Day 9: Death of a friend

I had 2 experiences in my Life with the Death of a friend, 3 in fact, two were real, and one was not, for the non real one, she did die too, but just in my mind.

I had a dream about her, twice in two days, I had read the Blog on Regret , and how to let it go, or better, how to not let it go until we make sure we clear that point that prompted the regret who is actually always with us reminding us how we live, what goes on in our secret mind, prompting us to stop, while we keep going, muffling it up, putting a cushion on its head to not hear the regretful screams, I did not get it two days ago, I'm on a delayed train, I do get things, just a little slower, they have to sink in when I am not watching to understand the point with my mind, to force it down my throat in the usual act of  forcing what could be seen clearly in awareness effortlessly, I'm still a living fight with myself on my way to correction, so something must have compounded and I dreamed about the non-dead-but-Dead-to-me-One, as a clear point of suppression.

In my dreams, we were still friends, I noticed how I cherished that feeling of 'safety' of a space where I was really wanted around, appreciated, special.

I cannot recall the details but I know it has to do with regret, funny because when I read the regret script and it talked about relationships, it went over my head, my mind said, 'you don't have relationships' which is true as in 'sentimental/ romantic relationships', I don't really consider Friendships as relationships as in the context I have read, due to the way my mind translates the word in Italian, which is related more to sex, more intimate, more exclusive, instead friendships are relationships, and both are just ships one boards to deny the truth that we are alone in this journey, that we have to face the fact that until I can trust me, I will never ever be able to trust anyone, and until I stop to fear me I cant' stop fearing You.

To add some benevolence here I can say I felt less for my friends that died, they died, our friendship never imploded, it did not have time, it was not the same, they did not leave behind a gap of guilt and shame and a sense of loss, they simply died, there is no refusal in death as in life, they did not die to spite me, we spite in life as we move along our ideas of ourselves and do whatever it takes to keep them alive, to keep our sense of worth alive in separation from who we are as Life.

When the friendship with my girlfriend ended, I had a difficult time with myself, one of my primary mind relationships no longer existed and I found it hard to find a balance of me without THIS specific mind relationship that had defined ME for over 10 years, our friendship defined who I was, in her friendship I could reflect my imaginary worth as an Ego, my imaginary goodness and benevolence and she could do the same, then one day the castle of cards imploded and I was alone again, the truth is it ended when she became close to my ex husband, and I moved into jealousy as I feared he would become friend with her as he had not been with me, honest, while our marriage was based on huge dishonesty from both sides, that I shared with my friend, so the fear came as well, that my secrets would be exposed, that what I shared with her in more honesty than I reserved for anyone else, would now be an open book to my ex husband and that he would be able to flip the pages of me, and read what he had never understood and that I failed to express and explain, and this was not OK.

My friendship was based on the containment of secrets, this is why as well when I wrote her a very hurtful letter that I closed with a spiteful line to say 'you see, now I want to harm you as much as you harmed me', which is the epitome of my delusion, in fact she was the cracking point of my delusion, very specific, Because I could not believe anything I wrote to her as I saw all the underline movements of backchat that led me to that point, yet her reply was even more stunning, as I meant I had already done plenty harm with my letter, while she read it as a threat that I would expose HER to her husband. Is this because she did in fact expose me and in our spitefulness and retaliation we believe getting even is an eye for an eye ? an I for an I ? Did she think I would do that because of who I was, or because of who she was ? Or because of who we were ?

In that I saw the point that we are never friends with anyone, we are just the great pretenders and we would do anything we need to do to survive as personalities, an I for an I, there was a purpose to her friendship with my ex husband that did not include me, that made me feel pushed aside because the feeling good of each one of us is what we are really after and not the fluffy goodness we talk about, that one is fake, it's a cut throat world, and it's always been, better you down than me, she did to me what I did to others, including her husband even though i told myself I was more decent, reality is there is no decency in what we do to win a position on the planet as Egos, where if I lose I don't exist and so I win, regardless of how many deaths I live in my wake, so why do we condemn capitalism when capitalism is the Capital I through which we move and face every single thing in our world ?

I stop the Capital I to walk a process that is Best for All, the Capital I will be corrected as Me and as Me the correction will reflect back as the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in and as relationships in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the relationship of and as my mind than to myself and for looking for worth outside of myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless when my friendship with C. ended

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my behaviour due to having allowed a backchat to take the driving seat of my life as me and hurting someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can hurt someone else when I see I can only hurt myself and others can only hurt themselves within the bubble mind reality in which we have separated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I did when I was fueled and motivated by anger that I justified because of something someone did to me instead of taking responsibility for my anger, stop it and stand up to correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire we were still friends with C. because her friendship was a good mirror in my life although a delusional one, but we had managed to walk the tightrope of con-vincing each other we were good people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be good'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I felt after our friendship broke up because I would have to face my own judgement of myself to self forgive it and let it go but I rathered suppress it so I would not have to face myself and stand as the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs, alchol and food to suppress when the back chat and the consequent emotional typhoon became too much to handle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my friend raised a spoiled brat just because I imagined I would have done a better job as a mother, even though I knew I would have fucked up royally as a mother which is the reason why I did not have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friend and what I beLIEved we had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make her suffer in spitefulness because I believed she made me suffer and she had to pay for it, even though I never admitted this was the reason why I wrote such a nasty letter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that spitefulness is normal when we are faced with let downs because I embraced my culture teachings of passion and revenge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Scorpio are revengeful and since I am a Scorpio I must be revengeful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to spitefulness, manifesting spitefulness in and as the world I have created through my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself on this point about my friend, to spite and punish myself for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful for talking about my best friend with other friends after our fight so I could make it clear She drove me to this point and it was her fault and she was the one to blame, while I could see I did not want to take responsibility for what went on between us to stand up and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my friends in HK told me that it was clearly C.'s fault and they always wondered why and how I could stand that she had become close friend with my ex, because I did not stood up for her to say I was the one who encouraged it because I wanted to show that I was worldly and not petty as I really was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as spiteful and petty as bad, instead of seeing that everyone that participates in and as the mind is petty and spiteful and I'm Equal in the fuck up and I'm now equalizing myself to live in and as the correction to walk out of the Mind and birth myself in and as the physical One and Equal as Life

When and as I see myself entertaining my back chat about someone I know, I remind myself that  I no longer participate in gossip, outside with people or inside my mind, as I do what I like to receive and gossiping is not the reflection of the world of support I want to correct myself into and correct the world into One and Equal as me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spitefulness, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to participate in spitefulness of the small or the big kind and breath myself back Here until I no longer think or feel spitefulness for anything or anyone

I commit to eradicate spitefulness from my Life through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application as spitefulness drove this world to this point and spitefulness must end in all its forms to allow a world that is best for all.

I commit to stop my back chat about people in my life through writing and corrective application, until I can stand clear of any spitefulness and manifest this correction in and as the world One and Equal to me.