Thursday, April 26, 2012

Day 13: Letting go of "The Rightful Anger"

I have realized that I am responsible for my thoughts emotions and feelings, yet there is one clear point I hold on to, and that is Anger, the One I am entitled to, the "right kind", the One that if I did not have it I would not be 'normal', the One that everyone in their sound mind could see, it was not started by me, I was pushed and shoved to get angry, until I did, and this one is the hardest one to let go for me yet.

A few months ago I renovated the apartment where I live, I 'auditioned' the possible renovators I found on Internet, and chose the cheapest one even though he seemed a bit weird, in a psychotic sense, when he shook my hand his grip was slippery and he would not look at me straight in the face, but he seemed competent in what needed to be done and especially, P. was cheap.

The first 3 weeks were OK, they got on pretty much on schedule, a lot of dust was going everywhere due to the breakage of the bathrooms to dismantle the tiles and the sanitaries; since I was having troubles with my mum I decided to stay Here throughout the renovation and that made me feel like a hero, plus gave me all sorts of credits with my mum, the fact that I had to live here through that crap because she is just crazy and life with her was too abusive to stand and it gave me additional 'rights' on this house.

We gave them an advance, consistent considering the total that was still due, but by week 5 they slowed down and the leading renovator was becoming restless, week 6 went by during which they did almost nothing, but I was aware of what was going on, they felt overworked and underpaid, this has been a pattern of mine, and like him I would just bottle up and one day explode. Yet I did not direct this point by bringing it up and talking about it, I let it slide hoping it would just go away.

This was happening because even though he said at the beginning that he was available and willing to add some things along, for which we were adding the costs to the tab, he felt our advances were too slow, plus, like myself, he was a perfectionist who could not face his own mistakes, and would try to walk away from them before they blew up in his face.

Anyway, week 7 I said to my mum, let's give him another advance, and we did, a substantial one, week 8, the work is not picking up, they were fitting the kitchen lamp and I said "you put it up twisted' and I felt I had just about enough and walked out of the kitchen, this apartment looked like a war zone, I was sick and tired of the dust, had enough of being a hero and wanted to go back to some 'normality'.

This displeasure of mine triggered the follow up events, He felt he could not cope with not being complimented for his specialness and in half an hour dismantled everything, took away some of the stuff we had already bought together and left with his assistant A.

I spent the first 2 hours in a shock, this was deep shit, especially because my mother was involved and I was the one 'on the watch', plus I had no clue how to pick up from there, had no contacts in Italy yet and could not see a solution.

So, I just breathed and told myself, let's suppress all this stuff that is going on since it's evening and I cannot find a solution and I will look into it tomorrow. The same evening I wrote to him to say you must finish this work, yours is a behaviour for the psycho unit, you took the money and the stuff we bought together to finish the work, he replied that he was sorry but that was "the way he was", he insisted he was sorry to have treated me poorly as I was obviously a 'nice woman' and he apologized for that, we wrote to each other for a while, I gave up on the idea that he would come back and finish but could not give up on the anger, I was fucking entitled to it, I sent him links to the mental heath association in Milan and suggested he went there to be checked, then I wanted to put a notice up on Internet that he could not be trusted, but I could not find the way, the will was there, I justified myself that I did not want anyone else to have to go through the same experience, while it was a plain retaliation, an outlet I hoped I could find into which I could channel ALL The Anger I was entitled to.

Meanwhile I found other renovators, they finished all the work in 5 days, some things they could not fix, they told me clearly "lady, the previous renovator, P,  did a few things wrong", they had to re break the walls to fix them, plus at one point they told me that he did things to damage me on purpose, like taking pieces of taps that were half walled up and that are still there with the missing crowns.
I had told the new renovators that the previous one had an accident, as I felt ashamed of telling the Truth that I had been left in that state for no reason by someone I had chosen to do the work, which I had obviously chosen poorly regardless of the sign of 'something not right' just because he was cheaper.

A month ago his assistant A. started looking for me, he is an Egyptian guy, the second renovators were from the Middle East too, my caretaker asked him to leave his phone number, I called him and found out that he was looking for his previous boss, I did not want to talk about what happened in fear of having to dig up this humongous rage I had not dealt with, since I was entitled to it, so first I gave him all the contacts of his previous boss I had and then sent a message to the second renovators to say a guy would contact him for work and that I had told him the second renovator was a good guy and might be able to help out.
I felt damn good about myself, so forgiving, so above and beyond it all.
A few days went by, A. contacted me again, this time to ask for help write an ad, so I did, wrote him an ad in Italian, sent him all the links to the free ad places in Italy, told him to open a new GMail account, I did everything he asked bar placing the ad, which he hinted but I said, NO, you can do that by yourself, it's all manual work now, I have already set it all up, you need to fill in the specifics and PLACE THE ADS.

A week went by, Monday morning he has his new partner call me at 8 am in the morning to ask me to place the ads for them, ALL THE ANGER i had suppressed just came up and I told him 'I have been too nice and kind up to now to not tell your friend to go fuck himself, they left me in deep shit just 4 months ago, I said nothing, I understand that when you work for a psycho for a living you may have to do things you do not agree with, yet all this was NOT enough ?" Then when I put down the phone in utter anger possession, I sat down and sent him a message to say the same things plus I sent him all the pictures of HOW THEY LEFT THIS APARTMENT as a reality check and told him, go and learn Italian if you cannot understand what I wrote you and stop calling me unless it is for Italian classes and basically, go fuck yourself.
Two days later the wall next to my bathroom had a large water leakage :) When I saw it I went into an anxiety attack, images of works to be done yet again flashed through my mind but then other images all connected in a string flashed as well.
In my life, every time I have been unable to contain something, I have flooded a place, I did it a few times in Milan many years ago, twice in Hong Kong in my home, and once in Hong Kong at my ex best friend's place.
Water is my curse, and saviour, because once I do flood a place I can no longer pretend I am fine, the evidence of my suppression is there, this time I didn't flood the wall, I flooded in between walls, same as my suppression, the emotions I have swept under the carpet hoping to never have to deal with them again.
Anger as entitlement is a BIG point, because one thing is to be angry and NOT be 'entitled' to it, one thing is to be ANGRY and be entitled to it, yet none of this is true, whenever I am angry, entitled or not as I perceive it through judgements of my minds, I am just enslaving myself to reaction as polarity enslavement and I am not Here in Breath, in and as Self Expression, but lost in and as the Mind into loopholes of energies which are Not Real. 

So time to STOP and clean up my act with Self Forgiveness 

I forgive my Self  for accepting and allowing myself to Blame myself for my poor choice for a renovator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take notice of my body's reactions to my first meeting with this man P, because I am still confused about not judging and just seeing a point of practicality beyond judgement that my body is showing me, like the point 'this man is mentally unstable'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my choices based on saving money because I fear spending money as I am not working at the moment and I fear for my future and my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I had not picked P. for the job I would have to face my judgements of his obvious signs of mental instability that were clear from our first meeting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insist on seeing 'good things' in people that I have already judged as 'bad' in fear of having to look at my own judgements and what I participate in One and Equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and  allowing myself to judge mental problems as bad since my mother showed signs of mental instability and I feared having taken on those traits and feared being bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother's mental problem and instabilities as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to fear having mental problems that would lead to my instability and to my being 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring up a point for which I can see and feel tension so it can be discussed in the open and not lead to bottling up and follow up explosions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when P. left me half way through the renovating job as I felt it was my fault and it is my fault when people walk away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when people walk away from me there is something wrong with me and not just see their walking away as their choice, defining themselves and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when people walk away from me and in the specific when P. walked away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgements of others when people walk away from me, because my grandmother used to judge my mother saying 'she couldn't keep a man' which meant it is my responsibility to "keep" people and not their responsibility to stay or their right to leave and move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control my relationships because I defined myself in and as the success rate of my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when the new renovators came and said 'some things were done on purpose' as I thought if someone damages you on purpose you must have done something wrong because when I wanted to damage others in my life I believed they had done 'something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bottle up the anger I felt for P. because I was 'entitled to it' instead of realizing that I was enslaving myself to a reaction that I kept alive due to my idea of 'entitlement' to an emotion that I defined 'right' for the occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have no right to a place to stay because a right is given by ownership and since this house belongs to my mother, she has the right of ownership to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to trade suffering and anguish for a right to live because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is what life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress anger instead of facing it and releasing it through self forgiveness when I had the tools to do it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others for my and their anger, believing that anger is a form of diminishment and ending up diminishing myself and others in anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometimes 'people pull you by your hair' into anger, instead of realizing I am ALWAYS the only one responsible for what goes on inside of me and not just sometime but not the times when I judge emotions and feelings as the natural consequences of someone else's actions or words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my anger as I feared my mother's anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look down at my mother when she was having anger outbursts as I have later looked down at myself for my emotion of anger and then suppressed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be nice in an attempt to be able to judge myself as 'a good person' when I wanted to tell A. that I had done enough and they would have to do their own posts, instead I did not direct this point 'hoping' he wouldn't push it too far and when he did I allowed myself to feel 'entitled' to my anger because he pushed it too far instead of seeing it was me not addressing the point effectively when it was due

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide anger into acceptable and unacceptable instead of seeing I have just built a back door for myself for when I WANT to participate in and as anger without taking responsibility for my participation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body through my participation within and as the energy of anger and for accepting anger one and equal to who I am, while now I see anger is not who I am unless I accept and allow myself to participate in and as anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak or write from the starting point of anger, infecting others while I resisted standing up and taking responsibility for my emotions and clearing myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I suppress anger it will ultimately go away, instead of realizing I made my body a warehouse and a whorehouse for my suppressed anger selling out flesh for the energetic charge I would get through my participation in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with 'Anger' that I fear letting go as I fear letting go of anything familiar, no matter how sick it makes me and how much suffering it brings to myself and others

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into anger I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in emotional patterns of anger as this is not what is best for me and therefore not what is best for All, and I check to see if I am about to make the proposed anger path justifiable through entitlement as I have beaten this path quite consistently, and I tell myself, there is no acceptable or justifiable or any kind of anger I am entitled to as anger is Self Abuse and I am stopping the Self Abuse to stand up for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal

When and as I see myself looking or about to go through my memory database for points that would make myself entitled to the anger I am planning to participate in, I  stop, breathe, remind myself I have been down that path many times and I know where it leads and I no longer want to move into and as anger, so I breathe myself back Here until I see I have stopped this pattern consistently through self correction in and as the physical.

I commit to no longer give in to anger of any form or kind, but to instead write myself out to unravel the points until no Anger exists within and as me as I no longer want anger for this world one and Equal to me, but Life Here in every moment of Breath for everyone, One and Equal.

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