Day 135: The Good Master - Character

For 17 years that I lived abroad, someone has always taken care of me one way or another, either working part time for me or full time, so coming back to Italy and to the 'business' of taking care of myself is something that I have done but not enjoyed, I see taking care of myself as a drag, someone else should take care of me, I don't mind paying for that, I mind caring for myself.

Recently I have gone back to feeding myself properly, which is time consuming as I have to prepare all the food I eat fresh, wash the veggies and cook every day, I realize this is something I don't enjoy in my mind but not in the physical, because when I do it it's just like anything else, it is only my judgement of not being doing anything worthwhile that stands in the way of enjoying myself. I have allowed as well my idea of 'process' to stand in the way to enjoying myself as I have polarized process to something 'unpleasant' because I swung to the polarity of what I did before, which was nothing at all apart from smoking Pot and accumulating useless knowledge and information that I did not live out in the Physical and yet I defined as 'pleasant' by the world standards idea that since I was Not Working I had it sweet by comparison, and therefore I was living an idyllic life as one of the Lucky Ones that Deserved it, on a tropical island in Thailand.

It is interesting to see that I live a Life that is just made out of ideas and beliefs and definitions, because in self honesty my Life has taken a Quantum Leap in Self Worth, as I moved from the worthless pointless Life of self interest to widening my horizons to include Humanity as a whole and the need to stand to Change myself to change this system of abuse that I was too oblivious to even recognize before I actually started this Process of Self Correction.

Another Point is that I have first engaged and then suppressed thoughts about how I have regressed, as I had accepted and allowed myself to invest my sense of self worth into my 'life achievements' that included not having to care for myself, as in having a helper doing for me the menial tasks that living in this world requires, such as making my bed, ironing, cooking etc.

I still live out this sense of regression as loss of worth due to having to care for myself as I had dreams and hopes that I built around what a perfect Life was supposed to be, which included slaves to attend to my needs and desires that I would keep like a Good Master, attending to their well being and care, not as an Equal because Slaves are Not equals, but as a Good Master, the best Master, to the point that they would want to work for me for free. I actually achieved that, but now when my ex helper calls me with her own money for a chat and to tell me the latest news about Hong Kong, I am overwhelmed with a sense of unfairness for having taken other people's lives to serve me and for having manipulated them to such a degree that my Greatness as a Master would not allow them to forget me ever, as they would compare me to their new employers who would always fail the comparison game as they are not motivated by my same blinding desire to enslave with wisdom and kindness as the ultimate sneakiest invisible shackle to bend others' lives to my whims and desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserved more than others and that someone should give up their life for me because I was special and entitled to be served

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking care of myself as a drag that should be the duty of someone else and not mine as I was born to do much more important things with my life while others were born just to slave and take care of me and my desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a genie in a bottle that would come out and say 'your wish is my command' because I was Good and Special and deserved a genie of my own as my Reward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the devotion of my staff and for going to unbelievable length to enslave them to me through fake benevolence that was just a trap I set out for them to become tied to me for Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the fact that I no longer have slaves at my service which means that I am no longer special and deserving of a genie of my own

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my Ex Helper calls me to chat using her own money, because I judge this as the ultimate act of self sacrifice a person with no money makes to hang on to the shackles that I have designed and made her wear to please me as the Good Master

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some were more worthy than others in this world and that WHO was more worthy was defined by how much money we managed to make to be able to get what we wanted in comparison to those that could not get what they wanted, because they did not deserve it by the Grace of God

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for belief system that justified WHY some deserved more than others, such as Law Of Attraction and for then selectively teach the system but not to the ones that were below me as my staff in case they would become rich, up and move on, and leave me without my privileged life with slaves at my service

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as Evil because I took advantage of my position in Life, instead of realizing we are All equally Evil because as soon as we have some money we enslave another, like my ex helper does with the family she herself supports and enslaves through Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see to what extent and how this world revolves around Money and the power it gives to some over the lives of others which is why the point of the Equal Money System is addresses within Desteni as a way to STOP the Slavery we are subjected to and subject others to, through Money as Power over other's Lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a Good Master so I would not have to feel guilty over the fact that there cannot ever be a Good Master, because attempting to be the Master of someone else's Life using Money as a Tool for enslavement is Evil as a point of Not giving to another what I would like to receive as an Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because someone around me is a Happy Slave I no longer have the responsibility to Equalize myself as it is them wanting to play that role and I am just providing better than others would do in my same place, which makes me better than other Masters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest my self worth into a system where abusing another is necessary to be someone and for justifying taking the life of another to be at my service as something good that I am doing because without me they would starve, instead of addressing the point of WHY there are people who starve on this planet unless they enslave themselves to someone for Money, and standing up to correct this point within myself as my own desire to have and own Slaves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself as a bad person for the life I have lived in relation to managing people and their lives, instead of seeing that Equality means that I have to take my own responsibility for my desires to Master other people's lives and they have to Equally take their responsibility for accepting and allowing their own enslavement as Equality means equal responsibility for our mutual creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take all the blame as that keeps me in a position of MasterHood, while others are not allowed to take responsibility because their self responsibility would disempower me from being in charge of their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel indebted to my ex helper as I judge myself as the One that created an image of the Perfect master that she can't shake off now, instead of letting her go for good within my self created Master/Slave relationship within my mind and release her from my Good Master Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have regressed and I am diminished because I no longer own slaves, nor in the workplace or at home and that since I bought into the belief that Life is judged by what we accumulate and the position we can secure for ourselves, I have accepted and allowed my own diminishment through my own definitions and con-victions of what a Successful Life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that in enslaving another I am enslaving myself to my own creation of enslavement and that I have just played out my Anuness with my idea of self righteousness because really, without me others would not have been able to take care of themselves and survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others my sense of being powerless so I would not have to face my own experience of myself as powerless and useless within existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are Good Masters and Bad Masters and since I was one of the good Ones, providing proper accommodation and good Money I was better than the bad Masters who kept their helpers like dogs and had to be told what a proper accommodation is' and that a bathtub or the kitchen floor doesn't in fact qualify as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the master of someone as I feared that I was not the Master of myself, believing that if I could manage someone else's Life I could let go of this feeling of being powerless and useless, instead of addressing my own feelings of inadequacy and how I experienced myself so I could stop the enslavement of myself and others within existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my life was more worthy than others' who were paid/rewarded with less Money as a Wage, because I believed that we are in fact defined by how much Money we earn and what is our Market Value, instead of seeing and realizing that embracing such beliefs means I am for sale and my life is for Sale, which means I am a Slave to this existence and the Master of Nobody, not even myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'taking care of myself is a drag', when in fact it's just an idea I have embraced within my desire to not take care of myself and be a responsible human being and that nothing I do within the physical ever proves to be a drag when I step out of myself as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Process with something unpleasant as the polarity of the 'imaginary Pleasant Life' I lived for 4 years on a tropical Island, conveniently forgetting the truth of my 4 years in which I battled with a pot addiction and a lack of sense within my life and this physical experience and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from process, as if it was not just Me walking a Path of self correction, but a task, like 'taking care of myself', something I project into the Doing realm and not into the Beingness of Me, coming back to myself from the million little pieces I broke myself into through self judgement, guilt and shame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in the way of me becoming the Master of me as I get lost within my mind and my own Self Definition of what worth is in separation from myself as Self Worth and Self Value Here in every moment of Breath.

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Day 93: The Addict Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as The 'Addict' Character, failing to see that anything I define myself as, I become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the reason why I defined myself as The Addict Character was that so I could go on smoking pot whenever I wanted or relapse whenever I wanted because as an Addict it was beyond my control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I finally moved myself from the 'I like this lifestyle' Character to the I am an "Addict' Character, I was being honest as I was admitting my inability to step out of the Smoking Pot Character, instead of realizing I was just giving myself 'carte blanche' to go on smoking and fucking up my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the only reason why I may want to leave the door ajar into my I am an Addict Character, is because I have a secret plan to relapse, when and if I get a chance, because I believed that I cannot throw away 30 years of 'my History' as the definition of who I chose to be for 30 years, no matter how shitty that Character was to embody, it's still 'part of me' and I resist parting from it and within this I forgive myself for resisting parting from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately manipulate my memories of me as The Addict Character, leaving out all the unpleasant bits and the ginormous consequences I lived out so I could continue playing the demented Addict, instead of filing the real story of what playing this Character has costed me because I am too ashamed of looking back and seeing the amount of self abuse I have inflicted on myself and others playing this Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for having embodied the Addict Character and the 'I like this Lifestyle' Character and for the abuse I have inflicted on myself and others within the self interest of wanting to have the Addict experience, no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to The Addict Character as a way to remind myself that I became an Addict because there were troubles at home, so I could hold on to my Abused Child Character and maintain the friction with my family going to generate Energy for myself and believe that I was right and justified in my life choice as an Addict, justifying my life of self abuse and of abuse of others by blaming my childhood as the cause of my suppressions and then justifying the self medication I took as Pot, because I had to create a dis-ease in my mind to justify why I needed to self medicate, instead of stepping out of both the Character of the Abused Child and the Self Medicating Addict Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am defined by the shame of my Life of Self Abuse and that at the most I can suppress it and keep it at bay by no longer smoking, even though I left the door to go back to my Character ajar, because One never knows, while I know at all times what I am doing and why and it is just a Matter of becoming Self Honest to step out of this Character for Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking a joint is an option I don't want to dismiss for good, because what if one day 'I'm just feeling too compressed and suppressed and I have given up my 'medicine for good' and what could be my saving grace I won't have access to, instead of seeing that Pot was never my saving grace but my living disgrace as I pushed myself lower and lower in the pit of self pity and addiction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going back to work because, having left the door of Pot smoking ajar, in case of stress, and having connected work to stress within my mind as something that will come up for sure, once I will move into the belief that I am too stressed out, from that plateau I will automatically seek for my 'I am too stressed out' medicine, instead of realizing that I was too stressed out in the Past because I did not have the tools of writing myself out and stopping my own self abuse through thoughts/feelings and emotions, but now The Past is Over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of this Character, because I have embodied it for so long that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it was me, as Who I Really Am, and not just a Character that I played out as a way to not take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dupe myself with the stories about my bravery to admit that, yes I was in fact An Addict, failing to see I was not being brave, I was just laying out my justifications of why I would never give it up so I could smoke to my heart content having admitted that, yes I am flawed and I don't give a fuck about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was/am flawed and there is nothing I can do about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that as I wished to not have responsibility for my actions, at the same time I abdicated my power to change, because power is where self responsibility is, and that if in the past I doubted myself to be able to change is because I had not in fact taken self responsibility, but admitted my powerlessness through the acceptance of the Character I Am an 'Addict' and lived it out as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to images of people smoking a joint, the blue Rizla pack and logo, movies in which the pot smokers seem happy and relaxed, posts on Facebook about getting high, and for then suppressing all the reactions because I don't want to face the point of looking at them, seeing that is all Fear and investigating, what am I afraid of, just to see that I fear the door ajar that I left behind me as my future opportunity to step back in Character as The Addict and do myself in for good this time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself on the Pot Point, because of all the times that I told myself - and others- that I was going to quit and then I didn't, instead of seeing I failed because I planned to fail through leaving the door ajar back to the Addict Character, which is the reason for the fears I have felt and suppressed now, and that I can decide to just shut that door for good and move on, because I Am the One that Decides

I commit myself to stop any judgement I have about Pot, as my enemy, and accept that chances to go back to smoking Pot are everywhere and I cannot avoid seeing when a Pot deal is taking place because I have trained myself for it, but I can commit myself to closing the Addict Door for good as that will make anything I see irrelevant as I have made my Decision as the Self Directive principle of me to never return to that Character, the Past is Over

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself react or about to react and be tempted to either look away from the points I have identified as my triggers, such as the Rizla blue pack, the Rizla logo, the image of a joint or of grass, happy potheads in movies and in other circumstances, to simply remind myself that I no longer want to embody The Addict Character, Breathe, bring myself back Here and stand as The Self Directive principle of Myself until any urge or desire to suppress is gone as I have breathed myself through and out of my reactions

I commit myself to stop the nostalgic bullshit of Times Gone By, as they were never good times as they are portrayed by my mind when The Addict file comes to my attention in pictures flashes to activate me as The Addict, and that I am still walking the consequences of having embodied this Character for far too long to the detriment of my health and my life while I did everything possible to not be Here and face myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I commit myself to stop all judgement of me as The Addict Character, as I see realize and understand that any judgement is a point of separation, a point that I do not want to own of my Life and take responsibility for, yet it is me and I forgive myself for the Life I lived as an Addict and for believing The Addict Character to be me as Who I Really Am

I commit myself to shut the door to the Addict Character for good as I see realize and understand that what I feared was my Lack of a Decision that I could walk, never turning back, and so I stand here committed to myself and my decision to never engaging The Abusive Addict Character Again, for myself as What  is Best for All, as Life and All of Existence Equal and One