Day 21: Rotten Fruits - The Silence of the Lambs

 

As a kid I was taught that silence is always questioned and not always welcome.

My grandmother taught me that 'the word is silver but silence is gold' as in having MORE value, interesting that everything we believe and define has a value tag on the Money chart of existence, but she did not mean it, she only meant that I should shut up when I was supposed to  and speak 'appropriately and in an educated way ' when required.

One sentence I heard later in Life is, "It's nice to be able to sit next to each other without the desire to talk or without the need to Talk...and feeling Ok about it:, I always agreed, to the sentence in general, not about having reached that status of 'being OK with it', as I have almost never been OK when I sit in silence with someone, unless if and when I don't know them.

Why is it and how that I have developed this pattern of 'Filling the Gaps of Silence" ?

I was not very talkative as a kid, some answers to Life questions would have been fine kept short, like "How was school ?" "Fine", this was not appreciated as the people around me, due to their own personal mindfucks, always attached something to my 'keeping my replies short' that could go from 'you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk to me, hei Missy, don't take that tone with me and the last one was 'are you angry with me ?' this mainly from my grandmother, so I equated talking, including talking verbal diarrhea, with being FINE, being acceptable while showing others I am FINE and there is nothing wrong going on between us, we are OK.

But in truth, within our secret Minds, nothing is ever fine, we are always busy criticising ourselves or others and the best strategy is to have people talk, so they won't be able to fuck off in their secret mind and do damage and this applied to myself, I talk nonsense to fill spaces, voids to exorcise the fear that if I am not talking I am thinking and if I am thinking someone is getting fucked up there, I used to think it could be me or others, now I see it can only ever be me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the verbal diarrhea way of communicating as a way to fill gaps of silence in fear of getting lost in and as my secret mind and regretting what went on 'up there'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a chatty personality that speaks useless rubbish just as a way to not leave gaps in which I fear what I will think or feel for the person talking to me for which I blamed them instead of taking self responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and emotions and stop myself from participating in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I saw or perceived people around me having enough of my chatty behaviour that I cold not stop as the nonsense chat was better than having to face myself in self honesty about what was going on inside of me that I projected on others through blame and judgements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was clever for having come up with this chatty personality as a way to avoid conflict failing to see there were no conflicts outside but just inside of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear silence because as soon as there is a moment of silence I wonder what the other is thinking allowing my mind to be preoccupied with the possible potential thoughts of another as a way to just live in and as The Mind to not face myself Here in Breath for what I accept and allow myself to exist as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at the ones that always wanted words out of me as a way to prove themselves that everything was fine, while I see I was always angry at me for taking on and living out this personality trait tormenting my mates within my Relationships in their moments of silence to assure to me that everything was fine, when I can see I don't need anyone's assurance but mine and that assurance is possible only when I am Here in and as Breath and out of the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire other's approval to 'feel fine' instead of being just fine with myself as Self expression Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear silence and for forcing myself to find stuff to talk about that led me to prefer isolation than other's company in which I felt always constricted to play out a part to fit in and be approved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to the design of verbal diarrhea just to fill gaps of uncomfortability without investigating what I was uncomfortable about so I could correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am the verbal diarrhea I speak about as a way to fill the uncomfortable silences in my life that I feel when I spend time with someone, that made me fear spending time with anyone in fear of activating this personality, not seeing I always had a choice, and not being able to just say 'there is nothing wrong I just don't have anything of value to say in this moment'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other's reactions I will have to face if I remain silent instead of seeing I feared silence in fear of what I would see and hear myself do in and as my secret mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I chat endlessly about things of 'value' like current news or hip topics, I am worthless because I have not accepted that to flow in the system I must be the system and not be in the system but not of the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to criticize my ex husband when he did not want to participate in verbal diarrhea, because it made me feel less for being the one who needed to participate in and as verbal diarrhea to fill my gaps of silence that gave me insecurities about myself and where I stood with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interface people through this chatty personality because I believed people fear less the chatty ones than the silent ones, while it is me fearing less the chatty ones than the silent ones that I cannot 'read, because you never know where you stand with the silent ones but they could  trust where they stood with me (fat chance)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to chat as a way to manipulate others into feeling safe and believing I was 'an open book' when in truth I never really shared personal self honest stuff but just bullshit to fill gaps and have people relax not having them thinking what I thought all the time "what is she/he thinking now ?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others think of me because I fear what I think of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fill in the gaps with my family about useless shit I know they wanted to hear and within this accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that my Life as Self Expression was not possible and I would have to suppress forever and live into remote corners of my mind where I could be safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have real relationships with anyone because I never gave myself a chance to interact for real within Relationships being too busy living and projecting the chatty me because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Quiet me was not OK

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be someone else and within this desire to not accept myself unconditionally in Self Expression where I speak only when I have something valuable to say, meaning something that can support another One and Equal to me or I can stay quiet and Breathe while I listen to another, without engaging thoughts about myself or another in self dishonesty while I miss a chance to really get to know the other being beyond my personalities and accepted behaviours

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the uncomfortability of silence, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to move in and as verbal diarrhea and contribute with my Words to the World Fuck Ups and if I have any feelings, thoughts or emotions, I will not speak because such expression is not of me as Life but of me as Mind Consciousness System and I have decided to stop my participation to stand up as Life for What is Best for All

When and as I see moving or about to move into the fear of silence, I stop, remind myself fear is not real and I'm just making it up to allow myself to go back to my usual behaviours of speaking with no awareness and I have decided I no longer want to do that so I will keep stopping myself until I no longer activate and live this pattern within and as me

I commit myself to slowing down and stopping my participation in the world in and as the verbal diarrhea that created and manifested the world in such fuck up with my own direct contribution, allowances and acceptances

I commit myself to realize that there is nothing to fear in the silence of me that is not suppression because silence as self expression or silence as unrequired and unsupportive words for myself or another is perfectly fine, I commit myself to see that I am fine in and as Silence that is not suppression and to explore Silence as me as a way to Self Express Here as Life, One and Equal to Silence as Me.