Day 293: People Pleaser - Character

I have skipped writing for a few days. I have missed it.

I had a guest and then my mother came.

I have noticed that when there is people around I give up writing, I give up me basically.

The guest was my ex, I had a lot of time during the day to write but I didn't because I was busy keeping myself stable, haha, meaning walking a tightrope that ended feeling like walking inside a narrow corridor where on both sides there were doors that if opened would swallow me.

Did it work? No.

Because I could have sat down to write about what I was experiencing instead of  trying to wrestle it all inside my mind, which did not work and ended in accumulation that eventually blew into resorting to my usual behaviors, just because it was easier to walk a Character than to explore being Here Character-less in the face of having to relate to others, in the specific my top 2 entries in my world of misunderstandings and suppression.

Another reason I saw about why I did not want to write is because I took writing as a 'therapy' that proves I am not so  'normal' because 'normal' people don't need therapy, they just manage their lives effectively, lots of beliefs that have to do with how I relate to others, fear of judgements and my definition of writing as 'therapy' vs writing as an expression of who I am.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting down and writing when people are around because I fear their judgement of me as a 'nutcase' instead of pushing myself through my resistance because I have created amazing support for myself so far through writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when people are around, consider their potential reactions/comments before the support I can give myself through writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchats about writing, giving writing a meaning as 'therapy' and within this accepting that I am a nutcase that needs writing as a way to defuse my potential blow ups instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the 'nutcase' is just a character I give in to please others, so I could offer a definition that would show that I accepted all the blame for everything that did not work in my communication and my way of relating to them

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with others in self honesty and instead of pushing through the resistance, to accept my limitation as fear of expressing myself and what is going on with me and what I see could support me - such as writing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not important because my interactions with others define me and are themselves  defined by their positive feedback for which I change and adapt to make sure I please them when they are around me, so I can be pleased in return through their approval of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not give to myself time to write as a way of caring for myself and taking responsibility for myself 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define writing as a task, as something that is on my 'to do' list of things I have to accomplish during the day as I see, realize and understand that when I define writing as an obligation, when I feel under pressure for other obligations I will let it go, drop it as I attempt to make space between my perceived obligations for myself instead of seeing and realizing that writing is not my obligation but my self support and that all the more when I perceive myself under stress or pressure that would be the time to sit down and write to avoid accumulation of energetic reactions and their unavoidable consequences

I commit myself to, when people are around, to make the time to write and push through my resistances to do so until writing is one and equal with who I am and not something separate

I commit myself to stop defining writing as a task I have to do, an obligation, a therapy as any definition separates me from writing as who I am as a tool for self support to stop my participation in and as the Mind and return myself Here to the physical, in and as Breath.

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• 142- Learning How to be Self Directive as the Journey to Life
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Day 215: The Gangster's Moll - Character

I spoke before about where I grew up being a rough neighborhood, rough as in Crime prone, where violence was palpable even on the days it didn't erupt into anything visible.

It was present within the families as well.

I am not clear on when I stopped trusting the system, it must have been early, what impressed me as a kid was the hypocrisy of everything, people said something but meant something else, or did something else and this applied to the system at large, Church in particular.

The people going to Church were the scariest to me, I had witnessed there the biggest evils, the violence in a way seemed more honest, that was what everybody felt, caged and enraged within a system of inequality and confined in government projects without hopes for their future.

I was an hybrid there, I had one foot into the system of privileges that a private education was granting me and a foot on the streets.

But while I was not clear if my education privileges would ever take me anywhere, the Gangs people of my neighborhood, had arrived 'somewhere', they had cars and big houses to show that and above all, they commanded Respect.

I soon became attracted to men who I perceived had some sort of power, the Alpha males so to say, of course every Alpha follows their own Alphabet, so if you are a Alpha male in a crime neighborhood, you must be the top dog within a Crime "bloodline" or close, or somehow you had to be regarded with respect by them.

Of course at the time I did not understand this was born out of Fear, I lived with an eccentric mother who decorated our home in a cheap Victorian style, inside my home everything seemed fine, ceramic dogs and laces, the piano playing, she tried to put a thick layer between herself and the world outside of our door and only look for the 'good side of things' even in a neighborhood where there was no good, she turned our home into a magical kingdom of plants, some real and most fake to create the desired fake harmony, while I cultivated dreams to just get away from this underworld and move on up.

At the time I had no access to the world of "men with a future", those men didn't roam our neighborhood if not briefly to come and pick up drugs or other illegal stuff, so the closest I could dream about moving up was either to leave Italy, that in itself would be a move up because in my imagination nothing could top Italy in the lower realms -and boy was I wrong- or just join the gangs.

The Gangs were Male dominated, the entrance into the power world of the Gangs would have been only through affiliation with a Boss, hence the importance of grooming and be beautiful, because men would pick women out of their shit holes to mate with them and if the women were good at holding on to the goodies, relationship could be formed, just for sex of course, but the goodies of women were the only weapon to guarantee an entrance into the forbidden world of men and power.

No wonder we made of prostitution the oldest job in the trade, it was The Only Job we could see and have access to that would give us some Equal footing in terms of Money as Power.

The first time I watched the Godfather I came out of the movie theatre Awestruck, I was a teenager, by then the only 2 powers I had identified were the Church and the Police, The Godfather became a cult movie for me, much like 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show" for some, minus the costumes, because to be a powerful Mafia person you only needed normal clothes and a load of money. That would become my idea of what real Power is, which when I translate it today would be to scare others more than they scare you, to be the top scary dog and so I often dreamed of being the Gangster's Moll, which in some ways is a Character that even though I have not lived in it's potential, I have lived in all its nuances.

What I liked about Gangster's Molls was that they were strong chicks, yes they were maintained by a man, but that didn't diminish their fieriness, their feistiness, that role would suit me fine, I felt the fiery in me and I did not know where to place it because men liked sweet wimps, or so it seemed, and so the search for the top dogs of my life began.

This led me to a lot of less than satisfactory relationships, as many top dogs are just that, dogs, that is the role they play, so wanting the exclusivity of an exclusive man was always a struggle in itself. My first success was my Irish boyfriend B., my first love, he had a Fun Fair and he was the middle son of a family of Gypsies, we would say today, people with no fixed abode, he had fair eyes -I just listened yesterday to Anu's interview about physical traits, haha, the FREE spirit I though I was- was in a band and all women wanted him, plus he had the respect of his staff, he wouldn't refrain from fighting hard and he was jealous, all good traits in my book, the jealousy was important because it warranted me unconditional safety. As a kid I had been bullied by boys, taken to the cellars and asked to take my clothes off or I would be beaten and had just been saved by the bell when my mum walked downstairs to store the bycicle away, but the fear staied, that a group of men could always overpower me in a cellar or in a courtyard and I discovered that men in a group will always do what the 'leader' said, so I wanted to get me a leader, because he could tell the others 'leave her alone', she is my Babe.

On this note I found interesting that things that offended other women, I longed for instead, I loved being called a Babe, Baby, I loved that a man would say 'I'll take you there' or 'Come here', and when I got married and my ex husband didn't play this role for me I felt forgotten and unsafe. The first time he said 'I don't like to say 'I'll take you there, you are not 'a thing'' I could not understand what he meant, such was my desire to belong to a man, I wanted to be a possession, I wanted to be possessed, in every way.

So tomorrow I will walk the Fear, Thought, Imagination, Backchat/internal conversation/ Reactions (Emotions/Feelings)/ Physical Behaviour and Consequences of this Character I have created, because on the coming back of B. and our long chat, when we kinda role played with this Character I felt a reaction of wanting to go back in time and re experience that sense of empowerment through disempowerment, if that makes any sense at all, I wanted to be the Babe, the Doll, the woman he wanted and craved next to him no matter how fiery and dangerous I have proved to be, but I could not bring myself to engage it in full, I have slipped out of some of my addictions and now I can't find the lever to press that brings out the Gangster's Moll suit in all its splendour but just what I perceive as a pathetic attempt to diminish myself, so I can belong and when he said 'Don't you ever Change' I felt the return to Reality of the 'Too late, I already did'.

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Day 171: Broken Stepford Wife - Part2

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Day 154: Don't Make Me Repeat Myself - Character

My mum has been staying for a couple of days, she is 72 but very alert, no Alzheimer or Dementia, which would be points that would allow me to ease off out of this Character that I saw myself step into when I have to 'repeat Myself', because I could use HER Dementia to "Excuse Her" for having me repeating myself over and over.

Basically today I experienced a reaction after the 3rd time she made me repeat something, and I had a quiet backchat going but it still was there, and it went like this "come on, how many times do I have to repeat this, why don't you get it, what's wrong with you, why are you not catching what I said, how many more times do I have to repeat myself?'

I did not voice this out aloud, but my tone changed and so my mum perceived my annoyance and said " if you asked me the same thing for 3 times I would not be impatient like you" to which I had to add 'you don't know that, right? Because I never make you repeat yourself soo many times', because obviously I had to have a come back line to prove I was right in my reaction as impatience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to having to repeat myself because someone did not catch what I meant to say the first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the impatience of others when I asked to repeat something and for disliking the experience of feeling responsible for the impatience of another that I live in fear of asking someone to 'repeat themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within a negative polarity if someone doesn't catch what I said the first time, because if I had communicated effectively they would have, should have, which I perceive and judge as me not being effective at communicating which makes me feel bad about myself and desire to blame it on another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the backchat 'why don't you understand what I said, how many times I have to repeat myself' as the Character 'don't make me repeat myself', instead of just breathing, stopping the backchat and looking at why she did not understand what I said and how could I deliver the information she was seeking in another way until she got it, without having to make a fuss out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is normal to be impatient when I have to repeat myself because grown ups do it to children, they did it to me, and so now that I am a grown up it is my turn to be impatient with those that make me repeat myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for faults in another that asks me to 'repeat myself' because I judge myself as not having been effective, move into the negative experience of myself and then see for the shift through blame to restore myself into the 'positive experience of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ones that don't get an information at the first go as 'slow and stupid' and for judging myself as 'slow and stupid when I have not understood something at the first go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to the ones that have to ask 'sorry, can you repeat', because in that moment I move into comparison and see myself having 'got it at the first go' as better and more than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself when I do not get something at the first go, because I fear others will compare themselves to me and see themselves as superior, while it's me moving into the experience of inferiority in fear of judgement as self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Time is Money and therefore when my Time is consumed by having to repeat myself I move into 'you are costing me' Character as Impatience, in which, since I am the one transferring the information I am the one losing within the transaction because I am both the more knowledgeable and the one 'wasting time' as my time is Not returning to me Money or a positive experience as the positive feedback of succesful transfer of information at the first go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to step into the Impatience Character as I move into and as The Mind, evaluating time as Money as what I am losing within a transaction that is repeating itself for which I do not perceive myself being rewarded for

I forgive myself for accepting and alowing myself to desire to not address all of my reactions because some are small and I can deceive myself that I did not 'really' react, because it did not lead to a blow up, instead of seeing and realizing that I write daily for the purpose of supporting myself to address every and any reaction I have during the day, big or small, until I no longer react to anything in my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that patience is something I can 'lose' as if patience is something that I have as an experience of myself in separation from myself, instead of seeing patience as who I am and living the word patience One and equal to me, within the simplicity of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access this Character 3 times today, because I was not willing to acknowledge my first 'small' reaction and so I have to push myself to repeat and repeat until I get it, which is ironically what I am pissed about with my mum, as I am pissed with myself for 'having made myself repeat myself' because I did not get it the first time and just stopped it with and as Breath until I could apply Sf and write out my self Corrective application

When and as I see myself starting to get annoyed, about to get annoyed, on the step of annoyement for having to 'repeat myself' I stop and breathe, look at WHAT is it that I am repeating about myself that I did not get the first time around, Breathe to stabilize myself and do not allow myself to access the Character 'don't make me repeat myself' in the obnoxious patronizing stance and tone of voice this Character offers, instead I refrain from speaking, until I no longer see the reaction inside of me, to make sure I don't move into automatic Character Play but that I can stabilize myself and express myself outside of any energy movement

I commit myself to stop allowing and accepting myself to become 'annoyed' for repeaing myself as the Character 'don't make me repeat myself', especially with myself, since my mum was just showing me that I was in fact looping the same reaction point over and over, and that when I do catch myself repeating myself into the same reaction that I have NOT addressed and taken responsibility for, I stop, I breathe, bring myself back Here and Correct Myself in the moment so as to not have to board the stupidity loop of repeating myself again and again, until I get it. 

I commit myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and common sense such as giving to another the attention and time required to communicate effectively without moving into energetic experiences as I see this is What is best for me and What is Best for All.

 

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• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
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Day 145: The Judge - Judging Myself and Others as Characters

This Character is one of my oldest and as such, most treasured.

Maybe treasured is not the right word, because this is one nasty Character, let's say one of the most familiar and yet uncomfortable, one of the most abusive and yet well known, letting go of some of my Characters feels like leaving behind an old time abusive friend, once you learn to live with the abuse you fear you'll miss them when they won't be around anymore.

I remember being a kid playing "the Judge" in the courtyard to establish who was Wrong and Who was right regarding disputes.

I remember as well a comment made by my mother to someone, praising me for being a natural 'Leader' and 'Moderator' and how good it felt to be praised for doing something worthwhile with my life at 5-6 years old.

Courtyard disputes were usually about stuff, toys, bicycles, who should play with whom, who said the wrong thing who said the right thing.

At the time I had not realized that my special position as a Judge was granted to me by being the one who had the biggest access to the Money system, as I was an only Child, never competing for resources within the family -until a new man came into the picture- and the only granddaughter as well, lavished with both gifts and Money that, as I wrote in another post, I could hide from my mother and gave me a sort of autonomy, I was somehow spared from the crawling all kids had to do to get into their parents favours to get what they wanted.

This put me above the crowd and as such, as the natural Judge of my Environment, like the TV Judges who have no Power in the reality of a courtroom but limit themselves to the recording room of the 'Judge TV Shows', my recording room was my courtyard.

The elation of my new role was short lived, because as soon as I embodied the Judge Character, the Judge started to Judge me as well, which was not what I had in mind when I self elected myself as the Judge of others due to my wisdom=as access to Money and yet, once the lock in to this personality suit took place, the nasty side effect of self judgement became more obvious and I started to experience doubts and anxieties, both on my rulings, 'what if I did not rule for the 'Right' One? What if I am influenced by my friendships ties? How can I be Wise to uphold this Judge Role with Fairness and Justice? 

Most of these questions were for sure prompted by talks with my mum trying to explain to me the 'Right and Wrong' of my new Character and how to try to be impartial when I expressed my opinion about others, something that we did not practice at home, as all the Opinions my family expressed, especially on my grandparents side, were absolutely biased and always designed to depict someone as 'bad' if they had fallen from their Grace, some of the comments made behind closed doors about people to whom they had smiled just 5 minutes before were scary and evil, they often threw in my mum as well and asked me to participate in the bashing, this was a point that ended up making me physically sick, in time I saw there was a correlation between my dinners at grandparents and my anxiety as I tried to not upset the boat by standing up for my mum and yet judged myself mercilessly for not doing so.

I don't have memories of much of the same happening with my mum, she actually tended like me to feel guilty and ashamed for saying certain things, not that the point of 'thinking certain things' is any different from speaking 'certain things' if not that they are not shared and exposed, and yet we have been granted by this world the knowledge that whatever happens in your mind is a bit like Vegas, as long as it stays in Vegas no one is the wiser.

Yes, it's true, no one is the wiser, as we drag our lives from one judgement to another, about ourselves and everyone else, the everyone else is like the chicken or the egg, still unclear who came first, did I start to judge myself first and then projected my judgements on others, or did I start to judge others first and then had no choice but to start to judge myself? Are there 'Others' by the way?

As I wrote I saw that self judgement started first, it must have, how could I start to think about judging another if I had not been shown what judgement is, we learn through example, so every time a parent criticizes their kid and passes judgements about how they express themselves, sit, walk, speak, eat, and then trying to access their mind with 'what were you thinking?' so they can judge their thoughts as well for being appropriate or inappropriate which is when and how we retreat into the mind to never again investigate what it is that is going on with me, where are these Thoughts coming from, how did this 'Thinking' business started and why don't I seem in control of it? WHO is thinking? Is someone living in my Mind doing the thinking? Why do I have thoughts I do not agree with, as Oscar Wild used to say?

So the self judgements piles up and then looking for relief, the judgement goes outward, to show oneself that I am not the worst, there is worse out there, look carefully, let me dig out some of their 'Secret Mind' bullshit and expose it, then we can all have a Judgement Feast, let's invite friends and celebrate our nastiness, see how we can outdo each other, who has the guts to judge the most, say the most awful things about another as The Truth, justifying how we crawled all the way under the scum of the Earth out of the Fear of being Judged, ending up Judging for a living, because when the Judgement of Others Stop, I am faced with all the Self Judgement I have not dealt with and God forbid I should open that damn of my own self created damn-nation, just to be swept away into nothingness and annihilation.

Will follow tomorrow with Self Forgiveness and SC to stop my participation in and as The Judge standing as  Judgement of myself and others as the Characters of Existence.

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Day 136: Committing to Stop my Desire to Own and Control Others

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to controlling character where I would secretly revel within the power of having the power to control another being and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise and understand that to accept and allow myself to become the controller I am accepting and allowing the polarity design of ‘control’ to exist within and as myself thus I am perpetuating the creating and experience of being controlled which I can now see, realise and understand is not a pleasant experience for anyone and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise and understand that ‘wanting’ to control another person means that I feel powerless within and as myself which I then try and remedy by controlling / trying to control another person, which when successful, I feel better about who I am within and as myself and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise and understand that when I become the controller I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for who I am within and as each breath as I am relying on ‘control’ to direct the situation without me actually standing up and directing the situation within and as an expression of who I am. Esteni De Wet

When and as I see myself desiring to control another, planning and plotting how to best enslave them to me, I stop, Breathe, see, realize and understand that if such desires arise in and as me I have given in to the feeling of being Powerless and the Fear that I need to own and control another so that I can manipulate the outcome of a situation toward my hidden wishes and desires, in fear of Not getting what I expect out of a situation, instead I address my hidden wishes and desires to see where and how they originated and what I fear to lose if I stop my existence as the Good Master of Others



I commit myself to no longer step into the Good Master Character as a way to feel more and more worthy than another but to address my feelings of insecurity as they come up together with my fear of inferiority so as to STOP once and for all my desire to own others and have power over their Lives



I commit myself to investigate where, how and why, I have designed myself into this fake benevolent Character for the purpose of manipulation and control of another , as I see realize and understand that there is nothing benevolent about trying to create debts in the Life of another that will have to be repaid when I decide to call them back, as this is the very behaviour of a Mafia Boss or of the Banking System that I no longer want to see manifested in the World as a reflection of myself and my own Secret Mind

 

I commit myself to release everyone I have tied to me through a system of 'favors' as I see , realize and understand that I have never given anything for free but as an 'investment' and that 'investing' in the Life of others for the purpose of Profiting is what this Money System is doing to All of us as a reflection of our own participation as 'Investors for profit ' in the lives of others, instead I make sure that what I give has no strings attached, because the system we are redesigning as ourselves as an Equal Money System has no strings attached as everyone will be cared for Equally without Profiting or Retaliation for missed 'Imaginary Due Paybacks' and it won't manifest until we let go of our own Profiting and Retaliation in the name of Imaginary Due Paybacks


I commit myself to no longer abuse those who find themselves in a position of having less than me, which is the easiest place for abuse if their livelihood depends on me as in the employer/employee relationship as I see realize and understand that it is just because I am part of a system of Abuse that I get to have employees as I Capitalize on Their Need to Make Money to buy themselves Their Right to Live, because when everyone will have Equally, noone will be any longer in the position to Abuse for the livelihood of another and until then to treat everyone as I would like to be treated, giving as I would like to receive and standing One and Equal with everyone I share 'Time' with on this planet, until we are all released as Each one walks to release themselves from Slavery into a System of Support for and as Life as What is Best for All in Oneness and Equality






I commit myself to stop myself when I see that I automatically move into the 'how can I profit, how can I benefit, what's in it for me?' Character which works in association with the Good Master Cover Up as a Team of Thugs whenever I am interacting with someone and to no longer suppress this backchat of mine because I dislike seeing me as having turned into a profiteer of Life, but instead look at the thoughts that I have accepted and allowed to be automated as me so I can release them through self Forgiveness and self Corrective application to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All



I commit myself to no longer be ashamed of digging into the dark corners of my Mind so I can become accountable for what goes on inside of me, as Change for myself and All of Existence Equal and One can come only through my absolute accountability and Self responsibility to Correct myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

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Day 131: The Desteni Character

I am very glad that we have started this topic about investigating this particular Character.

When I first met Desteni I had realized that something was seriously wrong with this World, the point of Money and Profit and how WE are All profiteers was not yet within my awareness, I had just reached the stage in which I saw All Others as Profiteers that were just out for themselves.

I landed to Desteni through Conspiracy Theories, some of these should not be called Theories since there is clearly a World Agenda that is not considering Humanity or Life At All, yet I did not see the part I played in it. I am not yet clear about it even now as I write, a point that makes me fear to approach some of the 'Existential Writings' as I am still dwelling and lost within my own 'personal' shit that I can't fathom seeing me as part of the Economics Problem for example or the Money System.

I had the privilege to translate just 1 Chapter of the Equal Money System book, I cannot even recall why we did not go ahead, possibly other things to do came up, we went for FAQ translations, yet when I read that one Chapter a part of me saw the interconnectedness of All Things, and how WE as Humans do play a role within the Money system as the system itself. It was just undeniable and right in my face.

Some days when this 'process' seems overwhelming I remind myself that at the beginning I could not even understand Equal Money for the Life of me, I told this on Forums, I even told that I just don't know what is it to live as Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All. None of Us walking this Journey to Life project knows yet, because we have Not Yet Lived it, we are not IT yet, we can only try and fail to conceptualize it as knowledge and information.

In time I have made Equal Money something that I understand as Me, it is the Equality of Me granting the right to Life to All Living beings on Earth through an act of realignment of my priorities.

Which opens up another can of worms, I don't know what kind of Life I am aiming for, what to expect Equal Money will change for real and how this is going to happen in the Physical, this has not diminished in any way the point that this should be the goal of All of Us, to come united for All Life on Earth, to stop our ideas of Separation and stand as One.

Today I read Gian's Blog, Living a Commitment, and I realized I do not live my commitments, because Process for me is a To Do Thing, it's a Task that I do as a decision that I took to stand for Life, and that while I have corrected the "in my face" points of self Abuse since I joined Desteni, I have as well evolved this Character through phases.

The first one was my Desteni Taliban phase, during which I have terrorized Family and friends with blabbing about the End of Times and death and reality Not Being real, to my Hong Kong friends I told Hong Kong would be wiped out and to pack up and move, I sent in the big guns as the Portalling of Nostradamus I seem to remember, Hong Kong it's still there, which just added to the idea of lunacy I have spread around while in this Phase that led me to in fact Hope it would be wiped out so they would see that I was in fact Right. One point that proved the Desteni message about Earth being an Ass-ylum and us being both Mental cases and basically plain Ass-holes, because if we were not we would have already stood up for a solution to this world where 22000 children starve every day to death and 2.7 bil people don't have access to clean water and sanitation just because we drool after a System where the capital of the World has become Money and Life has gone on sale, that we are Assholes seems self evident.

Then I had the Desteni Isolated Character, in fear of mixing with the World and not being able to keep my big mouth shut and do further damage, now I have moved into the Desteni wise Old Soul, having granted myself the validity of my application through the time I lasted, to my surprise.

Yet, within all this Characters I have not lived, I forgot to Live because Living is what I fear most, death always seemed such a comfort that I do not yet know how to do this Living thing and I keep forgetting the breathing, even if I write it to myself as a reminder every day, Breathe, and then I go and don't do it.

And the NOT breathing piles up into anxiety, as I reduce this 'walk' to a task that I must undertake, finish, see to the end, do as much as I can, accumulating guilt for what I do not do, don't read enough Blogs, post enough things, participate openly enough, not a good team player, basically I took Desteni as my new bashing tool, it's been way more effective than Religion as I hold on to the same fears that brought me Here to walk this walk, the fear that I won't Die and will have to live again after Death, the fear that I have nowhere to go if I decide to step off the Desteni coach to Oneness and Equality because I am stuck within 2 realities none of which yet works out in any way close to any idea I had of a Good Life.

And then the question in the back of My Mind: when do I get to live?

So I keep myself busy, I write, do my assignments, take on projects so I won't have to live through those awkward moments when the question 'now what?' comes up, as I project myself into this Internet based life in which I don't seem to have anything else that is meaningful, so many words that carry ideas and images of a Life that I never had and without knowing what I am shooting for, because how can I walk a Path without a Direction and is Oneness and Equality a Direction even when I don't even understand what that means yet?

So my Desteni Character is made with the Dream of a World that is Best for All and the Fears that we won't get there, that we won't be good enough, eloquent enough, standing as an example well enough to show how this is possible, is made of the fear that I am walking an unknown Path to an unknown Destination and that I won't understand if what I am doing is on 'the right path' as we are all together walking a Pathless Path to what we have seen that has to be done, because this World is a madhouse and a whorehouse, where all of us are on sale for the purpose to Live, is THIS Life?

And then the fear that I cant quit anymore, that I boarded a trip I cannot get off from because the 'off' from this trip is just Off, there is nothing behind and nothing ahead yet.

Tomorrow I will walk my self forgiveness for how I have walked this process so far, to remove from it my definitions and resistances to seemingly small points, the word "Destonian", which I don't like because it has an O where an E should be, like in my name, and I don't want to identify with it as it reverberates within my Mind of sects and cults, or the resistance to the idea of the Robot that makes me react every time a 'system is explained in detail' as I don't want to accept that this is what I have reduced myself to, or the word Mind Consciousness System that I am tired to even Hear, or the Word 'Process' which in Italian translates as 'trial' as in a Court of Law, within which I live in the constant frightening idea that is more than a Court of Law, it's a Martial Court, in which I condemn myself even before I stand trial, and that this has to turn from a Trial into a Doing, because this way is not working and I will have to restart like Gian, from Who I am within this and I won't be able to see what is going on within myself until I slow myself down enough to see what is it that thing that I am doing all day long, what is it that keeps me preoccupied in my Mind about NOT being Able to stop the thinking, what is it that stands in the way of me applying what I am committing to if not Me? And then see the Whys, so I can see the Hows, as it will be only facing Me as The Problem that Me as The Solution can be Revealed.

Related articles

• Day 115: DREAM EVOLUTION 2012
• Day 112: The Time Has Come
• Day 135: Consciousness and True Activism
• Day 113: Where were You in This Life?

Day 130: For-Giving the (Self) Molestation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I could not express myself as sexuality as a Child, I hoped and desired that men would come along who seemed to have the key to my sexuality as 'men were in charge of sex' according to the images of sex I saw and imprinted myself with, so I could experience myself sexually with them, through them, without having to carry the guilt and shame for giving in to sex to satisfy my curiosity, and for then suppressing this desire because the desire to experience myself sexually was 'bad", ending up turning these desires into suppressed and hidden thoughts, images and memories that were charged with self judgement, shame and guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful within the desire to experience myself sexually as a child because I accepted and allowed myself o be imprinted with my mother's view on sex and how it was that sex is done with a man, which then created the thought and desire, 'bring a man here then'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to interact with an 'unknown' man would give birth to molestation as I made myself the target for 'unknown men' to approach me as the answer to my suppressed thoughts of which I was not aware of consciously where they were themselves drawn to me as a match to me and my secret hidden thoughts/desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was 'bad' for holding such secret desires, without being able to see realize or understand HOW those desires were formed through suppression, I deserved all the molestation that I got

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to molest myself with pictures and images of sex that I would look for and file within and as me to prove to myself that 'others did it' and I was not so bad after all, without seeing realizing and understanding that those pictures through which I would experience myself in shame and guilt would build up and turn into self molestation of myself as my Mind and give birth to the molested Character who in turn would attract Molesters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex in my early years of sexual expression to shame and guilt which made me enraged which in turn sought for targets which became men as The Molesters, for which I ended up perceiving I felt a deep hatred that I pushed down and hid as I did not want to be bad for hating someone and not 'forgiving' the weaknesses of men because 'all men are like that, they just want to get in your pants', while in fact I didn't and just accumulated hatred and contempt for their inability to keep their hands to themselves not seeing or realizing the part that I played in our interactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I had so much hatred for men and the continuous consistent abuse that I perceived they were inflicting on me when I walked down the streets as a Child, or when I ate a banana, or when I was just on a bus going to school, in a movie theatre watching a movie, within a friend's circle when suddenly one would behave in a way that I perceived as a trespassing, and for looking at them as Inferior Creature who were led by their Dicks, without seeing realizing and understanding that if they are led by their dicks, they must be led TO something/someone who matched their desires, and that it was me leading them on because a Victim must have an Abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self hatred, for having given up Life for The Mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, onto men, making them responsible and blaming them for everything that went on within me as self Abuse, so I would not have to be responsible of how I experienced myself and stand to correct myself to stop the experience of me as bad, shameful, guilty, regarding sexuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and angry when my mum said 'there must be something wrong with you if it keeps happening to you' as I took that as a judgement as a reflection of my own self judgement regarding myself and my hidden sexuality, missing out on the opportunity to in fact NOT take it personally which would have allowed me to see that there was something wrong with me in fact and that was what I had stored in me as me and then went and lived out in the Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to speak up, in fear of losing the privilege of being liked and desired by men who represented the key and the door to my sexuality and so never wanting to close any door, just in case, just wording excuses such as, you are like a brother ' there is nothing wrong with you, it's me' and the list goes on, without seeing realizing and understanding that to NOT be Self Honest and tell myself What is the Freaking Pay back of all this Molestation, which of course was the point of being desired, an Ogre would do, I ended up blaming myself even when I had been trying to be as clear as possible, within the limitation of seductress character that I secretly played at all times around men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the con-clusion, that since it did not seem possible to have men keep their hands to themselves, their nasty comments, wolf whistles and generally any demeaning act they could come up with, I should capitalize on it and get on the command deck, where I would stir and move the manipulation of the Dickheads into the Direction that best served me as in, if you can't beat them, manipulate them and get something out for yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such a world as 'normality' even when as a kid the suppressed sexual tension between all interactions physically scared me as I could see it weaved into every and any conversation, topic, attitude and yet no one else seemed to notice that there were 2 things leading the world and none of them were in the Hands of Women as Money and Sex, and I concluded we better get smart about it and in fact turn things around, either through Money to be able to stop the sexual favours we engage in at all times, given or promised or paraded and not delivered, or through Sex to get to the Money, because this world is a freaking fearful place to be without Money and Women were left with sex to get to the upper crust where the Money is, and so be it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce my sexual expression to a stock market, in which I was always trading something as it was driven into me that men wanted this thing I had to offer MORE than we did, or they would not offer to buy it, which tilted the market value of sex in my favour as the seller and that I should take full advantage of my position of being the owner of a stock which was so sought after and for which men were willing to give in, either the dough or something I could trade for a better, safer future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that we were built this way as sex and as the way we would interact with each other, but we do not have to accept this as who we are, we can stop and stand and say, I no longer trade for sex or money as a first individual step that we take to Change the World as Ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that, due to the extent of self judgement, shame and blame that I held toward myself when I saw that I crossed the line from Perceived Abused to Abuser, anything that came from men seemed in some way legitimized, not for the How I Carry Myself Without as in the excuse that I am not Making Up, wearing Heels or behaving in a seductive way, but for how I carry myself within, as the Abused Abuser, having molested myself to no end with sexuality issues stemming from suppression and judgement and so I have turned myself into a Light House for Molesters and Abusers as they see Me as I see/experience Me and then they see themselves as authorized to step into their Abuser Role as I move back into the Abused/Molested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, due to the way I perceived myself and my hidden secret participation in the Molester and Molested Game, I had no right to speak up and say NO, turning myself into the door mat of the Abusers Molesters as I ended up believing it was always my fault and that if I had not done this or that, said this or that, until it became a habit to look for what I did wrong while the Molester got away without notice, instead of standing up and voicing 'this is NOT what I want' because this issue has two sides, yet this is no Justification or a clean bill for Men who molest Children, as we are all the products of a very disturbed society and we have to STOP on both sides of the Coin and while I stop my participation as the Abused/Abuser I will voice what is acceptable and what is Not in My world and the world I want to live in as A World that is Best for All


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man stands in self justification for molesting a Child by saying things like 'You Crazy Bitch' or 'You are Dreaming' or "I don't know what you are talking about', it is not for me to feel ashamed as if I were all these things he said and if I don't know what I am talking about to the point that I no longer talk at all, because heavy breathing on your neck, a hard dick against your ass and fondling your behind or doctors who are supposed to look at your foot and pull down your panties, do not need to be told what they are doing, as THEY KNOW what they are doing, which is abusing their position of power either as an Adult vs a Child or as a Representative of some Organization/Institution such as the Medical/Educational/Religious and that standing up and saying NO I do not accept this is important for me and them too to realize that whatever fantasy they are playing out, it's just that, Their fantasy, which has nothing to do with the physical reality and as we all come to terms with the fact that we are psychopaths within our own Minds abusing each other we can stop and stand to change the world for Life and what is best for All

I commit myself to speak up against Abuses as I correct myself as the Self Abuser I have become so that Inward and Outward the World can Change, which is what we are doing with the proposal of an Equal Money System, in which all Mental Illnesses and dis-eases will be addresses and supported for correction so everyone can be equally supported to live behind their life of Abuse for LIFE to build a World where we are in fact proud to live and not ashamed and terrified for what we have created that we now have to walk as a ConSequence into Self Correction

I commit myself to delete my past as it comes up in pictures/thoughts and memories as I see realize and understand that the Past is Over and that I can only change My Past by not repeating it into time/stupidity loops to show myself that I saw where and how I was participating within a specific point and that I took responsibility for it, so as to not leave behind myself a trail of distorted/diseased relationships as the ones I made up in my mind based on abuse as the abused/abuser and One + One as we correct ourselves it will reflect into our World outside and what becomes possible as we walk away from our limitations, one + one.

Related articles

• Day 36 - Porn
• The epidemic of child molestation
• Day 96: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements
• Day 79: Blame Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.
• Day 131: Forgiveness and True Activism
• Day 128: Economic Slavery and True Activism