Day 289: Correcting triggers in communication

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked for my idea, opinion, suggestion and I offer one/some, to go into a reaction when my idea/opinion/suggestion is voted down for a few times as if that defined my idea/opinion/suggestion as worthless and as such 'me' as worthless - not good enough.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when what I offer in terms of ideas, opinions/ suggestions is not valued, considered as I have connected what my mind generates as characters and personality as valuable and as a measure of who I am and what my value/worth is

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with my ex h. specifically, react to the rejection of my ideas/opinions and suggestions as I take the rejections personally, as if there was something wrong with me for being unable to come up with the 'right' idea/ suggestion/opinion that can be valued and appreciated as I have connected what I come up with as Ideas/opinions/suggestions to who I really am and not just a product of my Mind as Characters/personality and as such - of no value

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I allow myself to be triggered into this specific well plaid out pattern, to bring up all the past times in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed off to prove that 'see, is is not me being unreasonable, it's HIM, he always does that to annoy me - and why the fuck does he even ask then - why can't he debate himself instead of seeking for reasons to debate 'me'?"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with the Nth time pattern play out, to scan my memory for reasons to prove I am right and he is wrong, because I was going about my day without any reaction and THEN he came along and started this BS playout of asking me something just so he can say 'no, because', instead of seeing and realizing I am just reacting because I have layered and accumulated energy regarding this point and now as soon as the pattern starts I allow myself to board the not-so-merry go round to the end, until I can blame Him for how I feel about playing something out over and over again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I see this pattern starting and having accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't stop it, simply because I AM RIGHT, to not stop and just tell myself I am no longer participating in this pattern and use breath to defuse the energy build up that comes up as a result of having played the same game over and over again instead of allowing myself to go with the flow because I can always excuse myself that 'I was not the one who started this' and as such I carry no responsibility for my participation - which is just an excuse to not stop participating because there is a pay back with making my ex h. wrong and myself right - which is the energy ride I get to experience, no matter if it feels good or bad, it's still better that not feeling anything at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex h. for how repulsed I am at the idea of another relationship, making him responsible for my repulsion/revulsion vs looking at why I have created this veil of disgust toward relationship as a way to not face my fear of failure in relationship and myself as the problem within relationship, the one who has something wrong, a crazy slant for which I fear entering relationships in case I get all worked up all over again and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is something wrong/bad with me for how I have handled myself so far within relationships, instead of seeing and realizing I have never even been here, but just acting out characters and personalities that do not define who I am, unless I accept and allow this to be so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to bury vast amounts of rage regarding my ex h. in separation from myself, not wanting to own up to them because I believed I couldn't, because I perceived him many times as better than me, calmer than me, handled points in a wiser manner than me, and since I was not therefore entitled to this anger against him, I just disowned it and used it as a lid to cover up the other stuff that lays as the fuel of my behavior within our relationship - and within this for holding on to rage for who I have been and what I accepted and allowed myself to become within my relationships with partners as a replica of what I witnessed and internalized within my family

to be continued

Related articles

• Day 246 - Being Here for Me
• Day 279: I Can't Hear You because I insist on Being Me
• Day 221 - Resistance in Facing this Relationship Point

Day 288: Looking at Taking Things Personally

Today I spoke to my ex h., he asked if he can stay at my place for Easter because one of his aunts died and he is coming to see the family.

I said 'of curse course, you are always welcome' - and of course I didn't mean it.

I wish I did, I wish I was that kind of woman that would really say 'you are welcome' and mean it, specifically to him because as we say 'much water has gone under the bridge' and yet obviously - not enough.

Anyway, there is a specific reason I am clear about regarding why I felt I was not happy to see him and I may work on it in private, but what I want to write about today is this trigger that still works between us.

It goes like this

he asks for my advice or an idea or what food we should eat - and I make a suggestion, and he then goes on to say 'NO' and explain why my suggestion is wrong.

I had almost forgotten about this because I wrote a lot of SF on my relationship, but today as I did not see the trigger coming s I basked in the delusion that I was done with our misunderstandings, he asked me an idea about a business, I gave one, he proceeded on our usual track to explain why it was NOT a good idea, I explained the whole sides of it, which he proceeded to debate and THEN, an the tenth 'NO' I saw the trigger but it was too late, because I was already reacting with the usual 'why the fuck ask me then - if you have an answer why not go with your answer instead of using me to bounce off how clever you are to see all the whys what I said will not work', this was just backchat, not shared, but from there I saw myself move into the Ironic Character, and I had to repeatedly stop myself and delete all the jokes I wrote because they were not humorous, they were 'gotcha' jokes - my way of evening out the ledger.

When we do "ideas" the trigger is not too strong - I was once given a key about him from a girlfriend that worked with NLP, she told me he is a "faulfinder by profession" and he doesn't mean anything PERSONALLY. So it is about taking something personally again, feeling diminished because my idea and hence myself was not good enough.

It gets worse with restaurants, because I have a belief that if you ask, you must sincerely not know what you want to eat, so why it only becomes clear that you don't want to eat Chinese, Japanese, Turkish, Indian, Italian - just after I say it, this is harder to believe, so I always interpret this point as the 'desire to pick a fight', today we treaded lightly the food point and I was vague because I had seen myself wearing my little fuchsia battle helmet for 'rejected ideas' and I was not stable enough to walk the food trigger.

As well there is a deep seated anger about relationships that is triggered when we talk but it's deep deep, like a blame I don't even want to admit to myself -that it is because of him that the idea of a relationship is now revolting to me, vs taking responsibility for how I end up feeling within a relationship that made me design this revolting point as a screen to cover up the fear that I may be the problem of relationships and that I should no longer chance one, least I have to face this point once more, and so, blaming him it's all too easy, so easy in fact that I deny doing it and then bury the whole story 6 feet under, never deep enough to not fear it may all raise its ugly head again and so the rage that boils up from all of that, the rage is the dragon I have put to guard that secret, the rage is the the lid, so when I see the rage potential I won't go and dig into what is really going on there and how to dig it all out to self correct.

Tomorrow I will look into this point to clear myself and see if for once I can enjoy this visit and the time we have to spend together.

 
Process Instructions @ Desteni

Related articles

• Day 288: Earth your Energy for Enlightenment
• 128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
• 129 - Part 8: Correcting the Reactions
• Day 347: What can I get out of this?

Day 285: Anger Galore

Odd day.

It started with a phone call that made me angry, the usual lady that makes it her reason to live to try and slip her responsibility for her health on me and everyone else while we are not watching.

In the afternoon my mother, who got annoyed because I told her she was welcome to come and visit but I missed the point of "Easter' and why we had to do something special for it -when we never did. Then she said 'I thought you may be going somewhere' and I said 'how? I'm broke, where can I go?' and then she got angry because I mentioned Money when she now believe I have more than her, meaning I should accept my sacrifices happily and not mention them, because WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE THEM, It's Life.

Then I went to pick up the cable of my printer from a guy that pretended to fix it for 25 euro and turned it into a copier that no longer wants to behave like a printer.

And finally my teenager student came and she had to be dragged for 1.5 hours through her English homeworks while we negotiated every single step 'read aloud' 'I will if you don't make me do exercise 5 and 6" a point we had to negtiate because her school teacher 't forgot to ask them to complete the exercise page, we agreed she could complain about them but would have to do them anyway - she resorted to read half a page like an imbecile - just to spite me.

When she left I was tired.

I watched a day of anger go by and participated in all of the above instances a little more every time as they accumulated, I had to tie myself to the chair to not smack the book on the head of my student, that's how fare I allowed myself to accumulate in a day alone.


There was another event in the middle, I read a post on a site that does nothing but Gossip about what we do, I wrote 5 answers to it and deleted them all because I was aware I was reacting and pretending not to.


So, what can I deduce? I cannot participate in anger at all, it doesn't mater that I do not display it or engage in it outwardly, the inward movement is enough, it's plenty in fact to pile up an energetic trail to a gun powder deposit, I should know this, have had memorable anger outbursts in my life and they all started seemingly innocently, and specifically, they were never my fault :)



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry at A. for trying to do what she does all the time, failing to see it was not a personal movement she had against me, but simply an impersonation of one of her main characters that I took personally and to which I reacted in anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger is real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when reading the troll website commenting on what happened on Quora and for engaging my anger into writing replies meant to knock some sense into his/her head, when in fact this was an excuse to vent my anger instead of stopping myself from reacting as a self directive principle


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I went to pick up my cable to give in to the irritation for not having been given back the original cable as I anticipated that my printer would not work - which it didn't, and within this for moving into disappointment as suppressed anger I did not want to look at, instead of stopping myself, breathing and bringing myself back here in and as breath, back from a day lost in emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I spoke to my mother and I could feel the irritation mounting up regarding Easter as a point of nonsense to reply in Character instead of hearing what she was saying beyond the Easter point, which was to come down and visit and spend some time together, and to justify why I did not want to hear I told her why was she asking 'where was I going for Easter' as she knew I had nowhere else to go, playing the victimization point which I did because I was not here or I could have seen how stepping into that character would have played out to her, being the one who has halved her income to support me and within this, for looking for a reason why I had a right to be angry, such as the point of her underlining that we are all making sacrifices, to look at that point like it was her fault, that I inherited an acceptance of life as sacrifice, which is nothing else but another shift of responsibility, blaming her for the beliefs I have accepted and allowed instead of standing to no longer accept and allow Life as sacrifice for no one, not her, not myself and not anyone else, which is why I stand as One vote for an Equal Money System for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I now feel angry, to compare how much more I used to give in to anger as a way to compliment myself that I am not that bad after all, as to say 'look, I have changed so much' failing to see that I use comparison to my worse self as a justification to why I don't have to stop and why I can't stop because My past of Anger is quite populated with outrageous acts of possession, instead of not using comparison as a justification to why it's OK for me to participate in an energetic reaction, no matter how small it seems as I forget that energy accumulates into those possessions that never came by chance but through my participation in anger one step at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my student arrived and I saw she was moody, to start going into a resistance to her behavior until we went into conflict and instead of stopping myself with breath, try to harm-wrestle my position of power as a teacher and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in a situation of conflict one should always win and that should be me, instead of breathing myself back into stability from where I could look for a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I move into anger, look for reasons why my anger is justified, to look for why I could later claim that 'I didn't start it' when in fact the day ended proving that I do exactly what A. tries to do with me, try to shift on others the responsibility of my behaviour instead of taking responsibility for my participation in anger, no matter how good an excuse I can find to motivate why I am in fact entitled to it.



When and as I see myself approached by people that I interpret and define as moody, angry, irritating, annoying, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand I am looking and them through the filters of some Characters and not as myself as Life beyond judgements born out of memories and opinions and I support myself to breathe to bring myself back to stability until I can see in self honesty I am no longer participating in anger in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself looking into my anger archive to find other 'worse moments of anger' in my files to prove to myself that I am entitled to this 'little movement of anger by comparison', I stop, breathe, do not allow myself to compare my energetic participation of the moment with my previous participation as an excuse and breathe to stop my participation in anger beyond any good reason I have found up to then that proves I am entitled to it

When and as I see myself moving to play back in my mind the 'anger incident' looking for how I can explain why I was entitled to get angry and how I was not 'the one starting it', I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate no matter what I have told myself about 'who started and who carries the fault therefore'

When and as I see myself trying to blame another for my anger, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to shift the blame or attempt to shift the blame on another



I commit myself to consistently stop my participation in anger and my belief that anger is real and one and equal to me and who I really am and to catch myself in the slightest beginning stages of my participation in energetic reactions to learn to effectively stop myself for good, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

Related articles

• 128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
• Day 341: Without a Care in the World
• Day 220 - Me as Anger/Resentment/Resistance in Relationship

Day 274: Scare Tactics are Not Acceptable

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself as a way to make what I did Okay because 'I paid in shame'

So, having a look at this Character I can see other events in which I have done this out of fear of some outcome that I either didn't like or that I wanted to manipulate into a different outcome, let's unravel the Character History

Fear Dimension

'We wanted to talk to you' or 'I wanted to talk to you', spoken either by my mother or my grandparents, this was usually anticipating a long convoluted chat, during which I would be indoctrinated in what I was supposed to Fear, usually fears would relate to Future events, to consequences of me NOT doing what they "saw" was best for me, those words spoken in a specific 'calming' fashion would scare me shitless. 

First because since they had been 'so nice', in theory, there was no reason for me to fear what they were about to say when in fact at some level I knew I was about to sit for a Mind Control session against my will, second because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not in charge of my emotional experience and hence I had to sit and be battered by emotions and feelings as they saw fit to stir, until I would surrender in the grips of an anxiety attack.

My grandparents parading for me the worst possible future outcomes for my life and then saying 'we are saying this for your own good, trust us'

A memory of preparing to sit on the couch for 'one of our talks', fearing the talk, fearing not pleasing them because they were the strongest Money point in my family line, fearing to lose everything of my future if I didn't make myself endure 'that moment' with enough grace

Thought/Memory Dimension

The aftermath of my mother shouting and screaming coming to seek peace and harmony by saying 'please see I say this for your own good'

A memory of myself back in my room angry and anxious and my mother calmed down walking in to explain WHY she behaved that way and how she always had 'my good' at heart, I must remember this

Imagination Dimension

One day I will go away from Italy and I won't have to sit through this crap anymore.

Imagining how free I would feel away from Italy, all the things I could do without this constant brainwashing about fake morality of people who preached well and did not apply it

Imagining how soon the chat will end, skipping to the end and what I should say to pretend I was in agreement so they would leave me alone

Imagining not feeling this way anymore when I would be finally freed from the control of my family

Imagining that I would not have to worry about any of those things because my grandparents would die and I would inherit enough to live as they kept telling me -so- why are we even talking about my future.

My future is guaranteed, I have nothing to worry about

Internal conversations, backchats, voices in the head

Do I have to sit through this crap AGAIN?

What do I have to say to make you stop?

They are doing it for my own good

They know what is best for me

They don't know what is best for me

Reaction Dimensions

Feeling of Impotence - I have to sit through this

Feeling of being cheated into sitting nicely for brainwashing, Anger

Fearing the talk

Anger at myself for saying I did understand why they were doing that for 'my own good', when in fact I couldn't understand how would anyone scare people for their own good - how does that work?

Behavior Dimensions

Tightening of the chest

Stomach cramps

Ggrinding of teeth

Looking at How did I replicate this Character for myself and when and how do I activate it to manipulate others

Scaring my partners that I will leave them as a consequence of Their behavior/potential behaviour

Scaring children I was looking after to make them do what I wanted - told myself this was cool because I did not use the very scary thing some of my family used to scare me with (FOXES) , hence I was better than my family

Scaring friends by projecting for them a future they would not like so they would do what I saw was best for them now

Scaring someone I don't know by saying I will call the police as a consequence of their behavior

Writing scary letters exposing all the "nasty truth" about someone so they will come to their senses for their own good

Will follow with SF and SC application

Related articles

• Day 248: Moving Beyond Duality - Imagination vs Reality - Fear vs Desteni
• Day 273: Scaring Others for "Their Own Good" - Character
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni

Day 256: The Experience of Others -My Responsibility?

Today the husband of the lady that comes to me for massages -that has lately joined her for his back pain - called me to tell me they won't be coming tomorrow because they had a very bad night and she has moved back into her blamefull hateful Character for which she is on antidepressants. He seemed to want to share how bad it had been, I told him to ask her if she wanted to come up in the afternoon for a coffee and he said 'I will ask her when she allows me to talk to her at the moment she doesn't want to see me, she has been blaming me all night - the psychiatrist will come tomorrow'.

I moved almost immediately into anxiety and went looking for my responsibility for how she is experiencing herself, I tried to resist her attempts to put the responsibility for her health in my hands all the time when I was aware of what she was doing, returning this responsibility to her every single time and underlining that it was in this responsibility for her health and herself that the power to get better was but it's a lifetime habit that I saw her resisting nail and tooth, regardless of pushing back the responsibility at all times prior to today I had a couple of episodes in which I did ask myself 'what did I do wrong?' as a result of her changing mood or reverting back to the 'Complainer Character'.

I had a tinge of angry backchat as well during which I went and interpreted her abusive behavior as just that, a fucking abuse she covers up with personality problems, but what do I know, some are so far down the line into personalities and Character's Possession that they have lost their ability to self direct and are just taken over, specifically due to how we are made to believe what happens into our minds is a random occurrence on which we are powerless, until we believe it. 

How else could the Psycho drug industry thrive off Mental Illnesses?

When I was a kid my mum used to blame me for her mood changes, initially she would use an event that could "objectively" be taken as my responsibility such as a poor grade at school but as time progressed and so did her mood imbalance, she would either make up things I allegedly did, said or 'thought' -but she could see the incriminating thought clearly from my face from her superior 'parent position' she claimed- to make me responsible for how she experienced herself.

I believed I was the cause of her imbalances and that I should be blamed for how people experienced themselves around me, a huge unbearable responsibility to say the least.

Of course I copied this Character and then did it to others, in fact I developed the ability to collect points of failures of others toward me just for this purpose, so that when I would have a mood swing I already had the reasons lined up to blame it on someone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was responsible/the cause/the origin of my mum's mood swings specifically when I did not intend to cause any trouble but the mood swing would come and then I would have to take responsibility for my imaginary faults to have peace at home again

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's mood swings and being made responsible for them instead of seeing I was the one accepting and allowing the blame and responsibility that was pushed on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up 'imaginary faults' in others to justify my own mood swings and to seek for words, deeds and movements in others that I could file and use just like my mother did to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother would have a mood swing and send me to my room to 'think about it' to develop a habit to look and search for my responsibility in my words, thoughts and deeds, believing that it was something I had done, didn't do that brought about a change in her and not herself doing it to herself, until I would come up with something wrong in me that could in fact be the cause for her behavior, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that She was always the origin/source of her experience and then her behavior and not me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread spending time with my mother when she was sick because I always feared that I would overlook something, make the wrong expression, say something that could be twisted and turned to build into the explanation for the mood swing she was about to experience, which I could already assess as soon as we would get together, having developed the ability to foresee coming troubles in an attempt to stay away from it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of the fear I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to with regard to my mother and her mood swings, to develop a defensive personality in which I move as into like a fortress, whenever I spend time with people that I perceive are on the brink of a mood swing according to my own perception and judgement of what is a good mood vs a troubled leading to problems mood and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to protect myself from other people's mood swings because I fear their mood could end up affecting me as they'll end up blaming me for it, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I don't have to be affected by other people's mood swings when I take responsibility for myself and the way I experience myself not even when they try or attempt to blame it on me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to question myself with regard to my responsibility for other people's mood swings and within this for accepting that I was in fact responsible for how others perceived themselves and for accepting the responsibility of the experience of others within their own minds I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I experienced myself without seeing, realizing and understanding that I accepted the responsibility of how others experienced themselves so I could then blame others for how I experienced myself and for believing that I had the right to do to others what I didn't like others to do to me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I did accept the responsibility of the experience of another, I inherently had power over them, as in the power to 'make them feel' one way or another, and for manipulating or attempting to manipulate the experience of another through the way they felt by deliberately doing what I learnt from my mother 'made people feel good about themselves' for the purpose of being the Creator of a 'Positive' Experience within another and as such more powerful than they were within their own experience of themselves I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear mood swings in people that are sharing time with me, because if a mood swing happens 'under my watch' it means it's my fault and ultimately my responsibility, without considering that as I am responsible for my own experience so is everyone else and that I don't know what goes through the mind of others at anytime or what can trigger a 'negative experience' and since everything is happening for each of us inside our own Mind Bubble, we can only be responsible for ourselves and what we experience or react to, but not about what others experience and react to

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that as I desired the Power of generating a 'good experience' inside another, I made myself bound to the responsibility of their experiences 'good AND bad' and for not seeing realizing and understanding that there cannot be Masters without slaves and that Masters end up enslaved to the relationships they created toward another that was not born of Equality and Oneness but from the desire to win over, be more and superior to another being I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told today that the lady that comes to see me went into one of her Evil breakdown, to question myself for responsibility, assuming it must be my doing, my fault, that I must be in someway responsible instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am only supporting her body as a potential bridge to health but she is still the one responsible and having to do the work to get better and out of the Patterns that are causing her suffering as that is her creation and she is the only one that can undo it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I was told she will be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday, to go into my mind and imagine meeting him and blaming him as part of the problem for all the crap suppressant he has been giving her over the years, without seeing, realizing and understanding I don't know the whole story of her medical mental history, and that suppressing the demonic in her may very well have been the best this doctor has found to not have the people around her pay the consequences of what she goes through, and that instead of going to my mind to fight whatever support she may have been able to find, I should breathe and return to her the responsibility for her health recognizing she is the one choosing the suppressant medication and the doctor is doing what he knows how to do to avoid further consequences for herself and others and within this for judging her, her relationship and the doctor I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I heard in her husband's voice the distress for what he was going through, to move into an angry blamefull backchat on the line of 'you did it again you bitch, how do you even get away with it' when in fact this backchat is my own self judgement of myself for when I did embody the blamefull Character and made others responsible for how I felt and how I experienced myself and for doing to others what was done to me instead of stopping the chain of blame and abuse I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shift the blame from myself to the psychiatrist, without considering her in the picture and her own self responsibility for what she is living, and for feeling sorry for her husband as the victim of this situation without considering that whatever play out is on it's a dance the two of them are playing with each other that only they can resolve and for desiring to take sides between who is wrong and who is right, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself interacting with another and attempting to be responsible for how they are experiencing themselves, such as in 'good moments' for which I could pat myself on the shoulder for the 'good positive experience' I can believe I have been able to generate for another, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I want to be the source of the good/positive experiences of another then I will have to be responsible for being the source of the bad/negative experiences of another, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for how they experience themselves, the good, the bad and the in between

When and as I see myself cringe or about to cringe under the impression, the news, the realization that someone who is in "my circle" is experiencing themselves negatively and I see myself trying to, moving toward or about to assess my responsibility for such experience, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to make myself responsible for the experience of another in any way shape or form and see realize and understand I am responsible for how I react to the experience of another but not for their experience of themselves

I commit myself to no longer participate in the construct of taking responsibility for how another experiences themselves be it good, bad or in between as I see realize and understand I have the responsibility to self correct myself but not the power or responsibility to 'self correct' another

I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear of being responsible for other people's mood swings and to investigate when and how this Character comes up to self correct myself until I stand stable in and as Breath realigned to Oneness and Equality for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.

Related articles

• 112 - Doped up on Hope
• 166 - Introspection
• Day 142 - Self Forgiveness on Self Denial - Dimensions
• 165 - Personalities to Blame You With
• 113 Response-ability for Others

Day 243: Stopping the Fami-Lies Inside

This is a follow up to my post 'Have you kowtowed to Your Family today?'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am indebted to my mother because of all the Money she spent raising me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live like a Debtor within the Family system as my family claimed credits on my Life for what they did for me as I was growing up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about the feelings of hatred I felt for my family that I believed to be me as who I am for this Debt that I felt was put on my shoulders since I was born without my permission, instead of seeing and realizing I was angry at myself for accepting to live as a Debt/Credit system as a result of buying into the Lie of Money and the Money System

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother saying 'with all I have done for you, you ungrateful asshole' and for feeling guilty and ashamed for being ungrateful especially because I did not understand how to 'properly' show gratefulness and get out of the 'ungrateful' cycle and for feeling inadequate for my inability to express 'proper gratefulness' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for how I experienced myself in relation to being indebted to them as I made them guilty and responsible for 'my state of mind' instead of taking self responsibility for accepting the Lie of Life being indebted and subjected to Money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that FamiLie were more important than anyone else because they could save my ass with Money in case anything went wrong in my life and for this role I gave them resent their very existence as the Money Lenders of the World, and for resenting the existence of FamiLies and desiring to be an orphan so I would not be indebted to anyone, instead of seeing I was the source and origin of the Debt system within me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live as a Debtor to my FamiLie because I accepted and allowed myself to react to the prompting of 'everything they did for me' as the reason and origin of my Debt, instead of seeing and realizing it was through my acceptance and allowance of myself as indebted that I stood as a 'subject' within the Family system, and for not standing on my own two feet no matter the triggers or the prompting to subject myself to the FamiLie -I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized that my FamiLie was Not loving or supportive, to feel entitled to participate in creating credits for myself by giving them expensive presents in the hope to buy back my Freedom from the Debt Slavery, without seeing realizing and understanding the point that as they themselves were Slaves and Slave Owners it was not up to them to let me go but up to me to no longer accept the servitude of the FamiLie system in the name of Money

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother when she made a joke about this house being HER house and the Money deriving from it being subject to her approval of how I will spend it, because I accepted and allowed myself in one moment to move back into a position of Dependency and "being owned" while backchatting in secret that this will last only until I can get my hands on this Money and then our paths will part once and for all, instead of seeing and realizing that this is wishful thinking because I have been before in position of Economic Independence and yet this point of FamiLie ownership and Debt was not resolved inside of me - and for feeling guilty and disloyal for backchatting within myself about 'the day I will finally be free' while blaming my mother for my slavery -I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel diminished as my mum attempts to pull strings, consciously or unconsciously instead of seeing, realizing and understanding she is just doing what she is accustomed to and it's up to me to not accept to be puppeteered around in the name of Money as I build myself into stability and consistency in and as Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother and the power I perceived she has over me regarding this house and the Money I can get from it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding she can only have the power I give her through my own abdication of Self responsibility for how I experience myself and for giving away my power hoping to diminish my fears of survival as I made myself part of an imaginary support system such as the FamiLie, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my mother made the nth joke about Money and the House She Owns, to wish away the anger that I felt instead of addressing it and seeing how could I resolve this 'debtor anger' once and for All, and for blaming my mother for her Money jokes and her desire to keep me hooked on the Money line and judging her as a bitch I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my mum brought up the point of the Money she lent me to buy my first apartment that I have not given back to move into a reaction followed by a backchat about how I couldn't fucking believe she was bringing up this point AGAIN, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that when she automatically moves to make claims on my Life as a debtor, she is coming from a point of Fear, such as the Fear she told me that she might have to help me AGAIN in her old age and then her own survival would be jeopardized and for missing out on this point that drove the whole discussion which was fear of survival and for accepting and allowing myself to automatically react instead of breathing before I went into automated subjected inferior position for my perceived debts, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always sought harmony within my famiLie instead of seeing realizing and understanding, I sought their support to diminish my fears of survival and of being alone in the world and for living as fear of survival and fear of being alone in the world to the point of allowing those fears to drive my life and the decisions I made, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pass on this Money dynamics onto others over which I sought the power of Life and death, such as my staff or my employees, and for using Money to own people and to create debt inside of them toward me so I could balance the imaginary ledgers that I was juggling in secret within myself as the Mind, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I love my mum very much because when I think about when she will day I am overwhelmed by a sadness so great that it chokes me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am in fact overwhelmed by a fear so great that it chokes me as then I will be alone in this world with no one in my 'bloodline' surviving with me and being the imaginary support I have accepted and allowed myself to believe family is, and for living in and as the fear of being alone in the world with no support or anyone in my bloodline surviving with me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think about when my mum won't be around anymore and I will finally have access to some money that I won't have to justify to anyone how I spend, and for feeling guilty and ashamed about these thoughts of what will I do with everything that will fall in my lap at my mother's death, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support a world in which we all lie to each other about the real role of FamiLies as the teachers and supporters of the acceptance and allowance of this system of abuse, and for becoming an abuser within the FamiLie as the FamiLie system in support of the system as it is, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that FamiLies come above all and within this for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am separated from this World and everyone in it and that some are more important than others which is reflected in the Money System where some get more right to Life than others, and for supporting a system of Inequality and Separation as myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this World is Self and that we are all Equally Important with the same Right to Life and that we should give to one another what we would like for ourselves, I forgive myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a position of inferiority to my mother due to Money issues, I stop, breathe, assess what is it I am reacting to that I have not yet cleared and as soon as I can write myself out into stability in and as Breath

When and as I see myself seeking to pick up the hidden meanings of my mother's jokes about Money so that I can move into automatic behavior using her jokes or remarks as triggers to not take responsibility for my experience of myself, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to respond automatically but hold myself here stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself moving into defense mode as soon as my mother starts the sentence 'I wanted to talk to you about something' as I have come to associate this sentence to a Money talk, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that whatever comes up I can handle it in the moment in and as breath and I don't need to allow memories or thoughts to run wild to show me what is coming and if I see memories as thoughts or backchat coming up, I stop, breathe and do not allow myself to participate in and as it

I commit myself to no longer participate in feelings of being indebted or of inferiority to my mum just because of Money or Imaginary credits derived by 'everything she did for me' as I see realize and understand this is how we are keeping the debt system alive for everyone and I commit myself to release my debts and credits one by one until I no longer exist as the Debt and Credit system of this world

I commit myself to unconditionally support an Equal Money System so that no child coming into the World will be indebted to their parents or anyone else any longer as each Life will be supported from Birth to Death and the Life of All will be a given Credit and never again a Debt to be repaid.

Related articles

• Day 242: Have you Kowtowed to Your Family Today?
• Day 179 - Always Worried about Money
• Day 134 - Judging Myself
• Day 90: Money and Me - part 4
• Day 196: Italy - The Evil Society of Inequality

Day 171: Broken Stepford Wife - Part2

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Published on the Desteni Forums on Eleonora's Journey To Life

Day 149: I Don't Want To Go to Heaven

As we write our Journey to Life Blogs, Creation, Earth and Heaven are writing their as well.

How do I experience myself within reading those Blogs?

When I read Earth's Journey to Life blogs, I just see common sense, sometimes I react, mainly when I want to say things like 'come on, this is not important, with the kind of mess we are in, this is menial' but I can work those feelings and emotion out and go back to the Blog consistently as I have seen how supportive it has been to open up Characters for myself.

When I read Creation's Journey to Life, I have ups and downs, basically like when I read Earth's but more accentuated, and I experience myself as on a continuous ride as what I believed I had grasped the day before I have to question again today in relation to another point, so I would say destabilizing but again, like when I get a painful massage, that kind of sour pain that I know 'it's good for me'

Then comes Heaven, I definitely don't want to go to Heaven!

So I decided to look at why when I sit down to read Heaven's Blogs I have so much resistance coming up, even though I find them very interesting, the ones I can understand and where I don't lose myself in word loops, I have tried talking to myself about it and reminding myself how much I enjoy them once I start reading, and yet, when I sit down, I fiddle, then I want to read the news first, then have a glass of water and spend 1 hour in the kitchen and some evenings I do so much that I manage to successfully forget to read them just to pile them up, with the anxiety that goes with 'being behind' to then have a marathon to bring myself up to date.

So what is it that I resist about Heaven's Blogs?

One point that I have seen clearly with Eqafe Material as well is that I resist anything that spells out that I am a robot and tries to explain the in depth mechanics of how we function.

I find this news to be the hardest I had to swallow since joining Desteni, not because I have in any way a doubt that I am not, just because there is a part of this Creation story that I find horrifying, terrible, scary and if possible I don't want to know about it, I don't want the gory details of how machine-like we have become because I secretly treasure all my other beliefs about how 'special we are' and that we were created by a loving and benevolent God and the gap between my previous knowledge and this information is so wide that when I attempt to close it I fear to fall into the crack to just never come back.

I have done the traditional cracking at the beginning, the shock and the trauma and then I began to be scared of being traumatised again, not knowing how much more trauma can I take in one life about myself and who I am as looking at myself as a machine is Not Cool and doesn't make me feel good about myself, in fact it makes me feel like shit, even though I came to this path by logic in a way, having seen humanity on an automated path and patterns of self destruction, automated like in automaton such as robotic, without tools for Self correction that I only found trough Desteni.

So basically, I don't want to go to Heaven, because Hell as where I am and what I know seems better, seems safer, and because every time I read one of these blogs the first thoughts that come up is the utter cruelty of this creation and the utter disrespect for Humanity as I see the suffering that yes, may be self inflicted, but we did not come here with an instruction manual and so what I don't want to face in Heaven's blog is the anger that I feel, the desire to kick down walls and shake the Creators while I shout 'how the fuck comes you could not see where all this was leading, you omnipotent, omniscient God of my Ass?' and guess what? Back to square one and the Righteousness of the Atlanteans, still holding the fucking grudge for having ended up here at the bottle neck of creation, the ''I' of the Needle to just have to walk back the whole Creation up to point Zero and face the truth, Creator, Creation and Created as One and Equal.

Tomorrow I Will walk my self forgiveness for the existential rage and the desire to not face the point that we are walking the consequences of what we set in motion while we were not self responsible Creators from the starting point of Oneness and Equality as What is Best for All.

Related articles

• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103
• Sub-Personality Backchat Creation - Part 2: DAY 122
• Character Resonance Evolution - Part 2: DAY 126
• Yes, I KNOW!!! - Part 2: DAY 148
• The Science of Thought - Introduction: DAY 149
• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• Day 131: DESTENI Character - Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part1)
• Day 154: After Death Communication - Part 4