Day 93: The Addict Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as The 'Addict' Character, failing to see that anything I define myself as, I become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the reason why I defined myself as The Addict Character was that so I could go on smoking pot whenever I wanted or relapse whenever I wanted because as an Addict it was beyond my control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I finally moved myself from the 'I like this lifestyle' Character to the I am an "Addict' Character, I was being honest as I was admitting my inability to step out of the Smoking Pot Character, instead of realizing I was just giving myself 'carte blanche' to go on smoking and fucking up my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the only reason why I may want to leave the door ajar into my I am an Addict Character, is because I have a secret plan to relapse, when and if I get a chance, because I believed that I cannot throw away 30 years of 'my History' as the definition of who I chose to be for 30 years, no matter how shitty that Character was to embody, it's still 'part of me' and I resist parting from it and within this I forgive myself for resisting parting from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately manipulate my memories of me as The Addict Character, leaving out all the unpleasant bits and the ginormous consequences I lived out so I could continue playing the demented Addict, instead of filing the real story of what playing this Character has costed me because I am too ashamed of looking back and seeing the amount of self abuse I have inflicted on myself and others playing this Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for having embodied the Addict Character and the 'I like this Lifestyle' Character and for the abuse I have inflicted on myself and others within the self interest of wanting to have the Addict experience, no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to The Addict Character as a way to remind myself that I became an Addict because there were troubles at home, so I could hold on to my Abused Child Character and maintain the friction with my family going to generate Energy for myself and believe that I was right and justified in my life choice as an Addict, justifying my life of self abuse and of abuse of others by blaming my childhood as the cause of my suppressions and then justifying the self medication I took as Pot, because I had to create a dis-ease in my mind to justify why I needed to self medicate, instead of stepping out of both the Character of the Abused Child and the Self Medicating Addict Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am defined by the shame of my Life of Self Abuse and that at the most I can suppress it and keep it at bay by no longer smoking, even though I left the door to go back to my Character ajar, because One never knows, while I know at all times what I am doing and why and it is just a Matter of becoming Self Honest to step out of this Character for Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking a joint is an option I don't want to dismiss for good, because what if one day 'I'm just feeling too compressed and suppressed and I have given up my 'medicine for good' and what could be my saving grace I won't have access to, instead of seeing that Pot was never my saving grace but my living disgrace as I pushed myself lower and lower in the pit of self pity and addiction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going back to work because, having left the door of Pot smoking ajar, in case of stress, and having connected work to stress within my mind as something that will come up for sure, once I will move into the belief that I am too stressed out, from that plateau I will automatically seek for my 'I am too stressed out' medicine, instead of realizing that I was too stressed out in the Past because I did not have the tools of writing myself out and stopping my own self abuse through thoughts/feelings and emotions, but now The Past is Over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of this Character, because I have embodied it for so long that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it was me, as Who I Really Am, and not just a Character that I played out as a way to not take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dupe myself with the stories about my bravery to admit that, yes I was in fact An Addict, failing to see I was not being brave, I was just laying out my justifications of why I would never give it up so I could smoke to my heart content having admitted that, yes I am flawed and I don't give a fuck about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was/am flawed and there is nothing I can do about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that as I wished to not have responsibility for my actions, at the same time I abdicated my power to change, because power is where self responsibility is, and that if in the past I doubted myself to be able to change is because I had not in fact taken self responsibility, but admitted my powerlessness through the acceptance of the Character I Am an 'Addict' and lived it out as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to images of people smoking a joint, the blue Rizla pack and logo, movies in which the pot smokers seem happy and relaxed, posts on Facebook about getting high, and for then suppressing all the reactions because I don't want to face the point of looking at them, seeing that is all Fear and investigating, what am I afraid of, just to see that I fear the door ajar that I left behind me as my future opportunity to step back in Character as The Addict and do myself in for good this time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself on the Pot Point, because of all the times that I told myself - and others- that I was going to quit and then I didn't, instead of seeing I failed because I planned to fail through leaving the door ajar back to the Addict Character, which is the reason for the fears I have felt and suppressed now, and that I can decide to just shut that door for good and move on, because I Am the One that Decides

I commit myself to stop any judgement I have about Pot, as my enemy, and accept that chances to go back to smoking Pot are everywhere and I cannot avoid seeing when a Pot deal is taking place because I have trained myself for it, but I can commit myself to closing the Addict Door for good as that will make anything I see irrelevant as I have made my Decision as the Self Directive principle of me to never return to that Character, the Past is Over

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself react or about to react and be tempted to either look away from the points I have identified as my triggers, such as the Rizla blue pack, the Rizla logo, the image of a joint or of grass, happy potheads in movies and in other circumstances, to simply remind myself that I no longer want to embody The Addict Character, Breathe, bring myself back Here and stand as The Self Directive principle of Myself until any urge or desire to suppress is gone as I have breathed myself through and out of my reactions

I commit myself to stop the nostalgic bullshit of Times Gone By, as they were never good times as they are portrayed by my mind when The Addict file comes to my attention in pictures flashes to activate me as The Addict, and that I am still walking the consequences of having embodied this Character for far too long to the detriment of my health and my life while I did everything possible to not be Here and face myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I commit myself to stop all judgement of me as The Addict Character, as I see realize and understand that any judgement is a point of separation, a point that I do not want to own of my Life and take responsibility for, yet it is me and I forgive myself for the Life I lived as an Addict and for believing The Addict Character to be me as Who I Really Am

I commit myself to shut the door to the Addict Character for good as I see realize and understand that what I feared was my Lack of a Decision that I could walk, never turning back, and so I stand here committed to myself and my decision to never engaging The Abusive Addict Character Again, for myself as What  is Best for All, as Life and All of Existence Equal and One

Day 92: The Addict

I started to smoke marijuana when I was 17, as I said many times I went on and off -with the "on" part very predominant- for over 30 years, 2/3 of my Life I was a Pot smoker. 

Only after I was 30 I faced the point 'I am an Addict', with some resistance, leaving behind the Character "I enjoy this lifestyle' since it became clear I had no life, only the 'style' as an habit of smoking.

Since we started this Character revealing Game, I had to come to term with a disturbing reality, All My Characters share one trait, the desire to NOT take responsibility and to NOT be Self Honest, no wonder that through Characters we have created such a world.

The point of the Addict Character still flashes occasionally as a memory, the distorted offering of images of the alleged 'good times' conveniently fading over the times when I would faint from over smoking or would just throw up when mixing with alcohol, my memory has left the good bits on the file label and content, the Addict File is tempting to revisit, when the memorie flash I see I could in fact step back in, given the chance, or better, I feel I have left the door ajar just in case I want to step back in and justify myself with the point that 30 years add-dick-tion cannot be just let go like that. No, better to keep the self abuse going as a form of respect for all the past self abuse, a History like this cannot be just trashed for good.

But in truth, this and my other Creation as his partner in crime ' I enjoy this Lifestyle' Character were never what they seemed to be, the one about making this Lifestyle choice was not Real because I was long gone down into automation by when I was 30, it was just my way to 'not lose face' to not have to come out and say , I've kind of lost control here and I don't know how to get out', and the other one was the Character that says 'ok, I admit, I lost control and I do not know how to get out'.

Yet, both Characters are just Liars, because I always knew how to get out, it was a pretty brainless path to walk, I would have to quit and go through the withdrawal and then come out of it and Stop.

I just didn't want to.

Because these 2 characters allowed me to not have to take responsibility for myself, either by a 'choice' as in a Lifestyle choice, where in fact what I was saying was, yes it's true, I enjoy isolating myself and smoking dope way more than living or having a functional Relationships, real interactions with other human beings, because all that is hard work as I have to confront and face all my reactions, self judgements, emotions and feelings and when this did not work out anymore for me, I apparently let go of my 'saving face' point to embrace the 'I'm an addict Character", which was the ultimate surrender and admission, 'I'm not in charge here guys, I am an Addict, some things are out of my ability to manage', like this one, so just leave me Alone.

SO, when now I see someone smoking Pot, rolling, posting on Facebook how they would like to get stoned I am not in fact reacting to the smoking pot idea, I am reacting to myself, to the door left ajar that makes me feel always on the edge of a precipice and then I busy myself to never get close to the edge, instead of shutting the fucking door once and for All and not leave the option for me to take, because I have designed myself to be irresponsible and with plenty Characters to justify my actions as if they were not in fact my choices and decisions, of energy/experience over Life as Breath, when under pressure the chances I will take it are high, that's why I left it ajar! Avoiding the situation where pot goes around is not enough, it must be an absolute self commitment to no longer give in to the desire to not be Here and go off somewhere else in my mind, because the leaving the door ajar is in itself a decision, it is the decision to allow myself to fall, just once, just for the sake of 'living' that feeling again, of carelessness, the imaginary Lightness of Being, as the decision is made in the small things, in the one that seem unimportant as I look at myself and see I have given up Pot, yet I see the door ajar as well, so how is it going to be ?

Because I make no mistake now about it, I know that I am the One that Decides.

Self forgiveness and self Commitment statements to Follow tomorrow

Day 59: A Wedding, an Addiction and Other Crimes Against Life

On My wedding day we were just 12, yet there was a lot of commotion.

We did not get married in Church being both non Catholics, we had a Civil Wedding at the Royal Villa in Milan, this is actually a real picture of the Gardens of this Villa that is now called City Hall, as if it belonged to the City since the Citizens pay for its maintenance, instead we are allowed in just once (or more) in our Life, when we get married. I actually had pictures of myself and my husband taken on this bridge just after the wedding, in the exact same Sepia Colour.

I had them, because like everything I did in my life, when I walked away from it, I tried desperately to not keep any picture, to let everything go, and I identified more or less everything in and as my life with pictures.

Little did I know at the time that pictures end up embedded as memories in our Flesh, into the very fabric of who we are, "What the Bleep" talked blandly about it, then when I met Desteni finally I started to understand how and why everything seemed burnt into me and why I perceived myself as scarred for and by Life, first by my Family Life and then by my Marriage.

Many other relationships with men came and went, I did not allow any of them to scar me as much as my marriage did, not my husband Fault, this is very clear now, just all my doing, in my movement that started from a fucked up beginning that run all throughout my marriage.

After the wedding we left and moved to Singapore, we left the day after, I had to pack all my stuff which at the time came up to just less than 20 boxes, sold my car, had 17 days from the beginning of January to make it all happen,

At the time I had a severe Pot addiction, I knew I was supposed to pack but every day I would get up and smoke myself silly, I was anxious about leaving Italy with a man I barely knew that I met on a business trip in Las Vegas one year before the day of my marriage and that I had seen on weekends only and on one week of holiday that we spent together, and I couldn't handle the pressure, so smoking was my only way to assist myself to get 'apparent' breaks from my extensive backchats about my fears and how I feared he would leave me for another woman when he would realize I was just a fuck up with a bad pot addiction. 

I had not hidden this from him, just the extent of my addiction, when he was around during the weekends I would control myself, when he arrived in Italy one day before the wedding and saw I had almost packed nothing he told me 'it doesn't matter, we do it together' which meant he almost packed everything for me and told me 'you'll give up your addiction in Singapore, simply because there is the death penalty there and we won't risk ever to just have a smoke, right?' which was another huge point of anxiety for me, I would HAVE to give up Pot, imagine that, I had lived until then trying to reconcile that this was WHO I was, an addict, better accept this and design my life around this addiction that I would just never give up.

So my marriage started on guilt and shame, I got pregnant from the "one night stand" we spent together in Las Vegas and aborted, because I did not have money to support a kid if I had to leave my job, I didn't even think about it twice, it was obvious, my ex husband who had got in touch again after the one night stand and to whom I told I was pregnant but would not keep it, after we had seen each other for a few weeks in a row, told me 'we'll keep the next one' and hugged me all night when he came to visit just after the surgery. It was my second, the second was easier, it's amazing how we get used to everything and accept that our lives are choices that we have to make within our limited resources, I live you die, or we both die.

Basically he embodied everything I wanted in a man, he was good looking, tall, intelligent, kind, we had great interesting conversations and a future ahead of him, he would surely grow in his position at work and I could tag along.

The things that were not right was all the backchat that manifested from when he asked me to marry him, then the Marriage Holy Ghost possessed me, everything he did I compared to movies, I got no ring, no going on his knees he did not say he couldn't live without me, in fact he said that it would be 'most practical, that his boss told him it would be easier if we were married' which of course led to me holding this one point against him forever, believing that he did not want me, he was just being practical, and on this I built a castle of bitterness and anguish with which I abused myself and him, seeking that certainty that in fact he did want me and loved me and he had not married me just to get me to Singapore, because I had told him, Icannot leave everything just for a fling, so marriage was the collateral that was put up for my Life, and I accepted it.

When we exchanged vows we were asked if we wanted common property of assets, at the time we did not have much assets, I had a tiny apartment in Milan, my husband waited for me to decide since I was the only asset owner among us and I said YES, he saw this as a gesture of good will, I saw this as an investment into sharing what he would make in the future.

On my wedding day my father reappeared from nowhere, he lived the flower child life unsuccessfully and when he aged he ended up going to work for his ex flower child friends who now all run successful businesses. His appearance created tension, my grandfather lost his chance to take me to the 'Altar', my mother got to review her lost chances at marriage in memory lane and cried throughout the wedding, my mother in law cried as she felt lonely, her ex husband not being there because my husband invited him too late. My grandmother pushed my mother out of the way to sit next to us at the wedding table, my mother sat sad and grieving throughout the lunch.

We had lunch at the Brazilian restaurant and ordered cahipirinas for everyone, a spirit mixed with sugar and lime, instead of wine, this is how we got to take a breath in all the emotional turmoil, when everyone was finally drunk, we started 'having fun', or better we started no longer giving a fuck about anyone else and whatever it was that was eating them all, and as the spirit grew in theirs and our blood, so our Spirits rose, from the Graves to the Stars, finally, all able to embody the lie that our lives have become, the Happy relatives at the Happy Happy Wedding Day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not good enough for my husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because my marriage was born out of a cndition that I had set, that I would not go to Singapore just for a 'fling' pushing my husband to propose, or so I believed, and for this judgement of myself I spent my marriage looking for clues that he did in fact not want me and that he just married me because 'I manipulated him into it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my ex husband did not want me and I maniuplated him into marriage when in fact each one of us is responsible for what we do and my manipulation doesn't affect him but myself as I end up in guilt, shame, remourse and then self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting andd allowing myself to hold myself hostage to my own self judgement of how I have manipulated others instead of seeing I have only and always manipulated myself only and created more separation inside myself while I created layers of screen to not face my own self judgements because at least I judged myself which allowed me to feel right and righteous

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself so I would get to feel right and righteous and more than others that were wrong and less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I had a pot addiction the extent of which I kept hidden in fear that I would lose value in his eyes, because I had already lost value in my own eyes for living the life of an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for having lived the life of an addict and for defining myself as an addict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my husband came to Milan and found out I had packed fuck all because I was too busy smoking myself silly so I would not have to face all the fears I felt regarding moving abroad and getting married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear marriage, getting married and my wedding day and for leaving behind all my pictures hoping that I could delete what happened without taking responsibility for my participation within and as it and the outflow and consequences I had to live due to my participation in and as The MIND

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that because my husband saw me like that, overtaken by my addiction, he had lost respect for me and I walked into my marriage feeling that I had a debt and was flawed and I was not of Equal value to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress shame and guilt for my inability to walk away from Pot to start a new life, even when I had an opportunity because by then I had made Pot my God and I  feared living without it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel numb when I aborted for the second time, not devastated like the first time, because I saw myself has having failed and having embraced the Money system so completely that it had become who I was and all my decision were based on money and my ability to support myself and a child did not fit into the picture at any time in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself up to the Money system in fear for my survival and what I would not be able to do to make money if I had children at 23 and then 29, when my life had finally just settled into some sort of financial stability that I could not give up because I feared for my future within this world and how I would face life with children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my abortions as if I were bad and unworthy because the Catholics condemned abortion, instead of seeing that it is the world we live in that is a crime against Humanity and Life and that I just accepted it and allowed it by admitting that my survival was more important than the survival of anyone else and that I would do anything to secure my position within the system to be able to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the sadness of my abortions because I judged myself as the fault and the cause for them and since I was the cause I had given up my right to grieve and see that I was just scared and that I have to stop judging myself for what I have done to survive and instead stand as the Solution so other women won't have to base their choices in life on surviving but on Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when my mum came to pick me up at the first abortion and she brought me flowers as it is customary for surgeries, and I saw all the other girls there alone and no one knew they were there and their mothers would have never supported them and I felt guilty for having the support of my mother who had to make the same choice before me for the same reasons as me, because the system is so fucked up that support is not there for women unless they work to support themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the flowers my mum brought to me to a celebration and for feeling guilty and shameful associating flowers and celebration to an event like an abortion for which I was required to be sad and grieving and remorseful instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my first abortion as something that it should never be spoken about ever again, because I had not forgiven myself for my own self judgement of myself as being a careless slut and how could have that happened to someone like me who was on the pill since I was 17, preaching that abortion is just a sign of careless stupidity until I had to face mine and had to feel carelessly stupid through my own judgement of others as myself, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not worthy to bring a child into this world because I was too fucked up and I would have passed it on to my child, like my grandma did to my mother and then she did to me and I was not good enough to procreate because I saw myself as useless and unworthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my husband to be hugged me all night after my abortion, because inside of me I believed I did not deserve it, that I was BAD and that there was no redemption for me having made the same miss-take twice, just for a fuck and look where it led

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in debt toward my husband to be because he had been so understanding and nice through that post abortion time and he called me every night and I feared losing him so much that after my marriage I did everything in my power to lose him but I just embittered him and he would not leave me until I had to leave, leaving behind grief and sorrow, hoping it would not catch up with me and that he would handle it because he was better than me at handling 'emotions' (or suppressing them) and I could just move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store and suppress so much grief inside of me regarding my marriage and everything that I did wrong that when I saw Andrea's pictures I felt like crying as all this stuff bubbled up inside of me again, instead I suppressed it down again and kept walking to give myself some more time before unraveling Me, the wedding and my abortions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my wedding day in a state of constant tension, looking forward to smoking Pot and drinking the next cahipirinha, so I could keep everything suppressed and under control and not have to see my mother crying and my grandfather sad, and my mother in law lonely and face that I was witnessing the microcosm of Humanity in a room, where all the pettiness and the grievances of a lifetime where exposed and raw and what really goes on inside each one of us was there for everyone to see and could no longer be hidden but by alcohol or drugs, legal or illegal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately arrange spirit drinks for everyone, so they too would suppress everything that was going on and we could spend a fake quiet happy day, pretending that all was fine and the future in front of us was bright and that we were living the perfect fairy tale wedding day, on our way to our honeymoon and Happily Ever After

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sign for joint ownership of assets as an investment in my future, investing in my husband future life and his future assets so I would be guaranteed a survival within the system, because I felt like a fraud and I feared the day I would be called out for what I was, my survival would no longer be certain and I would not probably make it in the world by myself and it was better to have a man next to me to 'support' me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be supported both emotionally and financially because then I would not have to participate in this world of fights and struggles and face the system as myself, but I would be someone else's responsibility and I could just drift through life unscathed by this system of self interest and survival, while I was my own system of self interest and survival inside the walls of my own home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not communicate to my husband what was going on with me and for keeping up the suppression game that increased my back chats and made me feel dishonest within my relationship for what I projected on him about me and how I felt because I did not know how to take responsibility for myself and how to correct myself until I met Desteni and applied the tools they taught me and within this I stop all judgements for who I have been and what I did and think, understanding that now is just a matter to walk backwards, own up to the life I have lived and correct my relationships of thoughts words and deeds back into alignment with what is best for Life as What is Best for All, which is what is best for me as in stopping the self abuse of me as judgements and recriminations about what would have been if I were different, as I walk  the manifested consequences of what I laid out for myself and breathe until all of me stands corrected in alignment with Life and What is best for All

I commit myself to dig into this relationship until I feel clear that when my ex husband name is spoken I have no movements and no reactions and I stand clear as one relationship that has finally aligned to what is best for me and what is best for All, as Life, One and Equal.

Day 54: For the Love of Money

The point of Money exists in and as each one of us. Money is not something 'happening out there', Money is happening in here, it's What and Who We have Become.

When I was growing up I slowly bought into the ideas and beliefs that everything has a price, if you keep going on that slippery slope of thoughts soon or later you'll reach the Terminal, the place where all Money and Price Tags converge = Life and from there Life too goes on Sale.

My Family was Money schizophrenic, half of it, my grandparents, had it and pretended to not care about it, which is quite easy to do when you Have It, the other half, my mother, never had enough and did not make a mystery of fearing lacking Money.

Funny to see now that I appreciated more my grandparents because they Seemed not attached to Money, something that is vulgar and preached against, only now I can see that all those that preach against Money attachments and talking about it as a "vulgar thing", have it and pile it up in truckloads.

Yet the reason why I preferred my grandparents fake approach to The Money Truth was because I did not like The Fear of Lack of Money, which is something that my mum had and that I have absorbed in absolution, absolving myself for having imprinted myself with the fear of Lack of Money of my Mother and the poorly disguised Love of Money of my grandparents.

Yet, fear of the Lack of Money will manifest lack of Money as all fears do manifest soon or later, which is why and how we busy ourselves into The Money Making machine, as The System, so as to never be overcome by this fear, because no matter how much we like to deny it, WE ALL KNOW THAT WITHOUT MONEY WE DIE, so Money is no longer a treat, it is a threat to our very own survival.

Since I have built up an elegant personality for myself in the footsteps of my grandmother, wishing to inherit her fake disinterest about Money and everything related to it, while spending her life accumulating and judging others who were doing just that, not for doing it, but for not having the decency to Hide it, I have embodied the Money carelessness that allowed me to throw away quite a substantial amount in my sabbatical 4 years during which I believed I would have been able to just manifest it, if I had followed through with Abrahams Hicks teaching on the Law Of Attraction, which I can say from having lived the positive thinker polarity to a T, it's just pure Crap.

First because the teachings are addressed to people who are more or less already positioned within the world system in places where they can in fact Make Money, and not manifest it out of thin air, second because if the teachings were true, they would not need to charge for seminars but would instead just have money pile up in the drawer as a result of their positive focus and desire, yet they charge, because like the Catholics, They Teach Us that Money is Not Important and it will ultimately flow and to just accept where we are, while they do everything they can to actively pile it up, through property ownership and investments that exclude nothing, even the porn business because let's face it, it's lucrative, and the more sinful and hidden sex is made through their teachings the more distorted and perverted forms of sexuality will be born out of it that they can capitalize on, the perfect investment in fact being in charge of the creation of the need and of the satisfaction of the same, under one big corporation.

So, Money, who am I within Money ?

I am a pawn, moved around by Money in fear for my Life, fearing that if I do not have enough I won't make it, always scheming and seeing where and how I can charge for my own survival, is this world the place we want to see, or don't we want to see the extent of the ugliness we have reached in and as the Money System of this world, where "Mors Tua Vita Mea", as the Romans said, "Your Death is My Life", and how can we be surprised if we take this inward reality and project it into our world, where the Death of Whole Nations signify the Life of some and we can't even look in Self Honesty at the length we would be willing to go to make our survival sure and safe, no Matter how many Have to Die for One to Live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with ideas and beliefs about Money and the worth of everything on the Planet in Monetary/Currency terms

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the copy of my mother's fear of Lack of Money and My Grandmother's hidden Love of Money, just into a combination of the best of the two world to turn myself into The Hidden Fear of Lack of Money and the Hidden Love of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, for many years, not want to face the Money point of this world and the fact that if Money was everything to everyone in my world, Money was everything to me as well, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Death due to lack of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being Homeless and Hungry due to Lack of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sickness and accidents within a frame of Lacking the Money to take care of myself and for hiding this to the point that I refused to have a health insurance that would force me to look at the point that even Health and Living is subject to Money or I would have had to stand and no longer accept such a world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and say that what I had was mine and the ones that did not have they must have deserved it through some debts that they were paying from another Life or their own unwillingness of becoming slaves to the system like myself and for believing They should not be supported or we would be breeding laziness, spewing out judgements and sentences that I have taken on from this system that educated me into the perfect proud slave that pulled her weight through working and paying taxes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more valuable when I had Money than when I had none proving to myself that my real Worth was measured by and through the Money System in separation from Self as self value and Self worth, that I would have to recognize to everyone Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the highs that I felt when I held Money or Credit Cards in my hands, under-standing the Power of Money as something Greater than Myself in separation from myself as Life as everything that exists, Money included

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel value when spending Money because I accepted and allowed myself to be imprinted with desires against which I could measure my worth/value within the Money System, believing and accepting that my value and worth were measured in and as me as the consumer of this consumeristic system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because in my deprogramming I no longer feel the high of purchasing as my value of and as a consumer and I fear no longer having points of value outside of myself I can reach for, instead of seeing it was due to my original mis-placement of value and worth of myself that I sought value outside of me within the belief I was worthless unless I could buy my worth and Life through and within the Monetary/Currency System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the perfect consumer of myself and Life, One and Equal, in my search for Value and Worth outside of myself, having abdicated my self to the Money System so absolutely that my life was lived as a Money Seeker within the need and addiction of accumulating value and worth for myself from which I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from believing that Money is the value and Worth of Life and not that Life doesn't need any Value because Life Is The Value/Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify this Monetary system that is consuming Life and the World, just because it worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face how much Money has become a part of who I am and what I have lived for, in fear that I will never be able to disentangle myself absolutely from my 'Money Investments' in which I exchanged myself as Life, as substance, for the illusory Power of Money as Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a Price Tag/Money Tag on everything in this existence and according to the Price/Value Tag give it more or less value, instead of seeing that it was my own existence in and as separation from Life and everything that exists and my acceptances and allowances of the belief that Money/Price Tags can define the value of things that led me to believe that Life is Worthless and that Money has more Value and Worth than Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which Life is on Sale and can be bought in One Piece or in pieces as body parts that People are now selling to but themselves the Right to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from people who were obviously attached to Money as I feared being associated with them and having to face my own Fear of Survival that was the underlining current/currency that kept the Money System alive in and as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one must make 'a living' accepting a system in which Life is not the only and absolute Worth and Value and The capital of existence, but where One's Right to Life must be bought, because I have not stood up to state that this is simply unacceptable until it worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the Shame that I felt and lived One and Equal to when I saw that if this system was still supporting me I would possibly continue to abuse, uncaring about the conditions of others as long as it worked for me and that I had to lose everything before I would consider that nothing infact has value but Life and that I could only see this from my position of no longer fearing losing something of who I have been and what I believed I had, because I was too self centered to consider others and what living as Equals would mean until the system worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to live in an alternate reality of the Mind in which I could pretend that I was not part of the problem because I was never one of the Elite, instead of seeing that this world system is built on each one of us as bricks that keep it in place and that it is essential that each brick plays its part in no longer supporting a system of abuse and inequalities that commits atrocities and crimes against Life in the Consumerist Ride we have taken with no fail safes to show us when enough was enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my friends may say 'you are taking this position just because the system is no longer working for you', instead of seeing I feared myself saying this about myself because I had not yet for-given myself my previous stance as a Slave and a system cog so I could stand up shame-less for and as this Change inward and outward

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my Money personalities, through which I have always believed I could assure my survival in Life, I stop, Breathe, bring myself back Here, remind myself I am disengaging from the Money System as a Slave to reengage the Money System as Me, One and Equal, so I may change the Money System to Oneness and Equality as and while I realign myself to Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself backchatting myself or about to backchat myself regarding what I did and who I have been in the past regarding Money, I Stop, Breathe, remind myself that I cannot be defined by my Past unless I accept it and allow it and that I am in fact redefining myself Here, in every moment of Breath to realign and walk my Self as self correction into Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my self judgements about Money and how I have related to it in the past and instead redefine myself and my relationship in and as Money to align myself and the Money System, Equal and One, to What is Best for All as Life as One and Equal to everything that exists.

I commit myself to stop my judgements of others about Money and how they relate to it because that is both a cause of separation and a lack of self responsibility in accepting that I would be no different in a position of privilege as I have been no different in a position of privilege, instead I stand in and as The Solution for a World that is Best for All, as Life as One and Equal