Friday, April 20, 2012

Day 7: Lies as a way of Life

I finally got the H202 by mail from Holland from a site Larry suggested.

I read the instructions and found out you can have an Oxygen bath, it took me almost 1 of the 2 bottle I bought to try that out, so I went into fear that soon I would 'not have enough' to try out the Hydrogen Peroxide program.

Two weeks ago I went to our oldest Chemist shop in Milan and asked them to make it for me, when the doctor asked me what would I use it for and why didn't I buy the ready made one in 36% (which is the one to die your hair blond) I went into a lenghty explanation and I had to force myself to tell her the truth, which was 'I want to start a health program and I have to take daily drops'. Since my starting point was the belief and fear that they might not give it to me, due to my extensive judgement of how the system works against ME/US and the fact that they want to keep ME/US dumb and dependent, I stumbled upon myself a few times, looked like a dumb ignorant woman with airy fairy stories and this led to them writing on the papers I brought a huge "NO" with a red pen.
I left the chemist in anger and frustration, the writing in red letters brought me back to school time and the marks on my assignments, the red ones were always 'BAD', meaning I was 'BAD', I looked at the point, saw that it had nothing to do with them, applied Sf for my reactions and not seeing that it was a starting point of safety the one they came from and that they were just reflecting back to me my existence as a non responsible human being for which, they took responsibility.
I did not let it go, it was just a surface letting go, so when I got the products through the Internet my backchat laid out 10 possible stories I could now relate when going back there to ask them again to make it for me, mostly because I found absurd to have to pay that kind of money plus shipping when behind my home there is a chemist that can make it for me.
It took me a while to work out my back chat in detail, first the few possible stories, built and worded in different ways to make My point, second the point of no longer telling them I wanted to drink it because this was a key point in their refusal to give it to me, third the possible offer of giving them a self written disclaimer to uplift them from responsibility and last, the cherry on the cake, the threat, I could ask them to write down the reasons for their refusal and take them to the Consumer Court, not that I intended to do it, but it was my putting my foot down, to show them that they can't fuck with me, I'm knowledgeable about my rights and an European citizen, I have a right to have access to anything that is available in Europe and that I can buy through Internet. All this happened when I had not yet gone out of the door, when I became aware, I stopped and breathed, put on my MP3 to listen to Anu's interviews and walked to the Chemist telling myself that I did not need to THINK about it if I told them the truth and that I would not threaten them of anything, in fact this idea of threatening them left me quite disgusted with myself, than one wonders how BIG threats are going on in the world every day, am I not part of the threatening system this world has become ?
So, I reached the chemist, and approached the same doctress that last time told me yes first but then the chemist forbid the making of it and she told me to go and talk to the chemist directly this time.
I felt agitated, I took out my H202 bottle received by mail and told them maybe I had made a mistake between volume and percentage (this was one of my prepared stories) start by taking the 'blame' and could she check again as this bottle I got was not dangerous as I spilled some on my hand and nothing happened (which was true after I had poured it in a glass bottle, she told me later, probably diminishing it's burning effect), anyway, I brought with me one empty bottle, to show her I had already used it responsibly and I was alive, and one sealed bottle.
The sealed bottle leaked on both of our hands...and spotted them white, this was embarrassing because I felt she would think I lied the one time I did not,  stressed the fact that I needed 2 litres to take oxygen baths, I never talked again about drinking it and she did not ask, even though I brought with me the program paper again that did in fact talk about it.
Anyway, she accepted to make it for me.
While I walked out from the chemist I did not have my usual feeling of 'winning' an argument, in fact I felt rather humiliated to see that my real nature and the one that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in and as is to lie first, which is weird even to write out, because I never considered 'makig up stories' as lying since this is what everyone does, and I could not feel guilty for just doing it better, but the becoming aware of how I as the mind would just do anything, say anything, even in instances that are quite insignificant like this 'just to win' left me depressed.
Not only, I make my shopping online now to avoid supermarkets and the thousands of 'special offers' that I give in to because I buy into the bullshit that the 'more you buy he more you save' and I have been correcting myself a lot on this point but I have found out that when I buy online I spend much less, which proves I am a mind controlled slave, that responds to marketing tricks and designs to push me to buy, the way things are laid out, the huge 'special offers red signs' etc.
Anyway, for same odd reasons I am one day behind in my head, my mum says I lost it in February, I don't know how it's possible to 'lose a day' but I know that  had 4 incidents since February when I thought it was the day after, like I thought it was Friday on a Thursday.
Yesterday it happened again, so I was supposed to have my delivery on Friday, and thought yesterday was Friday, I had requested they delivered between 6pm and 8pm, but I was late coming back from the chemist, I arrived home at 6.25 pm, first I told myself they had not come yet, then I started to fear they did come but waited until 8 pm and then called, the offices were closed, I even rechecked the supermarket confirmation and DID NOT notice it was for Friday, which proves another point, that we do not see reality but what we believe and accept reality to be, so I spent last night making up stories to tell them about why THEY did not find me at home, I went into this backchat for abut 20 minutes, I had made up 3 good stories at least, all of them leading to make THEM responsible for missing me, and again, this is not lying, just a way of life, then I caught myself as this was kind of quietly happening in the background of me with my occasional approval and I stopped, breathed and told myself that I would just call them this morning, come clean and apologize that I had been late and what we could do to fix MY miss-take.
Immediately all back chat stopped.
Yesterday I had a flash of the Doctor House serial and his comment, that everyone lies, and why he would go and check their homes for clues to work out their mysterious diseases, it's true, everyone lies as a way of life, starting with ME.
This morning when I called the supermarket and told them the truth, we discovered together the delivery was for tonight, so in 2 days, I had to face my desire to lie, no more, my dishonest nature twice, and how I have excused it all my life as the 'way things are and I better get good at this blaming game'.
Interestingly, none of the lies I desired and concocted to tell were in fact necessary, why not face the truth of me as a responsible person, why did I feel odd telling the truth in both cases, if not because the truth is alien to me and I am just not used to ever telling it like it is ?
I felt ashamed, so if I am a chronic liar, why do I expect to live in an honest world ?
Why should the politicians and the governments and the church and the psychics and the Elite and everyone else stop lying before me ?
Arent' they my representatives, aren't they the mirror of myself in my own creation where the world as me has aligned to what I accept and allow in and as myself ?
So I stop the liar in me to bring back honesty to this world, One and Equal to me and to walk my path of correction to build Self Trust as me, because as Cathy said, only when I stop lying as a way of life can I believe YOU, only when I stop fearing me can I stop fearing YOU.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself into lying as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for ways to blame others so I don't have to stand as a responsible human being in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling the truth in fer of the con-sequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the con-sequences that I myself design for myself through my participation in this world as self-dishonesty, instead of standing in and as self honesty in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self honest, for fear of facing all the times in which I have been self dishonest as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self dishonesty as the way things are in the blaming game of this world and for making myself just 'better at it' meaning better at not being found out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the important thing about 'telling stories' is to build them convoluted enough to never have to be found out and having to face my self dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my backchat first to check what I could say and what stories would be most convenient for me to tell, instead of standing as a self responsible human being and speaking myself here in breath and self trust that I can always face the consequences of my actions and when needed correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to portray myself as different and more than I am so I can feel good about myself, no matter which lies I will have to tell along the way to get to the 'good feeling' place about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lessened by red marks on a piece of paper as a sign that I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone tells me NO I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for catching myself wanting to lie as a way of life instead of stopping the shame as a emotion resulting from thoughts and backchat I have allowed myself to participate in and as, stop, breath and walk my self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that my lies as a way of life are reflected back to me in the dishonest world I live in and as, and that to change the world into Honesty and Trust, I have to change me as the world One and Equal into Self Honesty and Self Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the dishonesty in the world and for hating to live in such dishonest world, while in fact I have always only been the dishonest one and always and only hated myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for my dishonesty and for not standing up as the change that I want to see in this world, One and Equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be-LIEve that hate is real

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a mind personality to portray myself as different from who I am in fear of others judgement, which is my own judgement of Self, I stop, breathe, remind myself that fear is not real and that I can be self honest about myself when I no longer have anything to hide

When and as I see myself desiring to lie to win an argument or to blame someone else for my own miss-takes, I stop, breathe, remind  myself that I do not need to win an argument or to fear making a miss-take, only Egos want to win arguments and fear, because winning and fear are not real

When and as I see myself blaming anything outside of myself for their dis-honesty, I stop, breath, bring it back to Self and remind myself that I am correcting myself to no longer exist as a Liar, so I can develop Self Trust and trust in the world, One and Equal

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument, I stop, breathe, remind myself only Egos need to win to prove they exist and are superior to others, I no longer want superiority for myself and inferiority for another but Equality for All as One as Me

I commit myself to stop lying as a way of Life and to dig into myself to see how I have designed myself to never be honest in fear of losing out and losing myself 

I commit myself to breathe before I speak, check that I have no reactions that can fuel my automated shift into a mind personality that lies as a way of life, and in breath speak me as me, no longer separated from my words, but One and Equal to them, so that my words may build substance as Life and become the Life givers they should have always been and not the Life takers I turned them to be in my life of self interest and separation

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