correcting my energetic label about it and see the outcome for what it is, just best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that since 'I had become it', meaning the very polarity construct of someone seeking the positive, I could balance it out seeking the negative as in what I have defined as negative, calling it 'realism' while in the process missing out the point that I was still in full polarization but just on the other side of the swing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that you are either positive or negative at the core and that there is nothing in between and within this belief for seeking how to live in a tiny space between negativity and positivity, trying to not make waves, not enjoy myself too much (positive) and nor to embrace the world for what it is because it's too sad (negative), finding myself paralyzed at times inside a space that didn't allow myself to see clearly the outcome of a point as I was too busy not being positive and not moving into the negative - to even exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still reject at a physical level any experience of negativity, for reacting to it and for then forcing myself into it as a way to prove to myself that I can be negative because 'I have not become positivity itself' instead of looking at how I have polarized my words and my world and freeing myself from my own definitions so I can start emerging as myself wherever I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define positive the following things, feeling good, having good relationships, making money, having a good life, being involved in the world at a certain level and not just surviving, being good looking and fit and for charging these expressions of myself with a positive energetic experience so much so that when I rejected positivity I moved to reject all the experiences I had myself labeled as positive, cutting myself out from reaching my utmost potential in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I reacted to posting the Principled Life Commitments that I know I want to walk with my group, I was afraid that I could not reach my utmost potential because all my potential was locked into polarized self definitions one way or another (positive or negative) that I would have to unlock before I would be able to access it as self expression and it seemed too daunting to even consider it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that I define as negative because they touch upon subjects that I have defined as negative or they have an attitude that I have defined as ass-holish and as such, negative, and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am reacting to the self defined energetic content of my own definitions within myself as the mind because by defining negativity as negative, I tend to hop and skip through it whenever I face the experience I defined as 'negativity', its causes and its source, to be done with the experience that I fear as quick as I can, instead of addressing the source point and letting it go by releasing the energetic content and then redefining the label, the word in a self supportive way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a self defined negative event occurs in my life, such as a fight with my mother, to perceive myself as diminished for participating in a negative event, instead of removing my judgement of the event, the fear of the 'negative' label as to empower myself to see what happened for real and make the required corrections

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much I was missing out stuck between two polarities that I came to believe to be 'evil', living in a constant state of friction within and as myself instead of, when an event takes place, breathe, look at any possible energetic label that exists in and as me relative to the event, release the energetic content and assess what I can do to move myself out of it and find a solution that works for all

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the perception of being squeezed into a tiny spot, I stop, breathe, look at what I am holding a judgement about within a polarity mindset, release the energetic content in both directions and see how I can move myself from where I am into stability through breathing while I look for the reasons why I am accessing that specific experience so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to assess in automatic if something is positive or negative through how I feel about an event, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that nothing is positive or negative unless it is seen through the limiting eyes of myself as the mind and that I can always find a solution for moving myself out of where I am by removing the energetic definitions of any event and move to look for the common sense practical solution within it

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as lost unless I define something automaticaly within polarity so as to know where to stand, which at this moment has become pretty much nowhere as I squeeze myself in between two impossible, refused charges, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have seen the point of what I do and look for the energetic charges either positive or negative or both that are generating this experience of myself as stuck between a rock and a hard place and correct myself

I commit myself to stop existing as an energy puppet and to reclaim my sovereignty over myself, my life and my own decisions beyond polarities of negative and positive or bad and good by investigating where are the labels, the charges I have submitted myself to that constrict me into a specific stance and to move to removing them with self forgiveness and self corrective application, one by one, until it's done

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Day 446: The Various Dimensions of Name Calling

Do assholes exist? Asshole has been one of my favourite curse words, what I realized yesterday is that name calling of any kind, and that includes any name we use to justify WHY we react to someone so it can be stupid, ignorant, selfish, arrogant, self centered etc, is in fact Hidden Blame.

So I will walk my self forgiveness to bring up on paper how I established this pattern, specifically with my mother and how to release myself from it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are people deserving of a label that absolves me from my responsibility of looking at why and how I reacted in a specific moment, placing the blame on them for 'who and how they are' which I make into a fact within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just a perception that I use/used to justify why I was right in reacting to them because they 'were wrong' and I was right

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this habit of coming to the desire to call my mother names stems from childhood, when I felt impotent and a victim to her behavior that I perceived as abusive, because when she used specific words and tones I would react and hence made her the source of my experience of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the only one creating the experience of myself through my own participation in backchat, thoughts and the resulting emotions and she was just the one on which I projected the blame for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always dream of a time when I would not live close to my mother and within this dream, not see realize and understand that I blamed her for my own experience of myself believing that if I did not have to be subjected to her presence and her unstoppable need to provide opinions as facts about me and my life then I would be free and within this for jailing myself into whatever experience arose in me when in the company of my mother instead of applying myself to free myself from this idea/belief so it would not matter where I lived and what she said about me and my life at any given time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take what my mother says personally instead of seeing it as just her own experience of me and her own judgements as a Mind and using what she says as a guideline to my own suppressions and reactive points if and when I see myself react in any way

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not look in specificity at moments in which I either wanted to call my mother an asshole or did call her an asshole because it was easier to blame her for my reaction than looking at the core point behind it and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive people that want to lay their experience and projections on me and come up with all sorts of assumptions about me and my life and the people within it, as assholes instead of looking at what exactly made me react within what they said and in this case for blaming my mother for saying out loud what I had thought about my ex boyfriend anyway that I made OK in my thoughts because 'I am entitled to my own opinion' and then blaming her for her belief that 'she is entitled to her opinion' just because her opinion is about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is really an asshole for saying 'I will drive how the fuck I want' when I told her to drive carefully when she decided suddenly to leave, instead of spending the night together as we planned and that I was therefore justified in just saying 'what I thought about her/give her a piece of my mind', instead of looking at the point in self honesty that I had already started accumulating reactions while she was expressing what I deemed as an uncalled-for opinion and that I was just waiting for a point when I could act out my reactions within an excuse that made it ok

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for always expressing opinions I did not ask for instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I have expressed opinions in my life that I have not been asked for because I held on to my 'right to have my own opinion' about something or somebody and to express it even when I saw that it was escalating into friction and conflict and that I would not be able to direct the outcome if I allowed it to blow out of proportion -just so I could stick to my right to have my own opinion about something or someone while valuing  myself as the mind more than stopping friction and conflict with someone on the spot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that my ex boyfriend was a free loader and did not contribute as much as he could have to our household but did not take the time to defuse that 'opinion' about him which was just an assumption with no undeniable foundation in physical reality, leaving a sore point open for when someone would express their opinion about it and then believing my reaction was about it and not about my own opinion of what went on that I had not taken the time to walk through, forgive and let go

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid and taken advantage of when my mother said what I had thought out loud and for wanting to give her my opinion about the fact that she was maybe projecting her own relationships on me, so that she would stop being so high and mighty and righteous instead of considering that if I shared a similar experience with my mother or a similar perception of an experience with men as the one of my mother, maybe it was worth looking into it because as we know, we repeat patterns, not necessarily in the physical but for sure patterns of interpretation and assumptions about situations and people we come in contact with in our lives

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'she will get down from her high horse and next time if she doesn't want to be called an asshole she can think twice about expressing her unrequested opinion', making myself right and her wrong and holding on to spite as a way to not have to do anything to walk through the consequences of my stance, no matter what she did or said prior to me saying what I did in an attempt to blame my reactions on her

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking personally what someone expresses is a limitation of myself and my ability to hear what another may contribute to my process and that however they contribute it, be it spitefully or within a projection, according to my perception, I can still walk the point by using the clue they have given me if I don't make it personal but just a mind point, that I can identify through a reaction, to direct to a solution within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to listening to older people, elders, parents and relatives whose lives are clearly fucked up and hence I decided they have nothing of value to contribute to anyone if not the example of what not to do and what not to be and within this for limiting how and from where I can get clues about my mind and my inner workings as I stated that only those that I can see live an example of what they are trying to point out to me, and that would make just about 10 (or less) people in the world, can do so, instead of opening up to anything and anyone as a stairway to my own awareness by looking inside for my own reactions to what is offered, no matter by whom and how it is offered 

When and as I see myself wanting to speak words that are hiding the blame of how I feel and projecting it onto another, I stop, breathe, touch my hands to bring myself back into the physical and to not give in to the feeling that I am missing out/losing on a great opportunity to call someone an asshole or any other name but to see, realize and understand  that I am energetically possessed, even if it doesn't seem so as in a clear energetic reaction I have learnt to decode so far and that I must refrain from speaking while I am reacting at all costs - using any tool I have learnt to create a space to allow myself to investigate the moment and not give into it in automatic preprogrammed behavior - just because this is how I used to deal with such moments in the past

I commit myself to, when I see myself jumping to the thought 'so and so is an asshole, ignorant, arrogant, clueless, evil etc', to forgive my thoughts before I reach for excuses and justifications to why I am entitled to think such thoughts about someone and to then look for the trigger that activated in me the desire to call them names in abdication of my own self responsibility for how I experience myself in and as the mind

I commit myself to when and as I see the word coming up to be spoken automatically to stop, breathe, do not allow myself to speak it but remind myself that I am obviously possessed by the desire to blame another and by some personality systems that I have designed to justify the blame in the process and instead I make the time to go writing down what has been going on within me to defuse my reactions and seek how to redirect my thoughts and emotions in self support to a solution

I commit myself to remind myself that there is no way that giving in to name calling, inside or outside of myself, can support another one and equal as me and to not give in to this habit, no matter how enticing the trigger seems but to use the moment as a clue that something is happening inside of me and must be addressed before I participate further with another in a reactive unsupportive way

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Day 430: The MEANing in ConSequence

(Missing blog  429 walked privately for now.)

I have already attempted this redefinition, recently though I found myself in a position where I saw clearly that I still have definitions attached to this word that do not mean what the word itself means and I act them out, which is unacceptable and not who I want to be.

Here is the dictionary definition of this word

1. a result or effect of some previous occurrence

2. an unpleasant result (esp in the phrase take the consequences)

3. (Logic) significance or importance: it's of no consequence; a man of consequence.

4. (Logic) logic

 a. a conclusion reached by reasoning

b. the conclusion of an argument

c. the relations between the conclusion and the premises of a valid argument

5. the relation between an effect and its cause

6. in consequence as a result

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

---

con•se•quence (ˈkɒn sɪˌkwɛns, -kwəns)

n.

1. the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier.

2. the conclusion reached by a line of reasoning; inference.

3. importance or significance: a matter of no consequence.

4. importance in rank or position; distinction: a man of consequence.

_______________________

When I looked this word up on the dictionary I was very surprised to not find its 'negative meaning' and wondered where did I get that, how did I place a negative charge on this word, so I looked it up in Italian and I found it has additional meanings where it is explicitly said 'effects, direct or indirect, usually of a negative nature' as in repercussions or negative result of something.

'Effetto diretto o indiretto, spesso negativo, di una situazione, vista come causa sicura o possibile: questo guaio è la c. della tua leggerezza; se la sono cavata senza gravi conseguenze'

I found out as well that we lack the last meaning of this word, we cannot say 'a man of consequence' because that wouldn't mean anything in Italian and that if I clean this word out of all the rubbish, it just means effect as in cause and effect, meaning what comes after a cause in a logical sequence of events.

My relatives always used the word Consequence to mean 'something negative will follow if you do this, you can't even imagine what's in store for you if you do this - meaning, what we will do to you', they used it as a threat, a warning, on occasion, when playing nice, a veiled way to say that something would be coming out of my actions and would not be good and mainly it would be coming FROM them.

When I was in SA and one day Leila read out loud an article on parenting about how parents were abusing this word to 'train their children through punishments they had replaced consequences with and how this screwed up in the child the whole concept of what a 'consequence' is' - I had a blip moment and could not compute.

I asked her to please give me an example and she did, she read the article that said 'you can tell your children that if they write on the wall there will not be chocolate cake', and I went, yes, wouldn't that be a consequence, like if you do this - that will happen?' and she said NO, the consequence is that the wall will be dirty and you will either have to live with it or clean it.

At the time this was a revelation in logic for me, a revolution in fact which left me quite pissed off as I pondered how many times I had been punished with the whimsical fantasies of my educators rather than shown what consequences really are, supported to see what I would have to face if I took a specific action and asked if I was willing to live out the 'obvious outsome', the con-sequence (which taking con as the Latin prefix meaning 'together with' it would mean the 'string of events' leading up to a specific result) and how I had attached a truckload of negative value to this word.

So, in a discussion with my buddy, what I saw is that I still live out this definition, that I believe that consequences are la -re -mise-en-place of someone who has gone off line, who has wandered out of a construct without permission and needs to be put back where they are supposed to be, put back in 'their place', obviously this treatment includes myself.

The way I have played out my consequences so far is by subjecting myself to self judgement as I have already written or to negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, self blame, something to remind myself that I was wrong, that I SHOULDN'T have done a specific thing and of course, as I do it to myself, I do it to others as well, when I reach a specific point of reaction something snaps into 'that's it, they should have seen it coming' meaning it's 'Their consequence, they created it for themselves' when in fact it is not, it is my punishment, consequence doesn't mean that if I am called names I have carte blanche to retaliate as a consequence, no, it means the other person will have to face their own self created consequences, their Dis-h-Onesty, where at a fork (H) they chose the Mind over Life and in the process they disempowered themselves a little further - and isn't that 'enough'- and should not be anything coming through a vigilante stance on my side as a punishment, where did I get this from, what kind of support would that be?

So, in my next blog I will redefine this word to something that works for myself and others because this way it's not working, this is how I have justified all the self abuse and the abuse of others as a consequence, which was a sequence yes, of my own participation in and as the mind and the living out of this word I have myself accepted and allowed to come to life in very specific ways, but it was a con as well, the con in the idea that as I have had to take con-sequences from others who themselves miss-understood this word, I could now apply to others the same punishing principle in the same way, when in fact this is not how and what this process is all about, acceptance of things as they have always been, nono, this process is about changing what I have been and done that was not aligned to the kind of world I would like to live in, even when I realize I don't yet know how to walk out of this word and my perception and embodiment of it but I will work it out as I go, as I rewrite it to break it down and turn it into a functional self supportive/supportive word for myself and all, Equal and One.

more to come  

 

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Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a paranoia regarding flood of words and then translated that into a paranoia of communication in fear that one never knows where good words with good intentions land in the mind of another due to my relationship with my mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is a problem with words that cannot be corrected with good intentions but has to be corrected in writing as we redefine them to stand absolute as a point of stability within our communication with ourselves and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when not enough communication is going on to clear all the doubts that come up in my mind, to immediately move into a paranoid state in which I look for the 'real' reasons for the missing communication as if communication was a duty to be carried out only on the other side of the equation and not on my side as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to be led by my mind into conjectures and reasoning about lack of communication to justify why it is not up to me to do the work of communicating and why I am entitled to my mind errands as I work out the hidden reasons for the lack of communication vs asking and clarifying the points with another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no sound reason for what I do within my mind when I go and seek for reasons to explain to myself why communication is not happening as those are just excuses I seek to not have to take the responsibility of communicating with another because I accepted and allowed myself to hang on to previous experiences of 'communication gone wrong' with my mother and then turned my past experiences into my guide for all future communications and the reason why I should not engage in it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when having doubts about a point I have not communicated about, go and seek for reasons of my wrongdoing as I repeat the patterns that I learnt in my life with my mother where she would ask me to go to my room and 'think abut what I did wrong' which was mainly her own paranoia projected on me and then I took the habit to immediately move to seek for 'what did I do wrong' when communication with another is not taking place effectively because I assumed everyone must have the same behavioral glitches I saw in my family and that when communication is not taking place it's my fault because I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame another when communication is not taking place effectively, because now I am an adult and hence I have gained the right to occupy my mother's position to tell another 'go to your room and think about it' to work out why I am not effectively communicating, blaming on them why my communication is not taking place as a 'payback' for something they did wrong or did not do, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have a choice about repeating patterns as I can self correct and rewrite for myself how I will behave in-stead and not in the image and likeness of someone who did not know better than passing on their own glitches to me in a copy and paste fashion

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the words 'we have to talk' which extend to meetings, gatherings, getting together of people who 'want to talk' when the talking has not so far proven effective in my life but mostly unpleasant when not just a waste of time and within this for accepting and allowing myself to associate the need of others to communicate about a point to something boring, grievous, unpleasant and for dismissing it as unnecessary instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that it is because I have not overcome the experience of words as weapons that I rather abstain, refrain and hope that everything works out by itself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope that things can work out by themselves relative to communicating with another when in fact I have no physical experience of ever resolving anything by letting time go by, or by pretending everything was just fine instead of standing and directing the point to a solution that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of unpleasant talks that I could not escape within my family and for then labeling all potential talks as unpleasant and for believing I had the right to assert my non compliance finally as an adult with the unpleasantness of a required talk, chat, attempt at communicating, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my own labeling of communication as unpleasant that generated resistance within me every time a point relative to communication was approached and never communication per se

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern that goes from lack of communication -frustration - blame - desire for retaliation as I copied this design from my family instead of taking responsibility for the starting point of lack of communication without engaging a pattern of behavior in automation vs standing and directing the point in self responsibility

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish those that fail in their communication with me without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am perpetrating an ineffective pattern of behavior that is not best for all and that it is my responsibility to correct myself to not allow myself to do to others what was done to me and I did not like at all


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shield myself from words, my own and others, in fear that words may harm, hurt, may make a situation that was hanging on a thread precipitate beyond the possibility to fix it and within this for giving up on words in separation from myself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could correct them, I could dis-harm them and return them to be one and equal to myself as self expression


When and as I see myself starting to go off in my mind wondering why someone is not communicating with me effectively, I stop, breathe, bring this point back to myself and see how I can improve communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself looking for conspiracy theory reasons why another is not communicating effectively with me, I stop, breathe, bring this pattern back to myself and move myself physically to correct the point of communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself seeking to evade a conversation, a discussion, a meeting, a chat, an interview in fear that I will be flooded with words, with their redundancy, with their never ending loops, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is a fear I have created that I can correct by moving myself in and as breath instead than moving myself in and as the mind within justifications and excuses to why I am entitled to bail out from a chance to communicate with another/others

When and as I see myself walking the pattern of desiring isolation to stop the flooding of words into my life, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I perceive words as invasive because I have separated myself from them in an attempt to not take responsibility for all the harmful words I have spoken against another/others and within this I remind myself that I stand forgiven as I have forgiven myself for my past participation in and as words and that I have to in fact express myself and use words as me to change the pattern in the physical and leave behind who I have been within words for good


I commit myself to explore all the aspects of my resistance to communication and to words and to stand one and equal to my words to no longer create the illusion of separation between me and my words

I commit myself to let go of my past misuse of words as I see, realize and understand that I cannot move forward until I chain myself to my past with and as words and that it is my response-ability to reprogram myself into an effective communicator and a patient listener within words as me as self expression

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to indulge in the paranoia of the whys and hows but to check in the physical with another about what was the meaning of what they tried to convey or why have they not been in touch and communicating as to not allow myself to create needless backchat in my mind

I commit myself to self responsibility around the point of communication

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